#26 Short Shorts are taking over London

0:05Denis:Welcome to this week's episode of Your Internet Boyfriends. Hello, Mark T. Cox. Hello, Dennis Lynn. This week we're chatting about our modelling careers, moving home and nuns having fun. And I'll be telling Dennis all about my latest luxury purchase. I forgot my glasses. So I had a very turbulent commute banging into people I can't see. and I was flustering around the house today and getting ready and I forgot the glasses. So, and I'm going to the cinema after this to see a movie. I have no hope. Why are you going to the cinema? I can't see. I don't know. Why? No, no. I don't know why you're going to the cinema if you've got no glasses.

0:44It's been arranged now with someone so I have to go. You're just going to have to judge from their reactions and copy them. Yeah. Or maybe, yeah. I can see it's just your head gets sore after a while, you know.

0:56Denis:maybe they'll give you 3D glasses that'd be good and you'll just see it normally yeah so yeah if I'm squinting and blinking at you what are you gonna what are you gonna go see I know what you did last summer the original I don't know is it a new one I don't know I think it's a new one I'd say the plot is fairly easy enough to follow yeah do you know and we're up at the back because yeah yeah yeah so maybe it won't matter really what's going on on the screen. It's another way. Do people still go out to the cinema? Yeah. Do they? But they do have those night visions. Oh, don't tell me, no, that there's the back row where all the lads pop in and it's a free-for-all.

1:38Denis:Well, there's a bit of cuddling, at least. Wouldn't you cuddling? Ah, yeah, you cuddling a little bit, but I don't think... I know back in the day, I think in the 90s... You'd be at it. Yeah, I mean, everyone was pulling left, right and centre all over the place. Fingers flying here and there, right? That's true. Is it? Oh yeah, but I'd say now, I think there's cameras everywhere. And actually the cinema I go to, when you're walking in, they have the screen, like the security camera screens, very visible with like the night vision cameras. I think it's to let you know, we can see you. Don't be wank.

2:14Denis:Don't be wank. They say that under there, Brett. Tell you, there was a cinema in my old hometown of Mallow. Holy God, I actually mentioned it on before. It got closed down, I think, because people kept vomiting everywhere. But I think the only thing that they showed in there was like the first Jurassic Park. Oh, yeah. Well, that's back again as well. Yeah, but only three quarters of it. Only three quarters of it. And then it would just end. And that was it. Like, you'd be like, oh, we go to the cinema. It's like, it's just three quarters of Jurassic Park again. They didn't pay for the rest? I don't know what happened.

2:43Denis:I'd say they fucked it up. Probably didn't get the right person in there. But that place, that was the Thunderdome. Sticky. Like, oh, everything gone. Like, that was a free-for-all. Like, you go in there and, you know, wowza. Yeah. wowza I've seen things God what were you doing today? What was I doing today? What's your mood? Do you know what? I'm just going to put it right out here at the start of the podcast right? I'm not liable for anything I say in this You're demented I'm absolutely demented I can feel the sweat on my moustache for a start Yeah Right? Which you know probably get people going there now by accident but I haven't slept at all I don't think I've slept in four weeks I know I am all over the place all I'm doing is I'm closing my eyes I'm pretending I'm asleep to be like socially acceptable I open my eyes and I get up.

3:27Denis:Roasting. Clammy. So I've been in good form the last few weeks, I think, on the podcast. You have. I'm due one now. Today's not happening. So you're sculling caffeine there as well. I've had a very busy day. I did my running. You did? I'm back in my... Well, I keep the cup here. Do it. I did... I'm back in the couch to 5K. Still going. Yeah. It's taken a long time. Where are you between the couch and the 5K? I'm in week five. Okay. But this is the third attempt of week five. I'm scared. You're week eight. Have you done it before? Did we talk about this? I've done a version of it, yeah. So like week five is suddenly, they want you to run 20 minutes.

4:05Yeah. I can't do that. So I'm scared and I'm stuck. So I did it today, but I just repeated the last one that I did before. I'm nearly there. I bought new shorts. I love that. I finally got the gear right. Right. So I have shorts with pockets and they're tight and the phone doesn't bounce around.

4:26Denis:See, I love that. I love that. I think that gives you... I think you've earned it. You know what I mean? Yeah, but they were£85. Ah, Mark, will you go away for God's sake? But they're very nice. You cannot be spending£85. I'm sorry. Absolutely not. Where did you get them? Sports Direct. You got them? I tried on eight pairs of shorts. The man thought I was stealing. He wouldn't let me in with all of them so he stood outside the door watching, like waiting for me and he'd pass me in three at a time. Mark,£85 for a pair of shorts. They're very nice, but they were the best ones. How much were the other pairs of shorts?

4:57Oh,£20,£25. But they weren't nice.

4:59Denis:I don't think I've ever seen anything for£80 in Sports Direct. Yeah, they're Nike and they've all the little bits. They're Nike, they're nice, they're Nike. Do they have flashing lights on the threads? They have little reflective bits and they have the little triangle cut out on the, you know, on the thigh, which is very, I don't know why that's hot, but it looks good. And does it say juicy on the back? Yeah, yeah, yeah. diamonds they're velour they're very good little zips yeah they are nice now and they just make everything look good I don't know how so they're worth it sure I'll be flying around in them for years in your 85 pound shorts no you have to you have to do at least another 5k oh make sure everyone sees me you know what I mean yeah wave you've told the whole place now if you see Mark out there in his 85 pound shorts say hello I don't think I said where I go I keep that quiet they'll be following me around they'll find you so you're tired Tired.

5:52Denis:Tired. I'm roasting. I decided I'd wear a shirt today. Yeah. That was literally just an ironing decision. There was nothing there. Like all the t-shirts were gone. And now I'm melting. I'm absolutely melting. And can you go to bed tonight? I can go to bed. I can get in there, Mark. I can get into the bed. No, nothing's going to happen. Tossing. Tossing and turning. Yeah. All sorts. Got a good bit of news in, though. A couple of weeks ago, we had the incident with the tick, as I'm sure people were following. following. We got one of the best messages in this podcast I think I've ever seen. I'm going to paraphrase it.

6:25Denis:Actually, do you know what? I will get their name. Was it The Candle? This is The Candle. This is very good. I think this really is just more evidence that we've made it, to be honest. The intentions. So this comes in from David, right? So for anyone who doesn't know, I brought a little visitor home from West Cork. He stayed on my leg and then I removed him, etc, etc, right? So this is a message in from David. It's our first correspondence as well. No higher or loss. I really like this. Oh, straight in. Straight in. So I was picking Mam up from Super Value last week and you were just on the tick part of the podcast.

7:03Denis:Anyways, she doesn't really get podcasts and probably thought I knew you. Monday, she rings me and said she'd been to the nuns in Drumshambo to light a candle so you caught nothing from that tick. Right. There are women out there, Mark, lighting candles. There's nuns in Jumshambal. Oh, I'm telling you, if there was a competition for nuns, I'd say it's the nuns in Jumshambal that are going to win. They're flat out. Ireland's make-believe sometimes. Praying, yeah. I can picture them. Nuns are lovely. Yeah, well, they're fine. Well, now, a lot of the bad ones are gone. I met a load of nuns. I used to be very holy back in the day.

7:38Denis:Well, I used to play the organ in church. Yeah, yeah. But I was very holy back in the day. I knew nuns. Yeah. Were they out and about nuns or were they locked away nuns? fairly they're out and about in their designated out and about place does that make sense? I love to see a nun kind of driving a car you know like off to work driving a small Toyota Yaris somewhere busy like going around yeah yeah no these weren't I'd say these weren't busy nuns no but they were out and about in their like kind of convent area okay but basically it was out in the nursing home yeah and I used to go out there and just hang out I used to go out there and there was these there was these nuns there and oh my god I said I thought like I think I really like the attention you know being a holy boy and all that and was there any young nuns?

8:24Denis:no young nuns there was no kind of fantasies breaking through these were these were elderly nuns these were established nuns yeah and as you know me and the elderly women they do fancy me a lot so these nuns these nuns loved us they were great it's mad though isn't it I tripped a nun before did I tell you that in the podcast before? we were out doing do you know those weird school things you'd do where it'd be like go out there to the nursing home all of you none of you can actually play any musicians or dance and play musicians and dance with all the old people and torture them and they're just trying to die they're just saying end me in the seats yeah there's nothing worse going out playing G, B, G, A, G, B, G, G, B B, G, A, G, B as slow as fucking humanly possible but we went out there and we played them with the nuns in charge you know the nuns nurse peace agreement that came into Ireland there at one point where the nuns had to hand over some power to nurses who could actually apply medicine but yeah no we went out there and we started dancing and then there was an I'd say she was approximately 80 million years old she was older than some fossils and I went out dancing with her and spinning around put my leg in behind her leg tripped her and nearly killed her gone, skeeting across the fucking ground but isn't it strange right do you ever like I am a little delirious today but to think about being in that reality versus this one now you know like or just how that's still going on that's there's there's nuns somewhere today much less singing and dancing I don't know there's a lot still in their 50s and 60s I think there's much less nuns in Ireland than there ever was sure oh yeah yeah for sure for sure but they're still around my friend Fanola hello went to a school that was run by nuns so she loves nuns and we some of them are nice some of them are shocking but there's a a calendar and a book and there's a whole thing of nuns having fun did you ever see that?

10:31no it's very good like nuns on a a rollercoaster or like nuns kind of playing tennis nuns having fun they love that it's very funny I like that

10:43Denis:what other should we tell them the big news I think about yesterday yeah I think that's why we're tired we had what could we call it an exclusive photo shoot basically and it was four hours of looking sexy and we did a great job we did a great job and I'm wrecked I will say though I woke up this morning right Because I didn't tell you this, right? But before this photo shoot, right? That we're going to talk about in vague terms. So we saved a big surprise, right? But before this photo shoot the night before, I was addled with fear. Oh. I was like, how in the name of God am I going to pull this off?

11:28Denis:I really didn't know. I'm not joking. I was like, I have got one pose, maybe. Yeah. What is it? Describe it. One pose is hand in the pocket, little weight in the back leg. Yeah. And that's it. Okay. And stare straight forward. But I was a little bit feared up. But my God, once you get into it, I'd say they could suggest anything to you and you'd be like, here with, yeah, grand. When we went into the shower. Yes. Myself and Mark were in a bed for the first time yesterday. Yeah. It all started to twist a bit towards incest. We had to call that off. we had to call it off a few times we had to call the guards we were the guards did they ring it was a bit yeah the storyline was getting confused a couple of times there's a lot of photos there won't ever be seen no they can't ever be seen it had to be pulled back a little bit but that's what it's about yeah there was a couple of moments where we did say alright that's the line there that's the line 20 feet behind us but it was great I really enjoyed it I woke up this morning full of confidence I nearly wanted my picture to be taken again you know I want to see them because I actually didn't take any like pictures of the people.

12:43I haven't seen them properly yet. Do you know, you just want to reassure yourself that they're good. I know they're good. But it was like a little dream. And now I can't, I can't imagine what they look like.

12:54Denis:For me, it was just like, it was, it was a really cool experience to have someone who was so good. Cause we had like, we had a stylist and we had a photographer and two of them were phenomenal. but when the photographer like starts clicking and he shows you some stuff and like what do you think of those? Usually like if you ever got headshots on or just you know like you're on a night out you take a picture and you just go ugh whatever he must have taken 20 shots and I was just like I love 18 of them like it was phenomenal like just so good at what he's doing and then when the stylist laid out all the stuff oh yeah I love her we're not going to say people's names yet because we want a surprise we're going to unveil it all together but she's fab yeah she's my new favourite person she kind of stormed in and was just pulling things out of bags yeah throw this on kick up the arse get upstairs it was all just nothing like shocking but just lovely little things that you probably wouldn't bother to pick up yourself and then there was an option at the end where you could just you know buy whatever you wanted oh we kept all the clothes I'd say we'd give her back nothing I stole all the clothes yeah yeah it was really good I thought you did very well very brave not easy to feel you know move the shoulders it's not to like shake it off because it's just not in our nature to want to look good but you have to you have to get like you just have to say I'm going to make a fool of myself yeah right and then hopefully you don't or I'm just going to look righty yeah and it's okay so this is very like primary school-esque question yeah right I really don't know, should I go into this or not?

14:34Denis:So you know yesterday, right? When we were all flinging off our clothes and stuff. Yeah. Right? And we're in the same room and whatever, right? And we're all checking each other out. Like, straight men don't have the experience, obviously, of changing with other straight men. Yeah. Right? And being attracted to them. Right? Yeah. So like, as gay men, when you change, or whatever, or you're in those situations, are you kind of checking each other out? Or is it a different environment where you're going, well this isn't the place to check each other out it's not the place yeah yeah I think it's not the place and when you're working and when you're busy you're kind of like it's just not the it's just not the thing not the vibe and even like but sure there'd be men and women together in backstage but that's different that's like theatre or something I mean like in a in a common place like a dressing room or something you know like you could just be there even with friends or whatever yeah you'd often be models opposite sex models having to get changed surely but I'm talking I'm talking about like in a a swimming pool in Dronchambo you know what I mean oh yeah like because then you're just like going about your day I think you have to oh not in a work because like yesterday is completely different right because everyone's just like trolling after stuff and getting ready and going into the next thing so it doesn't have that air about it I just meant in general like when you find yourself in those settings yeah I think you have to just wait It's like this isn't, it isn't if you say yes, that you're going to be called over.

16:04Denis:You've got to be dragged. That's a pervert. The police are outside. I think you just kind of judge the mood of, where are we? Yeah. And do people want to be... Well, no one wants to be oogled or anything like that. But it's like... Some do. And you can tell if they're parading around and, you know, making sure. Then off you go. But if someone is just like getting on with their day, I think you just move on but there was a lot of like yeah there was a lot of that there was a lot well I I thought we'd go a little bit further and I was trying to judge what were the limits here do you know what did you think we'd do do like a little saucy you know I don't know little little little the blouse fell off maybe maybe the blouse falls off it's okay I think most of our photos as well in a hilarious way were just looked like the two of us fighting.

17:03Denis:Yeah. I can look very cross, I've noticed. As you said at one point, you said this photo looks like you caught me texting a woman. Like, I can look very angry. I don't know why. But I loved us. Yeah, I thought we did really well. I think we went places, though, as in like in terms of far enough. We were in pretty much a boudoir there for about four to five minutes taking pictures. I know, that was funny. And with everyone, like there was about six people standing around the bed. Yeah, that was, but it was, yeah, it's trying to like, it's always trying to figure out what's the story, what's this about?

17:43And sometimes it doesn't make any sense.

17:45Denis:But I think... You said loads of times yesterday. That way you'd check a photo and you'd just go, oh, we look like weird brothers. Yeah. And like, are we, what are we doing? Why are we reading these books? Yeah. but then the stylist was great she was like it's just a photo you don't have to like yeah it doesn't have to have a story or a scene or you just you just look nice just stand up there and look nice i think anytime anytime we try to stage something we've kind of failed yeah right it didn't and it's very common in in comedy photo shoots you have to have something funny in your hand or make a funny face or it just has to be kooky and yeah and there's no need you can just look nice whether Whereas we went more, I think, kind of like Hello Magazine, right?

18:31Yeah, yeah.

18:32Denis:Just front of the Irish Times. Yeah, it was so much fun. Why not? We take a little break? Let's take a little break. A small little break.

18:43We're back. I'm still drinking this coffee.

18:46Denis:It's stone cold. I have a question for you. Because I was... Oh, actually, I want to say hello to Albert. He found me on the internet. Oh, he did. The man from the health spa. he popped up in my DMs isn't that funny isn't the world so funny so small that we are friends now and hello to all the Alberts out there hello to all of them there's a lot of Alberts there's a lot of like what we would call Alberts we get a lot of DMs from people as well and if we don't mention the podcast it's just because well there's like a million you'll be and half the things you're saying are horrendous and I'd also like to say to the listeners if you message me repeatedly and I don't reply I screenshot those messages and I show them to dinners because there's a few people there oh my god they just they send me a message every day yeah they do and like I never get a chance to write back but they just keep going it's funny yeah yeah so maybe just you know like for the people who are messaging in the nice stuff keep going yeah get to know us we'll you know say hello to you we'll read it out in the podcast yeah for the kind of relentless stuff I don't know maybe just go on a holiday go to Ballybonion for a week or something go to where are the nuns drum shambo drum shambo Maybe have a bit of a retreat.

19:57Denis:We will be doing a live podcast from the convent in Drumshambo. Where is Drumshambo? I actually don't know. Up north, is it? I don't know. For all I know, it's completely made up, but I have heard it a couple of times in the last... What, Drumshambo? I can't even say it. We're going to be murdered now for not knowing that. So hello to Albert. But I had a question because we want you to have your say. I'm talking too much. That's been the feedback from Albert. Are you getting more feedback about that? I'm just noticing myself. I wanted to ask, if you gave it all up and if you ran away back to Ireland and you set up your own little business, what would it be?

20:40That is a very, very in-depth question.

20:44Denis:A nice little question. What would it be? Give up the comedy, give up all of this talking into microphones, set up a little. Do you know what I would love to do? do you know what I would actually love to do I would have loved if I could go and can I snap my fingers and be good at what I want to do oh yeah it doesn't have to be feasible this is going to sound incredibly basic but I also have to it also has to kind of exist in a different world as well right so this is like the perfect version of this yeah I would want to be a mechanic oh I think I'd want to be a mechanic fixing what fixing cars yeah I think I want to and obviously I'm sure that the like actually being a mechanic is fucking brutally tough and you have to work loads of hours.

21:26Denis:But I would like to be a mechanic. A mechanic in the kind of, you know, Disney slash Nickelodeon sense. You know, you're fixing one car and it starts a whole week and you get paid a billion quid and you live in your house with your beautiful wife and it's 14 bedrooms and all that kind of stuff. But no, I'd like to be a mechanic, I think. In your own little place or in a big like... No, in my own little place. Or just you. Yeah. I'd like to be, I'd like to do that because I find that loads of stuff that you do creatively, you can't hold it in your hands, right? Just disappears. It's gone. So it's like ethereal.

21:58Denis:So like you go and do a gig, it's brilliant. Everyone goes, oh, it's a great gig. Gone. Can't hold it in your hands. So I used to like tinker with some cars and stuff. It was fun. I remember driving home from Dublin after fixing a car and a load of smoke came out of the front of it. That was terrifying. But yeah, I definitely did. I think I'd go home and I'd, I mean, I wouldn't, obviously, because I wouldn't be able to fix any cars. If you knew how to. Yeah. And do not, would that be in the countryside now or in the town or the city? Big difference. I think I'd have to be in the city. Because if I'm thinking of a few lads at home, they're plagued.

22:32Because everyone thinks they're best friends. Because everyone knows everyone. So Mary has an emergency and she needs it done urgently.

22:45Denis:Do you know what I never told you? Right. And this is exactly like it. this is we'll have to come up with something like a term for this but there is like the kind of country push i'd almost call it yeah yeah do you know what that is yeah we're like in that case that's a guy he's a mechanic he's got seven you know cars to see yeah and kathleen comes down and drives her toyota events in the fucking door yeah and she's a kid in the back of it and she's like i'm gonna leave the kid there can you change all four tires yeah and he's like no i can't yeah but she stays there until the tires you know that country push you might be able to it's very and then if they see you in the pub or in the shop then I'm like why aren't you why aren't you doing my car or my car is outside can you look at it I'm actually going off this like being a mechanic I was over I was over in the Aran Islands right I never told you this and I went into this little shop and like they speak Irish over there as well right and so I walked into the shop and they're speaking a little bit of Irish just ordering some stuff and whatever I'm like cool and then this there's a like just the tiniest little line.

23:49Denis:There's maybe about three people there, right? The people in front of me are pretty much ordered. Yeah. This woman comes in, right? Mary comes in, absolutely bullying, and says to me, are you in the line? Oh. And I was like, yeah, I'm in the line. And then she walks past me and goes, I never have to line up. Why am I lining up? And I was just like, holy Mary, mother of God. She's local. Local, yeah. And she was saying, I'm not lining up. I'm not lining up. and then she says to the lad like get my coffee and I'm like where's my coffee Mary and I just thought and then she was talking about the awards that she won in the community that was judged on WhatsApp I thought they were all chill and easy breezy out there they're not it sounded look if there's anyone from the Iron Islands out there is anyone who's lived there from my perspective it felt a little bit like you know you better get involved in everything we're doing or we'll be knocking on the door tomorrow to wonder why you're not oh do you know everyone knew everything to sell the sell the place.

24:47Denis:Well, you know, like as in, we're all going out now and we're painting the back of the church and you're like, I'm not painting the back of the church. I understand. And then knock, knock, knock. We're going down there and I'll get your paintbrush. You know, that kind of. Yeah. I think I'm driving a bit like that at home sometimes. Like there's an opening of something and it'd be noticed if you weren't there. And if you didn't ever, if you were sitting at home and you didn't go to the the play in the hall, it'd be seen because you're not supporting whatever the money is for the GA usually. Usually yeah.

25:19Right so maybe I've talked you out of that plan. There's a little bit of that I'm thinking about lads at home the plumbers and the electricians and the there's a lot of promising and trying to keep everyone happy and saying oh I'll call down to you there one of the days but sure they know they can't because they've promised 20 people.