#27 Cruising Lessons for a Straight Man

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1:00Denis:Welcome to this week's episode of Your Internet Boyfriends. Hello, Mark Teacocks. Hello, Dennis Lynn. This week we're chatting about internet men, waxing and crotchie waiters. And I'll be giving Dennis a little guide to finding romance on the streets. Do you know what I've been humming a lot today, Mark? Yeah. Songs from my favourite car crash ads. Yes. Do you know? From back in the day. I think we had probably the golden age of car crash adverts in Ireland. Yeah. At the time. Can I tell you about my life? You know that one? Yeah. Yeah, do you remember that one? Yeah, because I would go straight to Samantha Mamba.

1:38Denis:Badet to badet. That's an expected one. Yes. Yeah, it's amazing. Like, I mean, look, well done to you, right? It did actually make a huge difference in our road accidents. But I have to say, quality stuff. Quality stuff. Still humming those things today. And then the bang. Yeah. What happened in that one? The wallop. With that being too... I think there's usually, I mean, the way that a car crash ad goes, there's a lad, he's having a bit of a laugh, he's having a couple of pints with the buys. Yeah. And then it coincides with, I don't know, you know, this is evil. I know, don't go too hard on it.

2:13Denis:I can't get into the room. Someone else living a good life. Someone else putting on a coat. You know, they're putting on a coat and they're heading out for their walk after getting married or something. And we watched this so casually. It's so shock but sure it's needed. It worked. I'm still singing it a million years later. So you're feeling good. Feeling good, yeah. That's a cheerio. I'm feeling good. I don't know. It's just, it's going into my head. So yeah, I'm feeling good, yeah. Love and life all together. I went for a lovely, lovely romantic meal during the week. Okay. Yeah. I love a little romantic meal.

2:46Denis:Yeah. Where'd you go? Well, we went to just a place in London. I won't name it. Right. Because I can't. Oh. You made the cuisine. No, I can't pronounce it. Oh, right. but no it wasn't fine dining it was grand dining grand dining but I'm telling you inside there they made it seem like it was white globed fine dining the pressure they put you under I went in there I actually never really encountered this even in a fancy place sat down if you moved your fork the lad would be over and he'd fucking put your fork back madness what kind of food? Italian okay right so like you can imagine the pressure then when the spoon and the fork come out for the pasta.

3:28Denis:I was just like, oh, sweet Jesus. Just let me suck the whole thing up. But this lad would constantly come over. He went at your bread, he'd come over tutting and whatever. But two things about this guy. I don't know which one is worse, really. Well, actually, I can probably I think I know which one's worse. One, now look, people might think I'm a little bit judgy with this, but I'm just a little old-fashioned. I like my waiters to have teeth. Okay. Alright? That's just me, okay? this guy had like two teeth that's I

4:03Denis:come on I'm sure the pasta is soft it's fine you'd get in between the two of them but it was a posh fancy place fancy place yeah glad I had no teeth going around there like he could open up you know they wouldn't pay for him to get a few teeth a lot of people going around with too many teeth maybe at the moment have you seen them has that trickled into your world yeah yeah the new teeth the turkey teeth yeah yeah they're everywhere yeah they're definitely some people seem to have about six front teeth though yeah they're kind of the wrong shape or something I mean I might be could be coming down the line as well yeah for me I agree with you though I think they seem a little bit too many teeth I think I think look I think white teeth are lovely right and you know more power to you right but I think there comes a time when I don't want to be that aware of your teeth do you know what I mean I don't want to be looking at you going God you've got teeth I'm just looking at your teeth you have lovely teeth thank you teeth are weird yeah I got mine done they cost£500 or something oh my god yeah look I swear Mark right at some point like we're going to be we're going to be begging these listeners right to pay for the upkeep to pay for this right and you're saying you're going off getting shorts for£85 for Sports Direct you said that last week yeah and now you're saying you're getting the teeth done which I have to in the public eye there's going to be no sympathy for us yeah I need to get my teeth done in the public you know you're not bad I'll get them done you're not bad not bad is not reassuring wait second thing oh this fella very tight restaurant very small tables very crotchie oh you wouldn't want to have your elbows out or this lad would be over like a homing missile oh he was coming up coming in you know like do you want more black pepper and the elbows get in the crotch like wow yeah oh and it's right at the height of your He was the right height or he was just coming in To both of you?

5:56Denis:Just me Great Cratching in all over the place Not my cup of tea really Yeah Would I have liked him? No No teat No teat Mark Big bulge and no teat Not really your type Yeah But yeah I just think That's good is it No I think you should get cross training I don't like it either when you know when you're getting your hair cut Oh yeah pressing into you Pressing into you and stuff right They can't avoid it. But you keep your elbows in then that's part of the deal, right? Or not. But that's kind of part of the deal. But this fella, oh my God, he'd be just... He was gone. Coming straight over to you. What kind of price are we talking here?

6:37Denis:How much is the pasta? It's outrageous. Absolutely outrageous. Like, give me a measure. I don't know. Probably a bowl of pasta was like 27 pounds. Yeah. You know? But I will say, Mark, for all the teeth and for all the crotch, probably the nicest past I've ever had it was actually unbelievable were you full? yeah I was yeah okay I was just that right full you know I didn't feel disgusting after it even though that's kind of nice too just to feel like a pig I went to Popeye's last night did you? do you know what that is? yeah yeah Grace you was asking me do you know what that is? I never went before it's everywhere I didn't know about it yeah what do you think?

7:16revelation yeah

7:18Denis:what did you get? popcorn chicken? I got chicken chicken burger and then I pressed the button and it said would you like a big box with loads of other shite and I said I'd love it and all these bits and chicken bits and chips and it was like 12 pounds and I was packed. Have you ever been a vegetarian or vegan? No everyone thinks I am. Oh yeah I kind of get the vibe off you. Yeah I look it no love the chicken. Yeah. So yeah they just opened a new one near my house dangerous now it's very close and it's very tidy it's very clean because all the other places are insane. Like in Dalston, there's people fighting everywhere.

7:56But this is somehow kind of calm and relaxed.

8:00Denis:No one was shouting. We were there for 20 minutes and no one shouted, which is a huge success in London. I just think people really don't understand it until you get to London, just that air of tension. The shouting nonstop. Oh my God, they love shouting. Great at queuing, right? Great. But you're terrible at shouting. You're always shouting at each other. Yeah. Do you know? I got into... Go on. Very bad. Yeah. Got into an Uber. Oh my God. Right? Are you okay? No, I know what you're going to say because three people have... This is a thing, right? Now, I will say, I am not on the side of the corporation, right?

8:39Denis:Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, get into an Uber. You're a scum. I'm a scum. I'm a little scum boy, right? How dare you? I'm a little scummy scumboy in the back of his Uber. Yeah. Because I've ordered an Uber and he goes, how much did he charge you? And I say like, 25 pounds or something. Yeah. And he starts going nuts and saying, well, they're only paying me 18 pounds. Right. Which is crap, right? Yeah, I understand. But now I'm in your car. What am I meant to do? And he's mad at me. He's really mad at me. And I'm just like, okay. So then I said to him, I was like, oh, look, you know, it's kind of like a long journey.

9:14Denis:Like I said, if you want to cancel, that's totally cool. Whatever. he goes well you're in the car now aren't you and he just drove off it was like I had hired an Uber from my parents it was like they'd collected me late at night and they had to be up for mass in the morning or something I'd just stay in the car with them for fucking ages there's a lot of that there's a lot of that like making you feel bad for the way the system is running but you're the customer you didn't make up that plan or that price I do find the Ubers I went from Dalston to King's Cross the other day it was nearly 30 pounds which is a 20 minute drive but then if you go like for an hour's drive it's the same price some of them honestly the long journeys are verging on I don't know if I actually can get this person to drive me that long it seems you feel bad it seems unethical like some of those long journeys if you're in Wimbledon and someone makes you drive to Stratford then you're in Stratford you have to go home again like how do they plan which jobs to take you could end up keep going further and further away from your house I don't know it's a mad job but like that's awful like 18 pounds for an hour driving for an hour of any work yeah I know I totally agree but what can I do it's not your problem what can I do you know do you have a tip yeah I know I tipped I tipped ridiculously I tipped honestly probably I have a lot of fights with the taxis with my piano why they don't like to see me coming with the piano because they have to get out of the car and they have to put down the seat to be able to and I order a seven seater taxi every time so I know that there's space and they have to put down the seat it's like you need to get the piano XL that's what you need to get there's just one yeah but it's like what's the problem?

11:07I know sorry two seconds jump out and put down the bloody thing sorry I'm musically talented

11:13Denis:make you feel like you're demanding they make you feel like you shouldn't I like a controversial now I do like to go back to a regular just a black taxi yeah sometimes yeah they're a little bit more don't know the old style yeah I don't want to label all black taxis as this but the conversations you can have in them can be wild they do have conversations yeah which is usually a problem yeah and you're talking through the plastic wall and at the start it's kind of like a guide to England and then it's how they might want England yeah but they don't have to put down the seat because it's a big open space so you can slide you're like yeah no I could definitely do that you can deal with a bit of the the right wing propaganda as long as you can bring my keyboard to Kent we're fine slide in the piano yeah yeah no they're um just cool the jets you know it's a lot of a lot of there's other situations I get into where I'm like I'd love to tell you to fuck off well do you know what now in opposite because I have a lot of fights with I live in a very annoying building you do and it's really hard to find the door first of all because there's another building with the same address down the road and every delivery driver goes to the wrong building and I never get anything delivered properly they're always ringing and saying they're down the road and and then when you ever have your like service like installers or whatever, like plumbers and things, they're so angry by the time they find the house that it starts very bad.

12:50But I had a man this morning come in to me for about 45 minutes and he was putting in new internet. And he was the nicest man. It was just like a glimpse of how these things could be. He just showed up and he said hello and he said I'm here to do the job and I said hello and then he explained what he was going to do before he started doing it can you imagine and then he did it and he didn't go away, he didn't leave he didn't disappear and he didn't start kind of horsing around and he just did it and then he plugged all the things in and then he taught me it was ready and then he waited and he let me check that it was working and then he went out the door.

13:43Have you ever

13:45Denis:known that to happen? Did you offer him a cup of tea? I didn't offer him a cup of tea. I should have, yeah. Ah, Mark. I should have, yeah. You always offer a cup of tea? Yeah. I was kind of doing that. There's nowhere to go, like it's not a very big flat. So I was kind of just walking around. What a nice exchange though, right? Oh, he was so good. Do you know, it can turn you a bit crazy over here. like it really can because when my experience when I was living in Ireland with like customer service and stuff if you're on the phone I don't know like getting a I don't know your phone bill changed or something and you want to go to a different tariff on your gas or something you ring them up and you talk away to them and it's quite okay like you know you don't have to be shouting and bawling down the phone over here I definitely was like this isn't really me but like unless you turn into a bitch yeah you do you have to turn into a bitch on the phone you have to because you just don't get listened to at all so you're just I want this now and I swear and you just don't get anything I had a fight I'd say about 6 months because every flat that we've lived in there's always something weird where it doesn't exist or something on the systems or the postcode doesn't actually match where it is so every checker you put into doesn't work I couldn't understand when I moved here postcodes your postcode is not your specific address it's an area with lots of properties so it's still kind of vague and every single thing i tried to do like changing the gas and changing all of that it just never worked out and i was so naive and like a a nice irish boy and i i'd be like okay so sorry now uh that's okay if you can't do it and i realize you have to turn into an absolute just demon to get things done.

15:36So this fella this morning, I was ready. I actually dressed up. I put on a shirt. I dressed up like a grown-up and I was ready to be like a bitch. Hopping at the door? Yeah, fine. Be like, this is ridiculous. Because I was, I 100 % expected him to come and say I can't do that. Because they usually, there's no wire or whatever. Yeah, I was ready for the fight and then he was so nice. I was like, oh, for the bad.

16:01Denis:You're sobbing next to the fucking router afterwards. Yeah, it just works. It's very fast. I'll be doing all sorts now. Yeah. Too much, I'd say. Oh, up and download the best you've ever seen. Yeah. Yeah. Do you have it? Oh, do you know what I got recently, right? This is, I absolutely get, it's just sweet nectar to me. Yeah. I got power line adapters where you plug it into the wall and it sends your power through the power lines. and then you have another adapter and like another part of your house and then you bring it out through that and you've got super fast internet all over your house. Oh.

16:37Denis:It's beautiful. So it's not just next to your router where it's quick. But you know what, with everything, right? This is like, I mentioned this a couple of weeks ago, but like, you know, about how things just are nearly set to like piss you off. Yeah. So if you're out there, right, and you're getting these power line adapters, you can get like TP-Link ones specifically. Sponsored by. Yeah. Well, they might not sponsor us after this. Oh. You can get these things that are like AV500, AV600, AV whatever, right? And depending on their numbers, they're going to give you a speed of internet, and they'll say like 300 megabits per second.

17:11Denis:I'd say most people probably have about 150, which is like pretty good, right? And they say 300 megabits a second, right? And you're like, brilliant, that's amazing, right? That's what you'll get in absolute perfect conditions, right? So it doesn't exist. It's theoretical, right? You get about 20, 30 % of that. worse than that that's not even what you get in terms of your internet that's being produced it's what they'll send through your power lines right and then on the adapters right on some of these adapters that state this they can only bring out maximum a hundred out of the port so no matter how fast it goes through your power lines it's blocked how can they advertise it as that oh it's not really annoying you call them up and say it's ridiculous I say I'm a thundering bitch and I'm going to be on the phone to you for 20 minutes You say this is a nightmare.

17:59Yeah, I'm up and down. Can I tell you, I have my figures here. Go on. We have 377 mbps download. Megabits per second. Is that good? That's very good. Really good. And we have 189 uploads. Really good. Is that very good? Very good. Oh, I'll be doing all sorts.

18:16Denis:You will pretty much be able to do anything. Because I'd be trying to upload videos. Yeah. To where? You know. To where? To drive. To drive content. Oh. takes it could be two hours how long are the videos? it could be ten minutes ten minutes? well you know what would you be doing for ten minutes? ten minutes is for fucking ages yeah so I had to start shortening them down I'm sure that's no good no I'd love a little little transition you know little spiral transition you know into the next bit yeah into the next bit yeah Do you know, have you ever seen that, right? Not that this is connected in any way.

18:59Denis:I think one of the funniest things I've ever seen was in like porn videos, where they started like chapterizing them. Have you seen that? Oh, you can skip ahead. Oh, 100%. Where it's like, you know, handjob. And you can just go towards that. Then it's like, oh, yes, there's handjob. Yeah, yeah. Or they do things as well, which is, I mean, it's just so bad. Where they'll put like, you know, the most watched bit. Yeah, or you can see the, yeah, yeah, yeah. They skip past the talk. That's so silly. well if you're in a rush I know but I think honestly right we should go back to I think there was there was something about having to watch it true do you know what I mean?

19:42Denis:Gave you more of a build up right? Plus you were playing a risky game weren't you? Because you were like will I go now? Or will something better come up? Oh will you wrap it up? Will I go during the talking? Yeah Yeah, you'd miss the end of it. Or will I, what am I waiting for? Or else you might go too far and you go, ah, I should have done it like, you know, a minute ago. I'd often go back. You'd go back? To the best bit, yeah. Yeah, and just focus on that bit then. Yeah, well, it depends if we have time. Like, how long has this gone on for? Do you know? If I was really like settled in for the night.

20:16Light a candle.

20:17Denis:Do you do a bit of a ceremony for it? Sometimes, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Like, what are you doing? Just get the lights nice and get a nice little setting, close the blinds. A bit of cheese. Cheese board. Cheese ready for after. Yeah. Yeah. And then pick, but trying to pick something good then is hard sometimes. You know, what do I want? I keep getting, I've been sent a lot of things now, kind of summer outdoors, camping trips, a lot of that coming at me. Five lads in the woods and they start exercising. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Lisa is reading a book at the moment. Yeah. It's Gillian Anderson's book. Have you heard of this?

21:01No.

21:02Denis:It's, I think it's actually called Fantasies or something. But it's Gillian Anderson. She got, Scully from Xbox. She got basically women to write in and collated all of their fantasies and then kind of looked at them to see what they were and whatever. and from reading the book and she kind of summarizes in it and I'm also this is kind of being digested and proxy read to me as well by Lisa for me in the book it was interesting because a lot of the women in it were like they weren't interested in the like end or the climax they were more interested in the kind of like being seen and the build up and being noticed and whatever and like I thought that was very interesting because I think for straight men anyway it is definitely focusing on that yeah would you like to explain what you just did there get into it yeah the go on the go on like it is definitely the going part of it like as if that's kind of almost like you're accomplishing oh I love it I love a story yeah yeah yeah do you go on no no no I'm just interested little scenarios do you know yeah so will you will you sit down and watch like you know your classic kind of plumber comes to town kind of thing or internet installer hyper optic five stars you did a shirt on but nothing else yeah that didn't happen that's never actually happened has it that's that's tough that's a lie I see it's definitely happened I don't know I think it's happened yeah a little story little little like something that you could imagine maybe you know hmm if you are camping or if you're in the supermarket the browsing the looking yeah I like that yeah little stories oh will you sit there and listen to it like or are you skipping ahead no I'd watch the story the acting the scene setting yeah yeah I think it's amazing one of my favourite movies is Boogie Nights have you seen that no I think it's Paul Thomas Anderson did it it's really good Mark Wahlberg actually stars in it but it's really really good there's loads of people but it's just about the porn industry in like the kind of 70s 80s when it went from they thought at one point like that porn was going to become like it was going to have sexual scenes in it but like be Oscar worthy either side of it I know like in cinemas yeah they really were pushing for that and it was I mean it was in cinemas and like there was big movies and stuff like that but they really really did think that it was going to go there What was the big one?

23:48Denis:The one that... Deep Throat. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Very quick. I think it's Deep Throat. Very quick on that one, actually. Yeah. Great. Yeah, yeah. Never seen it. I don't think I've seen it. No. We could arrange a nice... Yeah, it's great. Yeah. We'll invite all the lads around. Will we take a break? We will. Urgently.

24:13Denis:Mark did a very polite little cough, but we're back. Do you know what? I'm drinking this water and it's raspberry flavoured I hate it She's constantly buying it I didn't mean to buy it I was panicking and it's oh it's a touch of summer fruits It's horrible Stay away from that stuff It tastes like arse I don't know Oh no you've got a touch of summer arse is what you've actually picked up It's awful Yeah Easy mistake Hello Hello We had an exciting first half there I have a question for you this week, right? And it's, you know, hang on to your seats at home. But I really want to know this because I think we skirt around this sometimes, right?

24:55Denis:And I actually want to know, I don't want a vague response. I want an instruction manual. Do you know Haynes manuals? Yeah. Right? For the cars, right? I think they do it for other stuff as well. I think they used to do weird enough stuff. I said, yeah, I don't know what you mean. Oh, you don't know what it is. All right, so a Haynes manual is like, get the Haynes manual. It would be like every single thing that you could possibly do to an Opel Corsa. Yeah. And it'd be the Opel Corsa Haynes manual and it would list every part of the car and everything you need to do to it. So you can do anything to the car, right?

25:22Denis:So it's like the encyclopedia of these cars. I think they did it for other stuff as well. Not sure, like fridges or something. Anyway, I want the Haynes manual because I've had this conversation with people because of this podcast. I will get to this. I know it's a big buildup. I've had this conversation with people and they're not really getting it. And to be honest, I don't think I'm getting it really, right? now I might use some terms that are not right or whatever I don't care so how would I if I was new to the world right or like maybe there's someone out there right who wants to start right how do I Mark is shaking his head how do I like pick up someone on the street another gay man by giving him the nod and doing all this like what is that cruising is that what people call it or is that an old term I think where do we start you think about how you look how you dress are you presenting because you want to make it like clear without like wearing a rainbow on top of your head but like we all

26:35there's a lot of gay people on the internet hate me because I keep generalizing things so when i say all i mean me he means all i get so many messages like you're destroying the image of the gay man um me uh and people like me dress a certain way to just give little clues so at least you're filtering out because you pass a thousand people every day on the street and sure you don't know who's who or who's who is into you or whatever so all right well do me as an example

27:06Denis:right? I'm heading out today right now. What do I have to do? I'm wearing shorts shoes, t-shirt, pretty standard. What am I going to do to... You have the little earring that's already a bit confusing. I mean for me I have, I mean the socks are a particular length. Do you know someone messaged me someone messaged me, we had a picture up about two suitcases in it we're both looking quite dashing. and someone said that your suitcase was 85 % socks. Mine? It was. There was five pairs of socks. So my socks are up a little bit higher than yours. So that's a bit of a clue. I don't know. That's a bit of an indicator.

27:51And then what else have I got today? I have my shirt. Well, I have a little bag that I'm mincing around that probably a straight man mightn't wear. Okay. Yeah, I think a little bag.