#28 Denis Goes to LA

0:05Denis:Welcome to this week's episode of Your Internet Boyfriends. Hello, Mark T. Cox. Hello, Dennis Lenn. This week we're talking about life in LA, babies on planes and dogs driving cars. And Dennis will be telling me all about his escape to the suburbs. Are we on? I've had great news. Yeah. I got the text. I got the text. I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea. anywhere at all. Wow. Yeah. Well done. You must be delighted. Thrilled, yeah. I was not going to open the text because I thought it might throw us off if there was bad news, you know. But it's great news now. Can I ask, you seem relieved. I'm surprised.

0:46Denis:Yeah. It's been a long summer. So yeah, I just wanted to let the listeners know because there's often, I'd often text everyone but I think they listen to this. That's handy. I think you're just doing the podcast. We're all grand now. Off you go again. I'd say there's a few very relieved listeners. Yeah, off we go again. That's great. How long did that take to come back? That took ages. I did the postal thing and it took a good, took too long. And I was worried. Maybe it was being sent off to a special lab or something. Yeah, important. Oh, all fine. I got my hair cut and I'm having a bit of concern with this.

1:23I have this little swoop, this little kind of a curl at the front. I don't know, have I talked about this before? But I keep catching a glimpse of myself and it's always on the verge of being a busy, busy woman in my 50s.

1:39Denis:To really keep an eye on it. Someone who might be going and like complaining about something. Yeah, yeah, it's Karen. It's on the verge of Karen. I keep catching myself and I'm like, oh, you've loads of news. I've loads of news. Now, how am I feeling this week? Frazzled. Jet lagged. Yeah. I was on a plane yesterday, mangled from it. Yeah. What's the time difference? The time for me now is, what time is it now? It's like, what time is our time? I have no idea. Eight o 'clock. Our time is like eight o 'clock, so it's about noon for me now. Oh, that's nice. In America. In America. Oh, frazzled earlier on though.

2:12Denis:Mark, I'm very lucky I made it in. Yeah. I fell asleep on the couch before this. Oh. Woke up in a start. Yeah. Didn't know where I was going. When did you land? I landed yesterday at, I really am all over the place. I landed yesterday at 5pm. Who did you fly with? I flew with Virgin Atlantic. Okay. Very nice. Yeah. It doesn't seem like you're in a plane at all. What's it like? It's lovely. It's very big. It's very roomy. Like, you know, I'm flying Ryanair all the time, right? What class were you? Oh, wow. What class do you think I was in? Premium economy. Premium economy. Do you know how much those tickets are?

2:49Denis:Oh, your economy is normal. I was economy, yeah. Oh, right. Premium economy is like, you've got a complete wrong idea of me. A premium economy is, I think, like 1 ,500, two grand. There was kids. There was kids sitting in premium. I know. A gang of kids inside in premium. Going off on their holiday, they don't even have ice cream cones fucking bought yet. And what did this mean? Eight grand? But no, I was in economy. But the amazing thing about it was that Lisa was in premium. Are you joking? Yeah. Oh. We weren't in the same seats. I was thinking I couldn't see her. Down with the cows. So she was heading over for work for being big and fancy.

3:26So I tagged along. Was she waving out through the curtain at you? Wouldn't even look at me. Yeah, yeah.

3:31Denis:You know, it was one of those things you'd come up and you'd talk to her and she'd go, oh, there you go. They have curtains then as well. They'd draw the curtains dramatically. Yeah. Joe said, don't come in here, you dirty peasants. Yeah, yeah. But in fairness, we did kind of live up to our peasant name in the back. You know, we wore a bit... Long. Where, LA? LA, yeah. Over to LA, 10 hours. Who you sit beside? I picked a seat that was behind a guy holding his baby. No. Who then reclined for the whole entire, the whole 10 hours. because he was holding a baby, because the baby was too big to go into the baby cot thing.

4:01Denis:So there was a big fight about that. So he just held the baby for the whole thing. And then a guy next to me, there was a free seat for absolutely ages. This is the worst. Like, why do you do this to people? Just turn up on time. This guy rocks in. I'm not exaggerating. Six foot seven. Maybe. All elbows, all knees. I mean, like, he was having a bad time in the middle, like, but I see him walking down the plane. And you know, you know, it's like when you're on the bus and the weirdo's coming down. You're going like, he's sitting down next to me. Where on the plane? Which, where? I was just at a dividing line of premium and economy.

4:32Denis:Or in the middle. Yeah, I was in the middle. I'd go right down the back. No, I wouldn't go down the back. I'd go three rows from the back. That's my... Mark, honestly, as you went further down this plane, like, it got worse. Wild, is it? But I like to be beside the snacks. You know the little trolley at the back? What? Did they have that? Help yourself? No, no, no. They do. They have, they leave the trolley at the back. Help yourself. Really? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, I'm... I didn't know that. big fan I didn't see what I was doing I was actually walking into premium and I even went into upper class where they're all asleep in beds which is crazy we were going on little airplane dates right so I'd get up after a few hours and we'd meet each other somewhere on the plane and then she'd say how are the fish goujons and I'd be like what fish goujons we got no fish goujons she got fish goujons I got fish fingers she got a little menu I was just told here you go in a box did she get a knife and fork yeah they got everything She got a cup of tea at one point Stop us I got nothing Yeah We got a big slice of ham We just had to pass it around Yeah People farting Very bad Very bad Very bad I think they're getting away with it as well Yeah Just doing it like Just going to the toilet you know Well it is the pressure apparently It pushes out the wind Oh really It is like yeah But you didn't prepare for it like I know I think the toilet is madness on there as well You know everyone's lining up It's a tiny little toilet Yeah And then some guy will just walk out and he'll have just ruined the place.

5:57Denis:Do you know, he's just like, you know, best of luck with that. Like, what are you doing? It's the same thing when I was in the airport. I'd never really experienced this in, because, you know, we're lucky for the most part. We don't have to wait that long, right? We've got the choice of urinals and stuff. But in the airport, like everyone was using a cubicle. So they were just doing like their pre-flight, like man in a newspaper thing. Sometimes, you know. Doing more. Yeah. It's a good idea sometimes Really? Well get it out What? You mean have a wank before the plane? Yeah For 10 You're going to be on a plane for 10 hours Yeah Get it done And then you're off to sleep Lovely Big fan of that I don't know if you're actually allowed We move on Is it illegal?

6:42In a enclosed Anyway Probably is So the goujons You didn't see No

6:47Denis:So no goujons And then we landed in LA And I have to say like you know LA is a big place but the place that I was in I mean LA is a country like Mark I loved it I saw the future in LA I saw a driverless car nobody in it what are they called Wee-Woo Wee-Woo Wee-Mo or something or something like that right Moo-Moos is it I think they're called yeah yeah but Mark driverless car with a dog in it on its own nobody else in the car and a dog or sending the dog somewhere yeah that's nice had a golden retriever inside in it driving past and I was fucking hallucinating. Are they very slow? No. We're going to sound like absolute.

7:27Like that's they've been around for a while but we don't have them here.

7:32Denis:Come on. How many people have seen a dog drive in a car? True. I listen to a lot of drag queen podcasts from LA and they they talk about this a lot but we don't have it. I don't think we will anytime soon. Our streets are very old and twisty. We don't have the roads for it. Yeah. But also the one thing that was stopping these cars over there was people messing with him. Oh. Like, you know, especially if you got some lad now who's, you know, maybe after a few drinks or whatever, they hate them. Or taunting the car. Give it up to them or something. Bullying the cars. Yeah. And what else? Any highlights?

8:05Denis:We went for a big walk up Runyon Canyon. Okay. That was fun. Why did you do that? To be honest, it's one of those things. You know when you're on holidays and you're in Rome and you want to go see the Colosseum and you want to go see this and you want to go see that. Yeah. And then, like, you're on the verge of, like, constantly having the biggest arguments that you've ever had on a holiday. Yeah. You know, but you're like, we must do this, you know, we must accomplish stuff. So it's a bit of that. But half the same mark, you should see how people are dressed. Every lad was topless. Oh, they're stunning.

8:30Denis:Every single lad was topless and they looked great. I know. And all the, like, all the women marching up there, spandex, like, painted onto them. Yeah. They're holding water, but they're not drinking any of it. You know, like, I know LA is superficial and whatever, but I thought it was great. Yeah. I'd say a lot of men in their 50s they're rich. There was a lad in his 50s and he was running up the hill and he looked class. Was there anything above on the top? There was a lad talking about tarantulas which I enjoyed immensely. Do you see any crazy people? I might edit this out, I'm not sure. Even like the crazy people were good looking.

9:06Oh, they're probably actors that kind of just, it went wrong recently. I think I need to go to America more because I have quite a negative view. I just assume everyone is screaming at each other and it's very intense.

9:17Denis:No, I mean when I lived on the East Coast it was a bit screamy. Yeah. Like people people really get in your face and stuff but I kind of liked it. Like but they're still really talkative. LA's vibe is like it is really laid back. What have you been up to? Oh sure I was in Edinburgh. My never ending life up in Edinburgh. I was there I did a pre-visit I'm I'm there again now by the time this comes out but I went up for my little brows just to be seen and stuff. I stayed with my two the two men from the internet. It was a dream. They were lovely. Because I was a bit, we thought maybe I was going to be objectified or manhandled.

9:57I wasn't.

9:59Denis:How did it come about? They just followed me on the internet and they messaged me and they said, we have a nice house and we have a room. Do you want to come? And I said, great. And I didn't think too much about it because I was very busy. And then I went and they were so nice. They were my dad's for the weekend. They have a lovely life. like it really made me think what on earth are we doing here they live in a beautiful apartment I don't know what it costs but like probably not insane and they've loads of rooms and they've loads of space and they walk around and they go to work like one of them works down the road so he leaves his house at 5 to 10 and he's in work at 10 I got that feeling as well though when I was over in LA maybe it's just that thing where you get your head out of water from the city or something the rush But I did have that same feeling of like, what in the name of God am I doing?

10:50Denis:Tearing around. Like, I came back after the 10-hour flight and I had to get into the car. This was just driving like 50 minutes up the road. Because I'm going to be really careful driving. I drove on to the roundabout and immediately nearly killed a person in a Muppet. Yeah. You know? Because I just drove on to the roundabout. And it was just chaos everywhere. We're wound up. There are awful things obviously happening over in America. But at the same time, Jesus, could we just start smiling over here a bit? I know. They had a great time. And then they were home, like, they were home about half five, six, cooking dinner.

11:23Denis:Couldn't believe it. Did you, like, get up to anything together or did you go anywhere? Not really. I was kind of flying around. They were looking after me and they were making me tea and they were lovely. Very appreciative. It was lovely to have, like, a calm, grown-up place to come back to as well because Edinburgh can, it's very like being at summer camp or everyone is just kind of acting just deranged, you know. it's lovely to come back to normal. It's a bit of suspended like adolescence though, isn't it? Yeah, it's a bit like you've started uni or something. It's very strange. So it was lovely to just come back and be in my 30s again and have a nice place.

12:03I paraded myself around a little bit, you know, just to pay my way. But yeah, really, really nice.

12:09Denis:I was picking the small towel. Oh yeah, oh, no towel. No towel. No, I'm joking. A monogamous couple. Can you believe that? I was furious. I stormed out. I've bumped into a good few monogamous gay couples in my travels in the last few months. I don't agree with that. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm getting so much abuse about this. Yeah, it was a nice little glimpse of another life. You know, peaceful, quiet. They know their neighbours. We had to borrow a hairdryer. They had no hairdryer. And they just knocked on the house next door. Great. Imagine. If my house was on fire they wouldn't call a fire brigade.

12:47Denis:Oh my God. Sure, the woman next door flooded, I don't know why I've started talking about this, but the girl next door flooded my apartment a few months ago. There was rain coming through the roof and all the security, all the management, everything had to come in and they were blaming us. They were like, you've like, I don't know, you've left a pipe on or something and we figured out it was the apartment next door. She had turned on the bath and she fell asleep and the bath flooded her whole flat and leaked across into ours. And like, they knocked on her door and she kind of stuck her head out and was like, oh, sorry.

13:23And not a word. That was it. I was like, sorry, you've actually caused quite a lot of problems for us. Not a word. And I've never seen her again. I'd be mortified. I'd be apologising for weeks.

13:34Denis:Oh, Mark, there's actually someone I have to apologise to. Yeah. So I got on the tube right today. Guy comes up to me, Irish fella, and he says, am I on the right tube to get to Tottenham Court Road? Fairly standard one because sometimes people ask you directions you're like, oh Christ I don't know where that tube station is or how to get it. Easy peasy, right? I told him, get off at the next station because you need to go on the Charing Cross one where on the bank one this means nothing to people who are not from London basically just two different tracks he gets off and then I hear the announcement this is the train to basically Tottenham Court Road.

14:15Denis:Put him wrong. I sent him off the fucking tube. Yeah. An Irish lad as well. Whatever. Oh my God. Who cares? I was there. I was actually on the tube going, please doors close. Close the fucking doors. I know. But sure it's easy to just be a prick. It's like you want to help, right? But your brain's just not working at all. Would they help you? I've gotten real. I try. I try to be nice, but also, you know, kind of just look out for yourself a little bit. Sorry to be rambling, but there was a person that I met over in America who were getting ice cream inside in a place. And she was honestly, she was about, I don't know, was she even like, I crap what ages, maybe she's like 16 or something, right?

14:57Denis:But she was there and she was giving us the testers of the ice cream, telling us all about the ice cream. And just like a heartwarming person. And we both were just blown away by how nice she was. And I was like, my God, that's so nice. and then we both agreed we're like life is going to grind her into dust oh yeah she hasn't not like me it's like I can't even remember being like that I know and I was like god like what's after happening you know I know god we need a well you've just had a holiday I don't know what we need I never feel like my holidays are holidays though I know do you know what I mean I got like I'm I've such a silly brain when it comes to holidays maybe we'll reset now we'll be happy it's also very hot yeah we could restart now we could which could be the change we want to see i do that sometimes i walk out i'm like i'm gonna be so happy today i'm gonna be so nice and the very first second i walk out the door someone just pushes me or something literally but it's that as well like you're walking along you're i'm gonna have a good day like oh it smells like piss someone walked into me today like literally pushed me up against the wall i was like sorry i'm just trying to make my way there should just be some things that you're able to do where you can just oh no actually no i'm i was just about to describe a police state.

16:07Denis:I won't. But if you piss on a toilet seat and you just leave it there, there has to be some sort of special jail for you, surely. Can I tell you my new favourite toilets? Trafalgar Square. I've realised now, if I need to reset my life, Trafalgar Square 20p and you get beautiful, clean toilets with water and mirrors and you can reset yourself. Because I'm always in town and I'm always trying to change my clothes or like wash my face or put on sun cream or whatever all stainless steel beautiful there's a man mopping the floor all the time it's beautiful does it take hard? yeah 20p unbelievable take it take it from me I'm thrilled because the rest of them are grim they are grim yeah and there's no water they've turned off the water I had an amazing toilet that was around Pimlico oh and I was going to the gym quite near there as well and I used to pop in here yeah it was just it was actually it was in like a kind of apartment complex or something pop in there there was a family in the room next door but i used to walk in there right and i was like unbelievable like and then one day i came in and i saw the place and i was like they found it oh it's gone no it was just covered it was just like like someone had assassinated the place and then the next time i went there caught on the door do you think we should have to pay would you pay do you think everyone should pay the 20p well it's one of these things right Everyone should have the right to go to the toilet.

17:38Denis:It's just that not everyone should have the right to go to the toilet. I know. You know what I mean? It's like, again, I mean, how do you control it? Most people are probably thinking I'm talking about, like, you know, let's say people who are not in their right mind or something like that. Oh, it's not even that. It's not that at all. It's just some people just couldn't care less. and they're just like I was on the plane and the people in front of me the baby no it wasn't the baby's fault but the baby was just eating stuff and then just throwing it onto the ground yeah right like big pieces of bread and stuff and then at one point they just threw like a two litre empty two litre bottle plastic bottle onto the ground just didn't pick it up pick up after yourself like Christ's sake you know put up your fucking chair as well pick up your baby we'll take a break we will we will

18:27I was looking at our statistics of our listeners. They're all over the world. Like, there'll be like one person in Malaysia. Who is it? I really can. Everyone who's not in the UK, Ireland. It's UK, Ireland, America, Australia, Canada. They're the big ones. Belgium. I have a lot of fans in Belgium. And then there's like two people in maybe Jamaica. Who are they? Do you think they're Irish people on holidays? or there are so many countries there's some countries I don't know what they are yeah like as in I had to look them up and stuff

19:00Denis:I actually we drilled down into the into the Malaysian one yeah because of contact that knows a bit about Malaysia and it's not just one place in Malaysia there was like four different places but they're kind of like expat communities oh some gay now working in an embassy or something it's always yeah I know them I have a question kind of what we were talking about being a bit kind of frustrated with where we live. I think you live in a nice place actually but if you had to relocate your living quarters to another part of London can't leave London because we need to do the podcast. But if you could reset your life and you could wake up tomorrow living in a different part of London where would it be and why?

19:51Denis:like it's so funny to see how far your dream slips and how like what actually becomes your happiness maybe it's a good thing i don't know yeah i can't really decide whether or not it's like i'm losing my god my passion for life or whether i'm becoming just more of a simple person and being happier with the things that are important okay but i would definitely move to some commuter town oh yeah i would actually move quite far out i would move like my ideal thing would be like 45 minutes outside London from the centre bang in the centre which isn't that long where are we going home county Hertfordshire I don't like down south somewhere sorry maybe sorry I don't know like even a small town or something I just all I want in life Mark is I just want a little house that I can do DIY in that's all I want I don't want like I want to achieve the dream that my dad achieved when he was half my age or whatever he's crying in the studio but you know just like it'd be lovely because you could just pop in then I mean the idea is that you go to London right but obviously you never end up going to London yeah you know but that's what I want you look at me in shock and horror no because yeah because I often think that's like people maybe oh god kind of have to that's maybe not the go on the goal but it's kind of what we had to settle for.

21:21Oh, yeah. As in, like, you're being pushed out of London or whatever. But that's actually the goal.

21:26Denis:I think so, yeah. Nice. I think you can have the best of all worlds. Yeah. It's just like, again, I'm on one today after going on a lot of this, but, like, yeah, it's like, I want a little, because you notice it, right, when you get out of London a little bit. Yeah. You know, it's the same, probably, well, no, actually it's not, I'm just being, I'm just trying to be fair to London for some reason. Yeah, yeah. It's like when you get further out, people start talking to you a little bit more right make eye contact you a little bit more depends on who you are well yeah true okay yeah true that'll be my concern well like even in my small little way you know which is nothing compared to other people but like in my small little way I will send Lisa up to say things for us in certain places like I think I mentioned this in a podcast before we went down to Luce Luce or something it's one of the towns you're thinking about it's all full of antique stores and whatever and everyone goes in there and I went into two antique places and I was approached twice asked about something as if I was working there.

22:18Were you involved?

22:19Denis:Oh, I thought... No, no, no. Were you involved in the troubles? No, well, yeah, I mean, they'd ask me not to... I've had that quite often recently. The last tourists asking me very casually, what was that all about? What were those... What was all of that bombing about? I was like, sorry? Very... Just throwing it out very, like, casually. okay so we're going to Surrey little house and what would you do drive in or get the train are you going to be someone who's like it's only 45 minutes to London Bridge and then you never you never come in I probably like I know I think I actually would come in I think I'd love it I love being on a train as well though yeah like I get so much I get my life sorted out in a train like the notes that I have in my phone from being on trains about goals for you know 2020 whatever and I'm going to do this this and that they all happen on the trains you know once I get off the train and do nothing like but it's yeah i love it i really really like it what about you are you are you you're probably dead center i couldn't do that now but like as an lgbt do you know i wouldn't i just couldn't it's just that's something you mentioned i noticed in la um i was actually gonna text you when i was over there right but i was like i was like there's gays there's a lot of gays no it was just it was just a very like quite suburban in places of where i was yeah but people were dressing in whatever way they wanted and it seemed really acceptable but i definitely have those goggles on now with london where i forget that like when i'm walking through london or whatever or like soho or any part really like oxford street or whatever you just see like a million different people right yeah and people can like for the most part i hope feel comfortable dressed in whatever they want in certain places right and you forget that that immediately probably ends.

24:07Oh, you go beyond zone two, three. Different story. Yeah, all the phobias start right. Not now to generalise, but often. But it's true though, isn't it? Often. And it could be poor places, it could be the wealthiest places. You go off, far off to the west, gets very uppity class and you mightn't be so accepted in your little LGBT regalias.