#32 Clubbing and Gargling in Berlin

0:05Denis:Welcome to this week's episode of Your Internet Boyfriends. This is recorded in a WhatsApp message because we completely forgot to do the intro. And that's all down to Mark telling me what has to be the most shocking thing I've ever heard in what is now 32 episodes of this podcast. You're lovely in the blue. The eyes are popping out of your head. I've never seen you smile at me like that. In the blue, yeah. I'm feeling good. They'll see them. Look straight into the camera now. Show them the eyes. Look at that. How are you? 19 years old. Are you well? I'm giddy, like yourself. I'm giddy. I'm actually, I'm just in rare form.

0:37Denis:Okay. I'm feeling kind of good. I'm feeling like I could say anything, you know what I mean? Right. Say it. Well, I'll say one thing. I was at the gym before this. Yeah. Trying to get in a little pump for the cameras. Yeah. And I was lying on the Smith machine. What's that? The Smith machine is like the bench that's like assisted. Okay. So I was lying on a bench basically, flattened my back. Cool. Looking at the ceiling. Hmm. with my earphones in, listening to death metal, and get up, no one in the gym, everyone's gone. Oh. Take out my earphones, blaring fucking siren going off, left me for dead, inside in the gym.

1:11Denis:Oh, you couldn't hear it? I couldn't hear it at all. What, fire? Yeah. I couldn't smell any smoke, thank God either, but I was lying on my back. I woke up and I thought, oh, they've closed the gym, and then the siren was going off. Yeah. Left me there. I got one set in. Horrendous. Oh, awesome. Was everyone outside then in their small clothes. Yeah, loving life. Having chit-chat. Oh, the chit-chat was horrendous. Shocking. I had to run away. All the old lads making chit-chat. Oh God, I couldn't do it. They were telling, they were telling, you know, they were saying to the women, oh, you ahead of me, I'll save your life.

1:43Denis:And I, you know, slap the arse and stuff. It's like, oh, come on, go away. Did you go back in then? No, I didn't. I actually had a, they wanted us to go to a checkpoint and meet in the square. And I was like, I'm on a podcast with Mark T Cox I have to go yeah because you were tight with time anyway yeah I know but I went to all that effort to go in there and the whole place evacuated is that near here or near your house about half an hour away oh plus I had to go down the tube to go back up the tube so it was a bit annoying was there a high viz high viz man yeah there was a lot of walkie talkie and he didn't know what he was doing he was praying to God that the alarm would go off so he wouldn't have to do his stuff I love the person what do they call them safety officer fire fire warden they snap into action.

2:28We used to have them in my old job.

2:29Denis:He was walking around bricked up getting people out. Yeah. He was saying, get out there now. Well, except for me, who he left to die in the fire. Yeah. How are you feeling? I did my little run this morning. Did you? We tried again. Mark, I don't know if I imagine this right, because your stories, how do I say this? Sometimes I have to flick through them quite quickly, some of them, right? You know, because depending on where I am, Like if I'm in a church or something, you know, like saying my prayers, I need to flick past a couple of them. But did I see like kind of like a paparazzi shot of you running?

3:03Denis:Yeah. From last year. Over last year? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was? Can't disclose anything about that. I was papped. Oh, you were papped? In Dalston, in Hackney. Oh, wow. There was an article about it. Was there? You have to dig back. If you go back to July 24. Lovely man in 90 pound shorts. Yeah. Cock jogging. Yeah. Dogging and dogging. Yeah. I was intruded upon by the press. Have a look. But I made a big mistake here. I posted dirt the minute just before I walked into the studio. Very big mistake because. Did you have the dirt in the chamber? Like was it? Oh, yeah. It's from ages ago. I just like I have them in the pot.

3:48and I plan I plan them out I thought Monday you know we're recording on Monday I thought you know give them a treat and it's around kind of 4 or 5 o 'clock so they're they're doing nothing they're at home scrolling away and wanking so yeah

4:01Denis:you're feeding the fishes feed the fishes but then they all start writing back so like it was a bad time to do it because the phone is hopping out I actually just had to put it on airplane you should just hire some to send back devil faces you know yeah you can save replies as well have you ever done that I don't do that I don't but you can you can have you know some people respond very blunt like very quick like hey thanks for messaging just at work it would be great to see you soon catch up that was a lot of words very quickly they have saved replies do you you know from doing the podcast and stuff like we try to give them all sorts of different content along the week so when you're scheduling out your like next six months of filth do you say like well you know they're getting an arse on Monday now we'll give them a little bit of front on the little bit of nipple on Wednesday.

4:49Denis:Like, do you do that? And then you launch the Christmas show. Go straight in there with the Christmas show poster. Because it doesn't show them any, if you say anything about anything genuine that you want to promote, silence, crickets, no. Like, I posted a story this morning of just me with no top on. I got 3 ,500 views on my Instagram. And you could post a poster about a show that you've spent six months writing and planning could get 200 views. It just doesn't go out to anyone. Instagram algorithm loves an arse. To trick them. Give them a little trick. Here's an arse. Here's my trick, Michelle.

5:28What was the week? What were you doing?

5:30Denis:Oh, Lord. I forget about the week. Yesterday morning I woke up with a bang. All plans for Sunday. Woke up. Lisa next to me. My neck. My neck. Who? She? The neck. Gone. Bad start to the day when you wake up and the neck is gone. Yeah. She couldn't move. Couldn't move. I didn't have to, I didn't, like the alarm hadn't even gone off. Neck was gone because she doesn't want to believe this but she was playing a game of rounders during the week. Rounders. A game of rounders. She had a big comeback in rounders and I'd say she swung for home and took out the neck. How do you play rounders? With a stick?

6:12You never played rounders? I did in school. Rounders, throwing a ball.

6:16Denis:Well, it's like, it's like baseball for Irish people. Yeah. Right? You get, usually you get whatever you have at hand, like a tennis racket. A wacky ball. It's usually bowled underarm, little tennis ball, bowled out underarm, they hit it out, then you got people out in the bases. Same as baseball, except it's usually a ring, it's not like a, you know, like a diamond. Yeah. And then you go all running around the place. Yeah, we did in school, I didn't think grown-ups did it. They do, yeah. Okay. Well, I mean, she did it for one day and now she's out. and then she told me to get the gun which the gun massage out of the drawer out of the drawer give it a wipe fuck how are we going to keep that in no no look I will say right there are people out there who are misusing those guns of course they're because the the the adjustments and and the bits and tools you get with that gun yeah yeah are shaped for for no back yeah you know they're for all sorts of places yeah does it go in and out or it shakes is it like vibrating oh it goes in and out around twirls around does whatever you need it to do like vibrating mad like yeah like there's one that's shaped like a bullet so you know do what you will yeah but we got the gun out started doing that just nine o 'clock in the morning.

7:45What had you planned? What did this ruin now?

7:48Denis:Well, we were going to, as we do, we were actually going to delve into making sushi for the first time ever. Okay. So, unless we were able to make her a tray at eye level and that she could cut up the sushi. So instead, what did we end up getting? Oh, we got a meal deal in Tesco. So it was actually really nice. Lovely. And I still got the credit for making sushi even though her neck was broken. Yeah. You know what I mean? You had intended. Did you buy the bits? no I bought nothing yeah I bought the idea yeah you know she's still crocked the only thing is no it'll be hard to convey this over audio but she's turned to the side so like with her head tilted so anytime she says anything it's like she's being sarcastic she's questioning or threatening yeah you know tilt I said to her yesterday I was like will I put on dinner and she was like yeah and I was like are you going to attack me what's the story oh yeah she's questioning she comes right it's not well no we massaged four times yesterday we put on a bit of deep heat had a fright this morning and I woke up yeah smell of deep heat next to me yeah I didn't know who the hell was next to me it's intense a big man yeah I thought it was Liam instead of Lisa like didn't know what was going on big man from the gym big man it's a very manly smell isn't it it is a very manly smell I quite like it to be honest it's very nice but yeah so deep heat the gun everything trying to get her neck back but she's not very happy about it I have a metal bottle of iced coffee I just realised it's very noisy Sound engineer for the sound editor later All they can read on the bottle Is the beak Oh yeah Well they can't see it now It's out of frame I'm loving looking at ourselves Here on the cameras That's all you're going to be doing For the whole thing But you know I was in Following on from the injuries Yeah I was in Little Earlier on today Doing a little shop And It's criminal When you look down at a basket And you go to reach for something And you go This could take me out the back yeah this could take me out like as in I've got to that point now in my life where I'm going like if I pick up that slice of bread too fast yeah it's gonna be my next week gone go down with the knees though well you don't like what does it say you're not gonna squat down for a slice of bread I do do you yeah would you squat for less slut drop down for a little I do yeah I've learnt now every time you're going down try and go down go down with the knees cause it's dangerous every time you're down down the knees yeah yeah yeah keep the back straight because like I'm so tall as well I'm so nervous I've ended up crocked and bent over and like with a bad back so yeah down with the knees inside in the shop good advice it's tough though the thighs then you have to keep them down in your hands and knees the milk just trying to get the banya you know my my PT told me that the biggest injuries that his clients receive is opening the washing machine yeah squat down yeah but you're squatting down in front of the washing machine.

10:41Denis:Sure. Christ, if someone walked in and you're, you know. Did I ever tell you about my peak insanity of lockdown when I got into the washing machine? What? I was doing, The Glory was a bar that's closed, RIP, but they had like a live cabaret show and I decided to sing Spinning Around by Kylie Minogue. so I really like should have been in therapy or something I was unemployed for six months completely broke. Anything but go to therapy. I was like so demented I thought I can't go on anymore so I sang spinning around and we made like a projection so it looked like I was in the washing machine spinning around funny but then we needed to do like a scene of hey come with me into the washing machine so I had to like pretend like half get my leg and my head into the washing machine and then it like and then it flipped to as if I was in the washing machine awful times how did you feel after that then?

11:49Denis:did you feel? stupid like just because you're performing to people sending little love hearts on bloody Facebook live or whatever it was and did the plumber come around the corner then you were stuck in the washing machine yeah oops how will I get out of this predicament yeah No, it was Donald. And he was helping me. And we had a housemate at the same time. So we're like, can you just stay in your room for an hour? Because we need to do something stupid here. People went off the rails. Oh, I demented. But then you do these live shows. And like, you just hang up then. And you're just sitting in your house like a fool.

12:26Denis:What the hell was that about? One of the strangest things, though, was doing it without the reaction. Yeah. You know, where you're just almost running out of breath. doing it in Zoom. It was criminal. Like, it was so bad. I did twice a week for months. I did a live show. I didn't know you at that time. No. Twice a week, pulled the piano into the bed and sang songs into the internet. What? I was streaming on Twitch four or five days a week. That's a bit more like... I did have the best fun, though. Set up normal. That's kind of normal, though. Yeah. Like, you would do that now. Yeah, I would. If I was able to do that now and get like paid nicely for it.

13:05Denis:I would definitely do it. It is fun. Yeah. But you are just stuck inside. That's the only thing. But that's more kind of common. I think it suits, because you're sitting at a computer and you're playing, like you're in the natural place to do that. Yeah, you're not in a washing machine. Not in a washing machine, or you're not like singing in your kitchen to no one. It's so stupid. Would you do a little revival of the streaming? I would. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to do it when I'm like super, super famous. Okay. you know and they're like begging me to do it yeah yeah god he goes on stream as well yeah because it is it's a like i love doing it but it's and i did well on it like like yeah yeah we built up loads of people is there money yeah i was making money wow making money at like you know tons of people would you in a very tight little blouse uh yeah would there be more money yeah loads of money if you if you went if you went to that direction you'd make loads of money but you know it just you know everyone went back and then but anyway enough about that time that we all forget yeah yeah yeah what else have you been at I got out of the washing machine I've been over and back to Dublin in my new my new role as mayor of Dublin judge of Dublin Fringe traumatic now I don't know when this is coming out so I might be there again I've lost track of my life but I was there maybe two weeks ago and I had a great time I was pottering around Went to my little meeting And then I went for a walk Do you ever go for a walk Through town And you're like Looking around I used to live there The big comeback Yeah yeah yeah As if anyone cares And you cross the bridge You'd be praying To bump into someone Oh yeah Praying to bump into someone And it doesn't actually happen I don't know anyone In Dublin anymore So I was walking along And then I got a pizza De Fontaine's And I was like Just doing all the little things That I like to do And then I was heading back To the place I was staying And I walked past the George and Veda I could hear her through the walls she was on stage singing her song Supermarché and like I've worked with her and we're friends so I was like will I pop in but I was on my own and I nearly didn't I did like a little lap around hold the phone you said before you'd pop out for a night on your own I know but I hadn't planned like I was just heading home from a meeting thing so I did a little lap and then I but happened to walk past the George yeah I did I wanted to see and it's just like they were on the stage so I was like okay so I went in and it was it was like a little movie because they were in full flow there was like two songs left in the show and all the girls were there twirling around and and then I finished and then I went out to the smoking area and then oh my god I don't know how to talk about this properly because I'm going to get I'm going to change timelines and names a little bit alright let me settle in But I bumped into someone, like I have a lot of exes in Dublin.

16:00Denis:No. But they're fine, kind of. But I have the people who went on to be with those people after me. Do you know what I mean? Their current partners or now their exes. So you end up having conversations with people and you kind of share an ex. And I met this person. and i was just like shook because i was on my own so i was like i'm a bit awkward anyway and he basically came over and said i've hated you for the last 12 years because of what you did i was like hello what do you mean and then it turned into like a hour-long conversation about all the things so he dated someone that i used to date okay does that make sense yeah after you after me okay great and of course quite soon after to live up to the old mtc right yeah i but also got all the news about why things had gone wrong and the news was skewed the news bad news was very skewed and he was like um uh it's nice to see you and uh you know we can move on i was like what are you talking about i don't i don't know Why does he have to move on?

17:18I don't know. And then he started telling me all these things that he had perceived about me that I was like, beating your man up and like really aggressive and abusive. I'm like, you thought, because he lied. He was lying. He was telling stories about me that weren't true. But this person for the last 12 years thinks that I'm like a big bully, a big aggressive. Can you imagine me like beating up someone?

17:43Denis:I can say right now that Mac has only hit me once or twice. But like you needed that. Yeah, I know. But I was out of line. You were late. I was late home and I have a tight curfew. Isn't that wild? But then, and he was, yeah, there's more to the story. I can't say. It was wild. But wait, did this guy just come up to you? We know each other. Yeah, we know each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But was this his first? This was the first proper chat about the whole thing. And he just went straight into it. And did he then, like, realize that it was all lies? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or was he resistant to that? No, no, no.

18:14we both kind of came to this little agreement that oh we've both been in a weird situation and now we're realising but do you ever wonder like what do people what have people been told about you that you don't know my constant worry of like have people been given stories that aren't true

18:35Denis:I'll tell you oh god I'll have to tread very carefully here as well dance around it I will dance around it I'll go one easier one first like when i was uh like back where i'm from i went there was there was a couple of people a couple of guys who absolutely could not stand me yeah i never spoke to them yeah right but obviously like to the grapevine they didn't like something about me whatever right and i remember i met one of these guys out one night again i would have no communication with him met one of these guys out one night and had a great laugh and at the end of it he just goes oh look I'm really sorry like for all these years you know just kind of hating you and stuff um he said like just one of the guys just kind of took it against you and then we all just kind of followed it and he goes I didn't really know you at all and I was like yeah I didn't know you either like but you know what a weird pastime to have for years and not really know what the hell they're saying you know they didn't even have a story a reason there was no reason they just decided there was no reason they were just you know I had a took against me whatever I do definitely, like, I don't worry, but you do definitely have to think of the narrative, I think, that maybe ex-relationships have.

19:51Denis:Because I've been in some that definitely their narrative, their, like, if they were to tell the clear story to their friends, they probably wouldn't come across the best. So I would understand if they cleaned it up a little bit. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Or make themselves look a bit better. Yeah, because I assume they can't, you know, they're not going to come up and tell them like all right i'm gonna get i'm gonna get serious this is more of a philosophical thing this is not but i was watching a lot of love is blind right you watch that are you you telling a story about yourself and pretending it's no no no no no i was watching a lot of love is blind okay and i was just hearing people's explanations of their behavior and stuff right and there is definitely this thing in the last couple of years where people instead of just kind of owning up and having accountability on their behavior yeah they kind of like write it away as you know this thing happened that thing happened and then this thing happened so therefore you know it wasn't it wasn't my fault even though i did it and it's like but you did do it like like what are you talking about you know well it's actually because i was you know it's like they'll literally say like but i was in terrible mood that day so that's why I treated you like shit and it's like okay cool but you still treated me like shit like.

21:10Yeah like I'm sorry that the circumstances

21:13Denis:led me to do that. It's bonkers like it's like where's the oh sorry like I was just being a dick. Yeah. You know. And I've been a dick. Yeah. To many. I have too. I'm sure. But I think it's nothing that severe. Oh god can you imagine how there's someone at home listening and they're a dick. That fucker. i'm sure yeah those people hate loads of people hate me i'm sure like but if it's justified but when it's wrong when it's false information yeah oh my god do you have many exes that you're in contact with yeah loads like most okay in terms of like um months like how many months you know like do you have a lot of exes six months plus um yeah yeah yeah pretty much everyone is kind of around like it's so long ago when i've had like full proper relationships do you think that over 10 years ago do you okay that's a little bit different so most of them are like but i guess um do you think that in like with like gay men it's like a little easy is it easier to kind of um i think it's more uh acceptable to hang around and be friends with another guy like for a straight man to stay friends with any kind of woman whether it's an ex or not it's kind of a bit it is there's a nervousness about it i think it's more common that you'd end up in a gang of gays and one of them happened to be your ex but a gaggle of gays i think yeah collective but yeah no i think i think it's fairly fairly common um and would there still be the same kind of is he is it just because it's more kind of acceptable um to kind of just i don't know have a bit more fluid fun yeah oh yeah rather than like you know the unlikeliness is is how do i say you know you know what i mean yeah yeah there's loads like yeah there's loads of things there's loads of friends that i have had very silly casual little things with and it's no big deal not like relationships just like yeah a bit of riding a bit of fiddling it's grand no problem but if you were together and then you broke up and it was a proper thing yeah you can still be friends I think down the road yeah except if there's lies and they hate you for 12 years I've hated you for 12 years can you imagine I think the person who comes out and says that after 12 years probably needs to do some work themselves well I was like yeah it's quite a long time ago god anyway we'll take a break okay let's do it

23:55Mark, we're back. Hello, we're back. I've had a note from my manager that I have forgotten to mention something very important and it starts this weekend and I'll be shot if I don't mention it. I have a new show. I'm starting a chat show.

24:09Denis:Are you? A little Sunday evening chat show at Roses of Elagabalas and I want people to come. So that's it. What are you doing? It's on the 14th of September. I'm going to wear a nice suit. and I'm going to be at a desk and I'm going to be interviewing prominent LGBTs from around the world, why not, about what they're doing and life and community and faggotry. It'd be great. And there's like, you can have dinner, have a little drink, like an old-fashioned TV chat show. Are you going to do a little song? I'll do a little song, maybe one song to get them started. And then, depends who's the guest, there might be a song from someone, but it's more like kind of Graham Norton like you have a guest have a chat someone else comes on the three of us have a chat someone else comes on and it turns into a little panel Do you have a house band?

25:01I'll be the band Okay Not a very big stage But yeah I think it's going to be lovely a Sunday evening so it's like lazy kind of slow down a lot of lonely people on Sunday evenings feeling bad Sorry for the

25:14Denis:Get rid of the Sunday fear by attending What's it called? It's called The Weekend Review Oh lovely And it's spelt R-E-V-U-E. Oh, it's the fancy one. Yeah. Oh, lovely. It's going to be every month. Do we have some guests lined up for this one? Can't say. We do. Oh. We have a mixture of like, there might be a big name, there might be a local artist, there might be someone who like runs a club or something. So kind of like community news. Like this is what's coming up next month. You should come. And kind of get all these venues to talk to each other a bit more as well. Like they're not in competition.

25:48They're all... Everyone is trying to make things happen.

25:52Denis:It's very hard for people to work together sometimes, but I love the objective of it. You know, there's so many places around Dalston. If they talk to each other, it benefits everybody because you're like, okay, you have a big thing this weekend. Maybe we'll save our big thing until the weekend after. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Coordinate a little bit. Maybe, maybe. That's very cool. Does your mother know about this? God, I haven't talked to her. I need to give her a call. Just remembered. It's been four days. I should tell her yeah when your mother finds out that you're basically on the Late Late Show your own Late Late Show yeah she'll tell all of Innes yeah we're gonna treat it like it is TV you should like it's only there in person but we're gonna treat it as if it's yeah okay and where can we get tickets just on my Instagram okay yeah I think it's nearly sold out but then there'll be one every month unbelievable I have to bring you in you could be a guest you could be the first ally on the stage.

26:50Denis:We'll see how it goes over taking a space book. But I wanted to talk about I was watching something I was procrastinating a lot the other night and I started watching the Loch Ness Monster documentary on Netflix. Oh, documentary.

27:08I was looking out the window. She was going up and down the road. They always call her she. Isn't that funny?

27:14Denis:Yeah, Nessie. Isn't that funny? Decided. do you believe? Do I believe? You know I know a lot about the Loch Ness Monster I've looked into it before What do you know? Well I know that they've gone to great efforts to try and see if they can uncover this Nessie character and they've failed but I came up with a solution and I think that the solution would be because it's not actually a huge body of water that she's in it's just we do just need to build a massive net from one side to the other and just kind of dredge the water a little bit. Should be scared. I think there's, you know, there's reports of Nessie being able to walk as well.

27:55Denis:Yeah. Come out of the lake and like sleep in the nearby fields and forests and stuff. God. But that's prehistoric dinosaur, or well, they're all prehistoric, but like maybe prehistoric dude in there at some point, maybe not anymore. Do you think it's just one? I think it's like Bigfoot it's just one I don't think there's a family of them in there because it wouldn't be if it was one she'd be able to kind of control the place like but if it was a couple but how could anything nothing has ever lived millions of years we don't know if it's millions of years it could just be the last one left and it's like you know like a tortoise or something like 200 years old yeah I think there's a few I think there's a family there's a few you only see one but there has to be more than one because if one died then they'll get replaced Do you know do you know what tapers are?

28:48Denis:Have you seen those guys? Yeah With the schnoz Yeah There was a David Attenborough Planet thing on BBC One last night and they were trying to film tapers a mother and or was it a mother and a son Yeah And you think God they've got loads of footage of that No No footage of it Never seen They had never they didn't know how how they took care of the young. They had no idea. And then these two people sat in a forest for 20 days just to see some interaction of the mother and the son. So I will go a little ways along with you on that. Yeah. That there might be a baby nest in there somewhere. I think there's some kind of a funny bit of an animal that we don't know about and they've just gotten stuck in that lake and they've been reproducing over the years.

29:36But they live way down at the bottom. And they come up once a month or something. But the people in the documentary are so, they're so normal about it. They're like, oh yeah, I saw it. It's no big deal. It's like just part of it.