#34 Meeting a Critic in the Steam Room

0:05Denis:Welcome to this week's episode of Your Internet Boyfriends. Hello, Mark T. Cox. Hello, Dennis Lynn. This week we're talking about cyber attacks, steamy critiques and airports. And we'll be hearing from our international internet boyfriend, Johnny. I stormed in, I said hello. You had the same energy of someone finishing up supermarket sweep. I left my hotel in Dublin at half past eight this morning and I walked in the door here at four p.m. How on earth are we supposed to have business across the Irish Ocean? It takes so long. But you know what's so funny as well is everyone just says, oh sure, I'll fly home there.

0:43Denis:I'll be home in two hours. It's only an hour. It's seven hours. I think everyone gets their distances mixed up anyway. I always say that I live 20 minutes from Cork. It would be a land speed record to get up to Cork in 20 minutes. I stormed in the door. You did? Yeah. You did? Swing in the bag You came in It was a bit of an entrance too I think you liked that though I think you liked the photo Because the phone had died And I had the meal deal And I had the backpack And I had the suitcase And I had the meal deal All three elements of the meal deal In one hand And then the suitcase And my phone died And I was trying to text you To say I'm nearly there And you didn't get any of the meal deal eaten?

1:17No it's over there in the corner

1:19Denis:Don't pinch your munch away Because there's no time Because probably people are into that here and eat Did you ever watch Supermarket Sweep? I just want to go back to it No Oh do you know what it is? Going through as much as you can Yeah you know Dale Winton No it didn't have us You don't know Dale Winton There's going to be people Giving out about that Yeah You don't know who Dale Winton is Yeah Dale Winton Unless Hmm Oh No no no It's fine I'm thinking of a different person But no Dale Winton You know like you get to go Okay how about Remember in the den For any British viewers out there It's like Blue Peter To us Irish people Yeah Do you remember in the den When they get to go into a supermarket it yeah and or into a toy store and they'll be able to get as much into the trolley as they want yeah yeah did that did you ever feel like that like i felt like that was the ultimate goal when i was younger yeah sweep through how much would they have like i think there was i think there was desperate um small limits did you have the look for less that's what i was watching what's that where like 90s tv show they have like a runway look a very expensive like designer look and then they're thrown in like a Walmart or something and they're given $10 and they have to create the look for less.

2:28And it would be not bad. They'd find like thrifty things. When is this? The 90s? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Flying around. A lot of running around with trolleys. And cameras like very shaky. Cameraman bursting out into the shelves and stuff. I love that stuff. I really like that. Really good. Tell us all about, I have an awful lot of news. So if I start talking,

2:48Denis:I'd say there's an awful lot of news coming in the phone there. The phone is hopping, yeah. Should I turn that off? No, you had the phone off, so. Oh, yeah. They were starved. Do you see it? Hopping. It's hopping. Because it was off for about 20 minutes. Sizzling like an egg on a frying pan. Bang, bang, bang. I'm in flying form, but it's just through complete exhaustion. Yeah. That big, that round cat, that bulbous cat, has, he strikes back. The cat is stricken back. Oh, my God. Last night kept me up the whole night. Talking. he does talk he's a very talky cat like so i do love the cat right but last night i i won't say i wanted to end him but i did want to remove him from where he lived yeah and he he has certain meows right so like if it's annoying meow he'll kind of go like and he's just you know he's like he's like a child hitting pots and pans last night though he communicated that there was something out the back because he was a bit scared and he was like meow and when you know a cat and you read into it then you start getting scared what could it be what the hell is it like what's out there and why is the cat freaking out so much but I know people have probably heard earlier episodes where I've been giving out about the cat meowing and stuff and they're like what's wrong with you this cat is huge right and has like a baritone voice like so he yowls inside the kitchen you can't get used to it's like a rooster going off but he was at it the whole night who likes this cat why I like the cat you don't have to have it he just has some sort of like moments he's a very he's a very emotionally intelligent cat so he wanted to come in and warn us right I mean he also sings when he wants to take a shit as well that's really annoying I do that take a break do a number that's great and what if you left the door open you have to leave oh the back why would you leave the back door open like he goes out the back He's looking at something up the back.

4:42Denis:What if... Oh, are you saying to get rid of him? What if you left the door open too often and... You know. He just... He wandered off. Took a walk. This cat wouldn't wander off anywhere. No. He wouldn't go over a small walk. He has it made. Yeah. I bought him a little pumpkin dickie bow though. That's nice. Yeah, he's enjoying that. Yeah. He's enjoying that. That is nice. But that was my reward for buying it. So I'm a bit delirious but, you know, getting there. Because you can't talk to it You can't reason You can't reason with the cat It knows what you're saying though Yeah It knows what you're saying It's just ignoring it What would you say?

5:19Denis:What would I say to it? Foodies Shut the fuck up That's what I say to it Yeah Do you know what You know what's scary as well Is when you have a dog Have you ever Oh Betsy You had some dogs Yeah we talked about them But you know if a dog's in the bed Especially throughout the country You know in Ennis Yeah And a dog is there And you're like Starts growling About three o 'clock in the morning Yeah Could kill you. No, no, no. The dogs are going to kill you because I'm biting your toes. I mean, like he's growling. There's something around. Oh. But it could be a bird. Could be a serial killer. You don't know.

5:50Denis:Dog can't tell you. That's what I don't like about dogs. Betsy used to hop around the garden. Like, it was like there was something in the grass and she was bouncing. I know what you mean. What do they do? What's that about? I know what you mean, yeah. It's like hopping on worms or something. Like hopping on worms. She's demented in the middle of the night. Like, actually, like, like there was a fucking spirit or something just like marping about. Have you news from Ennis? I have some news, right? So I was rummaging around today in my delirium, right? Oh. And I came across this leaflet. I'm so glad you brought up Ennis.

6:25Denis:Yeah. Came across this leaflet, right, that I thought we could go through. Please. But it is, it's from Discover Ireland. Yeah. I remember it now. I got this in the Cliffs of Moher and then just completely forgot that I did it. Yeah. And it's called Keep Discovering Ennistown. Wow. Right. And could you maybe describe the front for the listeners? What are the highlights? I have no glasses. Oh, there's Maraide and Sinead. Stepping out. Lovely jeans from Dunn's. Two lovely blouses. Yeah. I'd say a peplum. What's that called? When they get floaty-floaty around the middle. Those kind of tops. Oh. The top, the blouse.

7:05Kind of floaty-floaty. Touching me with a woman Highlights on Sinead And then Mairead has gone For the brunette

7:12Denis:So they're walking On the street Is that an actual place In Ennis That's the square That's the square Of the height Give it back to me No I don't want you Revealing it I've never opened this I haven't opened this It's quite a large thing But I just wanted to see If we could discover The highlights of Ennis The highlights of Ennis It's got a very big Tone map I have to get my glasses And then Do you know what Now that I open it Not a whole lot in here There has to be A few highlights It's just a big map. It's just a huge map. Yeah. What an incredible disappointment. Is there no bit of a... So it just points out that there's a swimming pool.

7:47Denis:Yeah. There's a Garda station. Police station. What else have you got? Public toilets. Have you ever used those? Yeah. It's a bit of an advertisement for like a hotel, a boutique, capital of Ireland it's supposed to be. Can I just tell you right now, the first sentence in this, boutique. With narrow winding streets, quaint laneways, historical buildings and a busy market atmosphere, Ennis is known as the boutique. I told you, we were all briefed. That's where they're getting all the blows from. We were all briefed 20 years ago to start saying Ennis is the boutique capital of Ireland. Who came up with that?

8:22Do you know who came up with that?

8:24Denis:Who? She had a shop in Ennis. Who is this? Oh, some woman. Yeah, yeah. What's her name? Which one? Oh, Frances. Frances? it is the boutique capital until Kildare village opened and then we had competition that's a whole other world it's also the information age capital of Ireland did I tell you about this before when when the internet came how can you beep all of these things there was money from Europe and every house in Ennis got a free computer as a test for the future of Ireland what would a town be like if everyone had a computer isn't that mad an explosion in wanking. Wanking up and down the road non-stop.

9:04Isn't that wild? A free computer for every family. Pornhub messages. But we were outside the town. Like we're in the countryside so we didn't get it. But the town itself you could call it Silicon Valley.

9:17Denis:What was the point? What was everyone meant to be doing the computers? It was like just to give a town like as an experiment how would things work if the whole place had computers. But sure there's nothing to do with Microsoft Word. I don't know how the internet I think they all got connected there was something else I should have more information all just writing mad letters on it but it's yeah boutique capital of Ireland and stepping out hitting the shops going for a scone it has the Ennis Friary have you ever been in that? beautiful yeah used to house 300 friars yeah at one point all gone it has Daniel O 'Connell one of basically or George Washington yeah Ennis is renowned for his traditional music that can be enjoyed in many of the pubs oh yeah the cafes and restaurants dotted throughout the town offer tasty local produce.

10:02Denis:God. Are you tasty local produce? Yeah. Stroll along the River Fergus which winds its way through the town and soak up the vibrant atmosphere along its medieval streets. Are you sold? It's a boutique capital of Ireland. It's very twisty, turny, windy little. It is very small. Is it kind of like, would it be like comparable to maybe like the Champs -Élysées that kind of, you know, shrunk. A lot of controversies now, a lot of pedestrianisation discussions in the town. You're talking about tiny laneways and full of cars. So that's been a never-ending discussion. I had a proposal when I was in university doing my architectural degree to put a roof on the town.

10:49That's what they do in Japan. All those small streets, they put a roof. Just like, not completely enclosed like airtight, but just like a foot or two above the building. just put a nice little roof and then you can walk up and down.

11:03Denis:That's a great idea. That'd be lovely. Yeah. Why not? Local councils don't like good ideas. They don't like anything. They put down a fucking flower pot. Oh my God. Dublin city is just flower pots everywhere that are fine, but like make something a bit more permanent. They absolutely are stone mad for like pansies, petunias. Yeah. What else do they have inside there? Just any sort of those twee little flowers. Yeah. And that's it then. They win Tidy Tones and then council wraps up for another year. Bollards. They love that brown material on the ground. It's like gravel but it's held in with glue.

11:40It's like a hard surface but it's really bright kind of cream coloured. It's all over the place. What else news have you?

11:47Denis:What else have I been doing? Oh, I might need some help with this. Yeah. I'm organising a stag. Oh. Yeah, I'm organising a stag. Very... Where? As far as I'm aware, I mean... I can't say maybe. Don't say where. No, I can't say where. It's going to be on in Killarney. No, but I'm just wondering, I'm just wondering what's the make of the stag. And I think fur, I think it's a very straight stag. Okay. You know? Do you have to do an activity? I actually detest stag activities. Yeah. So I don't want to do... Do you have any suggestions? Could you just meet up and have a drink? Isn't that really what they want?

12:27Denis:It is what they want And these people Who bring Who bring them going Paintballing Yeah And all this stuff Which is an absolute rip off Go karting Sit them in a pub Go karting And then you know what happens In go karting Yeah Is the heavier lads Get the better engines And they win everything Yeah But do you have any Like what I think you go to a pub You organise a bit of chicken and chips Because they won't feed themselves No they won't And they will refuse To go to a restaurant Or they won't sit down for dinner No No Chicken and chips And A load of pints What do you want? Small catch He's invited 50 of his closest friends Yeah Making accommodation And everything else completely You say we're going to the pub See you there Where are they going to stay?

13:09Stay wherever they want Don't be booking rooms No you don't have to organise it They're all grown-ups They know how to get to a town And find somewhere to stay But the thing is You book the accommodation You have to No Why do you do that? And then they pull out And then you have 50 rooms £3 ,000 pounds my hotel last night was 200 pounds oh no god 150 it was too much no don't be doing that have you ever gone on a stag yeah my brother so it was different and my dad was there and it was like it was nice like i haven't been on a a normal i always find that a little strange when

13:46Denis:you know there's like someone's dad or uncle or there was a few you know like there's a yeah there's a few of them knocking around right yeah and then I think usually what they do is they kind of knock off at like 11pm I don't know they're all friends yeah they all blended into being friends have you been on those one where there's like those like lunatics yeah and then they start interacting and it's like becomes very hard to watch after a while you know no I don't think I'll ever in my life go to another stag I think that was the only one that I would be obliged to go to if where did you go Hurricane Shannon Oh lovely Which is like Las Vegas It is It's the Vegas West of Ireland Of stags and hens And a lot of carry on Between Between groups Because there'd be a Cluck Cluck Cluck Of hens What are they called?

14:42Clutch of hens Scuttling around And then there's all the lads And then they start overlapping And laughing Riding Riding? the different groups like you have a gang of drunk women and a gang of drunk men and would the hen be riding no no but one of the bridesmaids or whatever like someone who's single be a bit of crossover there's a lot of relationships formed on straggs and hens from other groups are there? then you end up with someone from a different part of the country it's a whole thing

15:14Denis:I wouldn't like that I don't think that's a great way to start it off do you know? from the other side of the country just in that kind of do you know some people do right this is actually it's been kind of suggested to me a hen and a stag a sten yeah put the whole thing together that's just the wedding just skip ahead I wouldn't do that at all yeah like as in if you had if you had both groups from either side right I think that like could be a messy messy bit of business going on there between two people who might not should be doing that or whatever and then should the wedding ruin then? I would just have a nice wedding.

15:59Denis:No stag? No hen stag? No? You know, I don't know. What? I just, it's a lot of time. All these things I'm thinking I could be working. Like, all the time when I'm invited to things like that I'm like, this is not my free time. But it's just going out like everyone else. everyone pays for your night out right? I know but I could be singing a song somewhere. You just want to be working on a Friday night on a Saturday I know. What have you been at? I've been all over the place. I'm very upside down. I'm very oh I actually have a question for you. We're all over the place on this episode. Because I have this new job and I'm kind of like watching my language again and I'm kind of like using phrases.

16:44I have to turn off this phone. Sizzling. Sorry there are gays bouncing. Do you know why? because I posted a picture with no blouse. Have you not learned your lesson on this? And they're only starting to notice it now.

16:54Denis:I'll tell you where you get a great blouse. Huh? The booty capital of ours. In tennis. Yeah, I'm all upside down but I have all these little phrases that I keep kind of not saying and like, you know, kind of describing being busy. Like all the phrases for saying that you're busy. I'm up the walls. And I just want to say them. Like what? She's all go. Yeah, she's up the walls. She's all business. I keep saying things like this in work and they're like what who's all go what are you talking about what business I quite like the third person I think it's great yeah and I say it about the person I'm talking to oh I'm like oh you're busy she's all go to the person's face she's like oh they don't get it she's all business she's all action they don't get it there's a few people I'm like I should I'm not going to talk to you anymore because everything I say is met with like what are you on about I think it's good though to kind of like get them used to it get them used to it yeah and then I think you form the best friends out of that she's up the walls and then you hear them saying it that's my favourite thing in the world what's another one um or she's she's kind of like here she comes here she comes that's another one here she comes she's on the move yeah my mother says there's a woman near us she's always she's always going and she says like she'd meet herself on the road go on isn't that so funny like she's non-stop she's so fast that she's ahead of herself.

18:18And you know like in Mario Kart when you see the ghost of yourself?

18:21Denis:Yeah. She's in and out the road so quick she meets herself on the road. Isn't that very funny? Do you ever have the person that is deemed in the town as the person that goes for the walk 60 times a day? Oh yeah. Oh she'd meet herself on the road going. Yeah. In and out the road. And yeah what else? Busy. She's on the move. She's all sixes and sevens. That comes up a bit. I don't know what it means. You know, I met these people the other day, but I was a little further down from London. So like when you're in London, I'm like, I'm ready to not say hello to people. Then as you get further out, I forget that I'm not in London anymore.

18:56Denis:So you can start saying hello to people. It's really funny what the Irish stuff like is. Met this lovely couple. They had a dog. Dog comes over, start rubbing the dog. Say, hey, how are you? And the wife goes, oh, I love your accent. Love your accent. I can listen to your accent all day. Okay. Leave it there now. You've said it. And then she did it. Just, no. leave it I was like please don't say anything else she goes I was at a wedding in Northern Ireland and I was like great and I was like yeah you know great accents up there right you know a bit wild and ha ha and she goes I was at a wedding up in Northern Ireland and I was having a few drinks and then I started doing the accent yeah and I was like oh great yeah and she goes I love doing the accent and I was going and then I said to her do you know what accent I love doing she was like I was like I love doing that Chinese accent oh yeah love doing that you launched into it imagine if you did Do a bit of it now Imagine if you did It's my favourite one Imagine if you started Saying it like Why is the Irish one Like Just total licence And they go high Like They go I just get people Talking at me like Nadine from Girls Aloud Just saying it right to you Yeah Like it's a completely Different place What do you It's what they want to hear I don't know Have you had anyone At work now Try the accent No no They're nice people They're just often Looking at me like What you're talking about and I'm often saying something that's unnecessary because I'm I'm just shit talking I'm like right I'll just not say it yeah okay actually do you know what I said this to it's that it's that thing right we have I think we fill in so much we never stop we fill in loads it's not even filling in silence it's like putting bows on stuff on words and whatever because it's fun right like I think that's where it just comes from but it is a bit sing-songy and stuff Christ I nearly ended I nearly ended a friendship the other day by accident forgot I was speaking to an English person because they have a little bit of a more country accent and we're sitting on the table and they were telling me a story about how their grandmother was in, there was someone else in the room as well how their grandmother was in a relationship and it was mostly a friendship but a very romantic friendship but no kissing pause and I said only handjobs.

21:07Denis:Yeah that is funny Come on like you have to say that That's very funny. Totally forgot who I was saying it to. Yeah. And then the person goes like, no, no, no, no, like, no. And I was like, I'm deeply, deeply. Someone else would be like, oh, they're just. I'm deeply sorry for saying that. I know. And then I mentioned it to my friend and he goes, he was laughing and he said, sure, what's wrong with that? And I was like, our heads are rotten. That's what's wrong with it. Like, this is not a normal thing to say. That's very funny. It is funny. I'd laugh. Yeah. He did laugh. yeah I'd say what would I what would I say back I don't know I'd say before the arthritis or something you'd just go along with it you'd build on top yeah all those jokes I met with like what's that that's not true or what's that who's going 90 it's like no that's not true it's like no it's a it's a what killed me when I was living in a necessary joke what killed me when I was living in America as well is like it was so literal yeah you had to be so literal all the time and it's like no no I'm just talking shit she's not meeting herself on the road it's impossible for it's just something to say I just want to talk will we take a break we will come on

22:20Denis:we've had a critique oh for you know sometimes I can tell the breaths on you that it's going to I'm nervous to tell you what it is I'm nervous to tell you the setting the critique was launched at me in and I'm very curious if the person who gave the critique is listening. I assume that when you're saying you're nervous and all this, that you're sitting up there going, the critique is not anything to do with you. Oh, no. No, it's aimed directly at me, right? Yeah. Okay, okay. I also have received some feedback as well. Okay. Which I think just goes with... Would you like to hear the critique or the setting?

23:03I think I'll tell you the critique first. No, no.

23:05Denis:Could I get the setting first? Just because I think if this is like on a microphone in... No, no. I think I need to tell you the critique first. Okay. And then it'll be even more hilarious the way that it came. So I met a gay, completely uninvited, started telling me that I am being taken advantage of.

23:30By me? By the straight one.

23:34Denis:Also, can we just get this over, right? Sorry. because I want to have some feedback back for the people who are watching this. My name is Dennis. No. All right. I am not the straight one. The other one. I'm not the straight one. Right. You wouldn't be calling me the gay one. They do. Right. I am the Dennis one. Okay. And he said, I'm there telling everything about my life. And he says nothing. And he said, why is he making you tell all your stories and dirty secrets? And he's given us nothing. Now, what do you say to that? I have absolutely, I thought it was going to be way worse. To be honest, I thought it was going to be so much worse.

24:14Denis:Taken advantage of. I thought, you love being taken advantage of, right? First of all, this man, or person, this person. Gay man. Gay man, right? Underline gay man. He only digests this podcast through clips, right? Probably, yeah. Yeah, he doesn't actually listen to the podcast, right? Because I tell loads of stories on this podcast. I do put a lot of we do put a lot of filth on the clips because they're funny Could we go through the highlights? Piss Piss was a big one urinal I actually want to bring up something later on in relation to that Yeah We've got the piss one Big Dongs Big Dongs Sauna Yeah There's loads of them There is a theme to be fair And I think that he's engaging with the clips and I love that he's coming to your rescue though I love that he I love Launch that me i think this happens actually quite a bit yeah i'm the innocent one right mark is the evil one like i don't understand why this isn't coming across i got i got some um oh actually tell me sorry just remember to tell me where you have the setting i also received um some more feedback uh it was a comment right and it made me cry laughing right and this person definitely doesn't listen to podcasts just uh watches the clips right i could not stop laughing this person got in such a state um and it was in reference to the urinal um clip that's up there oh uh the urinal person who sits down and acts as a urinal for the night in a german club right great this person said in a comment basically something along something along the lines of actually you know what sorry i i have to get it i have to get it word for word because it's it's i'll never be able to call it back as funny as it was made um and this person is dead serious um which again i think just kind of tells us that this this podcast is getting bigger and bigger and now these people are coming in weighing in this person won't name them you can go find it um it's actually under it's under the clip the massage device oh yeah right and i say in that that like people are using those massage guns for things you know other than the massages right yeah this is his comment why does the straight one again the straight one is this the same person no why does the straight one always play semi-naive oh he knows full fucking well