#36 Talking about Our Feelings

0:05Welcome to this week's episode of Your Internet Boyfriends. This is a special episode. We are in Shorty's Barbershop in Hackney in East London and we're here because tomorrow is World Mental Health Day. So we're going to be talking about feelings. So many haircuts that I've got where I've gone, whoa, go and I have to get used to that. Would you tell them what you want or would you just... I'd tell them what I want but they'd never listen to me. You know what I mean? Like they would say, I would say, oh can you leave it long on top? They'd just never leave it long on top and then they'd go, do you want this much off?

0:38And I'm like, is that long? Does that mean it'll stay long? Yeah. I don't know. And then they absolutely raise their head off me. And you just walk out the door. Walk out the door, tears in your eyes. And then you go to the next place and they go, who cut your hair? Oh, yeah. And you're going, oh, Christ almighty, what's wrong with my hair? I know. Well, that's to make you feel like they're better. Do you think it's a trick? Of course. That's to make you think, oh, don't. It's a ploy. Yeah, don't go back there. Come to me. I know the best. Crap. Obnoxious. I fell for it. yeah I'm the best come to me actually there's another place I used to get my hair cut in um in like kind of central London but not like hip and cool or anything it was just in like a little almost a hut and um I was getting a cut in there and the guy would constantly complain about his job why are you cutting my hair and I'm going like oh I really wish you were in better form cutting my hair yeah you know he's like oh I fucking hate cutting hair and I'm like no do something else please like cut my hair you know do something else I'm sometimes I'm very scared when i'm in you know when you're in the changing room the dressing room or like a bus security camera yeah and you're you're thinking god i'm gonna see all angles in my head here yeah and i'm like i really hope it's all holding itself together up there because i i look i can say right you might be all right me as a bald man shocking do you think shocking i'd have to work in a in a vegetable shop in some town in cork you'd have to get something else maybe something like a piece fun glasses the pieces so I met a man last week with a piece I had no idea yeah and he's had a piece for a good few years because I don't see him very often so I hadn't realised that I just thought he grew his hair has he always been with peace since you knew him no no I knew him long ago oh and I just wasn't paying attention like and and yeah very youthful very good and he has like a very like specific colour of hair and it's a perfect match I was thrilled like were you meeting up for coffee or was it would the piece be put to the test in your oh do you know what I mean so I assume you've answered that the piece was put to the test it stays on oh yeah yeah yeah yeah but what if you went for because I remember back in the early days yeah but you didn't know right yeah no I knew before the test How did you know?

3:03Because it had come up. Back in the early days of podcasts, you revealed that you grow a little bit more at the back of the hair. Yeah, yeah. Right, for a little bit of traction, whatever. Yeah. But if you didn't know, you'd have to declare it, I think. I'm not just taking the piss. I mean, you'd have to kind of... Mind my peace. Yeah. Yeah. You'd say, watch it. You could take... I think they're fairly sturdy. They're fairly secure. Not to be very secure. Yeah. Do they come as a hairstyle or do you get them styled? They come really long and then you cut them into your own hair. Okay. Whatever style you want.

3:37I shaved my head a few years ago. I thought I was finished. And it was fine. And then Derek taught me about the tablets. Make your hair grow back and I got them. And Revelation. Except that little bit, right? Yeah, we have to just say as well that we're not giving up medical advice on this podcast at all about picking up these tablets. Try it though. Yeah, everyone's on those as well. They're very, very popular. So yeah, two pieces when we get a bit older. I don't know. Maybe you get to that point as well where I think, I kind of get there more and more, I think, where you just don't care. You know?

4:15I've definitely had to care more, I think, since I got in a relationship. I know it sounds terrible. It's not as if I wasn't taking care of myself. Yeah. But there's definitely more of a motivation there. When you're like a guy looking for a heterosexual relationship, you kind of have to make the decision that you're going after, and it can take a while, right? Yeah. From what I'm hearing, you'd want to be ready on your side of things, right? Will I tell you about my affair? Yeah, I do. When you say affair, what do you mean? It could mean anything. It could be a flirt. It could be 10 hours of riding.

4:5310 hours? It could be anything in between. There'll be no piece left after 10 numbers. The piece went flying. People thought I got a piece. People thought that this was a wig. This could be a complete ruse. How do we know it's not a wig? And like, I didn't do anything to argue. I was like, well, maybe. What if it is? Like, that's normal now. Yeah. Yeah, there was a lot of questions because my hair grew back quite quickly. But wait, did you have... We'll go back onto your affair in a minute. Did you go bald? It was pretty bad, yeah. It was... Bald patches? Thin, just thin. Oh, okay. Then I shaved it and it was worse because it was like gone, gone.

5:31Yeah, and then people thought I got a piece. I had an affair. I was in Soho doing my LGBTQIA plus walking tour Saturday. And then after the tour, I like to go for a mince. I like to go for a little mince around. A mince? Just up and down Soho. Parade. Just see who's around. to make the most of being there. And I got a text from an LGBT and he said that he had seen me on the street and he said I look nice. Wait, you don't know this person? I vaguely know. We text a tiny bit a few months ago. I haven't met, don't know each other. And I was like, thanks very much. and then I was like I'm still around the corner like do you want to say hello and usually that's when people say they go silent or they get nervous or something and they yeah so he said yeah and so we met at the corner of Prowler like the sex shop it was very magical in Soho and we had a little just a little chat like a little flirty little chat and it was very exciting and then he doesn't live in London he was talking like about his day and he's heading back to wherever and I was making up reasons of where I had to be I didn't really have to be anywhere but you know the way you're like this is we're gonna play cool here so we said goodbye and then I was like do you know what I could picture the next stage of this of texting for three years about let me know when you're back let's go for coffee I could feel that nonsense starting.

7:19So I was like, I'm actually free. So back to the corner. What time passed in between? Oh, three minutes. It was very exciting. And I was like, do you want to just go for a little date? And we went for coffee and it was lovely. A little flirt. And? No, that's all I'll say. That's it? That's all. Went away home then? Yeah. Isn't that very exciting? That's very exciting, yeah. Like a little movie. You seem a little bit more... you've mentioned stuff before but this seems more rom-com-y this seems more like very like it seems like it's got you a little bit notting hill like bumping it i don't know it was very funny the way the way it happened and how we never jump at those opportunities we always panic run away the amount of people i meet and they say hello and they're gone they're running i'm like slow down like talk yeah so you're saying like just take a minute you know fuck each other just have a fuck do you know don't have an american on baggy sure you know i think that's nice but i'm just sick to death of messaging people like if you meet in person just talk i always say when i see someone like texting someone or if they're on especially on the apps is like just set up a date don't chat just say eight o 'clock next wednesday drink blah blah Or now.

8:40The most people I'd be texting and they're half a mile away and you're two hours messaging. We could have been hanging out. So are you going on a second date? Well, I'm not sure who's gone now. Oh, he's gone now. That's it. Great, brilliant. I had a little bit of a thing this weekend. An affair? No, not an affair. I just had a little bit of excitement in my own relationship. I made a shake on Sunday. I like to have shakes. I made a shake and she was in getting ready because we were going to attend a little kind of soiree and I said hey do you want a shake she was like inside or whatever so I was like okay cool coming in soon honey right and I made her a shake and I included walnuts in it there's about 4 or 5 walnuts at the end of a packet yeah she's allergic no she storms in did you use the walnuts oh and she goes I love this she said I knew when I saw the packet and then she swooshed back out into the room.

9:41What's wrong? Oh, walnuts are too expensive. I shouldn't have used them in the shake. Oh. So that's what my weekend was like, Mark. And then we had to march down to Lidl and pick up another packet of walnuts, which were£1.30 or something. And then went up to the till, right? Went up to the till. Honestly, I'm not the better of it after the weekend. Went up to the till. I was scanning in the things and it kept going wrong. And a person was coming over. They couldn't fix it, blah, blah, blah. I look down Herself's got her arse Against the fucking Scanning thing Sitting on the thing Sitting on the thing And I said Your arse is On the scanner And she said No it's not Then looked down At her own arse And goes Oh wait it is So what I'm saying is Like take those moments And cherish them So you're saying If you bumped into A fella in Soho I think about it Yeah probably Go off on a little taste Probably think about it And then I had Another affair Oh for god's sake When last night I had a little do you know what actually right no sorry no I just have to get this out I was thinking about this the other day how do you get the time for all this I have a huge amount of things I should have done I have a list of work I should be doing oh right you should be getting that done but you're just off yeah swanning around the place yeah we find the time but even in terms of like your energy or whatever Shumwrex I'm fucking exhausted all the time there's some days there right this is a little bit graphic but you know like i'm there and i'm going god i'll have a wank and then i'm like definitely shouldn't do this do it whole day ruined right because i'm like great that was that was fantastic for the 30 seconds and i'm wrecked yeah i couldn't imagine going out at nine o 'clock at night after a day's work meeting up with some lad having the small chitchat i think that would murder me yeah riding yeah and i assume like i don't know from the way it's being painted as well like it's not you know like rubbing each other's cheek and stuff.

11:39It's well in there, right? Often the small, the chit-chat is often after. Can I just, can we just get a few topics, kind of clear them out? What are your go-to topics afterwards that drive you insane? Like, how long have you lived here? Classic. How long have you lived in this flat? How long have you lived in London? Do you go home to Ireland often? something then about some confusion about Northern Ireland and Ireland are you from the north or south? grandmother who's something like that and that's it it usually comes back to the flat the rent, how much is the rent I'm like sorry I was just inside why are we talking about such a mundane, it's all about the rent and the flat and how long have you lived there and where did you live before but what do you what do you want to happen i don't know god something a bit more like meaningful yeah talk about the dutch masters or something feel i don't know it's always about the rent a lot of people jump up they snap out of it and they're like fuck i think the jump up is a bit scary i think i think people should relax a little bit i know so somebody wants and like me saying i don't think i'm judging but i do think look if you're if you're riding each other just stay there for a little bit i know people think you want them to go i think as well yeah so to kind of like reassure people like it's fine relax but sometimes they maybe i give the i don't know sometimes they get a big bold fix and you end up arms folded oh no um yeah people jump up relax stay down um but the way you kind of let yourself go then i was hanging out with um friend last night and we've known each other for a long time yeah and i've started to drop the he might be listening now so this is funny but i've started to drop the perfect version of me and i'm like i'm letting slip yeah my issues because we got a takeaway and it was late and you started fucking bullying i just couldn't i was so tired as well i was like oh my god i'm being a demon because the thing kept going wrong and he kept saying he was like two minutes away and then he was five minutes away and then our address is a bit weird they always get lost and i was just fuming and i couldn't i couldn't keep going with the nice romantic bullshit i was i was very worked up i don't mind at all i know i was so angry and then and then And, you know, when someone is like, it's fine, like, don't worry.

14:20I'm like, what's the thing? Calm down. Relax. God. Which brings us on to World Mental Health Day. It's coming up. It's coming up. Well, just very, do you know when you're like, why am I so angry about this stupid little thing? It's probably not the takeaway. That's what I'd say to you. It's not the takeaway. Do you remember your first barber? I remember there was a barber's at the end of town. now my mother as well used to bring me to a lot of hairdressers women women okay yeah women all the time right so he used to bring me there i wouldn't go to too many barbers because my dad for some reason was mentally incapable of bringing me to a barber i don't know why maybe that's too maybe that's too much right you're sharing too much with your son or something um you can't see me getting de-haired but i used to go to a lot of hairdressers but i remember we went to actually you don't know what i think i think it was a hairdresser's went to a hairdresser's at the bottom of town and the hairdresser said you can get any haircut you want oh and i was very excited by that right but i didn't really understand how that actually worked did you have much hair to work with i didn't have a lot of hair to work with yeah this was kind of problem i had a bit of hair though a bit of hair like my hair grows quite quickly too so i was like a bit of hair and i got to look through a book oh of like which haircut do you want of american children uh no american men oh what did you i was five six braids like it was afro dreadlocks right but i was i was looking through it and i was like oh my god and i saw something that was quite like elvis like okay you know very cool kind of swish back no less um i suppose kind of like uh kind of greaser you know one of those like 50 60s style or something like that and it was kind of swished back beautiful hair like kind of cream going through it and i was like this is the one i want gonna get me the chicks he's gonna get me the chicks and i said it to her and i went up and i said here i want to get this one yeah and she was like no and i was like what too sexy it's four back and sides and a trim on top oh why would you do that to a five-year-old what's the point did the whole thing i have no idea pricks yeah absolute bastards i kept going to strange little hairdressers like i would go to my mother's friend who had a hairdresser in a house somewhere and i would go there after school except that you know the woman doesn't really cut hair yeah and then i would go in there and get the worst haircut ever do you know mark you've just reminded me of something i have a school photo at home up on the wall and my fringe is absolutely decimated in it because my brother got a tape from Argos how to cut your family's hair.

17:08And for some reason, he decided that he was now going to be our barber. And I was going to be the only customer. Have you used sticky-uppy hair? I've got kind of like two crowns at the back. So I'm very colicky. Extremely colicky. I actually learned a term in shorties the last time I was here. Yeah. Homosexual. Yeah, faggot. Faggot?

17:36I was very iconic. I had a bowl. You did what? I had a bowl cut. I had a... Mark, I don't think you're the first person to have a bowl cut. No, no, but it was... Like, I kept it for years. It was... It was because I was the boy that plays the organ. And they called it the page boy hairstyle for some reason. Do you know what that is? Like, page boy... So you were the kid who played the organ with a bowl cut. eyeliner. Well. And red hair. No, that was all later. This was very lovely because my hair is super straight and it was a perfect bowl. A page boy, for international listeners, is in a wedding.

18:17There's the best man, the bridesmaids, and then they have the mini young versions. There's like a flower girl and a page boy and they called it something else here, I think. I don't think they used the word page boy. Well, like ring bearer or something. Something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. that's me and i had this when i was like five or six and or maybe seven um but it was a lot of upkeep because it has to be cut like very specific like it was really straight and rigid looks like like a japanese dancer or something oh my god what age are you really strike maybe seven seven were you going around with the same i got it till i was about 11 or 12 maybe 11 and then before i went to secondary school i was like i need to grow up so were you heavily influenced by like leonardo dicaprio i don't know where it came from yeah i don't know i don't know who decided to do it the first day um but i kind of got stuck with it for years and i used to go to this shop and it was like a comedy there was an old man he i can't remember his bloody name but he was one of these characters and he'd be like he'd be dancing around like he'd have irish music and he wouldn't be cutting hair at all.

19:32He'd be like dancing with the brush and telling our yarns and stories. And I was like, this is hilarious. And then there was a woman who worked there as well. I can't remember. I think her name was Anne, maybe. But she was all blonde, like up high blonde hair, all makeup. She was very glamorous. And she always smelled really nice. She loves perfume. And she cut my hair because he didn't know how to do it. He didn't know how to do the bowl? No, I had to go to her. and it became this thing of like, I can't go to anyone else. You're seven. Fucking hell. But she was very nice. You know those women that are over the top, so much perfume and jewels and jangles everywhere.

20:10She was like drag. And she put me on my little booster because I was too small, like on the booster seat. Did you have that? No, I never had the booster. The little block on the chair to bring you up to the normal height. I don't think I had that. And she'd spin me around and do the chopper. I was inside someone's kitchen probably. Yeah. No, it was a whole thing. but my mother would bring me or sometimes dad and then there was a while then where because you never booked like you just walked in no I just walked in but life was so much easier wasn't it maybe hours maybe sometimes waiting I used to go to town with my mother for the whole day the whole day like just walking around what the hell were we doing I have no idea all day long and then you come home like I'm in town all day yeah I couldn't get out of it there's no need no 7 o 'clock but your man spent so much time dancing and singing around the kitchen and like maybe an american will come in and he'd tell a big story about some old lies all lies so the cues were forever so my mother she used to leave me in the shop sometimes and she'd go off and do the shopping do you know the panic of that when you're like i don't know you're so awkward and you're you're you're well you i know exactly the panic because i was the same kind of kid you're thinking what if i get called now before she comes back what if something what if they close yeah what if he goes to lunch what if i don't have the money to pay him and he wants the money and you're just an anxious mess she probably came back and paid i don't know or did i have the money yeah very scared do you know there was um there was an article out before there was a woman who was a hairdresser she went to the doctor with pains in her chest and they couldn't figure out what it was and she was in agony and it was driving her insane but what was after happening was was that her boobs were pressing up against customers when she was doing the hair and when the hair would fall off the little hairs were going through her clothes into her skin yeah yeah yeah and irritating the crap out of her yeah yeah yeah and then uh like over time it like started driving mad yeah you get like you get like splinters of hair they're sharp yeah oh so i didn't make it up no no i don't know if it if it has to be the boobs i don't think it has to be that bit was neat this when did you come here first derrick cut my hair first and i mentioned this in the podcast but it was the question he asked when he said like what bothers you the most about your hair oh yeah and i was like i'm in i'm in i'm this is where i'm getting my hair cut forever now yeah have you been back now and anywhere else no never i haven't i haven't cheated i had to cheat on them a few months ago the wrong time to say it i did have to cheat because i don't know what happened i think i had something unexpected like an event and you thought you could swan in here i'm honest i'm transparent yeah um so i did go somewhere else there was something missing it was okay i think it's okay to have a backup yeah i mean i wouldn't i'm loyal but the vibes the vibes are special so up here i I was talking to Maya.

23:08I said, oh, like, what do you bring that someone else doesn't bring? Yeah. And she was saying, it's not about the hair for her. It's about making the person comfortable in the seat. Yeah. And I was just like, oh, my God. She's a therapist. I felt like I had gone through a therapy session. I said to her when I was leaving, I was like, that was much more than a haircut. Take£100. It really was. I was, like, floating down the street after her. She's lovely. yeah she's she's finished training and she's just waiting for her license or something and then she'll be opening a practice soon oh really um they're very similar things they hear stuff that is crazy like even when i was talking to craig getting my hair cut like he was telling me that people will reveal things that i'm not going to say no but like and he wasn't he wasn't revealing things to me but i do find myself sometimes even when i remember i was talking to derek first and like we're talking about Ireland and stuff.

24:06Yeah. I was coming out with opinions I don't even believe. Do you know what I mean? I was just getting kind of carried away because I was like it's so freeing to just talk. Yeah. As well it's fair to say that like there was a big push for mental health and talk about mental health and stuff and then it just became a bit cringe. It's like a Yorkie advert from before or something you know. Talk to your mate. You know that kind of stuff. And it just became a little cringe. I think even strangely enough now even the phrase mental health can be derided right it definitely can like it can be like people take the piss you know you don't spin the chair around and go like hey mark you know i hear you're having a hard time at school how are you feeling when you were growing up how depressed were you there's a few compounding things here right we're irish yeah um and we're men so we don't really talk but when you were growing up in ireland in ns you're also in the country i was probably in the country as but when you were growing up who were you talking to um so we had to be honest i had a lovely group of friends uh mixture of boys and girls like secondary school times and we were very emotional like we were very dramatic and everyone had problems we were all depressed and like real like serious like really some of us was bad and loads of shit happened when we were younger and we had like to get very serious for a minute like lots of people passed away in our school which I I know happens a lot but we had a run of it in our school for a while it just became kind of like this over hanging cloud over everything for a couple of years but I don't remember any like actual professional help like we were all traumatized loads of awful things happened in our school for a couple of years and there was like maybe a counselor or something there for a few days after something would have happened but i don't think i ever even went to see someone because then do you know when something like that happens and if it's not like your best friend yeah but it's someone maybe in the year ahead of you they're not directly connected to so you kind of feel like oh i don't really have the right to be it's so much more confusing though is it bothered yeah especially when you're that age because there was a guy who who died in my school and i would it was in my year and i wouldn't have been close to him so then it's kind of your almost feel like you shouldn't yeah when you're that age and you're kind of involved in different groups and stuff you're like oh if i'm seen to do this it'll be like i'm being selfish or you know you know what i mean it's so weird yeah but like that now that I think about it like that was a huge thing to happen but I don't think anything happened in the school I think in a strange way the ceremony of funerals and stuff, that helped to kind of process and mark and do all that kind of stuff, you know what I mean but other than that then it was just back at it back at it, there was maybe an assembly where everyone would kind of sit around crying and then there'd be, like it was so not really helping for the people who now for the people like really close to whatever had happened um there was always like lots of help for them and people got weeks off school and everything but everyone else it was very um strange how things were dealt with that you finally just get back to normal but that's that's an irish thing as well though driving on like i was thinking about when i was coming in on the tube i think one of the things that really affected us as well was priests yeah right so you had at a certain point in school was like you go to confession right yeah so you'd have to tell him your sins basically everything that you're worried about is a sin yeah yeah right that's the way it's kind of marketed to you like like that's the way you're now processing it so it's like oh something bad happened or i did something bad that is a sin that's guilt and it was the first time i think i actually kind of put those two things together where you would have to come in and like you know a fucking bow to some priest and go like oh my god i've been so terrible like please forgive me get god to forgive me yeah to just some guy some but yeah some lad in a suit some guy who doesn't you know what i mean and then the funerals when when there is something like that in school and you have this guy kind of it all comes down to his perspective on us yeah like you never met them or if you did like you weren't aware of like the bigger story and something it's oh shocking even if some people just said like this is really sad but there was there was this strangeness of just driving on all the time like even with my parents and stuff i didn't i definitely didn't talk to them about it i couldn't talk to them about it like we have to talk about stuff with your parents yeah but you wouldn't because you're a teenager but even when you're younger like when you're like smaller yeah they they were very good they'd always ask but like you're you're a moody like we were all like we were there was some awful depressive periods in my little group of friends.

29:14I'd say nowadays, though, there would be more... Things would be caught in school and they'd be sent off for some therapy or something. That didn't really happen. These kids are going around listening to very dark music and they're very miserable. It didn't really get picked up. I don't know. Tiny school didn't have resources. yeah but at the same time i think it's easy enough to talk yeah it is easy to talk like 100 is so like about six months ago maybe i was just for all sorts of reasons just stressed out of my mind and i'm not just saying it like but there were some people there that i spoke to and talked to and it was literally just getting rid of that bad narrator in my mind that was reinforcing all the negative stuff and some of the stuff was legitimately like negative and crap but at least you could get someone else to kind of like interfere with these negative thoughts in your head that are just constantly bounding around but i was just i was googling stuff the other night and i was trying to find something uh related to me online and i actually saw a video of myself on stage in the blackout which is um it's a gong competition in in london which basically means you go up and if the audience don't like you they're going you off i looked at it i did five minutes got through i can't remember any of it i cannot remember being on stage i can't remember getting through that i can't remember the set i can't remember any of it and that was shocking it was one of these moments where i was i was it like completely uprooted me i was sitting there my roommate and i actually got a fright right because i was like i was like oh crap this is a mistake this is not me or this is a video of someone else or whatever i couldn't remember it yeah because of what i was going through at the time had completely fried me just numb just completely numb just going through the motions like yeah and i think sometimes for me anyway i don't know how far i am in the hole mentally until i start coming out of it what i definitely to do is is i can operate fairly high functioning and be completely depressed yeah do you know what i mean so like you won't really i'll still get everything done and that's not me like boasting like i like don't get me wrong at all when i'm saying that it's a it's a bad thing i like i could if i was absolutely annihilated i could but if i had something on and i had to do it i would do it do you know what i mean the fact that i was driving on at that point and just like not even alive.

31:53Like, just pieces just deleted out of my fucking head. Rolling on. Yeah, and it was, it definitely, like, again, reinforced that thing of, like, oh, my God, I was not all right. I needed to talk more. And then this job, like, it's, like, getting on stage. Someone said this to me before. They were like, you write material, right? You're in a certain mood. and then you have to go up and perform in that mood no matter what's after happening you during the day yeah and i actually stopped doing that because it was breaking me so i'm like i'm like having the worst day of all time and then what i'm going to step up on stage and go hey everybody blah blah blah i couldn't do it yeah how's this oh my goodness

32:43we'll have to be well actually i just remind us to explain what i just explained immediately No, well, yeah, but I don't want to. There is a person standing outside the barbershop and the shutter is down so we can just see the lower half and they are extremely blessed. Can you get a video? Extremely blessed in the lower half and really, really something to show. Wow, I think they're really enjoying their day. Jesus Christ. My God. okay yeah we'll take a break we'll take a break

33:26and i was doing like 20 30 000 steps you could look at my steps on my phone and see when i'm having bad days because i'll just go like keep on walking but i went and i was like okay you know what it's time to just get some one-on-one therapy it's really good i've got it before it really helps so i did like some online therapy with um my mind oh yeah who are like a um as far as i still know a very good service right for anyone who needs to do it um but they hook you up with a therapist and you kind of look at what they do and whatever but i was basically like anyone who's available i don't care what you do right just talk to me for an hour get this guy um and you know look this guy's doing a very good service but he was a bit crap maybe he was young in the game and kind of a bit nervous or something.

34:14I was so anxious and out of my mind at that stage that I was like, I have no room for this, right? So then I kind of started worrying about him and how he was getting on. And then I said to him, look, I feel sometimes, even in this therapy session, that I'm kind of overthinking what's going on and then defeating the whole point of therapy and foiling myself. and his face changed and the look of horror on his face as he looks at me like something terrible has happened right and I look at him and I'm like what are you like what's going on and he goes I'm sorry did you just say you're soiling yourself right which made me which and the poor guy was so serious right which made me like a boat to start breaking down laughing uh but I wanted to hold it together because i was so worried because he was going so badly for this guy in the therapy session and i was like no no that's not what i was saying and then i spent the rest of the therapy session focusing on not dying laughing and it worked and not shitting yourself it helped me so much i went years ago and i kind of was expecting answers and for them to say oh yeah this is what's wrong and do this now you'll be fine but they kind of just sit there and they make you talk and then they say, okay, see you next week.

35:35And it takes ages. If you just keep talking, you'll eventually come out of talking around the things that you've been saying to yourself for months. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you start to, like, say things that are actually genuine. And we're talking a lot. Like, the amount of people we meet ask, how's it going, what are you doing? Like, you have your little prepared speech of, like, I'm busy, it's great, oh, I'm stressed. and you kind of go around and talk yourself around to say it's all fine. It was strange. It's like this is going really well, right? And it's brilliant and the people you talk to are so enthusiastic about it and stuff.

36:10Yeah. But at the same time, even in those tiny little situations where all you have to say is, yeah, it's going great and I'm so happy that people are listening to it, you almost catch yourself and go, oh, did that come across right? Do I sound like an asshole? Should I soften as a bit? Yeah, should I say it's not going well? We don't know what we're doing. You know, we're big Egypts. I keep saying, this new job that I got, I keep telling people, I keep saying, oh, it's great, sure, I don't know what I'm doing. But you messaged me that, and have you seen my messages that go back to you, where I'm saying, I'm proud of you, Mark, I think you're doing great, like blah, blah, because...

36:44But that's an Irish thing as well, though. Yeah. And money, and money, you know, dusting around. Yeah, it's to keep the head down and, like, you know, God forbid you'd, like, actually be good at anything. I know, not meant to be, you're supposed to talk everything down. and but the same with feeling bad you're supposed to kind of say oh sure it's great I'd meet people at home the things that they're dealing with like awful things like looking after people who are sick or like I don't know really really tough situations and they're so wrapped up they're like grand it's grand it's all grand it's all grand like it's okay you can be but then I think in those situations it's like they slow down and think about it oh yeah and it's just disintegrate it's for people looking after kids looking after sick parents probably doing three jobs and in debt paying mortgages and not a word yeah and then I'm bitching about I have to do a podcast yeah I have to figure out what t-shirt to wear for the podcast but it's also you just don't know like that's that's I think the biggest thing you just don't know what's going on with people like you can't tell remember I was working in St.

37:51Vincent de Paul when I was back in Cork oh yeah and my mother used to work there and like what do you mean the the charity place like what like the you know saint vincent de paul i don't know what they actually do i know the so they do like they have like a secondhand shop right and you go in and you bring your stuff and you buy stuff whatever but then what they also do is they do like food banks oh and they source like let's say furniture for people and they source you know things that like cost a fortune that you can't actually get that would put people out like beds or cots or buggies you know stuff like that yeah so when they get things in like if they get buggies and prams in they don't immediately put it out on the shop floor like like a norm like other secondhand places they might say oh like you know mary's whatever up the road needs that or they have a young kid you know they're not doing too well we should give it to them whatever but on that we were in there one day and um you know it's like a like a million a million of my mams just in there going around clucking like hens and stuff like this lad comes in drives in an audi yeah um you know big business guy and he comes in and he goes up and he says i'm looking for a rocker one of those things for a kid yeah right and like this guy's wearing a nice suit like you said big car outside he goes i'm looking for a rocker and they said oh we're sorry we don't we don't have one and he just starts bawling crying of course the women surround him and they bring him into the back and they give him a cup of tea and whatever and they're like oh you know you know what's wrong or whatever and He's just like a guy riddled in debt, trying to keep up appearances, like can barely afford anything, was coming in there hoping to God he could get it for the kid.

39:27Maybe hiding stuff from family or the women inside there started like, don't you worry now, we'll get you a rocker. I swear to God, about 45 minutes. And they were sending the lad out with a rocker and a bag of stuff and driving off. The energy it took him now to go in and say that. And then, but once he asked for the help. Yeah. There's been great things at home where like people have had someone sick or something and everyone just kind of gathers around and they... Because you have to be very careful not to kind of belittle someone, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want to be making people feel like charity too much.

40:06No. There's a few families they've had just shit times. Yeah. Or like someone has passed away and there's one person looking after kids and stuff. And there might be like a collection or there'd be just a bit of like... you know if you're throwing away something you'd offer to it but in a way do it in a good way yeah like oh sure i don't want this you might want to keep people's pride as well i don't know why i've been so reluctant to i get ads for better help and all these online therapy things every day i don't know why i'm so slow to take them up i'd say they'd be very good because you feel like you quite a mess wanted oh god yeah yeah Shrema disaster but sometimes you'd love if someone would just notice it and do you know when someone just catches you and we're like you seem a bit manic now what's going on and people are a bit slow to like catch it sometimes but if you want to talk about me and you like if I felt like you were off yeah I kind of sometimes it would be like I don't want to add to his plate I know by making him focus on that hey Mark seems like you're having a crap day yeah so there then I don't really know I think I think for me it's like if it started for a friend like not just you but like if it started going like kind of off the rail like you know what I mean like if it was like oh this is like the last four times I've met him yeah he seemed off or whatever you know I don't know yeah but like would you appreciate if I said you do though I feel like you do you kind of pick up on things well i have to tell you as well like there was a few weeks ago and there was a shit show going on and i was like i'm gonna be low energy here today yeah because i've been in a mess and crying all day so because you have to because you're working um i don't know if that happens so much in normal work i don't know would you text your colleagues i'm like i'm feeling a bit shit to be honest i think that's the problem like so going back to one of those days like where and i think that's why we work really well together as well is because we're saying this is a weekly podcast we're doing like life is going to be all around it right so you can't come in here doing cartwheels if you're having a horrendous day and then we just tell the other person like this like i'm not having a great day um you know and then we kind of you know work through that or whatever but at work and i know this from working in offices and stuff you say nothing say nothing right unless it's unless it's like maybe um you know a death oh yeah or like you know an official divorce maybe or sometimes they just don't say anything and so then you're sitting at your desk and you feel like your chest is going to explode and you're just carrying on you're just pretending because the reports must be there at 4 p.m it it can't be accommodated in the system that we kind of live in right yeah i think you can take a sick day and call it something oh 100 take your mental health days take your sick days and take your holidays the companies right especially big companies they don't care about you right like i know it sounds terrible right but they don't you're a number if you don't if you're not fitting into their budget at some point you're gone so like you know don't be like if you can of course it's not everyone's choice but like you know take your holidays take the week off the the charge you get off it is it's unbelievable like yeah so i had an awful wobble when i was about 20 in college very bad don't know i just lost control of everything and was like at risk of like not finishing college like very bad and like oh my god the pressure that like imagine going to dublin spending a fortune and then not finishing um so with loads of things going on and loads of reasons why but i was a disaster for a couple of months um but i went and i i went to the student advisor and colleen the nicest woman she's about three foot tall american she's just what you want she's just well how are we gonna fix this she's just a big bubble of like hey let's go and she was so nice and imagine the thousands of people she has to listen to and try and gauge like are you actually in a dangerous position now or are you just a bit lazy and tired and like that's fine as well but like she's trying to get the responsibility of it like like what i say to you could lead to you being around or not like big job those those people um so she was great and then she sent me off and then there was another person who was like the head of the school or something and i i went to meet her actually met her again recently she's very very nice she came to a show oh and she gave me this little eye of like you know good job you're doing all right you're still here because you know it was very bad for a while very very bad um so they gave me a little hand and kind of they sent me to like the university therapy thing which was all rice but there was a bit of a sense of like when you're urgently in danger we're here but maybe if you're feeling all right we're going to wrap it up yeah yeah and that's not to blame them that's limited resources resources 20 000 students they could have people in there all day long every day which then in turn makes people not reach out to get the help and stuff as well what was the kind of difference that shifted your mind a little bit from being in a dangerous position to not just kind of getting a bit of perspective do you know like the absolute worst thing well the worst thing but beyond that would be like to fail and to drop out and like people do that all the time and they bring it around so when you kind of talk through like what would that be like and and it's not actually that awful.

46:16But then they were very good. Like, there's loads of help. And you could be up in arms, and, like, the final straw could be, you have an essay, you've done nothing, and that could tip you over the edge. Yeah. You just ask the professor or whoever is, like, it's actually not that important. No, and also, like, from kind of being on a couple of different sides of it now as well, like even you know working in different places and whatever they don't want anything to happen to you oh they need you no but you know what i you know you know what i mean it's like i know i know it's like they are there is actually a person on the other side and hopefully you know you reach out with something like that they will be like hopefully again because i had like fuck that exam you know what i mean architecture you're doing oh my god it's so you're very much against your peers as well like if you're doing a normal degree you're doing exams and essays you never see the other people's work yeah you submit your essay and it gets graded and you're done but in architecture or like art college or fashion or something you're constantly around your classmates and seeing what they're doing yeah there's almost who's really good at everything yeah and you come in with all your stuff and you're so proud and then everyone has progressed on again yeah it's really really like and you have to present it as well in architecture don't you oh and then you get ripped and then you get shredded ripped apart and like guest critics come in and they've never met you before it's like tv and they're like this doesn't make sense this is crap and they're trying that's what the real world is so they're trying to make you tough for that but when you're a bit vulnerable and you're like i was also an alcoholic should we talk about that like Like, we don't say that word very often, but I was bad.

48:08So you're there and you're dying and you've forgotten to do the thing you were supposed to do. And then you have all these people criticising your work. You're like, I don't want to do this anymore. It's so different. And you can't see why you're doing it either, right? Yeah. Like, as in you have to have a very clear vision of, well, this will get me to, you know, X or whatever. but especially when you're that age you suddenly all of that like surety and stuff and clarity that you had about the road to where you need to go they had in secondary school i think you know because everything's painted bullshitty right like it's like if you do if you work hard you'll get here and you start going to college start seeing it differently and then you go shit this is foggy and then you're there making little models of trees at three o 'clock in the morning my friend my friend was an my friend was an architecture so i know it's like i know the stuff you're talking about but he would have to make those those big kind of models that would have little people on it and what's that material is it just like kind of card or something it's like white card yeah yeah and i remember he came up to cork once and he had a really important presentation um the next day and he went out with us that night and he put his thing on like you know sacredly up on the top of a wardrobe or whatever like away from everywhere and then he woke up in the morning you could just hear him go oh no it was under his back oh he slept on it he probably took it down drunkenly like i'll protect it and then like slept and all these buildings are just like flapping around the place so we've talked about like all the harrowing terrible things right but what what do we tell the people to do so one thing i want to say actually is we're talking about talk therapy and how it's like very talky right because it is talk therapy but there's also So, like, there is therapy there to help you actually, not that that doesn't help you, but there to manage things and manage thoughts like, you know, CBT, all these different sort of therapies out there that really do help.

49:59It's just, I guess, you know, people can go get those. But what do you do on a smaller scale? I'd say I'm not the best person. I think I'm like, I need... Okay, what do you think you should do? What do you think you should do for you? I'm definitely out of control at the minute there's too much going on and I'm like flittering around and I've been like this for years and it's like it's no way to live you're just trying to get through the week like right now I'm like right we'll wrap this up now I have a big thing I have to do tonight I have loads of stuff going on tomorrow that'll be over and it's just like the years go around so I get in control of all of that I think would be very good well how do you get control of it and can you get control of any part of your day?

50:46I think just accepting, like, you're just never going to be satisfied with what you've achieved sometimes. Like, this is a huge achievement. We've done this now. Yeah. But I have five other things I haven't done and I feel really bad about them. Yeah. I think that that does come from, you know, it comes from high-functioning people as well, though. Like, as in, you don't give yourself the credit it so if you ask people who are really talented and stuff at things they will be like oh it's easy it's whatever you literally forget where you came from right so like you know i'm sure at some point in your career or whatever you would have thought this would be the coolest thing in the whole world and it is right it is the coolest thing in the whole world but your brain goes okay we've done it next thing next thing what's next and everyone you meet is like when's the live show when's the tour i'm like give us a chance it's coming i think if you're saying like oh you actually have to accept how shit it is i don't think that's where you should be going i think you should be saying can i carve out an hour you were saying to me before like as in you try not to do anything on a tuesday right sure tomorrow's tuesday uh we're recording another thing i'm doing a tour and tuesday evenings uh no i've agreed to meet two different people because i've i've a list of friends hello sorry we haven't seen it but sure they can listen to this that is actually becoming a problem as well i have some friends who i haven't seen and they're like sure i know everything they have all my news would you not think that's a good thing though it is but then you're we are basically like you know almost outsourcing your coffee meetups my chats yeah um this morning i gave in so i woke up at half eight i was going to do a workout i was going to make breakfast and clean the house and i woke up and i was very sad and i just went back into the bed that's good too till half past 11 that's good too and just let it happen and then my phone was hopping there's a load of stuff going on and i just i just said no and it was great and i felt a bit rested then when i got here i think maybe what you need is to literally just give yourself like one hour i know because you are racing i love going i think you love going but i think You should join therapy.

53:03Some of my friends go to therapy every week. Forever. Yeah. There's nothing wrong. They're like. There's nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong because. Oh, right. Because they go every week. Yeah, yeah. So they're coasting along and they have this little offload to this train. Oh, it's phenomenal though. Like if you've gone to therapy and you come out of it and you're just going like, wow. But this is why people talk so much when they get into a barber seat or whatever. Because they're just like, like all this stuff in me. but I think for you you need an hour like if you say to yourself I'm going to do because I know you like if you say I'm going to stop for six hours that's not going to happen yeah like it has to be a tiny tiny change but I think that's how it happens like what's really important for me is my mental health goes out the window if I don't go to the gym I know and I always say to myself I'm not doing it for aesthetic, fitness nothing so you're doing it for your head like and that's the one thing that I try and carve out during the week is like I have to do that or I'll feel upended.

54:01Yeah. You know? Like, you should maybe try and do the hour before you fucking absolutely need the hour. Yeah. Stop meeting so many people. They can't all get a piece of Marty Cox. I met a gay in Aldi the other day. Had a big chat. Actually, really nice. Yeah. A Twinkie has just moved to London from Ireland. Yeah. And so I went, I launched in. I was talking for 20 minutes. Giving every bit of advice. Uninvited. What else do you do? You do the gym. Do the gym. I get out and I walk. I think walking is the best thing ever. And seeing things happening. You see a lad run across the road and he roars at someone.

54:40And you go, whoa. And you're taking out of your head for a couple of minutes, right? Yeah. I think one of the best things is a change of scenery. Well, the new job is in a different part of town. Yeah. But I've never really been around before. Very nice. Yeah, it's nice, isn't it? Because I've spent the last five years in Shoreditch and Soho, which are two of the most kind of chaotic parts of town and i've been going around the same streets doing the same things yeah and it's kind of driving me mad so this different part of town it's lovely wander down a little alleyway find something yeah shock the system a bit yeah yeah take the lunch go for a walk i also um thoroughly enjoy touching trees as i've said before i know oh yeah but this is a Japanese technique I'd love to go to Japan I mean that would solve don't solve it all I honestly sometimes this is not lying I sometimes like get a pain and I nearly cry when I just think about walking around Japan it's I can't explain okay that's it thanks for listening to your internet boyfriends goodbye Dennis Lynn goodbye Mark Teacox we have a new episode for you every Thursday you can follow us on instagram and tiktok and you can email us at your internet boyfriends at gmail.com and we'll see you next week bye bye bye bye bye bye welcome to this week welcome to this week's episode of your internet boyfriends this week we're talking about feelings going to town with your mother.

56:13Going to town on your mother. Maybe I should say going to town on...

56:21Okay, welcome to this week's episode... Not well. Welcome to this week's episode of Your Internet Boyfriends. This week we're talking about feelings. Going to town with your mother.

56:35Fucking hell. What are you afraid? Good to tell another.