#52 Denis Goes on a Big Gay Night Out

28:12Denis:She's wonderful, right? She is. She is honestly wonderful, right? I know I tell stories on this, but she's great, right? But a real doer, real get-goer, right? So she's always trying to do another job. She loves doing jobs. I like doing jobs, too, but she loves doing jobs. So we were there the other day and we were heading out and I wanted to go on a walk. That's my thing, I want to go on a walk. And it was Saturday, I said, I just want to get out into the sunshine so we don't get sunshine. I'll go on a second. So we're about to head out for the walk and she says, oh, one second there. And I was like, oh, come on.

28:41Denis:And she's good for getting ready and everything like she wouldn't take that long. She'd just be doing loads of stuff. And then hollering and screaming in the bathroom. Ta-da! What you want? Ta-da! I was like, job. I was like, what's after happening here, right? I go in, Mark, open up the door.

29:01Brown splatters everywhere. What'd she do?

29:05Denis:She's wearing down her legs. She's wearing my shirt. That's destroyed. All over the walls. And I thought to myself. The beans. The thing I thought to myself, right? I thought to myself, why did you call me in for this? Like, if that was me. What is it? but we'll just wait, right? I just want to tell you what, I nearly fainted when I looked in here, right? I just thought, why didn't you try and resolve this on your own in here? Oh, I get it to a level of like 90, 95 % at least. Do everything you can. Climb out the window, run away. Like, just never speak to me ever again. Run away, call the guards, gone.

29:45Denis:And that's what I thought it was, right? But what, thank God, what it actually was, was, as I mentioned before, in an episode way, way back when, Lisa loves carrying her own food with the intention of eating it and then never eating it but she hates waste so she'd carry her own banana if you were a piece of fruit you'd see the world with her like she'd have a banana going around and it'd disintegrate like at the end of the week what did she have? she had a shake oh the new January shake I'm going having this now in my shake and that in my shake and everything's going to be great put it into a shake tightened it left it inside in her bag for a week created a time bomb it blows So she went into the bathroom then to sneak the job to clean it out.

30:27Denis:Opened it up, blew up all over the bathroom. I mean... It was alive. It was alive. She's basically creating strata alcohol. God. And then you know what she did? Yeah. She accidentally dropped the lid down the toilet, blocked the toilet. Then I'd stick my hand down the toilet to get the lid out. And you're late to go somewhere. Yeah, we're late. But my brain is also just seeing brown everywhere, right? So I'm really struggling with that. Get the lid out of the toilet. And then two seconds later, the toilet's blocked. All the tissue she used to clean up the shake, stuffed it down the toilet, blocked the toilet, water came up over the toilet, stuck my hand down the toilet again.

31:11Denis:Just take a break. Take a break. Take a break. the yeah the shakes they do really start to grow legs yeah they do don't they yeah if you if you leave if you leave anyone anyone who's out there now starting a new January regime wash the bottle if you leave protein in the bottom of that thing for like a couple of days game over got a burst it smells so bad it's the worst smell yeah I mean we have constant fights in our house constant constant fights. We'd have a lot of stains around the bathroom and I'd be mortified. It's often from my dye, my Just For Men, on my moustache. And there'd be little splashes of it on the sink or on the towel, like the hand towel.

32:03And then you have a visitor and they must be thinking, oh, what's that? It doesn't come up straight away. So you have to give it a good scrub.

32:11Denis:But just before we move on, do you know what she did? she got stuff on the toilet roll so there's brown stains on the toilet roll she didn't throw it away so now if we have a guest coming over and they pick up the toilet roll there's going to be brown stains on it very embarrassing that's the level she'll go to for no wastage what's in this shake? I've been buying the ones the pre-made ones from Aldi I think they're probably not the best I did read a thing right not coming after Aldi here a little right but I did read a thing that I just saw the headline and I didn't read it because I didn't want to know all the information but it said that high processed food is bad for every one of your organs oh yeah like all of them yeah but they keep putting the word protein on everything yeah they do yeah it's very clever it's working pancakes protein if you ever eat a protein bar like they're almost impossible to eat like I had one yesterday like it's not good for you block you up stories news I think you've got news from me do you oh tell me about traitors Oh yeah, so you're not watching Trailer, are you?

33:12No, I've missed it and I think I'll let it go. Really? Yeah, I think I'll let it go.

33:17Denis:You've still time to catch up. We're not going to give away any spoilers, so you don't have to turn it off. We're barely even going to talk about it. I want to talk about it in a different way. Yeah. But there is a gay lad from somewhere in Northern Ireland, I think. Okay. Matt. Okay. And there's a gay lad from Wales, Stephen. You love Stephen. Okay. I think you'd really like Stephen. Yeah. Stephen was wearing a cycling jacket. Oh, see? Yeah, he was. That's my influence. Yeah, he was wearing a cycling jacket, so he might be watching the podcast. And he's got a lovely kind of retro sci-fi look to him.

33:52Denis:Like he's these huge, long, flared kind of one pieces. Very, very nice. I think he'd like it. Floppy hair? Yeah. I think I know the one, yeah. I've seen pictures. Yeah, yeah. like it's surprising for there's usually two or three people on those shows that are attractive so people kind of he definitely legend them definitely visible very nice looking man would you go on it well this is the question so you can enter as pairs oh right you can enter as pairs but when you go in you don't reveal that you know each other they'd know would this is they'd know us would they know us I don't know well of course we're quick now before we're famous yeah I suppose maybe we should have done it this year yeah But I was, would you be able to keep it a seat?

34:39Denis:Because that's the whole thing. If you reveal it, basically it's really suspect and you've obviously been lying to the people. So there's like mothers and daughters. There's a mother and daughter who's on it this year. There's people in relationships on it this year. And that kind of crops up every now and then, you know? Do you think people would know? Also, I don't know what's happening, right? Yes, we have similar features in ways, right? but I do think people are like when they see the clips people are going I thought that was the same person oh yeah yeah so do you think they think we're related yeah probably more likely that we're brothers or something would I be good at that so you if you've never watched it I know the idea yeah but you nominate yourself to be a traitor oh yeah so you try and state your case okay to the host, to Claudia, and you try and say to her, I make such a good trader because of this, and then they pick you, they give you a silent little nod or a little touch on the shoulder.

35:45Denis:You know you're a trader and the rest of the people don't and they're faithfuls, right? But you have to obviously lie and be conniving and like... Would I be good at that? It's my life. Well? Would I be good? Would you be good? You're nice. I don't know I don't know I think I could be good but I think it might be very damaging to me yeah do you know what I mean I could probably be a really nice trader I think there was a guy on it this year and I honestly think he got a pretty bad time of it because he was attractive I'm not saying that would happen to us but it probably would he did like he he he had a bad time he came across I'm not even going to say because I don't want to get any flack but he's just an attractive guy and everyone kind of viewed him as a little bit arrogant or whatever yeah would that be a risk for me no I think you'd get away with it what if you're not a traitor you just have to just be you have to find out who's a traitor and hope people don't think that you are yeah but the key to the whole show seems to be right and no shade to anyone out there right because they're all just people but the key to it seems to be if you can be as beige feast as possible Yeah, say nothing.

37:01Denis:Say nothing. Bring up no theories. Be almost useless. You can just get to the end. No, you might be taken up by the traitors at the end. That's the problem. But like anyone who's anyway decent, the people seem to turn on them. Like the faithfuls get rid of themselves. But do you think you'd be able to keep it up? Yeah, I'd say so, yeah. Because you just... I think I'd be going in though with I might be too produced I might be too conscious of myself and what I'm saying as we've seen here I might be worried imagine being on telly like everything you say but it's also just hours of you in the house so like they edit it down to a tiny amount no I mean it's actually like worse than probably what I'm thinking and then they pick out like the bits I think for the most part they don't go completely big brother on you they seem quite fair yeah I think I would I think I'd make a good faithful Yeah But I think people would think I was a traitor I think you'd struggle if you were the traitor I think you don't I don't know I don't know if you'd be good at the lying I think Do you know I think you'd want Be too good Yeah But it would be a great way to get famous Yeah If you were clever after And write a book Or come out with something It's a good way to get a bit of attention well there's a person in it this year yeah that is a is a book writer yeah there we go yeah but is it true they don't even tell what their lives are you don't have to so you can make up something so like one person one person it is pretty funny though it's like the there's one person who's in the like a detective yeah for years and years decades and like she was completely wrong on everything oh you know like she's lying no no as in like she got all her theories were wrong How does the Irish one work?

38:53Like you can't Everyone knows people in Ireland Yeah but they're not a traitor Before they come on to the show But like if you said Oh I live in Kerry And my wife Like if you were making up lies About your life

39:06Denis:Oh yeah I suppose you'd have to be A little bit Yeah I mean that's kind of funny though With the Irish one You might not even enter In a pair And you could end up being in a pair Yeah Okay well congratulations To whoever Do they win? Is there a winner? Is there money? Yeah yeah It's a ball of money It'd be like 100 grand I could do with it. Yeah, I could do with it. I think we should talk about one of your most successful Instagram posts. What's that? Oh, last week? As you... Yeah, I... So we got lovely new curtains and they have these ruffles on the edges and they frame this mirror and if I wake up at the right time sometimes I sit up in the bed and I look in the mirror and I think, I'm gorgeous.

39:49I literally say it out loud.

39:55And so that's what I thought the other day And I took a little picture And I can't tell you the response I think Sometimes I think What's the point Of talking and telling jokes And writing songs And just be gorgeous Just post a little picture Just post a picture For anyone out there who wants help through the January blues There it is Just be attractive Just be beautiful So I posted that little picture. It was good now, to be honest. The light was good. Everything was nice. Got my hair done.

40:27Denis:As I did say to you already, I knew it was posted when my roommate said, Oh, Mark! From the other side of the house. I heard it and I knew something then. It was good. Do you know why it was good? Zoom in. Zoom in. Crop out all the mess. Just get a nice composition. So that was a real hit. That was a real hit with the fans. I'd say I'd say 100 no I'd say maybe 500 DMs 500 but it also was on the back of posting the pictures of us out that night and they were giddy about that the views were up thanks very much so about 5 if you're getting 500 DMs how many of those do you think has a shot?

41:10no not many percentage wise? I mean 1 percent 5 Five? Yeah. Five. You'll know. They'll know. They'll know. They'll get more than a heart anyway.

41:25Denis:They'll get more than a heart. Everyone gets a little heart. I doubt everyone gets a heart. I say some people get, you get nothing, you get a little heart, you get a ha-ha, that'll be the next level. If I go back with something that's prompting you, if I go back with like a little question or more than two words, then there's a conversation starting here. It signals there. Because I can be guilty of sometimes replying and sounding more excited than I actually am. You have a wonderful way of speaking. Do you mean leading people on? Yes. There could be a risk of potentially... Yeah. So I have to be careful with that because it's so easy to just fire off a message and then I meet people and they're like, oh, we've been talking on Instagram.

42:16And I'm like, I have no memory of that whatsoever. Because we swapped three messages in six months. But like, I'm very quick with the texting.

42:24Denis:So heartbroken men all over London listening to this. I actually, do you know what though? I find it really difficult to talk to a girl that I met in a professional setting or something and then say like, oh, cool, do you want to go get a coffee? Or like, do you want to do this or do that? I actually did it. I sent a person, I was like, hey, you know, like it was cool talking to you you want to get a coffee whatever yeah and then i was like fuck did i just ask them on a date oh yeah you know that's not my intention it's just have coffee it's just how else can you connect with people or you know like in my case of the you know the os the os the opposite sex um but yeah no there's there's a few nice conversations ongoing leads business leads in the DMs.

43:12There's a few business leads. But yeah, it was it made it to the grid. It was that good. So we have to keep that.

43:18Denis:We should get on to, we've got some more listener dilemmas into us. I think we've got some stuff in. I think you have it this week. It's in my phone. It's okay, take your time. Amongst the DMs. Yeah, so we've had some very interesting questions come in over the last few weeks from our beautiful listeners. This makes me laugh. I think this one is in from Kevin, if I remember. So I have to put on my glasses. Here we go.

43:47That would go mad now for the glasses. Oh, I actually don't like these glasses, but... I do like them. I've not gotten around to go back to Specsavers. Dear Mark T. Cox and the straight one. That's me. I am a homosexual male.

44:07They're still with us. it's not just the girls I'm a homosexual male living in south west London I have a good job bracket 60k bracket

44:15Denis:oh very nice is that good that's very nice is that good I don't know anymore look there are people listening to this podcast who have lost their minds because they live in London that is great is that great fantastic but there are certain lifestyles in London where that could be very hard but it's there's just going to be people listening all over the place that are going to if we say that's not good yeah It's a blessing Good grace Well done 60 grand And a career that's going well However I find myself In a bougie Cost of living crisis Every weekend My friends invite me To dinner Clubs Sunday roasts And it's costing me Hundreds of pounds a week Jesus How can I tell my friends I need to slow down On the spending Without sounding like Zero fun And without risking Losing my friends Love the pod Many wishes Kevin Alright Kev I have a suggestion for them Yeah You have to get new friends Oh You have to get new friends Right because what I see happening in Especially in London I think the disparity is really bad in London In Ireland it can be quite bad Yeah But you can be in groups Where one person Is like their father is Lord something Yeah Right they've got the job But they've also just got this sea of wealth behind them Oh don't talk to me They'll be eating roasts Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday Non-stop Their roast wouldn't even be on a day Like they'd have Wednesday roasts So then you're going to Some people go for dinner every day I know And look I'd love it I'd love to go out for dinner every day Right But I can't I My only suggestion is Is that you have to start Meeting up with the people That are not putting you under pressure I went for a dinner before Oh my god If you're out there I think they might actually Listen to this podcast Right I love the two of you I think you're great Right But This was mad and you need to get a hold of yourselves.

46:06Denis:I went out in a previous life, not that long ago, and we went out for a little dinner and I wasn't drinking because I was driving and it was miles away from where I lived right now I wasn't drinking. Two couples out. They ordered five bottles of Prosecco. How much was a bottle of Prosecco? At this place, it was probably like, I don't know, 25 pounds. Substantial, right? They ordered five bottles of Prosecco. And then when the bill came at the end, that goes where we have it. Have you lost your minds? Have you lost your minds? I'd say it's more than 25 pounds. It probably is. 40? I was a little bit outside London, so maybe, I would say 30 pounds, so I'm not going mad.

46:48Denis:But still like 150 pounds. Right? It's huge. That's some people's money for the week. Yeah, of course it is. And they're just racking five bottles of Prosecco. And then I made a mental note to myself, never again, ever going to dinner with these people. and you just start alienating them. Or can you do other things with them? I hate going for dinner. No, I don't. But I wish you could just go for dinner and have a dinner and leave. But it's like, as soon as everyone sits down, it's like they've forgotten whatever budget or whatever limit that they set on themselves. And we'll have a nibble and we'll have this and you'll have this and then we'll have dessert.

47:33and then people getting a couple of sides 10 pound olives what are you doing just to nibble I was like I don't want it what are you doing they're not worth 10 pounds I don't want it but you kind of the minute you start complaining or like pulling back you just feel like a Scrooge if you're out with anyone

47:51Denis:and they tap the phone off of the little reader without looking at the number yeah run because you can be friends but I think you need to just not put yourself in the situation of getting caught out like that. Well, you need to, they're the go for walks, friends. Yeah. You go for a walk and then you make sure on Google Maps that there's no restaurant within like three square miles of the place. I know. And you immediately say to them when you met them, I had a big lunch. I know. I had four sausage rolls. Because some people, like, you don't want to part ways because you're having a nice day. But if someone is hungry, it's suddenly 40 pounds because there's no like nice option to just grab a little bite.

48:38Denis:I have a place. It turns into 40 pounds. I have a place that I go to. So there was a friend of mine asked me do you want to go for lunch? And I said yeah no worries. Popped in. Somehow like that spent 40 pounds on lunch and was going home with tears in my eyes. I couldn't believe it. And it's not that nice. No it's not even that great. It's just like a roll and chips. But there is a place near me like a greasy spoon. Yeah. I could get my lunch in there for a tenner. Like, I mean, loads of different stuff for a tenner. Absolutely love it. Spend my days up there. Yeah. And that's kind of what you need as well.

49:06Denis:You wouldn't bring every friend there. No, you couldn't. No, they wouldn't like it. They wouldn't like it. They wouldn't like it. But that's why you got to go and walk with those friends. Yeah, I really, I went for dinner last week with some friends and I think everyone was on the same page and it was great and we split the bill and everyone just kind of got what they wanted enough and it was lovely. But I think we know each other and we're all kind of on the same kind of level. But some friends, some people I know are on 200, 300 ,000 a year. Oh, get out of here, Mark. Well, yeah. Why aren't they sponsoring this if they are?

49:36I know, but like, so they wouldn't think much of having dinner, having 40 pound dinner every night. Yeah, but you have to, as you're nibbling on the way home.

49:44Denis:Look, when we're big, rich and famous, right? Yeah. I was, I'm still going to think about who I'm at the table with. You can't be at that crack. But you can be friends. They can be nice people. No, but you have to think. you can't go oh let's go to the most expensive place in the world and I'm going to bring my friend who I know is not on like tons of money or whatever I like to trick I like nice places but I'm allergic to spending that much money on a meal that's not to be crude it's going to be gone it's going to pass through you

50:23it can't be that good it's gone it's gone in 12 hours it cannot cost that much so I like the experience so like today I went to the Standard now actually today I spent 20 pounds on a burger I did no that's what happened I met my friend and I was trying to be good and then I was hungry and we went and we were supposed to just have a coffee and then sure the menu came out and then there was a burger and I was like oh that looks nice and it was it was 18.50 stop it but it was delicious but I had it I did it

50:57Denis:but who said it before maybe we're talking about this it's just common but like bringing snacks in London which you can save you so much money look at this you're very contradictory in this you just gave me a face of disgust in that you always have snacks at you I know but I just want to feel fancy but I can't afford it but normally what I would try and do is go to the really posh fancy place barge in dress up nice and just have a coffee and just stop it stop it you don't need the£9.50 fucking I don't know sweet potato crisp or whatever shite that's shite just have the coffee and you can have a great time for a tenner I think the worst one I ever ever encountered I went for a birthday dinner for someone yeah and again it was in that same situation different people and we went into a restaurant and I was only told the information as we were going through the doors.

51:57Denis:I go into the restaurant, very fancy man comes up to me and I'm like, yeah, this restaurant's fine. Like the fancy man brings us through the restaurant and into a private dining room. 200 pounds. And I was like, I'm going to get sick. So we rock in. I don't know anyone, right? But because of their religion, most of these people, I think everyone like bar, me and who I was with, didn't drink. So they didn't drink alcohol. Right. So then, and this, this is a separate thing, but like this is the thing that drives me up the walls. If we are going to do this and we are going to spend money, I want to order my own food.

52:32Denis:If you start sharing plates, I'm going to lose my mind. And holding back in case you have too much. Oh my God. And it's still 200 pounds. And it's ridiculous. Or someone, someone's like, I don't know, like let's say we're getting, I don't know, like rice or something. And they're like, are you going to want rice? No, no, I'm not going to get rice. I'm not going to get rice. And then the rice comes in and they scoop out a little bit of rice. and you go, I'm going to murder someone. And they were sitting down and no one's drinking. And everyone's talking about how they're not drinking and some people like had stopped drinking and it was just, great, great.

53:02Denis:It was all sitting down. So then the waiter comes along and nearly every single person, maybe like to my right, orders drink on the sly. Right? Loads of drink. Double vodkas, triple vodkas. And then we're sitting down. Bill comes out. Split. The lad who's after doing loads of the damage, obviously can't announce that he's been drinking for the whole thing. Grabs the bill. He goes, we'll split that. Hands it back to the waiter. The most amount of money I've ever seen. 150 each. It was absolute. I can't even tell you. Like, it was close. Yeah. It was close. Thousands. I got a little bit of rice and a bit of chicken.

53:41Denis:And you got to McDonald's on the way home. If I went to McDonald's on the way home, I would have rolled out the place with that amount of money. I couldn't have spent that amount of money. Yeah. God, we're going to be very cranky. Yeah. So, Kevin needs to grow a bit of confidence and stop ending up in situations that cost money. I would say if friends are going for dinner, you can say, you can tell lies. You can say, oh, I'm busy. I can't make it for the dinner. I'll join you for the drink. No, you can't do that either. Can't do that? No, that's so awkward as well. Okay. No, I think you either take control and you suggest a dinner and make sure it's in a place that isn't absolutely extortionate or you suggest a different activity.

54:27Okay.

54:27Denis:And then you start boxing off the friends into different groups. Yeah. That's what I would do. But it feels like, what's he saying, clubs? Now, for homosexual males, the clubs are£25,£30, the tickets. They get into them? What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of the big club nights are the prices going to open them and it's like tickets on fucking dice or whatever and oh there's a£4.50 booking fee and it's certainly loath money there's also a round of homosexual males in this city who only seem to socialise by going to big concerts like we're going to Dua Lipa we're going to Beyonce and it's like £150 tickets every weekend so like there's loads Have you heard of credit cards?

55:14Yeah Sponsored by Klarna but it can be hard to there's a lot of groups of friends sometimes I wonder are they friends they're more like do you know like people who are just kind of stuck to each other in a whatsapp group as a way to do activities not alone I say there's a lot of people looking at themselves no listening to that do you know what I mean are you really that close with all of these people or would it be better to focus in on a couple of people who you're comfortable like some of my best friends I wouldn't I don't want to go anywhere with them I just want them to come to my house and we have tea and talk instead of no actually like tea instead of going to a restaurant spending£100 and most likely sitting in an like annoying place with someone else right here beside your face yeah so I think

56:04Denis:the message you were sending to Kevin is to just completely isolate yourself yeah don't go and spend any money and lock yourself at home yeah okay great thanks for your thanks for your message thanks Kevin I have sweaty pits Yeah, I'm absolutely roasting. Look at that. I need to go. Isn't that awful? Okay, that's the end of that now. Thanks for listening to Your Internet Boyfriends. You can watch this full episode back in HD on YouTube. And we'd love to hear from you. If you want to drop us a message with your news or your saucy stories, you can get us on Instagram or TikTok. Or you can email us at yourinternetboyfriends at gmail.com.

56:40Off we go now. Very busy. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

56:49bye