#53 An Irish Stag Party and Men Paying to be Stepped On

0:00Have you heard Easter bunnies are making podcasts now?

0:04Denis:Well, to celebrate this, we're offering 25 % off your first month of a Headstuff Plus monthly plan or annual plan with the code EASTER. Get ad-free listening and bonus content from all your favourite shows, including Young Hot Guys, Shite Talk History, Your Internet Boyfriends, The Lovely Show and more. Sign up before Friday 10th of April at headstuffpodcast.com slash EASTER and use the code, yes, EASTER at checkout. You can cancel any time with no commitment. That's headstuffpodcast.com slash Easter with the code Easter. I haven't interacted with an ATM in so long. Do you know your code? No. Don't know my phone.

0:42Yeah, I've not. I'd say it's about 300. Oh, I do.

0:44Denis:6532. Welcome to this week's episode of Your Internet Boyfriends. Hello, Mac T. Cox. Hello, Dennis Len. This week, we'll be talking about why I have a horrible hangover, the Grammys, and standing on men. and we'll be answering a listener query where we'll be helping someone to get their partner unclogged. Here I am, Lord. How are you doing, Mark? Is it I, Lord? I went on a stag at the weekend and now I'm dead. I'm not well. I'd say we often encourage listeners to watch the live stream, the YouTube. I'd say this week maybe don't. I'd say give it a miss this week. If you have any, I don't know, inclination towards me, just keep the illusion up.

1:30Denis:Maybe tune in next week. Actually, maybe the week after. You're tired now today. I'm absolutely on the ropes, hanging on by a thread. Yeah. I'm actually looking forward to listening back to this as a little time capsule in maybe a year's time. Yeah. You can hear, can you hear that little moisture on my lips? Oh. Or the lack of it, the dehydration. Yeah. Can't hydrate myself. I, I'm now the human being formerly known as Dennis Len. Yeah, wrecked. So when did you get back? I got back yesterday. From where? From Kerry, lovely Killarney. Oh, a flight. A flight, yeah. I got, how did I get home? I got a car.

2:12Oh, first of all, I woke up and I realised I wasn't flying out of Kerry.

2:16Denis:I was flying out of Cork. Oh. A little bit of a conundrum for you. Different. I'll put the fear up your arse when you're fucking thinking about that in the morning. lying as a person is knocking on the hotel. Check out was an hour ago. Oh, well, I, yeah, I got a car. Well, I get a car, a train, a plane, a train, a tube, a bus. Did you drive that car? No, I didn't. No. Oh, another man who, who was definitely within the limits drove that. Okay. Go on, go back. When did you go over? We went over on the Friday. um, half five in the morning. I did the thing that I always, I've given out about this on episodes before.

3:00Denis:I've said I'd never be this person. Guess who was drinking at the airport? At five o 'clock? Big cool me. No, I, at six o 'clock, six a.m. because I had to get to the airport. On your own? Uh, no, no, it wasn't that bad. With three other, um, three other friends. Okay. We started off. And, uh, we kept going then that night until one o 'clock. Yeah. So five hours off, 24 hours. And then we got up in the morning We started again Yeah And it was so It was so great Because we saw all these These other hens Not that many stags But we saw other hens And like You could see they were having brunch And they did like A little sign And like almost like a billboard Oh yeah You know Welcome to Helen's Big brunch Yeah A special space And even had like Instagram shots They were all dressed up In like country western wear We did nothing Nothing We organised absolutely nothing Who you don't have to name them now but who is it?

3:55Denis:Oh it's like my best friend. Right. Same best friend that three years ago I told. Are you your best man? I'm best man yeah. So who who are you blaming? I'm blaming his brother directly. Not you. Yeah not me. Wasn't your thing to organise? I'd give myself 20 % blame. We had a great time. And who talked about what was going to be organised? I suggested things and then he just kind of let it go too late and then we couldn't get anything organised. Yeah. But we still had a great crack. Great crack. Still great fun. How many lads? Just 14 of us. Okay. Mark, listen to this. There was a hen out. Yeah.

4:31Denis:Do you know how many people are on the hen? Oh, there could be. Just give like a non-crazy guess. You could easily have 35. 50. 50 women. 50 women. A lot of brunch. Where do you get all... How do you organise that? What hotel did I go into? Yeah. How do you... You could have a few sisters. You could have a few sisters-in-law. you could have the mother you could have his mother that's 10 the girls from work the girls from work 20 the girls from college the girls from school that's 40 the Mary Eye girls the girls from Mary Eye the girls from Dublin and the girls from your year in Australia and you'd easily have 50 or 60 the wedding is going to have 1500 people at it God and where were you a big hotel we were in we were in a hotel in the middle of town it was nice yeah very nice Very well behaved How did you pass the days?

5:24How did we pass the days? Three days What were we doing?

5:27Denis:Staring into a pint And then you get another pint And then someone would go Do you want another pint? And then you just get another pint And were you moving around? Moving around to different dark pubs All as a gang? Or did you split up? No, all as a gang We kept together But like, I mean, it was actually I had the best two days Did you sit down? What do you mean? Did we sit down? Or stand up? No, no, we did sit down You did, okay Yeah, we did sit down and we weren't completely all banning it. Wow. It's phenomenal. How did you decide when it was time to go? Or go to the next one? That's an interesting question.

5:59Who's in charge of it?

6:00Denis:I was kind of, I was getting them along, alright, like you kind of tell when they needed to, they get a bit agitated and they need to go somewhere. And then we go on to the next place. And how do, I might have one quick one. Well, we're going now, but I'll use a quick one. As I'm sure anyone who's been on these kind of stags will testify to you have to get up and say we're leaving if you're not coming we're gone but I've just ordered the pint so you could probably order another down it quick one yeah well okay sorry what you actually do is you do the fake going away that's what you do first so you see that the that the lads have a pint left and you go alright we'll head away there so knowing you're not going no we're not going and then they'll protest and then that'll get them not ordering the next one but you put a stop to the next pint you have to yeah coming in yeah pints are lovely yeah they are How many pints would you have had the weekend?

6:52I'm just curious because I don't drink pints.

6:54Denis:Do you know how many pints I had on Friday? 10. 20 pints. 20 pints. So one of the lads one of the lads is an English fellow, right? He's never had he's never had Pints of what? I was just having beer like just different beers but one of the lads has never had Guinness. He drank I'd say I'd say 16 points of Guinness. He was in he said he got sick the next morning yeah and he said he was so worried by what he had produced oh don't yeah yeah we breakfast then in the next morning falling asleep into the plate all of us an absolute wreck buffet buffet help yourself help yourself that's nice get more than anyone could possibly eat puddings dry puddings I'm actually sick runny eggs yeah no I'm good I'm actually quite good for eating after it but I feel a gallon of orange juice okay yeah 20 pints the first night yeah and then two more days well yeah I didn't really drink the third day second day was the hanging around the lobby then saying the gathering the gathering of the bags in the lobby of the hotel on the last day no no no everyone absolutely was gone like there was seven lads that I haven't seen in years just left saying goodbye to no one gone get out go yeah What are you talking about?

8:18Denis:For two days. Same things we talk about every time we meet up, I suppose. Something that happened years ago. Yeah. And then we laugh about that. Yeah. We did have a... We did have... Do you know what? I stand over this. This was hilarious. There was... We're all sitting around. It was like 14 of us. And at some point, right, in... I'm really going to paint myself here as a very average, bang average man. Oh, yeah. Someone got scratch cards. Yeah. Right? And we got a load of scratch cards in. And I went to... This is the first... I someone I don't know gave money to get scratch cards or something so I said I'll go into Central and I'll get them but little did I know because I'm not used to buying scratch cards you can only buy 10 at a time oh gambleaware.ie yeah so I went in to the woman and I said can I have 20 scratch cards and she said I cannot sell you 20 scratch cards like pretty sternly yeah I was like oh that's grand like I don't care like it's like how many can you sell me she goes 10 and I said okay great she goes what are you on are you on a stag or whatever I said yeah I'm on a stag she started asking me loads of questions yeah and then she goes oh my god thank god I thought you were a secret shopper oh she thought I was coming in testing her I should dish them out to you then no no no she said I can only sell you 10 so I said oh don't worry about that that's fine right no I was after a few drinks big wink no no I was after a few drinks at this stage there's a line there I said yeah thanks for the 10 I walk out the door I walk back in I go hello a French accent I'm in the market for some scratch cards bought 10 more but we won them we won I don't know like 60 quid or something on the scratch cards right gamble aware right but um one of the lads then says you know obviously the best thing to do would be to put that money on a horse yeah right you know because you definitely win that's new money yeah that's like we're going to keep on making money here so we put money on a horse that a fella had got a tip from yeah and you know how good tips are and he got it from like a guy kind of connected to a trainer or something right yeah where I got really into betting on horses and so we got a tip so we put the money on him and so then myself and my friend were watching this on his phone right and the rest of the table couldn't see the phone because they were facing away from them and they're all wondering like what's happening so we're relaying to them what's happening with the horse right so anyway the horse takes a terrible fall fairly quickly into the race so now we've lost 60 pounds or 60 euros whatever so then my friend has a genius move he goes let's just pretend that the horse wins right so we start going oh he's breaking out he's going for it the 12 lads are on the table going come on they can't see anything oh we tell them he's after winning he's after winning everyone goes mad how much do we win 500 drinks pints for everyone oh no we won nothing right they start spending the money everyone's spending the money they don't have then the guy who gets the tip he texts the fella who gave him the tip and he goes oh excellent thanks for that any more like that for me not realising that he had just sent the snarkiest text message of all time to your man yes because now the guy's getting one going well that was a great fucking tip do you have any more stupid tips left for me that's very good yeah so it was just that basically repeated hour after hour how was your weekend wait now go back any women any women around this is just a little reminder if you're enjoying the podcast make sure to click follow on Spotify or you can leave a little review on Apple Podcasts Thanks so much.

11:39Denis:Like, I mean, everyone is with someone, marriages, kids, the whole nine yards. Yeah. As sad, no, it's not sad. Jesus. As sad as that is. As sad as it sounds to say, like, that there was no kind of, like, scandalous moment or whatever. Yeah. It was actually just the best thing in the world to just sit down and talk shit all day long. Yeah. No, like, no, there wasn't a single serious conversation that happened. great during the whole thing and it was um phenomenal and no clock ticking uh no clock ticking and at one point then you see people when we're talking they wouldn't really know that we're making up half the stuff just because it's funny and then we're kind of telepathically telling each other just keep on with the story whatever but it's completely exaggerated right yeah whatever it's like do you remember the time you did x or whatever an x never really happened there was two women sitting next to us oh right the one that had said something i can't remember he said but he said something salacious anyway about something and the two next to us goes oh we're listening to all the ear cocked yeah I'd say they went away with stories like all of them made up and were they all asking for me so would they be listening I got spotted met some people and they knew the podcast great they knew of us yeah a lot of I watched the clips Was this in front of your friends?

13:04Denis:This was in front of my friends Which is phenomenal Yes Because also They'd been told About the podcast A couple of good supporters In the friends group Who would tell people About the podcast A couple other people Then would be a bit sickened Yeah And then when When there was When a spot happened Oh Sweet Lovely The Ace de la resistance You stood up Oh I had ten more pints Who were they? Gays? Women? Women Yeah The women are in Okay Yeah That's very good And how well they spotted you? They did yeah And then The highlight then The only thing that we did Which made our day was One of the lads Bought 100 cocktail sausages For 20 euros

13:46Denis:Isn't that great Is that good I think it is yeah 100 cocktail sausages I think you could make money on it To cook them What They were cooked They were cooked In a bucket Oh In a bucket And he had them in the bar I'd say now the Guinness and the cocktail sausages it was a mess there was people collapsed like people's bodies were falling apart now going home but at the time delicious and if you weren't careful then you could look into your pint there could be an old cocktail sausage at the end of it Jesus Christ the cuisine in Ireland just desperate very bad it was so funny though wandering around Killarney and almost hearing the same conversation happening like at every single table.

14:34Denis:It was so funny. Great success. Brilliant success. And the wedding. The wedding is in April. It's fantastic as well. The groom out there thought it was a great choice to invite some people to the stag who are not actually going to the wedding and didn't get invited. And then when I brought up, oh sure, it'll be great to see you at the wedding. And they were going. Who does that? It's madness. Yeah. Madness. I know, it's trying to involve them a bit, yeah. Mad move. Oh my God. You'll be all right. We'll get you home to bed now soon. Yeah, well, I had a great... Last night, I had a nightmare. Do you remember?

15:12I had a... Okay, go on.

15:14Denis:Go on, did you have a nightmare? Yeah, a huge one last night. I had a horrible nightmare last night. I had a nightmare that someone broke into my house and deleted the podcast. Oh, everything. Off the face of the earth, like gone, like gone. No harm, maybe. What? maybe no harm in a couple of years we might be praying it happens oh no I have no I have no access to those files I don't know how any of that works my nightmare this is so boring talking about dreams but this was I woke up traumatised I killed someone and then it's so vivid in my mind they were on my kitchen floor and I this is exactly what I need yeah I decided to wrap them up in tinfoil and I was going to bring them out the door and I can it was so obvious and I folded them up in half and wrapped them up in tinfoil and I was like I'm going to get away with it and then I looked and the woman but then I was in my house in London but I looked out the window and I was suddenly in my home house do you know what I mean and the woman across the road I won't name her everyone knows her was looking out the window and she'd watched the whole thing and I bet the wrong woman to see it and then I woke up and you know if you wrapped him in tinfoil as well wouldn't it just look like a human yeah do you know yeah wouldn't it look like a rug because my mother gets this big jumbo tinfoil like for the turkeys like enormous huge big rolls and I thought that'd be good wait before we move on there's one more thing I just remembered so last night I was obviously getting all these nightmares and stuff right and then at about I don't know half or five o 'clock in the morning I went over to Lisa's last night trying to pretend that I was fine when I was falling apart.

17:00Denis:And I get a tap on the shoulder at five o 'clock. I think, I think there's someone, I think there's someone in the house. Oh, get out. I was like, let them kill me. I can't, I can't handle it right now. And so, she thought that someone had opened the front door outside that we hadn't closed it or something. And they'd come into the small little hallway. Oh. And that they were in that hallway. Except that you can't see out into that hallway. And she was like, you have to go check. I was like, I can't go check. No, just leave them there. And then she said, I don't, look, maybe I'll let it sit out afterwards, right?

17:42Denis:Go on. I was completely naked in the bed. Great. Right? Completely naked. Probably because my body temperature had gone above like 6 ,000 degrees. Yeah. And so I got up and I was like, if there is someone there, I have to get some way dressed. Yeah. I was hung over, I was dying, I was trying to like find something. And then she goes, take my clothes. Put on my bra. Put on my bra. I was just like, I was like, we still, between the two of us, have the same amount of clothes if you swap the clothes over. So I was deliberately, what I started doing was start turning on a few lights and making noise and stuff and whatever.

18:14Denis:And then opened up the door. Nothing. Nobody there. I know. Nobody there. Come back. Could be. Come back into the room. Could have been a murderer. She's asleep. Oh, not what you need. Not what you need. Not what you need. Anyway, did you have a nice old weekend? I had a busy weekend. Yeah. I had all my friends from school were visiting. Eight, seven, six. Six, seven, eight. Phew. A big crowd. Yeah. All coming in. So we do an annual gathering every Christmas and we couldn't do it this year because everyone was busy. So they decided to come to me because I'm very busy. So I don't know how it happened but it worked out very easy for me.

18:52They all had to fly and come see me. Did you put them all up? No, not at all. There's no space in my house. So, no, they got a big Airbnb in the middle of town on Shaftesbury Avenue. And it was like very affordable. So they all came in, different flights. Not one flight was delayed. I don't know how that happened. There was no problems. I was fully on full guard for something awful to happen and someone to get lost or someone to miss a train or miss a flight. I had just convinced myself something was going to go wrong. and nothing went wrong. It's just great. Everyone just arrived in and now we were booked.

19:31I had a schedule. I had looking back. Did you overdo it? I might have overdone it but you have to. Like what you did in Kerry, you can't do that in London. You can't just walk around and see where you go because you can't get in anywhere. So we were booked and busy. We had brunch, went back to the Ivy. I'm obsessed now after all the complaining but it's very easy did you get a message from are you is it a secret sponsorship with the Ivy yeah so that was great and then down the road we went to a show we went to see Oh Mary I'd love you to see that what's that very good it's about Mary Todd Lincoln the wife of Abraham Lincoln and it's about her dreams and wishes to become a cabaret star it's very funny it's all made up yeah it's very very funny so I saw that for the second time.

20:23Have you ever seen a show twice?

20:26Denis:Very interesting because I knew what was coming but it was also a matinee so they obviously played it a little bit different because the crowd was a bit quieter and I saw it first of all like just before Christmas and it was excellent and then I went in and you just get this realisation they've been here all that time. Like they've been in this theatre every day since doing this over and over and over isn't it mad I feel like you get it's not like an existential crisis in this stuff but it's like you get like the most grounded crisis when you yeah like you see you see the world very real sometimes do you think yeah but like just when the main performer came out first I'm like you do this every day it's like yeah no it's like it's like the magic gets stripped away from you so easily oh yeah oh straight away and you catch them and you're like are you gone are you are you gone like you're acting excellent but like I've seen I've seen plays where people haven't acted excellent and it does look like they need a holiday yeah but no they were and I was like how are you still interested because the first time I saw it I was so excited but how could you still be anyway so that was great and then straight out the door we had a swift turnaround to get to East London which we went to the Divine we went to a different type of cabaret show we went to a drag show which was great what's the what's the diversity of the group is there LGBTs is there straight ones there's two LGBTs there's yeah and then some people are married some people have kids some people are single it's a bit of a mix well like was there any people walking into these places going woohoo no I know they've been but maybe not for a while well versed because like people have kids and you don't get to go out so but no there was no shock no they've seen it all it was great and then yeah and then yesterday we just kind of walked around and no caffling or no messing there was no messing there was no fighting there was no yeah it's lovely we've known each other since school like primary school so we're all very just relaxed with each other I find I find when parents get the get a couple of days off oh Oh, I mean, the drinks were flying now.

22:50Denis:Yeah. The drinks were flying. There was a moment. Have you seen the Jon Hamm meme where he's in the disco? Or in the disco. I sound like I'm 90 years old. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that, right? One of the lads had that moment. I think he has about three kids. Yeah. We went in and they were playing some old tune, like, you know, I love this city or something, right, whatever. And this crappy little, in this crappy little place. and he went in and just for a moment he just his head went back and he was just living for that five minutes that we were in there I don't have to go home to a child he was in his element I know yeah some people like never get to they'll go out but you're still going home and there's still a child screaming at six o 'clock in the morning I don't know I don't know how you do it you shall get medals of honour for going home and taking care of a child when I'm over I don't know how it happens But I was spotted Oh With the group Yeah And I was delighted I was delighted Because they never know Are you talking shite How did it happen We went out It happened twice actually I was in Rupert Street again And an LGBT hello From Canada I think Came over With a big hello And a big smile And went straight in And said I know you From your podcast Oh Thank you Thanks very much Love it Because I have an awful lot of very confusing conversations with people who don't explain themselves.

24:23And they come over and say hello, but they don't say who are they. So that was lovely. And then I made sure all my friends heard it and I got him to say it to them as well. Yeah, exactly. And then I sent him away. And then it happened again the next night. We were somewhere and an LGBT from South Africa. Do you remember we had a listener in South Africa? Do you think you found them? I found them on the statistics. There was one person listening. I found them. Really? And big salute, big hello, which was nice as well. But they didn't see that happening. I was quite angry about. Oh, no, my one happened right next to me,

25:00Denis:so it's good. But do you know what people keep asking? I don't know what it means, but they'll say like, oh, the podcast's going well. Actually, I never brought up the podcast. I didn't bring it up. Yeah. So like other people are bringing it up, which I thought was nice. Yeah. But then... the premise would be explained and then they'd go how did you and Mark meet? Yeah, same. I'm like, why is that on your head? How did she meet? Sex. Was it a sex thing? Yeah, yeah. She meets at a sex party. It was like, no, no, just kind of spotted each other. Yeah, it's always the, I get that too. Yeah, I know.

25:34It's strange, isn't it? Like how did this, how could you possibly know each other? How have these worlds collided? These two Irish men at the same age in the same industry living in the same place. How could you come across each other? They don't get it. They don't get it at all. What do you say? What's your answer?

25:50Denis:Oh, I have a big line. I really, I really big you up when I say it. Yeah. I say I just saw him in a club and I thought, that's a different class. That's a piece for me. Yeah. He's someone I want to work with. Yeah. I think I say, I ramble off into a bit of a like, ah, it's the comedy of the Irish and the comedy of the... Oh, you go that way. That works as well. I'm like, what do you think? Of course, we just met in a show. I'll be honest, I really want to talk about something today. Please. Because, again, in the throes of this hangover, sometimes what happens to me is I have nightmares and dreams and stuff, when I'm hungover, or the night of going out, and then I wake up the next morning and it's all tangled into one and I can't really tell the difference.

26:35Denis:Yes. You sent me a video of a woman. Oh, yes. in high heels stepping on a man drawing cash from an ATM yes and I'd just like you to explain because I watched it I don't even think I liked it when you said it I watched it and I just closed my phone and put it on tape and I was like I can't engage in this yeah what is this? so it's a woman I should know her name now I'm sorry whoever you are but for some reason my phone has been feeding me a lot of this dominatrix, financial domination stuff in my phone. Pay pigs. Yeah, pay pigs. But it's not LGBT. It's heterosexual arrangements where a woman in a pair of high heels will have a man lying on the ground in front of an ATM and it's always in like I don't even know Essex or Coventry or like No yeah Coventry is closer to the market It's like a high street It's an English high street Ipswich Red brick pedestrianised Poundland betting shop Iceland It's not glamorous It's very normal everyday town but she'll be dolled up to the nines in high heels and a leather skirt and there's a man lying on the ground and she stands on the man and then he gives her his ATM card and she takes out all his money and then she tells him to fuck off.

28:16Denis:The best part about it is have you seen how the man hands the ATM? It's like he his arm is stiff Oh yeah. and whips it up Yeah. as if like he's playing a part you know what I mean? Yeah. Like he's he's very nervous about like handing it wrong and then she takes it and bangs it in she's in charge I would say though that must hurt the high heels I wouldn't have any experience of because I would say that the guys on the ground yeah you know they're not you know he's not like made of steel like these fellas right you know he might yeah I probably met a lot of them out in Killarney do you know what I mean yes so an old high heel poking into the old pawn should be fairly sore oh the tummy is soft you mean Yeah yeah There's no abs there Soft Underbelly But they love it Yeah They love it No She'd only be able to draw About 300 quid I suppose What's the limit now I think it's about 300 quid I haven't seen an ATM In about three years I haven't interacted with an ATM Yeah In so long Do you know your code No Don't know my phone Yeah I've not I'd say it's about 300 Oh I do 6532 Lock it in Do you remember when your mother Would give you the card To go take out money Yeah but you weren't allowed to write it down so you're just walking along trying to remember trying to remember it and afraid you're going to block up the card having a hard time or they'd write it down in like a mysterious way like with loads of other numbers around on like the edge of a phone book and give you the phone book then yeah you'll have to take it with you but yeah she's dead right it's big business yeah would you ever get into any of that stuff well are you already involved well I have a lot of unusual people come into my messages.

30:05There's an awful funny

30:10before the cost of living crisis I would say. Right. There was a lot of people out there who they just

30:22Denis:It's taking an awful long time to say this Mark. They want there's a crisis I don't know what to say there's a crisis in the community of people who just want to be bossed around right and they want to be either physically or metaphorically walked all over like that man in that video okay and that might be financial that might be you've really skirted around this question I feel like we're two miles away from the answer but there would be yeah now the cost of living crisis has affected the community because people don't have the money that they used to but a few years ago yeah there'd be people there there'd be people who'd want to give you money as a treat which is something like you're doing great I'd love to support you as an artist there's a bit of you know little tip and go and treat yourself like your mother giving you a tenner when you call home yeah treat yourself to something nice and then there'd be people there who'd they'd want to give money for some kind of a thrill do you know is it thrill I suppose it can be different is it thrill that they're giving the money and that you have to take it as in like you're the person in the inferior oh no they're it's but in that exchange then you have to tell them to give you the money.