#54 Bad Bunnies and Mark's First Date... with a Woman

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0:43Denis:Yes, yes, yes, they are. Welcome to this week's episode of Your Internet Boyfriends. Hello, Mark T. Cox. Hello, Dennis Lyon. This week we're talking about red flags, Valentine's Day and Bad Bunny. and Dennis will be telling me all about how to win big this year at the Winter Olympics by having a big Mickey. Hey Mark, how are you? Hello. Are you good? I'm very obsessed. Why? Because you put on a very tight t-shirt and then you put this shirt on top of it. Because the t-shirt isn't ironed. The views were going to skyrocket. Well, I can get the breasts out again but the t-shirt's not ironed. Yeah.

1:15Denis:And if Lisa sees me with a t-shirt that's not ironed Yeah. We already had the debacle now of the tight trousers. Look at the size of these! These are new. Huge Yeah these are new Yeah They're nice Maybe after the break After the break what? I could show the breasts Okay yeah we'll get to one after the break I find if you put a t-shirt on And if you leave it on a while And you're hot The wrinkles fall out I think they have a little bit Do you know? Yeah I think they have a little bit Okay after the break Go on a little treat for them after the break So we'll bring those out Are you well? I'm good I'm very good yeah We had a lovely little shopping trip yesterday No We had a lovely little shopping trip at the weekend It was yesterday.

1:53It was yesterday, yeah. We did. I'm nodding because we made that little video and they're very excited. People lost their minds. Very excited. Absolutely. Lost their marbles. I think it's the first time someone messaged me. Well, they didn't realise the height of you. Yeah. Got very excited about that. They hadn't seen us in full scale standing beside each other in context of other people on the street. That's very exciting. He looks fairly delicious. Do you know when you have like a pop star that you are excited about when you're young and then you start to find footage of them like backstage or like behind the scenes?

2:35I think that's what's happened. I think it became very real for people. Yeah. Because you only see us inside this studio, right? In this fucking box. Oh my God. Do you know what I mean? We're going to be in this fucking box for another two hours. I know, but there's no reality to it. They don't know what size we are, who. they've never seen us standing up.

2:53Denis:Of course we had a lovely man following us around as well didn't we? We had lovely Declan. Yeah lovely Declan Kay was following us around. Yeah. And we weren't shy I'll tell you that. Yeah. But we also had another little comrade with us. Yes. Lisa was with us as well. Yeah. Keep an eye on what the kind of things you'd be putting on top of me and Yeah. Getting me to try on. There was a lot of us going around. How did you find it? I found I arrived as usual in a bit of a huff. Yeah. Did you notice that? I did, yeah. Just tired all the time. I'm sure Declan can agree there. You'd be fairly obvious when you're huffing and puffing.

3:30I don't know why. What was I doing? Where was I coming from? Oh, because I was giving a tour at nine o 'clock in the morning. Yeah. That's why I was huffing. Actually, lovely people, I have to say. They were nice. But I was huffing and puffing, and I think you all had a lovely leisurely morning, and I had been up since eight. I had been out of the house since eight. Parading people around Which we got to a bit early The night before anyway We got to a bit of two I'd say half two Half two yeah Half two the night before So yeah Just the general Jade It's kind of Operating off porridge fumes Just constant When I get a break But we settled in We went for LGBT coffees We went to the Common Press Was that your first time there?

4:13Denis:It was yeah I opened a book And it had a load of penises in it Oh it is Yeah It was nice Nice Yeah Do you know what's funny? When I open those books, right? I'm still there and I just say to myself, I'd hardly be a big penis in this one there. Open it up. First page, it's a penis. Big penis. Yeah. You wouldn't be used to it in the bookshops I'd go to, you know? What kind of a book? Like photography? Ah, yeah. It's a collection. I think it was called A Collection of Penises, so I don't know what I was expecting. Lovely. But yeah, it was great. So I had that in the morning and a coffee. And we were off.

4:43Denis:We were flying down the street. We went into a couple of vintage places. We're down in Brick Lane. It's hectic around there. Barry Well I don't know why We went At three o 'clock On a Sunday Like the busiest time Of the week Because the market is on It's all action There's people playing chess In the middle of the road I know There's a lot of action I know You think they could have Cleared the streets for us So we could go to the show Yeah I was tripping over people But We did well I just want to get down To one Well a couple of different Things A couple of different Yorks that happened So we were You know I was I was there with my advisor.

5:19Denis:And we did get into a little bit of a debacle on the trousers again, just want to go back to this. And I just, I feel like there was a real division. She still wants me in, you know, I won't say tight, because I have decided a little bit, like my jeans weren't that tight. But yourself and Declan were looking at me as if I was wearing speedos around the place. like. Yeah. But you go parachute then. You go very the other side. The straight man trousers have to go. And what are the straight man trousers for the people? Just in and around the ankles. Tied into the ankles. You know, too tight. Too small.

5:58But then there was a lot of excitement in the group and I'd say overall in the house, in the whole shop, there was one pair of trousers. Oh my God. Are they the trousers? Very, what can I say? I saw you in a different light. I saw myself in a different light. I was thrown.

6:17Denis:I was thrown back. Are we talking about the short trousers? Yeah. Oh, they're on a leaflet. It's phenomenal. It's not too much. Phenomenal. Can you tell us about the routine for the arse? Ah, the routine for the arse. What are we doing? Picking up things. Picking up things, putting them down. Yeah. Running around the place. Going upstairs, downstairs. Stair climber, stair machine. Stair machine, yeah. How to do that? Slow. Do two-step. Two-step. What do you mean, two-step? Like as in, you know, you skip one step. You don't, you don't, you do it two steps. You don't do one. Or out in the town, out and around.

6:49Denis:No, no, up in a stepping machine. Like, but you, instead of going on to the next step, you skip one. Okay. So you're getting a really hefty one into it. Lunging up. Yeah. Do a little bit of a pelvic tilt back then. Yeah. And drive it all in then. Magical. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's looking fresh. There was people, you know, gasping. Do you know? Yeah. In the shop. Yeah. I'm nervous now. I think it could distract. I think the regauts that we came away with yesterday which are not featured on the video that was released there are two secret outfits that haven't been released yet and I think they are phenomenal I got a lovely suit you did I felt great you did and you flirted a little bit at the counter as well and got yourself a discount I got a discount because I had a big hole in the shirt same as myself and yeah he was giving me nothing and then I think he took another look and was like oh yeah no he was he was yeah he wasn't paying attention yeah and he had a look then he looked up then and saw okay you got the discount I got the discount I would say then we came across you weren't here for this but I came across an extremely scary lady who I got a sandwich off of who is this oh the bagel shop I was saying sandwich so we'd hide the identity oh you can say it straight out I have a lot to say do you about the bagel shop oh really come on say it so I went in for a little bagel I never really had you know this this really traditional bagel before Yeah I went in there Oh lads that is an atmosphere You should bark your head off Oh my lord Do you know what she said to me?

8:22Denis:Yeah Get the fuck out How dare you fucking come in here Before I went up there right I said to I said to Lisa look I'll order right because I could see this fairly heated inside there right not that Lisa wouldn't be able to stand there two feet but I said look I'll take this one Yeah big man You take the next one I'll take this one and I'm rehearsing it in my head and then the woman in front of me goes can you um can you cut my bagel in half what can you cut my bagel in half that's the request she put in to the woman behind the counter yeah you cut my bagel in half and you know what she was met with i'm not doing that yeah fine and she's like sorry so i'm not doing it i'm not cutting your bagel in half and i was like oh no we're in we're in uncharted territory here yeah and then i went up to her and i did i flashed her the biggest smile i could and it kind of worked yeah And I said, can I have a bagel, no mustard?

9:11Denis:Okay. And she goes, no mustard? Yeah. Get some mustard and put some hair on your chest. I was like... Is she bullying you? Yeah. And I was like, I actually have three hairs on my chest. Yeah. And I was like, no. And oh, it's rattled. Absolutely rattled. She made a fool of me. Yeah. What else was in the bagel? The beef. Beef. Beef, gherkin. Yeah. Which is 30p extra. considering there was only one ingredient other than that and I had to pay 30 people the second ingredient. Yeah. You know, whatever. And then bagel, that was it. Yeah. Yeah. They're tough. But, you know why they're tough? Because that place is open 24 hours a day.

9:52Yeah. Can you imagine?

9:54Denis:Oh no, I will say, I had sympathy. Imagine what they deal with. It is a driving line of people constantly. Yeah. Right? And again, you know, I've worked behind counters I've worked in restaurants right yeah at the same time come on I know but this is just a little reminder if you're enjoying the podcast make sure to click follow on Spotify or you can leave a little review on Apple Podcasts thanks so much I think it's nearly I won't say it's intentional but there's no there's no intention there to change that like it's it's almost It's the character of like an East London shop. It's kind of, you get what you get.

10:38This is salt of the earth, whatever those phrases are. Like this is just everyday normal stuff and suck it up. And people, so I used to do a food walking tour. I've had 50 jobs. And I used to do a food walking tour of Shoreditch. And I used to have to bring tourists to that bagel shop on a Saturday afternoon at like two o 'clock in the height of summer with a queue down the street and God bless them, they're a little bit naive because they think they're on holidays and they're going to go and visit this nice tourist attraction and I would have to like pull them around the corner and say, right, don't fucking let me down here and don't, you know, figure out what you want before you go in and don't stop and you have to say your order nice and quick and get your money ready and like be quick because Panic?

11:29The panic. If you start fumbling, but if you start looking at the menu, it's screaming your head off. Oh, you did? Because you have to keep it going. You have to keep it going.

11:36Denis:You know, there's a chipper in, or a chip shop, or there was actually, it's closed down now. Lennox's in Cork. Have you ever been to Lennox's in Cork for any chance? Famous chip place. But you used to go in there and the guy would take, I think we've actually spoken about the podcast before, the guy would take, like, about 12 people's orders off the top of his dome and then repeat it to the kitchen. He'd take 12, repeat it back. If you messed up, he'd move to the next person? Yeah. You're gone? You're gone. You're gone? And you just move on? So if you're like, oh, gone. Yeah. And you're just, you're demoted.

12:07And they're kind of, they're busy enough. They don't need to be nice.

12:09Denis:They don't need to be nice. I don't know. I feel like I'm very, I feel like I'm completely on the wrong side of this. And I even know I'm on the wrong side of this. But at the same time, I'm just thinking of like, you know, a deli woman, like a deli woman in, in Sentra in Ireland. I know. And there's 400 kids. And they're all coming up. And she's like an octopus. and she's whapping fucking you know there's like wedges coming up and pots of fucking donuts and everything going everywhere and she gets it done and you know she can give him a little smarty smarty comments and whatever you know get up over here you know bollocks and you know whatever totally fine but I don't know like I mean I did see like yesterday's like people's days being like oh yeah they really cut you and you have like a beautiful couple if I had a tour I'd have a lovely couple there seven foot tall from Sweden and they've come dressed up nice to come on an alternative experience of London and get their head ripped off them trying to get a bagel.

13:06It's very funny. But then I'd have to stand and watch these 20 people eat their bagel which would take about 15 minutes because it's like way full of beef. Very awkward interaction just standing on the side of the road. People everywhere, people sitting on the road, bin trucks everywhere, shite all over the street. quite tense. And you don't even cook, do you? What do you mean?

13:30Denis:Like for bringing people on a food tour. Oh, I don't know. I learned what I had to say. I was about to say, I don't know anything. I learned what I had to say. Will you be making dinner this Valentine's Day? I won't. We're flat out. Valentine's this weekend is going to be spent in roses. It's the anniversary. I'm singing songs on Friday night. Tomorrow night. Is that tomorrow night? I'm singing songs and then there's like a private little event then as well during the weekend so I'll be there. There'll be no dinner cooked. We might get a pizza. Wait, is it actually Valentine's Day? Yeah. When is it?

14:08Friday, Saturday, 14. What day is it? Monday? Is it? Thursday? Who knows? Today is the... It's coming up Saturday. Ah, yeah.

14:18Denis:Would you be big into Valentine's Day? We do a little something, yeah. I get a little card. I get a little card maybe with two little cartoons doing hearts, holding hands. Oh, lovely. Something like that. Lovely. And a gesture. Wouldn't go mad. A gesture. Yeah. A small little present. Do you remember Valentine's Day like back in the day? Yes. Back in the school days? I do. There was a friend of mine, I won't name him, but he was madly in love with this girl. Oh. And do you remember Me To You Bears? Yes. Right? They're real. They used to cost fortune as well. Yeah. They were really expensive. And there was a little bit of competition all the time.

14:52Denis:Like, you know, you get the big red card from the local news agents, from Bertie's or whatever. Yeah. And then you get a Me Too You bear that would cost more than you could ever earn in like two months being a teenager. But he got her a tiny little Me Too You bear. Oh. And she got him the exact same Me Too You bear. Oh. But just three times the size. Oh. It's not bad. Swapping it over. That kind of set the precedent. That went around. Precedent. Only this small little bear. Have you ever gone all out for Valentine's Day? I've gone all out. I brought a girlfriend for dinner when I was about 14.

15:25and we had wine oh where I won't say it's closed down a restaurant in Ennis

15:30Denis:why can't you stay it's closed down Mark we have said much worse stuff but that's illegal but should they all know it it's not like you're not going to jail I thought I was a millionaire I went to Carrick Dunn and I bought a bracelet probably 70 euros how much did that cost oh sure I was working I had loads of money I was working since I was oh you were working 13 and 14 how the fuck are you but you're 13 but I had nothing else to spend it on no but I mean like what are you getting paid Plenty I don't know Enough We should No Should you even be working What are you doing Um Washing pots Washing pots Yeah I went to Cargdon Bought bracelet 75 euros And Went for dinner And Had a bottle of wine 200 euros Dropped 40 It's like I'm going to be gay This costs too much money That's an earning point This doesn't suit me at all Eating your lasagna You're going Fuck this Yeah Oh yeah I had a string of women I was very popular in primary school I used to make cards for the girls and I'd be dishing them out to a few of the girls I would yeah and I'd be getting them from the girls and sometimes from the girls in the class above Oh that's a big win Yeah and then I was told off the teacher he pulled me out into the corridor one day and he said calm it down with the girls cool it off I think he was expecting like a pregnancy in the school just Just calm it down.

16:55But sure, they liked me because I was gay. And we were like talking about pop music and whatever.

17:03Denis:A handsome fellow with all their interests. Yeah, great. They thought they'd made it. But yeah, I was told, take it easy. Go out and play a bit of football. Go out and get rid of some of that energy. Yeah, stay away from the girls. So coming back to your restaurant days? Yes. So was this booked? Oh, this was booked, yeah. It was probably, I can't remember what it was called. It was boom. This was Celtic Tiger. You were drinking white. Of course. Maybe I was four. I was 15, 16. Yeah, I don't know. A few years, yeah. Go on. Too young. Celtic Tiger, boom. Was it? No. Yeah. It would be. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

17:422004, 2005. Like boom times. Before the crash. Yeah, I got a little taste of what it is to be a heterosexual man. in the boom times. People were dropping 500 euros back then. Oh yeah, losing their minds. Cocktails, I remember that like this restaurant had cocktails and it had kind of like, it just had a bit of something. It had like kind of diamond in the doors and things. So everyone was going, but it was local.

18:11Denis:That's the funniest thing about all the boom stuff. Is that like, people were having these experiences in their towns. So it wasn't like, you know, you're in the middle of New York, right, and you go to some place that, has been known for 40 years. You're calling into Ruffles or something, you know? And it's suddenly cocktails. And it's like, you know, it says 75 quid for a lasagna or something. I have lovas. Yeah. So you rocked in. Yeah. And were you ordering for them or? We were, I don't know. No, I think it was fairly balanced. And did you dress up and everything? Dressed up nice, yeah. Wet look gel on?

18:43Denis:Yeah. And then did you get a bottle of wine or? I think so, yeah. And I'm sorry, but like, the fucking lad knows you. yeah she worked in the bar so he knows you maybe I was 16 no go away 17 but the lad in the bar no it's not where I worked yeah but it's tiny so like and it's the bar industry so they know you so they see you coming in yeah and you're like a bottle of red please champagne you won't come so I'm palooza champagne for everybody champagne for everybody 12 years old the organ player fucking living it up in Ennis yeah unbelievable I knew it if we talked about. I'm telling you, there are jewellery shops up and down the country robbing young fellas.

19:26Denis:Oh. Robbing young fellas. I had no clue. I think I bought a bracelet or something, but I hadn't a clue. So I was like, I'll just spend as much as I can. Yeah. So that'll be impressive. But that's how most men operate. They're like, I don't know what to do. So let me spend as much as I can and hope. I like that in a way, like your kind of gay brain hadn't fully formed that stage. So you're still like on the straight road of like, well, I'd buy a bracelet. And is it in a nice box and does it have a nice bag and will it look like important? Yeah. And then that'll impress. I'm just trying to think.

20:00Denis:Got out of that anyway. Got out of that, yeah. So would you not go for too much of that now these days? Like, you know. Oh, sometimes. I don't know. There's an awful lot of events. There's birthdays and Christmas and it comes around so often. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? You wouldn't want to be picking favourites either, I suppose. Oh. You have a lot of cards. Oh my God. You have a lot of cards to write. A lot of cards this year to write. No, I don't think I'll... Oh, God, don't start. Postman will be giving out to you. Hello to everybody. Hello to everybody right now. Who's listening? Sorry I didn't get anything sorted.

20:34Denis:It's non-stop. God, it's actually giving me a little bit of the fear of thinking about buying gifts. Have you organized? No, she doesn't like Valentine's Day. Oh. Yeah, she's not into Valentine's Day. Too corporate. Fist in the air. Is that a trick? No, it's not a trick. she's she's really not into it something not her thing yeah but it would have to be like absolutely tiny like a little tiny heart yeah little tiny bracelet little Pandora bracelet little small bracelet around the finger yeah would that be nice yeah yeah I'd say she'd love that she liked that one yeah yeah with a kind of a watch's face on top that sparkles that kind of thing yeah do you remember the rings with the watches they were good for a while were they you get a you get a watch on a ring all your money gone every week I really wanted to be rich I know oh my god I'm just trying to think back of any of my my like terrible Jesus there's just such a there's what is it called you know like such an earnest ness to it where you're nearly like trying to recreate a movie or something you know you're thinking you're some sort of mafioso or something you know but you go down and everything seems so big and yeah you're trying to impress them and have the meal and stuff and you must look like you're five years old do you know if you think about it now like i'd love to see yeah you know there is what is pencil mustache i know what i was wearing i probably had like i was in my emo kind of so there was probably like a black shirt and black trousers maybe like pinstripe maybe black pinstripe trousers oh wow we take a break we will okay

22:17Do you think if you didn't show up someday, could I just talk? Is this your soft launch of your internet boyfriend? Would it be enough?

22:28Denis:We had a recommendation during the break about gifts. Yeah, we were thinking about gift ideas. I've got some amazing ones for you. We're going to play a little game now. So you're talking about getting bracelets and stuff, But I think if you're, you know, looking for a lovely gift for someone, candles. Love them. People love candles. You love candles. Love candles. You know, you'd be a hard person to buy a candle for, though. You know, you'd want to get an extra special one. Yeah. But I might have a few for you, right? This is not an advertisement. Yeah. Okay. We just know these people. Yeah. And I'd like to draw attention to some of the products.