#55 Gay Housekeeping and Becoming a Horse

0:28And he pulled out a napkin. Late Night Romance

1:00Where is this? I don't know. On your phone? It's in France. Oh, you mean where am I watching it? Yeah. I was watching it on my sofa and I was watching TV. It's great. Lovely stuff. I love when I find something I watch. He's building a medieval castle and they can only use stuff that is three kilometres around where they're building the site because they're trying to find out like how they built all these castles. Right? Do you know how long it's going to take them? Oh, 10 years. 28 years. Right. And I kind of thought to myself, I said, look, go for it, right? Absolutely wonderful. but like do you think we might do you think there's something else we could probably do speed it up do you know and they're making a programme I don't know about it no like it was just a little little documentary about it like but I just kind of thought to myself I was like look I'd love to do this I'd actually I'm jealous of your job I think it's great I'm just not sure in 28 years time are they going to turn around and go lads thank god you did that like because we were lost we didn't we didn't know what we were and is the idea it's like just the project itself is interesting the process of it does he need a castle?

2:01I'd say no he's not short of a castle no she's loads of in France and he's doing it on his own or with a gang of doing it with a gang of people who have not been treated properly no no no is it legit? oh you mean he's doing real no I mean 100 % if I was doing it I'd insist on having peasants and everything oh full oh no full yeah medieval I'd be an antichrist because they actually said that if is it the plague? if you had the full oh yeah bubonic if you had a full like if you really were able to do this like back in the day you could probably do it in 12 years I think they threw things up in a few months sometimes because they had total control of everything and no one was able to complain or protest yeah no they 8 hour days 200 200 days a year I don't know what the hell they were doing the other 165 and you'd you'd get a little bit they'd work up to 3 o 'clock in the day then yeah because of the light and stuff but no light no light but look that's basically my my way have you heard about the project to save the Houses of Parliament.

3:00It's falling down. It's going to cost 40 billion, I think? Like, yeah, more. Who knows? Do you know the timescale? No. 60 years. 60 years to fix it? Yeah. Yeah, I get that. Because it's broke. I get that. And, yeah, it's all falling down. There's rats. And the politicians can't agree what to do because they need to get them out for a few years so they can just do the thing. But they won't leave because, you know, the nation will crumble if the House of Commons... Are you for... Get them out. Are you for rebuilding it? Get them out. Keep them out. Would you like to see it built into all its glory?

3:36I'd like to see it saved, for sure. But get them out. And those ideas of like, get them out, get them up into somewhere else. Put them up into Manchester for 10 years or somewhere. Balance it out. Manchester? Somewhere. Balance it out. Put them... It's miles away from all their massive apartments in Pimlico. Come on. there was another idea to put them out onto the river to build a floating parliament That's been an idea for a while Send them out to sea Get them out Sure, I don't even know who the Prime Minister is now There's What? When we're recording this there's rumblings Oh, yes, yes, yes Oh, I'm telling you I'm eating up newspapers Eating them up Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom I'm listening to everything I'm actually driving myself completely mad And Sky News is like breaking news Oh, Kay Burley's got the legs up in the air She is It's non-stop and like they just make drama from someone has just passed comment we have an urgent tweet has come in I don't know how they do it I really have no idea always urgent but I don't know how they do it how do you just stay there constantly going breaking news blah blah blah you know Mark's wearing a hat and then you have to say it again every 10 minutes how long can he survive and then they have the little report and then they get all these people in to talk about it in a casual way and then they have a news report about the debate that they just had Oh yeah, making news out of it.

4:54It has been reported this morning on Sky News. They're reporting about themselves talking. It's just very impressive. 24 hours a day talking. Absolute tripe. Yeah. That's why people are here. The news is, there's probably two or three minutes of news. But yeah, very exciting. Keir, who knows? RIP, TBC. Yeah, RIP, RIP. We'll wait and see. But yeah, so that's been my week castles and a little bit of politics troning. How about yourself? How are you getting on? I've been getting lost You what? I've been getting lost What does that mean? I've been getting lost In various situations And it's happened twice now In the last week or two The exact same thing has happened It happened last week When we were shopping I was in a dressing room Trying out All my clothes And then You know when you're like I need Another Size And you have to think Am I going to put on All my clothes again to go out into the shop and get the size because there's no helpers anymore.

5:53There's no staff. No. Like they couldn't care less if you live or die. So if you put on all the clothes and you bring all your stuff you're going to lose the little changing room. Yeah. There was a queue. So I said I'm going to just leave all my things in the little changing room and I'm going to sneak out in the socks. And I went for a quick little spin through the shop and you were there and I said will you get me this? and can i just say i don't know i was feeling an energy at that point where you said can you get me a different size than this and i i definitely i felt like we were in a relationship for about 45 seconds why where i i i felt like you didn't believe i was capable of going upstairs getting the right size you're like will you go get are you gonna be can you find us can you find a 34 a 34 waist and even when i came down oh they're very the sizes are all over the place.

6:46Sometimes. When I came down and gave you the 34. Yeah. Well, first of all, I couldn't find anyone because you were all gone because something happened to you. But I gave you the 34 and you go, did you get a 34? I know, I didn't trust you. It's like when my mother or something, you know, hands me something, she goes, don't drop it. Yeah. Oh, because that's what I was going to do. Be careful. But you got your trousers? I got the 34. The 33 was just a bit tight. There was a bit of a spill. There was a bit of a spill here. I felt like I was blind to that as well. You came out and you said, what are these like?

7:19And I said, they're perfect. Yeah. And you grimaced and you kind of. I just felt a little pinch, a little spill. So I got the 34 and then I went back and it was a very big shop. And there was probably 12 little changing rooms. And because I'm convinced everyone's going to steal my things all the time in London, I had slipped out and I had closed the curtain. I couldn't find my room. and I didn't know what to do. That's a disaster. Because there was, every curtain was closed and I couldn't tell which one was me. So I had to just kind of like, like an absolute pervert. Sure, you could hear shuffling.

7:59But they were all shuffling. But how do you hear the one that's not shuffling? Because there could be just a quiet person inside. So I just had to kind of pace up and down with an ear to the curtains, trying to see. and you can't even look under the curtain. And let me tell you, that's not a good look. Pervert and it's unisex. Mixed, mixed genders. I could have been arrested. I'd say you were, you were signaling gay man as much as you could inside there. No, as much as you could, like, right? Yeah. Last thing you want to be seen is a straight man. But I could walk in on a man. Listening. A straight man.

8:36I don't think that matters as much. I don't think it matters as much. It's not ideal. No, it's not ideal. It's done for ages. And then I just, Do you stick the head in? I had to kind of just go for it. Door number three. I was in the right one. You are? It was very stressful. I should have taken notes. And it happened again a few days ago because I had to go for a sexual health screening. Oh. Little regular little swab and a thing. Very stressful experience. Just the whole thing because I, trying to manage the pee, I find, trying to manage the timing of the pee because you have to pee into a cup so you have to be careful not to pee before you go and then you're there in the waiting room and you're not sure will I be able to pee now and how long am I going to have to sit here waiting and what if I have to pee before I get called in and then you have to do that little embarrassing thing to ask for like a an emergency cup to pee into and then you have to sit in the waiting room holding a pee waiting to get called because if you waste it then you can't get tested so that was all going on and i was flustered this is just a little reminder if you're enjoying the podcast make sure to click follow on spotify or you can leave a little review on apple podcasts thanks so much and then i went in and it was a clinic that i've not been to before for a long time and it was a big long corridor full of doors and I kind of got turned around and I went into the room and then she was doing all the talk and it's all just a bit stressful and she gave me my little tray of things and swabs and buckets to fill up and then I headed out and I flew down the corridor to pee and then I couldn't find the room again.

10:25I couldn't find my way back to her room. I found a nurse and he was like describe the person and I was like I don't know it's a woman with I don't know so we had to go knocking on doors we knocked on two wrong doors people inside in stirrups oh dear oh but anyway all fine okay good she sent me out the door you did you know don't have to go you didn't mention stirrups there is no I wasn't actually in the stirrups I think I sent you a photo of the stirrups you did yeah I wasn't actually in them I don't think they're for people with my oh right anatomy generally early. There's none of that. There's actually no looking anymore.

11:07There's nothing really. You do it all yourself. That's true. I went to the doc years back. I went to years back, right? To a very old, you know, hardy doctor. Yeah. And he came in. He said, what's wrong with you? And I said, look, I think it might just be a friction issue here. The willy. Yes, right, on the weapon, right? And I said, so I think it might just be a friction issue, okay? and I swear to God the thing started like the the thought of getting this out for this doctor oh it's it was like it was it was going away on me like I was like I'm gonna have nothing to show him oh it's up inside it's gone like you know into the burrow and I I was like oh here we go and I was like I was like you don't normally like this to be I know but you know what he made me do he made me do like a little almost like a little a little show like a little you know I was holding it oh do you know and then he'd say you know and turn it to the left oh yeah but you know you can't do it without being a little it's quite like it looks a little dramatic yeah you know he's like up down left right to the left again oh he didn't go near you he's like left left right you know that game he used to play before where like you know arrows like dance mat twist it I was very good at that yeah he did that okay he did that yeah Was this like back in the day?

12:32It was back in the day, yeah. Remember doctor's offices, you sent, they didn't really feel like clinical. They felt like there was books. Yeah, that's true. They were very housey. That's true. No, actually where I was in Mallow, they had like a GP, which was in a bungalow. Yeah, a house. And you'd call in there and they'd have built the stuff into the rooms. And the waiting room would have been a living room, whatever. And then they moved out to like a big medical centre. And I mean like the medical centre is great. It's really, really good. Yeah. That's really funny because I just, I, it was like going into a doctor's house.

13:05And they'd be like normal furniture, like not, not sterile wipeable things. No, but I guess that's probably better though. Yeah. Have I ever told you the story about the, no I have, have I, have I told you the story about the lad coming into the, into the doctor with his elderly couple? I don't think so. Have I not told the story in the podcast? Tell it again. Oh Lord, strap yourself in, right? So there was a friend of a friend and he was a doctor. It's happened a couple of years ago. Oh, I'm just wondering, should I? Go on. I will. Lad comes into him and he said, I have a problem down below, like an older man.

13:47Is there a problem down below? And he said, oh, what seems to be the story like? And he says, oh, it just doesn't seem the same anymore, you know, blah, blah. And he said, okay, well, sure, give us a look. Yeah. And he said, oh, well, I have it here. And he pulled out a napkin. What fell off? And there was the top of it. What do you mean? That's not true. That's not true. What do you mean? And then he said, could you put it back on? Right? I don't believe this. This is a doctor. Who told you this? A doctor. Some lad in a pub. I swear. I swear this is a true story. Right? And then he goes, you know, can you put it back on for me?

14:25Right? and the doctor was like no like I'm afraid like this is this is unfortunately gone like you know and then his wife goes I told you you should have gone to the doctor sooner oh what could that be I'd say something bad unfortunately something bad god that's why I might cut this out okay well if you have any problems I would get them checked urgently you know wait okay that's it for this week so you're at the clinic so there's one thing one thing that we were talking about was stirrups yes yeah which would be oh do you want to hear about the the party is that what you're asking yes so I've heard about a thing yeah which I asked you about said you might you might explain it to me right called I won't even say what it's called there's oh but it's such it's the best name ever no there's an event there's can I just say we've come a long way in the LGBT community and there's something for everybody.

15:27And when you're in a city like London, I'm just every week surprised of the diversity of cultural offerings in the city. Spoiled for choice. You really are spoiled for choice. And I feel like, did you hear what I just said? Choice. Choice. You're spoiled for choice. Absolutely spoiled for choice. London is the biggest city I've ever been in. Spoiled for choice. I met a man the other week and he spoke Irish to me and I spoke back and I was like excellent he said where are you from I said oh Thomas come to an clore I was like oh there's something inside me sometimes trying to come out smile for choice yeah real art spoiled for choice and there's there's an event for everybody and there is a lot of very niche nightlife venues that I'm only becoming aware of and there's one and it's equestrian themed that's been I think it's actually been around for a long time but it's only just come into my attention recently and I haven't been but I might go I'm a bit scared but essentially

16:37you go along and you have to book a ticket and you have to decide what job you want in the party like if you were in the horse market the horse fair the mart would you like to be the stallion or would you like to be the mayor or would you like to be the stable boy who kind of looks after the horses mucking out and it's a bit like going to the mart do you know the way they have like basically the same it's like the mart and mallow where the mayors are kind of like paraded around and then the stallions kind of are brought in and they take their pick I suppose but instead of horses it's homosexual people

17:26I mean go on so that's it so your book ticket I think what's funny to me about all this is like the organisation it'd be the horses for me but it's the organisation involved that someone has to set up a website and set up all the ticket links and do the calculations because you can't have too many mares or too many stallions. You have to make sure you sell the right amount of tickets. And then it's very strict that they can't see each other as they're arriving. Are you wearing like an actual horse mask? You're wearing, no, but you're wearing something, you're wearing like a hood or something so you can't see.

18:10So the idea is if you're a mare, you're brought into the mart and that's it. Is there, that's free for all. Is there a race? Well This is what I heard There's a bit They're very excited And there's a bit of a stampede To get the good ones Are we on all fours? No Could be Well I mean Like the mayor's probably No it's not fully It's not It's not totally like Acting No It's only It's a loose So there'll be no It's a loose There'll be no like No I don't think so No it's a loose It's a loose theme But I mean it's great Fantastic Yeah get your kicks but it's the it's the someone there with the spreadsheet kind of calculating the amount of people and the clipboard and you have to arrive at a certain time because you can't see the stallions aren't allowed to see the mares because they get too giddy and they'd be hopping yeah hopping I think it's fantastic and you did you mention there did you say it's a mask so oh yeah so you can't see so you have to be brought around so your stable lad would bring you around and look after you and then if you need a break they'll bring you out for a bit of hay.

19:27Isn't it great? Isn't it just great that London is big enough that there's enough people no matter what kind of thing you want to do there's enough people to fill it up. But is there the stable boy? Yeah. What's their job? Minding I suppose bringing round and making sure everyone because you have to make sure everyone's happy and looked after. Are they getting... I don't know if they're going in. I don't know. Are they like helping the stallion in or... Oh, yeah. Holding it. I don't know. Yeah. You know? God. You know? Yeah. And so... I'd love to go. I'm scared. I'd be scared I'd be recognised.

20:08And I'd have to start talking. That's what puts me off going to anything like that. Some fucker would come up and start talking about the podcast. Would you have a mask on? No, I wouldn't. Only the mares have the masks Oh really? Look at the rice I thought they all had masks on No, should they be all banging into each other? Oh wait The mares are fucking blind The stallions can see The mares have to give in No, but I just thought they were wearing masks to hide their identity The mares can't see anything No, you can't see That's the point Blind horses Yeah Oh dear Oh dear That'd probably be a stallion as well Anyway But I'd have someone come up asking me questions about you or the podcast That's what happens Give me a second Give me a business card Oh dear The business cards are flying I'm dishing them out and I'm starting to see them places and I get excited I go into a shop and I'm like oh my god and I forget that I put them there yeah leave one on the mirror alright I feel like we've lost a lot of listeners now I'd say we've gained them we take a little break yeah okay good

21:39there's someone now sitting in the car driving from Limerick to Galway. And they said, I heard about this lovely show. We put it on. Yeah. The Dirt. This, I would say of all the episodes, this is not the one to lead with. Can I just apologise to the lovely girls. It's about to get worse as well. What are we talking about now? Or better. We're talking about our favourite cultural phenomenon that's happening at the moment, which is Heated Rivalry. Oh It's coming to Ireland Well I've two Wait There was a lookalike competition And I missed it In Soho Like two weeks ago And I couldn't go Because I was booked To do something else And I didn't hear anything about it Or see any pictures of it Or anything But I thought maybe We should do that At another time Maybe when season two comes out Do a little like NHL Yeah Do like just a gathering But there is A TG Cather Irish language I don't know, is it a film?

22:43Or short film? Or show? I think it looked like a short film. Small film. Called, is it Ar Gleitha Fane? Do you know what that means? Ar? Gleitha Fane? Fane? Fane? What, like our game or something? Our own game. Our own game, yeah. I think that's what it's called. And it's Irish football, GAA, love story. Probably not the first, but it's just getting a bit of attention because there's a bit of talk around queer people in football and stuff. Is it a...

23:22Huh? Is there scenes? I don't know, actually. I don't know. I'd say it's more the romance. But I heard a lovely thing on the radio last week. Is it Brendan O 'Connor? He hosts one of those shows on RT. And someone had wrote in a letter and he was like an older man. who's like married and has kids and probably in his 50s or 60s. But he wrote this big long story about how he had a romance with someone from another parish, another football team for like two or three years and no one knew about it. Very common. He is right, right? It's very common in the West of Ireland. It's all that to and fro and stuff.

24:03Yeah, back of the bus. Big looking men running around the place. Yeah, buckling into hotels up to Croke Park So it'd be a bit a bit hairier than Heated Rivalry Do you think? Yeah Yeah A bit more milky Do you know Irish No Do you know Irish Irish men does it does it does it does it milky What you mean like skin Skin wise Yeah yeah It'd be like a bit more earthly right Yeah Be a lot more like There'd be a shower scene with like a squeezy bottle of Lynx shower gel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like in Heated Rivalry they were in these quite posh hotels and the little but like this would be a dressing room in, you know, Drummond or something, you know.

24:50And the old caretaker outside the broken window looking in and you know. Very common. Is it common? It's very common. Very common. Yeah. It's very sad. Even now I could list I could list off a load of people that I know. I won't. No, don't. But yeah, it's very common because you just you kind of have to decide do I want to keep playing the sport or do I want to come out and loads of people just put it off till because like in sport you're not really active for that many years if you're going to win the county final or whatever it's probably going to happen yeah by the time you're 25 or 30 you know so I think loads yeah loads of people just decide to just keep it quiet and then it goes on for so long they just don't bother they will come out very sad what do you think the what do you think the the motivation is towards not accepting that not coming out no no as in like no I'm talking about the other side like as in the people who wouldn't accept that it would make it hard for them to come out like where's the it's an honest question like where's the where's the motivation to make those people feel like they can't do that yeah I think there's just not that many examples so it's just kind of it's just stuck in a loop because I'd say to be fair people who have come out generally get relatively celebrated and there's usually I think it's getting much much better and clubs are supportive and like if there was just an avalanche if everyone just came out now next week there's kind of no way to avoid it and it would have to be tolerated but if you've never you've never seen it then there's a bit of a joke around it and just gets stuck it's stuck in the loop in the men's now in the women's it's much better actually that is such a lovely idea I think that if you could pick a day in the year everyone come out where everyone came out yeah that'd be so much fun and then no one's like having to be the brave one because now everyone's still very brave very brave to come out there's only a handful of GAA players gay like out gay I don't know is there Dunlogue but yeah he must be one of the first one of the first and look at all the fuss he had to deal with and all the crap loads of crap loads of hate thrown at him still it's getting better but things like this just will push the Do you think there could be a role for you in this Irish heated rivalry?

27:19I'd love to do a cameo so maybe if they won the county final and they decided to go to Panty Bar for a few drinks and I could be there singing Oh yeah you'd be the entertainment As myself Yeah That'd be great You could cause a rupture between them Or if they got married I could sing at the wedding I'm singing in a lesbian wedding in Dublin I don't know why I just presented my knee sorry I'm doing a striptease I'm doing a lesbian wedding in April oh yeah yeah I can't wait I'm available for bookings so yeah maybe if season two if it all went well and they got married I could be there singing yeah yeah but more of it just more of it TG Carr are great they often are ahead of everyone else in the drama what's the Irish for gay?

28:08I don't know gay? gee I don't know is there a word? yeah I go okay I don't know do you know what it's probably some antiquated fucking terrible you know what I mean? yeah but they are good they really have they push they push topics in the drama but it never gets seen because loads of people don't connect if it's in Irish language but I think this is going to because Irish language is trending and gay stories are trending this could this could be internationally quite popular and the most important thing is that if there's any premieres that we get invited oh god yeah I'd love to go along but following on from that as well there's a very important question that was kind of posed to me and I didn't have any answers for it so I'm going to I'm going to to ask you and again if you are completing your journey to Galway at this stage I hope you haven't introduced your loved one to the podcast for this episode yeah but so someone wanted us to tackle the conversation around douching

29:20why are you looking at me like that? we just had a conversation about how we're meant to talk about things and you looked at me as if douching right I've just heard some phrases and stuff this person was wondering what what's there's I don't know what I'm talking about I'm going out here hoping that these are even real things go on what what would you like to know at festivals oh is there is there is there like is it a a douching area rice for I find I find

30:01and so the problem there's a lot of gay relationships on the television and they don't really address the reality that if you've just been playing the county final you've had a big lunch you're on the coach to the stadium you're getting changed you're playing the match you're having showers you're going for pints six pints of Guinness you're in Panty Bar Mark T. Cox is performing back to the hotel knock on the door there's no romance happening there because the body okay and I want to see the film that addresses it because it's never addressed. The body wouldn't allow it. Do you know what I mean?

31:02Because it's just not going to work. Okay. Big dinner six pints of Guinness. So the spontaneity issue then is that an issue? Or do you just say hey how do you announce sorry I had the chicken supreme earlier I had a chicken and mushroom from Volavond.

31:28And I had three pints of harp. It's not going to work. Okay. Check out early. And it's just never... Wait, I still don't understand. But it needs to be talked about because then you have all these young people and all these girls especially get not excited about these TV shows and all this lovey-dovey romance and they don't know that there's preparations involved and there's a bit of housekeeping to be done. But what I'm talking, what I was talking about is slightly different than that, was it? Like as in, that's like, we can't do anything about that, right? No, no, we can. But there's housekeeping.

32:09Yeah. There's a tidying up to be done. And it's just never. And when does that happen? You'd want to do that now about half an hour, an hour before the romance. So wait, if you went on a night out Oh, it's It has to happen Went on a night out, went back, whatever You'd be risking it You'd be risking it But sure, I'm like Does everyone, how do you say it? Like, do you say, hey, I'm gonna Yeah, you say, I'm going to just slip to the ladies room To the douche bar And, yeah, it's a mess yeah because you don't know how long that's going to take and it really kills the mood so I just wish it was addressed more I wish there was a scene I'd love to see a film I would I don't think I've ever seen a film acknowledge the reality of Douche Fane homosexual romance Douche Fane Douche Fane Mark T.

33:16Cox's short film do you know what I mean because it would it would actually really like open people's eyes it's interesting it's something I definitely haven't like it's one of these things where you put the whole puzzle together and then you kind of say oh yes I recognise those pieces now from different things they don't show but that's actually surprising because that's something I didn't really click with that like this would have to be first part yes the Guinness and all that get that right the ball of ons but like if you're that half an hour prep yeah you're in the shower for 25 minutes very different sometimes very different so you'd really really want to be locked in too right you gotta time yourself you gotta know okay I'm going I'm going out later I'm gonna plan this and that and plan your times if you're talking half an hour an hour you go in you go can't find my douche um oh you don't I mean that wouldn't happen how would you not find it you can improvise do you know what I mean oh they're glad shoveling showers up there are em what shoveling showers wow I would like to see that film on TG Cahar no do you think yeah I'd like to see it okay I think we have to go phenomenal I think on that note what date is it all it's the end of February yeah the show is very soon how are you feeling fantastic can't wait I just need to make sure I'm prepared there's a lot of people there's so many people there's celebrities coming did you see the list of there's a few big names is there up in the all the VIPs yeah no there's a ton of people going 200 oh god yeah five of my family where will we go next ah supposed to have to go back home for one yeah Glore Glore I'd love to do Glore absolutely love it Cork Laura's very big.

35:19I think Laura's 500 people. No problem at all. Okay. All right. Bye-bye. Okay, that's the end of that now. Thanks for listening to Your Internet Boyfriends. You can watch this full episode back in HD on YouTube. And we'd love to hear from you. If you want to drop us a message with your news or your saucy stories, you can get us on Instagram or TikTok, talk or you can email us at your internet boyfriends at gmail.com off we go now very busy bye bye bye bye bye bye