#57 Fake Tan Drips, Glass Toilets & Punch The Monkey

0:00I want to sit down. I want to look at men. Nice. And I want to... What would you eat in Madrid?

0:09Denis:Just a ham. Welcome to this week's episode of Your Internet Boyfriends. Hello, Mark T. Cox. Hello, Dennis Lynn. This week we're talking about small monkeys, hotel bathrooms and living with style. And I'll be promising to get more involved in Dennis' heterosexual life. I'm rolling up the sleeves. He's rolling up the sleeves. He's just decided to not talk to me. I find when the blouse is nice and fitted, I find the sleeves to be here. You have another sleeve to go now. I have two sleeves, yeah. That's another 30 seconds of silence. I find the sleeves to be too short. It's a curse. Yeah. I'm not allowed to roll the sleeves up past the elbow.

0:50Denis:Right. That's the direction that's been given to me and actually I like it. You go more kind of labourer. I go this way. Yeah. You're going home to the wife After a hard day Oh yes And I say Put on my dinner Yeah I put them up here And then look at that illusion No illusion They're biceps Big old biceps Look at that illusion Is there a little bit of a drip there On the arm somewhere A little bit of a dark drip Is there What's going on there Did you Got a bit of colour Bit of colour Just one bit of colour I got a little bit of colour here So I was doing the tan We're in the public eye More than ever Yes we are I'm stressed out of my mind I have to look good people keep texting to say they've seen me around and we're doing photo shoots and we have the show tonight and so I was doing the tan and what I like to do with the tan I like to spritz it spritz it onto the face and you have to lift up the hair and you spritz in here and then you put it around the face and then you leave it for maybe two hours but I had a leaky bottle Bad news So I was spritzing spritzing and I didn't realise it was dripping all onto my hand and all onto my breast Look at here.

1:58All the chest is all drips. So I have a small little bit.

2:02Denis:You just, because you're so pale like myself, you just look a bit dirty. I'm just dirty. I have just a drip all the way down my neck and I can't, there's nothing I can do. A little brown sauce. Yeah, but the face looks good. A question. Well, you know what? I have loads of questions. I have a bone to pick with you though. I have a big old bone to pick with you. But before that, do you wear makeup? No. I'd put a small little bit of concealer if I had a spot or something. Okay, all right, okay. But no, not all over the face. Declan, do you wear makeup? Every day. Okay, yeah, great. Like, what's the, I might have to repeat what you're saying just because it's, but what's the regime?

2:38Just a bit of tinted SPF. Oh, tinted SPF. Just a little bit of rosacea. The rosacea.

2:45Denis:Would you ever get into a bit of tinted? I'm trying to avoid it because it's another thing I have to buy. And honest to God, I have about 45 products now. Yeah. For all the different things that I have to do. I started another one. My new one is zinc. are you on the zinc? I'm on the zinc someone said it's good Lisa wouldn't believe me that there was a potential that you would be wearing makeup oh I wouldn't I wouldn't I wouldn't be like shocked but I think people think because I look so good I must be is that the reason? here here I'm born to make it to you right this has happened numerous times and today it happened again and I'm sick of it absolutely sick of it right what's wrong?

3:24Denis:how come if you spot a good looking gay man I have to interact with that but if I spot a good looking woman you just go hmm and won't interact with me on it say it again so if you spot you go oh look at him he's got a big nice arse yeah I have to interact with you and go yeah he does that's a nice arse he has or whatever and we look at the handsome gay person yeah but if I say oh look at her she's hot yeah you won't interact I'd want to yeah but you but you place a judgment on it. You go, oh, you stop oogling her. That's what you're saying to me. Oh, yeah. Do you know? Because you're, oh, I see.

4:04Yeah. Because I'm judging you for being a, for objectifying the women.

4:07Denis:Yeah, but every time we're in a car today, you go, that's one of mine. He was lovely. Oh, he was very nice looking. Oh, he was so nice. Yeah, yeah. And a little dog. Did he? No, or the one at the coffee stand. The moustache guy. He was lovely, yeah. Yeah, the gentle moustache guy. If you live in and around, where was that, Farringdon? Yeah. And if you were getting a coffee about two hours ago. I suppose it's because I don't yeah, I don't want to. Are you saying I need to make more of an effort in the friendship? I think you need to make more of an effort on my side but not worry. I think you're worried.

4:42Yeah.

4:43Denis:I just think it's funny. You think what you're doing is totally fine, right? I know. Looking at him. I'm having, and like, look, there's a different, we're not staring, it's a little look. It's a little look from a distance. Like an admiration, like, you know, like, ooh, look at her. It's a different thing, isn't it? Yeah, but you could... It's a different thing. I think two men looking out the window at a woman. Understood, but it's not like our faces are pressed against the window. I think these debates become so horribly one-sided. It's funny. You're like, I mean, it's not as, you know, like if we're pressed up against the window now, licking the window, you know, we can't be doing that.

5:15Denis:That's not what we're doing. But it's okay if it's to a man. But it's fleeting. It's fleeting. Okay, I'll keep an eye out. Was there someone today? Did I dismiss it? no it was yesterday where I said it politely I said oh what's going on there and this lovely girl went past and you just go I probably didn't even see her no I mean you weren't even interacting oh yeah but I definitely said it before I said oh who's she she's cute we were at some show I said oh she's cute and you just you were like oh no god call the guards well it's not about me maybe that's true yeah I suppose oh yeah I'll keep more of an eye out yeah just get involved I do still often think it's just incredible how there could be a man behind me behind a wall behind me and I'd still sense it.

6:00I don't know how you don't have whiplash. I don't know how I do it.

6:03Denis:Do you remember we were sitting down yesterday and we were in we were actually in another room we were in a meeting room. Yeah. Oh that he was lovely oh he was a big man. And you whipped your neck around and you'll do it in the middle of just talking to me as well you're just like I know because I'm often getting sick of because we're working and planning and we do nothing we just do it on the hop. Do you know or you know what I find as well is when we're walking along the street I get pulled into your flirting in the street. That always happens. Yeah. But it's actually it's nearly something to do.

6:35Denis:Yeah. You know so you're walking along you see like some you know guy or whatever and you both check each other out blatantly as you do. Yeah. Or just jump in as well. Have you noticed that? Yeah. Okay I'll be more conscious. I think do you know what I'm right. You're right. And I could vomit. What? You're so wrecked. At any minute, we... I feel like... I do need a bucket. We got that taxi. We're flying around. I'm dragging bags. I'm back to this. I swore I left Edinburgh Fringe last year. And I said, never again am I going to be dragging bags. You turned up with an Ikea bag. And what did we do?

7:19We only sold out a big show. And we've planned the whole thing. and we've loads of shite so there's been a lot of dragging it's great but there's been a lot of dragging so we've had to get taxis the driver the driver has been booked I can't sit in a car

7:35Denis:I didn't feel well in that taxi we discussed it but I thought it was just a meme I thought it was just like a conspiracy but there's something about electric cars sitting in the back of an electric car they just make you feel and I love like when I was small I used to love sitting in the back of a car for as long as I want I'd love it and now I just if it goes over that like 15 minutes I'm gone I don't like it either I'm puking puking no I think it was also because we were probably on our phones playing Snake and stuff is that it? yeah no it's definitely the phones but it's also the electric car so something about I don't know maybe we're not getting the same feedback that we're used to in like a normal car or something it's like the and every speed bump I wanted to just I put on tight trousers after I thought I was going to get sick yeah Yeah, he was nice.

8:22Denis:Muhammad, his name was. Yeah, he was nice, yeah. And I think he sensed we were demented because we had been to the venue and we were bags. He did, yeah. And he put on Classic FM. What? Cam, Classic FM. Why did he ask us if we wanted to? Like, we were in there for about five minutes and then he goes, do you want me to change the music? And I think he meant like, do you want me to put on rave music or something? Like, he definitely felt an energy off of us. I liked the cam. It was like piano. And then there was like a lullaby. And then he went to sleep. Yeah. Only for that was getting sick. Yeah.

8:56Denis:Anyway, I was meant to have rested the past weekend, but honestly, it was an ordeal. Went away for a few days. Oh, your secret escape. Yeah. Yeah, went away for a little romantic few days. Just a little hotel, you know, nothing special or whatever. Got a nice deal. Love a deal, right? I need all the hotel developers out there to just sit down and stop what they're doing. Stop putting bathrooms with windows into the middle of hotels that couples are staying in. Say that again. So you go into a hotel now and they see it fit to put a glass box in the middle or the side of the hotel room where you go to the toilet.

9:43So there's glass between the toilet and the bed. Yeah, but it's not frosted. I see it. Why? Because you're supposed to have a bath and beckon your lover.

9:52Denis:How many baths are you going to have over four days? You know what you're going to be doing in there. Yeah. And then you either, one, have to go find, you know, the secret bathroom that lives in the hotel somewhere. Down the lobby. And then also, you know, look, I don't know about you, but I like, I don't like to, I don't like to acknowledge any of that stuff. Oh, the functions. Yeah, I've gone, you know what, I've done different versions of it in relationships. I've tried to be like the really open person. It doesn't matter. Do you know what? I don't like it. Yeah. I actually don't like it I was like I'm too progressive I'm bringing it back You want to be discreet but are we talking about the bodily functions?

10:25Denis:Yes Keep it alive a little bit I'm not into the So you have a big glass wall Is there not a little little blind that you can bring down? No nothing I bet there is I am telling you no I was there long enough and in dire need of it that there is not So you feel great And you know it's annoying Do you know it's annoying right? Because the girls get away with it Oh Because think about it right If the girls go in and they go for a pee to sit down. Ah, stop. Well, no, well, they do, right? If they go in for something else, they sit down. We're not watching. We're not watching, but like, this is a small hotel room, you don't know how bad this is.

11:03Denis:Right, but I'm just saying, guy goes in, stands up, we know what's happening, it's a louder sound as well. There has to be blind. There is not a blind. I guarantee. Declan, isn't this true? This is just a little reminder, if you're enjoying the podcast, make sure to click follow on Spotify or you can leave a little review on Apple Podcasts thanks so much yeah but if you could have a sit down wee but this is what I'm saying if you're not if you're not a man who commonly takes a sit down wee I'd often you'd often? I would often yeah but then I go on the phone you go on the phone that's bad for you I know it's very bad for you very bad yeah very careful you'd sit down wee a lot?

11:44Denis:sometimes yeah what I'm like do you not think do you not think that See I feel When you do that though You can cause other I know that's what I mean You have to be careful But I would say There's probably a button there now You didn't know about That turns that glass frosty I could ring the hotel right now And they'll tell you There isn't 100 % God So you have to do a bit of I'm going out there for a walk And you could slip into the The lobby bathroom Yeah No What I said was If you want to get dressed there No I'll go for a walk Oh Take your time getting dressed Take your time God almighty yeah yeah I don't like to acknowledge do you know what I hate my friend just moved out of a house and she had you know I think it's a fairly London thing in the ex-council flats where they would have two separate rooms they would have a bathroom which has a bath yeah and then they have a little toilet which just has the toilet tiny little room just the toilet yeah so you have to announce I'm going into this toilet to just go to the that's it yeah And I'm going to be there as long as I am.

12:48I hate it. I want to go into the bathroom and no one knows. I'm having a shower, I'm washing my hair, who knows what I'm doing.

12:53Denis:That's what I'm talking about. You know, you want the mystery to kind of stay in there, right? Why did they build them like that? Those flats? Because they were, oh, the flats, I don't know. I'd say they were just turned into like different things afterwards. No, they're built like that. It's a council, it's a very like after the war, 50s, 60s council design. I think it's for families. So when you have all the children in the bath, someone else can use the toilet. You wash the TB off the kids You're very like, then the toilet is just the toilet. Do you know what I hate as well? A toilet like off a public room.

13:25You know, like if you're at a house party or something and there's a toilet directly off the living room.

13:30Denis:I'm just going in here to do a big piss. Through the kitchen. Yeah. I hate those as well. And everyone knows and they're fully aware how long you've been inside. Going in here to do a big piss. Do you know I hate it? The downstairs toilet and everyone you're like. Oh, I think this is a bit more of before, but maybe it still happens especially in country houses it guarantees it happens out in Ennis is you go into someone's house and you go downstairs and then you hear a roar but you've already maybe done what you came here to do and you hear the shower no they say downstairs is only for number one that's too late you're like what yeah it wouldn't have the pressure why or something and you're meant to go upstairs but you can't go upstairs or whatever and then you're just stuck down what do you do in that situation fix it there's some houses you wouldn't go up the stairs they'd be a bit private oh yeah yeah yeah some posh houses you wouldn't go up into the not even posh just a bit miserable I think I think my house was a was a stay downstairs place for most how many bathrooms I'm not sure like this back in the day I probably have 40 bathrooms in your house 3 bathrooms 3 bathrooms how many rooms is in my house in my parents house remember now like my dad worked in the posh office right 1 2 1 2 two, three, four, five rooms downstairs.

14:46Denis:Oh, God. A bathroom and then three bedrooms upstairs and two bathrooms. Oh, my. And ensuite. Yeah, ensuite, yeah. We don't need the one. En suite. Bathroom, or the bath upstairs, not connected to any plumbing. Yeah. They turned the downstairs into a wet room, which is freezing with no pressure in the shower. Never use it. Yeah. And then upstairs, they have a half-working shower. Did you have a Moira? A who? A Moira. What's a Moira? The electric shower. Oh, yeah. we did step into a Moira yeah step into a Moira did you I know we're we're on a roll now this is three in a row did you have a bidet no we had one bathroom no we're very nice simple house you'd only one bathroom we're bungalow one bathroom no no like no tacking on a master suite or anything no no yeah very just simple house no stairs I always wanted stairs keeps the knees fit you know that keeps it young the knees yeah yeah keeps it going how did we get on to that or the hotel so what were you doing fighting no we were we were okay like but we just had to make we had to make room for each other it was just a lot oh I tell you what though we got into a big fight with one of the I'll try and keep it less specific but we got we got into a fight basically with the guy who works in the hotel reception right yes so unbelievably rude we were just asking them for a simple request like really really nice just it was basically kind of we're asking them but like, what is the story?

16:15Denis:Like, let check out, can we get a let check out just for like an hour or something, whatever? If there's a fee, does it fee? You know, just tell us. He dismissed us, right? And he was, I can't deal with you, I can't deal with you, you know, roaring at us and stuff. And we're just like, okay, there's no one there. I'm like, okay. And then he gets on the phone and he's calling someone and then he comes back out to us and he said, what's your problem? Right? And we were like, oh, our problem is like, we just want to know about let check out, whatever. He goes, well, I can't deal with you, and he runs off again, right?

16:40Denis:so he goes nuts and he does all this stuff to us and i'm looking and lisa is oh she's getting ready right she's charging up so i'm looking at the guy going like oh you're in for it so i'm standing there guy uh uh basically then we want what we want to do is we want to leave our luggage right so i said oh look uh it's okay with the day checkout or whatever like but can we leave our luggage and he goes i can't do that you have to wait for someone else where he's doing nothing and i'm just like and i just said to him i said look can you just you know just try and help us like you know maybe like just not to have this aggro you know like you can just help us and he goes and he goes nuts again anyway lisa rose rose in starts giving absolute socks right and then he does this thing which i'm well used to where he looks at her he's talking over her constantly he looks at her and kind of gives her that you're a crazy woman look and then he looks at me thinking and I'm going to agree with him.

17:35Denis:Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he starts explaining to me and then I just said to him, I said to him, if you think I'm going to agree with you, you're nuts. And I was like, you're being extremely rude. And he went bananas. But he thought I was going to side. I'm like, who am I heading home in the car with? Yeah. Do you know? Who am I going to be driving two and a half hours with? You're supposed to be his bro. Yeah, and he was like, oh, silly woman. And I was like, I'm driving home. Look, to be honest, right? If I was driving home for two and a half hours, maybe I would have agreed with him yeah it's nuts oh why like why the aggro I don't get it you were gonna bond yeah yeah no I was man to man over you're a crazy chick yeah yeah get your woman in line man wow yeah but he got some land and what'd you say you're being extremely rude I did what a phrase I said you're being excuse me sir I said it really lightly it was hilarious I just said I just said look if you think I'm going to agree with you no I'm not so you're being extremely rude and he went You've hurt my feelings You went insane God you're a big strong man Aren't you tough?

18:37Denis:I wouldn't do it I don't think No I was being assertive You have to do it though I have to do it since I'd huff and puff Ah wait a minute What are you talking You do do it I do I don't know if I would Call it out So directly though I gave him I gave him a numerous Amount of chances Of being Of talking to him At this speed This level Yeah And that's all I didn't roar at him I just said like I just think you're being Extremely rude It can go so It can go so dramatically wrong and another place would just say yeah no problem just take the bag but there was nothing he wasn't even giving us answers but I think with you you I think you you huff and puff the leg kind of stomps did you see me this morning?

19:14Denis:you give a leg stomp oh I was stomping this morning and we won't say anymore no we won't say anymore will we take a break? there's a lot of people we will yeah okay

19:32Hello, we're back. We are back indeed. Do you know what? Do you remember about, I'd say six months ago, I was complaining about my eyes. I went to Specsavers. I got the test. There's nothing more belittling and humiliating than going into that tiny little room and having this person poke you and blow air into your face and ask you, can you read these little letters? But you know what? You know when you read the little letters on the chart and they they show you the good like the best option so you can read all the letters and then they change it and they say can you read the letters but sure you know what the letters are because you've seen them so I'm like am I supposed to pretend I can't see them because I know that's a P

20:20Denis:but that's up to you right like if you if you don't do it properly you just go with glasses that aren't going to work well I think I did it wrong because I can't see now Oh, you're wearing contacts now? Yeah, all day. I'm trying to get away from the glasses. They make me a bit, I don't know. I think you look quite suave. I do, yeah. But there's something going on that I get shadows and then I get this exact shadow here and it makes me look 55 years old. Do you get the little red nose? The red... Literally just the shadow. The light hits here. But yeah, I'm sitting there like, I think I know the answer.

20:53But should I say it's a different letter to trick her to think my eyes are worse? get to it I wish they show you a different chart every time

21:02Denis:I know what you mean because I've already remembered but at the same time like what's your objective to get the most letters correct or to get the most correct prescription well to get them wrong I suppose so that you get the best anyway I'm after poking my contact lens it doesn't mean you get better glasses he got them all wrong give him the best glasses giving the best ones yeah I don't know what I've done now I've just poked myself in the eye yeah your eyes are under a bit of pressure I'm going to be winking at you for the next part of the show welcome back everybody buddy yeah i hope you had a lovely break uh we did too so look great without mentioning some things right a lot of a lot of stuff happening in the world okay right and we we like to take it upon ourselves to maybe distract you from that a tiny little bit right yes uh some of the distractions that have been happening at the moment for me which have been lovely and i honestly think it is a complete direct reflection of the world needing it have you had any interactions or readings of Punch the Monkey?

21:57No, actually. I've seen a little video. I've seen people crying and I saw a monkey hugging a teddy. Yeah. And was he being bullied? Yes, he was. And they've saved him?