#60 Mark and Denis Nearly Breakup

0:00Denis:And what is presented on his phone is something I could, if you gave me a thousand guesses, I couldn't have thought that this was going to appear. This show is part of the Headstuff Podcast Network. Welcome to this week's episode of Your Internet Boyfriends. Hello, Mark T. Cox. Hello, Dennis Lennon. This week, we're talking about kinky boots, the blue pill and naked butlers. And I'll be updating the listeners about how I nearly destroyed the podcast last week. Hello. How are you, Mark? Morning. Good. Hello, I was late. You were, you were late. You put us under tremendous pressure. Very sorry about it.

0:37I left my house, I left my house about 55 minutes before I had to be here. That's a journey of four miles. And I got stuck. There was traffic, they're digging up the holes in the ground in Dalston. and the taxi just kind of sat on the road for I'd say about 15 minutes didn't go anywhere. He was in no rush. He was going to be in that taxi all day. He was in no rush. It was a Tesla so I was flustered getting into it couldn't find the door. I get into a lot of trouble now with taxi men because I tried to close the boot. Oh and you have to press the button to close it. You can't close the boot. I brought a rattan rug in a taxi a few weeks ago, which is, do you know what that is?

1:27Like the straw. You know bougie women that wear loads of white and beige clothes? Oh yeah, yeah. Espresso women. Espresso women and they have these cream straw, like straw, Russian carpets around the house. So I had one of them, I had to transport it and the thing ruined the taxi. Bits of small straw stuck into the dragged across the hall carpet the black carpet I'm very sorry about it

1:58Denis:Did you do a runner? I did a runner because he didn't see it but if you were a London woman what category do you think you'd fit into would you be a basic beige? I'd like a big coat I'd like little white trainers I'd like to live in Stoke Newington I'd like to have a couple of kids whose gender is very ambiguous and they have blonde hair. Would it be a source of pride in the school for you? Yes. They're expressing themselves. We don't push any labels on them. And they'd be running around with blonde hair, kind of like this. Bleached? No, no. They would be blonde. I don't know where the blonde has come from, but they would be blonde.

2:39And they'd have funny names that you're not sure who they are, what they are. And they'd be very creative.

2:44Denis:For instance, what would one of them be called? Or it could be like maybe like... Sundial? No, something like Tyler or something those kind of names that you could kind of go either way and then I would have a husband who left me long ago oh the husband's gone and I have a new young piece oh I'd say they'd hate to see you like at the collection at the school gates you'd be flirting with everyone I haven't worked in years maybe I could be director of an arts board or I could be very involved in the local kind of museum or something like that would you be a bit of a weapon though? I wouldn't do much but I'd barge around and I'd order people maybe there's a summer springtime festival and I could be a director of that but I wouldn't do any work a lot of people like that have no job I was doing something the other day I won't say what but I was dealing with like a guest list of important people going to an important event and she's on the board of this and she's a trustee of this and she's but they're not really jobs they're just like rich people jobs that you kind of sit in a meeting every three months but wouldn't you love them yeah wouldn't it be great how would you do that pop in pop out get ubers get coffees is a trustee do they get paid or do they give money I'd say they get the trustee I don't know wait which one's the the payee and the payer I don't know no I've lost it it's too early in the show I'd like that anyway so he gave out to me I tried to close the boot and then we were stuck in traffic he took out a pot noodle.

4:23Oh lovely. A little kettle. He took out a little flask of hot water. Ah brilliant. And a pot noodle. And he started pouring it in and he started stirring it around.

4:33Denis:What flavour was it? Slurping. And the smell. It smelled delicious. I don't know. Chicken. I loved it. He probably has like no smoking signs all over his car. Yeah. But as far as he's concerned it's his own domain with the pot noodle. And he was slurping away in between like the traffic lights. What was he? Was he steering with his knees? Well, no, we weren't moving. We were stuck for so long, he had his lunch. In situ. Did he offer you any? Did he put a fork back to you or anything? No. Slurp one from the front into the back. Very organised. He was getting paid. Anyway, what about you? Any news?

5:05Denis:I nearly had an absolute meltdown inside the cubicle just a minute ago. Oh? So you see my lovely blouse. Yeah. Can't see if they're listening to an audio, but it was a lovely blouse, right? Yeah. But I think it's fair to say that this is probably an older woman's blouse, right? It was in the older woman's section. Yeah. I think we picked this up. And the buttons are a little bit unusual for me. Oh, they're backwards. Yeah. And they're hidden. Like, you can't see where to put in the button. So I was in the cubicle. I know we're under a little bit of time constraints this morning. And I started getting hot.

5:35Denis:And then I couldn't find the button. And I was ready to give up. Yeah. I was ready to give up. I started melting. Yeah. And it is not the most breathable. It's not the most breathable. I started to sweat on my shoulders a little bit and I was like I'm just going to do this but no tap on I'm going well I mean I'd have to charge for that but I yeah nearly lost my marbles a little bit there choking on the feathers there beside you I think I actually am allergic to feathers as well you're choking on the feathers something we haven't thought about yeah the buttons are back to front sometimes if it's very fashionable it could be actually a ladies blouse I think this is a ladies blouse right?

6:10I'm not sure I've actually forgotten because so many of my clothes are not but it looks lovely. Yeah, I know. Yeah, it looks nice. There's a slight little peekaboo

6:19Denis:here and there. Yeah. It's transparent. As you said to me, the things you say sometimes, you said before recording, right, you're getting yourself in there, you're like, all right, get ready, you know, so many people listening to this and you said, watch the belly. What? Watch the belly. No, I'm only looking. No, no, listen. Listen. Watch the belly. That's see-through, remember? Yeah. And I was like, oh. Yeah. Oh. and it felt like I'd gone up a level you know he's like you know you're like you want to be in art club you're wearing this see-through stuff gotta keep an eye on that belly I only mean there's nothing wrong with a lovely belly but there's no need in fact they all have lovely bellies this is just a little reminder if you're enjoying the podcast make sure to click follow on Spotify or you can leave a little review on Apple Podcasts thanks so much lots of the listeners have lovely bellies there's no need sometimes you could just scoot yourself up and it would be fine everyone has a little fold on a belly when we sit down but that's the gift of the high trousers you can pull the trousers up up over any little spill and then you're beautiful again we had a teacher who used to she used to pull her trousers up I'd say just below the oh the breasts just below the nips yeah massive massive trousers it's a great trick covers everything yeah you look great I took off the shoes I still haven't found the right grown up shoes You're more of a soccer sport I feel lovely here What have you been doing?

7:51I don't know I'll be honest Mark I've forgotten We had a night out Everything We had a big night out

7:58Denis:How did we talk about that? Shall I tell the story? You can tell the story but I'm free to interject at any point It nearly all went wrong This is we've had a revamp we've had a relaunch and you know big things are happening and I'm not afraid to say this podcast nearly was thrown in the bin last week it nearly all went wrong and we're very very lucky that we're all still friends we had one of our first huge wobbles in front of an audience of a thousand people no five thousand probably five thousand people yeah but I would also say that there is a certain I don't know would we call it some sort of I don't know code or something right within this podcast certain lines maybe all blown apart yeah it's understood I know the limit I know the limit of what you can take and handle from the LGBT community and I was trying to protect you from something and accidentally exposed you to horrific scenes but not just me Mark go on tell the story we went for a lovely night out we went to Kinky Boots Kinky Boots beautiful show and meant to be a double date I forgot I forgot I'm such a mess We're walking up there and Lisa goes like you know oh like where's where's Mr.

9:22Denis:D Yeah and you were like I completely forgot My same sex partner is in Japan He's in Japan I forgot He probably won't make it then He won't make it I forgot he was in Japan I forgot that this was happening and then I text all the other same sex partners and they're all busy so it ended up the double date was not a double date it was Dennis and Lisa and me and there's already a dynamic there lovely bit of fun the best fun until we were sitting there the three of us, four chairs, three of us squeezed together, Dennis in the middle unfortunate that I sat in the middle a bag of squashies in your lap both of you sticking the hand in

10:07some more forcefully than others one on each side reaching for the squashies and like i'm very aware i have barged into your life and i have taken all of your time and she has to deal with me in your phone in your life all that like there's a dynamic that i'm like i need to mind myself and not be and just just just so she because she does listen like she loves you i know i love her but like you can see how I could end up taking over and you know destroying the marriage

10:42Denis:Like I'm sitting there and it is I'm watching Kinky Boots I've got her on the left you on the right and I'm thinking like this is a bit strange It is a bit strange because I was anyway the three of us were there having our lovely time and then I think it was great I think it was all going really well and then I went off to the toilet I'm sorry for interrupting so much but has Declan heard this? No Oh my god I haven't talked to anyone about this Strap in Declan I went off to the toilet and made the mistake of opening up my telephone and in the telephone in my messages is generally fuck like hellscape, disaster, horrific, just dirt, people texting dirt and completely inappropriate, sometimes lovely, filth.

11:24So I opened up a bit of filth and I was blown away. I was shocked. I was shocked. I was thrown. And I said, I can't even react to this right now. I need to put this away and I'm going to come back to this later. So I locked my phone and I put it into my pocket and I came back and the three of us started digging into the squashies again and was it you or someone said oh show me or take a picture?

11:50Denis:I said we had done an amazing photo shoot with Sexton. Amazing, right? And I said oh Lisa you have to see the photographs and I said can I just tell this? And I just said Mark, can you show us the photographs? And in total Mark way, he leans over me, opens up his phone, and what is presented on his phone is something I could, if you give me a thousand guesses, I couldn't have thought that this was going to appear. And then his reaction is, oh, locks the phone and runs over to his side again. And I was like, this cannot be happening. and for all the people listening out there, you're probably thinking, oh, it was a dick pic.

12:38Denis:Nope. It was probably like some, you know, salacious like message or whatever. Nope. What Mark opened up on his phone, the first thing that he, or like, it's also the last thing you're looking at, which makes it way worse, was some beautiful fan art of me and him shifting the heads off each other. Right? Inspired. Video. the most realistic AI I've ever seen I I it's alright just to put you in my head for a second hands on the back of the neck mauling each other I'll show it to you after just to put it in my head for a second it was from the photo shoot that we had done that's the poster of the live show and my brain just goes I can't remember taking that like you know was that a like trying to like put the puzzle together Lisa next to me she didn't see it so did she see it she she saw it but didn't didn't know the full context of it right and I think also in her lovely way was trying to be like approving of it do you know do you know what I mean like is that what you're doing now for the podcast you know when at this stage she could just go graphic alright I've called this shit off Get out of my marriage Get this gay away And then Before anything Could be explained Second half Boom Music comes up Lights come on Oh my god I've never Laughed I was Shook Shaken in the seas Crying Tears rolling noise I've been through a lot The last few weeks And I have a lot of Stress and anxiety And I think Everything came out I was I lost Control In part two of Kinky Boots and then the fucking show if anyone hasn't seen Kinky Boots it's about a straight man is his name Charlie?

14:40Charlie yeah Charlie Price his life is all going wrong he's engaged he's about he's about to get married everything is all upside down he meets a gay man who's a drag queen who reinvents his career yeah sounds familiar and turns his marriage upside down turns his marriage upside down and there's a whole scene of the girlfriend saying, what are you doing with this fancy man? And, you know.

15:09Denis:Is there something going on? Jesus, like. Shocking the seas. If you do think about it though, like, if that was someone else who wasn't as like confident in themselves, if I was in her position, I don't think I would have been as like. What are they doing? As like, oh, here's the second half now. But then, then afterwards, she asked me, she like because i don't oh you stormed out it was the funniest and i was like can we just can we maybe walk to the station together and try and like resolve this i actually i actually at that point i was just i literally was just tired i just wanted to get home but i think you were thinking like this is all gone down the pan and then it's all fucking pride rainbow we're all gay and then there was then in the middle in the middle of it after all of this you cheeky fucker in the middle of all this in a silence there's a line and it goes you're a slave to the gays and then Mark turns around and goes that's you

16:15Denis:I had a moment like I was sitting there just going I couldn't have thought that any of this stuff how I could have ever found myself in this situation. Yeah. Unbelievable. A man from Mallow. Good God. In the middle of the case. What I will say is don't be making that. Please don't make those things. There's another one I didn't show you. I don't want to see it. There's more. I have no interest in it. Oh my Lord. I think Declan might like it. Yeah. Back of the neck sucking the mouth off me. Oh you shut up. Look you say that if I'm doing it. He was cut to town. Dear God. What? Did you delete it?

16:58Denis:No. No, of course not. It'll never be seen. It'll never be seen. Brilliant. But very worrying. Very worrying, yes. The future of AI. Oh, yeah. A little more worrying for me, I think. I think I need a minute. Will we take a break? Yeah, we will. This show is part of Headstuff Podcasts. Here's another show you might like. Hello, we're Kevin and Jason from Shy Talk History. We're back with a new season. This season we'll be tackling big topics like St. Patrick the Snake Man, George Best, the Barcelona Football Club, the Census of 1926 and 1916, 110 years old. So it's Shy Talk History every Tuesday on headstuffpodcast.com.

17:41We're back. I'm just admiring my breasts. Yeah, they're really coming along.

17:46Denis:Do you think so? Yeah, really coming along. I have a problem. I have one bigger than the other. That's fine. It's like having one bigger foot than the other. And do you know why it's the... Oh. Do you hear that knee? Little old knee there. Apparently, the breast muscle on the opposite of your dominant hand is bigger for some reason. So I'm right-handed, so the left is bigger. Oh yeah? Isn't that weird? I don't know why. And then I broke this shoulder. I never like to talk about it. No. So maybe that affected But yeah I need to I need to rebalance myself I got my I got my tits looked at By a physio before Remember I mentioned that And he came in And he He was like You see this one Perfect And then he kind of like Which one My right one I think Are you right or left handed I'm right handed But it's a different thing It's like If I bench press My chest goes weird But on my left And he goes See this And he like Flipped it See this Not good.

18:50Denis:Not as good. Yeah, so I need to balance myself. But I started the creatine. Oh, did you? Are you on it? Yeah, I'm on creatine, yeah. Little powder. No, I'm on tablets because I got too lazy taking the powder. I don't mind the powder. It tastes like blueberries. No, I just bang back three massive tablets. Yeah, I looked at the tablets and you have to take loads of them. Yeah, yeah. I have so many things. Actually, I'm throwing that in. Now that we're speaking of tablets. Oops. I've been meaning to bring this up. Keep forgetting, though. how big is the blue pill in your world? What do you mean? The blue pill, like the performance enhancing drug.

19:30Denis:For romance? For romance, yeah. More, I would say, more common than you think. I was imagining that it might be. Yeah, there's no... I think people are very happy to say that they need it and they use it. Yeah. Why wouldn't you? And would it be used, well actually, would it be used, because some of the stuff that you talk about, I actually imagine kind of putting myself into that zone or whatever, like equine fairs and stuff. Oh yes, yeah. And I feel like you'd nearly need to have a bit of, like something to prop you up there. It's a lot of action going on. Yeah. A lot of vigorous action. Sustained long-term action.

20:13And so would people be... Yeah, it's quite common, yeah. If you were going to a party, pop a little... All right, just to get you flying. A squash sheet. A squash sheet. Avoid having a squash sheet. A blue squash sheet. Yeah, I think it's very common. I think we need to talk about it. A lot of men suffer from issues of romantic organs and there's literally a solution. It's so easy to fix. just take a tablet off you go everyone's thrilled why wouldn't you

20:44Denis:everyone's thrilled everyone's thrilled I feel though I don't know what it's I bet I bet that the the gay world is a little bit more accepting of it so I don't what's the alternative just you can't have sex well the alternative is that everyone just goes around sulking like in the true just take the tablet and then everyone gets what they want yeah but but there's there's certain feelings towards it and I think this is where the trouble comes with right it's because there's all there's also like a male performance aspect of sex which I think is weird anyway yeah do you know like as in you must perform yeah like do is that what with your lot do you like is it a thing we must perform like I must be I must be the strong gay man there's no shame if like it's just your body like if you hurt your foot and you needed it fixed you'd take a tablet oh I totally get that to make your foot work again so if your willy stops working and there's a way to fix it Someone mentioned, actually it was, it was Declan, you were having a conversation and you were talking about, you know, meeting up with someone or whatever, right?

21:49Denis:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Separately. And I was like, oh, like, but what if, what if you just meet up with someone and it's, you know, you're not feeling too great and it doesn't happen? The willy. Yeah. And I really, I really, I know it's funny the way you just answer that. You just go, yeah, like, then that doesn't matter. You just go away. Next time. Yeah. Call it off. Yeah, but I think, but I, so to bring it into my world, I think where a lot of the stigma around it comes from is that, and I'm going to speak on behalf of all different people here. All straight men. All right. All straight men and maybe a few women.

22:26Denis:I think the feeling might be in some cases that the lack of male performance is due to the other person. Oh, because you're not attractive. yeah or it doesn't even have to be attractive like love whatever blah blah and there's a big connection there I think for men mostly it's actually I mean it can be that I'm not going to say it probably can in certain instances whatever that's a whole different discussion but like in the instances where that man wants to have sex and it doesn't happen it's got nothing to do with the other person no he's tired he's depressed yeah a lot of men are depressed anxious and don't do anything about it he's anxious he's been working all day he's 100 things on his mind the bills are going up the mortgage isn't paid and then the willy says no i can't but there's a disconnect between the two of those things because at the end of the day the man has to come home and pleasure his partner you know yeah or just like it's just it's just physical just your body like it gets old and like things just like we're probably not programmed we're probably not meant to be really having sex after our prime like obviously you're making a good job of it no I'm trying but probably we're most we're most beneficial having sex probably in our 20s and like early 30s to make the babies and things so you can just fix it it's so easy go to Boots over the counter here you go thanks off you go everyone's delighted she'll love us and love us and on to my second thing yes a lot of people don't get it in boots online it's everywhere I know I can definitely speak for heterosexual men that I know they're like I was talking to a fellow before and he was like just got a couple of blues you know they make it they won't even say they won't say by air no they won't they won't right well we didn't say it for the last 10 minutes I know but that's what we always do we should be scared to say it that's what we always do can say it now You said Viagra.

24:31Look into the camera.

24:32Denis:I love... Blues. So this guy goes, he was like, oh, it's got a couple of blues. And I thought he meant like ecstasy or something. And he was like, no, no, no. Like, you know, for later. Oh, get a life. You know, whatever. But, they were just, they were getting it off. Like, the same thing, like getting it off a dealer. What are they taking? What's the point? Why? It's free. Cheaper, I guess. NHS. Go to the doctor. like is it free in NHS probably yeah it's definitely very affordable it's so easy just walk in have a little consultation there you go yeah there's no secret the shame that's terrible yeah but there is there is a total shame like there's also the fact like if you're a guy and you don't perform again I'm just going over that male performance thing you feel like oh I haven't lived up to my maleness right which is silly it's stupid yeah but I do think that even taking the stuff that would be kind of like signalling to or the partner might receive it as oh well like they need that otherwise they can't with me Can I say now she'll know you can't take it in secret she'll know How would she know?

25:44She'll know Why is it a loss? It's a loss Why are you walking around just It's a loss she'll know and you might get like maybe your eyes might be a bit bloodshot or something or like you'll know Okay So don't be pretending Don't be taking it And lying about it Tell her How Make a little Make a little Thrill of it Like I'm gonna I'm gonna take this now See you in an hour

26:07Denis:I will have a little slobber knocker You have a little bath And I'll I'll follow you upstairs In an hour And you Get ready Running Running around downstairs Close the blinds That's great That's fun Don't be hiding it Hmm But also Talk to the doctor Cause You can't take it if you have like certain conditions I have the pacemaker be careful first you have to like is it gonna like interact with other medicine in a wrong way you have to go to the doctor your pacemaker should be studied I need to I probably need a new one soon let's see do a one I can't feel it now with my massive breast muscles yeah she's in there I think I need my batteries changed yeah maybe next year maybe the year after she's going well for now Okay, so we'll all get a round of Viagra Could we get sponsored by Viagra?

27:01Denis:Yeah, absolutely That'd be great Talk about it Talk about it What a waste of time knowing that there's treatment that is very, very easy and accessible and not making use of it I'm hearing I'm hearing judgement For not Yeah Yeah But it's more complicated than that Doesn't have to be But sure, it's like old lads don't go to their doctor until they're nearly dead I know It's like telling people to go there Well, I'm saying no. Shape it up. What was I going to... I was going to say... He's gone. No, I was talking to a guy, and he said that he... I like this. This is a talk... This is telling you about, like, male ego, right?

27:43Denis:So my... And he was admitting it when he was talking to me. But my friend went to the doctor, and he had... It was his 12th colonoscopy. Oh. Right? So number 12, right? So he goes in for these like routinely, like every year or two or whatever. Yeah. And so he pops in and the doctor says to him, oh, this is your 12th. So you probably won't need anesthetic. And of course, my friend was like, yeah, I don't need anesthetic because I'm a big man. So laid on his side, up it goes. And he's like, yeah, this is fine. There's no problem. and then the doctor says yeah we're just you have a bit of soft kind of tissue there in your intestine right so we just have to go around around the bend or whatever so you know hold tight and pressed in and he was crying out for anesthetic at that point and he got it and he was fine but again he didn't want once the gauntlet was drawn down of like so you don't need it oh you're a big tough man I'm a big tough man you don't need painkillers mountain men wouldn't take a Panadol I'm like that I'm like that I don't but I don't take Panadol like sweets you know I'll take it when I'm really really needed you know there's no there's no reward for suffering with a headache or yeah but I want soft willy no fine fine I'll do what I like I'm choking today I think the feathers have gone down my neck yeah I think they have to I think we'll have to have a word with the stylist.

29:20Denis:Oh, no, sorry. I'm sorry. Before we get on to the listening question, this is what I meant to say earlier on. Go on. So you've been to a couple of stags, stens, hens in your time? Yes. Right? I have one coming up. Have you ever come across the naked waiters? I've heard about them. I've heard about them. Do you know any naked waiters? I don't know. No. I don't think so, no. I'd love to get a naked waiter on the show and interview them. now see this is how the what this is how the rumours continue to spread I'd love to get a naked man here I'm just maybe we could touch him I'd love a naked man standing that would look great wouldn't it it would look great it's right back there I mean we could also get them to see yeah yeah okay I understand that but I think that just comes from a place and I'd love to kiss him I'd love to see what that's like like for a laugh But So I can just say That that just comes from A very Very confident place Yes But My friend Was at a Was at a A stag Yeah A stag actually And Out come the naked waiters Yeah Right Everyone having a big laugh But underneath the little Flappy flappy thing The arse is out They're just wearing like a little Apron Tiny apron at the front Yeah Underneath that Big Mickey All out Yeah Do you know what they did As a little fun activity Reach up No No You could either get a press up Or a squat Oh And you lie down on the floor And they squat on you The face The face Falls into the mouth Great I shouldn't have said that In the middle of a brunch I wonder what that's like Oh crap, why did I say that?

31:15Denis:I wonder what that looked like. But that's... In the middle of a brunch and your mother... Everyone's having... No, seriously. Everyone's having lunch. Yeah. And then they're like, come on out here and blah, blah, and do it. So they lie down and they're just watching this happen. Or I press up. That'd be okay. Where you're lying down. They press up and down into you. Yeah. That's madness, lads. Yeah. In the middle of a lunch. I just don't... I just don't think that's like... they love it it's fun no I don't know is it fun it's fun unless you kind of get caught up in it and you didn't realise and then suddenly you're being filmed with a mickey in your face yes yes yes that's when it goes wrong that's when it goes wrong I think I think it's I think everyone involved has to be on the same wavelength in terms of like yeah getting into it but also like the videoing pictures and all that kind of stuff but there'll be an auntie there that didn't realise there's going to be mickeys She'd be going over Gobbling him It happened before My An ex went to one And they were All giving out All complaining That there was going to be A naked butler At this thing So they all went feral When the naked butler came out Yeah He was He was like Like pretending Like there was There was one girl in particular Who was so staunchly against it Yeah And then there was just a picture of her with the naked butler like in between the legs and her high heels up in the air.