#62 Denis Goes to a Gay Beach

0:00Denis:Have you heard Easter bunnies are making podcasts now? Well, to celebrate this, we're offering 25 % off your first month of a Headstuff Plus monthly plan or annual plan with the code EASTER. Get ad-free listening and bonus content from all your favourite shows, including Young Hot Guys, Shite Talk History, Your Internet Boyfriends, The Lovely Show and more. Sign up before Friday 10th of April at headstuffpodcast.com slash EASTER and use the code, yes, EASTER at checkout. You can cancel any time with no commitment. That's headstuffpodcast.com slash Easter with the code Easter. Have we had a romance?

0:38Denis:I'm just saying, no, you're going to shappell around yourself. You're going to shappell around yourself. Hold on. Welcome to this week's episode of Your Internet Boyfriends. Hello, I'm Mark T. Cox. Hello, Dennis Lane. This week we're talking about bird watching, vegan dinners and beaches in Sitges. And Dennis's mother gets a new WhatsApp picture. This show is part of the Headstuff Podcast Network. Do you ever blow your nose? Once or twice, yeah. Dust. Yeah, and dirt and exhaust fumes and everything. Yeah. I'm going to kick the podcast off like you normally do. Right. I've always suffered an affliction.

1:12Denis:You don't, I don't think. Which one? The colic affliction. What, the hair? I have two colics at the back of my head. Right. Constantly battling. Turn around, Shaz. Turn around to show me Yeah Sticking up I don't know It's nothing to do with my cowlick I don't know When I see other people with cowlicks Or like their hair all over the place I don't take as much notice I'd say international listeners don't know what you mean What do they call it? A hair debacle? It's like a bit of hair that's been licked by a cow And it's stuck And no matter what you do It's going to always stick up It has caused many a near meltdown, breakdown As you're about to head out And you notice it And it just won't behave itself And then you put gel into it And that just gels the You know like our hair I can't actually put hairspray in my head It drives me insane But you put some sort of product in it anyway You grimaced there when I said gel Because you were like That's You're imagining Again putting in brille cream Wet look Is it only short hair?

2:12Does it kind of sort itself out? Flop down after a while If it gets long Like if people have long hair Is it a problem? I don't know. Do women, not saying that all women have long hair, but, I don't know, is it such a thing, or is it just, It's very progressive. I know. Not all women have long hair. I caught myself saying it, I know. It's always the boys in school with short hair, and they have a big, big, like, tsunami wave on the front of their face. It's at the back, but I don't know, I think I'm overthinking it.

2:42Denis:I have a double crown. I have a double crown. Alright. Okay, Jesus Christ. We both have double crowns. I thought I was the only one. This is riveting stuff here. I don't know what it means. It means you've got two swirly bits in the back of your head. So mostly people have like just one swirly bit that a hairdresser has to contend with. Yeah. We have two swirly bits. Yeah. And they could be swirling in different directions. Right. I remember when my hairdresser told me that I had it, it was like I had six months to live. Yeah. I said, I don't know if you know this now, but you've done a double crown.

3:17Or your double jointes. Double jointes. In the head. Yeah, yeah. Like, they were kind of things that you thought were really, wow, I'm special. Oh, yeah. I'm really special. If you had a clicky thumb back in school. I had a clicky finger. Look at that.

3:29Denis:Oh, Lord. Do that again for the camera. For the listeners. Isn't that nice? For all your listeners, even though I'm sure everyone can do video at this stage. The top of his finger comes down like it's a little head, like a hat or something. I can control the top joint of my finger. Oh, my Lord. I shouldn't do it. Yeah. Does that ever come in handy? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, a little pulse going on there. I like that one. I used to be able to do the middle one, but I'm worried about, you know, because I'm gifted with the music. Yeah. So I need to be careful. Jeez, you could click any button with that finger.

4:01And the elbow goes the wrong way. Oh, brilliant. That's not probably as useful. The elbow goes around the wrong way. That's probably what it does. If I, and I thought this, I like to be better than everyone else. Yeah, yeah. I have a bit of that in me since I've been very young. So having a double crown, Bin, I have a few other things I won't say on the podcast, but I had a few. What things? I was different to other boys. Yeah, and I loved it. I liked Bin.

4:29Denis:Just special. Do you know, there's something, we were in a cafe leading up to the live show. I can't remember why this came up. Oh. But you had used the term blessed. Yes. Blessed. Oh. Oh. I can't remember what the context was The listeners will The listeners know that I think it was actually in relation to Maybe showing it off The music Blessed with the music So the hair is fine No no the hair is fine But I know There's a producer at home She'll watch this and she'll go Why don't you sort the hair out I'm like I couldn't sort the hair out Look on to more pressing matters We have I was travelling home after the weekend and I checked my phone and it's a bombshell of news has come in.

5:17Denis:You know what I'm talking about. Well, it's your own fault. How is this my own fault? I think you were teasing them this weekend. Gone. No, no, no, no. You're on the wrong track. What track? Bigger news than that. We'll get on to those people. Your one or the podcast one? I checked my phone and my mother had sent me a message on WhatsApp, Mark. Oh, I loved it. And you're in her profile picture.

5:39Denis:How is that happening. I've wiggled in there now, nice and easy. You got the biggest kick out of that. I sent him a screenshot. We'll put it up. We'll put it up with a smiley face in front of the mother. We'll put it up on Thursday when it's episode. Protect her. Protect the identity. When this comes out. Yeah, the two of us and her in the middle. You're in the profile picture. It's very like, I'm proud of my gay son and his partner. That's what it looks like. But sure, honestly, the majority of people she's going to be messaging are going like, who's this? Who is that? She's messaging all the neighbours and people from like around.

6:14Denis:But she can't explain any of it. Who's this fella? But she can't explain any of it. Like the way she'd explain that is, you know, he's over in London now with a fella. That's the first thing she'll say. And here's a picture of him. They live in a pink house. Yeah. And they do stuff together. There's flowers everywhere. She'll have no specifics for any of it. And he's changed his blouse. And we went to see him and they went to show. They did that thing. And then someone will say cabaret and she'll say yes. Yeah. Because it's just the first thing to say. You're in my mother's profile picture. Isn't that a bit much?

6:40Denis:I didn't ask for it. I'm not featuring in your mother's fucking profile picture. What's your mother's profile picture on WhatsApp? It doesn't have it. Or just in the... It doesn't have it at all. It doesn't have WhatsApp. It just has a phone phone. No internet phone. A fucking... Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, just like a SMS. That's it? Yeah. No internet on the phone. So it's just calls? Calls and texts. Oh, if they're booking a flight then they go into the kitchen and sit down on the laptop. Open the laptop. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I wiggled in there nice and quick. Absolutely unbelievable. And two big smiley heads.

7:16It's not even, I thought it was like, because we have nice professional photos of us, but it's just snapped on the phone.

7:23Denis:We look about 10 foot tall next to her as well. She's very proud of the two of us. She's very proud of one of us. Well, we all know the reason that I'm in the photograph is because she's getting a photograph with Mark and someone said, would you like to get in too? You love that. God almighty. You've been away? I've been away, yes. I was away for a wedding. I was best man at a wedding over in Spain. España. Big job. Big job. I did it beautifully. What were the tasks? There was no tasks. This was more kind of a get in the trenches, troubleshoot as you go along kind of thing. Okay. Very vague. Is this the one that was a stag?

7:58Denis:This is the one that was a stag, yeah. Beautiful venue. So that's over now. Their lives are... What's next? There's an awful lot of talk. Get on the house ladder now and stuff. Is that next? Yeah, yeah. Take off the next stuff. It's been years of talking. But they're on a beautiful venue. Everything was great, right? But I think more importantly, I was in Sitges, right? Which someone has told me. What? I'll put it in a more polite way. One of the... Full of the community. One of the gay capitals of Europe. Yeah. Why did they go there? It's next to Barcelona, I suppose. Did he pick it? Yeah, he did.

8:33Denis:There was questions. There was questions. I was putting up some stories. During the weekend. It's all gays. You swear. It's actually, the town in the middle has this amazing spot. Have you ever been there? No. I think it's, I'm nearly scared. It's too much. I was actually saying that you probably wouldn't go there. Yeah. Do you know? You'd only go to like a place that's like up and coming gay. Maybe. Do you know what I mean? This is solidified gay. Is it all English people? No. No, there's a lot of, a lot of Spanish. Yeah. Gays? Yeah, a lot of gays. Local gays. Local gays. No, not local gays. Visiting gays.

9:11Denis:Visiting gays. Local people. Visiting gays. Normal people. And then loads of gays from England, Germany. All over the place. All over the place. But there was a fantastic little square, right? Yeah. And there is, on one side of it, 50, 60 chairs that are facing one bar. And then over in the other bar, there's 50, 60 chairs facing those 50, 60 chairs. Oh. So you just have, you know, approximately 120 gays facing each other. Couples, a lot of couples. Facing other couples, looking at, hmm, what about that, what about this. But then the best thing ever is you just get some tourists who come in, don't read any of the signs.

9:52Denis:Yeah, sit down. And they sit down. And it is the funniest thing to see. Oh, like straight people. Yeah, they're just sitting down and they're having a little sandwich and a drink and sure they think it's great and whatever. No one has any clothes on here. Are there shops? Are there funny shops? Ah, there's a couple of sex shops, yeah. Yeah. Lisa said to me, do you want to go into that shop there? It's a funny gay sex cake shop or something. Oh, yes. You know? Would there be willies cakes in the shape of willies? Yeah, and I was like, I was like, you know what, I'm just going to go to a normal bakery now today because I'm feeling a little hungover and if I go in there and take a picture, I'll have to buy something.

10:27Denis:That's right. I just couldn't do it to myself. Come out with a big willy in your mouth. Yeah, but thankfully, we went to a beautiful place. Yeah. Found a lovely little beach. Oh. Gaze there. No clothes on. No clothes on. Whitties. No clothes on. Yeah. Some people with shorts on. A lot of no clothes on. Yeah. And it's, I'm sure a lot of our listeners have been there. But what I found phenomenal, there's like an observation deck. Right, so. Up in the cliff. Up in the cliff. I think I know it, yeah. And so, all the tourists come down. Oh. And they look down on the beach. Oh. And they're like. Like a zoo.

11:01Denis:Look at all the naked. The naked people. Is it all men? No, there's men. Mixed. Mixed, yeah. But like, I mean, I think majority men on that beach. We need to get over it, don't we? We need to... Well, I had a theory about it. Yeah. Would you go down? You know, I actually had a conversation with Lisa and I said I absolutely would if I was guaranteed someone would video it. Who? I don't know. A fan? I just don't... Yeah, I mean, it could happen, right? What about us? I don't know. I don't know. I don't want that. Would you be shy? Embarrassed? I wouldn't be shy, no. I'd have you know plenty of video but I'm just saying that I wouldn't I wouldn't control over that I think that's like it's like if I was guaranteed that no one had a phone and I'd go in there and have a laugh to be honest no one would even notice or care but what about the crowd from the wedding would they be around down the beach yeah they'd see you there that could be awkward that could be bad the aunties that could be pretty bad there he is swanning around the place but what was interesting right I have a little theory about it but you didn't go no I didn't go but I have a theory about it right I was just wondering around there too yeah can I have a theory I think that that observation deck provides two things right one maybe it's a little bit of like you know in case the people on the beach lose the plot they'll know that there's a few people up there yeah and so it kind of might rein them in a little bit right that's my like weaker theory my biggest theory provides a bit of should we're all looking at us oh yeah do you know yeah why not a bit of exhibitionism a bit of yeah Do you like this bit?

12:32Swinging around is great. Aren't we all so bloody shackled here in the misery in the rain? If you lived in Spain and the sun was shining, swing it around.

12:40Denis:So you're saying if it was sunny in Ennis, you'd be balls out walking around? Why not? Down the fountain. Isn't there a place in Kerry, ladies' view? No. There is a place in Kerry. Not that place, though. That's one of my favourite places in the world. That's not a nudist place. There's a somewhere in Kerry that you can go. Is there? Yeah. I can't remember what it's called. Rain or shine? If the listeners know. Sure. But we're not great at it here. We're not great at it. There's so much shame. I've been to a few beaches in, where did I go? Somewhere outside Athens. Somewhere outside Lisbon, I think.

13:12Lovely. Great fun. Why not? What were you doing, like?

13:16Denis:What were you doing that you were doing? Lying around. You did differently on that beach. Just lying around. Sun tanning every bit. Yeah. Swimming. Yeah, swishing. No one cares because everyone's naked. so and if you're on if you're on a if you're on like a gay nudist beach or which it primarily was like would there be any carry on at that place carry on above in the bushes above not on the beach yeah sometimes the sand but maybe above the sand and the sun cream and actually like it can be too hot and it's it's very you're just a bit bothered I'm very irritable it's a bit of sauna syndrome a lot of the time yeah but up in the bushes or maybe just at the sunset that'd be nice Not too hot.

13:59But yeah, I think now as a culture, we need to just get over it.

14:04Denis:No, I did enjoy how normal it was. That was quite nice. And all these leathery old people in their 70s couldn't care less. Well, I tell you. They don't care how they look either. No, and fair juice to them. But this beach was not the beach I think that most people would imagine. Yeah. There was some fine looking people walking around the place. Oh, yes. Well, the finer ones tend to parade. Swan around. Yeah, why not? What was very interesting, I think you'll find this interesting, is the more pubes someone had, the less you could actually see from a distance because of shadowing and sunlight. That's right, yeah.

14:38Denis:Do you know? Trem it down. Yeah. You know, well, I mean, if they want to. That's up to them. God, what a strange place to go. It was great. And I got a lot of DMs in from people. Yeah. Because I was putting up some stuff. Well, they'd recognize the buyers and things. They were losing their minds. Yeah. losing their minds and saying what are you doing in there? What are you doing there? So actually we had such a fun night but I did the and we were talking a couple of weeks ago about how you were saying the you know the girls can the girls can hold like a gay bar together sometimes you know by introducing people and running around the place and I'm sure there's some people that find it unbelievably irritating but we walked down this strip and it was down to that place again there's probably 200 men out there I swan down I was king of cock the walk for want of a better word and I walked into a place called El Horno walked in there there's a lovely sign up there it was bears and beards big strong man so I put that up in my story and everything went insane we walked in there with three girls and I think at some point then you might have got a voice message from one of them who was a big fan I did a bit drunk a bit enthusiastic the next day when I revealed that she had sent that message to you?

15:56Yeah.

15:57Denis:Nearly collapsed. Mortified. Nearly collapsed. Hello, what's her name? That's Ruth. Hello, Ruth. So we had a great night, but it was actually one of the, it was one of the first times that Lisa had met them. Met friends from home. Oh, right, right. So we went out with the girls and do you know what they did to me? We sat down outside. This is previous to everyone losing their minds. Yeah. Sat down outside and I was talking to someone else, right? Like was at the wedding and we just popped down the street and was chatting to them. Yeah. And I sit down. And Lisa had negotiated some terms with the girls.

16:29Denis:She could ask them nine questions. I get three questions each. From the past? From the past. Anything at all. In El Horno? In El Horno. And I was there absolutely not. What did she need to know? We got, in four hours, we got through two questions. A lot to say. Lots to say. It was like a tribunal. I was knocking back drinks inside that bar Yeah To bait the band Trying to cause a distraction Trying to do anything Yeah Trying to do anything What did she want to know? Sneaky ones like What was Dennis like as a teenager? Yeah That's the most open book question in the world What was And I quote Because I would never use this word But What was the naughtiest thing he's ever done?

17:16Denis:Okay And what was phenomenal was I mean the girls No holds barred Just went to absolute town the next day the lads turned up because they were getting in the next day and they turned up she did the same thing to them one word answers yeah yeah tight nothing tight lipped absolutely he was great crack end of story yeah but I I did feel like we were in that that what about the wedding what was the dinner in Spain I'll get on to the dinner in a minute you didn't have like a whole dinner was there do they do it like that in the wedding. Why are you there? Is someone from there? Is she from there? So she's from Argentina.

17:56Denis:Oh. And so like they lived in Spain. I see. And so then they come over Spanish speaking. Well actually to the California but whatever. And it was kind of a little halfway house from whatever and they used to live there. Okay I see. Okay that makes more sense. The wedding? Imagine you're an Irish man right? You're an Irish uncle and you're coming over to the wedding. Yeah. And you're sitting down and you're going I can't wait now for my grub. Soup. Vegan. The whole thing? The whole thing was vegan. Oh trouble. There was one man there now, a friend of mine, and he thought it was a big joke. From Cork.

18:26Denis:He thought we were messing with him, that it was all vegan. Oh. And he was waiting for his beef to come out. Oh. Beef or chicken or beef. No, there was nothing. Salmon. Nothing. No fish. Strictly vegan. Oh. Strictly vegan. We got an artichoke puree to start. Lovely. The man on the right of me had a very tough time with that. And then... Fucking hell. He didn't like that. That old thing. that's like an old thing you'd get in France would they ever just shape it up a bit but some people just because that's a funny word as well if that had a different name well artichoke it's like foreign wouldn't touch it oh that's an old thing I totally agree I made I made my parents do you know what sloppy joes are yeah burgers yeah like sloppy joes oh we're gonna have sloppy joes oh they were like what in the name no I will not have a sloppy joe I wouldn't know that kind of thing at all yeah holding a vegan I can't okay what's the main course main course was which was great was a kind of a mushroom was it a mushroom ravioli kind of thing yeah with a couple of edible flowers oh can you imagine how that was received by some people eating flowers Martin outside in the field Eating flour I could have got out on the grass and got these So the field day with that But people humour it as well That's what I don't like People We can't just smarten ourselves up and enjoy nice things We have to bring everything down to a joke Do you know what I mean?

20:07It's the only way people

20:08Denis:in Ireland can deal with stuff It's like joking about everything Isn't that lovely? Enjoy it It's unusual They'd be half afraid of it But I've gone to weddings then It was actually great because when we had the food yeah we weren't that full after it right so we went out dancing and it was great crack yeah but like have you ever gone to the the like the meat and five veg dinners you'd be collapsed you'd be dead bursting farting yeah and then they bring out five or six desserts yeah and you can't you can barely you can barely do it like yeah you'd be passed out yeah mmm and dessert dessert then was a cake I don't know what kind of cake but it was it kind of had like some people wouldn't even eat a vegan cake.

20:49Denis:They cut it with a big sword though. Okay. That was pretty cool. But if they think it's lovely and then if you told them it's vegan. Oh yeah. Oh, I don't know about that. There's no egg in that. You don't know the difference. Yeah. I can't. I'd have to walk out. I couldn't sit at a table listening to it. Sorry now. You would have loved it. It just, come on. Lovely. Exciting. Something new. But why have no experience? Was there a band? No band. But what me? Again, great. they could have got you could have got you but i needed a weekend off that's right um they they selected every single they say oh look i'm just gonna do i'm just gonna say one thing right yeah okay right because they listen to podcasts yeah right they listen to all this right hello but they did um uh there was a dj there called dario right he couldn't have been a better like dario looked like dario like it was yeah he was he was brilliant right but um it was really funny at one point they did a little bit of karaoke the songs they had were brilliant they did a mix of you know like an Argentinian one a Spanish one and then like you know an English kind of pop one or whatever it was brilliant they did it really really well everyone was so tense they were going mad but at one point they did a little bit of karaoke right no not karaoke actually no it's not karaoke like a couple of people came out like one of parents and stuff came out they started singing some songs whatever they did about two songs and they taught people were kind of like that's great no but tie that off now.

22:17Denis:Yeah. They went for the third song. I think people were like, hold on now, it's a bit early to be doing this, like, you know? Yeah. So I saw someone go up to Dario whispering, he's here. And then, like, it was just like the rude sandstorm came on. Yeah. And the sing song just dispersed. Cut it out. That's for the end. That's for the end, yeah. That can go, because then once everyone's feeling they need to have a turn, that can go on all night. Yeah, I know. Was there speeches? Too early. Speeches, there was, yeah. How many speeches? There was Oh Another great one So I did a speech The brother did a speech His brother did a great speech It was really funny Bilingual?

22:56Denis:No No not bilingual But it's just a really Really funny Nice short speech I did a speech I think the references Might have been lost Not bilingual either Not bilingual either References were lost But The best speech I think on the day Was The mother of the groom Popped up who I know very well a neighbour and she popped up and she said an impromptu speech wasn't actually meant to say a speech not sometimes that happens right just popped up I just want to remind everyone this was an Argentinian Irish wedding with a lot of Spanish people mixed in and I started talking away and I turned over to my friend and I was like that's French who?

23:41she's talking