#65 The London Marathon and Why Do Women Wear Tights?

0:00Denis:Would the fishnets come off in one piece? Well, you could often come out through them. Welcome to this week's episode of Your Internet Boyfriends. Hello, Mark T. Cox. Hello, Dennis Len. This week we're talking about gorillas, chill-outs and pulling down tights. And I'll be giving Dennis my personal opinion about the London Marathon. This show is part of the Headstuff Podcast Network. It's a bit hotter in here today. It's hot today. Yeah. I think it's 20 degrees in London. The girls are out in their bras, drinking their matcha teas. Yeah, it's a nice time to be alive. Thank God we survived the winter.

0:38Denis:Yeah. We're all thriving. We're caught now between a collection of people still wearing light jackets and some people going full arse out. Arse out. I was in the city at the weekend doing my walking tours. Am I nice now? Yeah, perfect. Now, a lot of drunk people, a lot of chaos in the streets, a lot of Prosecco flying around. But overall, I'm going to say, I think I'm in a good mood. No way. It's been six months. How's the tiredness? It's all right. That's way better than normal. Yeah. That's way better. It's all right. I think because I didn't fly anywhere this week there was a tube strike so I didn't get on the tube for a lot of the week.

1:28No travel was. I was on a bus here and there but it really makes a difference. Just to get the hit. Something.

1:34Denis:Of being pissed off by travel. Small bit of abuse. That's your drug. Abuse. Getting annoyed by getting annoyed by travel. Yeah. Well I'll be honest I'm going to pretend for this entire episode that I'm not in terrible form but I am. Oh you can be in terrible form. I'm getting sweaty. I'm getting I'm getting annoyed but I have to say like I think there's I think there's a seasonal change in the air I think we're going full on into you know sitting on the grass having a cider Can I just say Oh no I don't like Can you pull the microphone away just a tiny bit sorry to interrupt you Oh Why is that?

2:09They can see me Just because it's too close to you I'm swallowing it down Sound like you're sitting in a bush I don't like sitting on the grass I don't like

2:20Denis:I thought no for this one you have to be there's a lot you're the ray of sunshine in this one I'm the cloud there's a lot of there's a lot of gangs now London Fields hold the phone a second Victoria Park no sorry sorry actually right sorry you're saying you don't like sitting in grass what about a bush I'd sit on a bush there's a lot something happens London Fields Victoria Park around Hackney around Hackney Downs all these places and people because it's sunny Yeah they decide we're going to socialise by sitting on the grass I still don't understand what the problem is here sitting down on the grass drinking cans out of the shop and picking bits out of plastic tubs it's just not very smart.

3:16The four I live in Nacho kit. Could we sit at a table in a nice garden? No. Or like in a terrace. Why are we sitting on the ground? Twisted. I'd say probably Mark because we don't have terraces to sit on. Twisted sideways. Always conscious of what way am I spilling? Do you know what I mean? And then the gaze take your tops off. The thong coming out. Well they're spilling. Yeah. Because you're kneeling on your elbow then the elbow gets ruined. With the dirt. And then there's a map of the grass on your elbow. Map of the grass and then your sun burnt on one side. It's just not very... Fucking stay in.

3:51Stay in till winter. But it's not very chic. It's not very comfortable. Or I don't think other countries do this. Yes they do. They're not sitting in the grass in Spain. Nobody sits in the grass. In Spain. There's no grass in Spain. It's all burnt. They're sitting at a table having a glass of wine outside a restaurant in a terrace. But you can do that anywhere in London. You can't. There's not really that many places to do it.

4:11Denis:You can. Head down towards Victoria. Towards any of those fancy places. I don't know. I don't know because there wouldn't be the sun because there's the buildings. Were you not a grass sitter when you were younger? Like when you go out in the fields? But it's different now. I'm in the public eye and I'm sweaty and I'd look a mess. I don't love it. I don't know what we could do to socialise. Maybe like a place where you could, they'd serve the drinks to you and it'd be like a covering? A building almost. Inside. I'd love that. Inside. We could call it like a drinks dispensary. A restaurant. Do you know what I mean though?

4:45it's just not it feels like being a teenager it's not very I know but everything

4:49Denis:everything we do is is not as good as it actually is it's like going on a holiday or something right you have to convince yourself it was amazing you come back it feels like a waste of time the travel is awful have you ever been to France yeah I have and sat on the grass no do you know what I mean well I'm not going I'm not spending a thousand quid to go to or fucking sit in a park in London it's free that's the whole point it's free you can go out you can bring your cans it's cheap everyone's broke so you come out and you have your little your little nacho mix from M &S because you're having a little treat even though I've been completely priced out of M &S sit down with your can of cider yeah it's awkward your elbows get sore from the grass do you know what I hate what else I'll often get invited it's I have to make up a name now give me a gay's name just make up a name uh Leonard Leonard it's Leonard's 30th birthday so for the birthday we're all going to go to London Fields and we're going to sit in the grass and you end up there's 40 people there and you end up sitting down beside some does and there's nowhere to go Declan what are we going to do with this man do you know what I mean and you're or cancel the summer because if it's a bar you're kind of walking around do you know you can kind of mingle around but once you're down you're down and you're stuck oh I do do you know what circle conversation I think you're right with that because once you sit down you are making a commitment to your grass spot Get up If you get stuck next to someone and then getting up especially as you get a little older To go where?

6:19Denis:I'm going to go over there because I don't want to talk to you anymore What is the difference between this and being in a bar though? Well you're like I'm going to the toilet or I'll go to the bar There's reasons to move Yeah But you're just Do you know what? Look I'll get on your train of misery with one thing One thing I absolutely hate are barbecues Yeah We can't do them in Ireland We can't do them in the UK We're bad at them We need to take we need to take our lessons for once from America and how they grill they grill loads of food there's a guy who's been grilling for you know every day for fucking 25 years Tony Tony's up there right like belly on the grill like singeing himself and he's he knows everything about it and you go up to Tony and you get three burgers yeah but it's whatever about the UK it's a pity in Ireland what would you have on the place?

7:05Denis:what would you get? this is the thing did you get the burger buns? I forgot the burger buns I forgot the burger buns There was none in super value And then you're just having the illusion of a barbecue It's gone cold by the time you get it It's not even there It's like, you know, I got lovely chicken wings And they're frozen in the middle And then you just end up having burnt sausages That's what everyone's having Is there a lot of that now In the heterosexual world What? You don't think kids have barbecues? I don't think they would bother You won't even sit on the grass I think there's a lot of gays that sit on the grass There's loads of gays that sit on the grass I don't know if they bother hosting a barbecue They wouldn't put in the effort They wouldn't do all that I think you can turn up, you can bring your own drinks You're fending for yourself Yeah, but just go with me on the classic Irish barbecue Well, it's a christening, it's a communion I think there's an event maybe We're going to cater at home But you're starved, you're starved to death Yeah, because it comes out and they go Oh, we've got potato salads and Lucy's and it's just one tub.

8:10Denis:Oh, and you're slow to... And then you're going up like Q &A. Yeah. You know, like you've been working the... working all day and you're getting a measly little burger. And you don't want to take too much. No, but in Tony's world, he's going to give you steak tips. He's going to give you everything. Everything you ever wanted. Want some potato salad? Yeah, of course I do, Tony. It's great. We're used to that. I don't want barbecues. Always eat before you go to a barbecue. It's the best piece of advice my dad ever gave me. And what's this, in a garden? Yeah, in a garden. It's my back garden. yeah and you know they're dragging out the barbecue and then you're there and you're like oh I wonder when it's going to start and then you hear we've no gas we've no gas and then they must go off and get a a thing of calor gas from some petrol station 400 miles away it's easier now to just order in a few chips yeah maybe and that happens too and you know what I hate actually you've got me on such a go on bad buzz now I hate when people order a takeaway and they start doing sharing stuff so they go you'll go like oh I'm going to get some naan whatever I'm going to get some naan bread some bread bread yeah oh I'll have some of that no you won't that's mine that's mine so order your own you know rice comes out and they go oh that's communal rice no no you didn't order any rice no not in a relationship in a relationship sharing everything but if it's a group of people get your own stuff some tight one then didn't pay yeah squeezed in I'll revolute you I can't download the app I forgot I can't download it it's on my old number I'll get that to you another time this is great anyway ah yeah but I'll also say with the heat

9:47there's a lot of

9:51flustered there's a lot of going people have really woken up now and they're ready to go pregnancies are up I think people are at it yeah they are this week especially this week I've never had so much interest do you know what happened to me yesterday? oh

10:11Denis:I was sitting down sitting down in a little beer garden right Lisa right next to me arm on my knee oh woman walks up gives me the fucking eye oh right in front the heat just she was I don't know she was flustered got a flush or something looked at me and Lisa looked over at me and she goes did you see that? I was like yes I did no people are I'll agree yeah they've come out the depression would still be there but you put it to the side for a few hours it's a side salad it's not a main course anymore yeah it's great but I am wrecked I've never had so much I was particularly beautiful I'd say the last I got the hair right I've kind of lost it again now today do you see this I can't tell you fringe the amount of work that goes into this little for the audio listeners there's like a little little bit of a fringe that hangs down here in the middle and if I get that right that they're they love it do you think it's kind of maybe a kind of like harking back to like a John Travolta yeah there's something there I'm just looking at myself back yourself up there I'm just looking at myself there's something now they love it and it's because it's kind of like a careless kind of careless whisper I'm just you know I don't even think about this I'd say they'd love to run their fingers through it they do and I say don't you dare because you'll ruin it speaking of up to anything at the weekend I'll go at the weekend yeah yeah I'm wrecked shopping a lot going I had a romance he said to say hello to you when did he say to say hello to me Mark this happens quite a lot during romance they'd wait a while and then say, how's Dennis?

12:04He just looks back and says, say hello to Dennis for me. How's Dennis? Big salute. Big wave. It happens quite a lot. That's great. But it's very odd. If you're having a romance and you assume you're both kind of strangers, kind of, like you've had a bit of a chat or whatever, and then you realise it's a listener.

12:25Denis:What point would you realise it's a listener then and say, oh, call us off? No, I'd never call us off. Oh, of course not. No. you're just it's just called grandstanding I think but there'd be some little comment and be like how do you know that and then you realise I'd say say hello to Dennis probably twigged it for you how do you know who's Dennis and then but then you have nothing to talk about because yeah everyone knows everything so what's the that was it yeah lovely very nice but yeah he said to say hello I won't say his name but where did you where did you meet him I don't even know the phone the phone in off the street they're all desperate this week follow you in they're shocking this week they're they're really you know they're on display peacocking Dalston is treacherous really dangerous I have to like I can't I can't get anything done and like you know the way I I see him oh your neck I see him from afar I actually do think you'll develop some sort of neck problem I see them from afar and they have the small little vests now and they've been all working hard for the winter you can tell they've all been in the gym for the winter misery going in there five o 'clock in the morning in the dark they're ready now to show it off it's a bit of a parade in London isn't it it's a big parade it's a bit pressurised though what about the parade yesterday oh my god the parade did you go down to the London Marathon um no absolutely not so I because I work out on the in the public realm on the streets as a tour guide can I also say anyone listening if they would like an LGBT walking tour I have quite a lot of gaps to fill so please I hear you're doing running tours soon well that'd be good wouldn't it yeah you could have a headset and you could fly around in 20 minutes yeah because the walking tours the most kind of exhausting bit is the walking between the do you know what I mean the two most exhausting bits are the walking and the tour but the talking like you tell a little story and then you have 10 minutes sometimes to get to the next bit.

14:33Denis:Does it ever feel weird when you're walking ahead of everyone? Is that weird? Do you know like you notice a group following you behind? Yeah. And I'll often bump into someone in Soho and they don't know that I do this. Why are these like eight random people from all walks of life just around you? I had a lovely yeah I had a few listeners as well. Oh yeah? Again asking for you. They're all asking for you. You're not hard to find or you're you are hard to find. What do you mean? Like they can't they can't find you they can't see you that often so they always find me and then they're asking for you I feel like you're muddying the waters there a little bit I feel like there's more opportunities to find you yes I present the opportunities true present myself a lot but no I avoided the city during the marathon and anyone who's in the walking tour business behind this is oh you're pissed off this is a little scoop now we have to cancel the tours you just can't you really just can't walk around because every street is blocked but that's fine great people love the running but I did so I did extra tours on Saturday yeah to try and you know catch up on what I was losing on Sunday and they're the fucking children marathon or whatever it's called you know the family so I still got caught we start again do you know we might have to start again the family one do you know about it they do like a mini one on the Saturday a lot of children around the streets I a lot of children and very difficult families in from oh god knows where blocking off they're so annoying all over the place and they're all seems to be kids they're around like between 8 and 12 they're just annoying they're worse getting in the way probably off sitting on grass then and everything getting in the way enjoying themselves yeah yeah skipping hopping so you weren't excited about the London Marathon then?

16:23Denis:I thought it was amazing I thought it was like a real show of lovely things it is between human beings and much needed at the moment. It is. Tell us more. There was one guy who was carrying a fridge 25 kg and he's back. Oh, Marty, what the hell is wrong with you? Come on, tell me what you think about that. Look at this. Go on, tell us. No, why did they do that? You summer grinched. What was your exact thought there? Why? Why make it so difficult? So he has a gene in his family that causes dementia. Oh God, okay. So this is like a weight he was carrying for his whole family and everyone's suffering from dementia.

17:11Denis:Enjoy that one? I can't see it. Okay. So that was amazing. Symbolic. Symbolic. Struggle. But it also was like a little 25kg weight, which is really impressive. He did in five hours or something. We had world records broken. I saw that. No, I have to say, right? under two hours first time it's been done in a race I think yeah in a marathon and the guy who came second did it under two hours as well oh but he came second so he's shit so he broke the record but someone else the guy ahead of him as well oh furious and then another person two hours finished it in something like eight hours I saw that she came in yeah I saw her she was good because she has MS I think is it yeah yeah and she was flying that was great she's at the last person.

17:57Do people give up?

17:58Denis:You can finish it up until 12 o 'clock that night. There was a guy who did it as a snail last year and crawled it and it took him two weeks. You think that's a lie? It's true. It took him two weeks. There was a really cool one in Cork a few years ago. I actually, probably 10 years ago, no. Where there was a guy and he was taking ages to finish, an older fella. And the whole place stayed to cheer him on and he got the best. What is happening, Mark, here? What charity? Is it? Yeah. Do you think it is? No, not I think it is. Or is it a, I need something, my life is, I just need something to focus on.

18:36Denis:No, they're all raising money. So there was 1.1 million people applied to be in the marathon, right? And I think 69 ,000 people ran. But it's a ballot system unless you do a charity spot and then you raise money. And there's lots more, I think, charity spots. So you could get in on a charity and raise money for them and dress up. There was another guy ran in his all his leathers for his motorbike. That'd be nice. Yeah. He ran because his son died last year. God, you're really throwing me around here. I can't say a word. I'm leaving the explanation up until the end.

19:15I can't say anything. Brilliant. It's all grace. Yeah, it is fantastic. I have absolutely no interest or desire to ever to do it myself. I've no desire

19:26Denis:I've no desire either most people like I'm not saying most people a lot of people hate it like yesterday when I was sitting in that beer garden what would happen is if a person comes in with their medal on the whole place starts cheering them they all start cheering them right and they come in and it's like everyone's celebrating it it never made me feel so miserable but do you think it made me feel miserable I'm going to be controversial no way shocked Kelsey Brees you get that kind of feeling quite often like you do things that people know about and they clap and they say you're great so mark well you're no no do you think maybe it's an opportunity because most people don't have that most people just have normal lives and work and have families and just go along every day.

20:25Do you think it's like the same way I put loads of effort and energy and time into like a show? No, no, I get it, right? Because I want to do it.

20:35Denis:But also I want a bit of... As I look at you now up on your very high horse, I have to say that like, are you saying that running 26 miles is the same as, and training for like most of the year, is the same as us doing 10 minutes on a Thursday night? Excuse me, my show is... 55 minutes. 55, yeah. And there are six songs. Yeah. And one of them has a very high note. But a marathon is about... No, I know. Four hours long. Oh, God. So you're saying, isn't it nice for them? Isn't it nice for those peasants running the marathon? The public. I saw then loads of famous people. Yeah, there was. Just thrown in the mix.

21:17Yeah, Gordon Ramsay was there cheering on his daughter. Yeah, an equaliser.

21:21Denis:Friend of mine got a high five off him. Yeah. There was one of the... What's the boy band? Big famous boy band, Harry Styles. Yeah, One Direction. One of the people like that, I think. Okay. I think one of them did it. But they do it in disguise. In disguise? Mm-hmm. In disguise. On the ground in disguise. Up in disguise. Would you never do it? No desire. Well, I know that I physically would not be able to. I don't think I don't think it's possible With the pacemaker Just Oh I could be the pacemaker Or the pace What are they called? Pacer Pacer yeah I could be the pace setter Yeah That'd be nice Yeah No I think you can do A 12 minute mile With the pacemaker There's people with awful things have been able to do it Yeah That's not the problem I'm just lazy and I have no interest There's people with awful things There's people like you can do But that's shocking People who are like really really sick somehow managed to do it.

22:21Yeah. Wild. Sure's lads on wheelchairs now. Yeah.

22:25Denis:What do you mean why? I don't know. What are you talking about? It's the same as going up the mountains and what's it for? Look, Is it setting the goal? So there was a blind guy Yeah. who ran yesterday and he had to run with his friend Yeah. because he was blind. And so he leads him through the place. Yeah. Right? So you could see like, yeah, Grant, I'm blind. that'd be cool to do something like that because it's something he can do, right? Because that's things he probably can't do. He's like, oh, I'm out there doing it. And he raised loads of money for stuff. The money, we can't argue the money.

22:58Denis:Now, what I will take aim at is the super normies in the office by the water cooler telling you about their training for the marathon. You know, like Hugo or even Tom. Takes over the life, doesn't it? Yeah. In those situations, when they're talking to me about what kind of new balance runners they have I'm out I'd have to walk away yeah I'd have to walk away too I don't think I'll ever do it it's a bit like getting married do it if you want to do it go and do it I don't need to hear about it sorry this is advice well I don't need to hear about it every day what for six months before if you were getting married we would never hear the end of it well people want to hear me talk we'll take a break this show is part of Headstuff Podcasts here's another show you might like hi sorry oh god I didn't mean to interrupt your podcast sorry I'm young yes I'm hot and I'm gay and we're young hot guys yes really I apologise for interrupting but we have our own podcast yes it's also on the Headstuff Podcast Network sorry for interrupting but it's really good and I didn't want to say this but it's actually really really really good really funny my mum says so we are three guys but we're not real blokey do you know what I mean we're soft and friendly and nice yeah like this timid request to ask and listen to our podcast exactly we're not going to bash you over the head we're approachable men so listen when you're finished this one don't you know what I mean yeah there's a good perk on one but if you don't we will bash you over the head I know people anyway enjoy the podcast no threat we're back you have a big slurp you're doing your best to end the podcast today I'd like to apologise to anyone offended I think it's great that people do what they want to do.

24:46You've talked to your solicitor in Kildare during the break. Maureen. Maureen, text him. Fitzpatrick, Fitzgerald's has been in touch. I think it's great that everyone does everything. Oh, very good. Very well put. Thanks so much. Did we see Nicola Coughlin on SNL? I didn't, no. Irish people taking over the show. I like her. That's all I have to say. I just think she's great. I think everyone's grace

25:14Denis:oh you got it in there anyway I got it in do you hear that Nicola? so the washing machine which one? my one done in an awful state you'll like this because it is miserable yeah we someone came over to the house the other night she had no we're going to notice a good long while now right but she has still for whatever reason refused to put some clothes in my house. Okay. Alright. Do you know that probably happens? She won't leave a few bits. Yeah. Your house must be packed. Sometimes we find underpants or I don't know whose this is. There's been times I'd like put on a t-shirt and realise this doesn't belong to anyone.

26:04Denis:You put on like a Newcastle United jersey. Whose is this? And then I might like take a picture and then some fella would be like that's mine. I'd say down the back of the bed must be interesting yeah oh yeah yeah but no you'd be fairly clear it's yours or hers yeah i know it would be no mistaking it yeah um yeah

26:26Denis:i know awful but um so she she came over anyway and she said she'll come over as long as she can throw the tights into the wash okay right so i was like yeah we can do that we can throw the tights in the wash we can get them dry no problem at all yeah right so I put the tights into the wash and then put them on to dry the next morning I got up and she said go out now and check the tights for me see if they're dry I said no problem at all honey I know what happened so I went out I opened up the washing machine door yeah and about 50 gallons of water came out of the washing machine tights flooded me and just one pair of tights they went into the thing that gets sucked into the thing.

27:11Denis:Is that what happened? Yeah. Yeah, ruined. Now my washing machine is broken. My kitchen was flooded. And of course, but the thing is, we've only got one pair of tights. So I came back in and she set it in early dry and I said, they need another 15 minutes because I couldn't start that at that early in the morning. So I said, you know what? I'm going to give myself 15 minutes now. I'm going to pretend they're drying. I'm going to pretend... Did you find them where they're stuck in the... Yeah, they were like wrapped around and all over the washing machine. But they're also soaked, right? But also my kitchen is now flooded.

27:44Denis:So I just ignored it. I just came back in. And then we ended up in Sainsbury's getting the tights, right? But after this, I texted or emailed the, whatever they're called, the people who rob all my money every month. And I messaged them and I said, hey, look, I'm a handyman. I'm a very, very handy guy, right? So I know what's wrong with this. The pump is gone. I know it's not. It's not all the crap they're going to tell me. so email them and say hey the pump is gone like we need to have a person out to have a look at it probably needs to be replaced but I'd say the whole unit needs to be replaced it's probably like 13 years old blah blah blah here you go bang guy gets back to me and he goes what's his name we call him Colin this is landlord landlord's representative oh fuck agent yeah useless Colin gets back to me right so useless Colin says hi there's a what you need to do there now is there's plenty of tutorials online and they'll show you how to empty your washing machine using the little valve down below.