#66 Madonna says no phones and Denis has an injury

0:00Denis:Do you ever hear of the toy Big Big Loader? Okay. Welcome to this week's episode of Your Internet Boyfriends. Hello, Mark T. Cox. Hello, Dennis Lennon. This week we're talking about straight dads, toy boys and Big Big Loaders. And Dennis will be telling us all about his injured piece. This show is part of the Headstuff Podcast Network. Sorry, I'm eating a biscuit. He's having a biscuit. Do it into the microphone, they'd like that. Yeah. Lovely Lovely biscuit all gone What did you have? Bourbon cream of course Okay Because you know I have to tighten the belt It's the best bang for buck out there They are good value I've started Having a meal deal Not like me I like a sit down lunch I like a sit down lunch I like to spend

0:56£17.50 on a chicken Caesar salad.

1:00Denis:Yeah, yeah, yeah. You are, you have, you know, you've got like the mentality of a 37-year-old woman. I am. Almost. Do you know what I mean? Brunch-wise, like. Yeah, but I would do that on a, just a normal midweek, just Wednesday. I'm popping out for lunch. Yeah, yeah. You'd be, you'd spot you in bills having brunch for one. Yeah. And then you'd get a juice on top of it and your bill would be £56. And I don't realise a lot of people don't do that. They bring their lunch, they get a sandwich from Tesco. I can't. I thoroughly understand it though, like eating your desk in a canteen or eating your lunch at a desk or in a canteen.

1:43Oh, it's tough. I can't do it. Someone you don't know asking you what's in your plastic box. It is tough.

1:52Denis:I'm out the window. Your overnight oats, checking your emails. I really can't. As you slowly take a bullet out of the other bag. But I'm trying to tighten the belt because I'm getting... Oh, do you know what happened? I went... Because I have a lot of cash. I have a lot of cash. Yeah. In my work. I get paid cash for some things. So often I have to go to the bank. I'm genuinely not sure if we should say this on... No, no, no. Because it's tips and things like tour guiding. Tips. No, I guess. It's all... No, no, no. I'm not talking about tax work I'm talking about someone robbing you Oh no it's in the bank Oh yeah that's right I'll fucking take it I don't know I don't care anymore Just give me something to talk about On this show That'd be exciting wouldn't it No it wouldn't I got robbed I used to work in a shop And I used to have to walk to the bank With about£20 ,000 In a backpack You can't be at that Me and some fella security lad who would be 22 years old half asleep hung over walking down Stephen's Green 20 grand in the packet cash Holy crap every night same time same route It would be in the morning down to the bank Clearing out the till or the night safe Very easy to clock it And now Dennis is wearing a beautiful blouse lovely for Christmas lovely to make a splash I think before we get into this I have to reveal to the listeners the arse If I'm a little bit Down tempo today It's because I'm struggling With an injury To My arse The arse Oh I'm dead I'm dead from it I wanted to talk I honestly I wanted to talk About my beautiful blows And then I just lost The will to live You're gone Yeah What happened to the arse Something wrong with my tailbone Cock six Who knew it would be me Out of everyone in this house Yeah The broken arse It happens to be me Okay what about the ring What about the donut I haven't ventured for the donut yet.

3:54Denis:I mean, nothing against the donut people. You know, you all have to do it, but I haven't gone for the donut yet. Who do I know has one of them? I know someone has one of them. Why do they need it? Remember the fella that broke himself on the bicycle? Oh, yeah? He still suffers occasionally on a long flight. Oh, so let's the gooch hang free. Right? He could lend you the blow-up cushion. Yeah, it must be flat. Do you know what you could do is a neck cushion? That was suggested. and then you have the space that was suggested Lisa actually offered a neck cushion sit on it but I felt that if I sat in that neck cushion and it exploded or was burst are they inflatable?

4:31no they're soft ones cushion spongy what?

4:35Denis:oh it does have air in it spongy no this one has air in it I think and I just felt that if I burst out of something it would cause me even more pain in terms of yeah I could see it Joe you could sit it so you have the open bit at the back and the arse Yeah, out Out And when did it happen? I think it happened after some prolonged sitting Do you know, I get it sometimes I find Come on I find I often get a pain in the arse If I make a burst of doing sit-ups Do you ever get that? If I do a round of crunches Oh, you mean the tailbone I meant specifically the arse. Oh no. No. Don't mind me. But the, what do you have?

5:26Denis:But have you ever got that random shooting pain up the arse? Yeah, of course. You know, where you're like cleaning the kitchen. It's like, whoa. Yeah, yeah. You know, just out of nowhere. The devil. Do you know, I fell off. I had a small little blue tractor when I was younger. And I fell off that. And I think I broke my, my tailbone at that point. But that was around the time where injuries weren't real in Ireland. Oh yeah, get up. Yeah, so I was just told to get up. Even though I was in, maybe, because I can still remember, it right maybe the worst pain of my entire life and I was told to just shut up and get up and go in and eat a scone or something did you have a trailer do you know what I was anti-trailer right I was anti-trailer I didn't I didn't want trailers I don't know why I wanted I wanted the tractor to be the seat at the back and the the bucket at the front and I didn't want trailers oh you had a lifty bucket yeah if I or more like JCB Yeah, you know the ones.

6:21Denis:You've seen the classic. Not a tractor. A tractor would be pulling. Well, no, this was a blue tractor. And the reason, do you know what? I would have been better off with a trailer. The reason was because all the weight distributed to the back. Then I slipped off the thing. If I had a trailer on the back of it, it would have been grand. You tipped. Yeah, I tipped over. Dead. At what age? I'd say I was five. No, I was six. What would you put in the bucket at the front? I know I'm going around the house this year. It didn't have a bucket in the front. This is the whole problem. I wanted one with the bucket in the front.

6:50Denis:And I got this one. What was it for? Just driving around the place. To be honest, you could barely go around doing these things. Did you have a tractor when you were younger? I had a tractor when I was younger. I had two professions. First of all, and my friend across the road, we used to be farmers. And we used to do the silage every summer. So we used to go around picking up hay. And we'd drive, very serious. And we'd drive around. He had a baler. Do you know what that is? like an actual baler yeah yeah like a like a like a fully functioning toy baler so you go around and it scoops up the grass no way and it turns it into a little solid baler an actual bale yeah yeah what age were you I was probably 7 he was maybe 10 was he loaded no no just centi this sounds like the start of a book by the way Santa Claus so we used to do that and he was a bit older and I thought he was very cool I remember being in a farmer's house after a house party and there was about six or seven Eastern European lads sleeping on mattresses all over the place for silage yeah and they're out night and day night and day if you get good weather you can't stop there's a family down the road oh my god they'd have 20 tractors up and down the road non-stop for till like 2 o 'clock in the morning and it was always a big like there they go up and down I'm thinking about it now I think they had a bit of celebrity which I would often admire because they'd come into the pub and they'd be sweating and they'd be working all day and everyone would give them a big pat on the back.

8:20Oh, great job there. Did the whole field. What's that? At the start of something. A bit of a, another book, different type of book. Some of them were lovely and they'd have a lovely tan then. They'd be out in the sun and they'd be covered in muck.

8:37Denis:Mediterranean, Galway tan. Well, there's that kind of olive kind of, do you know those Irish people? Yeah, yeah. There's a bit of olive skin and brown eyes and they'd be out in the sun and they'd be covered in muck and grass. I feel like there's kind of a celebrity thing you have with Ennis. Like you had the woman who owned the shop. Everyone really had their job. I think it's because as well, people talk so much about everyone. You hear the same kind of couple of sentences about every person over and over and over. He's the man with the house with 20 bedrooms. or do you know yeah I know like there's the guy like we had the guy called the mole why is that he looked like a mole alright I nearly spent he lived down he lived down the road that was the mole yeah and it would get said over and over and over yeah I don't think people here have that same kind of character because no one cares about anyone enough to talk about them well I was I was in someone's house and they had a milk that was delivered by a milkman yeah and I had this profound thought where I was like wow isn't that so cool that like they have a milkman and it gives you something in common with your neighbours Yeah that you wouldn't normally have especially in London or something right so you'd all have the same milkman you'd all have the same breadman it's this like thread that can you know it's a common thread that could tie you together with your neighbours that isn't there anymore We had Michael Coote What did Michael Coote do?

10:04He used to have a shop in the back of a van I think Michael Coote was stealing things Is that his name? If the listeners because there was a time like when I was very young the early 90s a lot of women couldn't drive still and there was a load of housewives still kind of stuck at home and the shop would come to the house.

10:30Denis:Oh yeah, we used to get the well sorry actually sorry I'm skipping over here but we used to get the we used to go into Super Value and write down a piece of paper or a dress pop it into the shopping bags and a guy in a van would bring it up. Yeah. So you'd walk into town. So my mother wasn't driving. She didn't drive. She didn't drive for a while. Yeah. It was very normal. But this man would come, it's kind of like the bread man, but then he'd have a few other bits. And he might tempt you. You started off as a bread man. Yeah, and then he'd have, just a stereo. We had jobs done at home. I won't say any names.

11:02But like, shocking. Very bad. But you wouldn't like to say anything. You should give him a lot of jobs. We wouldn't like to offend them and say, you know, it didn't work. Or it didn't work. You know, it broke after, six months so you just go and replace it and take do you imagine that like no people afraid to kind of cause a fuss because they're neighbours and you don't want to upset them even though they've painted

11:25Denis:your house terribly yeah yeah I know shocking there's a few builders oh there's houses built at home by a few fellas no insulation in them or anything awful and oh but you wouldn't like you'd like to give them a bit of work it's like he doesn't do it right why are you giving him the work as long as they're facing the road Jesus Jesus. Did you ever hear of the toy Big Big Loader? Okay. Did you ever want Big Big Loader? What was that? Big Big Loader. You remember that? Was it yellow? It was yellow. It was a Big Big Loader. Like it had a big load on the front of it. Like a JCB? Yes. But it was like the kind of the final form of your classic tractor.

12:09Denis:Yeah. Massive. A big one. Yeah. With like a lifty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that was when at the height of children's advertising where they would put an immense amount of pressure on everyone in the house. Big money. Yeah, and you'd get the Argos catalogue or something and you'd start circling everything. What was the one toy you wanted that you never got? I think I kind of got what I wanted. Of course you did. I'll rephrase it. What was the best toy you got that you wanted? My keyboard. Oh, your keyboard. My piano. Or actually my piano. I got a piano, like a real piano. When I was whatever age.

12:42And I thought I was. Liberace. How much in old money? I couldn't tell you. Like a wood. Like a solid wood thing. Like a big piece of furniture. Where did they get that from? Michael Coote? Some woman. Some woman. Down the road. Secondhand. It was lovely. And I used to be bashing away on it every night. And the neighbours would come around. My mother's friends would come to visit. And I'd have to play a song. Before they could have their tea.

13:09Denis:And you liked that? I loved that. Most people Most kids would have hated that They would have started crying I'd play a bit of Avril Lavigne Or I'd play A skater boy for all the women I had a book of Avril Lavigne songs And I used to play them For all the old women And then I had a friend next door And she used to come over and sing My Heart Will Go On That's a difficult one to sing What age was she? She was I was What age was Titanic? I was seven or eight She was maybe twelve The two of you inside Big performance. Twice a week. Same song. We weren't that good, but it became a bit of a go-to number.

13:53People would come to hear it. They would not come to hear it. Do you see why I am the way I am? Who would come to hear it? I know the way you are. I can see it. I couldn't just sit down.

14:03Denis:I had to do a performance. The positive reinforcement you got throughout your life is amazing. I had to do a show. Yeah. Every time someone came into the house I had to do a show. You have the classic like almost Graham Norton seat story. Yeah. You know. And was he a performer when he was in there? Never stopped. Yeah, all the time. Dancing. Irish dancing. Used to do that around the kitchen. You can't Irish dance. I did set dancing. I was very good. Really? Yeah. I used to do a bit of that around the kitchen. Around the kitchen? That doesn't count. Who taught you how to set dance? Oh no, I went to classes.

14:37I went to, I did the competitions. I did it all. Scorn and Oog. Scorn and Oog and what are they called? Oh my God. Flags. I'm traumatised, yeah. It was not actually that fun. It was very serious. Jesus. So strict. A bit of crack. It's so rigid. So I broke out solo. I didn't like being, because there's eight people there in a circle and there's no one special. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to be in formation. You George Michael did. And I didn't like that I had to Because I'd be thrown in a flourish But that's not What Set dancing is about I should have done Irish dancing Like step dancing Where you go out Into the front

15:19Denis:Imagine Imagine if you Had the capability To Irish dance Kicking I couldn't I couldn't hack it Did you Yeah Who was Like did you have Did you have a Like an older Guy crush In Ennis When you were a kid Yeah

15:39I liked this fella I think I was in first or second year to be very careful now I'll blur the dates a small bit but he was in transition year do you know what that is? yeah yeah I had transition year did you do it? yeah oh you did? yeah yeah for the listeners transition year is when you're about 14 or 15 you've done your first set of exams your GCSEs your junior cert and then before you go into your big grown up cycle of your A levels your leaving cert they give you a break because you're too much of a twat I don't know what it's about you can find yourself for the year and you can do a little bit of woodwork and you can do a bit of acting and you can go out and do an apprenticeship it is a bit of a dossier well you can find your way if you're not sure what you want to do It's transition into the next, picking your subjects for your final exams.

16:36And I found in our school, a lot of the lads that did the transition year were a small little bit creative. Oh, right. Do you know? And it was always a clue. A bit different. There might be a little bit of something there. Yeah. So, and then they all did the musical. That was the big moment of the transition year. The sign. well so yeah so they kind of again they had a bit of celebrity about them because they'd be the lead and one of them would be the lead in the musical and I thought that was very exciting and was one of these the lead in the musical yeah I've actually not I don't know how he turned out you'll be checking him after this I don't know how he turned out I can't remember I can't remember his name

17:23Denis:do you know there was a girl that I really fancied in school and she was ahead of me oh and I was I remember she was she was really cool as well. How much? How many years? Not that much, but in boys to girls' age, it may as well be 20 years, you know, when you're that age. Could be two years. So like if you're in first year and they're in fourth year or something, it's, it might as well be different. Yeah. Cougar. Species. Yeah. Right. But yeah, I really, I fancied her. Did you tell her? She was a bit alternative, whatever. But then I got with her later on. As a grown up? As a grown up. Oh. And that was, that was a really lovely moment.

17:59And Was it what you What you expected

18:03Denis:It was everything I wanted Yeah Wow Thoroughly enjoyed it Hmm Yeah A few times Didn't go any further Okay What kind of alternative Alternative like In the Very Sum 41 Very Blink 182 Avril Lavigne Oh Avril Lavigne Avril Lavigne Like the The Avril Lavigne of car Okay Yeah They were cool girls Very cool They were cool girls Totally out of my depth At the time to handle any sort of attitude like that. Yeah. You know, I would have been, I would have thought I would have been able to. Yeah. She was in charge. Well, no, I mean, at that time, yes. But we were more equal, I think. You were tie-bye. Yeah, it was, yeah.

18:45Denis:It was great. Loved it. Do you know, my mother used to always make jokes about that. That was like an, that seems to be like an Irish thing. Oh, this is my tie-bye. Like any young flower would walk in. This is my tie-bye, no? It'd be allowed to paint in the house. this is my tie-bye now and you think back and you're like you can't fucking say that I'm just here to do the tiles this is my tie-bye this is my tie-bye no there was a lot of yeah I think women I think women a lot of abuse there kind of dismissed as a bit of crack tie-bys they would yeah you'll come back later on okay we'll take a break we'll take a small break we're back I'm still holding this coffee Yeah, my coffee's long gone and cold.

19:30And better now, when I sat down, I was very sleepy. I had a schnitzel for the lunch.

19:38Denis:Oh yeah? And it was very big. We went to the Ned. Do you know what that is? No. Oh, it's very posh. It's very fancy. And we sat down and I lost control. And I started just, I just ordered everything. Do you know when you kind of say, oh fuck it? you're a good person to go for breakfast with why is that because you lose the plot a little bit and I like that I get it all yeah I love that in a breakfast I'll have the granola and I'll have the fry and I'll have maybe a bit of fruit yeah and I might have the orange juice it could be 70 pounds and then you'll get four hash browns I love that I have no willpower when it comes to breakfast so I love going to breakfast with you I forget that there is a budget I really let loose so we went and it was lovely but I'm very full now I got the mash the mash really really sends me to sleep what fucking time is it?

20:31that was lunch alright okay lunch I got the schnitzel I got the mash I got the spinach there was an egg on top of it so very sleepy but I've had I've had a few coffees now me too I'm still admiring my lovely jacket yeah you haven't taken your eyes off yourself I can't get over it it's beautiful do you know I have the shoulder pads as well

20:51Denis:there's no need to go to the gym no it's bang on a shoulder pad I have them in the other blouse that I wear. They're great. Makes me feel great. They just fill you out lovely. You know, people didn't hear this, but before we started, we said you looked, because you're not wearing that blouse, but you were seated in a certain way. Yeah. And you looked very much like a straight dad. Oh, I was this way, kind of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Waiting for my dinner. I think it's great that that comes out on you. Sometimes I think it's very funny. Do you ever do things where you think you're your dad? I talk like him a bit He's always making jokes I think this funny voice comes out of all of them At home What can I say No he's not like that at all He's very good He'd be thinking of all the things that might go wrong Bit of a worrying Maybe not worrying But just practical And a bit realistic About what might happen Along the way If we're going to mass, we have to leave because there could be traffic on the road.

22:00I like that. I respect that. I like to predict the problems. I like to think of all the things that might go wrong before they go wrong.

22:07Denis:My dad has a notepad and he writes down if he did the same journey again, how long it took him. Right. He tries to beat it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and a little notepad. Doesn't show it to anyone. Keeps track. That's what he does. did you say you were pretending to be a father or something what were you saying about children my question is so straightforward compared to yours you were pretending to be someone's father what did you say I was babysitting no what I was looking after babies what I was going to ask you I'll tell you what to babysit in a minute what I was going to ask you or kind of get onto was like there is if I'm being honest there's part of me that feels like it would actually be quite nice to be a typical straight dad sometimes back in the 90s somewhere where you could sit down, come in after work it's half five sit down and go there's the dinner on the table go in then and watch I don't know what they watched Nationwide Only Fools and Horses, Match of the Day into bed sleep I'd say Nationwide about the house, first city and the news at nine oh I don't think they'd watch Fair City we're in different houses they wouldn't watch Fair City that's my house and maybe Dermot Dermot Bannon house or Supergarden one of those well we have to go back 20 30 years whatever fucking year it is now okay you know we have to go way back way back so your dad would have been 30 years younger in the 90s yeah so he would have been coming home watching Fresh Prince of Bel-Air or something

23:48this guy is mad

23:50Denis:yeah The Simpsons Simpsons, yeah Are those Simpsons on again? That was a very common phrase Are those Simpsons? Are those Simpsons on again? Those yellow lads I suppose, yeah But like they were struggling away, you know There was no money No, this is like a hypothetical Well, to be honest You were getting pianos and stuff So it sounds like you were in a grand state Doing the patio outside and stuff I think they were saving for that now Where were you getting the money from? No, yeah, I mean like we were all quite the same but I'm just saying like God didn't they wouldn't it be nice life simpler you know I suppose there wasn't if maybe there wasn't the going there wasn't the commitments during the week of going I saw a screensaver for Windows 95 and it was a fish going across in an aquarium and there was bubbles coming out of a little bit of coral at the bottom right and it was so slow and I remember putting on screensaver to watch and watch them you had nothing to do that's what life was like i think it was what are you doing now what's keeping you busy well my arse is broken so i have to keep an eye on that yeah i have about 50 000 things to do for this podcast that's right um i'm in a relationship with a very fast-moving powerful woman which is great she's all go she is all go yeah she's gone again the cat's staying with me wish gone um she's gone it's back now when you're listening to this but she's gone she's gone I was like can I say where she's gone she's gone she's gone to somewhere very cool she's gone so you have the cat the big cat is at home with me and you're all action and we're going to 20 things this week I know what you mean oh shite we're the king tomorrow that's going to be fun yeah you can stand up that's going to be really fun we're going to have to look very nice for that oh he's having a panic I'm having a panic shouldn't have said anything do you know what I'm finding really hard is to do something and then go to something else and to think of what do I put on at 8 o 'clock in the morning that's going to suit all the day into the night.

25:56Denis:Well, bring me through your day then. What do you have to get ready for? Tomorrow I'm in my big boy job. Right, so that's grand. I have to dress up in a bag. I have a laptop in a bag. That's fine, we can check it in. It's really fancy. Like super fancy. What shoe do I wear? If I wear a nice shoe I'm going to be wrecked all day in the office running around. No, you have your runners under the desk and your brown shoes on afterwards. The runners under the desk. You won't do it. You're big assics. Where are your New Balance? Oh, there's some people at work have like, they have their kind of work clothes kept in the office.

26:29Yeah. They have a blazer just left in the office. Banging on. Banging on and then you're ready to go if there's an urgent last minute meeting. Speaking of blazers