#67 Local elections and Denis learns a new (shocking) term

0:01Ready to soundtrack your summer? With Red Bull Summer All Day Play, you choose a playlist that fits your summer vibe the best. Are you a festival fanatic, a deep end DJ, a road dog, or a trail mixer? Just add a song to your chosen playlist and put your summer on track. Red Bull Summer All Day Play. Red Bull gives you wings. Visit redbull.com slash bright summer ahead to learn more. See you this summer. focus features in blumhouse present obsession when i have a crush on a guy no one knows be careful i wish nikki loved me more than anyone in the entire world who you wish for obsession is 96 fresh on rotten tomatoes i love you so so so so much it's blood-soaked nightmare

0:47Denis:fuel what kind of supposed to put on her you have been warned obsession rated r under 17 Not a Minute Without Parent. Only in theatres May 15th. With special engagements in Dolby. It's an enclosed room of, I would say, I'd say 95 % homosexuals. Welcome to this week's episode of Your Internet Boyfriends. Hello, Mark Teacocks. Hello, Dennis Lenn. This week we're talking about crotches, elections and romance on the mild male line. And I'll be telling Dennis all about my new page three modelling career. This show is part of the Headstuff Podcast Network. All right, Mark, how are you getting on? Hello.

1:25Denis:All right, I'm going to sing you a little song. Oh. What's that grimace about? I can sing too, you know, I just don't do it. All right. Listen. As you walk in the garden, do-do-do-do-do, in the garden of Eden, do-do-do-do-do, with a beautiful woman. Does that ring any bells? Does that song ring any bells in your Irish mind as to where you heard that? I don't know why it came into my head as I just came in here. Very fast. It's a slow... Sorry, I'm doing a fast version of it. but that was just a Is it Elvis Presley? I don't think it's Elvis Presley Elvis Presley is I don't know Who is it? I have no idea who sings it Why are you asking?

2:01Denis:Because it was on an advert Oh? Do you remember this? It was on an advert in the cinemas about God maybe 20 years ago Do you remember this? And it would come on and it'd be like the new Star Trek movie's coming out pew pew pew pew and then this song would come on and it was all about this is where it happens and it would be the picture of a graveyard this is where it happens a toilet this is where it happens a bedroom and it was a big scary warning about unwanted pregnancies sex yeah I do remember it and it was and it had that weird song in it and it was like you better use a condom or you'll die as you walk in the garden nice and slow yeah sexy no not it's not it's not meant to be a sexy ad it's a warning it's kind of one of those weird you know public information yes yeah yeah public what are they called PSA PSA do you remember that there's a hint of it if anyone out there remembers it I remember it I remember I remember it being very scary there was no people in it it was just showing locations that you might get pregnant yeah and was the cinema one of them is that what they're saying I don't think anyone's someone bashed it out in the cinema I suppose I have the law of averages someone has maybe that's it you're on this sexy date everyone used to get floopered in the cinema.

3:21Yeah. Oh my God.

3:22Denis:Such an odd place to do it though. So they might be saying that's grand but don't go any further. Yeah, that's what they said. There's no options. They said fingering is okay. Pregnancy, no way. That was the slogan. Okay, what brought that to your mind? I've no idea. I'd say it was probably all the filth talk that yourself and Declan get onto before we get in here. I have a lot to get out before I turn on the cameras. In the next two weeks, Declan will be on a mic and I can't wait for him to get on a mic because I'm about to go into a conspiracy theory between the three of you, the three of us.

3:56Denis:I'll get on to that in a minute. But I just want to say, and I said this a few weeks before, since Declan has come on, the chat has gone out of control. The gates are open. The things that are being talked about, I'm starting to feel like, is this normal? Oh, you're a minority? Yeah, I'm in the minority, but I'm just trying to get a gauge in it. I mean, you were almost late today. I was nearly late today I was very professional and I turned down multiple romance. Yeah? Very specific romances. Applications. Oral applications. Oral applications. There's two hygienists on to you that have a look.

4:30I said I have to go and do a podcast. Yeah? And you told us about it. I have to talk to these people. The listeners are waiting. That's what I'm doing for these fans. Sacrificing my romantic life.

4:41Denis:Yeah? And there was some mention of sausages before this? Yeah. Ispini? There's a fella, I have a I shouldn't give him any attention now because he'll love this, but I have a fella that messages me a lot and he calls me Clonicilty. That's his nickname.

5:01And I don't reply.

5:02Denis:No, why would that be? Yeah. Why would that? Actually That's his nickname and he likes to But Clonicilty aren't. No, the pudding. The big pudding, the round pudding. Oh, I thought it was a sausage. because I was thinking they are like they're not technically skinless. No, no, the pudding just the size of the pudding. Oh, the size of the pudding. Okay, great. Do you like white or black pudding? Both equally. Yeah. Thank you. Thanks very much. Nearly caught me. I like them both equally. Delicious. One of them is superior. Can't say it. It is. Can't say that. 100%. So, yeah. Wait, on to the next point of the agenda, whatever you say.

5:49Denis:He's laughing over there, right? If people are looking at Instagram during the week, I just want to bring you through my couple of days during the week, right? We are doing a gig. It's sold out in Boys Boys Boys Gallery. Yes. Right? If you're lucky enough to get a ticket, we'll see you there. Right? Fantastic. Very intimate show. We're going to do an episode and Q &A afterwards, right? With a host there. It's going to be amazing, right? We selected photographs to advertise those tickets. That's right. Right? We went through them. We said, we'll do A, B and C. Here you go. I was on the phone then.

6:19Denis:I was on the phone to Lisa about six hours later. Yes. And she goes, that's a bit of a saucy picture on Instagram. I said, who, Mark? She goes, no, you. I was like, I haven't put up any photographs. You had the handful. And suddenly, the three photos we selected weren't there at all. And it was the crotch photo. No, I was led to believe that it was the organizer who picked this. But actually, thinking about it afterwards, I was like, was it E2? little back of the bus lads. Can Ivan. Said, throw up the crotch on. Scheming. Yeah. Well, maybe not intentionally, but I'd say subconsciously hoping something happened that that photo ended up being the one that was chosen.

7:04I got a lot of comments saying that you looked delighted. What is delighted? Delighted with herself. And you were... I think the placement of your hand in that photo gave a suggestion.

7:22Denis:It was more sitting on a stool. That's where you grab a stool. Like, you know, A.T. Slater, when you used to turn around the thing. The stool was a dark color and the trousers were a dark color. So it's not clear that you're really holding quite firmly onto the stool. It looks like you might be having a real squeeze. Hanging on to Clonacilty. On to the Clonacilty. It's amazing. They don't message me. Thank God they don't. Yeah, I got a good few of those. And what was... I misinterpreted one comment. You sent me a screenshot before I went to bed, which is always a great time to send me these things as well.

8:00Denis:Oh, he said you were grabbing the print. Yeah. And you thought he said you were grabbing the pint. Yeah, which I thought was funny. Yeah. And then you explained... They're very observant. You have no idea how much people... pay attention to these they're zooming they're zooming in zooming they're zooming in thank god we look good to be very careful wait well what does I don't understand what the print thing means print the outline but there was no outline was there but they just make it up like lads I'm not sitting on the stool bricked up like what are they talking about but let them think it you know let them think it they enjoy it it wouldn't even go up that way it doesn't matter the mind just races oh and they just put in whatever they need I fill in the gaps They do Yeah They do Well it worked anyway I sold out the event Yeah it did I'm kind of raging now Because we had no chance To even promote it You missed a big slog Of trying to sell the tickets I know What a thrill Welcome to fame Yeah Just announce And then it's gone Yeah We'll do a few more things And then of course We were like Should we do 20 more events No you were like We will We will We will in a while But that'll be nice That's an intimate How do you feel now about Like it's not huge it's a it's an enclosed room of I would say I'd say 95 % homosexuals looking at you more than the last like this room it's about the size it's tiny no but I mean this is 95 % as well you know what I mean 66 % 66 % homosexuals three of us so 30 more percent so yeah I'm interested to see oh I have no earrings oh cancel the show keep forgetting to put on the earrings Yeah, so that's great Thanks very much, beautiful photographs Wait, no, no, let's delve into this Are you saying that it'll be a lot for me to be in a room Saturated with homosexuals We can check it You're probably the first heterosexual guest In there?

9:58I'd say so Well, that's pretty good And that's on me I'm inviting you into the space What do you think I'm going to do? Well, I don't know But that's something we need to think about.

10:12Denis:Do you think they'll... So we're going to have like an episode to start. Yeah. Do a little break and then we're going to have someone hosting us and doing a little Q &A. Yeah. With them and... Do you know, ever since you came to video... What? My face? I'm so nervous of everything that you're saying. I don't know what's going to be. Why? I just... This isn't live. I know. Just on alert. No, I'm just saying that, do you think that as the host, there'll be like a hard cracking journalist and be like, you know, how do you feel about being the first straight man in here? Do you think you're taking a space?

10:47Denis:I hope so. You know? Yeah, I drill you down a bit. I'd say they'll ask us about the art of the work. Yeah. Do you know? Because everything that happens there is kind of, it's kind of high brow, it's photography, it's fine art, it's kind of nice. so they might we'll have to think about we'll have to get our story together we'll have to make something up about why why this is all important um well we great practice on Ireland AM yeah and I think the gays then because we never got to do a Q &A in the other show that was their fault yeah that was firmly their fault one we got carried away yeah that was our fault 10 % well they messaged us but the questions they sent in were off the wall nonsense yeah but this will be hands up front row I don't know it'll go one of two ways it will be a either polite question to me but I think then if one person asks like a salacious question to me it'll be like a snowball effect but we could also turn off the camera close the blinds no absolutely not that's what I'd like turn on more cameras open more blinds close the blinds and let them actually ask what they actually want Instead of worrying about it being on.

12:03Denis:What do you think they could ask me? Like, could you put yourself in that situation where you attend? You're following this podcast, which I know is bizarre. They love talking. They'd love to be heard. They'd all have their hands up. See, I never, I suppose when we did the live show, it was interesting because I felt like, you know, on stage, I was at home there, right? So I could take the piss a little bit. Yeah. Right? But that's not my home stage at all. You're in our house now. So am I going to have your shoes off. And there's willies all over the walls. Do you know that? Oh, we'll have to take them down.

12:37Denis:Take them down. There's willies up and down the walls. Take them all down. It's like a photography gallery. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know? I think, and I also heard, I'm in one of those books. I didn't realise. Someone messaged me, there's a book and I'm inside in it. Of what? I don't know. Can't remember. Front or back? I don't know. You don't know? When I was a young man. Oh. How did they know it was you? I posed what do you mean they remember but I forgot no I know that but oh I mean like a photographer messaged me oh right okay so we'll have to find that why did they message you all of a sudden the fame an excuse to talk to you so we'll have to dig that out I'm going to be in another book coming out soon why are you looking over at that I just think you'll enjoy it I don't know will I show you this is a funny it's a funny part of the the business what I don't know if I can show you the book.

13:31Children's book? No. Grown-up book. Oh. Yeah. But very nice. Photography. Art.

13:39Denis:If you were Mr. Man, who would you be? Just... I'd say it'd be Mr... What would it be? Tickles? Or the big lanky one. What's that? That's Mr. Tickle, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, Mr. Tickle. No, I'd say you used to be Mr. Tickle. But I'm front of the book, which I'm thrilled about. Oh, front cover. Well, there's one person who's... I love this Assistant to the assistant manager Yeah There's one person Who's more famous than me And rightly so He's the first page And I'm the second page Okay but does the book open With him on the left And you on the right No He's first And then I'm in behind him Oh okay great So Yeah Not really the front But he's been on television You've been on television But he's like proper So I'm thrilled there What's the book for?

14:28The book It's my friend Ollie Raptor He's a photographer And he's done Oh you mentioned Ollie Yeah yeah And he's done A book of Photo booth Print out You know the little strips When you sit in a photo booth And it prints out Four little pictures Yeah And he's done a project Of putting people Into photo booths For the last year And seeing what they do When you close the curtains What did you do? Oh

14:56Denis:wanking straight away put the coin in muscle memory but I don't know if these photo boots have memory cards do they do they take a record oh like is there a big hard drive well for his yeah somewhere no but the the machine itself if it's just a standard one no do you think back in the day no are they just like why are you are you hoping no I don't care but like it's in a book I told you about that wedding thing way, way before, if no one's listened to it, just a short story. But where the two ones who were there with two lads, full-time partners, one of them started finger-pumping another one on top of the table.

15:38Denis:Do you remember that? I don't remember any. You do remember this? No. And the granny's out dancing on the dance floor. And I was standing next to the bar with the barman. And I was like, what is going on here? Went down, took off the thong with her mouth. I heard that. You remember this? Yeah. But they went into the photo booth and they had to be carted out of it for what they were doing in it. Well, what we found is the curtains are not really long enough. Yeah. The curtain only comes to about the waist. But there's, I mean, there is a camera in there. I think that's deliberate though, to stop.

16:11Of course, yeah.

16:12Denis:If there's a pass or by. But at this wedding, just to finish that off, which I didn't mention the last time, was there was people waiting outside the photo booth for the pictures to drop down. a lot of giggling inside oh no it was more than giggling more than giggling yeah yeah and then you have to get out quick before the photos print that's true yeah might get caught inside there so wait is this a thing that you've done before what like gone into a it was for the art project but do you do it do you do the photo boot like anywhere or does he have one and you pop up no he organizes it okay yeah yeah it's great it's actually lovely and you like are you you won't mention what you're doing to find the book find the book okay okay yeah we can find the book will I bring in the book yeah put it on the back are you in there alone uh yeah was I yeah was I yeah I was yeah okay great look forward to seeing it um why did I say that because there's a big book fair thing this weekend in Peckham so I'm going to go along and stand beside the book and just get as much attention as I can out of this have you seen this book Here's page two.

17:21Have you seen page two of this book? There's probably an introductory page. Probably page three. Three or four. Three girl, yeah.

17:28Denis:Well, there's the cover. There's a blank page. There's usually a few words. Yeah, the four word. Yeah. Then there's the number one famous guy. Yeah. And then page two. Yeah. Yeah, it'll be two. It'll be page two. I'm thrilled. Yeah, I'm thrilled. Look at... But yeah, I saw him this morning. I had a great morning. I got up at nine o 'clock. and I was out the door I was out the door at 10 to go for a run and I got out the door and it started to rain so I went back in the door straight away but I started doing I have a new obsession now I like to kind of find an exercise and I like to do it non-stop for a few days and then I like to let it go so I'm on the planks now I'm on the planks and the swing in side to side Go for the core I'm trying to get the core I have to go to a swimming pool in two weeks Why?

18:24In Malta For a wedding? For a wedding Pool party There will be a pool So there's content to get there So I'm on the planks

18:33Denis:Do you know the way that you do repetitive tasks over and over again? Yes Have you ever thought about that? I have thought about I've thought about a lot of things I have said many times Yeah Like you like listening to the same song Yeah yeah yeah I'll do my planks now and but I won't stick with this. So I just want just before we carry on right there has been a couple of listener complaints or advisory notes. Which ones? Well I've received them. About the planks? No not about the planks. One of them was a straight man who listens across the world actually. Straight man asked not me ask someone else who's a fan of the podcast why are they always wrecked?

19:14Denis:Oh. Couldn't understand why we're always wrecked. Us too? Yeah. And then the other one was People thought that we were We have a lot of complaints And what are we complaining about? That we complain We complain Why are we wrecked? I don't know why are you wrecked Why are you wrecked? I broke my arse You broke the arse Is it better? Ah yeah it's much better now Much much better Last week I was de - Dehabilitated That's not even a word Very bad I was wrecked I was done That's why I'm wrecked Why are you wrecked? Because You're juggling Yeah but I feel better now I'm working out again just something I need to do but I'm just saying all these things we've got a couple of notes in saying why are we wrecked a lot of complaining why does Mark hate the London Marathon stuff like this that particular week I was bad yeah I was bad that week so we we need to up it now for the next but I can't what would we say if everything was great which we just do like they do in all the rest of the podcast we pretend What would we say?

20:18Take volume or something. I'm wrecked because I have five jobs. And I'm doing them all at the same time all the time. But Mark, is that really why you're wrecked? And I'm wrecked because I have a lot of people in my life. If you had a pie chart.

20:35Denis:Right? If you had a pie chart. Yeah. How much a percentage is your work taking up of your time? It's kind of all the time. but like is it 60 % I don't know because if you're posting some nonsense on Instagram but it's not it's not 80 % though but that that is indirectly getting someone to remember you exist and then they'll listen to this or they'll come to a show yeah yeah like the silly nonsense online is kind of work okay but like let's say it's let's say it's 50 % and then you've got 20 % sleep because you don't really sleep at all so what are you doing for the other 30 % I'm watching a lot of videos on YouTube about buildings I watched a lovely video today about the Chrysler building oh very nice it might fall down really because no one wants it because it's too expensive I love it I think it's such a nice building but you can't afford it I'm sure it has some dark past but it's a cool building it has dark past and it's kind of outdated so I that was 25 minutes I watched that alright so that's like That's a good I don't know 5-6 % Yeah Cooking Or 4 % So we've got like 10-15 % on a count of time Yeah Romance There We might have to rethink The pie chart a bit Organising Romance More so than Having romance Can I be cheeky?

22:04I feel like you don't do

22:05Denis:A lot of the organising Oh you think it comes my way? I do Well even that Well because They're always calling to you You never talk about How I was over in Ealing Like that never happens Oh I don't do You don't travel House calls People's houses You're not a travel gay My house is nice But you're not though Everyone comes there It's like a little hub I travel I travel When was the last time you travelled? I travel in odd time If I knew them And I don't know What would they What would it have to take For you to travel If it was along the way A lot of people live In awkward places Up out of the way Because I'm in I'm Dalston to Soho On trees Up No bloody I can't say it Name a place Go on Barnes Fucking up Like an hour again St.

23:02Albans North of me Or down in Clapham Or something You have to be I'm in Dalston And all my life Is between Dalston and kind of King's Cross Soho. Yeah. So you have to be along that line. I won't be going, I can't go up out of the way and then back down. You have to be in the Mark T. Cox loop. You have to be Dawson, Hagerston, Shoreditch, Old Street along that line or it's not happening. I can't go up because then you've come back down.

23:33Denis:But that's not travelling. That's just on your way. Yeah, yeah. So you don't. Like what you're saying is that they have to commute into the Mark T. Cox loop or it doesn't happen. Well, London's so big. I think you have to give it up. If you pop up and you say, I live in Shepherd's Bush, no. It's never... There's nothing that would make you travel to Shepherd's Bush? No. It's a half day in my life. No. And they'll cancel. I live on the way. What about a nice apartment? It'd be very nice. Yeah. A celebrity? If it was a celebrity. Yeah. maybe maybe yeah long journey ridiculous has to be on the yeah so i did that i did my planks and then i went to the coffee shop and i've i've gathered this little there's like a little accidental group of little gays that kind of freelance from this coffee shop um so we were all very oh yeah very busy bathroom away there um i found i'm very good when i meet someone who's also freelance I'm really good at telling them what they should do do you know what I mean yeah can I have that job of like advising people how to improve their careers but I don't want to do anything about it myself that's the bit I was going to ask would you be good at receiving that advice then from yourself no no because I know the advice but I met this friend and he's writing a show and I was firing off the idea you should apply for this you should do this you should it's easy that's easy like being a director it's so much easier to edit something than it is to write it but even just advise and then disappear you know those people yeah yeah who just rich people you have to be rich the board of directors and you throw out the idea and then you check back in a month later I was doing a bit of that this morning completely uninvited didn't even know I just went over yeah what were you doing today well all the women are coming back all the women in my life are coming back I've had a pretty sweet week so myself and the fat cat the BFG BFC we've been living together he's been over in my house my roommate has been off doing a big cool thing that I can't reveal at the moment but she landed a very good job or should I say role and then Lisa has been swanning around the world and I have just been living the straightest malest life bachelor life oh it's been great I've been gaming I've been eating pizza oh oh it's been great I've been shouting at lads online gone to crap is it houses and bits yeah one last like clean blast do you know what I mean hoover the whole place at one time take 50 bins out at the end would you let it go and then do a blast yeah yeah yeah 100 % you wouldn't bother hoover at once keeping it going all week Hoover at once I only want to take the Hoover out once put it back once are you cooking this pizza or ah barely getting it ordered no cooking the pizza cooking the pizza getting all Sainsbury's red label bring it down bang it in boom me and the cat living it up on the couch I watched Creed yeah I watched Indiana Jones watched two of those Raiders of the Lost Ark and Temple of Doom yeah unbelievable didn't open the curtains all week curtains aren't open wearing the same socks four days in a row Oh stinking Stinking Don't care Yeah It's been great Get up when I want Do what I want It's been Only for a while though You wouldn't want that every day No it's a nice little break It's like It's like going away to a Home for like six days Or your parents are gone away Yeah yeah yeah You're a teenager You want to come back After a while To get the structure back right Sort it out yeah Yeah yeah But it's not like She's not enjoying herself Yeah You know she's having a great time And would she find something then When she comes back like a oh yeah I'm dead a reminder of the slob yeah there's something there's something that I have left or haven't done and I will be killed yeah like one of the things that I noticed today but I didn't have time to clean it up and I had to run was the cat had licked all the window that's a hard one to spot right they love licking yeah they do they like licking stuff you'd love him though he's wearing a little vest now the cat?

27:55Denis:yeah he's wearing a vest he is he's got his arms out wearing a vest what's this Because he licked He licked the bengal spots Off his belly And so he had to throw a vest on him Can I show you? So he can't lick? Yeah yeah yeah So he has to have a vest on Because you can put You can put a corn on him But he gets very depressed Put on a bra When you put a corn Well I mean this is pretty much a bra Except that he's really fat I mean big So that's him Ah See him? Do you see his little porch? He's fat He is yeah The belly hangs He is yeah My cash he's not my cat my someone that I visit has a cat very fat in the belly very fat primordial poach belly hangs down yeah dragon nearly you'll have to get him to do the planks you'll have to get George on the planks George is obese but he loves licking my knees oh I don't like that do you have salty knees?