#68 Freaky Friday - If We Swapped Bodies For 24 Hours…

0:00Denis:I know this is really, like, this is why it might all have to be cut out. Am I gay? Welcome to this week's episode of Your Internet Boyfriends. Hello, Mark Teacocks. Hello, Dennis Len. This week we're talking about clapping gays, piggies, and swapping bodies with Mark. And I'll be telling Dennis all about my recent mini-marathon. This show is part of the Headstuff Podcast Network. None of us have had any dinner today. We've just been eating biscuits Chocolate biscuits And now we're having Percy pigs I'd say I've had About seven hobnobs What would you have to do to be classified as a pig?

0:49Denis:You're always calling people pigs You even said to me You sit down there you fat pig or something you could be a pig you'll be gluttonous what in what context it could just be gluttonous and the eaten and doubling up which could be a pig as in like a bit naughty the reason i ask is because we did some um fantastic photographs and in one of them lisa was looking at it and i said oh the lads really like this one yeah they said i was a pig oh yeah because you looked um

1:33excited about yourself and you looked oh confident and yeah and then lisa said what does that mean and i said i actually have no idea you know what i find you try and make sense of these things

1:48Denis:Yeah like when you observe them they're lost There's no sense It's the same with jokes and stuff You put them under a magnifying glass and they don't work anymore There's nothing to it So what's piggish about you? Pig

2:03What would you say is your piggishest thing? Maybe in the evening

2:10Denis:Biscuits I'll tell you that I know what you meant but you are clean mad for biscuits You rival me in Biscuitwald? So I had a long day maybe Friday or Saturday. It was a Friday. One of the days. I had a very long day. I was very tired and I was going home and I was going to do a little workout. Workout? No, an actual workout. A workout? Yeah. A workout? You know, a workout. Sorry, before we go on, can you name Four supermarkets In The UK What do you mean Aldi's? More of the mainstream British ones Morrison's Okay Sainsbury's Yeah Waitrose Okay No? No I was just wondering how you said waitrose Waitrose?

3:00Denis:What do you say? Waitrose And I'll work out But instead I took a twist Into Aldi's And I got a tub of ice cream No you didn't And I ate the whole lot Didn't mean to That's a whole big tub Like nice Ben & Jerry's Fake Ben & Jerry's Oh it's not like You know the tubs Where like the family's Calling over for the barbecue But still a tub Yeah And I just Why not How did you feel after that I felt full I felt cold Did you mutter You old pig While you were eating it I said you are being A right old pig And once I'd started into it I said I might as well Keep going Hmm Do you know what Ryan Gosling did before No he accidentally lost his job because he was he got this part in a movie which I cannot remember and he read the book and in the book he kind of I think misinterpreted that the guy was very large oh so a big way that actors gain weight is that they they melt ice cream and just drink it so he was doing that and he turned up on set and he was all over the place and they fired him because he got it wrong oh he wasn't meant to be yeah god I wouldn't mind that I'd do well at that Get paid for it How are we talking about that Yeah the Percy Pigs We've had a long day here Arson and Dragon I've had no dinner I had a meal deal About seven hours ago I don't know what I'm doing I need to You said as well to Arson Our producer and me Yeah You said that There might be pizza on the way No Did that mean Because I I know you probably said that Without any commitment Yeah But you can't throw that out there I said maybe on the way home I might pull in Oh you might pull in Great So Dec no pizza I thought on the way home I might pull in Yeah I thought so I had to just clear that up So there's no pizza for me and Dec There's no pizza organised No I've been in South London I'd say about five Six times the last week Up and down And one of the places you visited was my house I came to your house, beautiful house And you visited with your SSP SSP yeah and there was no critiques on the interior design that is not true was there critiques your SSP what did he say he said it was very Argos no he didn't no he meant he did he said it was very Argos what's wrong with this he looked up from his phone and he said it's very Argos what's wrong with this as I was handing him a green tea yeah he threw it out the window he nearly he nearly threw the the normal tea at me We're nearly giving the builders tea Nothing wrong with Argos Argos is closing We lost our Argos in Dalston Big loss Big blow They're all gone in Ireland aren't they?

5:50Big blow Yeah All gone Yeah up and down I've been in Clapham I've got an awful lot of very Shocked Real shocked Messages When people see me on the In Clapham? On the phone And they see me Close by People like What are you doing here? It's very exciting Yeah Yeah, across What's this producer laughing at? He's gone You alright? But it is shocking Do you know when you see someone Probably I'm just going to inflate my ego now But do you know if it's someone that you follow And you know they live miles away And then you see them What? No, but because the thing tells you They're 200 metres away Celebrities in town Up the road Yeah, so I like that

6:35Denis:And wait, what Do you know what? We may as well tell them Do you know what? We may as well tell them Why? You came to my house And you got on the app straight away Well I had to look at the name And you started rooting out some fella There's some fella 100 metres 100 metres away And what was his profile picture? No just presentation What was his profile picture? I can't say No go on A full presentation He was But he's massive Upside down Yeah He's massive But he has to be I don't know He could be up Yeah Anywhere Very close by Wait wait wait I want to go back to my house You can go around the rushing around then Yeah I just want Because I've been to your house Yeah And I went in and turned on the light And all the twinks started running under the bed and stuff All over the house So when you came into my house What was your impression?

7:18It was, what can I say It's very clean That's good It's very I'd say it's minimal No curtains I think that's a sign Like There's something we're all a bit hesitant to really settle in if you're renting and it's like it could be here for six years but putting up a curtain kind of doesn't feel worth it and I'd be the same but Donald would push to put up the curtain I think Donald would would

7:55Denis:screw anything onto a wall yeah yeah yeah and it helps it makes things lovely but when you're sometimes you're just not arsed so then you kind of end up keeping things I like the blinds though I like the I like the efficiency of a blind that's right but a curtain then just softens the cough softens softens I don't feel softens the cough well what's it going on softens the cough making up new phrases I don't alright so but it softens do not just softens dampen the noise a bit softens the walls and the yeah do you know when you go into like a house softens its cough softens the cough of the house do you know when you go into a house that someone's lived in 20 years It's like something You know that Brennan brother Do you know him?

8:40Denis:Francis? Francis Brennan Oh I like him I like Francis too Is he? That's like something Francis So actually I know this for some reason And I hope Francis doesn't mind me speaking on behalf of him But he's said this before And it's on his Wikipedia page What? He describes himself as asexual Oh Confidently Yeah confidently That's nice Which I think is actually quite It's very common and people don't say it No they don't Because it's not as easily defined And people hate things you can't easily define Not understood and then people try and say that you're cotton, that you're putting on, you're lying.

9:12Denis:Which is funny because they think that you're gay, right? I'd say if he was gay, he'd say he's gay. Like he's a hotelier. I used to absolutely love that program. He's so funny. What's it called? Oh, Christ. With the hotels. Yeah. I can't remember. Anyway. At Your Service? At Your Service. Yes, that's the one. Oh, yeah. Who's very serious and he's the accountant. And he's very mincy. Oh, my God. Balgo. The Francis though One of the best scenes in that Was a woman Was up at the top of the stairs Getting interviewed And Francis Brennan Ran from one Well he doesn't run But you know he's like Trot run With a mattress And there he blew her off the landing And he's just going to her Come on Come on now Come on While she's doing an interview Very good With the camera crew It's brilliant Oh I might start watching that again What was it He went into hotels to fix them It's bruised them up Yeah B &Bs and stuff But sure they own the like Five star Kinmare Hotel Don't they Yeah and he'd be some of the B &Bs not great do you know what the first thing I think a B &B could do to just improve itself do you know those stands that they have inside the door with pamphlets yes that's very starting off your B &B in the 90s chic you could do a cruise out to the Aran Islands you could go you could have another pamphlet for the caves you could have a pamphlet for Allowy Caves Allowy Caves you could have a pamphlet for Bunrati Castle you could have a pamphlet for what could you do the marina and Kilrush you're killing it but like get rid of them get rid of them just no one looks at them but I think someone went around and sold them to the houses as well I think someone had those went around to every single B &B just like the helicopter view of the house and sold them off the display need to add that to the list if we had a board on the back I'd start adding those the things that have been sold to our parents' generation from some door-to-door salesmen.

11:06Encyclopedias.

11:08Denis:Do you know what? Right? They listen to this podcast. Yeah. I ask them for nothing, right? When they pass this mortal realm, right? Except the only thing I want, and I'm putting it on record, and my siblings are listening to me. I want the Encyclopedia Britannicas. They're so cool. They're very good. They're so, so cool. Yeah. I love, I may never reference them, but and it also kind of simplified because they can't have every word so they kind of have the main words yeah yeah yeah and that's enough words and I mean they're probably all completely wrong though but they're so but you'd have a little paragraph about what could it be types of volcanoes or something yeah exactly and that would be enough for you to know about that topic I remember I loved them so much when I was younger but I couldn't figure out how to look up anything oh well you couldn't find I couldn't I couldn't figure out how the the alphabet how it wasn't in the order of the alphabet and stuff it was a bit strange are they not?

12:11Denis:they are yeah but they they do this it's not like A to B it's like different A to half B yeah and then half B to D that confused the hell out of me so I couldn't do it and then you'd have LMNOP yeah but I used to kind of like to pretend I was Indiana Jones you know opening up a big book yeah what will I discover today Yeah, loved it. Wait, can we rewind? So you said my house is very clean. Yes. What else? What else did you... No, I think it's lovely. I think it is... I think it needs maybe a small little bit of texture. A curtain. Or, I don't know. Maybe just a curtain. Just to soften the banging.

12:53Do you know? Yeah. Or maybe it's the floors, because it's not carpet. Maybe more rugs. Rugs? We do have a rug. You liked my rug. you have a nice rug yeah but I'd say maybe a few more thrown we've loads of rugs thrown around

13:04Denis:different rooms you see I like the minimalist approach just because of the house that I lived in when I was growing boy yeah busy full of figurines yeah full of water for crystal full of things that you could walk past and break and be killed yeah so there was constant stuff everywhere yeah so I think I've rebelled against that and I've gone for kind of a prison chic yeah because as you saw as well which I'm sure you hate is I have a little bench in my room as well. I saw that because you're big and strong. Yeah. Lisa also hates that. Have you a mirror facing the gym bench? Facing the bed. Oh.

13:40At the gym. Okay. Yeah. You have a little hair on your... I have a little hair on my microphone. I wonder am I going to get a dislodged elbow here? I'm not used to holding up the microphone. Yeah. Well, you wanted these.

13:56Denis:I know. These were on your priority list. Do you know why? because I can do this. Look. Oh, very good. Completely out of shot. Isn't that good? That's excellent. I forgot I could move. No, nice. Get up and walk around. You can go into the crowd. I can stand up. Hello? I miss the crowd. I miss the fans. Yeah. I miss the stage. Well, they're all out there. They're all listening to us right now. I miss the stage. When were you last on a stage? A couple of weeks ago. Yeah. Tell us about the week. Well, I'm, as always, we are a little bit tired. Yeah. And I'm full of biscuits. One of the reasons I'm tired is that someone was out gallivanting at the weekend.

14:31Denis:Who's this? Lisa. Oh? Was out gallivanting. Without you? Without me. She went on a hen on Saturday in London. I apologise to everyone all over London who encountered those gang of... Hens. Clucking. Clucking all over the place. Cluck, cluck, cluck. Now, can I tell you what their order of the day was? Oh, yeah. Right, so they started off with a brunch. Yeah, lovely. Right? all their names and stuff on the table. Oh, yeah. Since Lisa is now a gluten-free convert, they set her up with all that stuff and everything. Lovely. She was delighted. Then they went back to an Airbnb and they played Mr. and Mrs.

15:10Denis:Do you like that? Yeah. Would you play that in your wedding? Yeah, I don't know. Mr. and Mr. and Mr. and Mr. You're losing me now. Why? It's taken, yeah, go on. Heading into the... Have you ever been... organized, fun. Of course it's organized. But it's a hint. Go on. Okay. Right to the Mr. and Mistress. Back to the house is dangerous. Back to the Airbnb. They had a man come in and make cocktails for them. Sorry? A man came in. What did he have? A man came in and made drinks for them. And he closed on. And they got polluted. He did. Oh. They got polluted. Then he went on a party bus. Right? 15 minutes away to their destination.

15:52Denis:They were on the party bus for an hour. Round and round. Round and round. Like a double-decker? No, like a smaller one. Everyone born and bred in London, your man was stopping in the London Eye asking if they wanted to take pictures. Wow. Right, wait, wait for it. Then they get on into a club. Yeah. And they all went completely mental. Where'd they go, I wonder? They went to a little club that was in like an office block and you go downstairs and in there and there was no one there, it was just them. In the city? In the city, so yeah. There's a lot of funny clubs like around Bank. yes it just didn't seem like you wouldn't have a clue that there was a club there they're purely made for hen parties yes I think so yeah yeah it was like an event but wait so anyway myself and Lisa have this thing I'd actually I'd love to hear people's opinions on this right yeah I when she's heading home in an Uber on her own I'm always like just share the location yeah right or share the Uber ride you can do that yeah she doesn't like that doesn't do it independent independent woman right but where all I'm coming from is like I don't care coming home to you yeah if she's coming home to me i just like just for the right like it doesn't matter you know like i don't care where it is beforehand or whatever or even if you're like i don't care where you're going you don't have to share the location then but if you're coming to me just share location so i know you're right yeah doesn't do it doesn't like it doesn't like to be an independent safe it's better safe it is safe yeah i think it's a no-brainer right what is it you're watching me no i think it's just you're i'm telling her what to do no no but okay I think that's all it is she doesn't like it she's like I don't know you don't tell me what to do I just think it's but do you know how I got to do it this time air tag in the bag no no she doesn't know about that people do that I know how to do that but I think your phone tells you doesn't it I think your phone alerts you that there's an air tag in the vicinity or something following you around yeah oh I think so but no she hasn't noticed all the air tags yet but no she she just wanted the cat but the only way I could get her to do it this time she was bombed on the way back and she asked me what I put on the pizza oh so you had a countdown and I said I don't know how long you'll be bang location comes up so you're sitting up till what time I wasn't sitting up this was not the plan she was going out for a few drinks she told me she'd be home at 12 o 'clock to whose house to my house she told me she'd be home at 12 o 'clock I was there yeah I'll definitely see you at 12 o 'clock home what time last tube i'll be home the last tube i'll be home the last tube two o 'clock in the morning and you're cooking pizza in the door there's a pizza for her two panadol glass of water pizza's slobbering down the floor yeah i'm rolling all over the bed laughing uh with the pizza i have videos they're amazing jesus yeah uh rolling all over about the pizza do you know what would happen to me mark if i came home to her house giggling drunk giggling made her make me a pizza and then went into her bed and rolling around eating the pizza in her bed, she would...

18:51Yeah.

18:51Denis:She'd kill me. I'd be dead. Let's check the time. Should we take a break? Let's take a break. We'll take a break. This show is part of Headstuff Podcasts. Here's another show you might like. Well, hello. So sorry to interrupt. Just give me two seconds. I am The Dating Orange and The Dating Orange podcast focuses on modern dating and relationships. All the weird and wonderful parts of it. And I tell you, this season is packed with juicy bits. Dating stories from fairly normal people with very abnormal experiences. Comedians, journalists, creators and therapists covering everything from the manosphere and the rise of violence against women to healing and putting your best foot forward.

19:28If you've ever been ghosted, love bombed, bread crumped or simply thought what in the name of Jesus is happening here? Well, this is for you. Or if you're happily taken and you want to see how hard it is for the single people out there, this is for you too. Listen every second Tuesday on Headstuff Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello. Hey, Mark, we're back. We're back now.

19:55Go on. Talk again. What's this? Episode 757. 69, I think.

20:01Denis:68. Go on. We have a very special event coming up in episode 69. Have we? It's in the name. What's that? Patreons only. Oh. Yeah. Secrets? No. It's going to be an hour long 69ing. Jesus. Yeah. No video. No video. Just an audio. An hour. Just an audio. Lapel mic. Slurping. Lapel mics. Yeah, an hour. Oh, you'd never do that. An hour. Never do that. An hour. You know what I do? I do find in my veteran age. Yeah. I just like the simple things in life now, to be honest. Okay. You know? I just... Get to us. The thought of that... For an hour. For an hour, not even an hour, like five minutes, ten minutes.

20:51Denis:Okay, you're going to upset the listeners. Well, is there a big 69 faction out there? Well, you have to do your job, do your bit. What? You have to share the job. Share the job? Yeah, to share, like you have to equal. Actually, now that I think about it, it must be probably a finer balance, is it? On your side of the tracks?

21:18well

21:20Denis:could you get into like perpetual motion you could that's right you know like one of those little rudimentary train vehicles on a power like two pistons just like that well depends there's options yeah I've only seen one option but think about that what are the options there's options I genuinely don't know what other are we in that in that scenario with a with a 6 and a 9 I think there's only one no you could go around the other side that's something else well is it it's like a 66 yeah 67 68 that's not the same yeah it's really not same anyway speaking of I went to an event and it was sponsored by Friends or is it Friend of Doherty or Friend of Doherty and they make all these things to improve the lives of homosexuals oh yeah what did I make gummies that make give you muscles and give you you know keep your endurance and all these different things I keep getting invited to these kind of like kind of VIP kind of guest list things it's very exciting Avon breakfast and stuff yeah yeah yeah where they just need people to kind of show up and just be around and so I was delighted to go it was in Clapham again I'm in Clapham every day of my life lately and heads turned but they did when I walked in do you know if you don't mind me saying you have kind of your style has changed to Clapham Gay do you think yeah this yeah I don't know Like the suit?

23:16Denis:Yeah. The slacks? Oh, I don't know. The short? I don't know. To me, a clap I'm gay. Well, anyone I see out in the street is runners, black shorts, black top, black hat. So sure, that's you. You're the Strava man. I know. Yeah, I did Strava this morning 1.5 kilometers. Yeah. I nearly shared it. Couch to 2K? Do you think this would be funny? I nearly shared this morning 1.5 kilometers. and like a inspirational kind of picture of the sky only if you put clip art around it you know do you think it's do you think it would be funny or do you think people would think good for you do you think it would be seen to be earnest i think it'd be 50 50 i think the people that really like lick the toes of you would be like oh that's amazing that's so good because i would post it as like isn't this hilarious i did i only did a kilometer i think you have to do even I think you have to do even less.

24:13Like half a kilometre. Like 300 metres. Thanks for the support. Because every person in my entire life did the Hackney Half Marathon this weekend. Everyone. People I never even knew were fit. They're all posting fucking marathon. And I did a kilometre and a half. And I thought it would be very funny. You barely have time to turn on Strava. Do you ever post a joke and then delete it? Because you think it didn't work. No. I actually posted. No. Oh, that was a joke. Oh, yeah. I was like, I don't think it's clear enough. So I'm going to... You have the panic and it doesn't get enough likes. Oh, I was there for 30 seconds.

24:49And I took it down. Because it didn't feel obvious enough.

24:54Denis:Is, I don't know, maybe I'm just hearing more about it. Or maybe it's because you and Dec are now getting involved more in it. But are like, are running clubs the place to be now? Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone's running. Vary. And onto that, right? i think there seems to be so much pressure aesthetically i'm being a gay in london where have you been is this news yeah but i mean it's it's it's like run club bike club it's even the thing you said you went to the event right and they have things for muscles and like they're so fit like more than ever the most basic boring like just continue you

25:42but all the just everyday normal fellas are just what's his name

25:50Denis:ripped Ben Ben yeah ripped basic boring muscles huge big legs but they're not like models or influencers or gym instructors they're just normal people and they're all huge it's out of control Do you think gay men are on a lot of... They're on a lot of protein and creatine and they're just obsessed. But on top of that, do you think they're on a lot of... Drugs and things? A bit of gear. I don't know. No, it's not that. It's not the huge, like, inflated... It's just this really basic standard level of looking excellent. Yeah. It's just not even impressive anymore because everyone looks like that and they've started where's the room to be like the just normie gay man not really it's very hard it's like and they've started now coming out the Hackney half is a big a big moment everyone kind of is is out and about and then you'll have all the festivals and things and it's just crazy if if you either couldn't be bothered or just can't lots of people can't look like that no matter what you do it's just not even special to look excellent like the front of a magazine excellent is so normal how many people do you think are on lots right a lot of people are on helpful substances like growth hormones and stuff there are so like you do see some people on the street and they look yeah the reason I'm saying that is like you know there's people putting in hard graft with that 100 yeah but also some of those results just to make people feel a little bit better i helped along as well i know how did i get onto that anyway heads were turned oh yeah and then i walked in and i made a fool myself because i was dressed up nice and they were all looking at me and then i came into the it was like a cinema room it was pitched black and there was a gay like kind of at the door but in the dark so i kind of walked into him and he was very like welcoming and then he said i'll bring you to your seat and i said i don't know where my seat is and then he said who you with and i said i'm with james and he meant who you with like who are you why are you here who are you giving you tickets yeah who you represented by or something and i had forgot so i said i don't know and then it was all fluster and then he brought me down and we had these little vip seats at the front but sure the whole place is looking because you're right down at the front then and I had to crawl over something and then there was a goodie bag and I couldn't couldn't work out how to pick up the goodie bag because the seat was flopping and I'm very flustered everyone watching everyone looking at me so there's Mark T Cox laughing at me yeah yeah that's how I felt 200 sour bitchy gays waiting there for 10 minutes so this is something to look at and I was flapping with the seat and the bag I got so flustered cool under pressure not cool at all a flappy chair that can send you under because I tried to put the goodie bag on I was trying to organise and then the bag fell in slipped down the back yeah to see and then I had to get it and then I'm very big and I was swinging a tote and if you're arsing on then to the chair you can arse you can go into the front one and then you try and go back and your coat falls down and it can be a disaster very bad you have to lean down and get something then as well very bad well did you enjoy the event I enjoyed the event it was a movie called friend of Doherty with Miriam Margulies.

29:31Now, I misread the invitation. She wasn't there. Do you know Miriam Margulies? No. You do. She's an old...

29:41Denis:Is that how you say her second name? Yeah. Really? What do you think it is? You never said it. I never said it out loud. Margulies. I thought it was Miriam Margoyles. That's fine. No, Margulies. Oh. Yeah. She's very nice. She's very good. She's LGBT and she's outrageous And she Yeah She just somehow Got very very famous And still Kept her Opinions And her character She's great And she's old now She's in her 80s I think Is she? Yeah But she's in this film And I saw The Invitation And it said A screening of this film And her name was on it And then it said Q &A And I didn't really pay attention And I thought Oh great I'll go see her But No she wasn't there but she wasn't meant to be there it was a Q &A with the director was friend of Doherty was that a way of saying you were gay in America?

30:37Denis:in everywhere it's about Doherty like Wizard of Oz Wizard of Oz and her friends but friend of Doherty was a thing you could say right? because who's her friends? Doherty in the Wizard of Oz the lion? yeah the tin man? yeah scarecrow scarecrow and what about them? what are they they're a bit they're a bit they're a bit gay I mean skipping is it lying gay skipping skipping oh yeah I suppose yeah they're all a bit scarecrawl yeah I suppose it's scarecrawl and what about then the tin man they have a little bit of something oh right okay just the three of them and the dog another one the dog gay that's it so then it became a term oh right okay if you're a friend of Dorothy you're a little bit something but it's a lovely movie very very nice and then the Q &A although she wasn't there was very very good nominated for an Oscar and everything he's very good Lee Knight Did anyone put up their hand and give themselves a huge introduction well and then they ask a question like towards the end of it so you go up and say oh hello my name is James Fitzpatrick I made a short film in 1999 about blah blah blah and they just go on and on and on and on and on and never get to a question yes and this was gay men so it's an extra level of just confidence I actually can't there was a few very tense questions that I'm not I cannot say because it may do you know when someone's speaking you're like oh like I was grabbing the knee of James beside me I was like make it stop I saw make it stop I saw a pretty I mean it's a weird one to say pretty good but I did I was at a Q &A and it was for a movie I'm not going to mention these names in it but yeah yeah yeah for a movie it was a q a it was a really good movie and it was really good q a right yeah and someone basically asked like in this movie right you're talking about like um let's say women standing up for themselves and all of these things yeah they're like but your executive producer is x oh who is notorious for y oh oh my lord and i was like yeah dead right but like the person on stage crumbled like apple crumbled on stage and it's like how do you also how do you expect that question not to be asked yeah you know it's so tense yeah well you need to have your tricky questions document but what were the questions i actually can't get into it but um all mostly great and then a few like oh jesus um oh jesus but sometimes that kind It's exciting as well because it's such a risk just handing a microphone to anyone.