In short
Domestic Divas (a TV cleaning show Mark appeared on), sock-pairing habits, toe-shoes and why people wear them, sleep-streaming videos, dating/“new relationships” (Mark says he’s been “in love” repeatedly), dentist checkups and thrush, getting ghosted by a cleaner, and LGBT acceptance rankings in Europe plus a Malta wedding trip; also a chat about John Travolta’s face and Botox.
Guests
Mark T. Cox and Dennis Lynn (podcast hosts). No other guests appear in the transcript.
Guest backgrounds
Mark is a recurring TV personality who previously appeared on RTE’s Domestic Divas; Dennis is his co-host and conversation partner.
Key claims
Mark says he was booked for a dentist “against my will,” once got thrush after antibiotics from a dentist, and his cleaner ghosted him after a first visit. He claims toe-shoes may spread in festival/club scenes. He cites a stats-style ranking: Spain #1 for LGBT acceptance, Malta #2, Ireland around #15–16, UK lower.
Notable examples
Domestic Divas filming included staged dirt, lemon-cleaning, burly men cleaning while he ate TV lunches, and a chicken scene involving shoving a lemon into the chicken’s “arse.”
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOSocks and Domestic Life
0:18 to 6:44
A light-hearted discussion about socks, laundry, and personal habits.
“Okay, no, in fairness, I will actually agree with you that the difference in socks here are quite startling.”
The Nature of Toes and Shoes
6:44 to 11:16
Exploration of shoes, fashion trends, and the evolutionary role of toes.
“And he sets it up as if it's like a medical.”
Sleep Analysis and Reality TV
11:16 to 14:00
Discussion about sleep monitoring, reality shows, and personal viewing habits.
“I don't, yeah, but if I had coffee, no, I wouldn't sleep.”
Starting New Relationships
14:00 to 17:30
The hosts discuss the anxiety of starting new relationships, especially with a dentist.
“I have to start off two new relationships.”
Sweet Treats and Dental Woes
17:30 to 21:00
Conversations about sweets, diets, and previous dental experiences lead to humorous anecdotes.
“Because I went I woke up at half seven and then I was scrolling until half nine and then I was suddenly nearly late.”
Finding a Hairdresser
21:00 to 25:30
The hosts share their experiences and preferences when looking for a good hairdresser.
“But I don't think you answered anything.”
Cleaning Adventures on Domestic Divas
25:30 to 28:01
Mark recounts his experience on the TV show Domestic Divas, including humorous cleaning challenges.
“Because for most people every Saturday you can be fairly confident you're off and that'll suit.”
Cleaning Tips from Domestic Divas
28:01 to 29:10
Hear about cleaning tips learned from the show and a humorous twist on who really did the cleaning.
“they taught me how to clean and we had all these like tricks and tips like What did they have you cleaning?”
Cooking Chicken with a Twist
29:11 to 30:28
The hosts discuss a funny cooking scene involving a chicken and the reactions of friends.
“And then I had to learn how to cook a chicken because they were going to stage a scene of my friends coming around and I'm going to make dinner because it's domestic diva.”
Reflections on a Short-Lived Show
30:29 to 31:30
Recollections about the show Domestic Divas, its brief run, and personal impact.
“And I got a lot of mileage out of it because sometimes it gets repeated.”
Show all 18 chapters
The Life of Mid-Tier TV Personalities
31:31 to 41:20
A discussion on the careers of mid-tier television personalities and their challenges.
“They have all these characters that they're not paying.”
The Cleaner Dilemma
41:21 to 42:00
The hosts navigate the complexities of hiring a cleaner and the quirky experiences involved.
“Or if they came, didn't really want to clean.”
Planning a Cleaning Service
42:00 to 42:32
The hosts discuss the importance of finding a reliable cleaning service.
“Well, sure there's probably loads of lads listening to this who come in and clean your house for free.”
Traveling to Malta
42:33 to 44:24
The conversation shifts to the hosts' travel plans to Malta and its culture.
Wedding Expectations
44:25 to 45:41
The hosts chat about the upcoming wedding and their roles as plus ones.
“Heterosexual Heterosexual I actually Do you know what?”
Post-Wedding Plans and Insights
45:42 to 47:15
Discussion about the social aspects of weddings and personal plans during long events.
“A strange one I heard as well, but it makes sense.”
Historical Context of Malta
47:16 to 47:46
Insight into Malta's historical significance and its past connections with Britain.
“It was called the Unsinkable Aircraft Carrier.”
Cultural Nuances and Royal Visits
47:47 to 48:44
The hosts reflect on recent royal visits and cultural representations in Ireland.
“till very recent Some longer than others Oh Now Hello Did you see Catherine was here last week?”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Did I tell you my dentist gave me thrush one time?
0:03Denis:Welcome to this week's episode of Your Internet Boyfriends. Hello, Mark T. Cox. Hello, Dennis Lynn. This week we're talking about domestic divas, King Charles and new relationships. And I've been busy getting ghosted by my cleaner. This show is part of the Head Stuff Podcast Network. Oh! Socks. Socks are out. Do you know what? I'm not putting on shoes. Sorry now. What? Two different socks. It doesn't matter. You have one blue toe. Hold it up. That's 20 pounds. Have you any holes? Not in the socks. Dangerous. Okay, no, in fairness, I will actually agree with you that the difference in socks here are quite startling.
0:44Two different socks. One, for the audio listeners, one pair of socks has a blue toe, which is quite a... That's good, so you don't... You don't wear the same ones every day. Is that the reason? There's a little bit of colour. have you another pair with like an orange toe yeah and a red and a brown and a green so you lay them out do you get seven in a pack
1:04Denis:I don't lay them out I just reach into the cupboard and I grab socks and the first two socks that come out to meet me are the ones that go on my feet and you don't pair the socks I don't pair them into the drawer nope don't do that I don't have time Mark I don't have time for any of this stuff how do you hang them up on the clothes horse oh they get hung up individually on the clothes horse as socks but wherever they want to be not two by two I don't have time don't have time they just go up in the clothes horse they get dried they come down they go into kind of a basket of socks perhaps yeah and then we pick them out as needed this is an ongoing battle with Lisa about pairing my socks because it's lovely when you line them up two by two and then you you know what is that called when you wrap one into the other one what's that called into a little ball that's lovely and then you pick out a ball of socks and you have two socks the same.
2:00Yeah, but oh. Mind that lamp every week. All your socks are the same though. No. These are actually different to last week. These have a rib. They have a ridge. Ribbed for your feet's pleasure. These have a ridge and then they have kind of a little patchwork on the sole. Socks are doing a lot. Why do they need all that stuff in your socks? Because I keep buying different ones. It's very hard to find the same ones over and over. These, I don't know where these came from. A lot of my socks are from Japan.
2:26Denis:Can you remember my business idea that I call? Mark T socks. There you go. 10 % please. Yeah. These are nice. These are a little bit thin. I don't like when you can kind of see the bones and the toes. I like when they're a little bit fatter and fluffier. You want them to remain as socks, not feet. Would you ever, I've thought about giving those, you know, those midlife crisis shoes. With the toes. Yeah. We have a friend. I don't know, should I name them? You do. I won't name them. They know who they are. Yeah. And they have appeared to relatively formal occasions with the toes. But I don't think it's a footwear.
3:08I think it's a way of life. But I wouldn't expect it from them. They're very trendy, non-binary. Have they gone through a breakup recently? I don't think so.
3:19Denis:No. Let's say if you looked in the Amazon purchase wishlist of a lot of people after breakups, those shoes would be in there they're seeping in they're seeping in they're kind of somewhere along the line of wearing kind of utilitarian bits for fashion you know like some of my pieces with like a bag or like a thing with loads of pockets, no need but you might be going climbing a mountain are those shoes for climbing mountains oh I get what you mean alright so like people are wearing like hiking gear but they're but it's to the club they're in the what's the place in Clapham called? oh I wouldn't say it's in Clapham no no but what's the place in Clapham called anyway?
4:09Denis:which one? Two Brewers? Two Brewers no not there yeah no no no it would be a warehouse party in Hackneywick okay yeah yeah with the non-binary and chains and pockets hanging off you and the trans-mask community often I'm generalising but often like climbing things and pockets and belts and chains. The trans mass community like climbing things. There is. There's a community of bouldering and rock climbing and the shoes. I think the shoes you can grab onto the cliff. Is that it? Well, these ones in particular. No, I don't think you're wrong with that but I think these ones in particular are about like going back.
4:50Denis:You know when people start using these kind of things, like, we're going to go back to what we were meant to do. Yeah, like cave. Yeah, so like we're walking around supposedly with feet. Yeah. Not just big shoes, right? Picking up stones. So, you know, we're not contouring to the contour or not, whatever. Yeah. Is there a time we used to use the toes? Picking up fish? Do you know what I mean? Tell you, you know, right? You go in, you get yourself a goldfish and you put them into a bowl and you tell me how long it takes you. But is there a time we use the toes for jobs? For maybe rustling the fire?
5:28Rustling the fire? Like years ago. They weren't made of metal. Putting a stick on the fire. If you were sitting down in the cave?
5:34Denis:No, I don't think so. Will someone look into it? Do you know what? I am just so jet lagged from... I have a life lag. Yeah. I am now starting to question whether or not... Why do we have toes? Because we used to have four hands. We used to be like monkeys and we used to pick things up with our feet, I think. Hold on to the tree. Well, they still do that. Monkeys. Yeah, and then we evolved out of that, I think. And we went bipedal. Yeah, on two. No words. Another just use for balance? Yeah, and I suppose they got smaller. Yeah. Do you think they'll continue to get smaller? We'll have no toes. Not one big toe.
6:09Denis:One big toe down the middle. A few thousand years. Actually, do you think if you had one big toe, would that just technically be your entire foot? Oh, yeah. Yes. That would be no good. But yeah, those shoes are a no, but I do think they're going to creep in. I think for the summer festival scene, it might be no surprise if a few of those toe feet shoes start to emerge. Start creeping in. Mark, I'm going to have to take this break. Oh.
6:42Denis:I'll stay here on my own. He's back now. Oh, I'm back. I just had to get some water there. water and six pan and all. Do you actually nap in the daybed? Or do you just sit in there? I'd love a nap, yeah. You'd love a nap now? I'd love a nap now. Could we do that? Would they watch that? No, they would watch that. They watch that. Do you ever watch? Do you know what I watch sometimes? No, you don't. I do. There's a fella on Twitter.
7:12And he sets it up as if it's like a medical. sleep analysis with a night vision camera and there's loads of like bits of information around the screen. Oh, like his heartbeat, his breathing, his oxygen levels. And I don't know, is it real or is it just set up? Do you know? And then he gets into the bed and it's dark. So it's just like a very grainy kind of black and white image. And then it gets sped up then and it's about seven or eight hours watching him sleep. Condensed into what? Condensed into maybe an hour. But he's no... Sorry, you're always giving out about having no time. I do watch it.
7:59I do watch it because in the night there's no blankets. Oh. And in the night, up and down. What? Well, you do be up and down in the night.
8:11Denis:Do you? that is not true yeah no as in like you don't watch that's what that's some people do are you just watching it over the hour then waiting for like and you can see you know the reactions over the night isn't that interesting that's very interesting yeah how do you think of becoming that i wonder did he or or else maybe he has a condition and maybe it's real like what what's the condition yeah up and down yeah up and down and kind of it's kind of like a i would just describe it it's very kind of a cyclical sale every hour or two there'd be a bit of a but you think he's awake doing it no no no fast asleep twist and turn and then up and down sure you don't know you're asleep you don't know what's happened oh and how does he make money off it i yeah i don't know not for me but let's say Yeah If you can find something like that How did you stumble upon that?
9:15I don't know Should things get past But like who? Like who? No there's things come up They come up there on the phone
9:21Denis:Based on your searches Come up there on the phone I don't know We thought you'd like this Bananas Yeah so we could do that We could turn off the lights And just go and have a sleep in the chair and see I've seen I've seen the people do that online With the Going to sleep stuff Do you remember watching Big Brother? All night I never understand maybe you just get it maybe you just forget you're on TV maybe that's what happens some of the moves from people on Big Brother are like those shows that are real like kind of fly on the wall versions you know people in the house things they do sometimes I'm just like I think they do forget I think they've all gone into the traitors now and maybe that's out by the time we're talking is that out soon the celebrity traitors at all but for the first time they started announcing and who the people were before they went in.
10:13And the people were actually like posting about going in. Oh. I've never seen that before. It's usually all of this is recorded in secret and then it gets announced when they're done. But they've kind of like been a bit more like you can actually follow in real time. Have you watched it? No. You don't engage much. I find it hard.
10:37Denis:I watched all of it. It was great. Did you? The last one Really really good Celebrities Yeah Yeah It was stupendous Who's in it now Joanne John McNally's in it She's in it I actually did read the list But considering You're gone Brain isn't working What time did you go to bed 3 o 'clock Stop it 3am yeah What were we doing Just had to do stuff Jobs Had to get stuff done Busy day Oh Yeah Jobs And what time are you up I was up at like 9 o 'clock Wasn't too bad Woke up actually Cracked like Just like, boom. Panic. Yeah. Back. Yeah. I got two socks and it didn't match and off I go. Yeah, it's all gone wrong.
11:17Denis:I had no coffee. All day long? I just had a tiny piece of coffee. I could have brought you. Devastated. Oh, we'll get some. I don't, yeah, but if I had coffee, no, I wouldn't sleep. This is the problem. I'd say you would. No, I wouldn't. I had a great day. I got up at, well, I woke up at half seven and then I turned over in the bed. Was there something there? No. On my own. I waved Donald out the door. And then I kind, I love that. Wave him out the door. Back into the bed. I'm not, you know, I'm not allowed to do that. Who said? Who said? Who do you think said? Why not? I'm not allowed to do that.
11:54Denis:It hasn't been strictly like put into a contract or anything. But anytime that, see it's the car. It's the dreaded car. Oh, you have to bring her somewhere. I have the car. No, no, no. So when I'm in bed and she's getting up for work. Oh, you can't send her out. But then I head home And sure if I'm heading home Sure I might as well give her a lift And if I'm giving her a lift I might as well head home Yeah And if she's in your house If she's in my house I give her a lift Oh god Yeah No I say Goodbye now Sayonara Thanks very much See you later And I go back in And then I pick up the phone And I say I'll just have a quick look Two hours Two hours Two hours Eyes Falling out of my head Watching fellas sleeping and then it's half nine and then I'm stressed and I feel bad for the whole day.
12:43What, you've been in there just scrolling? I've let myself down already. Isn't that awful?
12:47Denis:You know what's a lovely thing actually is just being on your laptop but having like your messages connected to your laptop. Turn away the phone. Putting your phone away. That's right. Do you know what's really, I think it's actually some sort of disorder that I have and I think it's like, I think probably half the world has. Yeah. Is where when you have a question you can immediately look up what the answer is. Oh, it's too easy. Yeah, but you immediately go off your phone, right? So I can just think about something. I can think about like a game, I don't know, Final Fantasy 7 from a million years ago.
13:14Denis:Yeah. What was the second boss? That was into my head, right? I don't spend any time trying to figure it out. Or I might just let it pass. But I've got my phone, so I look it up. Two seconds, I'm like looking something up. You can't just talk. No? You have to keep checking. Keep, like it's not even, it's that I have, it's that I'm sitting on my own doing it. Oh, just to talk to yourself, you find the facts. yeah but what I'm saying is that like if you think about something and you you can immediately figure it out so my brain it's almost like keeps I'm sure there's someone listening to this who's just diagnosed me with something but yeah yeah it's like you know your brain asks a question you can answer it and your brain's like oh that was nice ask another question answer it you know I think I've got myself trapped into something we've lost the ability to figure it out we're gone I've got some big big news okay big things are happening this week and I'm not happy about any of them.
14:04Denis:Yeah. I have to start off two new relationships. Who's this? Me. And? My hairdresser. Oh, you changed. And my dentist. Oh. I have been booked in for a dentist against my will. Okay. On Thursday with a person. And I just, is there anything worse than starting off with a new dentist? Well, they're going to tell you. Oh. You have ruined your life. Oh. Sweets. every time I see you there's sweets Mark you're very bad for sweets the biscuits and the sweets I think it has to stop bring chocolate and sweets and snacks into the studio the whole time can we call it off yeah we're just after eating half a dairy caramel I couldn't stop eating it it melts it goes away it's a danger chocolate it melts did I tell you my dentist gave me thrush one time ever tell you that how did your dentist give you thrush from some funny antibiotic or something and then I got throat and I was horrified.
15:04It is, look it up there on the phone, get your facts. I was mortified and then I had to go back and kind of ask is there any way could these things be related and he said yeah.
15:16Denis:What age were you? 24, 25. Yeah, I was having loads of troubles. Wait, and what did he? It just went away. I just had to change tablets and I never wrote down the name of the tablets and every time I get prescribed antibiotics I'm like Are these the ones? Are these the thrush ones? Because I've no record. I don't know who that was. I don't know where it was. My dentist has never given me thrush. Thank God. Maybe, please, God. Yeah. What are you getting the whole show? It's going in for a checkup. Yeah. A checkup. May as well connect my bank account to the dentist right now and just start funneling money in there.
15:50Denis:Because they're stupid expensive here, like. Well, they have free ones. Yeah, they do. And then they're not free. And then they're really hard to get into. And then they'll only do the bare minimum. and yeah. You would go in on and I mean look it's great that it's there right. I know. It's very hard to get in but like you go in and they just they look in and they blow they blow on your teeth. Just go. Yeah. And go on off for another two years now. And it's maybe what 27.50 something like that. Like it's a it's a reasonable price but you don't get much. I think it was more than that. Would it be more?
16:2345.99?
16:25Denis:But I'm like I'm going to be charged all hundreds. Insane amount. An x-ray. And do you know what Lisa said to me then? Do you know what Lisa said to me? As if this makes it better. No, it's fine because you can kind of pay it off over time. Well, over time is the same amount of money. Till next year and then you have to go back. Let's go back because I'm after eating a load of Percy Pigs with Mark. I'm on the Percy Pigs again. We went through a whole bag of Percy Pigs last week. Oh my God. Yeah, but then people say the fruit is just as bad. Fruit is bad as well, yeah, full of sugars. What can you have?
16:56Denis:Nothing. You can only suck stuff through a straw. that's it yeah they'll tell you off will they yeah and then the hairdresser hairdresser anyone anyone recommendations south of the river there has to be but I do preferably want if it's okay an LGBT joint yeah one to support and two because it's just a much better experience I'm sure there's an LGBT in Clapham somewhere down around there somewhere anywhere south of the river it does mean okay I got mine done today now and I have to say I've had a tough day. Why? Because I went I woke up at half seven and then I was scrolling until half nine and then I was suddenly nearly late.
17:42So then I was running around the house and then I went to see Derek and we did the hair and it was beautiful. And then the wind. Oh, showing that all up. I've been outside now since eleven o 'clock and now it's six. All day long wind blowing the head off me and just destroyed. You're keeping the hair much longer now. It is very long, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we're going for a little. So then, but there's more risk. When the wind comes, then it does a lot to go, a lot to blow around. And I feel a bit insane walking around the streets.
18:16Denis:See, I can't figure out sometimes. No, it's nothing against you. It's actually nothing to do with you at all. Is, you know, when you feel like there's a bit of hair out of place on your head, like you're saying me or you or whatever yeah yeah and you think that everyone notices it but then you see some lad walk past you and his hair is like sky high and you take absolutely no notice whatsoever oh yeah no one takes any notice you know like you want to be fairly bad for someone to notice someone's hair yeah mine blows up and then it sits and it just so easily turns into old nana whatever way it just goes up and then sits and it's like I've had a lovely blow dry I hate it but then when I get it right it's so nice Derek has you under one of the old big hair dryers it looks like that like I have a big fucking beehive big mushroomy like Betty White kind of thing so I was furious about that all day long the wind is I'm so irritable in the wind I can't someone messaged me today yesterday and said they saw me on the train and they said I looked extremely handsome and unapproachable oh good that's exactly what you want you do look unapproachable they said they didn't want to say hello because I didn't look very friendly that's fantastic and then they fucking text me that so now I'm smiling around here that's the best part of it because you get admired but you don't get interrupted is it?
19:41Denis:yeah is that what you well no sorry do you want adulation do you want adulation on a tube though? I don't think so I don't know weren't you giving out about this like three weeks ago? I know but now it's turned I think people heard me this is what I wanted to talk to you about tell us meaning to bring this up right? I, as your friend, right, I need to just ask you something. You have said in the last, I'd say nearly every single week for the past seven weeks. I'm wrecked. No. Do you fall in love? Oh, have I? You fall in love, I think, about seven or eight times in the last two months. Do you think?
20:16Denis:Well, I mean, they're the exact words you used. And then every time you say, I'm in love, I say, who's that? and you saw me a picture I'm like I wasn't the guy I saw last week well
20:33the community is vast yeah and varied and I think it's my job what is your job to be a figure of you know give people confidence and comfort and joy. And yeah, I'm happy. I'm happy with that job. But I don't think you answered anything. I don't think I did.
21:09Denis:Yeah, people move on. But no, I'm not talking about people, Mac. I'm talking about you. Oh, yeah. You're like a giddy goat coming in every week. I know, but it's only novelties. And then I'd run off. But it's like, oh, here's Antonio. in the next week. I do have a friend calling. Hello, Antonio. Oh, do you? I mean, yeah, probably do. Pick any name. Throw a dart. I'll tell you about Antonio. He's a Pilates instructor from Portugal, from the Azores. Oh, very nice. And he wants me to go for a session. And I'm a bit scared. One-on-one or group? One-on-one. Oh, we're back. Hello. Oh, Mark, I'm after eating three mackerels.
21:49Oh.
Read the full transcript
21:50Denis:It's not going well for me. I shouldn't have done it on a podcast like what's a mackerel full fish like yeah like the back of a mackerel like it's a full body oh in a tin no in like a plastic vacuum packed three of them three three mackerel breasts I don't what are they called the heads no heads I'm not eating fish heads Mark they're not like anchovies they're bigger no no they're big lads like The size of the microphone. Cooked. Yeah. Cold. Cold. Do they not come in a tin? No, that's... Well, I'm sure you can get mackerel in a tin, but I wouldn't eat it. God. Yeah, I'm after eating that. I didn't expect that to take you back so much.
22:40I've just not thought about mackerel for 20 years. Yeah. Very popular at home. Very popular. You pull it out of the water with your hand in it. Lovely in a salad. Is it? In the summer, cold, out of a tin. Or you'd have like a bit of tuna. Oh, fuck.
22:55Denis:No, yeah, but you can't be getting a mackerel out of a tin, though. That's what they did. Is it? And then they'd get the can of fruit. What's that called? Oh, yeah. What is that called? The mixed fruit. It's just mixed fruit. With the cherries and the little slices of... Yeah, and then they'd pop that out. You know what I absolutely loved when I was younger? It was the tin of pears. Like a solid half pear. Yeah, and the syrup. Slip out of the tin. Oh, my God. Gone. Yeah. I absolutely love that stuff. And you could drink the can. Silky syrup. Yeah. Talk about like, you know what I mean? Bad teeth.
23:29Denis:Followed your head. That stuff was great. Love that. Didn't like the mixed fruit stuff though. And you get a bowl of that then and... There'd always be a bit then that wasn't meant to be in it. Like a hard bit. A conquer. Or being at half a cherry, melon, pineapple, sometimes a little wedge of a satsuma. Sometimes. Yes. Only one or two. mango is this so strange i mean have we just lost complete touch with um back home or like is all right wouldn't buy that are these things that have slipped out no they're there you just wouldn't buy them well you know but i mean there were there were a mainstay like there was made you buy the mackerel weird oh the protein is it good yeah protein just got bang on the protein i usually like it i usually quite like it but i actually had it with kind of stale bread do you know what i I had a kind of stale bread that I toasted, and then that stale bread, when I was eating the bread, this is going to sound a bit strange, it's like a flatbread.
24:26Denis:And I turn it around so it looks like a mouth. Right? And I put the mackerel in there, and then I was eating it. But it was so stale and crunchy, it was almost like it was eating me. Oh. Do you know what I mean? It's put you to bed for a few days, I think. Would you put a bit of sauce? Yeah, I put a bit of sriracha sauce into it. It was nice. A bit of mayonnaise? No mayonnaise There used to be a tuna Sweet corn mayonnaise in a tin And you'd tip it out Horrific And it would stay the shape of the tin Absolutely horrific You'd mush it with a fork No That's disgusting That'd be nice I don't mind I don't mind mayonnaise stuff If I don't see it being prepared And I don't think about how much mayonnaise is in it I might come and make a salad I do Although I've been having a fight So I'm trying to get on top of my jobs In the house And I got a cleaner Finally Actually for Donald's birthday That was his present Did I tell you this already?
25:28No No That was his present I got a cleaner And Just like regularly? A regular Okay great Well That's what I thought And this has now become a thing That's kind of consumed my life Trying to figure out Because most people have a normal life And they say the cleaner's coming Saturday morning at 10 o 'clock.
25:49Denis:Yeah. Because for most people every Saturday you can be fairly confident you're off and that'll suit. And you go out and have your coffee and the cleaner's there. Great. But my life is, by my own doing, so upside down, I have no idea. I couldn't commit to a solid come this day, every week, at this time. Because I don't know where I am. So she came for the first week. This is three weeks ago. she came oh she whipped around yeah and she brought a friend and they flew around like I was barely putting on my shoes and she had the cooker taken apart she was scrubbing she was cleaning clean up the cooker every time they call over yeah and she was like excited it's a cooker she was excited no she was excited because I over I was worried about not having the right things so I bought everything I had about 20 different bottles of stuff and all new bits and gloves and she thrilled so they flew around and they did a great job took out the bins cleaned the bin the bin hasn't been cleaned did I ever tell you when I was on Domestic Divas oh my god I was on television this will fill an hour here this is your bonus content I was on Domestic Divas RTE 1 I'd say about 12 years ago and it was these two women I don't know who they were but RTE decided these are the Kim and Aggie of Ireland Ireland always copies TV shows from England and just makes the total balls of it nearly there but it was only one season could have been great so we had two days of filming that came into my house and I had to, like the house was bad but I had to kind of play it up a bit and make it really bad for the cameras and sure I was there in the B-roll like I'm a cabaret star and then they did a whole thing of me sitting at a piano I thought this was my big break You've never mentioned this before This is great So then they came in and they just kind of overly shocked by a bit of dirt on the microwave just trying to make a bit of television and then they taught me how to clean and we had all these like tricks and tips like What did they have you cleaning?
28:07Oh the fucking The toilet? The front of the microwave and they were like you don't need to buy all this Lemon Lemon. Lemon. Oh, they're always on the lemon. They think that's a miracle. I think, to be fair, like, just buy a bottle of squirty stuff. I'm not squeezing a lemon into a bowl of water. Rubbing it around the toilet bowl. Rubbing it around. So we did a few scenes of that and then we went out to get lunch and then three very attractive men came in and cleaned the house. Oh. Secret.
28:35Denis:I didn't have to do it. So the domestic divas did nothing? They did nothing. Wait, were the domestic divas coming in to tell you how to clean it? Yeah. You were to go off and clean it then and then they go, look at these results. Yeah. But three burly men came in and cleaned the whole place. Two delicious, maybe from Brazil, mussels. Wow. Whipped around. While you were out having lunch. Yeah. And then we came back and then we had to do the scene of the girls walking in. Like, oh, you've done a fantastic job. And I had to pretend to be all wrecked after. Which marigolds on. Did they make a good on marigolds?
29:07And the two lads sneaking out the door.
29:10Denis:Which is pretty normal. Very funny, yeah. Two big muscly lads. And then I had to learn how to cook a chicken because they were going to stage a scene of my friends coming around and I'm going to make dinner because it's domestic diva. And you've changed now? I've changed and I've moved away from home. Please tell me they did like talking heads interviews with your friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they did, yeah. He's never cooked before. Oh my God. And they were going to cook a chicken and then it was the most basic, like another lemon, shove it up there, chicken's arse so there's a scene of me shoving a lemon up a chicken's arse which is great and then we had the scene of the dinner and then we had to go around like get their reactions of how delicious I've never seen it so clean I've never seen it so clean he's so before this he was so inept he couldn't cook anything and then my mother was raging she was like I showed you how to cook a chicken the neighbours think I didn't teach you anything have you watched that back recently I wouldn't like to can we please watch that together I'm going to do a viewing.
30:11Denis:Will I find a clip? I could find the whole thing. Do you think? Yeah. It's funny though. I was a bit of an RT connoisseur and I've never heard of Domestic Divas. It was a short run. I'd say it was. I'd say six episodes, 2014, if you want to start digging. And I got a lot of mileage out of it because sometimes it gets repeated. Like it pops up sometimes and I really thought this is my big break. I've been on television. And then we had to do a montage of me eating lunches that I had bought because it was all like, I'm wasting my money. Oh, sitting down, like having the TV dinner, throwing a packet of crisps on the ground, being a slob.
30:54But it was outside on the steps of the Smock Alley Theatre. I lived in Tempo Barge. Remember I showed you? It was that house I showed you. And they had to do this montage of me wearing different clothes, eating different takeaway lunches. I mean. Were you loving it? I was loving it and then I was like, I haven't got paid for this. And did you get paid? No. Really? You don't get paid for those things. Are you supposed to clean your house? Just about. Did they do a good job? But it's a funny set up. All those TV shows. They're just rocking. Like. They have all these characters that they're not paying.
31:35Denis:Did I mention we went and we were in this house? and we looked out in the back garden and it had won an Alan Titchmarsh award the garden this is actually leading into the question that I wanted to ask you today if you could have had the career of any kind of with no disrespect like mid-tier television personality in the 90s 2000s who would it be? like in the likes of Alan Tishmarsh you know like who was massive like I'm not saying he wasn't massive but I just mean like my idea would be like you know A-listers would be above that that's why I'm saying mid-tier but no disrespect Alan or like what about like a part even on Coronation Street or EastEnders I think I would confidently say no to that yeah I think it's really hard to do anything else once you've done that I think it's I think it's getting better now because I think people are having shorter stints in it yeah but I do agree I mean like Phil Mitchell will always be Phil Mitchell very hard to do anything else you know I loved Ant and Dec I thought they were fun yeah because they were just themselves like I know there's a huge amount of work goes into what they do but it looked like they were just having a laugh cheeky chappies and like there's obviously weeks and weeks of research and prep to make those shows they were fun I think they're nearly slightly above oh you think a bit lower yeah like you can't be Graham Norton no you want like Ray Darcy yeah but in the in the UK the UK I didn't watch the UK telly this is my problem I go blank I didn't watch okay well what about what about Irish telly then like Derek Davis This would be a good example.
33:37Derek Davis had a great time. Yeah, he did. Fairly just consistent. What did he do during the day? Why? Was he the morning? But just in general, like, what was he doing? Yeah.
33:47Denis:On the rest of his time. He seemed like such an ethereal person, you know. What about Shirley Temple Bar? She was doing the bingo. Oh, yeah. Telly bingo. Telly bingo twice a week. That's a nice job. When telly bingo came out, it was absolutely massive. Yeah. That was a nice job. I completely forgot about that. She used to go in every Tuesday, Thursday. Half an hour, call the numbers, and then she'd do a gig at the George. Really? On a Sunday. That's her life. And how much... I think that's still her life. Is Tilly Bingo still going? I think so. But she stopped doing it in drag, because it's just...
34:18Denis:Well, I actually don't... I don't remember her doing it in drag. She did. I only remember it in not drag. A drag queen on Irish television 30 years ago. No one cared. She was calling out the numbers there. People thought she was a very tall girl. Really? Say some people. Tele Bingo was a phenomenon Like for anyone who A great company Actually to be honest I don't even know what it was What was it? It was like Bingo You just buy your little thing in the shop And then you sit down You watch Shirley And she calls the numbers But what's the difference between that And the National Lottery It's just smaller prizes is it?
34:50It's longer Because she's calling out all the numbers And you're marking the card To see Oh okay So you're playing Bingo Bingo It goes on for a while And then she'd say happy birthday The clue is in the name Dennis And she'd say something about You know Michael sent in this picture and kind of company for people
35:08Denis:yeah I think yeah yeah tellybing would be pretty good over you I could do that one who would you be I think I'd have to be one of the daytime UK people like maybe I don't know of them Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen or something oh yeah you know actually he's is he is he like Llewellyn Bowen yeah maybe him or yeah like a changing room star or something you know or like Gladiators presenter Yeah I did like the people That do the houses Like location Location Location Yes What's her name Kirsty Alsop Yes I like her Yeah I like that We saw that one That one was like Repeated in Ireland Yeah And she was always Knocking down walls I don't think they ever Ever bought a house No no Never like And now They're reconsidering Their offer And it just never happens It never happens Or like a place In the sun do you know what my favorite job of all time would have been yeah kevin mcleod well yeah but that takes a lot of work he has a lot of knowledge yeah i know but that's what i mean as in like yeah like i mean he wasn't just rocking in there i know because a lot of people who present things they don't know anything about the thing and that makes it interesting do you know what i mean yeah like the people presenting bake-off they're not bakers yeah they're TV presenters so they're learning along with you but Kevin MacLeod is an architect yeah and he I think he's built his house out of like bottle caps or something probably so he he has to kind of know what he's talking about that's a bit harder a heartthrob as well he is a dish I don't know how I've never met him we've been in the same rooms a good few times in my I don't think he's gay no I don't think so not yet yeah I've never met him when would you come across Kevin MacLode?
37:02I have to stop saying that phrase. In my other life, my architectural life. Ah, yes. There's been loads of events and conferences. Like an event or a talking. He'd be at, yeah. Any other news? Before we go. Oh, did you see John Travolta got a new face? I saw, well, what did he get?
37:23Denis:So this is the thing. It's actually fascinating, I have to say, is that in, I'd say in the last 10 to 15 years, 10 years even probably more recent plastic surgery has honestly got really really good yeah you'd be raging if you had gone for something yeah 10-15 years ago too soon yeah because what they're doing now is unbelievable yeah and I see people talking about it like in the way that they do it yeah but John Travolta is 70 something looks 45 yeah he doesn't even look 45 he looks like he looks like 36 looks like me yeah like he's he honestly he's no okay a lot of it is they're on the red carpet or whatever right and he's got like flash photography big head of makeup or whatever yeah still though there's no getting away from it like john travolta looks like what you picture john travolta looks like do you know what i mean the back in the day he doesn't look like yeah he looks like john travolta from well the only example i give his face off unfortunately where he's actually in his cage but yeah it's ridiculous yeah it's gotten very good by the time we need it oh I'd say we'll be sorted I'd say we'll be absolutely sorted I'm getting a bit of a chin actually I wanted to ask you as well about the chin are you currently Botoxed?
38:43Denis:I need it you're not? no oh that's good then I need it because you look good well I'm intentionally not moving my face oh right okay but yeah the little crows are kind of sneaking in again here. I mentioned this before, but when you get Botox, the pressure it puts on me to get Botox is unbelievable. I'm 19 years old for a few weeks. I know, but it's the clips. Because the clips go to you and your face doesn't move. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got no lines. And the clips go to me and it looks like, you know, I've opened up some Egyptian coffin and a curse has come out. I've noticed myself, I've stopped, and this is bad, but I've stopped moving my face so much just to that's why you look unapproachable it might be it genuinely is why you look unapproachable because you're just I need to get a bit of money together the price has gone up would anyone sponsor the Botox?
39:33Denis:how much is the Botox? three something now surely you got a deal going somewhere isn't there people who just do this in their shed in the back garden? I won't I can't risk it if I came in here with one eye closed oh my god you came in with a spot before and I need a meltdown imagine or if I got a droopy oh my that happens why because everyone else can just work from home for a few days if you get like a reaction you can end up with like one eye I love the way you say everyone else the normal members of the public as if you're the only person going outside I'm in front of the public eye yeah I'll do that soon but the cleaner she never came back oh sorry I don't know how we didn't get back a month ago and she's been texting and I don't know does she not want to because she was very good and I paid her and so i have some background on this not on your cleaner in particular yeah but and for any cleaners out there who might be listening to this it'd be great actually if you cleared this up because i don't know what's happening i don't know that i have is there too much choice is that what's going on are they under too much pressure and being sent too many different places because sometimes it can be like a third party thing yeah but i got a cleaner before right years and years ago because my roommate was so unbelievably messy right if you're listening you know you are and he's probably laughing.
40:50Denis:It was unbelievably messy. Nice guy in the world. So messy. So I said, look, let's get a cleaner, because I can't keep doing this. And so we got a cleaner in and I came home and he was playing PlayStation with him. Who was? My roommate. The two of them? Yeah. Oh, they hit it off? They just made friends. Became really good friends. Oh. And so we were paying him whatever it was at the time, 50 quid, to come in and play FIFA with my roommate. To be a friend? Yeah. No cleaning going on. Okay. But... I do remember trying to get cleaners in at the time was really hit or miss. They wouldn't turn up. Or if they came, didn't really want to clean.
41:27Well, I'm in this kind of texting conversation now with her. Like, can you come next week, 10 o 'clock? And then maybe. And then I ask, you know, are you free? And then she says, maybe I think. And then no. And I have to plan my life. I don't think you need your house.
41:47Denis:She let me down. I don't think you need a cleaner. Oh, it was lovely. Great. job. We sound like absolute wankers talking about this, by the way. Well, I don't have time. I'm scrolling. Scrolling through half hours in the bed. But then, yeah, I don't know. But it's more the organising is driving me insane. I need it booked. Well, sure there's probably loads of lads listening to this who come in and clean your house for free. No, they're no good. Actually, but this, she was recommended because we have, there's so many LGBTs in my flat. There's like a group. because yeah you want to be sure they're like cool and they're not going to be just homophobic playing playstation oh right yeah you know so we'll see I could just do it myself I suppose I'm going on my holidays yeah where are you after and then I think we have to go what time is the night is it oh we're okay another minute I'm going to Malta or maybe I've been maybe I'm back you're self-indecting give me a shocking statistic on this what's that said it's one of the gay friendliest places right I was shocked by that because I thought Malta was super religious no Malta but it is super religious it could be but it's still it shows everything on Sundays that doesn't mean they hate gays I was just saying it kind of do you know what's the worst in Western Europe for LGBT acceptance and life quality of life probably give a guess have a guess Poland In No like Western Europe Like This side Oh I know where's the border Like around us Yeah yeah yeah What do you think is the worst Oh is it the UK Of course Oh Shocking number 22 Oh that's crap In Europe 22 Spain is number one What as friendliest Hola Friendliest And like statistically The best Acceptance Best Anti-discrimination laws less hate crime trans people can live legally all the different things add up that Spain's number one Malta's number two and then it's probably some of the Scandinavian places and Germany Ireland is like 15, 16 oh come on get your act together Ireland it's all it's kind of level there's a load of them kind of all around the same and then big drop UK Italy and then it takes off with like countries that need loads of work but around here very bad the UK is just shocking gotten so bad when you go to Malta what are you going to do I'm going to wave the flag hello what colour is the flag what colour is their flag I couldn't tell you is it red I don't know a single thing about this place I'm so ignorant you can cycle from one edge of it to the other right I won't I think everything closes on Sunday so watch out for that I'm going in case you need anything at the pharmacy Oh I'm arriving on a Sunday I'm in and out It's for a wedding The wedding is six days long Oh my lord I can't do it What kind of a wedding is it?
44:52Denis:Heterosexual Heterosexual I actually Do you know what? Didn't even mean that I meant as in like Culturally Irish and English Irish and English Okay Six days long We're all going to plant ourselves Into this place We have no connection to Yeah it's about six days long How many? People I don't know I kind of haven't paid attention It's happening soon And I'll Are you a plus one? I'm a plus one. But are you an integrated plus one? Are you like an orbiting plus one? I don't have a job. Okay. I'm not singing. But you know everyone? No, not at all. Okay. I know a handful. And then there'll be loads of people I don't know.
45:25And probably a lot of people I'll... Oh, this is funny now because they might be listening. It's probably a lot of people I won't ever know. I've kind of gotten to the point. I know who I know. Is that awful? I'll be nice, but I won't be...
45:41Denis:Are you telling me if there was a big celebrity there, you wouldn't like to get to know him? I would, yeah. Of course you would. But do you know what I mean? I've kind of... You have your people. I've a lot of people. Do you know what's a strange... It's bad. A strange one I heard as well, but it makes sense. It's that most people after a while stop listening to new music. Oh, I do. Yeah, for sure. Like they don't listen to any new music, though. They're just... I'm full. I'm full. But I try not to... I listen to new stuff. There could be someone... I don't know. I've gotten a bit... Because there's people there that I know and I've not seen for years.
46:12So I'd probably give the time to them. And then I'd love to go for a little walk. Sometimes I disappear after the meal. I could take off out the gate. I'd kill you if I was at a wedding with you and you disappeared. Sure, who cares? Just for a little hour. Just a quick loop. An hour? Who cares? They're all drinking. I'm sober. I'm bored.
46:32Denis:Okay, that's fair. I could take off, go for a little wander. Have a smoke? No.
46:41No we don't do that
46:42Denis:Brilliant So what are you going to do For the six days Because like No I'm going for two I'm in and out Oh right I'm going to land in Make a big fuss I think I'm going to land in When they've been there For three days And they're all Kind of Settled Settled And then I'll be Hello Yeah But if it's six days What are they doing Like it's not Because that's what I asked I was like Oh maybe it's like Well it's a holiday Maybe it's like an Indian wedding Or something No it's a holiday And again I don't know Every day that I'm not working and I'm not making money. Everyone else has annual leave. So I find these things hard.
47:13You had a few jobs up in Malta. Could I do a bit of a private? Cabaret. Could I do a number? Find the gay bars.
47:19Denis:100 % you could. Yeah. Bit of busking. Could I do a 20 minute comedy set? 20 minutes, yeah. I need to do some research. It was British for a while, I think. Till the 60s. It was called the Unsinkable Aircraft Carrier. Is that right? It was very important during World War II. In the wars. Yeah. For Britain. Yeah. till recent I think 60s was it? I don't know when they got there One of those places that like you forget how many places Britain held on to for so long I know till very recent Some longer than others Oh Now Hello Did you see Catherine was here last week? She was Mrs. Colony And I saw a very funny video of Charles and Camilla Who I don't know who arranges these things I think they went to Belfast then there's been a lot of exchange oh sorry sure that's oh yeah anyway well I was going to say they came to visit us but that's I mean they did they did they went to Belfast aren't they great and there's someone decided to give like an Irish cultural presentation so there's a few girls dancing and then they give a bloody baron a drum one each to Charles and Camilla Call it off Call it off Banging Oh not a bit Oh Embarrassing for everyone Okay that's the end of that now Thanks for listening to your internet boyfriends You can watch this full episode Back in HD on YouTube And we'd love to hear from you If you want to drop us a message With your news Or your saucy stories You can get us on Instagram Or TikTok Or you can email us at yourinternetboyfriends at gmail.com.
49:06Off we go now. Very busy. Bye-bye. Bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye, bye.
From the publisher
Mark reveals he actually made his tv debut on Domestic Divas - where they forced him to mess up his house then clean it again. Denis forgets to put on his shoes, eats three whole mackerel and is craving the juice from a tin of pears. He might be pregnant.
They also chat about:
Denis' odd socks
Watching a man sleep, up and down
Trans masc climbing rocks
A dentist giving Mark thrush
Hair turning into an old Nana
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