#71 Denis files for Divorce and Mark explains the Art of Flipping

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1:00Denis:Yeah, I'm great. It's huge. Let's go. Yeah. Welcome to this week's episode of Your Internet Boyfriends. Hello, Mark T. Cox. Hello, Dennis Len. This week, we're talking about flipping, MasterChef, and being called the wrong name. And I'll be challenging Dennis on his heterosexual interior design trends. This show is part of the Headstuff Podcast Network. Very interesting conversation there before we came in. Extremely interesting. Which one? You were flipping around the place, the two of you. very interesting so are you telling me that there is a scenario stop hold on though hold on too soon look good morning everybody are you telling me there's a scenario where someone wouldn't want to finish up finish up themselves yeah and they'd happily walk away from absolutely Interesting Some people Don't need to finish the job Sure wouldn't you just kind of do it anyway No There'd nearly be a contract like on my side of the world That you know Both people are We have to keep going till two jobs are done If you jump the gun yourself You'd be contracted in To lend a hand Finish up the other job No Could be a bit of stomping around the house like you might not get your dinner Oh, Till.

2:23Denis:Yeah, we might not get your dinner at all if it didn't happen. Right. Huh? What? You have no shoes again. Oh, I have no shoes. No, I have no shoes. I'm sick of them. Until we bring back the third camera, I'm not wearing shoes. Oh, they can't see. I know, they can't see it, no. Oh, yeah, there's another view there that they don't have. Okay, so it's just for me. Yeah, there'd be people there that wouldn't mind that. They'd have their role. and when the role is complete they'd be happy enough to say good luck. Yeah. Would you be? No. I don't know. You'd be a selfish I would, yeah. Selfish lover.

2:59Denis:But that's fine. Of course it is. That's grand for everyone to just agree that. We don't all have to do everything all at once. It's grand for you to say. What's the name of that film? Do it all. Everything all. What's that? Flippin' Around. Yeah. The Flippin', I think we might not talk about it right now I didn't even understand it just give us the gist and then we'll talk about it in the bonus episode flipping like romance romantically flipping flipping flipping swapping jobs sharing jobs oh everyone does does oh the top and the bottom yes oh no way yeah you can go on all night yeah you can be there for a while wouldn't be bothered anyway the weather's awful bad isn't it you'd be more of a giver in the relationship yes this this pride season it's all about that's great um wonderful the weather's awful bad the weather is bad join us in the bonus episode where we have talked about a lot of those things we talk about flipping but I also because that's a new one on me but I never I also have a bone to pick with the community which the artistic expression of the community yeah um I'll I'll bring it up in the in the bonus episode oh is this about the mickeys it's about mickeys yeah yeah No Mickey's here No Mickey's here No Mickey's now For now Right Hello And also our bonus episode Will be coming live from a sauna as well But we've no video The video's broken Someone once Tried to get us to do that And I feel like it would be a nice idea Well don't be giving away our good ideas But How would you make Wouldn't all the machines break In the sauna Yeah You just wouldn't have it on You'd just have like It'd be cold It wouldn't be that cold A carrot Do you know, wouldn't it be?

4:46Wouldn't you be worried about it being cold? Could you get a microphone that would be steam-proof?

4:51Denis:Yeah. One of those old 90s microphones. You know, those ones that were like, wow, wow, wow. Or the ones that could go under the water. Yeah, you could get that. I'm sure this way is around it. There's a lot of events in saunas, isn't there? I don't know. Would they have much tech, though? Gear? Yeah. We'd have to project the voice. Project the voice and have a few people down with recorders in their laps. Yeah. How was the week? Very good. Had a lovely, lovely week. Nearly got divorced. I started off, nearly got divorced. And by and large on this podcast, when I mentioned I nearly got divorced, I am the problem and I'm the reason I got divorced.

5:29Denis:This time I nearly handed in the papers myself. Okay. I don't know, will you really feel anything towards this? Like, will you really feel any strong emotions towards this? I did. so I am entering myself into the perfect boyfriend awards later in the year obviously right and to add to that to add to my nomination I was sitting on the couch on Saturday right now this could be a normal occurrence and somebody next to me said oh I'd love a cookie okay right now what would be your response to that there's none there's none in the house end of do you have to go to the shop No, so I said, well, let's go and get cookies.

6:11Denis:I can't have cookies. I'm gluten-free. I want it, but I can't have it. I'm gluten-free these days, but I can't have one. So I was like, okay, so we can't go to the shop and get cookies? No, but you want a cookie. Okay. I said, you know what I'll do? He said, I'll bake you cookies. All right. You see the face there for all the audio listeners. Mark has pulled a fish hook grin. Not happy about it. Okay. You're going cooking Gluten free cookies Yeah Right I'm a handy baker right So I was like fine I'll head off Easy peasy So we go down to Big Sainsbury's We pop into the Free from section Right Free from taste We go in there Yeah Pop around Takes us a while We can't find almond flakes Or almond flakes If you're English Can't find them anywhere We spend ages I spend ages scouring around the place I've picked out a perfect recipe As well for this stuff right Yeah And I'm thinking about all this stuff Thinking ahead You know the way Like I was going to say You know the way women I do Maybe you don't, right?

7:07Denis:But women always want a man who thinks ahead. Okay. That's their big thing all the time. Before she asks you. They want a man who thinks ahead. If I have to tell you about it, I don't want it. Right? So here I am doing all the bits, right? I'm thinking ahead. I've got it all sorted. She has to do nothing. She's following me around Sainsbury's. That's it. Doesn't have to do anything else. We get up to the till, and this is where the divorce happened. Or was about to happen. We get up there. I put in the eggs, the vanilla extract, the gluten-free flour. the almond flour, some butter, all of it popped in.

7:41Denis:Brown sugar. Cost a fortune. Granulated sugar. It cost me about 30 pounds for fucking cookies, right? But anyway, forget about, oh, and also a garden ornament, right? I don't know how that got in there. That was actually the balls of it. Probably cost me 15 pounds for cookies, right? Yeah. And then, she puts on top of all of this, brownie mix. Oh. Just to spite you. In case we want brownies. Or if it goes wrong. Or if it calls her on. Yeah. Now, could I say, in the free-from-gluten aisle, there'd not be a nice packet of cookies there, but you could pick it up. Well, Mark, if we lived in a reasonable world...

8:21You buy them.

8:22Denis:With reasonable people. She doesn't like the taste of them. She doesn't think they're good. She wanted a cookie that tastes like a cookie. Not the gluten-free ones, but obviously not one from a shop eater. I had a wild house. walked out I was I was going to say I was in heat but I wasn't in heat And did you make them? I did make them they were delicious Yeah But I was stropping around the place because it was a stupid brony mix What was the flavour? Chocolate? The flavour was it's just all sugar Sugar the only thing you're just replacing the flour that's all you're doing Oh not a bit of chocolate chip There's chocolate chip in it there is Free from Free from what?

8:59Lactose probably Joy

9:01Denis:It was delicious Free from joy Free from taste No they were delicious They were lovely They were Yeah but let's not focus On the recipe a second Yeah Do you not think that's Do you not think that's The right for a divorce Well I suppose she was saying If this doesn't go right We won't have to come out again You're a long way from a shop Yeah but You're a bit of a Trek from a shop But imagine though If some lovely If you pardon me saying Some lovely twink right Some lovely kitchen twink They wouldn't be cooking Who cooks? A dada No one cooks What about this I like Gays are taking drugs And dancing Alright, how about a lad gets a load of drugs Right And he spends ages getting the drugs Yeah Right, and then you come along With your own drugs And you say, I've actually got all the drugs already Just in case He's been calling in dealers all day Wouldn't you be pretty pissed?

9:48Yeah, I probably wouldn't trust I don't take drugs, by the way But I wouldn't trust I don't take drugs I've never touched them before I do not approve But I wouldn't trust Oh, you don't approve Oh, that's some people's way of life I don't approve Yeah, it's a big statement I think there's do you want to talk about chem sex in the bonus I don't if I go to one more panel discussion

10:11Denis:your problem isn't the chem sex it's the panels it's the panels that it's causing that you have to attend you are that's the end of your career right there it's over for Mark T Cox you're basically saying it's causing you an amazing amount of admin. It's causing a lot of discourse and workshops. Remember you can message us on our official Instagram page, TikTok and email us. I fully support people who need support. Of course. But yeah, if we could sort out the chemsex problem it would sort out a lot of the need for these events non-stop I think so you're saying if you solve Chemsex I'd say fix the problem and then it would solve another problem for me which is attending these events yeah okay so if everyone can band together I know we've got a large large majority audience in the community there I know it is a big problem I know no it is yeah yeah yeah it is an issue in the community I never got involved thank god I missed it I never I never went down that road but equally Mark I really I didn't I know but you were you did enjoy a drink at one point though I had plenty of drinks yeah but I never went down that road Jesus that's a that's a tricky road can we trailer in a thought I have on it and then we will discuss in the bonus look at you how can it be any worse than what you've just said I think the panels are great oh I have to go to one more talk I what I would like to bring up in the bonus episodes I'm going to be saying that all the time stop saying it I'm going to say that I think I think there's I think it's connected to coolness and I think the coolness which it's just like you know chemsex is cool right like I don't know well no I mean a lot of I think people get pulled into it like that right yeah you go to a cool party or whatever and then everyone's pretending that they're doing it for one reason which is to have fun when people are doing it for all different reasons some people are doing it for reasons to just get kind of out of their minds right yeah And then there's other people who might be bad actors.

12:29Yeah.

12:30Denis:But no one can call it out because everyone has to be, you know, this is cool. Not that cool. I'd say there's nothing cooler than a sober afternoon romance. An afternoon delight. And everyone's conscious. There's no. I mean, alert, aware, awake. There's no LED lights. We take a time stamp on that section Do you know There's no LED lights It's lovely It's just lovely Just romantic and sexy And yeah Anyway Have you ever thought about being a heterosexual? Tell me something else It's gone all over the place So the divorce is there So you did make them And they were nice I didn't make them They were delicious And you didn't save any for us Delicious I have run into another little problem as well With friends and stuff But what have you been up to I'll tell you that in a minute I was cooking Well, I was enjoying cooking.

13:23I was hobnobbing with a celebrity chef.

13:27Denis:Oh. I was doing a show at Roses of Elagabalas, which I've mentioned many times. I've done my residencies and then there was an emergency. A performer pulled out and they needed a last minute addition. Resuscitation. So I came swanning in and I was very stressed. You're outside the door. Anyone. Don't make me sing. I was very stressed because I hadn't done the show in a while. and it's usually a kind of a duo show. I have an accordionist, Anya, but she's swept away in a big show. So I had to do the whole thing on my own and I was a bit panicked and I wasn't fully prepared and we were doing so much last week and I was just very upside down about the whole thing.

14:08But it sold out. We put the tickets on sale like two or three weeks ago and it sold out straight away and I thought I've made it. But then I found out part of the reason it sold out was the chef was on MasterChef. Yeah you did mention this Big name Matt Half and half though 50 % tickets Mark 50 % I'd say yeah Who was the MasterChef chef? His name was Matt And he was in the final He didn't win He came second Or third Did well Did very well So loads of people wanted to come And see what he was cooking So I was stressed And then I got there And the crowd Was very mixed And I got even more panicked In what way?

14:48Like Some swishy people Some heterosexual people What were you doing in there? That was older But because Like his friends were there His parents were there Did he not have to tick a box or something? No no It's okay They're all welcome So I was like What am I going to do now? Because It was such But there was still the normal Like the queers And the crowd that would be there usually And I was very flustered Do you ever have a gig Where you're like I think this is going to be A shambles And you kind of throw Quite a lot You throw caution away And you just say Fuck it I'm just going to do whatever they can take it or leave it I was very like whatever and the best yet that's what people said

15:31that's what they said

15:32Denis:who could have known that your story about being ill prepared could have ended in the best show ever because I have now I did a show at Christmas at Rose's and it was one of my worst ever like I'm happy to say that's why this one was the best yet this is the best yet the best since because someone was at the last one Because it just didn't work. I don't know why it didn't work. No one was in the right mood. And I was upside down. And it was just a bit. It was hard work kind of. But this one was just so good. I was very like. I don't know. Taking the piss. And the older people are great crack. And if you get the right type of like old straight man.

16:09They're great. They don't care about themselves. They're not trying to impress anyone. And they're just loose. And they'll just bounce back the jokes. And then I made a friend called Beth, who I think was the mother of the chef or the mother of the chef's fiance or something. She was very, she was important. She was very glamorous. And I was kind of taking the piss out of her the whole time. And it was great. Sometimes the older people are what you need because the gay men are very uptight. The Gen Z's look at the floor. I know, they're very scared. They can't kind of interact or just too, too panicked.

16:44And it can be just, I don't know. But sometimes someone in their 50s is like...

16:49Denis:They don't give a shit. They couldn't give a fuck. They've not long left. So they're just kind of playing around with you. It's great. And just as important, what was the food like? The food was great. Yeah, did you get a bit? It was his first time ever cooking professionally for a restaurant. Wait, did he just win it? Or just come second? Yeah. Oh, wow. Second or third. But like, people on MasterChef aren't working chefs. No. They're not like professional. So, fair play. No. To cook for 40 people To serve everyone at the same time So he's there again Last night And he's there next week Someone else is doing the entertaining I'm booked Unless they drop out of course Unless they have an accident Unless something happens But I did enjoy it yeah I did all my all numbers But Yeah it was just a little lesson Sometimes Well maybe that's not a good lesson But not being prepared It can go well Sometimes you put in less work It can go better Sometimes With the With the playing around And the looseness And I just Actually before I went on stage I was like You're great Just go up and do it Sometimes I like a little mantra I forget to say that to myself A little mantra is nice You deserve to be here You're great You know what you're doing And if you think you're great They'll think you're great Yeah And especially if they're strangers They don't know who you are So if you just Yeah I'm great It's huge Let's go Yeah Well You know That's what you do Have you ever watched Interior Design Masters?

18:17Denis:Alan Carr Yes Bits and pieces Yes Yeah Have you ever sat down And watched it with Donal? Oh he wouldn't I know but I'd love to see him watch it I'd love to see him watch it It's gone to the dogs It's bad Alan Carr's great Obviously Yeah yeah yeah But I don't know There's fishy business going on in that If anyone's watching it there I'm sure there's a few fans So they get like This year it's Next That are sponsoring right next what's that like next home where yeah next like you know yeah yeah yeah well what do you mean wouldn't be that be very popular on my side get a good bargain wouldn't be ruffling any feathers with the trousers you'd get in there but the interior design plates and forks and knives and yeah live laugh love yeah a bit live laugh love but um they this year it's next and some people are saying that they're that maybe maybe allegedly that maybe they're kind of picking the winners towards who the prize is what's the prize so i think you get to go and design some stuff for next using next products yeah like you know you design some stuff for them or whatever give us a give us a catalog there of next products interior design oh okay um lampshade yeah beige beige um A velour pillow.

19:36Denis:Yeah. Silver. Yeah. It says happy on it. Yeah. In script handwriting. Yes. Oh, yeah. 100%. And then maybe a checkered towel for the bathroom. Black and white. Black and white. Do they have those? I'm not sure what that is, Norma. You have them and I had to take them away. There's three fingers being poked up in the air here. The sticks coming out of a cup of water. Oh, oh, sorry. Sorry. No, you're going to fall here. I hate them You could What are they called? Lisa, this might be a Do you know the ones? Yeah Three sticks I can't remember the names of them now What's it called? She gets them every single week A little Declan, what are they called?

20:15Denis:A jar A diffuser? A little incense things No A diffuser? No It's a jar of liquid And you have sticks coming out of them I don't know, is that what it's called? Diffuse No, maybe it is There's one of them there and I had to hide it Why don't you like diffusers? They just don't look they just look a bit they make everything look they're live laugh love they don't live laugh love they don't fall into that category and then the sticks never sit right well you can make the sticks sit right but you're not you're a constant twist in the sticks to get them to sit symmetrically never felt so attacked I think this is actually offensive don't like them I think it's culturally insensitive I thought you'd like them no do you burn incense we have a Muji steam thing and it blows out the extra machine do you know it blows out the cloud of air.

21:05Sorry, I didn't mean to get so aggressive about that. I just don't like them.

21:08Denis:You're going to have to explain yourself to Lisa because she's addicted to buying them. I just don't like them. And the other thing I had to hide in your house one time was the pussy willow. Pussy willow. What's wrong with the pussy willow? Again, another design move by Lisa. Well, that's two no more. What's wrong with the pussy willow? There's something about it. Do people know how would you describe pussy willow? A tree, a little twig with little pussy bits on it. Little fluffy bits. Kind of like cotton balls. Cotton balls, yeah. You know what it's called? Pussy willow. I think that's what it's called.

21:41Like the sticks with the balls. I don't know.

21:45Denis:Why? Where's that coming from? I don't know. When have you encountered that before? Is that a common thing you've encountered? I don't know where it comes from. Is that what it's called? Yeah. I don't like them. I don't know what they give me. You don't like pussy willows? Yeah. I wonder why that is They just kind of They just Yeah Don't enjoy them in a room Don't like them in a room Okay What else can we get from next We'll never get Asked into next anyway It's the end of our next contract anyway Well they have kind of Bits of metal You love bits of metal Object Kind of Things you put on a shelf A stag For no reason A stag Yeah like a deer's head yeah or a candle coming out of it or a kind of a multi-coloured zebra no?

22:36yeah it's dangerous isn't it because then you're leading everyone down someone won master design whatever it's called and they designed that venue that I did my show 21 Soho remember this? oh really? the comedy club in Soho Square the the winner the the the prize was to design the club. Downstairs? Yeah.

23:01Denis:I've been in that. Is that kind of the green? Yeah. Oh my God, have you heard about this? We're under attack. Have you heard about millennial green? What is it? Dark green walls. Yeah. Feature walls. Yeah. Yeah. That's supposedly a thing now that the other generations are taking the piss out of. Yeah. I've been told I'm a millennial. You are a millennial. I have a new friend and he has pointed out a good few times. Is he not millennial? Do you know what he came for? What is he, generation? My lo-fi beats What are you talking about? He came for your lo-fi beats He came for my lo-fi beats He said I was an old man Really, are lo-fi beats not?

23:38Denis:They're millennial Thing they listen to? No What do they listen to now? Just white noise? I don't know Yeah Wait, if he's a millennial Or he's not a millennial No, he's not Is he a generation above you? No, below Oh, below Oh, so what is he? Gen Z? Yeah Oh, okay Like, whatever Late twenties

23:57my lo-fi beats

23:58Denis:lo-fi beats can't believe they've become uncool they're keeping half the place together do you know what else I've actually not wanted to bring this up on the podcast because I think some of these things are just to pick on people but you know what else is on the way out the old wingtips on the eyeliner did you ever see women going around with the wingtips all the way across yeah yeah yeah You're lucky you didn't do that with two hands That's right Cut that out Cut that out Okay Okay Yeah the wingtipped eyeliner is gone They're gone Yeah supposedly that's meant to be a real sign that you're You know a millennial Jesus Can't do that anymore Right What time are we on?