#74 The heat and Mark's big secret finally revealed

0:00And we're live on Match Day as Doug reaches for a buffalo wing. He's got it! Oh and he's gone for a can of Pepsi too! What a finish! There's no doubt about it, it just tastes better. Match Days deserve Pepsi.

0:16Denis:No, I'm not. I'm not. We've built this podcast on honesty. Welcome to this week's episode of Your Internet Boyfriends. Hello, Mark T. Cox. Hello, Dennis Len. This week we're talking about spitting on croissants, late night fans and Scottish men in kilts. And I'll be telling Dennis all about the heat. This show is part of the Headstuff Podcast Network. It's very hot. It's very hot. The summer heat has killed us. I've got my little water here. Oh yes, cheers. Cheers. I wasn't offered any ice. Were you not? Coming in here. You're going to sound very ungrateful in a minute. What was last Sunday, Mark?

1:02Denis:Papa. Papa's day. Papa's day. Last week. When is this? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. How did you celebrate it? I had a big day out. Yeah? Yeah. Where'd you go? I went, well, I did a tour for the LGBTs. A lot of papas, a lot of dadas were on the tour. Oh, lovely. I think having a day out. They came to see me. Hello. and then I went on a day out with my same-sex partner. Lovely. And we went all over the world. Did you go? Well, I was with my OSP. Yeah. And, you know, you're sometimes our nemesis, Lisa. Yes. Who you deride for her re-diffusers and stuff. Yeah. We spotted a lovely gift for you and we said we'd pick it up for Dada's Day.

1:45Denis:Oh. What is this? Well, you'll have to see. Oh. Here it is. A ball of tissue. A big ball of tissue, which you can keep and use for whatever you need. For the audio listeners. Yeah. Just maybe some... They'd love that. Oh, that's good. What do we have? It's a vessel, I think. Yeah. Of some sort. Is it going to be a candle holder? No. Oh, it's quite well wrapped. Is it a ceramic piece? Ceramic piece. Oh, it's a little cup, is it? Yeah. What does it say there for the listeners? Top dad. Oh that's nice That is nice That is nice All the meanings A lot of meanings to that What meanings would you say are in that?

2:30Top dad, the best dad And? Best of the bunch Yeah Is that it? That's lovely Can I pour my coffee into it? Of course you can yeah That's very nice Thank you Where'd you get that? We bought it in Prowler

2:41Denis:You didn't No I don't know where we got it Sainsbury's or something Yeah I saw a card saying Dad you blow all the other dads out of the water or something. But out of the water is on the second page. They don't think, do they? No, they don't. That's lovely now. It's a nice wide one. That'd be nice for a cup of soup. Yeah, would you could? You could have a little oxtail inside that. That'd be nice for a no instant oxtail cup of soup. That's exactly what we need right now. That's just boiling. 47 degrees. Oh yeah, a lovely big hot cup of soup. I'll tell you what though. Put that there. Thank you.

3:17Denis:Do you know what? I could talk to you about soup all day long. Go on. Let's talk about soup for an hour. Please. I think that crappier soup is better soup. Oh, yes. Than good soup. Or powder soup. Best soup there is. Which flavour would you like? I'd be a farmhouse vegetable man. No surprises there. But if it took my fancy and I was sick enough from school, I might have an oxtail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does that have minestrone? Does that have the little bits of pasta in the oxtail? That's a different one. No. Oxtail just has brown It doesn't have any I don't know Ingredients, flavour or nutrition No bits in it No nothing Unless you cook it really badly Which in my house happened a lot You might get a couple of lumps Lumps Yeah With farmhouse vegetable oxtail And then also if I was feeling I'm turning off my phone Is that so bad I was going to say If you're feeling fruity Oh yeah Where did that come from Sure I do often So the 1970s And we just popped out there I'd get a cream house of vegetable.

4:19Oh, that is nice. Would they have little cubes of carrots? Perfectly chopped little cubes of carrots.

4:24Denis:Yes, dehydrated and like 250 years old. Did you have those when you were younger? About four millimetres cubes. They're really good. Do you think they're just scraps from the carrots that they used for other dishes? I think they're actually shipped off of the colour orange. I don't even think they come from a food source. And then one pea. that is like a sun that has been, an S-U-N, that has been like crushed down to a pea size because when you bite into it, it breaks all your teeth. Oh, hard as a rock. Yeah, hard as a fucking rock. That'd be lovely now in the heat. Yeah, a nice hot soup. Nice hot, well sometimes, do you know the woman at work who insists on drinking hot tea?

5:07I have a hot coffee. I have a full roasting hot black cup of coffee here. Don't know why. And that's my third coffee of the day. I went to get a coffee earlier. I was going to get a croissant. I've tried to ease off on the treats and the carbs because there's a lot of moments now that call for no blouse.

5:31Denis:Well, I think we should talk about the one that appeared at the weekend, perhaps. I was called into the room. Which one? The one that nearly revealed all the Christmas shopping. Which one? My pictures? Yeah. I can't remember. What was it? There was... What was I wearing? If the camera was a bit longer, I'd say we were... What did I have on? Nothing. Nothing. It was right down to the V. You could see the landscaping. Do you remember that? I don't remember that. What was the setting? I think it was the classic mirror shot, I think. I have no memory of that at all. No? Did you take it before and you popped it out?

6:08Denis:It could have been, yeah. Sometimes they go out there and I wouldn't realise. I'd say it was a popular hit, though. It was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was. And then we hit them with all the pictures for Father's Day last week. They really imploded. But I went in. I went to grind. I love to spend a lot of money on the coffee. And I went to grind and I said, you know what? It's 30. Is it 34 degrees or something? Yeah. I'd love a cortado. Oh, lovely. But a hot milk. I'd love a hot cortado. And I went in and I was looking at all the croissants and they looked lovely. But then I realised I'm kind of spitting in On top of these croissants Ordering Do you know when they're laid out On the counter They have to have A fucking spit screen They don't Often So you're You're there spitting in And how many other people This was This was half one So twenty past one Those people spitting there since That's horrendous Eight o 'clock this morning Do you never think of it And they had these Lovely brioche sandwiches I'd say they were 8.50 Brioche bun With A little A suggestion Of a bit of bacon Spitting And a hair of ham Everyone's spitting at them Ordering their coffees All morning They're soaking it up I thought they'd get one From the back or something And they're not always Covered up No they're just there I suppose it's the same In Gales and stuff As well isn't it Yeah Everyone's leaning in And oh I'll have this one And shouting And then And it's so loud Everyone's talking loud And they're Coronavirus Do you think They're full of spit by the end of the day.

7:40Yeah. I really don't like it. Might be some people

7:43Denis:going in deliberately to get them. It's not good. There used to be a shopping town on the corner. I can't actually name the shop. Yeah. Because my friend married into it so I won't name them. But it was a time back in the Wild West of Mallow and remember the old Penny Sweets? Yeah. They'd have them down the ground in boxes. Do you remember that? You definitely had that kind of a country shop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just down the ground in boxes and I walked in there one day and I'd always go in there buying penny sweets because if I was a different sort if you wanted to walk up the town you'd get a different sort inside there yeah there was a child walking inside and all of them a pawn no no with his feet foot into it footing around inside and all the penny sweets no one getting a load of it no one seeing a problem with it yeah that was a big wake up call for me and then after about 20 minutes come out but like too late a load of pepper pigs stuck to the bottom of the foot and drag the child there'd be pawn there the croissants in Lidl I think I talked about this before oh my Do you know the Alright okay I think I talked about it before Let's get on to this No this is important To discuss this There'll be a child there Dribbling in And then A good while would pass And then they get a smack On the head And be pulled out But should they have Pawed at all The people at the bananas Need to cop on to themselves Have you seen the banana people Squeezing They go up And they're examining The bananas Hard to get the bananas Now in the heat Is this the banana I need What's this banana And always the bananas Are always at the start Of the shop for some reason And the banana investigators Are there and they're there for about 15 minutes and it's like, lads, just grab whatever banana feels reasonably okay and move on.

9:14Denis:And stop touching all the bananas. Hard to get them right now, they're heat. You want them a bit green. Green ones, yeah. You want them to last because of the bananas? But also, Mark, you just want to go home. Do you want to spend time with your family? Stop trying to hit the fucking green bananas. But if you get a banana that's yellow, be gone tomorrow. Would you eat a mushy banana? No, I wouldn't. I think those people should be locked up. I'm going to say it right now. No I'd like a bit of a bite If you're taking If you're taking a travelling banana These people that bring bananas around the place Yeah Bring them on tours of London And that thing is brown and sloppy at the end of the day And you bite into it Yeah I spent the whole week taking out the bin I'm obsessed I'd say twice a day You love taking out the bin though But you've got a very small bin A very small bin And any little bit of food now The heat Stinking Stinking Stinking So I've been obsessed with that What was I talking about?

10:05The croissant So I got no croissant anyway basically that was that was the end of the story No, I'm going to go in Well I was looking at them I was looking at the price of them I was like this is this is a hazard and I walked out You're paying for the spit So I'm going to go in and maybe they're listening grind in Old Street if you're listening we need to put the croissants under the glass

10:25Denis:Okay Speaking of all the heat I had a moment the other night How was your heat situation in the bed? We're on top of the bed now Where else would you be? We're not in the bed Oh you're not under the duvet No The two of you Because it must be Is it? If you're two big men in there It must probably be hotter Would it be hotter? On average Instead of a dainty little girl Well the thing is though The heat comes off him yet Once a month Oh the heat goes up The heat is outrageous Like you couldn't You couldn't touch off him That's interesting But with two It'd be hot yeah It'd be hot Yeah during the summer Yeah yeah yeah yeah Biling like Would you be shticking to each other?

11:06Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's another obsession. I'm changing the bed. Non-stop. What do you mean? Oh, changing the... Oh, non-stop. Washing towels, washing the bed. I'm demented. I'm demented. I'm going to go on. Do you know what she said to me as well?

11:18Denis:One of her pet peeves is. Is that I don't stick to my own towel.

11:25Denis:How do you feel about that? Well, you don't live together. Well, she says hers is the green towel and I get the old brown towel. There's only two towels in the house? She only gets two towels. that's what I said the problem is you need four towels, six towels I mean she has, she's a neat freak right so like what about the washing of the hair? that takes two towels no? probably uses my towel then I guess towel in a gown I'd have to get the towels washed a lot, quick every few days quick quick spin have you run into any trouble now with your extracurricular activities and the heat and stuff must be I have no time I haven't done a minute I haven't done a minute I'm every day of the week I'm working and I'm socialising I went to three homosexual events this week I went to I went to that book launch Holly the saucy book that was great crack that was now the heat about 60 mostly LGBTs in small vests big muscles in the basement of roses.

12:34Oh. Hot. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Very bad. I was given the job of, like, reminding everyone there is other rooms in the building. Get out. That I take over. I can't stop hosting.

12:47Denis:You would be amazing in a local hall in Ireland. Oh, yes. You would. Jeez, you're born for it. It's just that you moved to Ireland or you moved to London. Yeah. But if you were back in Ireland, you'd be running events inside in the county hall. There's a bit of that in me kind of I can't just I'd be talking to someone And I'd look and I'm like She's going to fall off that step You're I can see she's going to fall And she's going to knock that thing You're born to wear a high-vis jacket Yeah And there is one step I think you fell down it I did yeah I nearly killed myself yeah But I had boots on And I placed myself on the step For a good while Just to kind of alert People were I couldn't relax Because I'd hate to see someone fall and die And when you were telling people To get out of the room then were you leaving all the ones you fancied in the room?

13:32Denis:Well I curated a list. I did. I sure I fancied them all. It's a problem. God. I think about you sometimes. I do think about you. I think about like the the grinder messages there I guess screenshotted into me just in case anyone's wondering. I do see them. Yeah. Of yourself there in deck and like God you just have to pick a lot like. There was a lot of picking there. Yeah but the heat I don't know. I need to go back to something on the heat because we forgot to mention something, but I had a, I was going to mention as I asked you about the situation in the bed, is when I, I do a lot of jobs, right, a lot of jobs, I'm forced to do a lot of jobs.

14:10Denis:Yeah. Some of them I gladly do, a lot of them I don't gladly do, but I just do them anyway. And usually, where my real peace comes is when I'm reading my book before I fall asleep. Right, that's where I go. I turn over, she's asleep, I'm reading my book. On your side? On my side, yeah. What?

14:34Denis:What is wrong with you? Go on. It's a funny little boy under the covers. What are you reading? When I'm reading this moment, I'm reading a book about reading a book about Arthur and Merlin. With a little light. A retelling of them. No, I have a Kindle. A little light. Curled up. With your back to her. Yeah That's very funny Yeah I know but Like as in I'm very tentative She goes off to sleep She's gone yeah And then I untangle myself And then I go over Reading my book That's where my peace is right And then I go off to sleep And I'm like Brilliant Yeah I realise that I'm now Not safe when I'm asleep From jobs Oh She sleeps in the inside And the bed was up Against the wall Right Yeah And I woke up In the middle of the night To Oh Oh Jesus Oh for God's sake For God's Boiling because supposedly the fan that we had on the room wasn't able to go over my arse so it was creating sort of a wind dam and she was getting nothing on the other side she was down in the heat and instead of saying to me honey could you please maybe move the fan I'm quite roasting just walk up to I'm boiling I'm absolutely boiling running around the place have you windows?

15:57Denis:I can't picture the room Yeah we do have windows Far from the bed Where's the window? Right next to the bed Oh Beside her Alongside her Yeah Oh And then right So we went through all that Got the fan on and everything And then she went back to sleep And I stood up for about an hour Yeah And then last night Had the fan on I woke up Absolutely boiling this morning Oh Because she'd lumped all the duvet onto me A big winter duvet You're still inside under it? Tone on top of me No you have to get rid of it Well I kind of I kind of go around it a little bit Yeah I use it as a slight bit of a comfort And go around it Woke up this morning I was under the whole thing it was like I was under a field of sand oh no absolutely boiling you could die from that I know temperature could have gone up it's naughty I've had a lot of fighting this week a lot of fighting in the beds do you know do you know I think you'd be better off if you just had summer beds if we could just go into another one do you know what she did to me Jesus this sometimes I think she might be Irish yeah we spoke about this before do you know you get the phone call from your mother or something and on the end of the phone she's going oh god oh god what Jesus what's that happening the cat's after running out the back door and you have gone through 17 different scenarios who is dead of people dying and whatever so I was out watering my garden oh my god you see my garden it's so nice I was out watering my garden which is actually not located in my house and I come back in and there's a small little step in the hall Lisa was sitting on the step right phoned down by her side slack jawed like a tiny little step right she's never sat there before staring out into space.

17:29I thought, fuck, like,

17:31Denis:someone's out of getting cleared out in a car crash here or something. Yeah, yeah. I say, Lisa, what's after happening? And she goes, oh, I was just having a little rest. Oh. Sometimes it gets too much. But, have a bit of cop on, like. I thought someone was dead. I thought everyone was cleared out. She goes, no, I was just having a little rest in a step that I've never sat down in before with my phone down by my side, like I'd just been shot. That's what people used to a lot longer. What? nothing like just sit wouldn't that be nice but we do too much running around just sometimes I see my grandmother there she'd often just sit in the chair staring out in space she'd get up again she'd do something but like when she's not doing a job she has a few minutes and just nothing just sit do you know I saw an old lad in London yesterday and he was sitting on a pole.

18:28Denis:Yeah. And he was drinking a bottle of double concentrate Robinson's. Out of the bottle. Out of the bottle. It was taken in the day. Oh. But like I said, he was just sitting there. That was... Yeah. Not much to do. Slugging that down. When have you done that last? Just sat down with no purpose. I don't know. I don't know. I can't sit down. No, my tooth is flipped. Bad tooth. Flipped into bits. What happened to the tooth? Well, I went to the dentist. as you might have known because I said I was going to the dentist recently. I was, right, it was just great. Going in there, fix it. And they said, you're going to have to floss more, the usual stuff.

19:03Denis:So I said, do you know what? I'm going to commit to this and I'm going to floss. I think I flossed a piece of my tooth out. Oh, excruciating. Horrendous. Did you have a filling? Or what happened? Must be a filling in there. Come out. Like I must have cracked the filling or something. And then I had a little can of cork. Oh. And the cork found its way into the middle of my tooth. Oh. I had to go in and lie down. I had to go in and lie down and then I had someone next to me going if I was a worm would you like please stop talking to me but really if I was a bird where would you keep me alright I think you might need a break I do a little day off can I tell you something though wait go back you're fixing the tooth oh um fixing the tooth yeah I have a dentist appointment tomorrow at half ten so I'm going to go up to the dentist which is ages away and I'm going to go up in probably 40 degree heat to go up and get a drill into the side of my mouth.

19:57Denis:So looking forward to that. Okay, have you the day off after? No. You have to go do things after? Yeah, sure. I'm just doing loads of things with this and I'm just doing my real job. So disaster. Will I tell you a happy story? Yeah. Trying a happy one. Lisa was on her phone going through Instagram and I had a little look over. There's a lot of gorgeous men on that Instagram. Oh, I should have been influenced. A lot of gorgeous Irish men Oh But then there was one popped up Me You do pop up But another one popped up What was it mean? A Scottish man Who's that? Have you come across this fella? This is really no for The target audience listeners Will love this fella A fella who wears a kilt Oh He's got no top on And he does funny handstands I've seen him Out in the woods Yeah With very clever angles Yes So you don't see Yeah And she said Oh this is really funny Oh it's real funny Oh this is very funny This man built like a brick house This man is very funny He goes Because what happens is He goes up And then the kilt looks like It's going to fall off But it doesn't fall And so then she showed me When she goes Look look you'll see it here No wait for the end Wait for the end And we went up And the kilt fell down And we just saw his arse Yeah that's really funny It was really funny She thought it was really funny She watched that a few times Yeah Okay You've come across that fella though I've seen exactly that fella I know and he does a handstand and it's very interesting the spread spread?

21:25without any reveal of anything inappropriate oh yeah yeah it's a skill I've also was Scotland playing football? they were? yeah

21:35Denis:there's a lot of where was that? I was in the US oh wait do you mean the guy doing the handstand? no no the football oh in the US somewhere a lot they're over in Boston yeah oh yeah why? There was a lot of videos coming at me on other platforms of very drunk, look like lovely lads, great lads. What do you mean? Gangs of Scottish lads out after the match. Did they win the match? Flashing. Did they win the match? No. Oh, they looked happy enough anyway. There's a chance that they might be able to get through to the next round if things go their way. Okay. Well, there was a lot of videos of, I don't know, it must have been very hot.

22:18And a lot of mooning and such.

22:22Denis:Don't she have it all? Where's my version of that? Swinging in the wind. Where's the titkilt? Yeah, I mean, I'd say there's a lot of boobies on the internet. I'd say. Do you think so? I'd say there's no shortage. I think the internet was probably mostly built on boobies. Yeah, yeah. Originally. but yeah I enjoyed that what else is that still going on is there more football is England out of it yes no no England are going to be playing the US now soon oh so it's a good one Scotland will have a chance to get through if they don't get beaten by Brazil and I think a couple other things go their way so they have a chance that would be great to see them go through okay and I'm probably going to pronounce this country's name wrong but Cape Verde oh yeah they're they're an African country yeah They have a population of like a few hundred thousand or something Absolutely nothing But they're doing quite well And they held Spain to a draw Which is amazing And then they got another draw off Uruguay So they're brilliant So they're good little stories There's a lot of them I have to tell you about my phone There was an awful lot of concern Did you see the email?

23:38Denis:I saw the email Can we just be real for a second as well? I can't stand by this, not in this heat Who is it? you pretending to be your secretary no i'm not i'm not we've built we've built this podcast i'm not doing this you are that was my secretary you're responding my assistant i caught the camera As if we had some fucking receptionist. That was my secretary. I thought I was hallucinating. That was my twink. It's like Steve sends in a message to us. I've sent you an email. And then I see in the inbox, I see an inbox, Mac will be delighted with this. I've just passed the ransom. That was dicklet.

24:26Denis:And I was like, what? That is Mac. I draft the email. Oh my lord. And then my secretary had it sent to my behalf. I was like, who the fuck is this? How do I get to use this person for some admin? I have a team. You do have a team? I have a big team. Half the things I do aren't me at all. Mark, Mark and Mark. It's just ridiculous. Thanks, Stephen. Yes, what does Stephen say to us? Well, Stephen said very, oh, kind of panicked, really. Like, very urgent message. He said, do not buy a new phone. he said your hole is blocked oh so I went in and I got it cleared out oh yeah and it's working what did you get my port how did you get your hole cleared out my charging port which I assumed was broke was just had a tiny bit of fluff fluff and you got that rid of that and it's working again now it's working perfect any cable goes into it no problem it's absolutely fine what really yeah And you were going to buy a phone for Let us just remind you Two grand Two thousand pounds for some mental reason I was ready I can't explain The stress that I was under And now it's gone And how happy and calm I am Do you know when like I know Your washing machine is broken or something And you can't imagine your life without A broken washing machine Do you know what I want to suggest to you now right Now I know this will probably sound a little bit strange But I think Stephen needs a gift Oh messages Stephen will send you something Yeah Maybe An autographed picture Yeah A free ticket to something A tote Those totes better arrive Are they on the way They're coming next week I didn't have to share three of them Jesus You owe Stephen a lot That saves you I do yeah but I'd say I probably wouldn't have even done it I think I was going to just keep struggling away with that crack with my my hands free charger my wireless charger but I'm thrilled now I'm using the phone non-stop brilliant we also got some messages in as well from other people that we now say hello to who going in from Rachel oh oh very actually nice message was it?

26:52no it was yeah but this was a nice one

26:54Denis:yeah I think your secretary got that one as well I have a big team Big team Big team You do Alright we'll go take a break We'll take a break I'm going to tell you about Gazoo's in the second half Okay

27:10Denis:Mark just asked me there He just said Try and think about You know where we're going For the bonus now To trailer them in Yeah I'm not going to trailer What this is But if you ever wanted To listen to a bonus episode Or you ever wanted To subscribe Today's the day For what I'm about to ask Mark And what we're going to get into Because you mentioned something a couple of weeks ago and you revealed it to my poor old innocent roommate give me a tease no just have to go into something that you said and we're going to talk about it what did I say at depth in depth you're heading away to Pride soon over in Dublin I've been to Pride and I'm back oh shit yeah because because of my international travels we're recording this before I go so I'd like to say thanks very much to everyone that I am about to have met Yeah in Dublin Pride I hope it all goes and went well and Do you have London Pride this weekend so in the same time line that we're in Is it Is that now?