#75 Denis' kinky ice trick and Mark up on the roof at Howl

24:52Denis:oh who is she she's a big drag just comedian she's very good okay if we ever bother to have a guest ever again I want she's number one do you know I told her my drag name oh but I'm really no it's why are you saying oh what could it be no it's really good Denise but I just don't know if it's taken I think it's been taken probably taken probably taken Lorraine Quiche there's Keisha's Lorraine oh she's very funny I want to be Lorraine Keish Keisha's Lorraine lip syncs to the BBC News that's very good soundtrack okay she's very good Keish's you could be Lorraine Keish I'd spell it like K-E-E-S-H Keish Keisha Lorraine Keisha that'd be nice yeah that's all I can tell you I think that is absolute nonsense I know no way we're going to revisit this in the second half maybe in the live shows in the second half as well I do have to address something I put up a story of a scarecrow and nearly broke my Instagram why?

25:58Denis:I'll explain in the second half

26:04we're back big pissers big pissers three big pissers what was I going to say oh it's my my anniversary off the drink 12 years today well done isn't that great that actually is excellent well done I'm going to make an emotional post and hopefully get loads of attention yeah I think you will maybe tomorrow

26:24Denis:you get loads of attention you've never you don't have like a badge or anything you can drop I've no badge could I make one 12 I'm 12 is it 12 2014 is that 12 yes yeah yeah yeah 12 years off the gat off the sauce sauce patrol got rid of you yeah I might make an emotional post what would the picture be? Could I be looking could I be looking at a sunset? Sorry. What could it be? Go on, it's okay to joke. Just a picture of you wrecked. From back then. Yeah, from back then. Well, they keep coming up. If I could show you. Your memories. Oh my God, I was a mess. If I could show you 2014. Big beard. I looked 45.

27:07Denis:But she remembered the video of you from that TV program. That was so funny. Domestic divas. Domestic divas. I looked 40 years old. And someone goes, this is Mark when he was older. Yeah. But I was. That was probably, yeah, about that time. Was that that time? Oh, Lord. So yeah, I'll make an emotional post. And have you ever got a taste for the gats since? Absolutely not. Never? I have no interest. No. Never comes into your head or anything at any point? No. It seems, when you don't drink, you're like, this is mad. Why are you all doing this? We don't have to get into this, but was it hard to get off it?

27:42Did you? Not really, no. No? It was time. But like back then people were so weird about it. Yeah. They couldn't handle it. They were so awkward about it. And even now I have loads of friends who are just a pain in the arse. They can't get over the fact that you're not drunk. London's definitely easier though. Much easier. Way easier. People have stuff going on and they're busy and they're not obsessed with drinking all the time. Yeah. But like 10 years ago people were they couldn't they couldn't handle it. They wouldn't want to be around you. They were like oh as if when you have one drink you lose all consciousness like you don't go from completely sober to polluted like most people are

28:21Denis:well it's a bit of a social contract there though isn't there like as in no but we're having a drink everyone has to get plastered yeah so we are all kind of like assured mutual destruction right because you don't want someone reporting I know sitting there with the periscope going like not like me not like you I would never do that anyway that's boring you got trouble in Dublin for that before We'll do a whole series about that someday Get deep Go deep We could Will we tease the next one? I don't know what it is The next one that's coming up potentially Is going to be on a movie You do know Oh yeah you told me Very good It's going to be a more light hearted one With a little sprinkle of seriousness in it Yeah The birdcage Nice Alright but we're not going to say any more Speaking of me studying movies and stuff Oh with a community flair on it.

29:13Denis:Yes. I have decided, I've actually figured out what my title is. I'd now like to be referred to as a homosexualist. Oh. All right. Is this a... Well, it's like... A studier of... Yeah, it's like an oncologist or whatever. I'm a homosexualist, right? Okay. No, the reason... Who told you this word? I actually heard a guy say it. There was a guy... It's not... I mean, this part of the story is funny. the rest of the part of his story is not funny obviously but his mother this is way back in the day this guy's probably in his like 60s, 70s now and he was saying it and I don't even know when it was recorded but he was just talking about when his mother was coming around and he was living with this guy his roommate and then the mother eventually figured out there's much more going on here and he confronted him and she said I think you're a homosexualist which to me was one of the funniest words I've heard in a long time and then I thought to myself and he was laughing at it too and then I thought to myself I'll say oh maybe I'm a homosexualist a studier of a studier of yeah of the arts you've done a lot of studying I have the last couple of weeks I'd say what do you think where do you think I am now in my schooling like in terms of education oh you've been going into secondary school secondary school sixth class I'm only in sixth class oh I've done some extra modules there's an awful lot did you see me me and Declan half telling you stories earlier I know yeah there's a lot we have an amazing thing going on i like breaking the fort wall when we talk here and then we go back to something else afterwards when all the cameras go off whatever but there is this almost unsaid thing where you're having conversations you'll say stuff i fully understand what you're saying i just don't engage and we just let it wipe out you know like let's say i've walked out a room and i come back in and then as one day you know declan said and then his arse exploded or something and then we go oh well we have a biscuit and a cup of tea you know oh like you didn't hear us yeah yeah yeah like the mother going around the house thank god we survived dublin there were hr issues i'd say there were there were hr issues can you can you because i know we we had a conversation we have the bonus will we try a bit in the but we'll see we'll try a bit in the phones but can you just explain for the listeners now and we'll go into the bonus then afterwards and no families love subscribe to the bonus what what does it mean when they're going around the floor

31:35Denis:what does that mean who you said it a couple of times there was 20 of them on the floor what does that mean i like i was trying my best to figure it out i was like i don't know i'll tell you later i'll tell you later i'll tell you later but sure everyone who listens to this podcast knows i'll tell you the other one after 20 on the floor all right i'll tell you the bonus episode I'll tell you after. So, wait, you think I'm only at a primary school education at the moment? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've still, I've, like, I've got a... You have another five years. I have the Leaving Cert. Yeah, yeah. A degree and a Master's to do.

32:11Denis:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's only been a year. You've only heard half of it. It's been a crash course. I've been doing grinds. Yeah, no, there's a good bit more. I feel like I... And it's also, you've just been hearing. Yeah. Like, there's a lot you haven't seen. No, there isn't. You know? If I could show you, oh my god Where I was this weekend Come on, tell us We're celebrating You know Proud month My pride is questioned Why? I just saw a lot What did you see? If it wasn't you, what did you see? I saw a lot I went to Howl Which is a club Which happens a couple of times a year all over the place and then for Pride they basically take over Hackney Wick like the whole town and they had like 10 or 12 venues around Hackney Wick and you get I still have the thing you get a wristband and that lets you into all these different venues Is this why you said you were 10 hours in a club?

33:16I was 10 hours Yeah What were you doing? I don't know Just chatting And like sober Nothing Just going around It was lovely Come on

33:27Denis:let's give them something well there's DJs did you see anything new that you're like oh that's interesting well it's mixed it's mixed genders right fair so I saw a lot of things I hadn't seen in a while well what what did you what did you see boobs you saw some boobies boobs yeah was that nice you did it all yeah happy pride flying around the place it was like being it couldn't be more the opposite of what was going on in Central in Soho there was it's like it's gone beyond the rainbows and the speeches and the it's like they've lost the rainbows no but it's like just living queerness instead of performing putting on signs and doing speech it's a very interesting different way of doing Pride just before you cancelled there when I said performing I didn't mean performances I know I know I know I know But it was more like We are so queer We don't need to be Yeah Doing it in any particular way To please anyone This is just how How we're doing it It was so nice It was every kind of person You've ever seen Just dancing And just so It's kind of It's not really like me To just be so carefree I'm like where's your stuff Where's your bag Where's your phone Everyone's just going around No clothes Dancing in the fucking canals And It just seems to Yeah Yeah, but it seems to just be fine.

34:58People who go clubbing, like proper go clubbing, they're genuinely careless, like carefree. It just works out. You lose your shit, it's fine. It's fine.

35:09Denis:Have I brought this up? I might have brought this up in the podcast already, so stop me if I have. But I really want someone out there to tell me, anyone at all who's ever gone on one of those weekend to Ibiza or weekend to wherever, that's on, when you stop at a traffic light in a busy junction, there's a poster up. have you ever seen those what it's like weekender in abiza oh yeah yeah july to 90 july all inclusive and then it has like uh you know i don't know dj bloomhaven and yeah yeah all these different ones and it's like a package holiday and you go away for three days with a lot of strangers or something off your bin yeah like who's good there's been much going those yeah well i really want to i'd love to talk to someone who's done just let go yeah yeah it was lovely but people were like conscious like it was people weren't off their head everyone was just having a great time it was just very very lovely and then you take a little break have some food make some friends and then you go into a little room go for a dance a dancing room there was a there was a few dancing rooms yeah that was great were you dancing?

36:12I did a bit of dancing yeah fun?

36:15Denis:yeah any banya? yeah yeah yeah you're being so amazing it was great it was so good it was so it's like time stopped or something lovely come on you can ask me anything I'll be totally open ask me anything come on I'll tell you about my hijinks from your holiday yeah from a holiday in where's it Bognor Regis Bognor Regis where did you go that's such a funny name no I'm down in Lime Regis what were you doing having tea Lime Regis yeah just having tea with a lot of retirees shopping for aunties amazing I'd love to do a flash So say like Saturday afternoon Half past six If I could show you The scene that I could see I can't describe it I actually can't Why can't you describe it In a non I cannot Can you not describe it In a non like voyeuristic way Just like in a fun way Well just Bodies Thrown around All over the place Upside down Where was this Hanging out of the roof What do you mean No In a big fucking warehouse With no windows What the fuck do you mean What do you mean That's a really Straightforward question what do you mean where were they hanging out the fucking windows hanging out of swings hanging out of ropes I was in I was in an antique shop in Lyme Regis genuinely was I was looking at I was looking around at toy soldiers and stuff can we make one of those videos that would be very funny really funny yeah and the non-stop I can send you techno music and the red lights and the I can send you footage of what I was doing and then do do do do do do and you're like just having a look around some china plates who's happier you probably are i was very happy i had a great time you probably are so well i went i went for a very fancy dinner in a place called the pig oh yeah that's you big deal yeah it's big deal yeah yeah went to the pig nice we didn't stay there because it's yeah yeah most expensive hotel in the world uh but we went there we had a lovely dinner for ourselves probably the nicest dessert i think i've ever had in my life what was that and the best thing i was um it was like fancy oh my god I can't remember what they're called now what's things where you dip them in chocolate they're filled with chocolate like a Spanish thing or something I don't know like a crusty thing do you know what that is?

38:28Denis:churros yeah like these little really fancy churros and then this kind of like chocolate tart thing oh my god it was unbelievable but they took longer than probably about four minutes to bring it out to us so then the lovely waiter came over and goes we're really sorry you've been waiting on dessert it's on the house oh that made it about 100 times nicer how much was dessert? it was expensive 20 yeah it was about 20 quid straight off straight off the bill I was like oh I'm gonna eat this I wouldn't even notice we were chatting talking shite so got it in it's lovely would there be an expectation now?

39:03of what? when you go to a very nice restaurant of? that that could be the big moment.

39:13Denis:Oh, the big moment. Oh my God, that is a question. I'd be worried if you went somewhere like that. Well, I didn't organize it. I didn't organize it. Could come from the other side. 2026. No, it would never come from the other side. No? I don't think so. A big question? I wouldn't be opposed to it, you know. I wouldn't, but no, I would. Would you not be sweating in the seat? It's no one's birthday. Well, I did. It's no one's. I did get a clatter ring that was a dodgy one yeah that was a dodgy one I had to explain it as I was opening it like you hold your horses here now like you know yeah I think I'd get nervous if maybe if we were staying there yeah then that'd be a bit different because it would cost a fortune where was it?

39:57Denis:a fortune there's a couple of them oh this pig where was this pig? this pig was in around Lame Regis it was really close to around there when did you go to the pig? I went to the pig I'm trying to put the two lives side by side. I went to the pig Monday, I'd say. Oh, fine. So where was I? Saturday? Saturday at half six. I think I was walking around the field. I think I was walking around the field and then we went for like a drink. There was no one around. Went for like a little drink just after this antique shop. And that was it. We were taking quaint little pictures of things. Sounds nice. Yeah, it was absolutely lovely.

40:36Denis:I loved everything. Was there a little stop for a scone? Yes, we had a cream tea. She got caught bad, though. What? She got caught bad. She put in... She wanted to go eat in a place and it was called, like, Otter House or something, you know? Yeah. She's like, oh, we're going to go here and we'll have a little lunch. It was a garden centre. Oh? She had to shop? It was a garden centre. No, you had to shop. She thought it was going to be like a lodge, but it was like a B &Q. It just happened to be in a place called Otter House. Oh, it wasn't booze. No, we popped in and it was lovely out the back and we could hear the A3 next to us or whatever it was.

41:12Denis:But we had a lovely cream scone in there. Yeah. That was delicious. We just relaxed. We met the lovely people in the guest lodge. I find the guest lodge a bit weird. It's a bit strange, isn't it? I like an anonymous hotel. Oh, actually, I meant to say, myself and Declan, one of the comments was, a man had to open the door of the hotel when he came back late at night. Make sure you're not bringing any friends. What's he called? Concierge. I don't like that. I'm not sure. That's because Irish people are taking the piss. They'd be booking one hotel room and there'd be 47 lads inside. Do you think?

41:51Denis:Yeah, 100%. But like if you'd any carry on, what if you were arriving back with your friends? From experience, if you wander in, but I can only talk from a straight point of view. If you wander in with someone, say, hello, how are you? You're very polite. On you go. No problem. But they all knew us because we were around doing photos. Yeah, but you'd have no problem. But I don't know if you're walking in with a lad, would you assume that you're just going drinking? You know what I mean? Yeah. What's the rule in a hotel? You can bring people back. But they haven't paid. What's the actual rule? Any listeners?

42:30You're paying for the room. Do you think we have any listeners who work in hospitality?

42:33Denis:You're paying for the room with max occupancy of two. So do what you will with that. So if you're having a street from you'd be caught. If we landed back with five or six. You'd be caught. From the George. Which she did. But you'd be caught. Yeah, you couldn't go in there with that many then. You'd have to get another hotel room. Health and safety. Fire and safety. Yeah. Is that it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We used to go off on trips around Ireland. We'd stay in the four-wheel in. Have you ever done that? Who? The four-wheel in. No. That's the car. we'd stay in a car park and we'd sleep in the car or go on again yeah and go on again in the morning completely over the limit which is not cool don't drink and drive kids but we'd wake up in the morning someone opened the door, vomit out onto the car park carry on, get going again one of the lads he went into a hotel to try and sleep in there he didn't have a room or whatever he woke up in the morning and he was underneath a meeting room table in a conference place while people were coming in to do like, you know, an early morning accounting talk or whatever.

43:35Denis:But he was under the table going like, will everyone out now? Will I wait here? Will I mingle? Oh yeah. Should we know money? We couldn't be doing it. I know. Yeah, I wonder, could you get stopped? Are you telling me you've never brought a lad back to a hotel? Or you've never been brought back to a hotel? Well, I'd visit. But would they know then if you scuttled out again? before it's like if you go in for an hour or two maybe oh should I see all sorts happening what if you try and have the breakfast oh my god the breakfast is the breakfast good oh a treat looking out across the docks I got a glimpse of another life if I had just held on there in Dublin and got a nice job working for Google I could be a millionaire that's what they all do head of HR everyone works I don't know what they do they all work for TikTok and Google and not for long I don't know is that right not for long the robots yeah the robots are coming to get us do we have time do you want to tell me one more thing um what's on your list here 10 more minutes yeah no we can do 10 minutes i can't read the thing oh you're a scarecrow you never told us oh yeah i do have to address something i put up a story during the week right because i bought a cool little camera thing right and i've been going around with that yeah and so i was taking some pictures putting up my story being an instagram man right and i put up this picture of a scarecrow right and it's i saw it it's like you know i supposed to describe it to people who haven't seen it imagine like a 1970s english um kind of cartoon yeah called scary george or whatever and there's two kids and they hang around with this weird fucking scarecrow and they go on adventures with it right and everyone has nightmares about it it's kind of the scarecrow i took a picture of right i took a picture of it people interpreted it in all sorts of different ways i heard there were two people in a lovely gay gallery were questioning was i okay and was i having a nervous breakdown which i don't know did they think i made because i put up a caption which i thought was clearly a joke um spending some time with my dad right oh explaining that the scarecrow was my dad i got another message from an ad in america who said i don't know if this is a joke or not but that's pretty impressive of yourself and your dad made that scarecrow oh yeah they're trying to there's nothing to it there's nothing to it it was just a scarecrow I think because you never post anything they must think it's important yeah probably is this you trying to do social media oh call it off yeah they must have thought like he's after doing a course now and he's after put up the scarecrow they really were freaked out by it well where was the pictures of the scones the pig I don't I don't want to go to the pig with everyone else do you know what I mean I like to lock in when I'm there she takes some nice pictures she's taking some nice pictures I'd have to get you on a course I just don't want to do it like I want to sit there without my phone on the table do you know there's a there's like a thing being done that if a person has their phone on the table they're like they're not as relaxed as if it's in their pocket because you can see it I was sitting down watching TV last night and there was a glint coming off of a ketchup bottle and I thought it was a notification on my phone and I kept looking over at it I know so no i like to i like to i've taken some beautiful pictures of her right i'm a fiend for taking photographs um but other than that i don't know it just seems a bit it just like i was in a med i was in a meadow i was walking along yeah i took a selfie and i just thought what am i like i know like why like it's but if you took a picture of you in a meadow everybody oh it's mark in a meadow so so mark but if i take a picture isn't it just a bit fucking cringe they think there's something wrong yeah they do that's awful isn't it you take your picture if you want but only if you want I don't really want to well that's fine then I took some pictures of some stuff and it was fun took some pictures of ants that was great ants I have a garden I have a beautiful garden I know I have petunias I have cosmos I have everything they'd love to see the flowers I know I will show them but you know I'm half afraid then of giving away my location as well I know but I took a picture of not I took a picture of it but basically I have lovely cosmos but they've been taken over by aphids and the ants are farming the aphids oh isn't that pretty cool the ants are coming in and milking the aphids and taking the stuff from the aphids and then running away oh god take a picture of that I did to show the people I did I put it up I put Black Sabbath music to it

48:12Denis:I'm sorry I just find it more interesting right than going around no shade on you but like you see a bit of graffiti excuse me that's my career and you take excuse me you take a picture of graffiti and you put a little Los Angeles filter on it but there might be a message there about of what I don't know being a homosexual stop being racist stop being there's a little something in there phenomenal phenomenal if anyone would like to book me for a street art tour please do I need to work I have are you coming? no I will soon though but I have a question from a listener that we never dealt with oh yeah how much time?

48:51Denis:six minutes quick six minutes to do it a fascinating question from a listener which we touched upon in a business and bonus episode a couple of weeks ago I can't remember we never got onto it though why are English people and this is from an Irish person why are English people so fascinated with wax figures? so Madame Madame Tassaud Pads. Packed out. All of these places. Fake people. Fake little wax figures. I know. And people go in and take pictures with them like they're real people. Is that not a thing in other countries? Well, I would say just... Is that an English thing? In our little bubble of the UK and Ireland, and I pause between those two things.

49:31We went on school tours to Dublin. But you know... To take pictures at the wax museum of...

49:39Denis:A gammy caveman. The Pope. Bono Mary Robinson or Michaelis probably Robinson as if they were real I know it's so weird we were so excited but we were 10 years old were you actually excited? we were excited I felt like I met them you know Madame Tussauds they used to have one cleaner on the duty in there and they had to change it to two because they kept catching people like kissing the models and fondling them and stuff. So they have two going around to keep them, but of course that'll cause his own problems. You can see who could you see? Harry Styles. See Harry Styles? You can see all of them.

50:33Mary McAleese. Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift, yeah. And they yeah they think it's real I don't know no they don't think it's real but it's

50:43Denis:why are you taking pictures who cares it's a bit of stuff mushed into the shape of them it's just weird it's just idiot but it's no different than seeing a painting or would you take a picture with a photo of them it's kind of like that's it yeah it's like a photo you didn't meet them like yeah I don't know it's very odd is it the novelty of taking they love the queen sit beside the queen kiss her I don't think you're allowed to kiss him no no probably not and then but you know the dads would be doing cheeky poses and the women would as well the wives oh yeah cheeky poses fiddling Harry Styles I didn't mean fiddling balls Harry Styles is all over my phone in those little shorts from Wembley but you said that you didn't agree with that what do you mean objectifying yeah I'm just saying it I'm not saying it's good or bad don't look at it can I tell you some controversy from the drag scene yes please one minute Harry Styles had loads drag queens in his show at Wembley or like as a pre whatever like a pre-show thing because it was Pride on Saturday in London I didn't even tell you about London Pride oh I did did I I did yeah I've gone lost Anyway All these queens Got booked Last minute To go to Wembley On Pride Taken away from all the Pride events Every Bingo Every karaoke There wasn't a bingo card Filled out in London Every queen in the town Has gone to Wembley Very funny Very controversial He didn't realise So there was a lot of A lot of drama about that I don't know If I booked a gig I'd give it up I'd probably commit to it I'd probably commit to it I think I'd probably Well look at me Like a fool I kept my tour And then three people showed up Yes Just like Wembley Just the same It's the same Would you drop a gig To go open for Harry Styles Would you drop a nice gig In Angel Comedy Club To do 10 minutes for Harry Styles And Wembley You would Probably would yeah You would 80 ,000 women looking at me Yeah 60 ,000 women looking at me And a couple of gays 20 ,000 men You would, wouldn't you?

53:12Probably would for the adoration Can't blame them You have to fight Fight for your love

53:18Denis:Alright, we'll do this bonus Okay Follow us over I'm going to get way more out of Mark In the bonus episode I have nothing left to give you I need to find out What's sliding around us Okay, come on over For a bonus episode On headstuffplus.com Where you can come on a second date With your internet boyfriend friends and hear all the dirt that we're not allowed to tell here to the general public. We have new episodes every Thursday. If you have a comment, question or story, send us a DM on Instagram or TikTok. Lovely.

53:52Denis:Legally, we can't say drinking Storm makes you smarter and more focused. But with zero sugar, 200 milligrams of caffeine and immunity support, you're smarter and more focused for drinking Storm. Storm. Good energy in, good energy out. Energy for life.

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