#77 In defence of Madonna and Denis' near death experience

0:00Don't forget to buy your ticket to gay speed dating in conjunction with my friend of Dorothy in Ministry of Sound in London on the 31st of July.

0:10Denis:It's going to be loads of amazingly good looking people there. You're going to have your pick, but also if you don't want to get involved, you just want to have a laugh and meet us. The ticket is still worth your price. Yes, there'll be comedy, there'll be songs, there'll be community members and loads of free bits. Yeah, there is an insanely good goodie bag. Loads of goodie. Welcome to this week's episode of Your Internet Boyfriends. Hello, Mark T. Cox. Hello, Dennis Len. This week we're talking about whole festival, guzzling bleach and cleaning windowsills. And I'll be furiously defending the art of Madonna.

0:42This show is part of the Headstuff Podcast Network.

0:47Denis:Hello and welcome. I was just going to maybe do a number. Go on, go for it. I have a performance. Yeah? Coming up. It's not like me. What are you doing? On Saturday night I'm tinkling the keys Where? I'm tinkling the keys For the trans community Lovely At Roses of El Gabalus VIP Event I'll be there I'll be singing downtown Yeah Is someone from MasterChef appearing? No No Just me Okay I'll be singing downtown On the hour Every hour Every hour Your greatest hits That used to be the thing for Claire FM news I think on the hour every hour this is Claire FM it is a hard job that's the that's the radio station that your dog used to listen to Claire FM but like what a slogan like sure that's every news on the hour every hour should I have to have one like what are they going to do make another one up first with the news Mark FM first with the news and you could do the news five minutes to the hour.

1:57Denis:Five to, yeah. News. Do you know, there are some radio stations that do that, isn't there? Early news. Little bastards breaking the contract. And then a lot of them try to be like, we're giving you the news in 30 seconds. Here's the headlines. We're flying around, spin FM. I couldn't do that job. I couldn't do the headlines. I couldn't do the traffic report. The traffic report as well. I mean, I know this has been done, but absolutely useless. They still do that. Does anyone actually pay attention to it? I have never, ever known anyone to listen to the traffic report and go oh the M4's got a lot of traffic and they go I'm going to avoid the M4 now.

2:30But sure I look at my phone and I get a big red alert every morning to say the mild may line is in severe delays and off I go. I go into the station and they told me and it's usually fine. Severe delays, cancellations, plan a different route. That fucking line, sorry now to swear. Jesus Christ you're off to one today. Bad form today. Sorry to the listeners.

2:55Denis:It's been a lot going on. Did you see Robbie Williams on German TV? So, spitting, dribbling. What happened? Oh, God love him. A lot of people, which I think is entirely unfair. Yeah. He came on German TV, he came in, he was getting fixed to the microphone, and something, a mint or a bit of gum or something, fell out of his mouth onto the mic. Yeah. And then, to make matters even worse, he took it off the mic and he stuck it to his own head by accident. Oh I didn't see that bit And I stuck it to his forehead then And it was on his forehead But a couple of nasty characters Said that something fell out of his nose So this was at the World Cup?

3:34Denis:Yeah this was him commentating I think it was a polo mint Fell out of his nose Why Would Robbie Williams Be commentating on the World Cup For German people? What's happened there? I suppose you need someone in right? What's his What's his Credential Why I have a lot to say can we do the whole because I'm going to say can we do the World Cup after the break do you think yeah because I'd prefer to be cancelled in the second half because I have to talk about that half time show on Madonna which we'll talk about in the half be very careful no I'm not being careful anymore with this alright someone has to say it should that be the bonus to review the World Cup no the bonus actually do you want to talk about the bonus I want to talk about obsession oh yes very good yes I want to talk about that so pop in there be very careful I know no holds barred Mark look I need to get to it straight away right you probably hear it in my voice today yeah you were guzzling guzzling I'm lucky to be here I was nearly killed tell us nearly killed by the roommate you're lucky to be drinking anything out of that cup you could be up in A &E with me sitting by my bedside tell us hoping I die so you could become famous tell us I am telling you tell us what happened this is the lead up speed it up I have to go I walked in I walked in today Monday morning I was feeling fresh I was feeling real good I even got a little bit of work done very early I rock into my house I'd been staying at Shea Lisa for the weekend right doing jobs non-stop and I came in and the place was But this wasn't your house This was my house this morning like so I returned from staying at Lisa's Right For a couple of days The event was in your house The event was in my house Okay you're back in your house Walked in the place Spick and Span Spick and Span right God bless her my roommates Spick and Span right I walked in Greta, right, loves cleaning That's her name, right?

5:23Denis:Greta loves cleaning Oh, have we given her a fake name? I think I called her Gertrude at one point But her name is Greta Greta Greta used to make lovely cakes for us Anyway, Greta Decided that she cleaned the whole house And I was so thankful for her, it was great So you know when you come in and you're like, oh I'll make a nice little coffee for myself I'm feeling good or whatever Made a little coffee for myself and sometimes I have the I have the bad habit of making the coffee, putting it down and not drinking it for a while. Oh yeah. And it could go cold again. Stone cold. And then I might have to make it again.

5:54Denis:Right? But I like the ceremony. So I made the kettle handy enough. There was a load of water in the kettle. So that was good. Put it down. Bang. Came back in and sitting down for a little while. And I took a sip out of my coffee. And it felt like every filling in my mouth started singing. It was like metal, chemicals all over my mouth. I felt like I was having some sort of out of body experience. Oh. I don't know if you've ever tasted electricity before. Right. But that's what it tasted like. It was like putting your tongue on about 10, 9 volt batteries. And I was like, Jesus. So starting off the morning, I spat it out straight away.

6:37Denis:Yeah. Spat it out all over my clothes, all over my legs. Yeah, yeah. Near my laptop. and I was thinking, Jesus, my coffee's not going to taste like that at all. What's in it? Is this the Al Jazeera? Is it? I nearly called it the Al Jazeera. Coffee? Is that the one? It's not the Al Jazeera, no. The Nescafe? Yeah, it is, yeah. The Al Jazeera. Nescafe, Al Jazeera. Gone bad? Yeah, well, I thought it was, right? So I went up and checked the tin. I was like, that doesn't taste right. So I was like, okay, I'll have a smell of the cup. cup smelled like the inside of a like an oil tanker or something i was like what the hell is going on here then honestly mark for a moment i thought someone was trying to poison me i thought i've got enemies out there yeah you know who could it be young hot guys young the boys over to kill me who could it be yeah so i was thinking i was thinking hmm um anyway on investigation uh i had a I said, maybe it's the water in the kettle.

7:38Yeah, yeah, yeah.

7:39Denis:You know, and I smelt it, and it smelt very chemically. She washed it. I poured that down the sink, rinsed out the kettle, and then it was gone. So I messaged my roommate, I messaged Greta on WhatsApp. I said, Greta, you didn't happen to, like, do anything with the kettle, did you? Clean it out or anything? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Overnight, she had put in limescale remover into the kettle, left it there, forgot to get rid of it in the morning, Headed out to school for herself While I come home Boiled lime scale remover Yeah And then had a big gulp of it That'd really loosen it as well Yeah I have a real I have a real hankering now For lime scale But my teeth have never looked as good Jesus Yeah so I've got about Let's say halfway Tune in for the bonus episode Half an hour to live I think that's what I'm about to keel over Did you have a good sip Because it was cold was it?

8:27Denis:No it was hot It was boiling hot Chemical metal Quick sip Yeah If it was cold you could have a gulp oh yeah I could have no it was it was like everything in my body saying do not taste this this is horrendous it went in and it was wow yeah but it was great going into the kitchen any side effects so horrible indigestion visual hallucinations I'm not really sure do you know what's terrible though is when you when you text someone about something like that and like I texted Lisa and I said oh I'm just after I think I'm just after drinking some lime scale remover what was your day going you know and um she said oh shut up i'm too busy at work but then she texted me back and she said um she was like you know are you sure you're okay yeah and then that started making me think maybe i'm not maybe i'm not you ever drank any chemicals no no i think we always had a system if there was milton fluid you know what that is no it's like an old bleach or something and you just put it into things if you were maybe if you were trying to soak a few old spoons Spoons, knives and forks.

9:34Oh, yeah, yeah. To get all the old stuff off. Grit. This is like a big job when you're like really cleaning. Is this back home in Innes? Back home. Yeah. You get a big bucket and you take every knife and fork and spoon out of the house and you put them into the bucket. Out the back? It could be out the back or in the sink and then you pour in the milliton fluid. Trailing dead foxes outside. Well, you have to kind of leave a sign so you'd leave the bottle beside it. Oh, yeah, yeah. So it's an alert. or if you put it into the kettle you'd put like a an old cloth across the kettle to say something's different or maybe just leave your roommate a note or tell someone same as if you put the bleach in the toilet careful splash splash back yeah and the clothes I'd kind of leave the bottle of bleach on top of the toilet then so everyone knows Lisa does a good one

10:23Denis:what's that she goes into the toilet uses the toilet climbs in bleaches the toilet Yeah And then comes out This could happen in the morning Yeah So then when I'm walking Into the toilet She's like I'm after bleaching the toilet Yeah because you get splashed Yeah no No it's not that It's that she wants to Let it there for a while Oh don't use it But like let me bleach the toilet Do you know what I mean After you've done it Yeah Your stuff Okay Do you know I was convinced You know when you're growing up And there was all these safety videos I don't know I don't think they're actually As much anymore Because we were just Way stupider back then But you'd Instead of having maths one day they'd be like we're gonna watch this video on why you shouldn't drink chemicals over the shed yeah and then some young fella from the 70s because they never would have updated any of these videos uh would go in with his sister into a shed and they'd go oh let's drink the thing with the skull and the crossbones yeah and then the kids would be found dead at the end of it and the mother would be screaming whatever and i said don't drink chemicals in your house do we need more of those uh maybe but well no where i was going with that was that they always would say like keep your chemicals on the top shelf yeah or all your kids will be killed right I was kind of convinced that maybe my mother had watched these and kind of got a tip from it because on the bottom shelves was brass oil yeah like one with the sink yeah petrol white spirits no matter what you wanted paint remover do you know I know a lad who had two shots of white spirits oh yeah he was back to a house party in in Kerry married man now with kids went back to a house and the mother was a painter and he was destroyed and he went upstairs and a few lads came into the room with him and the mother had her painting up in the easel and whatever and so John decided to have a shot of vodka for himself but it was an old shot of white spirits and he was around raving around in the landing hallucinating.

12:18Denis:What kind of bottle? You know the one, like the one where it should have a label on it with a load of warnings the labels often get burnt off I think people take them off so you take them off and then or do you know what they'd actually do they'd put it into like a bottle of ballygone there's a lot of old farmers there's a lot of old sheds in the west of Ireland and there's a shelf full of old bottles of 7-Up and bottles of Fanta that have been repurposed for diesel plutonium My father is non-stop Cutting up Seven up bottles To be used For other things Yeah yeah And you'd be finding Bits of bottles And it'd be full of petrol and diesel And I'll claw I think it's for washing things A lot of nuts and bolts Do you know farmers wash things with diesel?

13:10Do you know this? Like you put a cloth in Does your dad wash diesel? To like wipe down things

13:16Denis:Does your dad be washing diesel? Oh they're washing the diesel No no no But to be wiping down machines and things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you just have loads of bottles of highly toxic, highly flammable. Yeah. Can we say? Highly flammable. But you've never had a drink of any of them? I don't think I ever had a sip. No. But I was thinking there about jobs. Do you know those nice jobs? When you have a full summer's day, you could be washing this, but what else could you do? You could get the brass so you could polish the knobs. Oh, yeah. Do you know when you're like off school for summer And you get given those nice jobs I wouldn't be given the jobs You're not doing jobs No I would just be wandering around Oh you didn't do jobs I was doing all the jobs I was polishing knobs that would take a day Like the breasts on the cupboards and things Do you still get time to do that I don't have any time to do that No What else could you You could paint the little bits of Kind of things around the garden Wash the windowsills Wash the windowsills That was a bad one The spiders from the winter That was a bad one And you put in the cloth And then the cloth's full of cobwebs And what'd you do then?

14:30Because it's full of cobwebs You can't get them off Fick it away Or you know

14:33Denis:You'd be getting up in the morning Be a Like a beautiful summer's day It'd be Saturday You'd be I don't know Going up to watch Smackdown Which was some of the lads Yeah And then You'd see a ladder outside Don't go out that door I've loads of jobs And your dad would be there Come on We have to do the gutters The gutters And you'd be up With the smelly old gutters You're a two story house Please stop laughing Talking about The gutters Father's gutters Have you a two story house? Yeah I do It's a long way up Yeah it's a long way up Oh wait Have you? Is it a dormer? Yeah but A dormer Why do you have all these names?

15:13Denis:A dormer Half roof It sounds like I'm doing a podcast With my mother sometimes Do you have a dormer? Do they know what that is? Yeah but the gutters are What's a dormer to the international listeners? I don't even know what a dormer is Come on It's when you have A single story house But then the roof Is Steep enough that there's Rooms in the roof And then you have those funny little windows that stick out Of the roof Oh okay Not a two story Oh right yeah yeah A dormer bungalow A dormer bungalow No I have a triangle house Facing the road? Facing the road Gable End facing the road yeah triangle house wow yeah the guy who made it ran out of money by the fourth house remember I said this before oh yeah yeah yeah we had a marble we had a marble mantelpiece inside in the house and is there but what about no the gutters are on the side of the house so it is a dormer that is a dormer no it's not it's like a dormer's big brother it has a full first story or like grow floor yeah yeah yeah and then it has the second story but the the it's in the roof yeah It's not in the roof.

16:18Denis:Have you windows... The attics are at the side. Is that a dormer? That's a dormer. Have you windows... But there's attics on the top as well. Have you windows slanted onto the... Onto the... Skylights. The roof. Skylights. Yeah, yeah. Velux Deluxe. Do I live in a dormer? Yeah. Okay, great. And you have to push them out. Yeah. And then they always swing on top of your head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it rains. And then, yeah, you go into town, you leave them open, and then you get home, and your mother starts screaming at you. And no one ever really, like, they never really worked. Skylights? That was gaps Drips No?

16:47Denis:That's a country job I lived in the town So it would have been Proper building So you're out of dormer Okay I think I live in a dormer I don't really know though We'll get a picture of it Yeah Picture and location Did you have a power washer? We got a power washer eventually What year was that? It was late on We didn't get a power washer for ages We're always borrowing it off the neighbours Millennium? Post-millennium? No we definitely got it off Someone in the boom Probably my neighbour Who was a builder at the time In the boom got a power washer and we stole it off him because they were giving them away yeah no we could buy it down a little no for a fiver but we had a power washer and I remember actually I went out and that was one job I'd love doing I'd love going out power washing because that's fun right the ground yeah but I went and I started writing things into the driveway oh yes thinking that I could just then power wash them out of it oh but I was I drew a big willy into the driveway and couldn't get rid of it and then had to like scratch it off oh so I was my power washing gone and wasn't allowed do that for a while God Be careful power washing the windowsills Goes up Goes up what?

17:49The water goes up into the window

17:52Denis:Do you know what a job I had? Come on we'll go out and pick the gooseberries Oh my lord When that announcement would be made They're awful things Do you know what I actually started doing? I started eating the berries off the bush That's very bitter Yeah I don't know what and then they'd make Oh we're after making Gems Gooseberry jam or something you know with rhubarb as well that was the only thing that gives me PTSD they pull the gooseberries are very sour and they'll be shoveling sugar they're horrendous into them making jam I never saw anyone eat the jam no one makes the jam you just put it into loads of pots and give it away to people we used to have to go down to the well there was a well down the back in Granny's Land is Granny's Land your Granny's Land or is that a town Granny's Land no down Granny's Land my granny's land oh right okay land of my grandmother because you're like oh I've got an air and B &B in granny's land this weekend it'd be nice if you've ever been to granny's land it's lovely and you'd bring buckets down and like what fucking year did you grow up 1805 what are you talking about oh the best water yeah yeah people thought it was like the best water the holy well that is true though there's cows pissing into it there's no fucking cows pissing into the well why would they bother go over pissing into the well it wasn't treated or filtered they did they did a you know they're like holy wells that are around Ireland yeah Not the ones that are like grottos that they've made, but the actual ones people would visit.

19:15Denis:So if you weren't feeling too good, if your nerves weren't too good, your nerves not well, right? Yeah. You'd go down to one of these things and then you'd have a bit of holy water and you'd bring a bottle of it and you'd drink it. And people felt better after it. I thought you're not allowed to drink the holy water because that's just... No, that's different. This is like a healing well. Okay. They're kind of different. I think there's one down in West Cork. There's loads of them, yeah. But They were like That's a load of crap Or whatever But what was happening was Was there was What's the stuff In antidepressants Potassium Oh There's a load of potassium In the water Oh And so people were drinking it And that's why That's why they're feeling better Because they're medicating Addicted Yeah Down to the holy well Swimming in it Well yeah Because there might be a stone A stone Or something It was then a mineral Or something Yeah yeah It was just whatever the water Was running through Yeah They come from all over for the water From the burn The burn Up in Clare They love the burn Because it goes through the limestone What the fuck are we talking about?

20:14Denis:Hold on a minute What did you do To all fucking pensioners What did you do And do you ever remember the times? What did you do With the two fucking buckets of water? Drink it No fluoride in it? No So you'd head a way up? Head a way up And what Keep it then in the fridge? It'd be grass and rushes Next to the bottles of diesel in the fridge Yeah And they drank it But like it's not long ago People Oh that's a mother thing It's not long ago Not long ago I was on the horse Going to school And people were happy I had to cycle 40 miles We grew up in a Like completely modern era Irish cycling I'm going to go home Sometime and just Like Record how people talk I think I might bring it back Yeah Irish cycling And you know what I'm glad we're not losing Those accents Because they're losing Those accents a bit In the UK Trying not to But they're not They're not in Ireland Which I love I do My My Full genuine Claire accent I'd never let it out here Yeah my Cork accent Is wild as well But I just cycle 40 mile They kind of Pick and choose as well I'd cycle the bike To school And the teacher Cycle at home They drop the plural Do you notice that?

21:25They don't put the S The bike Oh I'd be doing the walk The 40 bicycle Or no 40 mile Being around 40 pounds It'd be in and out It'd be 40 mile 40 mile long

21:37Denis:That must be a clear thing What's that? They don't put the S on it Can I say We can't say too much We have to take a break How long do we have? We're five minutes We're five minutes into the break Have you noticed anything About me today? Visually I have a little spot on your head I have a little spot on my head I'll tell you what That's no spot I think There might be someone Trying to take me out Yeah That was another injury What happened? Do you know what happened with that right? I have no glasses on Do you know what happened with that? I was... The cat? No, no. The cat's grand. I was going into Elisa's room, right?

22:12Denis:And I don't know if you've picked this up by now, but she's a very particular woman, right? And she has a little doorstop, and the door is constantly open on the doorstop, right? So if you take the doorstop off, you have to put the doorstop behind the door and then close the door, but the door can't be closed, you know, blah, blah, blah. So I came in, and the doorstop was off the door. So I said, I'm going to have to put the doorstop on that now, right? Now, in the morning, she likes to have, right, not a cup of tea, not a hot coffee, But a iced, go on, I said a bit of it. I was going to say a warm glass of lemon water.

22:42Denis:No, no, no. An iced latte in the morning. In the house? Yeah. What's the process for that? Well, the process is I get up and make it and then I deliver it to her. Are you foaming? She fooled me when I met her first. She said that my dad used to bring my mother a cup of tea every day. And I was like, oh, great, yeah. And then I was like, I'll bring you a cup of tea. And she's like, no, an iced latte. I was like, great. No, you're just a little foamer Banging in ice Which has to be restocked every night And then a metal straw Right, put all that in Deliver it over to her And she goes, thanks And then I had the doorstop down The glass from the latte Has a metal straw on it Pitch black room I knelt down to the doorstop Into the face Took a fucking chunk of skin out of my fucking forehead Who, the straw?

23:31Denis:The straw, yeah And she sucked it up then? She did not suck it up She wasn't even there Blood streaming down my face After making her latte You could be killed at that I could have been killed at that I could have gone into my eye I could have been dead A chunk come out of it I had to I had to blow the straw To get a piece of my head out of it Okay Will we take a break? Is it an automatic foamer? Is there a button? So there is It is It is a button And a little spinny thing? There's a little spinny thing. You have to wash that? Rinse. I wouldn't wash. Rinse is fine. You should wash. Every day. There's some moans coming from the production team over here.

24:15Denis:From the Twinks. Okay. You rinse it out. It's fine. Yeah, yeah. It's a big process. Yeah, it is. Right. We take a little break? Yeah. Okay, goodbye. Hello. If you're listening on Spotify, if you wouldn't mind to hit the button there to give us a five-star review. and follow. Thank you very much. Alright, welcome back to the second half. That was quick. Hello. I didn't actually even move. And you know what I was going to talk to you about, right? Because there's rumblings, Mark. We mentioned a bit of it last week. Is there an outbreak at Hallfest? There was I got messages from people last week.

24:53Denis:Very thankful for us bringing up the issues that the community is facing. What's after happening at Hallfest? Now for some of the listeners out there who are not familiar with Hallfest, I am saying H.O.L.E. Like W-H-O-L-E. What's going on? I think we did get a message in as well from a few people asking us if we would cover this. So do you want to cover H.O.L.E. Fest? What went on, Mark? The community gathers every year in Berlin. I know the people who run it and they work so hard to make this festival so special. It's so cool. It's like free for all, huge big outdoor thing. There's little tents everywhere.

25:41There's art. It's great. It's very queer. It's very let yourself loose.

25:45Denis:Is it called Whole Fest because of the play on words or is it because everyone's there? It's a mixture. Okay, great. Yeah, but it's just great. And these things, it's like the more, it's like us here, the more you do and the more you try everything just goes wrong falls apart so they like god love people who try to run things a festival can you imagine all the things that could go wrong running gigs one gig a comedy gig an open mic night 20 people 8 comedians knocking years off my life imagine a few thousand people camping all the things you need trying to predict when is everyone going to arrive you have to have like medical stuff on hand food, water, everything and then there was an outbreak of what?

26:44of the norovirus which is a digestive issue and they got it under control to be fair but like something like that could just sweep through. It's like when there's like an outbreak of something on a cruise ship or something. Everyone is fucking stuck together. So it's so serious. But they got it under control but it was a bit of a joke for a few days. Then there was a storm and they had to shut down a few of the stages for a minute. Then a few of the acts. I was just following it all week. I was like, Christ almighty, give him a break. It's so hard to get these things to run. Imagine being at a festival if you got a dicky tummy.

27:29Denis:You know. Oh. Oh, you know. Explosive. Explosive diarrhea. Stop. Explosive diarrhea. In the last couple of weeks. I don't think so bad, Jeff. I'd say the overall weight of the community has come down massively in the last few weeks. Oh, beautiful. Oh, beautiful. Oh, beautiful. Isn't this shocking? Mark would be delighted if he got norovirus. I think I've had it. Oh, my God. there's an awful lot of like I don't know come on risk risk when you're throwing thousands of people together if anyone has any bit of a cold or anything at all and that's the thing if you're paying all the money because we dropped the we dropped the but I do think I still think the queers are very conscious like when something is alerted people are like right what can we do to like slow this down do you know yeah but if you pay loads of money right i still people wearing masks and still see people wear masks and stuff like at queer events if they have a cold or something or because they're just a bit more conscious there might be someone who's more vulnerable or people are good but jesus christ not what you need if you pay all that money though pay all that money and then oh you're like a bit of a sore stomach stomach's kind of bit weird i'll head away i'll go oh i'll go anyway It's not for me anyway I can't do it Down the road When you crash the car I can't do the camping No Would you glamp?

29:01I don't want to do it I'd still You'd glamp with a servant Maybe would you? I'd glamp But I'd need a shower Yeah