#80 Mark dips his toes into bi-sexuality

0:01Denis:Late night bites with friends? Already hard to beat. That first too hot bite of fries you couldn't wait for, followed by ice cold Pepsi. Now that hits different. Suddenly, the energy kicks back in. The night goes longer, and the laughs don't stop. Because Pepsi brings out more flavor, more fun, and more of the moment. Food deserves Pepsi. Grab a Pepsi Zero Sugar today. This episode is brought to you by Facebook. So you were scrolling on Marketplace and there it was, the bike you'd been searching for. You sent a message and it turned out the seller was super chatty, kind of funny, and an avid cyclist.

0:41Denis:The next thing you know, you're in a cycling crew. Well, a community cycling group. The thing about Facebook, you might find more than what you're looking for. From a browse to a bike ride, this summer find more on Facebook. The Your Internet Boyfriend hotline is now open for business. You can reach us on

1:05And you can send us little texts, maybe a voice note or a saucy pic. Absolutely no saucy pics.

1:14Denis:Welcome to this week's episode of Your Internet Boyfriends. Hello, Mark T. Cox. Hello, Dennis Lenn. This week we're talking about beavers, dogs and butternut squash. And I'll be telling Dennis all about my dipping of the toe into the world of bisexuality. This show is part of the Headstuff Podcast Network. Because they're sitting on the bridge of the nose. Yeah. And they're causing a little dent on the nose. Permanent one. And it is becoming quite permanent. And I broke that nose. I just got sick of it. I have a scar on that nose because I fell over one time. How did you do that? I'm not sure.

1:57Did you do a few shandies? I'm not sure. Did I fall? How do you forget breaking your nose, Mark? I fell a few times on the face. And once was when I was small and I hit my head off a radiator or something. I can't remember which scar is from what. That's a tough one. Tough one.

2:15Denis:Do you know what I love? Huh? When people ask me, what a question to ask me. They go, did you break your nose? Oh god, did you have a nice nose? I know, and then I'll say no I didn't And I'll go, oh, interesting Are you sure? Maybe you should Can I break your nose? It's fairly straight, no? Yeah, fairly straight, I'll take that Mark, okay, right Word warning for this episode, right? I know you would like a lovely kind of Little House on the Prairie episode today, right? You just want to meander along and kind of just talk about penny sweets and milk and old women in a meadow, right? unfortunately i am coming prime today with some of the most shocking stories where have you been i was with a gaggle of women the things they were saying to me i you're just not ready for them what they're saying i don't know where to start with it give us one i don't think you're ready try one this lad went on a stag and he went off on his stag and they had a great time and then one of the nights one of the people decided wouldn't it be really funny considering he's getting married to put someone's wedding ring on his little piece.

3:22Denis:Will he? So when he's drinking mad and they put the little piece on him, put the piece on the piece. Whose wedding ring? Some other fellas. Some other fellas wedding ring. No, I know, right? You're looking at me. That, you know, wouldn't be easy for some of us. Wouldn't manage that myself. You know? You need something the size of a schlinky or something. But immediately, at this picnic table, everyone starts clucking, going mad how would you do that that's impossible blah blah blah anyway she says just let me get the story now for a second the lad puts it on then they left it on oh then it went from white to black fall off and it fell off it didn't fall off fell off Mark I don't believe it and it's gone I don't believe any story that people tell you in the pub Mark I don't believe it Mark where's the picture then She had a picture?

4:18She brought out the picture Oh no

4:20Denis:People's faces Dropped I actually Why didn't he take it off Before it fell off? Because he was Sure he was probably pissed And you know They're laughing It wouldn't fall off in a day Off he went to sleep Take a few weeks It must have fell off overnight It'd be like a tree Yeah but it It blocked the Circulation Blood She showed me the picture Mark I've never seen anything like it In my whole life How was it? It was not great It wasn't in good condition It was It was gone like imagine if it was your wedding ring I have to give that a wash and it has your names and dates on the middle of it and it's hanging around his thing John and Kate yeah but you know what else, this is sad, this is bad wedding call off his wedding, I'm sure he's no use to it I don't believe it Mark I saw it I think people like telling you stories AI, A1 no no this is like this looks like you know something taken quickly like no this this is what it was i i like the stories where you can go away and in the back of your mind you can say to yourself that's not really true it's a fun story right it's a fun story no and i know there's a lot of stag stories out there right but it's always a few people if you met the man different it's always someone someone's friend someone down well this this was a this was a friend of a friend yeah who heard us mark i i don't know what you're fighting in the sun.

5:42Denis:I saw the picture. It's easy to A1, the picture. No, this was in bits. This thing was in bits. It was circulation gone. Why do fellas on stag parties always end up playing with their willies? I don't know. I don't know. I think there might be some lads who might be peeking out of the closet. They love taking their clothes off. They get very gay. Do you know what we'll do? Let's all smack our willies in his face. isn't that funny? Well we have a big suck off just for a laugh. Why did they do that? I don't know. To be honest, do you think they'd because the stags I've been on haven't been that haven't been that gay.

6:26Denis:But then there was one point, I'll tell you, sorry should I save this for the bonus episode? Teasers? Well it was one time everyone thought it'd be a big laugh if everyone was just naked. Yeah. No I think we were tricked. Why? I think we were tricked Who orchestrated that? Well he's a married man I know it about three kids But that's never Stopped him before We all thought It would be hilarious Now looking back on that Why was that funny? That's not funny Bit of a want there You could just do that You don't need to Make a big joke And a game of it You could just say Hey lads Do you want to come over And just hang out And take your clothes off You don't have to pretend It's a joke It'd be hard to put that Into the WhatsApp group though And probably get a good Reception from it Do you want to hear the butternut squash story or do you want to go on to something else different?

7:13Denis:Where did that go? Lad came in. Fella was a pilot. Bent over with pains. Came into the hospital. Yeah. Nurses are used to it. Nurse says, is there anything you want to tell me? Totally okay. What have you done? Just tell us. What have you done? Said there's nothing wrong. I don't know what it could be. Oops. Does the x-ray. Butternut squash. That is... It's big. And do you know what he told her? He said he fell in the vegetable garden. That's some fall. He won't be falling for a while, like. Especially the last bit. It's very wide. But you see, it depends, right? Maybe you just go for that first.

7:52Jesus Christ. Isn't that mad? Can you imagine working in a hospital? But then he couldn't be a pilot anymore. Can't sit.

7:58Denis:Wrecked him. No, like properly wrecked him. Fuck off. Yeah. I don't believe that either. Look, whatever. Where's the photo of that? I don't want the photo of that. No. She had it. the x-rays were sent on to her no I think we're revealing something here the fake news whatsapp absolutely not no it's 100 % true the whatsapp fake news heterosexual community I still haven't told you the the big story which one I can't tell you three of these stories in a row get it out of the way I can't but these women are drunk yeah but they were and you're drunk they didn't give a shit I wasn't drunk they didn't give a shit okay how about this This is a story that comes from the girl who went on this date.

8:43Denis:It's coming from her first-hand account. She could be telling lies. She's not telling lies because everyone knows about it. And they also brought up the WhatsApp group at the time it was happening. Okay. As backup. I mean, come on. Eyewitness accounts backed up at the table, plus the WhatsApp group going through. What happened? She goes on a date with a fella. Gorgeous-looking lad. And they meet up. And on the first date, he has a dog with him. and he hands her over the dog and the dog has got days to live. Oh. The dog is not looking well. I think that is a wild move to bring a dog to a first date that's on the way out anyway.

9:19Yeah.

9:19Denis:Bringing a dog to a first date can be, you know, a bit of an icebreaker maybe. One that needs urgent medical care? Maybe not. Then do you know what he starts doing? Starts taking pictures of her with the dog. Is that not wild? This is not the wild part of the story but I thought that was wild. Yeah. You're on a first date you start taking pictures of the dog. you don't believe this one either she goes into work after a lovely date that was the first date she gets texts from the lad he's very upset not looking good for the old pooch right he's on the way out but he has to go to work so dog will be there on its own so she says i'll mind the dog now she is a high-flying businesswoman yeah right the boss everyone in the office knows that she's single guy rocks in with a dog who's in bits gives her the dog she walks around with the dog in the office does meetings with the dog he's getting updates throughout the day how's the dog she's going dog doesn't look great but I'm minding him he's lovely sending back photos he's like you're the best Mark dead R.I.P.

10:14Denis:the dog in the office in the office the board meeting in the office right in the Zoom so she's like how am I going to tell him lad rocks in he's after bacon or an apple crumble to say thanks for minding the dog he hands her an apple crumble she adds him a dead dog in a bag or in a just say just ended it over hard to bounce back from that not easy at the beginning of a relationship not easy oh you like this told them about you showed them you and they said oh he's very good looking this is happening a lot do you like that there's a few women am I bisexual I haven't told you this but I've had this discussion with people like with women and they do agree that like if you were a straight man you would be very delectable and i think yeah we've discussed this before but you do have that kind of like mask father energy am i missing out on something what you've said you liked it no but like do i need to complicate my life no to be honest it would complicate my fucking life way more it would complicate my life way more i've had a bit i did uh be careful now did you dabble i did a corporate event and word got back to me that one of the women an ally was inquiring after i had spent two hours giving a queer history walking tour.

11:35Denis:I'll tell you, women love an unavailable man. So you do have, does straight women fancy it? Oh god, please. Now, I ran into a bit of trouble that I've never run into before, but unfortunately it's just the hazards of doing this podcast. Yeah. So when I was introducing the podcast to a table full of women, I may have defended myself, and I say defend lightly, but I may have defended myself and to find my role on the podcast a little too much in saying that I was straight. I think I said it maybe five times. I know. And then everyone at the table thought I was gay. I remember myself saying straight maybe the fourth time and then thinking to myself, as I was walking into the bar, I was like, you defended that too much.

12:15Denis:I know. They all think you're gay. What straight man goes around saying he's straight? Yeah, but I'd also talked about the gay speed dating and what we did. To be fair. And that I was there and stuff. and like Lisa's sitting at the table. And all your friends are gays now. I guarantee after we left, they were all going, that guy's... Does he have something to say? He's got a couple of unresolved things going on there. I'd say if you were gay, you'd be gay. This is what I keep telling everybody. Like, it's the same with my close friend, Paul Meskel. People love to think that he might be gay. If he is?

12:47If he is, he'd be gay. Good for you, Paul, but he doesn't give me gay vibes. No, not, they just fancy him. like he's a progressive modern man with a nice family and good friends around him and if he was he would do you not think there's still people who are in relationships that are gay that

13:04Denis:come on there surely is is that not a a tale as old as time it is but like there's no reason they would be hiding if they were they were there's people listening to this or but is that not the whole point of it like they're being a thing of coming out i'm just trying to prevent you from being mauled. Oh. I think what's happened here, Mark, is you're a little bit tired. I've been talked into a hole. Have I? Wouldn't be the first time. Well. Oh. They're not gonna like it. We've been talked into a hole. Basically what you're saying is, get over it. I'm saying, stop the fantasizing. I'm sure we'll have no podcast if they stop fantasizing, Mark.

13:48But maybe I'm getting it now. at the fantasizing of me being bisexual. I think that's great. I love that. That's a lot of pressure. Because again, if I was, I would be.

13:58Denis:Who's to say you would be? Who's to say I'm not? There's a lot of people that, you know, could be a woman in a heterosexual relationship for a long time, and in the back of her head she's like, do you know, I've always wanted to explore with other women. Yeah. That's a very common occurrence. That's true. Is this the next, are we going to swap places? The next chapter? I'm fine on my side. the attention is lovely but I'm fine about yourself probably a little bit probably I would say do you have a little bit more fluidity is this what's this episode 80 episode 81 Mark turns bisexual is that what's happened I'm telling you they'd lose it I don't think the gays are like it they'd be furious I think they'd be very mad oh plus or would they love it should I do it for the brand I think the problem would be is that a lot of people would be annoyed now that just by the numbers there would be less of a chance to get with marty cops they're losing half yeah i hear the numbers game plus i don't want to have that sort of competition in my life even though i'm in in a happy a happily coupled up relationship i don't want you let loose in my heterosexual world yeah it would be like someone coming in from a portal i do well i'd say You do very well.

15:16Denis:That'd be the problem. But I don't think they'd realize how crafty you are. You would. There would be hearts broken up and down London. That's right. Because you say the right thing and you'd agree with them. Imagine this for a combination, right? They fancy you. You tell them all the right things about men and what they're doing wrong. You do all the things they want right about men. Yeah. And then fuck off. And fuck off. Could I do a press release? should I do it could I be the cover of Attitude magazine yeah you've only six chances would it do good for the figures your internet boyfriends oh I can't tell if you're might be a bit of contemplation delirious or you're gonna have a lot of hearts to break well it's 2026 shake it up open your mind I'm specifically talking about you I think that you would the heterosexual world wouldn't be ready for Mark T.

16:11Denis:Cox the poor girls would be they'd be loved up and I think you'd lose your charm as well you'd lose your charm after a while because you can get away with it with the gays because you're all running around the place mad right on line bikes and stuff but if you did it on the other side oh you'd be you'd be a yeah be a nasty piece of work you'd you'd get a name a pig let's have a name anyway stay away from that Mark T Cox should be all the same should treat everyone nicely unwrapped unravel that for me there you should treat everyone nicely what does that mean though you should be treating women extra nice you should be treating everyone extra nice you shouldn't be saying the gays can take a bit of bad behavior you should be treating but also you shouldn't be babying and like tiptoeing around women do you know what I mean you should be able to you should be able to treat them like shit you should treat everyone the same like shit or nice that's true so you're saying that if you treat if you wanted to treat them like shit but you treat everyone like shit at least you're not sexist treat everyone the same treat everyone nicely he treats everyone like shit but he's not a sexist but also not not babying and not like tiptoeing sure women love riding too could you imagine the crew we'd have then imagine the crew in the team imagine the crew we'd have gather up a few oh god and what are we missing who do we need I'd say we could probably we could get a financier the air.

17:39Denis:Yeah, I'd say we're okay, you know, for white men with mustaches. That's right. We're probably at the limit of that, I'd say. Yeah, we could do with a bit of variety. Yeah, I think we're bad. We get a nice old man with loads of money. That would be great. Any of those? I am happy, I'll say it right now, and Lisa will support this, I am happy to have a non-sexual relationship with a multi-millionaire, and I will go to dinner with you in London. Fine. If you finance this podcast. Fine. Is that cool? Once a week? I could definitely go once a week. Depends on where you're taking me. Would you go to a theater show?

18:16Yeah, I'd go to a theater, yeah. You'd be seen. That's fine. I don't mind that. You'd be his pretty boy.

18:21Denis:Yeah, that's fine. You'd have to dress up nice and smile. Yeah, I dress up great. Thanks, Daddy. But I want to be funded a little bit for that, too. Thanks, Jada. Yeah. You'll see me head to toe and fix. And he'd buy you sweets? No. No.

18:36Denis:Sorry. don't tell me that's a thing did you did you just start living out that fantasy he'd bring you to the theatre who the fuck buy sweets he'd bring you to the theatre buy sweets popcorn and sweets are two completely different things yeah popcorn nah he can't buy me a drink he can buy me a drink and you say thanks Ted I'm not saying that either go down Regent Street Martin if his name is Martin he's been called Martin but yeah we can go to exhibitions anything you want he could bring you into cause yeah try it on i'll leave the dressing room thing open a little bit and he'd say anything you want have a look in credit cards take it yeah bang and something for your friend mark you're very for your friend mark mostly i don't i i have to say it has to finance the podcast that would be the the actual main motivation of it it's not really like the clothes and stuff are a bonus are almost an expectation as in like me doing this is a huge uh it's like a shiny sticker in in a what about a day at the spa depends hotel spa yeah fluffy towels yeah but he can't be bollock naked okay I'd say the spa is out I think it's more theatre dinner what about he could bring you and teach you how to play golf they like doing that that can happen yeah they like teaching you things I need someone to teach me how to drive oh he'd love that yeah because I can I can do the rest of it and then hand on the Thai.

20:05Denis:Driving along. From behind the, like doing the driving thing? What are you driving? Oh, driving the golf? Driving the golf car. Driving a car, I thought. Hello, if you're listening on Spotify, if you wouldn't mind to, hit the button there to give us a five star review and follow. Thank you very much. Welcome back. Tell him, tell him you're dead. I am dead. Tell him you're dead. I am a bit dead. I feel bad. Why? Just been going. We give these people everything, Mark. I've not had a day off since, let's say, June. You're heading off on your holiday soon, though. I can't wait. I'm going to Tokyo for two weeks.

20:48I need it. That's the best thing in the world. But that's gotten busy now. What do you mean? There's stuff to do over there. You're not doing a show over there, are you? I'm not doing a show. I nearly did a show. Don't do a show.

21:01Denis:I love doing a show. but just have a holiday allow yourself to have a holiday but the Japanese would love a show I'd say they must who are you going with I'm going it's all upside down Donald is going our friend is going we're all flying in different times overlapping crossing over you and Donald walking through Tokyo that's a show that's that is an anime yeah that's what that is the two of you walking through i mean you going into some places there oh that's a show you'll be king of the castle that's a show you're gonna get your break then yeah there's just a few bits here as an exhibition we have to go see tokyo soho house that's a mouthful tokyo soho house um which he designed from scratch by hand built the whole thing.

22:01I was there about four years ago when it was a construction site. So I have to go back and look at that and swan around. Will you be treated like VIPs? I hope so. You fucking better be. I don't know. I hope so. So that'll be nice. And then he has an exhibition. So I have to go do a look at that. I think there's an event. There's a do. That's fine.

22:25Denis:I don't mind going to do an event. There'll be a bit of networking. Don't mind going to do an event. That's fine. and then I have a problem I have a lot of friends in Tokyo and I don't know if I'll just do you know what you do this is the best thing you can do a tip for everyone out there you say I am here at this time Friday night I'm arriving at 8 o 'clock I would love to see you all I will be there till 11 o 'clock or whatever come say hi instead of organizing a coffee with everyone. I always say this to Lisa, right? And like, no shade to any of the people that we meet. Right? You're all lovely.

23:08Denis:But at the same time, you can't, these people are meeting you and you are the only person they're meeting for coffee that week. You're meeting 17 people for coffee that week. Yeah, yeah. Do you know? I could, I would go to my favorite bar. It's called King Bar. It's in Shinjuku. and I could go there on a Friday night and probably meet most of the gays they'd all be around throw a party for yourself I might throw a party for myself and say I've arrived the Mark T. Cox international arrival yeah I'd say konnichiwa do we have any fans in Tokyo yeah the figures yeah we have listeners alright well then you're gonna have to meet them probably shall I do like an influencer what do they call that like a drop oh yeah you say I'm here and then Oxford Street is rammed with people and then no one shows up he loads people three twunks running down the street at you yeah there's twunky bars in Tokyo there's muscle bars in Tokyo oh is this where the women lift you up no no big muscly men you can go and rub them you can go to cafes where the women carry you around the place oh yeah have you seen those no no big beefcakes big beefy women like like unbelievably strong yeah and muscly and they come in and they lift you around and put you into the chairs and stuff yeah that'd be nice you should do that I'd love that yeah you should do that yeah there's ones there's something for everyone in Tokyo it's so big do you know how many people live in Tokyo do you want me to guess like I'll actually try and guess how many people live in London uh 10 million yeah or it's Tokyo okay so it's more condensed so I'm gonna go 12 million?

24:58Denis:38 million oh fuck isn't that many? we're so ignorant like it's so big what do you mean we're so ignorant? what do you mean we're so ignorant? like we don't we think we're so important here and then you go to Asia and it's massive yeah like there's cities there in China three times the size of London massive huge vast places that we don't even know the names of Tis no Cork Tis no Cork Tis no Cork When he's in Cork Half a million Yeah probably Imagine if you had 38 million Cork people Yeah Crammed into one spot Oh my god I think it'd be You know the noise That a fridge makes Yeah It'd be that Constantly in the atmosphere Because of the constant Yapping and talking That would happen No the Japanese are quiet I love it You need to be quiet If it's 38 million That's how it works No one's shouting You couldn't put 38 million people from Cork together Shouting It'd be unbelievable Imagine trying to tell a story in Cork In Corkio that's 38 million Yeah It'd be painful There'd be some man butting in Mark I want you to go on a trip with me right So people are giving out There is a little bit of giving out They say I'm off doing all the trips with you So I go into the gay world But you need to come into my world What is that about Imagine if that was my reaction to your world where am i going a pub quiz a fucking darts no not darts though i am quite good at darts and i'm good at a pub quiz but no i want you to come see some beavers some who beavers where i want you to come see some beavers with me in london where are they they're in london in the river there's three big beavers that I want you to come see with me in London.

26:49Denis:Where can I see them? Near a tube station. Where could it be? Richmond? No. In the river? It's... Beavers? Yeah. Animals? I don't think you know this about me. My favourite thing in the whole world is beavers. In the water? Yeah. Building the dam. The Dutch? Building the dams. I was... Are they Dutch? No, it's really... Dutch? Sorry. Aren't they Dutch? Dutch?

27:16Denis:What are you talking about? No. Did I ever tell you about beavers before, no? On this podcast. Did I tell you about the... I'll tell you a story about the beavers in Holland. I don't know how I met one. In the Netherlands. I've never seen one. Never seen a beaver in my whole life. Right. There's a 30 kg beaver in London. Oh. Anyway, there was a lad in Netherlands. Yeah. And he got stoned once, right? To paraphrase, he got stoned when he was about 1920. And he read that there used to be loads of beavers in the Netherlands. Yeah. So he said, hmm, what if I just brought a load of beavers here and see if we'd get the beavers back?

27:49So then he drove to Germany and he put a couple of beavers into his boot.