#83 Does it really taste like avocado?

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0:45Denis:Hey Mark, what are you doing on the 1st of October? Oh Dennis Len, I'll be at the Roses of El Gabalos. Oh my God, I'll be there too, because we're doing a live podcast. Live podcast. No, they'd want to get their tickets fairly quickly. Where is it on? It's on the roses of El Gabalus Very good Yeah I got there Tickets are flying It's a hot sexy queer clubhouse in Dalston By the time you hear this it might be sold out But if it's not it's only£15 You can get your ticket on yourinternetboyfriends.com And also on the night Not only do you get to ask us questions Not only do you have to hear stuff you'll never hear anywhere else But you'll be able to get a little boyfriend cocktail as well You can order one of those Oh 1st of October see you there Welcome to this week's episode of Your Internet Boyfriends.

1:29Denis:Hello, Mark T. Cox. Hello, Dennis Lenn. This week we're talking about no fizzy, strong black coffee and the Turkish party bus. And I'll be describing for Dennis the unique taste for freshly washed avocado. This show is part of the Headstuff Podcast Network. Come on, Mark, we're back for another episode. Here we are. Do you know what I had a packet of yesterday? You'd like these? Fizzy meerkats. who are they aren't they nice isn't that nice I don't know them little classic cinema treat it seems how do they look they look like meerkats they look like long meerkats long jellies little bit of sour on them yellow on the top pink on the bottom I think there might be different flavours but it was dark so I can't really tell what kind of cinema fancy Prince Charles big up the Prince Charles vintagey yeah love that you'll find me in there every week what do you see I saw 2001 A Space Odyssey Stan and the Cubes Don't say What's wrong with that?

2:31No, it's lovely What's wrong with that? I don't know Have you seen it?

2:35Denis:What happens? They go to space They go to space, yeah Big baby at the end of it Floats across the screen No No? It's a bit mad like They sent a baby to space In no sense, yeah It's trying to be all babies Okay, what was that, a date? That was a little date, yeah That's nice A little night time date But we got fizzy meerkats And they were fucking delicious I love How much were they? Ah about 40 pounds Yeah But I like supporting Prince Charles Because you know You're not giving it to like You know Big Whopper cinemas Or whatever It's like You give it to Prince Charles They were great Yeah Go and see Heat in September October Same place Same place yeah You like it Yeah If you're downstairs Screen one There's a dip So you're actually You're actually looking up At the screen Oh Yeah So Us as tall people even though people don't believe that we're tall for some reason.

3:26Denis:You have to lie back. You have to kind of scrunch down a little bit. Lie back in the seat. Lie back, yeah. Do you get, you wouldn't be as tall as me now, but you're quite tall. What do you think is the difference? Do you get subconscious, subconscious, self-conscious in a crowd or in a cinema? Not in a crowd. In a crowd I'm shoulders back straight through, but last night in the cinema I did. And there was a... You're blocking. I'm a bit of a cinema guy when it comes to this stuff, you know, so I'd be able to talk a little bit of Kubrick, but there's a few people behind me and they were the Kubrick fanboys, and I was definitely blocking half.

4:03Denis:Stanley Kubrick directed the film, but I was blocking probably half their screen. So I did feel a bit bad, but then I got used to it and just became selfish. A lot of those old cinemas, they're not very slanted. Like I said, it slants up, so you can actually comfortably sit at the front because there's a gap as well at the front. Anyway, that's what I did. I went to the cinema and it was lovely. And I had fizzy meerkats. I might try them. Yeah, I think you'd like fizzy meerkats. I tried, I gave up the fizzy sweets. Did you? Oh my God, do you know about no fizzy drink for me today? What? Do you know this man?

4:38No. Do you know this man? He's a TikTok sensation. Okay. I think he's in India, maybe, South Asia, and he started, he was an overweight man. And so he started his new weight loss journey. And he said, he made a little TikTok and he said, day one, no fizzy drink for me today. Right. Day two, no fizzy drink for me today. Now he's on day 2250 or something. How's he getting on? No fizzy drink for me today. And it's become his, he's a celebrity. he has 100 ,000 followers he just and how is he looking? he looks great he was big so he looks great dropped a bit and he's a nice man and he seems very sweet and now he's like what do you call that?

5:32Denis:how do you fucking know any of this about him? he seems nice he just says no fizzy drink for me he says no fizzy drink and you're imprinting oh he could be a monster no I think he's nice but he's like a catchphrase celeb so you can book a cameo you know no fizzy drink for me Happy birthday Dennis No fizzy drink for me today Would you be happy with that? I fucking love it I love him I love people with the thing That they stick with it For years and years Do you know Strong Black Coffee? No Best drink of the day Catherine What's her name? Catherine something She's What'll I say? She's She's maybe in her 40s Like yeah I don't know what age she is But she's Is her age important It is important Because she's presenting As a sexual woman Of a Slightly later A mature A mama Okay And She has a large chest Right I think you'd like her And she wears small Brasiers Right And nice dresses And bits and pieces Is she Irish?

6:47No, she's English. Okay. She's real English. Like, do you know what I mean? She's just a nice English woman. And she does a TikTok every day. And she says, strong black coffee. Best drink of the day. And every single day. And that's it? That's it. And she wears a different outfit. She wouldn't wear many jumpers. Strong black coffee. Best drink of the day. and then tomorrow maybe a little leather piece strong black coffee best drink of the day maybe you could get something going like that I think I need it but I wouldn't have the patience to stick with it you have to get a phrase I don't know when they realise oh this is working I'm going to stick with this I'm sure it's a lottery right and then over and over but then I found she has another platform no dress no dress at all so this is a way of getting isn't that clever a way of engagement and you have all these dirty old men and myself yeah watching the videos about the strong black coffee and then seeing the big melons and then you can go over here and watch best drink of the day

8:10Denis:that's good that's great fair juice to them what's your favourite like word for like substitute word for anything I like melons I think that's a great word for tatas? yeah I like tatas I like tatas yeah that's fun what else should we name all the words? jugs, titties jugs jugs I don't like jugs sometimes they are jugs you know when they're like wow you know yeah i know but jugs sounds i don't know like i've it's a swing it's strange when a man says drugs you don't like that you don't really like salamis oh small no no i really wish you understood what this was so i wouldn't have to explain it salamis are like you know you know salami the slice of salami yeah you know salami yeah so salami then would be the the like kind of areolas yes that area salamis goodness some people don't have them yeah they don't yeah they don't and they don't need them another one a really good one I have no idea the origin of this and I really hope that you've heard this Nimnas never heard it I really have no idea whether or not it's one of those things maybe the origin is my friend group I'm not sure Nimnas and then I shouldn't say this so Nimnas is Nimnas right now look we were young right we were young we're naive we're crazy right yeah what about boobies I don't like boobies I think boobies sounds weird I think boobies is boobies like it's like infant infantilises the English love saying tits tits oh yeah they love it um that was your own tits tits tits is a tits is a strong word though isn't it strong word you know nice you can't say oh lovely tits or nice tits or hard to say it respectfully it is very hard on the street I don't I don't think I refer to them as anything.

10:13Okay. Do you know?

10:14Denis:Do you refer to stuff? Talking about it? Yeah. Yeah. I think you just follow the other person. What are they saying? Use those words. Okay, fair, yeah. Use the words they use. At the same time, if she said to me, do you like my jugs? I wouldn't. I probably wouldn't use jugs back in her. God. It's a nice set of jugs you got. Like, it's just. A set. I think it would be a set of jokes Juggsy Juggsy Malone is a good name Get out of it Here comes Juggsy Malone That's a great thing to say How do I talk about the fizzy? Oh the fizzy sweets Fizzy meerkats yeah Okay no fizzy drink for me today I give up the fizzy sweets I really tried I've really tried Did I know you as a sweet person?

11:01I love Timefastics? Yeah yeah yeah I'd often have them at the reachable. On the bedside locker.

11:12Denis:Mark, I have to talk about something important. It was brought up beforehand in an all-staff meeting that was had here. Someone felt very strongly about it, and I also want to put the two feet in on this as well. I was wandering around TK Maxx the other day, looking at autumnal Halloween gifts. Are they in? Oh, I love it. I can't wait. So I wanted to burn some time. I was smelling candles that smelled like urinal cakes were horrendous. and I was walking along and it was a bit smelly in there oh a whiff thank god the candles were around and I was on the tube a bit smelly in there as well now we're experiencing our 25th heatwave in the UK there's a hose pipe ban which might have something to do with it but there's no shower ban there's no ban of deodorant you can wash yourself you can get a little wet wipe do what you need to do but this must be lingering this has to be stale must be left there now there's some people some unfortunates I'm not aiming this at you I'm aiming this at the people with the choice I think it's getting a bit smelly out there Mark you cannot I'm sorry cannot walk out the door of the house in the summer without having a shower I'm saying it in the morning I don't care if you had a bath last night you're a pig in the bed you have to wash it am I wrong?

12:43wash it

12:45Denis:what the fuck does that have to do with it? wash all of you everything is sweaty and gross yeah you have to wash it I agree I think the night time before bed shower people we're not living in that climate anymore we don't live in that in the morning. We're in sub-Saharan Britain now. Three minutes. Rinse it down. Out the door. Lovely. Totally. Deodorant. Ample amounts. Deodorant. Another problem. Strong. I am. Deodorant. I'm an environmentalist. Right. But I think if we create a small hole in the ozone layer by bringing back CFCs and forcing everyone to use proper deodorant, I can maybe get behind that.

13:29Denis:Where's my handbag? I have four cans of deodorant all times. One in my work bag, one in my social bag, one in my drawer in the bedroom, and then I have a spare in the other room. There's no excuse. But I think people are using, like, you know, leaves and stuff and fucking mud deodorant and whatever. I have Sure for men 55 hour Right guard Pure plus protection Block your pores And it hurts When I spray it And it's the only way I'm sweaty Yeah You have to Yeah you do And I shower three times a day Pretty much every day How you on three times a day? Every morning With no ride in the day How many showers?

14:18Denis:Oh Immediately after the ride No but with no ride in the day How many Three days Three times Three So No question You could be having six showers a day I could have. How many rides? Before the ride, too. Although some people don't like that. They say, do you know what someone said? Who said this? That it can taste like an avocado. Ah, Mark, I give up. If it's too clean. Gone. What? You think about that? I thought it meant, I thought, I thought you meant it could taste like an avocado because you didn't have a shower. No, if it's too clean. No, but it tastes. Oh, for fuck's sake. That's a problem.

14:54Denis:I don't want to fucking taste. That's a problem. That is a problem Do you know the taste of an avocado? Can you taste that? I can taste it Can you close your eyes and think of that? I can taste it, yeah You feel it on your tongue? On your tongue? So, open the bar Wait, no, no, no, no No, I'm going to go through the No, I want to go back Who the fuck said that? Who said that? Who? Is that a consensus? Do people want to I've heard that a few times, yeah Do people want a bit of salt on their chicken leg? Absolutely, yeah Oh my lord Maybe half an hour even Just so it's not like you know kind of the kettle's not just boiled tea tree and mint oh right okay you want you want up in the morning absolutely no question you have to wash it I would often have an evening event so there's a six o 'clock seven o 'clock window there I'd have to get home drop the bag wash it change the blouse why do you keep saying wash it?

15:47the body the body

15:49Denis:change the blouse just washing it sticking it in the shower heading off Do you ever do that? Into the sink. Do you ever wash it in the sink? Yeah. It's polite. If you go to a guest, if you pop into a visitor, as a visitor, Do you go into the bathroom? Yeah, absolutely. A quick rinse. It's nice. It's polite. Aren't you blessed? There's some people who don't have that option, you know, Mark. Yeah, they wouldn't reach the tap. Splash. And then, I always like to shower before bed. Ah, it feels lovely. Keeps the bed nice and tidy and clean. you feel clean you sleep nice and then you're yeah I do agree with that yeah but I was at home the other day and or whenever where am I still in Japan I'm a ghost come on in here whenever I was and I didn't wash it and I started the risk is if I get up and start doing any kind of job or if I'm working from home there's a risk I'll delay it and I'll say well actually we're getting close now to the 6 o 'clock wash maybe I'll hold on do you know I won't bother and I'll skip it if I'm not going anywhere and there's no one coming in so I got up and I sat down and I started doing jobs on the couch and I was on my laptop and I was do you know when you're really battering out all the the admin I was firing off invoices I was really really and I was like I can smell myself you were fermenting on the couch I was disgusting there'll be fucking some lads listening to this falling off their fucking chairs like you know when you're wet all over like you're sweating Jesus Christ.

17:24You know that? This is the first half, Mark. Yeah. Behind the knees. I. Disgusting.

17:30Denis:The back of my neck. That's the worst. I have shirts there. They're like destroyed. I can't wash them. Like I'm sweating so much. It's like you've been to a wedding, but you just walked down the street. Very bad. But on to that, right? You're taking 50 showers a day. Fair juice to you. Some people out there taking no showers. Really not. Yeah. Come on. And I think maybe we should be able to just tell people. You're smelly. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Is it the people or is it the clothes? I have to wash. I kind of wear. I've been wearing this shirt for six months. But I wouldn't really wear a t-shirt more than once.

18:17Denis:It depends, doesn't it? I don't wear a t-shirt more than once. but Lisa gets on my back for that. She says that I just don't, I could wear three t-shirts in a day. Yeah, because they're wet. It's not even a sweat thing, it's just like I could just be you know, in the morning I'm in a different frame of mind I might pop into town with a different frame of mind and then I come back with a different frame of mind, right? Yeah. So it could be three different t-shirts. But I don't wear them the next day. But I wouldn't be taking off a t-shirt that I wore all day sweating and hang it up and wear it again in three weeks time Yeah Pig And then I work my way down Over the week To the worst t-shirts I have Yeah And then I'm wearing Like belly tops on Friday Oh That were formerly large t-shirts That have been shrunk in the wash so much Yeah Do you do your washing at the weekend?

19:05Denis:I do my washing when I run out of clothes Yeah yeah To be quite honest I do all the time So you're probably doing it Every half an hour Yeah so wash it Yeah People in London Especially in the UK now that we're in an awful state. Yeah, still. It's fucking Antelope in Heights Park. Like, have another watch for yourself. Do you have anything to tell me before I take aim at the gays again? I have a few things to tell you. I have two things to tell you. First of all, I've been living a secret life and I need to reveal it to the listeners. Go on. I have had a secret life. I've had a secret corporate life.

19:41Oh, you have, yeah. For the last year, which I didn't tell anyone about. But it's over now, so I can tell you. I won't say what it was of where it was and some of them won't give you any information whatsoever because some of them are listening which is funny are they? my ex-colleagues have been tuning in for how long? I'd say for a while oh really? so hello but interesting now I'm back into like scattered freelance life kind of juggling hustling it's fun because I had loads of things going on that I was like delaying and wasn't able to do them and whatever so so the pulling and dragging is about to ramp up even more keyboard in the Uber XLs keyboard in the Uber XLs gigs, maybe a few more bits a few more gigs I love to just go from extreme because this time last year I was telling myself I want to tidy up the gigs and have a more mature life and have a proper job and get paid and have a nice salary and then I did that and now I'm just going to fuck it all up again for myself.

20:49A bit of a pendulum. A bit of excitement, yeah. I think

20:53Denis:maybe like a kind of a halfway. Like as in, what do you call it, like not efficient, but like focused energy. I'd love a little job if I could be an advisor on some kind of a cultural board and do nothing. Yeah. But get a big chunk of money every month. My mother used to work in a shop. Did I tell you that? I'd work in a shop But she used to work in a shop Did I tell you about the shop? What kind of shop? The lamp shop Selling lamps? Yeah I love that Do you know what she got paid in? Lamps Lamps Took no money Just would take lamps off the shelves Just like doing it Because there was a young couple That opened up the shop She went in there one day Talking to them Got a job Because she's like that And then When they went to pay her She was like No I'll just take a couple of lamps Our house was full of lamps That's where I got half of these Like I swear They was full of lamps My dad was going crazy Is she no she no she no PRSI no pension no she doesn't care just for fun yeah loads of money is your dad working in the post office keeping the whole place afloat oh good job yeah union good job so that's done what else do I want to say I got the pacemaker checked oh for any new listeners I have a device I'm going to hook it up now to the Bluetooth we'll see what happens oh my lord can you imagine don't click it off off they can do that who can do that remotely technicians not remotely but I have for the new listeners we talked about this last year but my heart's my heart's broke my heart's broke the irony of it yeah hearts broke all over London hearts broke so I have a robot in my under my breast and it keeps an eye on it under your jugs under my jugs and it keeps an eye but I have to go and get a checked once a year they can actually remotely check it isn't that mad that's so weird I have a thing at home and I just like tap it on and they get the the news what so are they is it loading into your phone and into them or something no it's like a little machine oh wow and I just tap and then the news goes off to the hospital the news like oh he's still alive isn't that great but my battery's running out so they said I have two and a half years.

23:17That's it. That's it. Gone. I'm going to run out. So they've changed my batteries. Not now. Maybe like.

23:23Denis:How big of a job is that? Big enough job. Not. Not. Not severe. I'll probably have to take a week off. I could sit down here. I could sit down here and talk. Take out my batteries and then I have a wire that's cracked. She said. Do you know like the wire in your phone if you're charging the phone. Yeah a loose board. there's kind of a bit of a loose there's a thing but it's grand she said it's okay she's okay she was from Ireland she was all chat yeah big chat and the other she's like they're not really I don't know what they are they're like engineers they're not they're medical people but they're also like robot people and then she had another fella and he I could see him rolling his eyes as soon as she said are you from Ireland he was like this fucking happens every time and where are you from now a big chat sure she was lovely but yeah they have to change my batteries and pull it out.

24:15But the report came up again. The report prints out of the activities. Lots of heart rate peaks at about 1am I'd say. Around half 9, 10. Half 10 and a half. But nothing Clean bill of health? Yeah, it's still going. Isn't it magic? It is pretty much like space age technology.

24:37Denis:And in two and a half years you're going to have to get it out? Maybe in a year. Do you know when you're falling? I would run out. You know, your phone battery says 10%. You wouldn't chance it. If I know anything about you, though, Mark. I chance it? I'd say you chance it, yeah. I have to go see the man next year and he'll decide. Pop it in. Maybe you can get a better one, though. One that'll last even longer. Well, they have magic ones now that just last forever. Wow. If they think... They have to weigh up... Could they not recharge off you? Like, put a little fucking solar plate in the back of your head or something?

25:07Denis:Yeah. No, but you know what I mean? Like, can they charge off your own body energy or something? Wouldn't that be cool? There must be a way. get their shit together reinvent that we could do from my motion from your motion yeah thrusting like a dynamo on a bike sure non-stop but I have to take out that wire now that's a nuisance there's a wire in through my what's that called archery oh shit into the middle of your heart so I have to take that out which sounds well I don't have to do it someone someone will do it isn't that mad that is nuts and they put a new one in we'll do a live podcast I'd love to watch it will you live podcast in the hospital bed when you're waking up oh I'm awake oh Christ I was awake first it's not that dramatic oh okay yeah I was awake and they were pulling and tearing but that's that but there's new ones now that are like the whole thing is kind of like a little bullet and the whole thing goes into your heart so instead of a battery and a wire whole job because the wire has like a little spark at the end of it and it shocks you when you need to not die.

26:11But now they can have like a little, almost like a little vibration, like a bullet. Yeah, suppository. Very similar. It finds your heart. The whole thing. No, they put it, they put it in your leg. No fucking way. They can inject a bullet into your leg and it finds its way through all your veins and then it plops itself into your heart.

26:33Denis:What? And then it sits in your heart and the outer coating is like electric or whatever. so when your heart stops or slows down Does it have does it have your heart's address Where else could they put it? No but sure No that's amazing though that it goes off Because every if you if you injected something into your leg that it would eventually go into your heart Oh and it just it And it can't get out then Oh okay great Too big That's fucking amazing I'm mad That's absolutely unbelievable Magic I wanted to speak about heartbreaking as well and Irish people Oh? So Oh no What? Tommy Fleming Oh fuck Is that for after the break?

27:10Denis:I wasn't going to talk about Tommy Fleming. I have an update on Tommy Fleming after the break. I'd like to talk about Tommy Fleming. What do you want to talk about? What I was going to mention was about an Irish girl. Oh. And an American friend of mine. Oh. And he was telling me during the week, he said, I meant to say something to you two years ago. We forgot. Oh. Right. I should never mention this in the bonus episode, but he was going with this girl six, seven dates invited her to a concert of her favourite band who were in town, you know the way Americans say that favourite band's in town if you want to go take it, mama invites her, stands him up never speaks to him ever again, blocks him on everything won't respond to any messages and I have her name and she's from Galway say it I can't say it but I have mutual friends with her because I checked her on Instagram what do you make of that no six seven dates in representing us over in New York yeah probably one of the nicest guys ever like such a lovely fella smart good looking she was in New York total package yeah living there now like not over and never showed up to the seventh date of a concert that's how far do we get to the time of the date texting.

28:32What do you mean? Texting on the day, texting I'll be there in a minute.

28:35Denis:Oh yeah, like the day of yeah. Up to the day of. Yeah. And then ghosted. Like not. Wow. Come on, that's And still alive, no accident. Still alive, yeah. Few Instagram updates seen from afar. That's not on. It's not on. She's over there representing us with a very nice lad. And there's money spent. Loads of money spent. Or was the band? I don't know I have no idea a bit of decency please you know what I mean I'd never do that I'd never not show up to something would I? no is this a while ago? two years ago why does that matter? because we're so like even when I'm coming here to the studio some days you feel like not turning up Sometimes I don't show up.