#85 Mark causes a divorce at the health spa

0:00Denis:Welcome to this week's episode of Your Internet Boyfriends. Hello, Mark Teacocks. Hello, Denis Lane. This week we're talking about shark in the health spa, gooch in a boat and sexu sexu. And I'll be telling Denis all about the muscles of Tokyo. This show is part of the Headstuff Podcast Network. We're back, Mark. Hello. You're rested. You're full of rice. You missed me. I did miss you, in a way. I'll be honest, I didn't. I didn't miss anyone. Yeah. I really enjoyed not interacting with anyone for two weeks. They don't realise that episode last week was a fiddle. It was a big trick. It was a trick.

0:38Denis:It was a trick. There was only 45 hints from Mark that it might have been a trick in it. That was... Am I still in Japan? I got mixed up. I'm actually back. Now, today is the 14th of September. Should we tell them? Go on. And we are here. We're here. We're right here. We're with you. We're actually here. and well I'm here but I've not told anyone I'm here What do you mean? I've not announced my return Oh right Is your out of office still on in the Dawson scene? Well I have no job No I meant like the Dawson scene like they don't know you're around The out of office is on I haven't as of now it's what time is it?

1:124 o 'clock? 5 o 'clock? Yeah 14th I haven't posted on Instagram in two days

1:16Denis:Jesus Christ people will be sending out search parties for you There's probably an alert in the Met Police if your story doesn't get updated There's no alert no one cares as soon as you stop no one cares and do you know what it's lovely it's not bad is it I've eased away for a couple of days I haven't told them I'm back and I'm getting a lot done there's no hopping what are you getting done there's no I got up at half six I might be jetlighted I'd say you're in for a ferocious crash I'm very rested well you weren't that far there was a two hour difference where Turkey Turkey I was in Turkey. You were in Japan.

1:55Denis:Are they saying Turkey? Turkey, no. No one said it. No, no, no. That's not really caught on. It's definitely the spelling. They're definitely going for the spelling. Do you know why they did that? To not be... Not be associated with the bird. Oh. Isn't that strange? They just wanted to get away from being associated with a turkey bird. And here's a turkey fact for you. Vapes are illegal. In Turkey? Yeah, you can't smoke vapes. You can smoke as many cigarettes as you possibly can from the age of about three. But there's no vapes. It's illegal. Okay. You can only bring them for personal consumption and that's it.

2:26Denis:You can't buy them or sell them anywhere. Did you try? You don't. No, I didn't. But I just saw someone running down the street. This old woman. She goes, Vapes are illegal. She's from Cork. No, literally. She wasn't from Turkey, like. Oh. Just someone running after someone saying, Vapes are illegal. That'd really fuck you now. Yeah, would. Be in jail for vaping. But if you were addicted to the vapes and you went to Turkey? You have to get in the cigarettes. You'd be in a bad way. There's just piles. When you go into the shops, right, Because they're so cheap They don't have them Like locked away There's no like Advertising things There's nothing like that Yeah I went into one place And you know Like a deli fridge Full of Piles of fags inside now Oh Jesus All on top of each other Turkish ones No we know very well That's not what I said And they're cheap Yeah God You know what I was You know what I was thinking about The other day But not saying them in my head Yeah I was wondering In terms of slurs In the community Oh yeah What's your favourite slurs What's still usable And what's not usable Well you seem to use them all I do use them all Because there was a few Old fashioned ones Came into my head What was I Tease them We won't say them Seeking people guess Well I was I was singing a song Because I was waiting For a video to render And then I said I'm a big big And then filled in That last bit of the What is that a bad one Big big what Would it write If you're writing a poem It rhymes with like render oh a bender yeah that's nice is that but is that is that back is that or is that like which ones aren't which ones are still that's mild enough but it's the intention if you said that while you're punching someone in the face yeah yeah don't you know it's not the same while you're writing them it's kind of fun isn't it that's nice who's a big big bender oh

4:20ah Christ that one's okay

4:22Denis:Is that one fine? There's worse things being said in the world. I just got excited about it. I think you got excited. It's the alliteration of it. Yeah. It's the alliteration. But you couldn't be saying, like, I can't say the F word. I think that's too strong in any context for a straight man to be saying. Yeah, that's a big one. Yeah. Is there any other ones that you'd like to see kind of? I mean, they're all, if they're said in a jovial... No, in the jovial good context. In a jovial way. I mean, Puff is great. you know poof see that's an impossible one for me to say as well that's an impossible one that's very like English hooligan footballer kind of terminology some people love that have you ever seen Hung Young Brits no I haven't no what's that now is that a documentary a website they'd be saying things like that this is as your foot kicks the side of my pants sorry remember the dynamic been away a long time what's hung young Brits they'd put on an old jersey like a football jersey no trousers they'd dress up like lads we've had this conversation before right and I'd say it's probably a hill I'd be prepared to die on huh women put them in a football jersey no bottom half or anything like that oh you said that yeah look great man only wearing the top half?

5:50No, they'd have the little shorts. Looks arranged. Yeah, yeah. They'd have the little shorts and the shoes. And then but sometimes they'd be bullying each other and they'd be saying those words to each other.

6:01Denis:In what context? Is this like, I'm imagining a webcam at the moment. Like, where are we? It could be a webcam, yeah. It could be in the lockers after the match. Oh, but they're They could be picking on one. They're presenting us straight in the video, is it? Until they accidentally start writing each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That always happens. It's wonderful. Yeah, it's great. But they'd be calling themselves But that'd be a word, something like that. My mother had a piece of furniture. Oh, a puff? A puff. For the feast. And it would be bring over the puff. That was always funny in the house.

6:30You'd laugh at that.

6:31Denis:Well, she hated it. I don't know. Do you know, she didn't hate it, I don't think, in the defense of the community. I think she just hated that people were mocking her puff. Yeah. You know, bring over the puff. Did it match the armchair? Yeah, it was a three-piece suite. The whole thing matched. Any other ones you'd like? Slurs Yeah I'm just wondering what's What's out there at the moment What's fresh Yeah what's new What's new Or like you know There's Yeah I think it's on Sissy You know sissy That's nice That's a category Yeah Um Okay Sissy Sissy's a strange one Yeah Cause that That comes from Well it comes from being swishy.

7:19Denis:I think you can actually, I think that is like a gun pointed at yourself when you fire off sissy. What do you mean? If I called one of my friends a sissy. Yeah. It'd be like, it would almost backfire on me, do you know what I mean? Well, I don't know what, why would you be saying that? Nowhere, I wouldn't say that. Where are we going? Tell me about the Turkish people. The Turkish people are lovely. What are we talking about? The Turkish people. So much news. Come on, tell me about the holidays. I thought I'd derail us a little bit. Where were you? I was over in Kalkan. Right. I was over with all the retirees, all the rich Russian women who can speak about five different languages.

7:53Oh.

7:54Denis:Great place if you go over there and you've got the hair slicked back. Where are we now in Turkey? We're down about 30 miles from the border of Syria, I think. Are we on the coast? We're on the coast. Who's what sea? I don't know where it is. Is it the Aegean Sea or something? Right. It's a three-hour boat ride to Rhodes, if that gives you any sort of... It doesn't. So you know Turkey, like we're down, like if it's connected to Europe up on the top left, you're just following it all down the south until you get to like a peninsula down there. I've not, yeah. You know where Dalaman is? I don't know anything about it.

8:29Denis:Dalaman Airport, second most expensive airport in the world. Oh. So expensive. Can in Guinness, guess how much that is? Oh, do I mean, 15 pounds? 15 euros. Guess how much their local beer is? What are you drinking Guinness in Turkey? For God's sake. Guess how much local Efez is High or low? What do you mean? Am I going to be shocked it's high or high? You're going to be shocked it's 10 13 And I saw if I was buying it Who? Are they just Some lad Cheating tourists? No they're just these I saw a family go up to McDonald's I have the prices on my phone I'll boringly go through them I'd love it Do you want me to I'll compare with the Japanese Watch this Watch this right Is this your Revolut receipts?

9:15Denis:No, I took a bit. Oh my God. It is one of the most expensive holidays we've ever got on. Yeah. I wait to eat in a few times. I'll put it that way. Okay. All right. So how much do you think a hamburger is, or a cheeseburger perhaps? In a McDonald's? In a McDonald's in Dallaman Airport. So you're going to get a hamburger. It is in euros, by the way. Well, here it would be 550. Okay. So how much is it there? 9.50. 16 euros. That's delicious. No. How much do you think a double Big Mac is? I'm going on that now, 17.50. 23 euros. Stop it. Isn't that outrageous? You've been swindled. It's absolutely nuts.

9:52Denis:Do you know how much a Happy Meal is? 12.50. 14 euros. Isn't that bonkers? Did you get a Happy Meal? All right. What about you pick up an Americano for yourself? Where? In McDonald's. 4.50. 5 euros. And that was the cheapest place. Yeah. Every rose was 6 quid. I did a bit of an old man thing at one of the... At Gloria Jeans. Gloria Jeans if you're out there you're a disgrace we had a Gloria Jeans in Cork I think at one point Gloria Jeans you're a disgrace right their Americano was 8 euros oh and I was standing there there was about 16 people behind the counter no one buying anything and I said how much and he goes 8 euros and I looked at him and I said 8 euros for an Americano and then they do think I only work here and the new bosses so it was so bad in the airport that when we got on the plane okay when we got on the plane there was a member of the community as well I want to pick a bone with right yeah gorgeous looking man walking through the airplane right yeah with his trolley serving out stuff no food left chicken or beef no no food nothing or nothing oh because the last plane was so hungry from the airport that they ate all the food oh what airline this is BA no food complimentary no no buying it like there's no food there's no sandwiches or nothing left Those flights are funny How long is that?

11:13Denis:Five hours? Four hours When do they? Five and a half I think When do they start A complimentary meal Dishing out They couldn't dish out fuck all They had nothing Not a panini I was raging She got a packet of Mentos She nearly had a heart stack £6.50 Well it was cheaper on the plane But she was eating Mentos Of course someone also Forgot to check in so We were down at the back Of the toilets Oh Every person Every two seconds Going to the toilet Put them down Oh my God. So you had a great time. Great time. Woman changed her baby in the seat. Yeah. Not nice. Beside you. Not nice, yeah. Down the back, next to the toilets.

11:50Denis:She was next to the toilets and she changed the nappy. Oh. That was nice. We needed the Mentos then. Got you in bad form. No, actually in great form. No, actually in great form. The hair is luscious. Thank you, yeah. It's going to be shaped and styled now this week, I think. There's a lot of rumours. But what? Someone messaged me, actually, about her hair. Coming back from Turkey with a full head of hair I had a full head of hair going Well And I had a great smile as well Well Did you see a lot of that? Or are you in the wrong part? Saw a lot of noses Everyone over there had an Instagram nose A new nose I would nearly go as far as to call it a porn nose Describe it Very pointy Ski slope You know the one You see it on Instagram Small Very small Shaved down And you know I don't want to stand up here on my beautiful high horse but I thought I think there's lovely noses over there I think maybe we should leave the noses alone are people going there for a new nose no this was the people that were living there had the noses that's not mad leave your lovely noses alone what did you do we're going to look very strange in your 85 what do we do so sell me the holiday we had a beautiful holiday yeah it was absolutely beautiful how long 12 days or something oh fuck yeah okay how long were you in Japan 3 weeks but like that's Yeah, but we went over there to deliberately like rest and relax.

13:12Denis:So we went to this place and it was something like Mahala Beach Club or something, right? Okay. And we went down there and it was down by the water, right on the water. Oh, actually, I forgot to say this. So we're sitting down. It is a beautiful place, right? Lisa sits me down and she says like, wait, no, it's going to be a nice sunset. What drink you're going to get? Blah, blah. I was wearing shorts, right? And the little mozzies over there, they loved my Irish blood. So as she's like professing her love to me, there is a fucking fly eating the leg off me. Sucking you off. Eating, well. And the fly was bad as well.

13:52Denis:Ah, pack it in. Do they like? Try and tell you about my holidays. Tell us. The fly was biting my leg. I was ruined. And then she said that I ruined the dinner. But we were sitting down anyway and we're having a lovely little time. And then boom, sparklers and everything kick off behind us. A proposal. A marriage proposal Oh fuck You're one wearing a white dress Small nose Small little nose Big ring And a big diamond And the whole thing kicks off Big celebrations right Now I didn't feel under any pressure right I was joking to her I said wouldn't it be hard If you were going to propose And that kicked off Yeah Oh my lord Two seconds later The fella in between us Another one No a happy birthday Oh Absolutely fucking horrendous Guy walks down Poor lad didn't have much English in him Probably only heard happy birthday a couple of times maybe on television so he comes down with the cake after this big fucking thinking song singing it didn't know it happy birthday happy birthday to you happy birthday to me he just made it up as he was coming down I was in bits I couldn't stop laughing poor lad and then your one just goes thank you happy birthday to me happy birthday to you that's a loss very bad that's a loss yeah and you had nothing organised I had nothing organised no um but we went to enter we sat down by the pool we listened to the rich russian english um you'd love this right so there was this english woman sitting next to us and she comes or they always had their little spot or you couldn't take the old ladies fucking spot when you went down to the pool right so we went down this one day and this english one pops up and you know these are these english women who like they probably are like rich in like terms but like they're not super rich they're not like you know old money but they kind of act okay so she comes over and she said The first thing she says to everyone is like, oh, I'm so frustrated.

15:39Denis:My daughter is up for a design award in London. I can't vote on it. Oh. But listen to this. So then there's a woman next to her who's like, I mean, it's a well-traveled, like very cool, like Russian lady, right? Yeah. She speaks, everyone who comes down has a different language. She speaks it to them. She's really, really cool, right? So she goes, oh, what was the design award for? Like, you know, you know, oh, she's involved in real estate. Oh. Fucking real estate. fucking probably like you know real estate agent of the year or something she's eight people under her oh who cares who gives a flying shit like right that's the first thing she said to her and then the other people were like everything that come down they'd say oh I speak the Russian lady started speaking like Spanish and all this and then that English one not wanting to be outdone says oh I speak French oh so then the Russian one starts speaking French to her English one can't speak French back to her no French horrendous and she's going oh um maison Maison And your other one's going Oh I think it's actually like You know Maison She's like oh yes yes yes yes But my accent's a little bit different I'd be allergic to that now Listen to that all day Having fights with the Heavily testosterone Are you inside a wall?

16:47Are you in a compound? No it's a beautiful like It is

16:50Denis:Yeah we're inside a wall Are you enclosed? Yeah it's a It's a beautiful place Can you get out? You can get out But you have a security barrier Yeah You'd like it It's very very nice Would they bring you on a tour? No it's not like that It's not like okay jet two holidays it's um you stay there yeah you do what you do yeah they feed you but it's really expensive and they're all horrible they're all really mean and we went down we went there so weeks so fucking mean we went down to a restaurant and they served us raw chicken oh and they charged us something like i think it was 10 pounds for chips and we were like no like we're not paying this is ridiculous right everyone then starts talking in turkish like cursing us and doing all sorts of things and laughing at us and all this so we said like you know can we speak to the manager said oh there's no manager here so i said well like we need to speak to someone like this is like you're all being super rude and and we're being lovely to them yeah they're being really mean like and so um and you know you know lisa like she's well up to handle herself but she was still being like really polite so we said oh we'll go up to the hotel because they said oh go to the hotel complain there went up to the hotel met the most obnoxious man in the world who told lisa said did you expect it would be free and then he said now you know better because that wasn't on the menu so if it's not on the menu we can just charge what we want sorry now and you're trapped there that happened on the last couple of days yeah he was so scary I thought that our apartment was going to be broken and so we were going to be murdered so I didn't complain until we came home I didn't leave the review until we came home you let loose I marched out there and I said fine I'm so stupid keep your chips I said fine we'll leave a review and I walked out but I was terrified of him I was like please don't fucking beat the shit out of me keep your chips Yeah, don't let the swimming pool shaking That'd be too long for me now The two weeks It was lovely How did you get on?

18:38That'd be too long I keep touching your toes Sorry I don't know why I'm playing with you

18:44Denis:What was the most exciting thing you got up to over there? Oh, the Japanese What a time Can't wait for this Japanese propaganda Go on Actually, since you started talking I started getting fed videos About I'm not talking about Japanese history no no no but like about the global perception of Japan and how we view Japan and how our grandparents would view Japan it's so fascinating my grandparents to be honest wouldn't even know what Japan is but like the PR the campaign you got invited to the fucking embassy or something I'm a diplomat now I was brought to the embassy at the Ireland house I was brought on a private tour I love the little car outside the picture There's a little van Little truck You'd love it It's full of little trucks and vans Everything's shining You'd love it It's full of little small cars And little trucks Did you get much attention over there?

19:42I got loads of attention Yeah Made loads of friends I was brought to the embassy They have a new embassy There's money there There's money there If we could get in Did you do any number? There's discussions of a number I was shown the multi-purpose hall A tour I was given a tour of the multi-purpose hall They have a lovely new building I didn't meet the ambassador There was no time But I was shown around I didn't know where to start I had such a nice time I feel like I was there for months I feel like I lived there And I'm in the absolute depths of depression now To be back in the United Kingdom

20:21Denis:I actually feel good To be back I actually don't feel that bad Remember I was telling you this today that I was driving through where I live in South London and a woman in a car nearly knocked on another woman in a bike and then that woman on the bike Spanish lady said fuck you man to the woman driver and I thought I'm back that's what makes London special and I actually liked it that the Japanese wouldn't be doing that I had three weeks of no one shouting I didn't get harassed I didn't get abused no one stole my stuff three weeks do you not miss it though don't miss it looking over your shoulder in case someone steals your phone you could walk in to Japan here we go here we go put your money up on the table you can walk away and come back the next day and it'll be there you could come back three years later three years and your money would have multiplied they'd give you money they'd give you money they would they'd say thanks so much and they'd give you money what are they making up for yeah but the yen the yen is on its knees yeah and I took huge advantage of it everything was like half the price that you would expect it to be you've been early buying things just because it's so cheap yeah all day long did you get anything interesting I had I'd say I had cheesecake I'd say three at least twice a day I'd have a little slice of cheesecake and a coffee that'd be two pounds can you imagine two pounds two pounds Mark I said on the plane on the way back 45 pounds It was the hungriest holiday I've ever had Because you're We couldn't eat I was eating non-stop We couldn't eat during the day I'm fat as a pig We could only eat at 7 o 'clock at night We could only eat at 7 o 'clock at night Yeah I was eating Doritos during the day How much was the flight?

22:14Denis:Flight Maybe that's the difference 200 quid Mine was 1 ,000 pounds Mine was 1 ,400 pounds Jesus Christ But I think I saved money by being there You did I think I did I think I did just the price of the cheesecake and little little dinner little noodle there at one o 'clock in the morning four pounds I got caught bad over there right you know you have your little noodle place you can slip into them and like say oh we try this out this will be really nice we're walking down the street I got absolutely caught so bad walking down and we're kind of oh will we go here will we go there and Lisa goes oh let's just go up there we'll just head in there for dinner into Kalamaki oh the most expensive place in all I can can.

22:56Denis:She's... And she'd already researched it. Taste. She could go into a supermarket, and if you're looking at sauces for dinner, she'd go, oh, we get this one, and it'd be the most expensive one by a mile. No. We went up there. The prices were more expensive than London. Cocktail. Oh, do you know which cocktail was over there? £25. It'd be fucking£18 for a cocktail. Do you think she'd have a beer? Do you think she'd sit down and have a nice little local beer for herself? To a straws. Oh, fuck's sake. I was drinking the beer trying to make up the difference. I couldn't handle it. I can't enjoy it.

23:31Why if it's too expensive? When I'm getting shafted. Are you sure? We have a bonus episode.

23:39Denis:Is there some Japanese hijinks? Few? I don't know what to say. Three weeks is a long time. Did you have the app on over there? Three weeks is an awful long time. Well, I was coming and going. I had company. I My same sex partner was there Donal Nolan Star of the show Yeah you stayed in His place right I stayed in Soho House For I had five accommodations I There was one time I had two accommodations The same On go On the go at the same time Swapping between them It was so cheap I had an I would just Take my money You saved money did you I saved my I had an Airbnb for a week Six nights You're fucking ridiculous Six nights Airbnb About Eleven minutes from Shinjuku Which is like The biggest train station in the world The heart of Tokyo How much?

24:28Six nights A full brand new apartment Built a year ago Because I went on the Google Maps It wasn't on the Google Maps It's so new How much? How much?

24:37Denis:Six nights Beautiful I'm trying to give an educated guess Spacious 700 quid 200 pounds Oh fuck 200 Is it tiny though? No Full height Full height Didn't hit my head Because I hit my head quite a lot yeah but this was new so I had that and then I had a hotel at the same time closer to the city just for the option I couldn't that's very interesting isn't it Mark why because you don't because well there's no train I will criticise there's no train after midnight yeah but you had a little you had a little hotel near the city and then a little homestead pied de terre out further in suburbia well if you want to socialise after midnight but you could also keep your holiday quite separate you could say because you can have the nice apartment and did you meet any nice Japanese men?

25:28I've loads of friends already in Japan some of them I met, some of them I didn't get a chance and I do apologise, hello, straight down the camera, apologise, I didn't get to you, there's a few people upset, I was pulled and dragged but I was trying to just be on my own as much as I could and just kind of I had lovely days walking around it was pouring rain a lot of the time beautiful though 35 degrees in Turkey no oh it was 35 degrees and rain oh lovely hot sweaty but kind of it doesn't matter because it's lovely but you glanced over you went over that there but is there any I met a few friends yeah I did but any new people or were they just all friends pick and mix there's an awful lot I will say in the homosexual district which is called there is a rotation of arrivals and there was a moment maybe by the end of the second week when I thought I'm stuck in a time loop here because you're standing outside a bar that I have stood outside a hundred times over the years talking to a person a new person same conversation but it's a copy of a person you've met 3000 times who has just arrived from random country first time in Japan is very excited is saying all the things that I also say and then is kind of on this itinerary which everyone does which is fine but you're kind of like I'm going mad we're having the same chat over and over and over and over so I had to kind of leave that after a while because they're people you'll never see again yeah so I took off into the rain a few nights

27:19Denis:I'll try again there now was there any well there's a few friends will you tell me after the break I might tell you after the break oh I nearly caused a divorce okay I'll tell you that after the break okay let's take a break sorry now if you're enjoying this episode you might like to also sign up to Headstuff Plus where you can get a weekly bonus episode where we talk about all the dirt that we're not allowed to say here in the main show you can sign up on yourinternetboyfriends.com for only 6 quid a month and you'll get full frontal nudity. Oh. Full frontal nudity. Well, also you get advert-free listening.

27:54Denis:You also get first choice for any of our tickets for our live shows. Plus there's going to be a lot more bonus video content coming up as well that you'll have exclusive access to. Can't wait to see it. We're giddy. I feel like we've too much to say. So much to say. And I don't know what to say. I have a bag of presents for you. Oh. To give you in a few minutes. Very nice. From the Japanese. from the embassy and I have to tell you about the divorce tell me about the divorce first will I tell you about the divorce or there was war heterosexual divorce no oh I forget sometimes that there are LGBTQ couples who live

28:43a closed lifestyle

28:45Denis:a monogamous lifestyle can i tell you yeah i just met some i just made new friends remember i was telling you about this these new friends that i made what are you smiling at yeah what was my response oh well i said i said i actually said i wasn't sure i said what did you say these two lovely men right they actually described themselves because they were talking to lisa and they describe themselves which i hope isn't a bad term whatever but they describe themselves they said they don't know anything about like the bigger gay world okay they don't really have gay friends where are they from uh from germany and um holland i think okay or turkey or germany i don't know which one i can't remember i think germany and um they don't really know much but they said that they're just um two lesbians dressed up as gay men that's the way they described oh Right so they don't I don't know I don't really know What that means But that's what they said Right So they want to get Oh we can bring them out Well I don't know I think I think there'll be more events Before nine o 'clock You know that kind of a thing Okay Whatever but They do exist They do exist And I met them I was I had my Multiple homes In Tokyo That's so That's disgrace I had multiple homes Do you think people Don't see through that Your multiple homes I had multiple homes Because Mobile home down in Ballybunion.