How Losing Everything Taught Her to Help Everyone: Joan Howard’s Story

21:43Simon Sinek:Just so people are clear, which is one of the things that the organization does is it gives hot meals. It gives a hot meal. It gives a hot meal and it gives a lot of takeaway shelf stable items. So anyway, I went over and I'm standing in line listing in the wind. And he came up to me and said, so what's your story? You anorexic? You're a drug addict? You're skinny. What's going on here? I burst into tears. Boo-hoo-hoo mama. Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. He said, okay, okay, okay, enough of that. He said, go through the line. Don't leave when the serving is over, and I'm going to take you back and meet your mother.

22:23Don't go. He was like that with people, probably like you are. So at the end of the serving I got into his SUV. He met Mama and saw the dog. He said, this is a remarkably clean car of what's going on here. He talked to the people around my car. He talked to the night manager. And then he came back and he gave me his card and he said, I want you to go find a place to live tomorrow and I'm going to pay for it for a year.

22:54I didn't know any better. I said okay. So I went to a woman Connie who took would take three dogs and I told her what had happened at an apartment house and she said oh honey this is a scam. And so she called him and he showed up with the food on foot car and he said I'm gonna rent this place month to month for a year.

23:21He was legitimate and he did and he turned to me and he said, now you have to be in my food line. You're not eligible for the jobs housing, but you've got to be in the food line every Sunday. And I want an email from you every week about your life.

23:35Simon Sinek:So when he says in the food line, meaning volunteering to help? No, in the food line. No, to actually, to eat. Yes, I'm a supplicant. And then he said, I want you to take a look around at the street. He said, I want you to take a look and tell me everything you see and write me every week, which I did twice a week sometimes. This was the condition of him paying your rent. Yeah, and I did. So long story short, he fixed the car. He got me a vacuum cleaner. He paid for nursing for my mother. And he gave me the support I needed. He was also kind of a mentor. My mother died in my arms at 98 listening to Frank Sinatra in that apartment.

24:23with the three dogs at her feet. They outlasted her and I got back on my feet. I started doing audience stuff again and working through. And so I went back to him and I said, okay, Jay, how can I repay you? And he said, he said, pay it forward.

24:38Simon Sinek:To some degree, anybody who has never been homeless and has not come close to being homeless, which has nothing to do with wealth, but you know, you have enough that you don't think about being homeless, that we are all a little bit, I don't know how to put it. We're all a little bit assholes. Like the way that, you know. I was a definite asshole. You know, so for example, you know, people who say, well, the homeless are lazy. Try being homeless. It's the most unlazy thing you can do. You get up, you got bugs all over you, you're dirty, and there's no place to use the toilet. And you have to go find food.

25:08Simon Sinek:You have to go find clothes. I mean, the amount of work you have to do to just stay alive. If you're lazy, you probably die. And no two services are next to each other. And no two services are next to each other. So these narratives that people who don't deal with homelessness other than seeing it and having it be a nuisance in our lives, you know, there's a narrative that we have. Which is why I do it. And when I heard your story of somebody who came from wealth, who was a trust fund baby, and then had nothing and was now living with her mother and three dogs in a car, it's that story of... That story right now, Simon, is all over this city, in every age group.

25:54And I promise you.

25:55Simon Sinek:You're living a good life and life happens around you. We saw it happen with lockdown. Like we're all fine. And then all of a sudden the world is completely different.

26:07Simon Sinek:And how ill prepared we are for what the world has to provide, what the world, what happens to us around the world. We're not. I was stupid in so many of the ways I lived my life. That's why I wanted you here, which is your story is. But I met someone. If somebody saw you sitting on the street or living in your car, the narrative of you, drug addict, anorexic, lazy, all of these things, but you weren't. No, I wasn't, but I still wasn't able to do it. But you had bad luck. I had someone reach out a hand and help me up. And he also mentored me in a way, because I've come from a long line of manic depressives, and I have depression.

26:45And he was very big about when people got into the program to do one random act of kindness. He didn't require anything else during the week except find a job. but one random act of kindness to help someone in some way really look at them and this is not just giving them a sandwich you don't want or the rest of your coffee or a water bottle this is listening to them something that takes something out of yourself and that's what he drew out of me and I discovered my mother and myself which surprised me but what he taught me was he saved my life, Simon He gave me the focus so that I was not depressed when my mother died.

27:28He gave me tools to use that uniquely fit me, that I could help people and help myself at the same time. And it's not some kind of bad thing or an addiction that doesn't work. It works with everybody. You'll find outreach workers right and left who do it.

27:48Simon Sinek:Why did he help you? Because he was like that. There's lots of people who needed help. He can't afford to pay everyone's rent. No, but he just had this geiger about people who would come through. He gave me the opportunity and he gave me the foundation. And then when I pushed my way into his charity, he allowed it because it worked for him. He used to say, you got a work ethic like no other, John. Tell me about somebody who came and worked the line on a Sunday, who stood behind a table and handed out donated goods and had never done anything like this before. There was a woman whose house burned down during the fires.

28:30She has money, but she lost everything that is a memory of the past, which really hits you in the gut. And I was talking to her, and she said, I didn't think I'd be able to stand up today. I didn't think I could go on. and she said I came here and she said all these people she said I have money in the bank I can rebuild but these people have nothing and she said it makes me feel so connected it gives me such a sense of community it gives me such a sense of right and justice and she said what you're doing here she said I can't even believe all these people are thanking me for giving me a bag of chips or she said it's food and she said it's nothing and yet it's probably saved my life I had a conversation with a homeless person in New York City

29:30Simon Sinek:it was somebody who was young and didn't look like she was couch surfing had some really hard times and she didn't look like the stereotypical homeless person And talking to her, she was telling me that the hardest part wasn't the food donations or the few dollars that somebody would put in a cup. It's that people would treat her as less than human. They would ignore her. They wouldn't make eye contact with her. and she said the part that destroyed her soul wasn't actually the fact that she was without a home and sleeping on friends' couches and trying to scrounge things together. It destroyed her confidence that she became less than, she started to believe the way she was treated.

30:24And that's what we do every week at Food on Foot. I'm on call for the people in line. Literally, Food on Foot is only there on Sunday, visible. but everybody works behind the scenes. But what I do during the week, I figure out what they need because they tell me. And I'm out in the streets. I'm out at other charities. I'm out at support days, events, finding out what's going on. Just this last Tuesday, I was downtown at a support day at the LA Public Library. And the Metro was there. And they were offering bus passes. And so I tackled Amelia and gave her an earful about what we do. And she said, oh, I can come.

31:03We can do that there.

31:04Simon Sinek:It's the humanity, right? I mean, again, I'm thinking of somebody else. It was a homeless guy outside my office. I knew his name. I knew his story. I knew why he was homeless. He used to be a high-flying guy. And he was an idiot. He admits that he's an idiot. And he lost all his money. And he couldn't make ends meet. And a smart guy. And he valued more than anything that I just knew his name would say good morning to him. And, you know, and I think that's one of the things that, and even when I came to volunteer and work the tables, you know, to make eye contact with somebody and say, hi, what's your name, you know, and just have a...

31:42You save a life every time you do that, Simon. You know... You save a life. Occasionally, because I'm not often in all the circles, I'm too busy behind the scenes, but I will go and I will thank people for coming because...

31:56Simon Sinek:And we're not talking volunteers. You're talking people coming and asking for things. No, I'm talking about the volunteers. Volunteers, okay. I'm talking about the people who donate money and who are there to see what homelessness is and to feel better about themselves. But I thank them. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with that. That's a wonderful thing. It's a good human thing. But basically what I always do, I try to do, is to let them know the impact they've made on these people's lives. because these are people, regular people, who are not spitting on them or looking down their noses or treating them as if they're dirt.

32:34These are people who are asking, what would you like? Would you like this? Would you like that? Well, take an extra. It's okay.

32:41Simon Sinek:Let's go into difficult land. Politicians run on the platform of clearing out homeless camps. And here in Los Angeles, I mean, entire blocks are occupied by homeless camps. Well, that would be all right. if they had a place to put them. Here's the problem with that, and it is a problem. I think you know from human experience that a great segment of our society believes the world is flat and they're going to fall off it at any minute. That is not just people who have their criteria for wealth or whatever. You have people in the street who cling to things and they are pack rats, so it's too much.

33:22So they have whole communities of excess. Now, if we were practical and we put a dumpster next to it and we provided them with some hope for the future, the whole problem with, I have to say we're doing a great job in Hollywood. We really are. We really are with getting people off the street and providing them.

33:42Simon Sinek:What's Hollywood doing that they're not doing on Skid Row, for example? Because we have Hollywood Forward. And quite frankly, Mike Foley, who's the head of Food on Foot, has been intrinsic in jumping up and down and telling them, look, you guys, we all have to hold hands. We're not going to do this by ourselves. We can't be so exclusive. We've got to share information, and we've got to band together and partner. And he's so smart. And, I mean, you saw how well organized we are at Food on Foot. It was not that way before. I mean, not to go off on a tangent, but you're highlighting something which drives me crazy about not-for-profit organizations and charities.

34:15Simon Sinek:Because they're businesses. Which is they compete against each other. They're businesses. They compete against each other. They're trying to solve the same problem competing against each other. And it's going to get much, much, much, much worse. And I'm terrified. It drives me nuts. I will tell you right now I'm terrified because what's happening now. What's happening now. You don't want people on the street. That is not what you want. You don't want them. You want them to have a restroom. You want them to have some access. And we should be able to put them into shelters or whatever. They're just so badly managed, most of them.

34:41The ones that are best managed, hope, the mission. I have to say they do it better than any other organization I've seen. But they are dependent a lot on the government money, as are all these huge organizations. Government money, and right now it's being cut off. And that means we are totally private. We have never taken government funding because we do not operate in a small little area. If you're from Pacoima, if you're from Long Beach or San Diego, you hear about us. You're homeless. You want to work. We will take you.

35:14Simon Sinek:Has zero government funding? None. Absolutely none. Wow. Because it's a mess. Yeah. Can you tell me a story of a single person you have met along your journey, whether it was a time when you were homeless or a time afterwards? Can you tell me that their story touches you more than everyone else, that you carry their name with you? Uncle Willie. Uncle Willie. Tell me about Uncle Willie. What is it about Uncle Willie's story? Uncle Willie is the son of a supreme, Diana Ross and Supremes, and he used to have a kid's show. He got on heroin, and he kept trying and trying and trying to kick it, and he came to Food on Foot, and it has nothing to do with me, but he was at a point where he really, really, really wanted to be in housing, wanted help.

36:06And as I said, somebody doesn't answer the phone. I do. I do. So Uncle Willie came and he said, John, I've got to get in shelter. He said, I went through treatment, but he said, they don't give you any help when they put you through treatment. They want you to go right back in so they can get more government money. He said, I need shelter. So I contacted him with a shelter that will remain nameless.

36:30Simon Sinek:Hold on. I'm going to back up for a second there. The treatment centers get government money. Because everything's compartmentalized. And they get government money for each person they treat. So there's an incentive. There's an incentive not to keep you in the system because then you get more government money. Yeah. The problem is the follow through and the support. You can't throw people in housing, any people, without giving them support. And government agencies do not have, it's not their fault. They don't have the social workers and the outreach workers who can, they have 300 cases each. How can they do this?

37:02Simon Sinek:Okay, so back to Uncle Willie. So he's a heroin addict. He genuinely wants to get clean. And he did. And after he got clean, he called me and said, help me get into shelter. Help me, Joan. I said, OK. So I got him into a shelter that I thought was good. A lot of these charities are businesses, and they lean on endorsements and what people see. So they have one shelter that's like it's a small world tour, I call it. And everything's perfect. It's clean. Everybody's happy, yada, yada. everybody's been rehearsed and everybody gives a good story. Then you have all the other shelters. Uncle Willie got in one of all the other shelters.

37:44And I had been, this is way back. This is way back. I've known him 15 years. And he called me up and he said, Joan, he said, I have to room with this guy. And he said, he's a cutter and he has AIDS. And he said, we share a bathroom. And he said, in the shelter. And he said, he bleeds all over the place. And he said, I've asked them to move me and they say, I'm the problem. I said, how are you the problem? And he said, well, he said, and he's, he's mental. And he said, I can't, I can't keep this up. And he said, I'm afraid. He said, because he was older then and he was afraid. And he said, I'm cleaning up the toilet.

38:19I'm cleaning up the bathroom all the time. It's blood everywhere. I said, okay. I said, we got to get you somewhere else. But before that happened, and he was thrown out of the shelter because he got angry. And he said, you can't do this to me. The secret about all these shelters is you can't get into any kind of disagreement in them, even if you're not at fault, because if you're part of it, they will oust you. And then you have a thing under your name and social security number that says you're a problem, and they won't take you. And that's the truth. Hopefully it's changing, but that is what has been happening.

38:56and you tell me how you put a lot of people who were treated like animals on the street, you put them in shelter and you don't have any staff there at all at night and they're just peer counselors or a security guard with two weeks training and expect everything to be okay. It's not. You need someone to be able to pour oil on the water. Night is when it happens. After hours is when it happens. That's why I answer all evening long. so Uncle Willie is now thrown out he has no place to go he networks I get him a bus ticket back to Detroit where he has relatives he calls me from Detroit and he says Joan he said I'm going to come back I'm in better shape he said I'm stable it's been a year and he said the problem is he said all my relatives are using and I don't want to deal with that so he comes back I get him a really great case worker because she's a friend and she really really does care unfortunately she burnt out she worked for LASA.

39:51That happens a lot. Because the outreach workers are tremendous, but they're up against, they have quotas. It's like any business. And there's so much they can't do, and they have too many people, and there's not enough that they can do for them. And you have mental, you have, you have, just.

40:07Simon Sinek:What is it about Uncle Willie that you carry his name with? He kept going, and he kept calling me. He kept calling me. And so finally, we got him a place to live. Downtown, he has a place. And he came through, and he helps other people. Lots of people came through. Lots of people help other people. What is it about Uncle Willie? Because he was such a heroin addict. He fell so far down. He was in a ditch. But you've worked with others who've been in really bad shape. No, no, no. not a man who's been on heroin since he was 20 years old and he's now 60. Wow. No. And he is the one who said to me when I first met him, he says, I like you.

40:52I said, why? He said, because you always tell me the truth, and the truth is the only thing that keeps you standing when you hit bottom.

41:03So he was in line last week. He comes in line. he brought a guy with him from downtown who was homeless. He said, this is Joan. Oh, he said, the famous Joan. He said, why does everybody like her? And Uncle Willie said, because she's the one. When everybody else turns their back on you, she'll still be there for you.

41:31So, that's why I do it. Because these people endure, and they're admirable. and I get more truth on the street. When I go around to all these different charities and explore and find out what works and what doesn't, and I'm not against any of them, but I see the fallacies and what the service is, oh, just so much. And I see what goes on. The people, I depend on the most of the people who are on the ground who are being served.

41:58Simon Sinek:But this role of truth I find very interesting, right? Which is you say... Because they can handle it. The way they can handle it. The way that Uncle Willie described you is when you're at your worst, she'll tell you the truth. And Jay was very honest with you. One would think that for people who are struggling, that being nice. That does work. But nice is a surface term, isn't it? When anybody ever says, oh, you should meet him. He's so nice. I go, oh boy. Tell me you're good. Tell me you're honest. Tell me you're kind. Tell me you're fair. Tell me you're decent. Don't tell me you're nice. That's a social term.

42:41It's like glitter.

42:42Simon Sinek:But don't we need to lift people up who are struggling? Exactly. Be kind. But sometimes the truth is difficult to hear. It depends. When you got yourself back on your feet and you've had a home and a job, what was the reason you decided to continue to volunteer as opposed to just go build a life and live a life? I was good at it. And I liked the people I helped. I liked them genuinely. I saw them not treated well. But I want to know, you know, how did this spoiled little rich girl find such empathy for people who... Well, my mother always had it. They're not like you. It must be a gene that pops out when you're 50-something.

43:21Simon Sinek:They didn't grow up like you. They didn't live like you. And here you are. Yeah, well, actually, someone said that to me. Well, we need a social worker who really understands Hollywood and, you know, has lived experience. And he said, you know, and I said, he said, like you, I said, I'm from Beverly Hills. It's talent. You know how people operate with people. If they're good with people and they care and they want to help, you have all these people out there and you just know. There are so many wonderful people out there in the street hoping you have no idea. I'm not an anomaly. I'm just usual.

43:58It's just that I don't stop. And it's not a job. I'm a volunteer. It's a vocation.

44:05Simon Sinek:How much does the service help them get healthy again? Is there a higher likelihood that they're going to get healthy? Where does the service component work? Because they have someone to go to. They have a place to do something. Or somebody in the job program. who's volunteering. Are they more likely to succeed in the job program when they also volunteer? That was the reason there was a random act of kindness required by Jay Goldinger. It's no longer required because it's more fully fleshed out now. Right, right, right. But there it is, there it is. This to me is the insight on all of this, which is you are more likely to help yourself solve your problem when you live a life of service and helping other people solve this.

44:42Well, there's something else that's going on that I hope will happen. Randy Wyatt, I think you met her. She's absolutely wonderful. She has two kids of her own. She wants to start a program at Food on Foot to help youth. A lot of different organizations are doing this, but I think we think the Food on Foot way, I think we're better at it. Okay, I'm prejudiced. You have so much emphasis on kids using fentanyl because they say, God, I mean, I grew up in the just say no era of everybody said yes during the Reagan era because I'm an old person in the 70s in high school. and what I saw was most of my friends died.

45:18I was always a designated driver because I'm not kidding you. I can't even, aspirin knocks me out. You give me some of crotein, I'm going to be out for a week.

45:28But what I see with today's youth, look, I would never want to go back and be a teenager. Your hormones go crazy. I wouldn't go through that again for all the tea in China. Let me have my face like a Sharpay. I'm fine. But for most people, for most youngsters, you hit a point where your hormones go wild. And I don't care, your focus is not always the best. And you don't, and your parents haven't taken out a license to raise your right. They haven't learned. A lot of parents just let kids just out there. So the whole criteria is don't join a gang. Don't go to a rave and try help somebody. So we're trying to institute a program where we get together groups of kids and let them help other people.

46:14And see that it's fun. This is not a downer. Did you have a downer when you went?

46:18Simon Sinek:No, I had a lovely time. No, you had a wonderful time. And also the people in our line who have nothing have a good time. I get that all week. I come to Food on Foot to feel better about myself because I'm treated well. How do you deal with burnout and the emotional labor of outreach? I don't get burnout in what I do. I get burnout in my own life. And then I just pick up the phone and talk to somebody who's a heck of a lot worse than I am in their lives. And basically, maybe I help them, maybe I don't. But I always get practically the same thing, nine times out of ten. I said, I can't help you.

46:56Dear God, I wish I could. And you know what they say? But you listen to me. You answer the phone. Nobody else answers the phone. Nobody else talks to me. That's nothing. And it saves my life every week.

47:11Simon Sinek:What is the one thing someone can do today to help their homeless or unhoused community? Be kind. When I, at the beginning of Food on Foot, it wasn't quite as heartfelt as it is now. Right at the beginning when I was first there. What does kindness look like? When you say there's one thing we can do today, you say be kind. What does kindness look like? Your face. That helps. What does that mean? It means you look at people kindly. you smile at them and you put yourself forward in order to be interested in them if somebody asks and you have nothing because nobody carries change anymore smile if you get something bad back I think people are uncomfortable to say no and so they turn away and ignore somebody they ignore that you don't exist and so if somebody has nothing to give in that moment I always say the same thing what does kindness look like in those moments Well, for me, it's I'm so sorry.

48:07I don't have any money to give you. I'm poor too. However, maybe you might explore this, this, and this. What's going on with you? No, I talk to them. You don't have to do that. Basically, all you have to do is say I'm so sorry and smile and go on.

48:23Simon Sinek:A little bit of humanity. It's a small thing, but it works. And it's like osmosis. It's really like osmosis. one kind smile really does translate. I'm not kidding you when I say you probably save a life by coming to Food on Foot and smiling at somebody. I know I've been told that many times during the week when I'm out there, and I am out there. Joan, thank you so much for coming in. Well, thank you. You are a saint. Oh, no. God, no. Please, please. We're not a religious experience that were not a cult. You were saint-like. No, no. I was originally supposed to be a nun. My grandmother decided I was the youngest child of the youngest child, so I was supposed to be a nun.

49:08And my mother said, oh, no.

49:10Simon Sinek:Well, if you refuse to be a saint, then just thank you for... I'm somebody who cares the way you care and the way everybody should. Thank you for caring to such an extreme level that it shows... Simon, do me a favor, please. Yeah. Let people know. But I'm at Food on Foot for a reason. If anybody likes anything that I said, because out of everything I've seen, I'm telling you, I've seen hundreds. This one works. And it should be all over this nation. For anyone who lives in Los Angeles, come down and volunteer at Food on Foot. Go to their website, foodonfoot.org. Register. Come and volunteer. If you have a company, or if you don't have a company, you just have means, you can donate money, you can donate stuff that they need.

49:58Simon Sinek:Again, go to the website and see what they need and what you can give. I've done it. It is inspiring. And I think it forces all of us to recognize that everybody has a story and you don't necessarily know what that story is. And for us to guess what somebody's story is, is very, you're going to get it wrong most of the time. And I think the lesson here is if we all had a little empathy, I mean, that's all it is, it's empathy. If we all had a little empathy to recognize that everybody has a story And if we had a little less judgment, a little more concern and care, you'd be amazed how much you can help.

50:32Simon Sinek:And if you don't live in Los Angeles, please either steal their model and set one up in your city. Or if you have means, please donate some way, shape or form. Joan, if you won't be a saint, at least accept that you are an inspiration. A Bit of Optimism is a production of The Optimism Company. Lovingly produced by our team, Lindsay Garbenius, Phoebe Bradford and Devin Johnson. subscribe wherever you enjoy listening to podcasts and if you want even more cool stuff visit simonsynic.com thanks for listening take care of yourself take care of each other