787. Why Being “Good” Is Hurting You: How To Choose Yourself + Be Free

27:15I'm toxic feminism. I'm what's wrong with the world. I have narcissistic personality disorder. I mean, I'm horribly selfish. I mean, it is like thousands of hate comments, which, you know, I'm grateful that because I, I shamed myself when I left and I had, I spent a couple of months in therapy, just working on the topic of shame and how dare I be a person who would do that. And so had I not untangled that prior to sharing the story, I think I'd be a lot more triggered by what people are saying. Cause of course that that's, it's just a, if something's like, if someone says something, it really impacts me.

27:51It's probably because it's my own internalized story. And so, um, I've been able to thankfully be like, okay, this clearly this person is hurting or in pain because of their own relationship or story about love or something that they're not acknowledging. So, um, but it's also like lit this fire in me because I realized that all of the things that people are saying in the comments about me are the reasons why people stay in situations in which they feel trapped because they're afraid that people are going to speak to them that way. And that's, it's terrifying. Like our primal desire as human beings is to belong.

28:28And here people are saying like, you're not worthy. You don't belong. You're an awful human being. And yes, it's one thing to be strangers on the internet, but like when you're close community, which is something that I also did face because there were, you know, when it was all going down and people didn't understand, you know, didn't know the full story. There were people, there were my girl, thankfully I had a very close circle of friends who were like, kind of like, thank God, you know, we, we, you know, he's great, but like clearly this hasn't been right for some time. And so we're like, you know, with me on it.

29:00But then there were people who like were you're a terrible person and you know, how dare you and had a lot of big feelings about it. So. That's what happens when you follow your heart, though. Yeah. You know, you're going to disappoint some people. Yeah. You might break someone else's heart, you know, inadvertently, and then not everyone's going to get it. Yeah. You know, and it's like one of those initiations in life that, like, is so needed and so hard for someone who's used to being a good girl, liked, accepted, all the things. But it's like almost that specific initiation is for someone like you and I.

29:38Like we need that. The most important. Let's blow up the harmony mess. Yeah. Yeah. It's so important. I want to talk about that moment that you met your now husband because someone listening might have experienced that or maybe they will. but there's also that voice in our head that says like, no, like maybe that's just like a, like a physical sexual desire, or maybe it's like almost downplaying the soul connection and the intensity or misinterpreting the intensity because maybe they haven't really kind of connected with that part of themselves. So I would just love for you to kind of talk about that more and how you knew it was a soul connection like that.

30:29Yeah. You know, I had all of those fears at first. Like, is this just, is this because you're not having sex in your marriage or you're just horny? You know what I mean? Yeah. Yes. He's an attractive guy, but like, you know, there was a deeper feeling and it wasn't instant. Even though I had this knowing of like, whoa it took a little bit of time for me to like really get to okay this is what I really think it is and honestly I have because I so the night I met him because I thought oh maybe in another life you know there's no way I'm gonna blow everything up this you know this is crazy I turned to him and I said I'm gonna match you with your person and it might like I meant that honestly because I was like wow this wonderful person who's single like I'm gonna find his wife yo it's so funny Because then you turn off that little part of you.

31:18Yeah. Because you're like, no, you can't have it. Yeah, you can't have it. And he was like, that's so kind of you. I'm actually six weeks out of a relationship. I'm working on myself right now. Not really like interested in relationship, but I trust you could. So like, you know, maybe another time. And yet I still was like making the list in my mind of the people I could introduce him to. And then I was like, okay, well, he can't be my life partner. So maybe I can make him my creative partner in this project. And so the project I was working on with my then husband, I actually brought him into the project and he was going to help me design the whole thing.

31:53And so because of that, there was more time together. And in that time together, just it was my soul was like, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And so, you know, I guess for the person listening, I don't want to say like, if you're in a marriage and you meet someone else, just go spend time with that other person. But I think also the key was is that even though I felt and knew, I truly did not know if he was just the catalyst or if I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. Sure. But I knew that if I committed to saying the most honest and true thing that was alive in me, that would lead me to whatever is most right and true.

32:36So, you know, when I – the night that – after they left, the night I met him, I turned to my husband and said, I just met a soulmate. And, you know, it just kind of came out of me and he said, I saw and that was beautiful to witness. And like there was no further dialogue at that moment. What do you think that was? I think he saw it because the connection was so undeniable and it wasn't like, oh, these two are trying to go. It was just like the way our souls lit up around each other was hard to not see. It was just like two people like, you know, just like totally so alive with each other. And so, you know, and I think I do I will, you know, give my my ex credit.

33:16I truly believed he wanted the best and highest path for me in life as I wanted for him. And even though like egos can get involved, I believe he was like, whatever is going to take her on her like the path she's meant to live on. And I'm a yes for that, even if it doesn't involve me. You know, I don't know how conscious that was in that moment, but I do think that's where his heart was. And so like that, you know, the person listening, you said, you know, I've just met someone I think is like, have the honest conversation with yourself. You know, what's, I don't know if it's open a journal and begin to like, why is this showing up?

33:55What is this wanting me to know? What does fear sound like here? What does my intuition sound like here? What am I afraid to know? We have to ask ourselves those questions when these sliding door moments come up. And then I think it's be honest with the people involved. At one point I had to say to John, am I crazy or is there a connection here? And so it was all of these small, honest steps that ultimately led to the way things unfolded. It was all very in the open and transparent. Yeah. Wow. What was the scariest – was there a scary part about having that type of connection that you hadn't really felt in so long, you know, like something just so true and so deep?

34:47Yeah. Like was that confronting in any way? It was terrifying. Yeah. You know, because without giving too much away, six weeks after meeting John, I leave my marriage and I pack up my stuff and I move to L.A. where John's living. And we commit our lives to each other and we've not yet kissed. And here I am on the other side of a nine-year sexless marriage feeling deeply disconnected from my sexuality with someone who's very connected to his sexuality. And I'm terrified because if I can't perform in the bedroom, will he leave? And I, you know, realized that the reason I was in that marriage for nine years and the reason I had this inclination to make my friends my romantic partners is so that I wouldn't have to feel the vulnerability of possibly being abandoned.

35:39And my dad passed when I was a little girl and I had a shitty stepdad. And so my models around love were like, desire is dangerous. Make safe choices in love so you don't get hurt or left again or you don't have to feel that pain of abandonment again. Oh, wow. And so, of course, I picked my best friend, a safe partner, a safe place in a lot of ways so I don't have to contend with those wounds. And so I thought, whoa, I thought, oh, I've done all the work. Now I'm with John. It's going to be smooth sailing. and I was very surprised when I realized that I had like intellectually done the work. I like knew my patterns.

36:21I knew where my abandonment wounds came from. I like understood my attachment style, like all, you know, all that stuff, but I had not somatically processed it because, you know, here I was like having these, like these somatic responses, these fears in my body shutting down. Like I just had this visual over the first time we were into it. And I was like standing there terrified with my arms pinned to my side. Oh, yeah. Like deer in headlights. Totally. And he was like, what am I going to do about this? It's in the book. But yeah, it was scary. And a lot of my conditioning was don't get too comfortable because as soon as things are good, something like look for the ball to drop.

37:10Right. And that had been what I experienced growing up. So like here I was. Now I'm with my person. Like this is everything I've wanted. This is the connection I've always like desired. And now I'm like waiting for something to go wrong. So I was like hypervigilant, on edge. And then I'm like, who the hell is this person that's feeling like a shell of myself? So I found the right therapist, thankfully. Thank you, Christine. I love you. And, you know, was able to unpack that. And thankfully, my friend Vienna Farren, she says we get wounded in relationships and so we heal in relationships. And I think for a while I believed I have to like do this all on my own.

37:48Right. And it was actually in the container of our relationship that I was able to face those wounds, like be honest and vulnerable about them. And he held – like was able to meet me there.

38:02So Upwork. I talk about Upwork with my clients all the freaking time. I was on the phone with one of my clients last night and I said, girl, you are no longer going to edit your podcast yourself. You are going to outsource with Upwork. This was her budget. She wanted to stay under a certain amount. So we had to find someone that would be a perfect fit for her. Upwork is really the one-stop platform where you can find, hire, and pay expert freelancers across everything from marketing and business operations to web development, design data, and so much more. So you can basically browse their profiles, look through their work, and even get help scoping for a role.

38:36I was needing to hire someone for Kajabi within our business to help us do Kajabi. And so I saw this little profile said, Oh, she seems like a great fit. We got on a call. She was incredible with Kajabi. She was so incredible, whether you're a smaller business or if you're growing really quickly, their business plus gives you an access to the top 1 % talent on Upwork with AI powered shortlisting that can match you with the right freelancer in under six hours. So this saves a lot of time. This is actually what I've been doing because it does take time to find people. It does take time to vet people.

39:06And it's kind of a thing, but I want you guys to be outsourcing more so you can enjoy your life. You can do what you need to do and you can grow your business and still have time for freedom. And Upwork is that place to have that. At Upwork.com right now, you can post your job for free, what you're looking for, who you need to support you. That's Upwork.com to connect with top talent ready to grow your business. That's U-P-W-O-R-K.com. Okay, guys, this is a little secret, but I actually did Smile Set a few years ago to upgrade and uplevel my teeth. I was feeling like there was just a little bit of shift, a little bit of movement that I wanted to have.

39:41I never wanted to get braces. I didn't want to do anything insane. And I wanted to keep it really simple and do something that was without the cost or commitment of braces and something that was affordable and at home. So I did Smile Set to just shift like a few things on my teeth. I had had braces a long time ago, but I wanted to do this to just kind of like have the up level and the upgrade. And I wanted to have the retainers all the time to keep my teeth like absolutely pristine and perfect. So Smile Set is super easy. Everything starts with the at home impression kit where you do like a little grid or an outline of your teeth to see what's going on.

40:15And then basically your personalized treatment plan is reviewed by their affiliated network of state licensed dental professionals and your aligners are shipped right to the door. So I also love that They monitor your progress through the process through the app, and you can even choose nighttime only aligners. So Smile Set can straighten your smile for under$1 ,800 with monthly payments starting at just$89. So it's powered by Smile Direct Club technology, and listeners of our show can get an additional 35 % off when they go to smileset.com slash almost 30. So with this discount, you can get really the smile of your dreams for under$1 ,300, which is crazy.

40:51So go to smileset.com slash almost 30 to get started. I think that's a myth that a lot of women believe is that they need to be healed before they get into a relationship with their person. And if I've learned anything, it's that like my marriage is like the greatest vehicle for growth that I've had in my life. Like I've done a lot of work on my own for sure. Yeah. But to heal parts of yourself and be witnessed and supported through that by someone and still loved and accepted through it. I'm like, whoa, this is that shit. It's crazy. It's like, yes, do the self work. But like, yes, because that's the foundation, of course.

41:35But I think it's you're doing yourself a disservice to try and wait to be perfect or wait to be fully healed or get the like all of the icky stuff that you think is super shameful out of the way before you meet the person. Because most likely what I've found is that my person kind of holds the unlock to some of those things because of who they are and their program. and what they're healing. And it's just such a beautiful match in a way. What have you realized is a match between you and John in terms of what you both are healing without sharing anything that you don't want to share? Yeah. We're both really sensitive to tone and conflict and we both have like triggers around that.

42:26And so, and we both, I think have, aren't always aware when the tone is present. And so like, it'll be like the delivery of what we want to say and how we can like meet each other instead of with like frustration or sharpness, which I think can be when we're like stressed or triggered our inclination, but to like, in those moments to like soften and be gentle and like talk to each other, like our son is in the room, has been a huge growth for both of us. And then, you know, his biggest wound is around, I think you'd be okay with me sharing this, is around like not feeling heard. And one of my biggest wounds is around not hearing myself.

43:08And so there will be times where he, so like, I want to really hear my intuition and knowing. And if there's too many voices or too many opinions, I find it really difficult to hear myself. And so, and this was something like, you know, mom was a little overbearing or strong opinions or like, and it was just like, I can't hear. And so when John, who's not my mom, wants to be like, oh, I think this is a really great idea. Or have you considered this? I might sometimes do like resist him and push him away, which triggers his biggest wound of like my partner who I love and respect. And I feel like I have a good idea here is not acting like a rebellious teenager and won't hear me.

43:48And so that's one that we've been unpacking a little bit recently where it's like, oh yeah, I can say, he's like, you can just be like, great idea, babe. You know what I mean? Or like, thanks for considering me and thinking about me and spending your, you know, time and energy thinking about like a story I could tell that, you know, like he's, he's, he's so in it with me. He's like, you don't have to do what I say. It's not like you have to go act on this. I'm just like offering thoughts. And so he's like, is it possible for you to like be like, thank you, but still do whatever you want to do and like hold space for both.

44:23So that's been my like, oh, this isn't him. Yeah, I can hear him and hear me. Yes. Yeah. I relate to that deeply. And I think just in new motherhood, this is good for anyone who is a new mom or maybe becoming a new mom. You're going to get a lot of noise online with friends, family. Like it was insane. Sleep experts. Yes. Sleep experts. Oh my gosh. And you can really drive yourself crazy because there is a part of you that's like, oh, maybe that's the right way. And maybe I should try that. No, maybe I should, actually that's, you know, it's like that part of your brain starts to get activated and you're so right.

45:02You really have to tune out most, most if not all of the noise. But then when your partner comes in and has their own thoughts, recommendations, intuitions, I was also similarly just very like a little protective. And also there's a part of me that thinks I know better. So what I've realized, and I'm sure you have too, it's like they're on, you know, as fathers, they're on that journey, a very similar, but different journey of like activating their own intuition. And so, yeah, it's just a fascinating thing to allow as well, you know, and that their way or thoughts or opinions, you know, might just be different and they might even work better if we allow them to.

45:48It's like, it's a wild thing. Yeah. I know. And his intuition is more, I'm like, okay, he was right about that. I know. Why does that feel so hard to admit? And, you know, outside of being parents, like you can apply this, you know, in your intimate relationships, Like I think certain people have a tendency to want to control, you know, and I am one of those people. I for various reasons and I'm sure a lot of us have those tendencies, but it's like understanding why and then practicing in like a fun way of like I'm going to let him lead on this. I'm going to like trust and let go and not need it to be perfect and not need it to be my way.

46:31and I'm usually surprised. Of course I would change some things, but like I'm usually surprised. So it's just like a, it's just an aspect of partnership that like I didn't expect to be so, Ooh, it just has helped me to grow a lot in that sense. It's like, you're not a, you're not collaborating with your partner until you have a child together. And then it's like, wait, okay, now we have like, it's not like starting a business. I don't know how to describe it. But like suddenly you have this thing that you're both responsible for and And suddenly you have to collide in ways that you never collided before because it's your greatest investment besides your marriage.

47:06It's just – it's – yeah, it's – It's a whole thing. It's intense. I want to talk about so many times in the book, especially when you're describing just various moments in your first marriage.

47:26You describe them almost as like fantasy. You know, it's like creating kind of a fantasy to kind of make you forget like what's actually going on and whether it's like a literal fantasy of like the wedding in Morocco or convincing yourself of things. And I think this is like a very relatable thing that people do where we kind of create fantasy so that the mind believes it and then we're like we're committed for another few weeks, you know, we can kind of get through. And so how now or how then did you start to catch yourself in fantasy? Like how can we, it's not like pull ourselves to reality, but just remember what's really true.

48:10Yeah. I just want to speak to like when our reality is painful to look at. Yeah. Or we don't want to accept something in our reality, we become very convincing with ourselves. Yeah. And we have to convince ourselves because it's the only way we can find our way through. And like, you know, you talked about control before. Convincing is also another, you know, coping mechanism. There were things that happened in my childhood that were too painful to look at. And so I had to convince myself everything's okay, you know, or if I just stay positive, if I hold on to hope, then I can get through this.

48:45Right. And so, you know, I think hope is a beautiful thing, but hope can also, we can mislead ourselves with it. and I had this moment when I was writing the book and I went into funny enough a slack channel that was labeled therapy and I had vividly written this scene where I tried to initiate with my then husband and he completely shuts down which ends up in the book thankfully because I wrote it so viscerally I had forgotten about that moment until I went and read it and I was like oh my god like and so I think it's when these things were happening where I didn't feel met I was jumping over them.

49:21And so like, if you're hearing this now and you're like, Ooh, that thing happened earlier, that really doesn't like feel good for me or Ooh, that's hard to face. And you're someone who tends to jump. Like the invitation is to stay, stay with the discomfort, stay with the pain of that. Let yourself feel the reality of what you're in because only when you feel the reality of what you're in, can you then decide to make a change and choose differently. And, you know, I think like if I go, if I could have gone back, I almost would have kept a journal of the, or like just like a, like a thing of when I wasn't feeling met and the things that had happened.

49:59And John, my, my husband said that, you know, when he had broken up with someone and it was just not the right relationship for a lot of reasons before me, and he would find himself fantasizing or longing for how it was actually good. His therapist had him go make a list of how he actually felt in the relationship. Go make a list of like all like the ways it did not work so that every time he was in fantasy about like that one good moment, he could bring himself back down to earth around like, no, actually I like, this is how I really felt in that relationship. Because sometimes looking back, like we're not as honest.

50:38We like, you know, so it's, it's how do we bring ourselves into the presence around how we really feel, which I know is a hard thing to do. Oh my God. It's the hardest. Did you, just speaking of therapy, like in that scene when you're in therapy with your ex-husband, it's like that level of performance in therapy is really interesting. And I've definitely done it before. And I've had to like, thankfully I've had therapists that have called me out, which is nice and kind of rude. but it's always good for people who feel, because I think this is actually really relatable and people don't talk about this.

51:20Like they feel like they can't fully be themselves in therapy. And maybe that's, that's, you know, kind of like match issue with the therapist, but I think it's also our, that performative side of us that doesn't want to show certain things or let our guard down in ways. So how did you get to a place where you could like just fully rip? Yeah. I think that there was a moment where I said to my therapist, I feel like I'm not fully comfortable here being myself, or I feel really afraid for you to see me fully right now. I named whatever was alive in me. And, you know, thankfully she like held the space for that.

51:58But I think like if you're, I feel like I'm not being honest with you. Like I wish someone would have told me when I was like, we haven't told our therapist we're not having sex. My friend would have been like, okay, go tell your therapist. Like, I'm not being honest with you about the fact that we're not having sex. Like you have to like, like name the thing, um, name the behavior because that's the whole point of therapy. I'm realizing I'm being a little performative here because I want you to like me. Um, you know, I want you to like, not think I'm that flawed or like whatever we're playing out something.

52:28And it's the purpose of that relationship is to make those things visible. so Upwork I talk about Upwork with my clients all the freaking time I was on the phone with one of my clients last night and I said girl you are no longer going to edit your podcast yourself you are going to outsource with Upwork this was her budget she wanted to stay under a certain amount so we had to find someone that would be a perfect fit for her Upwork is really the one-stop platform where you can find hire and pay expert freelancers across everything from marketing and business operations to web development design data and so much more so you can basically browse their profiles look through their work and even get help scoping for a role i was needing to hire someone for kajabi within our business to help us do kajabi and so i saw this little profile said oh she seems like a great fit we got on a call she was incredible with kajabi she was so incredible whether you're a smaller business or if you're growing really quickly their business plus gives you an access to the top 1 % talent on Upwork with AI powered shortlisting that can match you with the right freelancer in under six hours.

53:33So this saves a lot of time. This is actually what I've been doing because it does take time to find people. It does take time to vet people and it's kind of a thing, but I want you guys to be outsourcing more so you can enjoy your life. You can do what you need to do and you can grow your business and still have time for freedom. And Upwork is that place to have that. At Upwork.com right now, you can post your job for free. what you're looking for, who you need to support you. That's upwork.com to connect with top talent ready to grow your business. That's upwork.com. As we move into summer, I always want my skin to feel healthy, nourished, and glowy.

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55:13Yeah, that's the interesting thing about your relationship with your therapist. I've been with mine for like five years now. And it's like, there have been moments where you're playing out a dynamic. Yeah. That you're trying to tend to and heal, but like you're playing it out with your therapist. And like, it's kind of cool because like, it's the perfect place to be able to kind of call that out. But I love that point of just calling out what's happening, you know, and it's not like you, it's not like pointing fingers. It's just like, I'm noticing this. And I'd like to explore it with you. Yes.

55:45Like use whatever it is as material. Yes. Yeah, that's really profound.

55:53There's so much in this book. I was just curious if you had to like, it's just so deeply personal and shares so many stories from your life and shares, you know, people in your life. Did you have to have for anyone like that wants to write a memoir or just write things personal, even online? Did you have to have conversations? What was your process in putting this out and becoming unattached to how some people would feel about it. Yeah. I have a lot. I love this topic. Writing the book and editing the book are two different stages. And the book you write and the book you publish are not the same thing.

56:40Step one is to write like no one will read it. You have to, for your own memoir, in particular, you have to, for your own healing, your own processing, your own story and being and evolution, write what the hell you need to write as if no one is ever going to read that page. You can't have your mom, dad, partner, sibling in the writing room with you over your shoulder. Are you sure you're going to say that? Or if you say that you're going to hurt my feelings because then we never witness our story and the healing comes in the witnessing of our story and the acknowledgement of what really happened.

57:16And so I always, and I love, I teach writing workshops. I always have people like, you have to, the goal is to go there. And I always, I do like a two-step process, write a bad draft. So you can just get it down without your own perfectionist getting in the way and then write a brave draft. Spend five minutes on each. In the brave draft, you go through and you say, where am I not being as honest as I can be? Where can I add more truth here? What am I afraid to put down? and you allow yourself to go there in your story. Because again, just that, just seeing yourself, like the act of seeing yourself accurately is, it's so healing, it's so transformative, it's so alchemizing.

58:00Then later, once you've like written your heart out, once you've bled on the page, once you've said everything that you need to say, then you can consider like, okay, what's the story I'm really telling here? um what's the journey I want to take the reader on and like are these stories essential to the story I'm trying to tell a and like the greater intention I have which often in memoir it's there's there's some element of healing um but also like okay considering the people in my life like I can write whatever I want about my father because he's dead and so I'm not you know that one's an easy one.

58:38My stepfather, I don't no longer have a relationship with him. He's not named. I feel very comfortable saying what I need to say about that relationship. You know, my former husband, I wanted to be as honest as I needed to be, but I also like wanted to respect him and respect the nine years we shared together. So there were a few stories. I was like, Like, I don't think that like that actually doesn't feel necessary. And then, you know, with my mom, I was very honest. There were also a few things that I left out. But like are my former partner and my mom's reading the book right now, funny enough, like would they find the read uncomfortable?

59:17I'm sure. Like, I don't know if I was the main character in someone else's memoir and a memoir is my story through my eyes. It's not the whole story. It's a tell mine, not a tell all. You know, of course. that would probably be unnerving. So like, I understand the discomfort, but I think, you know, I just kept returning to like, what is the why of this book? What is the why of my work? It's liberation, it's healing. That's my story has to serve that. So, you know, I called my ex and I told him, you know, the book's coming out. I told him, I'm going to write a book. And he's like, of course you are.

59:53I know who I married. And then I was like, the book's coming out and now he's remarried and was not thrilled about the book coming out. But also, you know, I think my lesson in this lifetime or in this particular moment as a harmonizer is to tolerate other people's disappointment and disapproval so that I am not disappointing myself and to like sit with that discomfort. Like, okay, he's not thrilled. That sucks. That feels uncomfortable. Mm-hmm. Oof. Okay. I still believe in the story that I'm telling. I still feel like this was the way I was meant to tell it. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I can hold both.

1:00:30You can hold both. Yeah. It's such a deep, profound lesson. And yeah, just the impact that this book is going to make, I think, is just so deep, especially for women. So, you know, not saying that we should forget the people that might be affected in a way that they're uncomfortable, but it's like the impact I think is going to be great. And I'm so glad you wrote it.

1:01:00Are there any stories now as the book is about to come out or today or when we're recording this, it's about to come out. But when this comes out, it is out. But any stories that you are telling yourself now that you just kind of catch yourself slipping into that you're like, no, no, no, no. That's not true. Or anything that you're just kind of like, hmm, that's an interesting meme that's coming around just as my book is coming out. Yeah.

1:01:29There's been a little bit of like, oh, no, is my ex upset that he's the character in a story? Like that has been present. I unpacked it with a friend the other day. Very helpful. Mm-hmm. Um, I've like still a little bit of like, oh no, I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't disappoint anyone. So that's been there. I've been like, okay, I see that. And again, like I can hold that. Like, okay. And then I think I've been contending with last weekend, my computer crashed. I tweaked my back. I stepped on glass. My son had 103 degree fever and it was just like life being like, I know your book comes out in a week, but ha ha.

1:02:01And so there's, I, there's a part of me that wants to go into meaning making. What does this mean? Am I afraid of success? Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. And it's just like, or this is just actually sometimes what happens in life. And so it's been really a process of just like coming back to the present moment. I have much more limited time than I used to with a 10-month-old baby. But like I'm doing as much as I can with the time that I have. And like that's enough because I think, oh, no, I don't have enough time. I'm not doing enough. like it's so easy to fall into like the not enough story yes and just coming back to like I am giving this everything that I have and I love this book more than anything that I've ever created and I like this is the dream moment of my career and like yes I feel like I'm like arriving to the finish line with like spit up on me and like I'm back that hurts like I'm tired weird because I haven't slept in nine months, but like I am fully here with my like heart wide open and like, it's okay.

1:03:07It's all of it. It's everything. Yes. It's everything all at once. And it's, yeah, there's, I'm curious, you know, five years from now, you look back at this time and it's, you know, to, to birth this, to birth a child, to go, to, to go through what you've gone through to have the week that you've had, both the highs and the lows. It's like, I don't know, just the dynamic nature of your life right now. I think just like, it makes this coming out into the world just that much more like dimensional and cool. And also like you have so much that's important to you in front of you. And so, yes, this is like your life's greatest work thus far, besides your son and creating family, but you have that as well, your son, your family.

1:03:56And so it's like the perspective. And so if this were to have come out, maybe it couldn't have, but like at a different time, like, I don't know if, you know, it'd be the same experience of like being so proud, but also like letting it go out into the world and like be what it's supposed to be, you know? Yeah. I will. I have more surrender now because it's like, I don't have time to like, It's just kind of like, okay, here it is. Like with my first book, I was a stress case mess. Almost I had too much time to think about the book, you know, and it's just, yeah, there is a, there is an element of surrender and it's been, you know, to, I talked to a lot of new moms who like, I feel like they lose a part of themselves when they become a mom because, you know, and the fact that like six weeks postpartum, I'm working on edits for my book, which was not necessarily what I planned, but how it happened, like actually like gave me more energy and vitality, had me feel connected to my purpose.

1:04:50I felt like I brought more to like being a mother. So it's insane, but I wouldn't have done it any other way. Yeah. It's powerful. Last question. What is like one lesson, one thought from the book, one gem that you hope people pick up when they're reading it? we've talked a lot about the idea of not disappointing ourselves or that we will disappoint ourselves not to disappoint another so I think what's coming up is this idea of that we heal in all directions and my when I first told my grandmother the the what the story that I had lived she was like don't tell anyone about this because they're going to judge you and I'm pretty sure she was judging me because my grandfather cheated on her and left her.

1:05:39And so this, the idea of leaving was really like betraying for her. And then a year later, she called me and she said, I just want you to know that I'm so proud of you for doing the brave thing. And I would have left because I knew your grandfather was up to no good and having affairs and all of that. And like our relationship was not great by any means, but I didn't have the emotional strength or the financial resources to do what you did. And so I stayed until he left me in a very betraying way. And almost like, yeah, we, we point the finger at him for being the one who left, but like, you know, I would have left if I could have.

1:06:19And so I'm so proud of you for like doing the hard, but right thing. And just in that moment, I was like, oh my God, we heal in all directions. And as I've liberated myself from this marriage that was so not right, I'm like liberating the thinking of other generations. I'm having them rewrite their stories. And so I think when we do our healing work, it has a ripple effect. I love that. We heal in all directions. Backward and forward. Yes. I believe that. Thank you. You're the best. I'm so excited for you. This book is incredible. You must order it now if you haven't already. I think it's a great book club book.

1:06:59Yes. Are we doing like mass book clubs on this? I'm looking at our team over here. Yeah. Like it's a, it's actually, I should do one with my mom group. That's a good one. Okay. I would love that. Okay. Um, amazing. I love you. Thank you for being here. Thank you all for listening. We'll see you on the next one. Bye.

1:07:24Thank you so much, Amber Ray. The book is lovable. It is an incredible memoir, one woman's path from good to free. You can get it now anywhere books are sold. Get it, get it, get it. Start a book club around it. It is such a good book. Um, and just so many beautiful, beautiful things for us to think about, especially as women. Um, okay, y 'all, thank you. Thank you for being here. You can subscribe to us on YouTube. Uh, we are on video. That's right. You'll see my crochet sweater and linen shorts. We have a look going on today. And you can also find us on Spotify and Apple and all the platforms that you listen to pods.

1:08:08And if you want to learn more about Almost 30, go to almost30.com. It's a whole world on there. And then grab our book. It would mean the world to us if you bought our book. I believe I just saw it on Amazon and it's on sale for like 30 % off. So, so go grab it there or Barnes and Noble Target. They're local bookstores carrying our book. We appreciate the support and we will see you on the next episode. Episode two, every single week. See you later.