789. Stop Chasing, Start Choosing: Dating From Self-Worth

0:14Hello and welcome to Almost 30 Podcast, a podcast about spirituality, wellness, personal growth. We've been around for a while. We are OGs in the space. And my name is Krista Williams. I have another half to almost 30, my best friend and co-host, Lindsay Simpson. and we like to do solo episodes. So I like to just sit down with y 'all in the microphone in my beautiful studio at my house and just drop in. Almost 30 is a podcast that has amazing interviews from some of the best teachers, leaders, and facilitators in the business. We also like to have really deep intimate chats between Lindsay and I as best friends.

0:51And then we like to do solo episodes. I like to just talk about things that are going on in my life. And hopefully I can shed some insight into things that relate to you, things that expand you, things that activate you, and just provide education, resources, or support for you and your process. There's this really beautiful concept that I've been learning about from C.S. Lewis, who is a Christian mystic. He wrote Chronicles of Narnia, but he also wrote a bunch of other works. And C.S. Lewis talks about this really cool concept called the chosen ones. And one aspect and element of the chosen ones is that you often go first.

1:28So the reason why I'm saying this is not just because I feel like I'm a chosen one, but because I feel like so many people that are listening are chosen ones too. And that means that you will be someone that goes through a lot of hard times and experiences and struggles quite a bit. But in the end, you become a teacher of that medicine. You become a teacher of that wisdom. And so in my process of teaching what I go through and teaching the things that I struggle with, my hope is that you can learn from my process. My hope is that you can glean some insight or wisdom from what I'm going through.

2:03My hope is that my pain and my process can become a part of the things that you learn from. Also, go check out Chosen Ones. It's actually a really dope concept that I can do a podcast on later because I just love C.S. Lewis. You guys never know what's in my earbuds. I'll say that. So for anyone that's new to the podcast, welcome. I'm so grateful that you're here. We have 800 plus episodes for you. We have a second podcast called Morning Microdose that's really powerful. It's like a TikTok for podcasts. It's so good. Almost30.com, you know, Almost30 podcast on YouTube, Instagram, all the things.

2:38So my name's Krista. I've been doing this for quite a while now, and I'm someone that has shared my process very vulnerably and openly. And one of the processes that I've been sharing is about dating. So I was in a relationship for 10 years. I've been in a relationship with someone since I was like 15, maybe 14. I've been in all long-term relationships in my life. And this is the first time in my life that I've ever dated or I've ever been single. So post that 10-year relationship, I was single for a year. And so I've been dating for about a year now, I would say a little over a year. And it has been such a freaking rocket ship of learning, such a journey, such a process, and it's been so much fun.

3:23And so what I want to say today is I want to talk about some things that I'm no longer available for in dating and things that I am available for in dating after spending a year in this dating portal and this dating process. There's been so much that I've learned, so much that I've processed, so much that I've experienced, and it's just been something that I'm so grateful to have had the opportunity to go through because it's just made me so much more clear on who I am, on what I want, and how I want to live. And it's just given me this opportunity of growth that I don't think I would have ever had being in that relationship.

3:56I had done so much growth. I mean, became who I was in that previous relationship. But now it's like this mini, these situationships, y 'all. I mean, what? Do you want to see yourself clearly? Get into a situationship. They're going to show you what you need to do to clean up your boundaries, to clean up your self-worth to check in on who you are and who you say you want to be. I mean, situationships are portals for growth if you want them to be. Anything that's painful, anything that gives us friction in life is a growth opportunity. So the first, let me go through all the things after being in this dating process for a little over a year now, having a relationship in this year, having situationships, having people I just went on dates with, having lovers, you know, all that.

4:45So the first things, I'm going to talk about what I'm no longer available for in dating. This came through very recently. And this first thing is making a meal out of a breadcrumb. Making a meal out of a breadcrumb. Okay, let me explain. So your girl does her thing. I'm at the gym. The gym is my spot. There is many gym men, many gym men that I'm just gym menning with. You know, some are my friends, some I kiki with, there's some hotties. There's one that is fine. I'm interested. And I have had conversations with him. We're kind of back and forth, da, da, da, da. And my friend was on the phone with me the other day and she's like, hey, is there anything happening with blah, blah, blah?

5:31And I was like, in my head, there really wasn't any updates. But I started to like see myself pulling and trying to pull information that I could process and talk about when there was nothing really happening. Like realistically, we had had a conversation that day. The ball didn't move forward. We weren't going on a date. Nothing really happened except I had a conversation with a man. So here I was in my mind with my friend trying to be like, oh yeah. And then I noticed myself trying to be like, yeah, well, we talked today. And he said this, and I said this, and then I left. And he was like this.

6:05And it's like, no, nothing happened. I had a friend call me the other day. I was on the phone processing with a friend for a while. And we were on the phone for around two hours. And it's helpful to have people in your life that can clearly show you not only patterns they're in, but also you're in. So I'm not judging this person because it showed me something about myself. But we were processing someone that was basically texting her once a week. Yep. No more than once a week. Maybe he's this, he's probably this, his parents are this, and I know he grew up like this. Part of his patterning is like this, but when we were together this, and I'm like, if someone's just texting you once a week, there's nothing to process.

6:50If someone is just saying hi to you at the gym, there's nothing to process. and I am no longer drawing my energy or having my energy siphoned to spend hours on the phone with my friends processing something that isn't even happening. Yo, oh yeah, you know, he texted me and he said this and, you know, reminded me I was curious about this. And then I responded and he said, and I'm, yeah, you know, and then he liked my photo, but it was crazy because I saw he followed a girl. And then he, you guys, what are we doing here? Making meals out of breadcrumbs. These are breadcrumbs. Liking photos on Instagram, following you, having a conversation that leads nowhere.

7:34You know, one text, like sending you a spiritual meme is nothing. Do not spend your energy making a meal out of a breadcrumb. Your life force energy is being wasted. My life force energy has been wasted. I was sitting here the other day and I was like, I'm actually unavailable for this. I've spent too much time doing this. I have businesses to run. I have money to make. I have people to love. I have pets to pet. I have dogs to say hi to. I have flowers to smell. I have so much better things to do than be like, what did that tech say? What does that mean? He texted me once this week. No. Don't care.

8:26Nope. No more making a meal out of a breadcrum. Okay? That means at the very highest level, we are not processing nothing. You guys, this is me saying to myself, Krista, you can't be on the phone with your friends for six hours a day, okay? My part-time job is processing with my friends. It's really a problem. And it's not always guys, to be honest. It's actually guys one third of the time. But when it is related to dating, I will process something until the cows come home and I just, it's a waste of my time. I should be clear enough in the way that I'm acting and the way that I'm moving and what's being shown to me and what's showing up for me and confident in myself to not always need to process everything.

9:08Hey, man, I don't need to process this one thing that they said or this one thing that they did or that one energy shift that we had on the date. No. I can just be like, hey, that is what it is. I'm moving on. So have more discernment and boundaries with yourself around this. Notice when you're in the unconscious loop of processing everything in your life until you die. It's like those memes. Oh, you took it so well. Thanks. I was on the phone with my friend for 28 hours processing the newest detail. Hey, I've been there. It's a waste of time. And it's honestly wasting your life force energy and preventing you from building the dream business, finding your purpose, finding the real relationship.

9:57The person that you're meant to be with, and I'm saying this without any real data or evidence, okay? So just trust me. The person you're meant to be with, you won't need to process everything with your friend. You won't need to send him every text. I said this every day. I said this the other day on my broadcast channel. I said, let me trust and believe that my husband will never have a text image sent to my friends because I'll never need to. I'll never need to wonder or guess or need help processing or reading or understanding or da-da-da-da.

10:29BetterHelp. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. You guys have heard us talk about BetterHelp for a long time. But one thing we don't always talk about is just how many people genuinely love the experience. So if you're curious about therapy and you want to support yourself in your life, I highly suggest using BetterHelp. It just kind of breaks down the barrier of cost, of time, of availability. You can chat with your therapist on text. You can get in sessions super easily. It really makes it easy for you to take care of yourself. And I think therapy has been one of the things that has changed my life more than anything.

11:01I would say meditation, therapy, stopping drinking have been my things. The reviews of BetterHelp are updated every day. And it's great to hear from the people that say they love it and have actually used to the service so you can look at the reviews if it's going to be helpful for you. And the average live therapy session actually has a 4.9 out of five based on 1.7 million client session reviews. And more than 6 million people have used BetterHelp globally. So if you're thinking about starting therapy, you answer a few questions, you get matched with a therapist based on your needs, and if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time.

11:34You can see the reviews, what stands out, and see if BetterHelp is a right fit for you. Use betterhelp.com slash almost 30. That's betterhelp.com slash almost 30. That's betterhelp.com slash almost 30. Okay, guys, this is a little secret, but I actually did Smile Set a few years ago to upgrade and uplevel my teeth. I was feeling like there was just a little bit of shift, a little bit of movement that I wanted to have. I never wanted to get braces. I didn't want to do anything insane. And I wanted to keep it really simple and do something that was without the cost or commitment of braces and something that was affordable and at home.

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13:03So with this discount, you can get really the smile of your dreams for under$1 ,300, which is crazy. So go to smileset.com slash almost 30 to get started. And so that is actually another thing that I'm no longer doing in dating. I'm no longer sending text conversations and screenshots to my friends. my subscriber channel on Instagram. Hey, we don't know. My subbies, they get the tea. My subbies get all the tea. They know they get the tea. They'll get a screenshot every once in a while for a teaching moment for teaching. But in actuality, the relationship that I want to be in is not made in energy.

13:43That's so made in energy. That's so girl energy to be like, oh my God, he said this. And then what am I going to do about this? And oh my gosh, no. to be a wife and a woman that is in a deep committed partnership doesn't mean I'm sending screenshots to people. I actually don't even send images of the men and I don't even say their names to people anymore. Because I'm like, until it's important, until it's relevant, until it's means something to me, I don't even need you guys to even know what's up. I'm going to move through this on my own and in my own process. And I don't need for every friend to know what he looks like, Like to know his name, to know his bank account number, to know where his parents are from, to read, to know everything he's telling me on text.

14:28Like that's actually kind of inappropriate. And I wouldn't want someone to do that to me unless they're saying all good things. Unless they're bragging about me. For real. For real. That's so fucked up. It's so true though. But it's like, just like, let it just unfold naturally. Let it happen naturally. You're also really, really, really taking the magic away from it. you guys, oh my gosh, this is a secret. This is tea. But the more I've gotten ahead of myself, the more it's ended something that was meant to happen. This happened with a dude recently, my boy, me and my boy were cruising. I got a little too ahead of myself.

15:06I started to like think, I'm like, oh yeah, this is the whatever. He's this and this and this. And you know, didn't end up happening. I think because I got too emotionally invested and attached to the outcome rather than just enjoying the experience. So then energetically, it shifted rather than me just being present, allowing what's meant to happen, happen, staying in the present moment. This is so hard. I know. I'm not saying something that's easy. But the more you can stay unattached and present to the moment and curious and just say, oh, I would love to have this experience. That's it. Sounds good.

15:35I'm unattached. The better it will be. So I'm not sending text messages. I'm not sending screenshots. I'm not sending images to other people. I'm not having my 12 friends get all of the tea of every situation. I'm actually not processing as much with people as I was. You know, at first it was so entertaining. I mean, part of the heartbreak of me stepping into a relationship is like being afraid to not be the most entertaining person. Because when you're going on dates with billionaires and athletes and you're freaking doing your thing and you have LA fuckboys to tell stories about, I mean, come on.

16:14It is entertainment. You are the life of the party. All the mamas with their babies are like, let me hear the tea because it's entertaining. So it's having to let go of having that to talk about, having that entertainment, having that like kiki, that gossip energy, having that to talk about. You know, I'm kind of like going to be grieving having this to talk about so much, but I know that there's a more mature texture. There's a more evolved texture, and there's a texture that wants to come through that doesn't involve me sharing every single detail of everything. And I'm not as bad as some people.

16:49Some of my friends, girl, shoot. But it's something I want to leave behind, something I'm no longer doing in dating. So I'm no longer making a meal of a breadcrum. I'm no longer processing nothing and turning around things up, down, side to side for no reason. And I'm no longer sending text messages to others. And the last thing that I'm no longer doing is I'm no longer saying yes to something that's not a hell yes. So in dating, everyone's like, you should give it a shot. You should try it. You should go on a second date, see what happens. Not for me. I know right away. And if it's meant to be, it will stay around.

17:32But if not, it's a no for me. I was saying yes to so many maybes. And honestly, it was just like confusing for them and keeping people around in a way that I felt I would change my opinion, but I have not yet had a situation where I changed my opinion and it was good. So I was keeping people around, not trusting my intuition because I was trusting what other people were saying that I should give people a shot when I know. This is the thing. I'm so intuitive. I'm so psychic. I know how my path is going to be as far as dating. I know that I will know. Whether it's knowing right away or knowing when it's happening, I know that I will know 100 % in my body, 100%.

18:18I have no doubt. That's how I roll. I know he will know. And so I can trust that if I feel maybe, it's a no. I wasn't listening to my intuition. There was a situation where I was dating someone. I first met them and was like, huh, this is what I felt. Huh. Okay. And then they hit me up and they kind of like had all the things to say. They were like, you know, pretty smooth. I'm like, okay. But I'm still like, huh, go on the date with them. And I'm like, huh, they're persistent. My body is saying no, but I'm like, huh, go on the second date. And I'm like, it's an amazing date. And then I'm like, huh.

19:10And then, all that to say, this man turns out to be unwell. He's such a fuckboy. He's unwell. An illness. This is an illness. Needs clinical support. Needs diagnosis. The texture of LA fuckboy is so intense. It's crazy. I can do a whole thing about that. But anyways, anyways, I knew the whole time and I wasn't listening. I wasn't trusting that. I was like, I thought the huh was like a maybe. It's like a huh is a no. So now at this point, you know, I went on a date recently and it was a beautiful date of an amazing man. He's going to be an amazing man to someone like for real quality. And it was just not a hell yes for me.

19:57And so I was like, you know what? I have to be honest. Like I want you to have a hell yes. And I want that too. And so I'm sending you so much love. You're an amazing man. You're so quality. But I really want the hell yes. And that's my truth. I want the one that has no resistance for me, no hesitation for me. I've done enough healing. I know my yeses and I know my noes. So there could be a point in your process where you don't know your noes or your yeses yet. That was me for so long. I didn't know what a true yes felt like in my body. I didn't know what a true no felt like in my body. And maybe that's the work here is to find out what a true yes feels like in your body and what a true no feels like in your body.

20:38And then you can move forward. But at this point, I know and I can trust my intuition. So I'm listening to my intuition immediately. How do I feel around this person? Do I feel safe? Do I feel connected? Do I feel seen? you know, like what is the thing? Even the relationship that I was in, you know, I knew the whole time that it wasn't, but I really enjoyed this person. And when I first met them, I had a, huh? I literally met them. And I was like, I honestly, truthfully, it was like, this person is so hot. But I was like, huh? And usually a huh for me is a karmic relationship. It's something that's going to teach me something.

21:19So it always ends up good, but it's something I'm not listening to. It's something I'm not paying attention to. So what I am available for in dating at this point is making everything a growth opportunity, making every single thing a growth opportunity. And I know I sound like 5am bro culture when I say that? I'm like, make it all growth. Make it work for you. Use this for your growth advantage. But in life, I see everything for good. I see everything as opportunity. I see everything as a chance to know myself more deeply, love myself more deeply, be better, to flex my skills. You know, an example and some of the ways in which I've really grown in this process is being able to speak my truth and being able to have hard conversations.

22:17So what I have mastered in this process is the breakup conversation, whether that's first date, second date, letting them down easily, kindly, naturally in a way that feels respectful of them, kind of them. I've never ghosted anybody. I've never not replied to anybody. I've always been kind and I've always been loving. And so I use that as a growth opportunity. How can I say no and be loving? How can I say no and be clear? How can I be discerning and still do it with love? How can I speak my truth? And I'm honoring my yes and my no. That's a huge growth opportunity. So instead of seeing it like, oh my God, I have to say to let him down and I feel bad for him and oh, you know, this is so annoying, you know, no.

23:01Great. I cannot wait to flex my muscle of discernment, of truth speaking, of expression, and of love, of love to this person. in the breakup conversations that I've had in my relationships, you know, the way that I run them now, because I had such a really beautiful experience in my divorce, having a really profound breakup conversation, but the way that I run them now is masterful, you guys. I should teach a mother effing masterclass. And do you guys want to know? The younger version of me in high school and in college, girl, the way I would have a breakup conversation is by cheating on you. I'm sorry.

23:41That was what I did. I was bad. I was bad news bears. I would cheat or I would start a new relationship or I would freak out or I would like, it was not good. I did not know how to communicate well. I did not know how to regulate. I did not know how to find my truth. I did not know how to like have a healthy breakup conversation, have healthy conflict repair. and now so much of my life is about clear, honest conversation and staying in integrity. So going from someone that was just a whole lot of no idea how to do it, most of my exes from the younger years probably are wounded from me, to now being at a place, and I've been wounded.

24:22Don't get it twisted. I've been cheated on. I've been wronged. I've been all that. But to be at a point now where I'm a master at the breakup conversation and the way that I run and operate them and what I'm really taking on to the next phase of my life is being able to have hard conversations with love and also use it for my growth. So an example, one that I had recently was like getting on the phone and just asking to lead. You know, I, as a communicator, as a facilitator, as someone that is deeply in my heart, I just want to lead. Hey, can I lead this conversation? And it doesn't mean I'm in my masculine.

24:53It just means I'm in my truth and my heart. This is what I've gotten from this relationship. You know, you have been so meaningful to me. You helped really open my heart. You showed me parts of me that I haven't seen before. I really loved how you communicated with me. I loved how you made me feel seen. I really love how you're so expressive. I love how you're so attentive. I love how you're so communicative. That's been so beautiful and beneficial to my life. And in this process, I've learned so much about myself. And I'd love to share a little bit about what I learned. I learned that I still go for men that are unavailable.

25:28I learned that I still go for men that I want to choose me. And I also learned that I still have wounding around my fear of commitment. And it's been so beautiful. And I'm so grateful for the opportunity to be with you to learn all of those things. And I know now what I want in my next relationship. And I'm really thankful for this experience. And I do feel like this is the end of the road for us. And I feel like we've done what our souls came here to do. and I feel like I've gotten so much out of it and I hope you've gotten so much out of it too. And I'm here to hold space for any reflections that you have.

26:01Boom. What I learned, what I noticed, what I grew through, what's the next step, what's the boundary, what's the space opening? And not only are you impressing that man and making him want more, by the way, if that's the intention, but you're also giving the universe clarity on what you're no longer available for and the lessons that you learned so that you can move on. So when I'm saying, I noticed I'm still going for unavailable men, I'm calling out to the universe that I'm no longer available for that. Hey, universe, I've learned my lesson. I no longer want unavailable men. Hey, universe, I usually go for men that I want to choose me.

26:39I'm no longer available for that. I'm seeing this pattern with consciousness, and I'm saying no to the experience in the future. So I'm really using each opportunity as an opportunity for growth, as an opportunity to become more of who I came here to be, as an opportunity to learn about myself. In my last situation, all of those things I learned. I learned that I still go for men that are unavailable in some way. I learned that I go for men that have a lot of women around them because I want to be chosen. I learned that I cannot listen to my intuition because I knew from when I first met them, this wasn't it.