795. The Monogamy Debate: K+L Answer Your Rawest Relationship Questions

20:47Like in the car. It's like, turn left. I'm like, shut up. She doesn't like authority. I don't like authority. I don't like literally anyone telling me what to do, including AI.

21:01Okay. Also, Chat Daddy, I was like with my makeup artist today and we were doing our astro cartography on Chat Daddy and it - It was not accurate. God, it was not. I was like, it was like da-da-da-da-da-da. And it was like someone like you, a Leo Moon. And I'm like, I'm not a Leo Moon. Yeah, that's a thing. I literally go, I'm not a Leo Moon dog. And he goes, oops, ha-ha, Sag Moon. I was like, what? It literally just goes, oops, ha ha, sorry. I was like, dude, you're like, people are like building their whole lives off of you. Like, what do you mean? Don't oops, ha ha. Yeah, I just had it wrong.

21:30Lindsey Simcik:I wonder if it went from one type of astrology to another real quick where it's like, oh, let's try this one. Let me ask it. Why? Like, why'd you mess that up? Like, oh, I also was like, tell me about, like, what do you think about me today? And it was like, said this, I was like, this is stupid. Why did you mess my astrology up? Up, bro. Why did you? Why did you? Oh, no. I said, you said Leo. Leo Moon. I'm not. Oh, got it. You're absolutely right to call that out. Like, it affirms you. Not sure where the Leo Moon slip came from. And maybe a confusion on my end. Dude. Dude, what? get it right get it tight that's his chat daddy's a man uh um okay so we got some questions some of these are really juicy juice so um they were a little longer so we made them digestible

22:35Lindsey Simcik:um okay my boyfriend and I are talking about moving in together but he has a really close female best friend. They FaceTime every night type of close. I trust him, but I also feel kind of sidelined. Is this a deal breaker or just my insecurity talking?

22:53Move in and answer the phone every night instead of him.

22:56Lindsey Simcik:Yeah. Hey, babe. Hey, girl. What's up? I don't like this. I think it's more so I don't I'm not saying he's cheating. I don't think maybe it's not anything more than a friendship. But I think when you have a romantic in this dynamic, a woman in your life, you have to be mindful of the other women in your life taking up space. And it's not to say that you can't have female friendships as a guy. I think that's fine and healthy, but you have to be very aware of like the space that they're taking up, the priority that you're giving them potentially over your partner and how that can affect, especially your female partner.

23:41Like I, I think a lot of guys might chalk it up to being like,

23:45Lindsey Simcik:you're crazy. Don't overreact, but it's like how you do one thing is how you're going to do everything. So if you're prioritizing your female best friend at night on a FaceTime over having a catch-up conversation at the end of the day with your girlfriend and connecting with her in person in a real way, something feels a little off or the priorities feel a little off to me. Every night? That's weird. What? That's codependent. That's so weird. Every night? You're doing – who does anything every night? I know. It almost feels very high school. Like I used to talk to my friends every night on the phone.

24:24I used to talk to all the boys that liked me, but I didn't like them every night.

24:27Lindsey Simcik:Yeah. You know? You're like, oh. Five o 'clock. It's Rick's time. Honestly, I'm like three way with Brandon and Tom.

24:36They're all like, why are you guys here? Honestly, dude, multitasking. I mean, I just think it's crazy. And I'm, I'm going to call myself out here that you should feel empowered to say something for sure. Like to be like, Hey, this doesn't work for me. I think I've realized more. I'm like growing up in Ohio, so conservative. I think it's embedded in me more than I think. Not conservative even politically, but it's like conservative in the values. Sure. Where I'm like, no, I don't want you to be talking to a woman more than me. Am I crazy? Or just like, yeah, the FaceTime is really interesting.

25:16Lindsey Simcik:And FaceTime's a thing. You can text your friends. You can like say, hey, what's up? How are you? before bed? That's the last face you see before bed? What are you talking about? It's like a very sacred time. Andy, you're moving in together? What? That's just a no. Yeah, it's a no for me. But I think your point of like, you know, this, I'm not really comfortable with this. Yeah. And I do think then it can open the door to just having a conversation about like what it's bringing up for you, why maybe he feels like he has to do that or wants to do that. hopefully there could be an honest conversation.

25:52I can't wait to be my man. Cause there's just no world in which I'm going to have to be like, Hey, this is bringing up. What do you think it's bringing up? No, no. Come on. Like this is the whole thing. It's like, even, I mean, I just got out of a situation like this, but even having to explain why that makes you uncomfortable is psychotic.

26:08Lindsey Simcik:Well, that's the thing where like, I think what's concerning me about this is that there seems to be like no acknowledgement from her boyfriend of like, I can totally see how this will bother you. Like, so the non acknowledgement is either that he knows it could bother her, but he's ignoring it. Or there's kind of that like ego of like, this is something I want to do and I don't care how it affects her. And like, or I'm not, I'm not even like aware of my partner's feelings. You know what I mean? Unless she says something directly. I think as partners, yes, communication verbally is very important, but energetically you have to be tuning into each other and picking up on things.

26:52Lindsey Simcik:It's a natural part of relationship. I don't mean in a codependent way, but I mean in a loving way of like, I'm feeling like something might be off and I would love to talk to you. Is there anything you want to share? Anything you feel like is unsaid? like you know you know what i mean yeah i think that would saying if there's anything left unsaid i don't know if what elicit a response because a man would be like what no meaning i i would want him to like have that emotional maturity to like pick up him not having the oh yeah that's what i'm talking about maturity to say you know what she's a little stressed lately or a little like on edge about this like picking it up and then being like, let's talk about it rather than letting her stew, letting her wonder, letting her look crazy when she's not.

27:44Yeah. I think it would be something you'd have to talk about before moving in. Like, Hey, what would be the conversation that's like regulated? Like, I love you so much. I'm so looking forward to our next step. And when I think about that and the deepening that we're going to be having and the like greater prioritization of our relationship, you know, some things come up for me. And one of those is the relationship that you have with your best friend or with your friend where you're talking and connecting really deeply and intimately during a time that will be for us in our home. And I'm curious about how that transition is going to happen because I'm going to want your undivided time when we're in bed.

28:28yes period i think that's a great one and then he'll say i love you so much he told you that

28:35Lindsey Simcik:but also um we're adults and i don't think you need to be on the phone with anyone every single day for more than fucking half an hour like i'm like averse to the phone so i'm probably an extreme case but i just think like you do that in high school you did that a little bit in college, but then like, I feel like you start to just like want to carve out your own time and realize like the little mini codependencies you have with certain friends where it's like, oh my God, we didn't talk on the phone. Like, what does that mean? Totally. It's like, you just kind of detangle from that. Yeah. And I'll help you why.

29:13Lindsey Simcik:Um, great question though. I will say being pregnant again has made me even more intentional about the choices I'm making. I've done a few episodes on this. I found myself reading labels more closely, investing in higher quality products, and asking what do I actually trust enough to use every single day? My standards have definitely gotten higher. That's one of the reasons Ritual has remained part of my routine. Their essential prenatal is the number one best-selling prenatal and the only leading prenatal backed by its own human clinical trial. I also really appreciate the experience of taking it.

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31:12Lindsey Simcik:I've also been taking their berberine because most berberine absorbs at less than 1%, and theirs was designed to deliver significantly better bioavailability to support metabolism, blood sugar, and craving support. Start taking supplements your body can actually absorb. Go to absorbmore.com and enter almost 30 at checkout for up to 35 % off your first order. That's absorbmore.com and enter almost 30 at checkout for 35 % off your first order. Okay. I'm newly married and suddenly questioning if I even believe in monogamy. I love my husband, but part of me wonders if we rushed into a structure that doesn't actually fit me.

31:54Lindsey Simcik:Is that normal or is it just cold feet post-wedding?

32:04I'm just trying to think about what I want to share. Let me just say something. When I was in a relationship that wasn't working, I was like, maybe I'm polyamorous.

32:17Lindsey Simcik:I was like, you know, maybe like... I do remember you saying something like... What did I say? No, you said something like, you know, who knows what'll happen later in life, which you may still believe. That's true. Hey, that's what I'll say with anything. Who knows what'll happen later in life? Yeah, that's true. I have the right to become a poly freak next year. But I'll say that when I was not having my needs met and wanting to leave, I was curious about that. And I think it was probably a bridge for something. Not that I'm saying everyone that's poly is like that because I do, you know, poly could work for some people if they're all in integrity and sovereignty.

32:55But I'd be curious of what exactly you'd be looking, in all seriousness, what you'd be looking to get out of having an additional connection from that. If it's, and usually what, you know, Esther Perel talks about is cheating is usually how that person makes you feel, not about the connection. So it makes you feel sexy or vivacious or seen or powerful or whatever the things are. So what is it that you're looking to feel from that additional connection? And then seeing, you know, if you can cultivate it in your relationship first. I'm trying to think if I've ever known, I only know, maybe I know a few, two couples where they've opened up and closed successfully.

33:34I don't know. Most I've heard, because I'm in Los Angeles, baby. Everybody's doing their thing. So most I think haven't worked or something has happened. But I know a lot of people that do like play parties and like kind of experiment. But they're very deeply spiritual, deeply resourced, deeply communicative, deeply with all the words, like they have all the words in the language to be able to do that. So. Yeah.

34:04Lindsey Simcik:And I, and I wonder about that too, where like, you know, we kind of, and maybe it is spiritual. I think it is spiritual, but also like we over spiritualize sometimes where we're like, okay, here's the right container and here's the words we use to kind of make it okay. But then usually for one of the people, maybe, maybe both, but usually one of the people like it's like not acknowledging their just like raw emotional experience of it. We're usually one person wants it more than the other. And then you're just kind of like, I'm not fucking okay with this. And then like, you know, there's a very public example of this right now that I'm sure a lot of you know about.

34:47Lindsey Simcik:But I think if we bypass that like raw reaction or emotional response to something like this, like her husband's response to if she were to say, I would love to explore being with other people as well, just allowing him to have that very raw emotional response and kind of all the colors of it. Because I think in the spiritual community, it's like, this is a part of your growth and evolution and whatever, which is like fine and maybe true for some people, but maybe for some people it's like not right for them and they can't be manipulated into like believing that it is, you know what I mean? Based on like spiritual principles.

35:32Lindsey Simcik:Of course. You can say no. Yeah. You can absolutely say no. In relationships. But I think to her, so she's wondering, she's kind of feeling like that post wedding, like, ooh, like monogamy feels a little constrained is what I'm like hearing. Yeah. Yeah. And I think to your point, it's just - Maybe your man's a snooze. Getting really clear too about like, what does that mean to you? Like what about the structure feels constricting? Is it that there's only one person or is it that you guys are kind of in an autopilot? Yeah. Like, can you bring some novelty into the relationship? Can you switch up your routine?

36:11Lindsey Simcik:Can you travel? Can you like go on a journey of like a new experience that you both are pursuing together? Maybe it's like something challenging, but fun, or maybe like an aspect of your health journey that you could do together. But I just think we forget that we can bring novelty into our relationships and it could change so much. We can see different aspects of ourselves and our partner. When I think that's sometimes what we're seeking is like the new or the other when it could be available to us right here if we explore it or we're willing to explore it. I'm curious if evolutionarily, I forget if that's a word, but if we will move more toward, because like tribal and tribes, it was more polyamorous.

37:00In Sex at Dawn, it talks a lot about that, which is a really great book, even if you're not poly. And so I do, I'm curious if like there will be more evolution to that. I'm not saying it's more evolved, but I'm just saying with the way things are going as far as like people breaking down paradigms and structures, I don't know.

37:24Lindsey Simcik:Yeah, totally. It's obviously not my preference, but I just get curious about it. And I was saying this the other day, I'm like, the lack of quality men makes it a more scarce resource for women. And so I'm curious to see if more women will be available to be one of the women of one quality man. You know? Because I'm talking about like, you know, Logan Urie's work and Scott Galloway's work and, you know, all the work that's kind of been coming out about how men are less educated, men are earning less. Men are less emotionally available, emotionally attuned. Men are just like not really up to snuff right now as far as how far advanced or how much women are growing and how powerful women are becoming.

38:12And I'm saying this not like happy about it. It's not my preference to have this happening. But with that, I think there will be less men that are viable. And so I'm curious if men with more resources will have more potential and availability to have more women like a king or like a, you know, in a kingdom. Which feels like a power play to me. For sure. A hundred percent. Of course. Talking about resource scarcity. Yeah. Like resource scarcity. Where they're like, yeah, you don't have a huge selection. So here's all you got. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't know. I mean, maybe I'm just like a philosopher at heart.

38:55I'm just exploring what's obviously not my preference. But yeah, I think – also I think with that situation with her back to that, I think you have to be ready to – you have to know that there is a risk that you will – the relationship will be ruined. I think you'd have to understand that in the deepest of your heart. For sure. Like doing this will – there's a great potential that this will ruin the relationship. Could make it better. Of course there's always that potential, but like you have to be ready to be like saying goodbye to the relationship. Yeah. Yeah, and it's like if you had a partner that said that and like could you come back from it?

39:28I know. I had a friend, one of my really good friends, she told her husband she wanted to be open. And we laugh about it now, like, all the time. Because he was like, okay, man. He just was like, what? He, like, literally, like, laughed about it. He's like, okay. And, like, didn't take it seriously at all. And now they're, like, better than ever. Wow. Yeah. It was just expressing the desire. Yeah. Just let her just express and, like, experiment. You know, just say that and, like, be, you know, he was like, okay.

39:55Lindsey Simcik:But also I'm sure that confidence that he had in that and being like, okay, whatever, like turned her on. For sure. I can see that. 100%. That's so true. Where it's like. Yeah. He was like, okay. I bring it up every time. We like laugh our asses off. Like remember when she wanted to be open? Now they have like two kids and like life is about their kids, you know, like so. But I also think just acknowledging right after a wedding, just that feeling of like a life change. Give yourself a moment. Avoidance of intimacy too. Yeah. Yeah. There's just like, it can feel like everything's changed or maybe you were hoping for a change and it feels like there's no change.

40:43Lindsey Simcik:You know, I think people have different experiences of getting married where they're like, oh, it's just the same. And they were hoping for it to be different. Yeah. Or the other way around where they're like, no, like it's just going to be more of the same and I love him. And then it like feels completely different depending on people's reaction to marriage. But just like give yourself a moment because it's – some people have the low after the wedding, just emotionally, internally because it's like it can be such a high. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's a good one. I forgot about the after the wedding thing because it could be fear of intimacy.

41:15You know, you just had made a big decision. You could want to run. And so you want to run and find a different connection to not have the depth with that person. Yes. Yeah.

41:24Lindsey Simcik:Because I think that's what monogamy calls you to is like the depth. Staying here. And is, yeah, the commitment, which can be like very uncomfortable at times.

41:36Lindsey Simcik:Let's do one more. Okay. I'm 35 and I've been with my partner for seven years. We're solid. But I recently met someone who made me feel alive in a way I haven't in years. I didn't cheat, but now I'm questioning everything. Do long-term relationships just evolve or is this a sign I'm settling?

41:56Lindsey Simcik:What do you think? I think to your point earlier about like soul connections, I think that is so real and it can feel like romance. So you could feel like, whoa, like I'm not getting that exact same experience with my partner in that way, or we haven't gone there yet. And so it can feel kind of, you're smiling at me, so I know you want to say something, but I think there's something to the soul connection that can kind of like trip you up. I haven't had that since Sean, but I've had soul connections in my life that have come in when I've been like dating other people and I'm like, oh, like they just kind of like did a little system trip where I'm like, but I do think there's information there.

42:55Lindsey Simcik:Maybe you are meant to be with them, but maybe there's aspects of what they're bringing, the energy or the opportunity they're bringing to go a little bit deeper that like you could clock as maybe a desire that you have that you can bring to your current relationship, something that you can communicate a little bit more clearly. Yeah. But I don't know, someone who's cheated before, like I would be, I would think hesitant to like just go for that like golden carrot in front of me and be like, oh, this feels so good. let me go. Honestly, I think, I wonder if it feels better for people to just release the, cause it's like, if you feel the spark, then you're like, this is bad.

43:39And you're like, this is bad. Something's wrong. And what if you were just like, Hey, that's just another person that I'm vibing with. Totally. And I have the four, I have the prefrontal cortex discernment to say, I'm not going to have sex with them and leave my relationship. Yep. But I just had a moment and it felt good and it was interesting. And I think that's what I want to cultivate in my next level because I've had so many of those that I'm just like, I can't take these fully seriously and I can't feel bad about them. Yeah. I think that's a really important point. So I think it's just like freeing yourself.

44:10Dropping the shame. Yeah. It's like the shame

44:12Lindsey Simcik:kind of keeps you in the loop of like, what is this? What is this? Yeah. Like also, because I'm thinking about, I am thinking about though, in the relationships that were ending or needed to end, I did have that with a lot more people. And when I was really connected and attuned to my partner, I've never had that. And so I don't know if it – I don't know if my experience is the same as yours, but for me it did – it was an indicator that there was. Yeah. So it's almost like – it's almost like your desire not being met in your current relationship is almost like a little radio signal and you're kind of like calling in an experience that kind of satisfies that.

44:59And so it kind of tickles your fancy, you know? I mean, you'd almost make it up. Like I remember like at my first job, I was in a long-term relationship with someone for like five years at that point, I think three or four or five, I don't know. And I was like obsessed with my boss, one of my bosses, not the one that was a creep. But this man was the most emotionally unavailable person you could ever, you couldn't meet anyone more emotionally unavailable. And the way that I was like upset, it was so crazy. Like now I look back, I'm like - Did you ever do anything? No. No, no. He literally was like - Not available.

45:35Like so unavailable. If I could get that man to smile, I would go scream to the moon, and screamed to the mountaintops. Like he would, he would reply to me, Y-N-T-H-X. Like he was, so, but we had, you know, our meetings and I would do my best to just like work it and like get a crack of a smile. I still don't think he's in a relationship. He's like just whatever. But I was like, I started to focus on this person when I had this other, you know what I mean? Because I knew the relationship was ending and that person that I was with was very emotionally available. Yeah.

46:13Lindsey Simcik:And maybe at that age, it wasn't as attractive as it would be now. Yeah. I think I just, it's not my person. So that's one thing.

46:26I don't know if I was comfortable being with someone that was so emotionally available. Yeah, exactly. You know? So I was like, let me go to this stone wall. Yeah. Let me try and crack this stone wall of a human. Everyone, like my work wife, Cassidy would be like, what the fuck is this? I used to go on jogs by his house. Oh, yes. Yeah. I'd like walk around and run around like in circles around his house. Psychotic. Yeah, that's crazy. Literally psychotic. Like what? Where did he live? In Chicago. Oh, in Chicago. On Lake Shore. On Lake Shore Drive, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would be like, I don't know.

46:59I think because I was like kind of his assistant type thing. Like it was like account coordinator and then you get promoted. So I was like in that role and I think I got it from his mail. Like, I don't know how I got his. I remember when my boss, the boss of the boss, I worked with him for two years and we were like crushed. Like we were such a good team. And then one day they were like, hey, Kristen, we need to have a meeting. And I was like, if you're going to take me away from blank blanks accounts, I'm going to kill myself. You guys, I said that. I said that at a corporate job. All right. You guys, I honestly, they're like HR.

47:35No, I know his face. He literally like looks down and blinks at me and he's like, what? Like, I cannot believe how I've never not been me. It's so crazy. And he was like, um, we have to take you off his accounts. And I was like, oh, because you were circling his house. Because no, because I was, this is what they told me, but they're like, yeah, honestly, who knows? They're like, I was really good. And so they needed me to go with another person to help their business, to help their book of business so that this person that I was with previously was really good so he could work with someone that was more junior.

48:11Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, but yeah.

48:15Lindsey Simcik:He also checked his security cameras and saw you on his cameras. No, he literally, he saw me circling his house checking his LinkedIn every single day. He had no social media so I would just look at his LinkedIn all the time. I was just like, oh. He was tall, cute. Dude. Yeah. Yeah, the power that some people had over us in our 20s, just like random ass people, I feel like. That now I'm like. I think too, I wanted entertainment. I think it was an entertainment opportunity for me. Because you were like kind of at work? Yeah, man. I was like, what the heck are these gray cubes? What am I doing here at this desk?

48:52So it was like my kind of way to be like, make my own little show in my head. Get excited for work. Yeah, I was like, oh, he just came in. Oh, yeah. Sit up straight. Totally. gotta get on those phones gotta make those dials

49:07Lindsey Simcik:uh okay great questions from my girls hope that was helpful we love you guys thanks for getting the book it's been so good to see it in your hands and for all the feedback and if you don't have almost 30 you should order it now amazon target barnes and noble audible has us recording actually spotify has it for premium listeners spotify and like i've seen it at like little bookstores, big bookstores. I've seen it at every airport, which is great. So check it out at the airport and go into your local bookstore. Tell them you want them to order it. Yeah. Thank you for writing reviews too. Everyone that's read it has written really nice reviews.

49:41It's such a kind way to share the messages of the book and everything like that. So Almost 30 is really the guide for going from lost to a life you love. Yeah.

49:50Lindsey Simcik:We love you guys. Thank you so, so much. Again, the book is Almost 30, a definitive guide to a life you love for the next decade and beyond. You can get it on our website or anywhere books are sold. And we'll see you on the next one. See you soon. I love you guys. Love you.

50:28Thank you.