797. What We’re Missing About Our Kids’ Emotions (and How To Tune In)

29:18We were like, great, let's find like a structure, a system that we can really turn to that outlines what we're doing. And we found bits and pieces in different places, but didn't find anything comprehensive to what we were doing. And so we created it, the collaborative emotion processing method. And then we partnered with Brandeis University to research it across the country and look at how does it change the way that adults experience children's emotions so that they can respond with intention. And that was the coolest thing from research was that when you're looking at building emotional intelligence, it takes time.

29:56It takes a lot of time and repetition. But one really crucial component in them is the adult that's responding to these children. If we are reacting from our subconscious patterns, from the habits we learned in childhood, from our triggers or our dysregulation, without accessing regulation and self-control and noticing like, ah, what's the story I'm telling myself about this behavior? What's coming up for me here? without doing that on the adult side, then we respond from a dysregulated reactive state. This is where we repeat patterns from our childhood. And I write in Tiny Humans that sometimes I open my mouth, my mom comes out and like, sometimes that's great.

30:38Sometimes I totally want to pass that on. And like sometimes spend a lot of time, money and therapy trying to not pass that on. And so like, then what? And so in the STEP method, collaborative motion processing, CEP, we outline five components. Four of them are about us and understanding how the nervous system works. The fifth one is adult-child interactions. When we're doing these other four, then how do we respond to the child and from the list? So the first four, we have self-awareness, noticing what's happening for us inside. Those are those internal cues. What's happening with your heart?

31:12Where are your shoulders? How are you feeling inside? This is something we talk a lot about in the world, but very few people have the tools to practice, we realized. And one of the ways that we love to foster this is to set a series of alarms for yourself. 9, 12, 10, 18, 12, 16. And when it goes off, just notice what's happening for you. And if you're around kids, say it out loud. Oh, my heart's beating faster. My shoulders are up to my ears. Oh, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now. I'm just going to slow my heart down. Or, oh, I feel really calm. I notice my heart's slow and my palms are open.

31:53I'm feeling really calm, really into this activity. Just noticing what's happening, say it out loud, regulate if need be, and then go right back into your thing. It's about 30 seconds in length. When you practice this outside the moment, it helps you in the moment be able to access that skill of noticing before you explode what's happening inside. So that's self-awareness. We have self-care, which is that like nerdiness of what does your nervous system need? How does your unique nervous system work? For us, this isn't a one size fits all. It's not a bubble bath or, you know, a massage, although it could be.

32:34It's what do you need to take care of your nervous system all day long, proactively, not just reactively, not get to a place of burnout, come back from it, get to a place of burnout, come back from it. But how do you take care of yourself throughout the day in micro moments that really add up? And we have scientific knowledge where we talk about the nervous system, how it works, and that we have so much power in our tone, in our body language, and that nonverbal communication. In fact, our pre-verbal language is what comes online in the brain first and foremost for kids, that they start to recognize right from birth, the tone of voice, your body language, your energy, before they understand the words you're saying.

33:18And this is so key in scientific knowledge that if I come in with this tone and my body's powering over you versus I come in with this tone and my body is soft and says, I'm not here to fight you, that I have the power to set the temperature for my kid rather than join their energy. and then we have our implicit biases recognizing that we all grew up hearing different things about maybe certain emotions we should or shouldn't have or certain places we should or shouldn't express them maybe things related to race or gender or sex around the shoulds or shouldn't and it becomes our inner narrative it becomes the story that we just believe to be true if we don't look at it.

34:09If we don't look at it and say, ah, this is where I open my mouth and my mom's coming out. Is this something I still believe to be true? Is this something I still want to pass on? Is this something that's still serving me? Or is this something that I learned that I'm going to let go of? And what does that letting go of process look like? So that's the implicit bias work where we get to really dive into showing up with intention and consciousness. and then we have adult child interactions. And this is where we look at, okay, if we are showing up with intention, how do you respond to the child in front of you?

34:47Not the child maybe you were or the child that you thought you were going to have or someone who maybe shares your nervous system, but the child in front of you, who are they and how do you respond to them? that's the set method as a whole. Yeah. This, yeah, this is great. And, and I can imagine, well, you said it in the beginning of this, like it's a practice. So this takes intention, this takes repetition and I I'm sure many imperfect moments. And so when we find ourselves in a, a moment of messing up. Um, what do you recommend for parents? You know, I think for, for big kids in particular. Yeah.

35:37Yeah. So really across the board, the goal of the set method, it's not perfection. Uh, it's the grace to grow without perfection, giving humans that freedom and recognizing that the ultimate goal is to be in relationship with each other. And if that's our goal is to be in relationship with one another, then we're going to have rupture. We're going to drop the ball. We're going to be imperfect humans who are dysregulated and are messy and are reactive. And we get to come back together and have accountability and navigate repair. And what this looks like is being able to model for kids like, oh man, earlier when we were coming home from school, your brother was asking me questions.

36:24You were asking me questions. I was feeling flooded and overwhelmed and I wasn't kind to you. I'm going to work on calming my body so that I can be kind to you. I'm sorry that I wasn't kind. And really just truly owning our own accountability when we drop the ball. It's the greatest way to teach them how to do that because they're also going to make mistakes. And I don't want them to think that they have to be perfect. We get to allow them to be imperfect humans. And with this comes accountability for their actions. And the greatest way to teach is to move. And so when we show up for them and we model that, yeah, I'm not perfect either.

37:05I drop the ball sometimes. I have hard feelings sometimes. And same with our partners, not just with them, but with our partners, with our co-parents, with our village around us. When I am turning and saying like, oh, Zach, I'm sorry, I had a day at work. And from the minute you walked in, I've been snippy and sarcastic and rude with you. And that's not okay. I just, can I have five minutes solo to just go be and reset and then come back? and I get to have that conversation in front of my kids so that they see I'm owning my dysregulation. I'm also saying I'm still not in a place to keep going.

37:45I need to regulate before I can move forward. Here's what's going to be regulating for me in this moment and asking for that. When we model those things for them, it is so stinking powerful. Yeah, it really is. They're watching everything. Everything. And it doesn't stop when they're little. When they're little, we often narrate a lot more. We're like talking to them about what we're doing and about the day. And then at some point when they get older, we stop doing that. And it's actually still beneficial for them if we continue. That if I say like, oh, I am whelmed right now. Like it is bumping in this household and everyone needs something and I need a minute.

38:30I'm fried and I just need a beat. I'm going to put on my AirPods and I'm going to listen to a song by myself and have a one song dance party. And then I'm going to be here to take your questions and help you. I'm going to be here in a minute. And we narrate that for them, even if they're yelling, even if they're screaming, even if they're saying like, no, no, no. what they see is, oh, mom feels this too. She also gets overwhelmed. This is what calms her. And then she comes back to us. I'm not responsible for her regulation. Right. It's so huge. Yeah. It's a big one. Cause I'm sure a lot of people listening may have experienced like feeling like they were responsible for regulating their parents.

39:16You know, know, if things felt a little off in the house or between your parents or with one parent, like just this, what is that? What is that like need for a child to create balance or to make things okay? I guess it's to regulate their own nervous system safety. Yeah. Yeah. It's safety. They're, they're dependent on us to keep them alive. And just in relationship that our attachment relationship starts right from the jump. And they don't see it as like, oh, mom's having a hard day. My kids aren't like, man, she's had a hard day. This isn't about me. They see it as like, oh, I'm always messing up and it's stressing mom.

39:58I'm always doing this thing and it's causing this reaction to her. And when I own my own dysregulation and then regulation, I'm showing them that this isn't your job to fix. You didn't cause it and it's not your job to fix. It's my job to be responsible for my body and my reactions, not yours.

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41:07And nutritionally, it's such an easy swap. Depending on the product, Hero has zero to five grams of net carbs, zero grams of sugar, and 11 to 32 grams of fiber, which is unbelievable. They even have noodles with 32 grams of fiber and 12 grams of protein. I'm obsessed with the noodles. So is my son and husband. So Hero Bread is offering 10 % off your order, go to hero.co and use code A30POD at checkout. That's code A30POD at H-E-R-O dot C-O. Yeah. Yeah. It's so powerful. Speaking of modeling, I've been thinking a lot about, and I'm sure a lot of parents feel this, but I don't know if we're always practicing it because it's hard, but technology, our relationship with technology and how that, um, affects our kids and also models certain things to our kids.

42:05And then part B of this question is really about, you know, the exposure to technology and what you're seeing, maybe what you've seen in research or in your own children and how that affects the nervous system and what we can do to, you know, be more mindful and support our unique kids in the consumption or if they're around it. Cause it's something I think about a lot. Same, same. What's really cool to note is that not all technology is created equally, right? So it's not just like technology equals bad. In fact, I think when we can see technology through a neutral lens, it's actually way more helpful here.

42:47That if I can say, oh, I noticed that for myself, if I don't move my body enough throughout the day, I get to the end of the day and I'm like agitated, irritated. And I noticed for myself, if I am placing my grocery order, I feel fine after. If I am scrolling social media for 15 minutes, I don't feel fine after. I'm like annoyed with my kids or something, or if I'm trying to read an article in my email or checking something on my email for work and my kids are trying to get my attention, I feel annoyed by that. I feel like they're taking me away from this thing that I'm trying to do. And so really just recognizing what interaction with technology does what, that when I'm hanging out with my family and we're having a movie night and we're watching a movie, I don't leave that feeling agitated.

43:44I don't leave that feeling frustrated with them. That part of technology feels connecting sometimes and wholesome. And we can, might be snuggling on the couch and sharing an experience that feels good for me sometimes. And there are other forms of technology or uses of it that don't feel good. And really being able to get clear about that, that screens as neutral and that the way that we use them affect us differently and the different types of interactions affect us differently. And starting to build awareness of that. And again, when we can narrate that, like, oh man, I've noticed that when my sound on my phone is on or the buzzer's on and we're hanging out, that it is hard for me to keep paying attention to you or to be kind to you when I hear it going off because my brain is thinking about it.

44:39I'm going to turn it off or I'm going to put it in another space so that I can focus on you. I want to be here with you right now. And being able to just narrate and say that. Another time saying like, oh yeah, I have the sound of my phone on because Auntie Rach is navigating something where she might need my help with this. And I told her I would be available. So I might have to step away from dinner or from our hang to answer that phone call. so I have the ringer on. We might hear my phone this time. And just being able to call those things out so that they start to, I mean, the way that we grew up, it was, you heard so much more of what your parents were doing, right?

45:17The phone rang and you heard a conversation back and forth. Right now it's like, I could have a full convo with you just via text. And you know me, I'm like a sucker for a voice message. So you might hear, they might hear my end of it, but they're not always hearing that. It's like a text just happened or I placed a grocery order. I sent an email and they don't know what we're doing on there. They just see us on it. Yeah. That's, that's such a good point. Um, I was talking to someone the other day and they have a teenager and they were just saying that they kind of now see like, oh my kid being on their phone I'm projecting onto them what I think they're doing or what I do on my phone when I get frustrated but actually most of the time on their phone they're connecting with their friends like they're talking to friends and like you know obviously there are moments where we can like chill on that.

46:18It doesn't have to be at midnight, but, um, it's just reframing, you know, what this means to, especially teens, if we're talking teens a little bit outside of this age group, but, um, that, that was interesting for me, but I love the narration piece because, you know, kids are so perceptive, perceptive, like we've said, like they, they pick up on so much of the unsaid and then they're going to fill in the blanks on things that they don't really know with like kind of guessing. And, um, yeah, I think the narration piece is so important. So what about, um, so five to 12, like the exposure to, you know, whether it's tablets or, you know, is there anything that you're seeing or that you've researched that should be notable for us as we navigate this?

47:11Because I think we can go to the extreme and be like, no, nothing. And then we could drive ourselves crazy. And the know nothing just is, we know that then they're going to go out in the world and be exposed to screens. I know. And my friend Ash, Brandon, they have a book publishing called Power On that is so good. And one thing that I love about them, they shared this analogy with me that just like stuck about how water is really dangerous for kids, right? Cars, also very dangerous. When we look statistically, like drowning rates and car accidents, they're inherently dangerous. We aren't like, well, we're going to avoid all water and all cars.

47:58We're never going to go in them. We're never going to be around them. Instead, we look at, okay, how can I support you with the tools you need and the skills you need to do this safely? and for swimming, we might be doing swimming lessons or they might have floaties to start and scaffolding until they can swim on their own. And then still as an adult, they're looking at things like, is there an undertow? Is this a safe place to swim? There's forever scaffolding for them to assess the dangers and safeties and be able to make a choice. Same with cars. We have them in car seats. We have seatbelts.

48:34We're talking about how fast to go, when to stop. We're teaching them how to navigate this and what skills they need to do it safely. When we bring that to screens, it shifts it for me. When I say, okay, what skills do my kids need to navigate this safely? And I have two very different humans. I birthed two vastly different nervous systems and they navigate screens differently. I have one that is a sensory seeker and high connection seeking. And she is like, give me any sort of screen interaction where there is an engagement, whether it's like a Miss Rachel video where she's saying like, can you say ball?

49:20And my daughter's like, ball, like nailing it, right? My son with Miss Rachel never once replied to the prompt. it's not the way that he uses a screen and for my daughter she like loves FaceTime she's like I want to engage and interact and do something and feel connected and my son wants to learn so he like loves a YouTube video he was teaching me about hydraulics the other day and I was like in what world it was from this like kids YouTube video where he was learning about like trucks and hydraulics. And for him, he like loves that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And for each of them, the screen time boundaries are different that like the way that they might use them in terms of regulation are different for him when he feels flooded and overwhelmed and overstimulated, he would love to turn to a screen to just zone out in the same way that we might turn to coping mechanisms like shopping or a substance or sometimes like food or even exercise to just distract ourself from a feeling rather than sit with it and be with it and be in it and experience it.

50:37And there's room for all of this. Sometimes we don't have the capacity to process it and we're going to be like, yeah, you know what I need? I need to binge watch a show and chill and I'm going to deal with this feeling tomorrow, right? Like there's room for that. But if we're always doing them and we never are turning to processing tools. Therein lies the danger. And so for my son, it's for us really managing what season of life are we in right now? Do we just have a new baby and things feel really different? Are we in a transition with like new classrooms, school, et cetera? And what does this season look like?

51:16And what's our relationship to screens in this season? And what tools are we accessing outside of screens for processing? So if he is going to come home and feel exhausted from being in his new classroom all day, and he's going to watch a show for 30 minutes, what are we doing after that show? What other tools are we tapping into that help move things through his body so they're not stuck in terms of emotions and processing? Can we talk about those processing tools? Because even at a young age, if you have young kids out there, if you have big kids, like, you know, these big emotions are there.

51:55And I think I, there are days when he's overwhelmed and he goes, Rachel, and he just wants to sit down and watch Rachel or he'll be like Patsy. Cause we're about to give up the Patsy. I'm taking your advice soon. Right. On how to do it. Cause you were like, this is how I did it. You're like, take your time. I said, I will. Um, but he has those things that are like his just feel good. Like immediately just makes him like, huh. And I get it. And I want to understand how to, in the moment, begin to help him process if he can like borrow my nervous system in the moment, which I like try to do, you know, just like kind of have that really calm, be that space for him.

52:52But I guess what does that look like in practice, especially for big kids? Yeah. It is unfortunately not one size fits all, right? So how they process is going to be different. I was just chatting with this nine-year-old who has a phone that has no social media so they can use it for like FaceTiming and texting. They're high connection seeking kid. And it's a great tool for them. They will call, there is someone in my community and I'll get like FaceTimes from them. And it is, they went from like, mom, mom, watch this, mom, I need this, mom, mom, mom, mom. And she's like, I'm going to lose my ever loving shit.

53:31And so here's a tool for you to also get connection needs met outside of just me. And it's been awesome. But they, I was chatting with them the other day and I was like, yeah, they are going through some friendship stuff and some shifts and little changes in who's going to be participating in what sports and going to be together and there's stuff they don't feel included in. And as a high connection seeking kid, this is really tough to feel left out and like you're not included. And it's a threat to social safety. And so I was chatting with her and I was like, yeah, what feels good for you right now when you're in this space?

54:13Like, man, it's so hard to feel left out and to not be able to just fix that. What feels good for you right now? And she was like, well, I wanted to do these TikTok dances. My mom will let me use TikTok. and I was like totally yeah that makes sense is it the dancing that feels good or do you like like watching somebody else do something and then like you're doing it and she was like I love dancing I was like cool what are other ways we could get some dancing in and I was like what's your favorite song right now and we ended up brainstorming that like part of her routine right now when she comes home from school is having a dance party by herself in her room.

54:58That is moving this through her body in a way that before she was like throwing her backpack on the floor, like eye rolls, door slams, yelling at her mom. She's got a lot going on at school in terms of friendships and it's coming home. And those emotions are bottled up all day long and then they need to move through her body. And it was just conflict of her saying like, I feel stuck in this. And so now she's having this dance party and sometimes her mom joins and dances with her when she wants her to. And, uh, they also started a journal back and forth where at the end of the day, she was having some anxiety going to bed because like thinking about school the next day and not wanting to go because of the friend drama.

55:44And so they started a journal and she, before bed, just offloads anything that's still sitting in her brain, anything she wants to share. And then she gets to choose if she wants someone else to read it or not. So she'll, she can set it right outside. There's a spot that they, she puts it if she wants her mom to know it. And if not, it stays in her room. And we chatted about it. And her mom was like down to respect this and not look if she's not invited to look and just have a space to move it out of her body. For some kids, that movement is literal movement, moving your body, dancing, running, climbing, jumping, participating in a sport, et cetera.

56:29For some kids, it's offloading it. It's talking, it's texting, it's writing it, it's creating music with it. It's arts expression. It's getting it out in a form of communication. Even for some kids, it's time and silence and a decrease in stimuli. My husband is actually like this, where he, if we're going to talk through something home. We're navigating something. I will text him or write something down and say like, here's what's coming up for me. I want to talk about this later. And then he needs time and space. In fact, early on in our relationship at one point, I'm like a, let's talk it out.

57:13Let's go. I want to auditorily process. And he needs that time and space. At one point early on in our relationship, we were in conflict and he like got in the shower because I just wouldn't stop talking. I was like following him around and just talking. And he's like, how do I escape this? And just got in the shower. You're my husband. He's like, very like, I'm like, I need, I need to process because like, whatever comes out of my mouth is not, it's not gonna make sense. It's gonna be I'm still emotional. I need to be by myself. And that's my husband. And that's the kids are like this too, right?

57:49That like adults are kids who have grown up. And so when we're looking at this, like, is this a kid who they need some time in space and quiet time? And maybe they'll do something with that quiet time, like play a video game or play with Legos or whatever, or maybe they'll just be, maybe they'll just take a shower or have some time to themselves and really recognizing that all of those things are valuable and one isn't inherently better than the other. It's not better to be someone who talks your feelings through versus someone who goes inward and takes time. It's not better to be someone who turns to like movement than somebody who is like, yeah, I'm going to turn to arts expression, but that all of them are just different forms of processing.

58:37Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

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59:55Yeah, this is so helpful. And I feel like the ability to allow our kids to kind of be in their process, um, I think would be a huge turning point for parents just in how they experience those like moments of just really heightened emotion or just intensity. Um, I'm curious, so that helps kids to identify what helps them to process and move energy. what helps kids to foster things like resiliency, like kind of like a bounce back rate after say rejection or after frustration or, um, you know, yeah, I think those are big ones, but I'm sure there's others, but how would you foster that for big kids?

1:00:49How would you foster like flexibility if things change and, you know, how do they become a bit more regulated in those moments? Yeah. So two separate things here with cognitive flexibility and then resilience through like frustration, tolerance, or that rejection, et cetera. The, the resilience piece there, the answer kind of sucks because it, it's that they have to experience it. But so often we want to step in and save them from it and prevent it from happening. We want to remove the obstacles so they don't have the hard thing happen. Or I had, we were doing research for this book for big kids.

1:01:30I was interviewing different teachers and families and kids. And I had this mom who was talking about the preteen drama and the friendship stuff. And she's like, oh, I mean, we were chatting about it as parents. And we just got to get these girls together and talk through this. and what they were trying to do is solve it for them. And she really wanted to make sure her daughter felt included. And a thousand percent, I agree. I also want my children to feel included and like they belong. And they're not going to feel that all the time everywhere. They are not going to feel that in every group, in every space, in every classroom.

1:02:15They're going to get rejected from the school, the job, they're not going to make the team. Those things are all things that are going to happen. And if they have never practiced what it feels like to experience rejection and learn, oh, I've been here before. I know that I can survive this. If they don't get to practice that, then eventually they end up in a space where they're not getting to practice it with us, where they're not under our roof, where we can say like, man, yeah, it sucks to not make the team. Do you want to like go for a drive and just rage to some music right now? Or do you want to just get some chips and dip and chill on the couch and binge watch your favorite show?

1:03:04And we can figure this out tomorrow. Like really showing them what does it look like to be in that feeling and know that you can experience it and have practice with it so that you know you can do it. One of my favorite things to tell kids is that no feeling lasts forever and bring up times like, yeah, remember when you won that game and you were so stoked. You guys were sectional champions and it was incredible. Remember how happy and excited and proud you felt? And right now you don't feel happy, excited, or proud. Happy, excited, and proud don't stay for a long time. Right now you're feeling left out and lonely and sad.

1:03:55And that make sense. And those won't stay for a long time either. It's okay to feel this right now and to let your body cry or be mad or rage on the drums or draw a picture or write about it or make a song about it or go for a run. It's okay to be in this right now and know that you don't have to make it go away. It's going to go away on its own. And just in tandem with that, you know, allowing them to feel that knowing, explaining that it's temporary. What if they have behaviors because of how they're feeling that are unacceptable, you know, say it's disrespect, say it's like, you know, physical expression of that, that is, that is unacceptable.

1:04:46How are we communicating around that to create a rule or a boundary or expectation? Love this question. We have a whole chapter on defiance and disrespect. It's the thing we get the most questions about probably that and anxiety. And when we're looking at defiance and disrespect, what's really key for us first to note as the adult is that it's a sign of dysregulation. It means their nervous system is dysregulated. But if they had tools to respond respectfully right now in the moment that they could access, they would. And what they're saying is my nervous system is dysregulated. It doesn't excuse behavior.

1:05:28And we are going to set boundaries for behavior as well. But first and foremost in the moment, what I'm going to look at is how do I get their nervous system fully back online? How do I help them regulate first? And so they come in, they slam the door, they eye roll, they scream in your face, they stomp to their room. I'm going to give them a beat. I'm not going to run right in. I'm going to give them a minute. And then I'm going to come over and I'm going to be so mindful of my tone and my body language. and I'm going to say, whoa, bud, that was wild. I can tell something's going on and I want you to know that I'm here with you.

1:06:11We're going to figure this out. And I love you. And then just pause and maybe ask them, do you want company right now? Or do you want to be alone for a minute? And if they say they want to be alone, honoring that and letting them know where you are. All right, bud, I get that. I'm going to go into the kitchen and start making a snack. If you need me, holler, I'll come. What you're saying to them in that moment is so stinking powerful. You're saying, I can handle your heart stuff. It's not too overwhelming for me. There's nothing you could do that would shift my love for you. And you're not alone in this.

1:06:52and so then when we come back together and we're navigating it and we get to the place where there's regulation and there's calm when we get to that place then we might be able to say man earlier you were feeling it big I have fully been there where all I want to do is like chuck my computer or scream at somebody and lose it. And it's our job in our household to make sure that we're kind to each other and kind to our things. I want to help you figure out what you can do when it feels so big so that you don't hurt yourself or someone else.

1:07:35And that's it. I'm not mad at you. You're not in trouble. They already know they weren't supposed to do that. They're already beating themselves up because they feel badly. I don't have to add to that. All I have to do is show up and give them skills to do it differently. Yeah. It's powerful because quickly it could become kind of the shame spiral of, you know, having those big reactions and then feeling bad about it and then not wanting. Yeah. I remember that feeling of like, not even wanting to be like looked at or you don't love me now. You know, that feeling of like, that was so ugly. How could you even love me?

1:08:16There's no way you would love that part of me. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, I love the, yeah, just like affirming that it's okay to be feeling this way. You know, we don't hurt other people. We don't hurt things, but you know, we can work through this together. I think that's simple and just so powerful and can kind of immediately just feel, kind of take that shame away or at least some of it, you know, like, yeah, so powerful. It leads to connection. And we know that when we feel connected with someone, we're more likely to be collaborative with them and cooperative. And so if I come in and I'm like powering over and I'm like punishing or shaming and trying to make a behavior change that way, it leads to disconnection.

1:09:04And what we see is that more and more they are not collaborative and they're not cooperative. And then eventually they start doing things like lying and sneaking around because they're worried about your reaction and being in trouble. And when we can lean into connection, it's a game changer for our relationship for the longterm. Right. So good. I have one more question before we wrap. I have a million questions, but I will hold back. The rest is in the book. The book is incredible. Big Kids, Bigger Feelings.

1:09:42So 5 to 12, I'm curious about this sentiment that I think some parents might have

1:09:58around, and maybe it's, in my experience, I feel like my husband has this sentiment sometimes, even when, with Matt being so young still, and I have to remind him how young he is, but he's like, you don't want to, you know, for, in so many words, you don't want to baby him forever. And I think he has a fear that I'm going to baby him forever. Forever. Anyway. So what is that? What is appropriate in terms of the support and security that we provide from five to 12? Because I know there's a little bit of individuation happening so that they have a healthy sense of self security with us and can feel relatively confident becoming more independent?

1:10:53What does that like look like in actuality? Yeah. I love this because I think there's this idea that if we are doing things for people, if we are showing up and taking care of them, that we are holding them back from something. what actually the science shows and is so clear is that when we are showing up in ways that help somebody feel safe if it's taking care of them if it's they're having a hard time and they're crying and we show up and we hold them if it's I know they know how to brush their own teeth or put on their shoes or make their own lunch or get their stuff ready for school tomorrow but I'm going to help them with this because I can tell they're spent.

1:11:44When we show up in those ways for somebody else, what we're doing is forming security in our attachment and relationship with them and letting them know that they're never too old to be vulnerable with us, that we can handle their hard stuff and that they're also allowed to ask for help and not just do it all and have it all together all the time. Yeah. And so when it looks like, how do we help them learn these skills so that when they're out in the world, they have them, you help them by co-regulating first at home, by continuing to show up and hold them when they're trying and help them when they need help, because that's how they, when they're out into the world are going to show up with other people.

1:12:36That's what they're going to expect in relationships with other people is that I don't have to do this all alone. It's called the collaborative emotion processing method for a reason. We process emotions collaboratively. We're a social species. And the more we look at individuation and going insular, what ends up happening is so much isolation and so much anxiety and depression skyrockets because we feel like we're supposed to have it all together, be able to handle everything on our own all the time. And that's not how we're meant to live. It's why summer Wednesdays exist, right? Like I walked into my house last night on summer Wednesday, where our houses open up to everyone in the neighborhood, everyone brings their own food.

1:13:28And I walked in at one point after dinner, there's a gaggle of kids in the backyard playing all different ages and Emily's doing my dishes and Monica just brought over whipped cream because somebody else had grabbed strawberries and we were putting together things. And I was like, this is it. We aren't supposed to do this alone. And when we show up with our kids and show them that they don't have to do it alone and that their messiness is welcome in relationship, that's what they come to expect from others in relationship and how they show up with each other in relationship. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's pretty rad.

1:14:02Yeah. So cool. Yeah. That's my dream. I love, I love having just a freaking gaggle of kids and parents. Come to summer Wednesday, anytime you want, Lynn. I would love to, I'm driving up to Vermont, like be careful what you wish for. Um, yeah, I love it. Yeah. This has been incredible. I've learned so much. Um, and I know people are going to be taking copious notes, um, listening to this episode, get the book, big hits, bigger feelings. If you have a little one, tiny humans, big emotions, incredible, incredible, incredible resources, um, that I keep on my bedside. And I'm just so thankful for your work.

1:14:42I'm so thankful for your dedication, for your research, for just you being very real about your own process with your kids. And, And it's really incredible. What's one thing you hope people take from this book in particular? There's not a world in which you like do all the right things and you proactively support your self-care and all that jazz. And everyone's regulated all the time. But that's not the goal. You're going to cycle in and out of regulation and dysregulation. What we're working to do is to help you understand how you can access regulation again when you are dysregulated and how to have enough capacity to do that, that you're not so fried that you're like, I just can't all the time.

1:15:30But there's no world in which you're like, well, doing it. Everyone's regulated all the time in my household or in my classroom or in my world. And one of my favorite things that our village has said is like, I came for the kids, but stayed for myself. and to recognize that like so many of us didn't grow up with this and it is a process whether you have kids or not you have a nervous system and you deserve to understand how it operates and works so that you can move through the world with a bit more ease yeah and have better physical health too you know totally so many physical implications as we know um okay i love you dearly Thank you for being here.

1:16:15Make sure you follow. I will give all the handles and websites in the intro and outro as well as in the show notes. Yeah, you're just an incredible, incredible resource. So thank you for being a part of my village in a very unique way. Love you dearly. Congratulations. Thank you. And we'll see you soon. See you soon. Thank you so much. Alyssa, her new book, Big Kids, Bigger Feelings is out. now. Amazing. Morning Microdose is our clips channel. It has the best of the best of Almost 30 podcast. It has five to 10 minutes. It's ad free completely. So it's just like the heaters. And then we also have Almost 30 podcast on TikTok and Instagram, almost30.com for the show, for more show notes, for our partners.

1:17:01You can pretty much use Almost 30 code anywhere you shop. Find us anywhere. All right. We love you guys. We'll see you on the next episode. We have new episodes every single week. We love you guys. We'll see you soon. Bye. and

1:17:17and and So