800. No More Situationships, Attract Your Committed Guy with Ben Hart

27:26They just want to sleep. That's why. That's real. I understand why they think that, by the way. I'm not unephathetic to that point of view, which is like, yeah, of course he wants something from me. But I'll tell you, like, a lot of, like, you know, just even in general experienced guys, but, like, even some of my closest friends are like, I just wanted to be around girls. I don't even – I don't care about doing it. I just like to be around their presence sometimes. I just think that goes – that doesn't get discussed as much. They just think, oh, no, he's out of here.

27:50Lindsey Simcik:Okay. And maybe he was, but there are plenty of guys that just want to be around you because they actually, like, enjoy the back and forth. Yeah. And that sometimes it's like those sort of back and forths might be like the only thing he might have gotten all week. Yeah. To the point of like kind of future tripping, I feel like women are definitely more prone to do that. And it can kind of take us out of like just getting to know someone for who they are in this moment. When you say future tripping, what do you mean? Like when I was dating, I was dating for a long time. And when I would sit down for a date, probably in the first 30 minutes, I had already gone to, is he going to be a great father?

28:27Lindsey Simcik:what is what is it going to be like when he sits down with my dad like crazy like future future kind of running it through that filter of like is this possible rather than like speaking to the person right in front of me getting to know them as who they are um do you find that women are doing that yeah now and like what would you say to people doing that yeah i think women do it more than men i think men do it too by the way you know they just i think they think they do it depending on the phase of life i think the younger they are the probably less likely are to do it But like, you know, definitely like guys on first dates and, you know, that are around the point where they feel like they're ready to start the next chapter of their life are looking at her being like, well, what would she be like as a mom?

29:07You know, they are saying they might not be what it's going to look like next week with it, but they are thinking about it. That's why I set up kids around. Kids like come up to the table and I'm like, oh, my friend's kids. I'm like, oh, come on. That's hilarious. Yeah. Let me say it. So I see what you mean in terms of like when they describe. Is that a bad thing?

29:27Lindsey Simcik:Is it like – I think it has its pros and cons. Like I don't necessarily think it's – obviously it's not bad in nature but I think the overplay of it gets very bad. You know, that's what I see. I think a trend that I see – or you can tell me if this is right but I feel like what I see a lot from the women that seem to engage with your content is that they get so little from men and they're making so much meaning out of it. Do you believe that's true? Yes. I do believe that's true but I also believe the opposite is true. You know, they can get a lot from good men and not even notice it. That's a good one.

29:57So I think that there's always that, right? It's like the guys they want, they can get a little bit from, and they're willing to use the list that they developed about themselves about what they won't accept, and they toss out the window. I've noticed that, too. So, you know, yeah, they have the list for the guys that, like, they're willing to, like, does he fit this? But then, like, the guys they like, it's like, oh, well, maybe let's push this aside for now. Oh, my God, it's so real. Let me, like, not look at this for a moment because I just— That was me when I first started dating. I was like, oh, he has a terminal disease.

30:26that was fun that was a fun time I was like we can I can help I'll be at your bedside but there was probably something about him that sparked this like intrigue about him what was it what was the thing about him he was funny as fuck like we just had I like when men don't this is my kink it's like a problem but I like being like I don't like when people agree with everything that I say like a little bit of a back and forth I love a good banter he's really funny really smart and kind of just was like wasn't really impressed but was like impressed enough but he wasn't wasn't my man but he was just a cool we had like a good vibe and I think when I first got out of my relationship the men that I was dating it was like I didn't I didn't really expect to start dating again so I was like okay I'm just having chemistry with people and I think I just didn't really understand that you could have chemistry and not be in a relationship with them does that make sense like I'd been in such a so many long-term relationships that I was like oh you can actually have chemistry with someone and go on dates with them and have a vibe but it doesn't mean you need to be in a relationship sure you know yeah and I can respect that point of view I don't think it's a common point of you to have interesting that I've I think, you know, a lot of times when I, specifically my experience, when I speak to women, they always, you know, when they kind of start choosing a guy a little more consistently, they get very emotionally invested into even the little things.

31:57So I just, you know, is chemistry all it could be? I agree. I think that's a good framework to think about it because it kind of also at some point creates like a detachment of a specific outcome really early where you can kind of start to just enjoy the moment of like chemistry. I could have chemistry with a cactus. So that's why I had to be like, I'm doing it again. Like I'd be on a date for like three hours and I'd be like, I hate this fucking date. And then I'd be like, it has to go four though because otherwise I'm not winning. Like I would be like, I have to fall in love with me. Yes, exactly.

32:29I was like, they need to text everybody else after and be like, I'm it. Even though you didn't want anything with them. Yeah. It wasn't that dark, but there was like a, it was, there was like a, I did have to feel like I, that they liked me. Yeah. Right. That was like a goal of yours. He's like, I gotta like, he's gotta like me even though I don't like him. Win him over. I have to win them over, which is like just the pattern of enough about me. Enough about me. We love that. So let's talk about friends with benefits. How do you feel about friends with benefits? Because a lot of people, I think, are doing, like, being friends with benefits, do you think that's possible?

33:03Do you think that's something people can do? I mean, it's all possible. Is it probable? No, if I'm being honest with you. No, it's not. And it's more, if I'm being honest with you, I just think it's less possible for most women. Because they do call and they always say the same shit to me. They always say, oh, but you know, we started off as this and just, I don't know, I caught something for them. And of course you did. I mean, not all the time, obviously, but like you got to, I think a friends of benefits thing, right, for me is about self-awareness. It's about like, listen, you need to know yourself enough.

33:33Yeah, I agree. To know that how sensitive are you going to or can you be in this moment? Because can you really just take this out and push this to the side? If he doesn't, his behaviors don't match expectations of something bigger. But can you deal with it if it's strictly FWB or whatever, whatever we want to call it, or casual or I call it casual cashier. but like you know same thing right like if that's the case after two months are you going to say he led me on i don't understand is this going to be a thing because if so i don't want to hear it at all you're not going to come to my stream at all that's so it is very common but that's why they call into my stream and they get a real reality check i'm like what are you talking about you said very early on this is what you wanted with him he said okay and then all of a sudden he led you on down the path you led yourself on and i say that too because it's important for people to take some accountability.

34:22Lindsey Simcik:I think I remember being in situationships, friends with benefits and being so convinced I would literally make them fall in love with me. Of course. Of course. Yeah. And I get it. It's like, wait till you see this, baby. Give me a hug. But watch me make you dinner. He's going to never want to leave you. Honestly.

34:46Lindsey Simcik:Summer is always a funny time because I want to enjoy the burgers at the barbecue. I don't know about you, the breakfast bagel before a beach day. That's my thing. The pasta salad at a friend's house. But I also want to make choices that support how I want to feel. I realize I don't do well with the all or nothing approach anymore. That's just not me. That's why I've been loving hero bread. I was honestly shocked by how soft and fluffy and delicious everything is that they make. There's no stiff cardboard texture, just the bread, buns, tortillas, and bagels. you actually crave. I've been using their tortillas for easy lunch wraps for myself, for my son.

35:26Lindsey Simcik:They're bagels when I need something quick and satisfying in the morning. And nutritionally, it's such an easy swap. Depending on the product, Hero has zero to five grams of net carbs, zero grams of sugar, and 11 to 32 grams of fiber, which is unbelievable. They even have noodles with 32 grams of fiber and 12 grams of protein. I'm obsessed with the noodles. So is my son and husband. So Hero Bread is offering 10 % off your order. Go to hero.co and use code a30pod at checkout. That's code A30POD at H-E-R-O dot C-O. Wow. Here's cookies at the house. How did that, like, what was your experience? Oh, how did that work out for me?

36:05Well, that too, but what was your experience with that?

36:07Lindsey Simcik:You know, well, um, who are you talking about? I have a, I have a bunch. I have one where he was more into me and I was keeping it very casual. Um, and he was a doll baby and I, I would have handled that differently. The other ones, um, it sucked because I was, I was, they were invested in the relationship based on the unspoken terms in the exact way they should have been, which was casual, you know, after 10 PM, like they were playing by those rules and I had signed the contract on that. Yet I would get sad or secretly depressed when like we wouldn't go out to breakfast the next day or he would text me like after he had gone out that night and I wouldn't be a part of those nighttime plans.

37:00Lindsey Simcik:Right. So I was I was over and over setting myself up for just kind of this disappointment. Yet the connection, like mostly the physical connection, because there was barely emotional connection was satisfying me in a way because I was able to kind of like satisfy their needs perform to satisfy their needs honestly I was performing at that age and then that would give me enough to be like I think eventually they're gonna fall in love with me I really do believe it at that age I was in my 20s yeah yeah yeah but it never worked yeah and I get that too right it's kind of like the when guys enter the friend zone and girls and like They just try to be their friend because they think at some point the door will open.

37:42Terrible effort.

37:43Lindsey Simcik:It's true. Yeah. They know they do. They do things. They come over. Oh, what can I fix? How can I be there? You want to talk about so-and-so? Oh, yeah, I'm here. Tell me. Tell me everything. Go ahead. And they do these things. When they really know, like, come on, man. I think they're going to win her over. But I think there's some similarity in that. So for situationships, do you think there's any benefit to them? Do you think it's – do you think people can have seasons where they're just in situationships? Those didn't exist when I was young. When did they come around? It's so recent. I mean, at least the term.

38:14It's so recent. At least the term. But like you know how – I would like to date someone. I'm like, you're my boyfriend. We're like, okay, you're my girlfriend. Right. I was like, you didn't even – like you're just my boyfriend or girlfriend. You know, there was this guy that I was seeing in an interview the other day. He was a French guy and he was talking about the difference between dating in France and dating in the U.S. And he was like in France, you know, when we just started seeing each other, we just assume we're boyfriend, girlfriend. Like, of course, we just get into it. Like, you assume these things.

38:37He's like over in the U.S. you have titles, you have things and don't understand. He was saying all these things. He didn't really get it. He was like, yeah, I don't get why everybody has this thing over here. But I kind of get it, you know, and I understand why the differences are there, you know, where, you know, when you have like a kind of system here. of some would say, you know, kind of like capitalism, kind of ruin romance in some sense. You kind of have to have clarity on what it is you really want to get specific things. And when you don't have that clarity and when you have tons of optionality, you create a really big confusion around what this is.

39:13And sometimes you need that clarity. I think with, so right now it's, isn't it like dating and then exclusive and then boyfriend, girlfriend? I think that's what I've heard. No, it is. I don't agree with it and I don't abide by those things, but people use those terms. Because I don't know like what is – like what if we're exclusive, we're not dating other people, but we're not boyfriend-girlfriend. Makes no sense to me. Makes literally no sense to me. I don't even like give it a time of day when somebody talks like that. I'm like, okay, what do you think that means? That just means that, okay, you guys are together when you're together, but if he were to slip up, he slips up.

39:47What are you going to do?

39:47Lindsey Simcik:Yeah. It's just – there's not really this like – And also it's the title to other people. Totally. Yeah. I think that's a big thing. Definitely. Do you think that's a red flag when people don't like immediately introduce you to their – not immediately. Oh, that's a good one. But like that thing where they're talking about it with their friends. They're maybe sharing with their family and dating someone new. Or do you think it's person by person? Do I think that's a red flag that if they do or don't share? Don't share. Don't share. It depends, right? It depends on like how the relationship the person has with their family.

40:18Yeah. But if they're close and everything, like depending on the time frame. Sure. I know I'm like, I hate to like think in these structured boxes when it comes to dating, but I do. And I oversimplify and overgeneralize. And part of that is just to kind of like create a mutual understanding of like a template to think about things through. But they're obviously not this cut and dry. They're obviously much more intricate. And they're much more fluid. And there's a lot more misunderstandings than I would like to agree with. But I just think it helps kind of give zones on thinking about dating for most people because some people really don't think about dating like that at all.

40:56There's like no structure to the thought process. And I find that to be detrimental for most people because it's like a leaf. You kind of just, well, let's see what happens. And I get why people operate that way. But when you live in a place where that's, you know, where you kind of let your heart get crushed many, many times or put yourself out here or be vulnerable and it's not, you know, all these things, then you kind of have to put some structured decision making. I just went on a rant about something else. No, that's true. I mean, I think with women that can be particularly helpful because it's like women are so emotion based and so often can be fear based because they've had their hearts broken or whatever.

41:32So then they kind of lose the plot of like, what are you doing here? What do you like? Even when you said that a lot of women will have their list, but then they'll like someone and they'll lose it. So it is helpful, I think, whether it's friends or a coach or whatever, but to have someone that is going to kind of hold you accountable to things of like dating. It's like you said you wanted to only be in a relationship, but now you're not. You're in a situation. You said you wanted someone that's this. You have this because, I mean, we'll lose the plot, you know, very often of like what's going, where we're headed, all of that.

42:03Yeah.

42:03Lindsey Simcik:What does that structure look like if someone can kind of check themselves? What does that look like? Yeah. Well, the structure essentially go, what do you want? Number one. And if you don't get there, then I don't even know how to get to step two. But if you describe what you want, you know, general outcome doesn't matter. If you want marriage, you want marriage. If you don't, you don't. If you want kids, you want kids. If you don't, you don't. If you want just a long term relationship and you don't want anything past that, that's OK, too. But I like to think about outcomes because it's just important factor to think about.

42:33And then once you define your outcome, you decide at that moment what the identity associated with that outcome is. You know, if, you know, I'm going to use a classic example. It doesn't apply to everybody. But let's just say it's wife. Let's say I want to be wife, right? And blanket statement this. Then how would a wife act and how would she communicate? What would she allow? What would she not allow? Would she allow six-month situationships? Would she allow friends with benefits? You have to kind of embrace an identity. Same with a husband or a long-term partner relationship or something like that where you can engulf an identity that helps decision-making easier and how to make better, sometimes even more efficient decisions.

43:13Whereas like, of course I don't do that. It's kind of like a mantra. That's the way I like to think about it. Companies have mantras and they kind of easy make decisions around this. Just do it. We run the decision-making through the mantra. It's kind of like how I think about an identity side of things to help people be like, wow, should I really?

43:32Lindsey Simcik:Laughing at your just do it comments. Yo, thanks for picking up that joke. What does it do? You said, well, companies have mantras. Just do it? Just do it. Dude, I need to be muddled. I swear to God. This room's getting so hot. It's about to get fucking crazy. Whatever I say. just do it well i think that's a slogan i think that's actually my dating mantra is it really no that's actually pretty much no no no no i just it's here we are keep going that's great we learned a lot about you today dude i'm very special i'm a very special person um i was thinking about um communication i want to go back to that.

44:21You said that was the first thing. And I, after saying, just do it, I'm a woman of communication. I'm obsessed with it. And I really think when I realized with communication, it's like the nexus point, or it's like the, the linchpin of any good relationship, like is being able to communicate, say your needs, speak your needs, even like, say, I love you. Like, you know what I mean? Like you feel most connected when you're communicating with people. So in dating, and I think this is where stuff gets gray and stuff where people feel insecure and not confident and sort of lose the plot. How can women be better communicators?

44:54Does it mean that they're having to over communicate? Like, what does that mean? Because I'll just say, for me, I think before, I communicate so much that I was almost over communicating where I was leading. So how do we communicate enough to feel good and to create like a safety in relationship, but not be leading? Sure. Like, right. I don't want to overcomplicate it too, because I think that like everything, right? Like communication is nice to tennis match. Like if you're not getting that and receive, if you're not receiving what you're giving out, then like, you know, that can be a bit of an issue.

45:25It doesn't mean you need to over communicate either. I just think that it's, anything is much better than none. And I think that when, what I see is they're not really communicating much because there's this fear of vulnerability that is associated with this, some kind of communication. And then they see you or they feel your interest. It's almost like afraid to show interest to somebody because of how that can feel if it's not reciprocated or received in a different way. Yeah. And I understand the fear. I get why it's a little fearful, especially early stages, because, you know, oh, I don't want to put my heart out of my ego out.

45:58Like, I don't want to take this damage. But what else is life to really be lived for at this point? You know, is you going to stay in your shell the whole time? You know, and I think that it's important for women to also see other women win that do this. So I kind of tend to highlight that a lot. But like, it is important to understand, like, you know, this girl the other day, you know, called in and she was like, you know, my, uh, the guy I'm seeing, you know, three months ago, he's, he, he opened up to me emotionally. He's there, emotional, mature. Now I'm afraid to pull the trigger. I'm like, well, that's okay.

46:30Somebody else will get them. You know, I just feel like sometimes you need a little bit of that because what am I going to say to you to get you to convince you to, I'm not going to try to convince you of that. You're just going to do it or you're not. And then somebody else can snatch it. Maybe he's a good dude. Maybe you're letting up a good dude and i think there's some part of that like fear that's important to have like even fear of lack of communication okay he may he may bounce that's possible same with vice versa too you know if he doesn't communicate properly she may be like i don't like this and it's getting to me maybe not going to bounce the way he would have but she's still going to be like turned off maybe she'll look elsewhere so i think there's like this healthy fear associated with that especially early stages because there is an unknown to how somebody's going to deal with that communication but i'm much more of a darwinistic approach to things sounds a little ridiculous but i do kind of find that that works really well to kind of reinstate and i'm not necessarily around communication but that kind of nobody really cares why you're not doing it i know it sounds a little harsh but i do think it's important for people to realize like it's not that big of a deal and nobody does give a shit and they're not really watching me my friends aren't really with all these things getting in the way you kind of have to know that like well you're just going to do what you do you know and if you want to be with somebody and you like them enough you're going to do what it takes and if you aren't then uh you're going to lose the opportunity i'm a little bit more harsher on that i think too it gives you the answer more clearly like faster yeah it's like you'll get the answer if they're into it if they don't want to do it like you'll get the answer pretty quickly that's kind of my approach my approach is listen if you just communicate yeah it's like you'll figure it out over yeah i don't mean like oh tell them everything i'm saying if you start communicating about you know the things you expect i just I just wanted to message you because my anxious attachment is up is I'm stressed out.

48:14And you didn't text like it's like too much.

48:16Lindsey Simcik:Yeah. Agreed. So where's the medium? So what do you what do you do? What do you what would you tell somebody? Talk to a therapist. What would I tell someone? Yeah. What would you tell somebody that's like feeling anxious all the time? Yeah. Just you've got to you need to figure that's your own thing. I do. I what I practice with my clients is parts work. It's internal family systems. So we there's parts work. There's a part of you that believes that you're going to get security from this attachment with this person, whether it's him or another person. You're going to seek that attachment, that relief outside of you.

48:46And so you have to do the work to be with that part that's anxious, self-regulate, soothe, to be okay. And then you can be in true relationship because otherwise you're never going to be in true relationship. You're just going to be looking for the soothe or the balm for this part that's always anxious.

49:01Lindsey Simcik:And I think that like, you know, sending a text like that where it's like my anxious part is wanting to connect with you, whatever, just kind of almost like vomiting that information so early on or early on in a relationship. I feel like over time, like people earn that vulnerability. And granted, I think she could be a little more, you know, someone texting that could be a bit more processed. But like, I think you earn that. I agree. to like just kind of dump it sure i think it's humor until vulnerability is earned humor and play in communication of like what it you know what i mean like just being playful about it and humorous and then vulnerability is like earned after seven years yeah and it's true right like the playfulness i feel like is left out though that's what that's really what it's about like you don't have to it's not about you know oh this is how i'm feeling because this happened to me here it's like you don't have to do all that yeah i'm just saying in general like there's always this you know he has to know you're interested just like you have to know he's interested if you're not willing to give that interest even if it's in the most playful way or playful banter you know i have a fear you're just going to lose out on kind of some beautiful things i agree um so many people are on apps i know you give a lot of advice around dating apps so i i would love to zero in on some like best practices when you're on the dating apps yeah you know i have a couple but i'm not the biggest proponent of dating apps but i understand why people use a lot i totally get it yeah like it why aren't you um because i think it just does the same thing that kind of like social does in some way and in terms of consumption i just feel like it provides you know yeah you don't have like eight gray shirts which is already a lot you have like 308 and it's like how do i choose that you know am i always in the fomo mode and oh yeah yeah you know it's it just you make like globe you you know you used to swim in ponds and now we're swimming in the ocean it's kind of like this weird thing and you just kind of maximize your options there and it's paralyzing you know it's analysis paralysis and especially with raya you're like this man's in south africa i can make it there by thursday like dubai huh yeah right right and then like you just you make it even worse for yourself so i typically don't you know like to encourage them too much i i'm fine with them i just don't like people make them their sole way of meeting people it's just then you fuck up then it's like okay uh this is i'm not going to do anything else but i am going to be here and then you like expect to find gold by swiping on a free app somewhere and so that's that's kind of the problem but in general you know i always say you really got to limit your time on these apps like you really got to take like i don't know what you're currently spending on there but you got to take your two hours are usually on it to like 20 minutes and you got to pick and choose specific people and start dealing with them more intentionally and you're going to say that most of the time, if there's already been a back and forth, they'll deal with you in the same way.

51:52And, you know, even when it comes to getting off apps, I always say to women, you know, I get it, right? But you have to also be empathetic to the guy's perspective. You're looking at who's the best option here for you. And maybe you have a lot on there as a woman, but you also have to see his perspective, which is, I may not have as many as her, but I still have, let's call it 15, just hypothetical number. But I have 15 here, and I have to choose one out of the 15 that I want to spend my money and time on. I know it's a little superficial way to look at it, but that's really how a lot of guys are thinking about it.

52:24And sometimes you also have to stand out as a girl or as a woman on these platforms, not just select and wait to be chosen. I don't like that shit. I don't like it because you do the exact thing you complain about all the time, which is you give all the men the power over you and then you get mad when they don't do what you want. So what are you supposed to do here? So I'm all about giving power back to you. And sometimes you got to take that power and do things in a nice, fun, flirty way without driving the car. So part of the answer there is I always implore women to make a little bit more of an interest to the guys they want specifically.

52:57You know, if you want this guy to take you out and be like, hey, here's my number if you ever want to take me out. Boom. Like you have to understand for I get why you'd see it that way. But on the other side, he doesn't get that much. He gets the same basic conversations that you always get. But if you distinguish yourself like that, he's like, oh, wow, he should actually put it. OK. Most of the time guys would do that if they're showing any interest in you.

53:22Do you feel like if he wanted to, he would? It's true. Yeah. I mean, I had, you know, so many conversations and I feel like, yeah, but there's always a caveat to it. Like kind of like I was saying earlier, it's like, yes, if he wanted to, he would. But like what's going to make him want to when he doesn't know you? You have to you got to you got to switch that up. was like sure yes if he wanted to but like are you that are you making him are you making it easier for him to want to you make it harder and that's where i think that the it's like a misused term it's like when girls throw out narcissism you know and it's just it's just like if he wanted to he would it's just a way to alleviate yourself from doing anything i understand the general premise is true but there's so many nuances here that you're like you're erasing accountability from yourself and that's not okay because you're going to start to meet a lot of punks that are just going to do things yeah they're going to just keep coming out of you because even if you're not reciprocating they're still going to keep going of course you're going to find those dudes but the guys you want most of them are really not going to do that because they also have options too they're not going to play and dick around with you and your little avoidance ass attitude and i know i'm being harsh right now but you know i'm trying to highlight that point where most people that use that over and over again are kind of like all right we get it yeah it's true if he wanted to he would but what are you doing to help him want to yeah

54:46Lindsey Simcik:it doesn't no one's a mind reader no you know yeah we've gotten to this place it's so funny now we're having this conversation we've gotten to this place of like this really weird divisive men versus women in the dating side and it just doesn't help you know it doesn't help people get what they want and when what happens is what i tend to see is like it's all supportive community over here until one somebody gets what they want and they're out the group now say more like the friend like the group chats the friend groups the encouragement of like avoid him leave that alone i know girl you it wasn't it wasn't it wasn't you it's him it's always this and i i understand that it's a good it's a good empowerment system to like make people feel better about themselves but um in some sense you're doing a very bad disservice you know when it's blind in that capacity so sometimes they need a little bit of a check in that in the right direction because again i think it all goes back to like taking your power back and part of taking your power back i think specifically as a woman in today's dating is not always giving it over to the guy because they always do what does that mean that just means it's always up to him he did this he didn't reach out to me he didn't he didn't want to commit to me he hasn't committed to me in two months so okay well did you make it a requirement no okay so what are you supposed to do now you know it's like it's always this he didn't he didn't he's supposed to my friends told me he's supposed to everybody he's always supposed to you know and i just i get where you're coming from but sometimes you got to make things a requirement if that's what you want yeah how would you have that conversation which one specifically commitment yeah oh i mean i say that all the time i get i think that like once it gets past a certain point when it comes to commitment like i get he should okay i get you but let's just say you've been rocking along everything's been kind of girlfriend boyfriendy but he doesn't ask you to be his girlfriend because he might just want to assume that you guys are already that he might just be that in that place so he might not think about relationships in the same way that you do where you're looking for that that and that but if you don't voice that kind of requirement what do you expect him to just like understand exactly what you mean by that.

56:54He's already getting girlfriend. Like what would change in his life? Like he doesn't have this thing. Like you're already kind of my girlfriend. Like what am I supposed to get on my knee and ask you to be my girlfriend? So I'm not saying it's wrong or right, but you do want to get to a level where you can communicate and a way to do that. It was essentially just like, hey, listen, things have been going great. I really like where this is going, but going forward and moving forward, I am looking for commitment. And if that's not something you're willing to give or the moment you can give it in, no problem.

57:18I totally get it. But that's what I'm going to need in order to move forward. Very calm, very peaceful. You weren't like hating like, oh, I need this to happen. It's just the way it's discussed. And if he says, well, I don't really know, then you know the answer. If he says, yeah, of course, no problem. I didn't really think there was such a big – then yeah. That's how I think about it. And I think the part of that, the – and if not, it's no problem.

57:43Lindsey Simcik:Yeah. It's like an interesting internalized confidence that you kind of have to work on before you even get into these situations. But that I 100 % agree. 100 % agree. But that's that right. Like I'm good no matter what. I would do that as an out though to be a void. And I'm like if you don't want it's no problem. You know because I'd be like all right. But the way you're saying it and the way I think that you would want someone to embody it is like truly I'm good. Yeah. Like if you're not wanting to commit, that's actually helping me out because now I know your truth and we don't have to proceed.

58:14Lindsey Simcik:Now I can actually make a decision moving forward that's in our best interest rather than just kind of like floating on what's not being said. Yeah, I think it's like a subtle little confidence. And I also think that like, yeah, it is kind of like a giving it out. But I also think that's important because you're giving him a reason to not want to hide it anymore. If he doesn't want to, you're just saying, okay, let's pressure him to say, you know what, you're right. I actually don't. Like that right there, that little caveat made him feel relaxed enough in context where he would be like, yeah, you know what?

58:43Maybe you're right. Like he knows you're not going to like lash at his throat or nothing.

58:47Lindsey Simcik:Yeah. You know, so there's something about that that's kind of like alleviating the room. That's why I add that little piece in because I just I think that's important. What about have you ever had to do that, Lindsay? What? Ask for commitment. Ask for commitment.

59:10Lindsey Simcik:No, because when I was like in those like situationships for so long in my 20s, like I knew in my heart of hearts that they didn't want to commit. So I never asked. Yeah, that's a good point. That's actually a good point. You're scared to even ask. Yeah. That might be the answer. Yeah, it was actually interesting with Sean because we knew each other from back in the day but didn't start dating until like 2019 when we reconnected. and he had just gotten out of a relationship and I actually said to him I was like if you need a moment because I know you just broke up with like someone he had been in relationship with for almost two years I was like that's totally fine but I was like I know like we're meant to be together so like I'm here it wasn't a I'll be here forever it was more like if you need a moment because I can see you processing the fact that I'm back in your life and this is kind of trippy so that was interesting I've never done that before right but that kind of phrase and statement could have been like the single most empowering thing for him to be like she's so great you know what i mean like i really like i think i got to the point i remember a few months prior to reconnecting with him i was like i'm good i'm good if i meet my person if i don't like i just been single for so long and i was like i love myself but that's that's the kind of confidence that a guy would like actually because it shows it's like hey listen i want this yeah but if you need a second you need a second like that i don't know why just a lot of guys would really find that relieving yeah yeah there's a freedom and a relief i think men feel when a woman is like regulated and gives up like is has that type of thing like and speaks to them a little bit more plainly of like hey we're good like you know what i mean there's like a yeah makes them even want you more in some way because there's this thing about you that you know he finds also very desirable yeah it's like a trait in somebody that's always desirable when like you don't need but like of course i desire it yeah you know um but when you come off like it's like i need to close the deal yeah that's one thing that i i know a lot of women don't actually do that but they talk about it to me like that it's like how do i get him to commit i'm like get him to commit like if this isn't a seamless conversation you're done you're hooked up what are we talking about get him to commit This isn't a contract.

1:01:25Not slide over a contract and say sign the deal. You don't sign this deal.

1:01:30Lindsey Simcik:What do you think about sex during the dating, courting process? Oh, that's a good one. I don't think I've heard you talk about that. Yeah, what part? Open-ended questions. In those early dating days, I was a girl that used it as a calling card. I said, let me show you how amazing I am. And then you get digmatized in some situations or whatever. and you get one of usually one person gets really attached so what are your thoughts yeah hold off it's a good question actually like i just feel like you know my original thought is i don't think sex and keep a guy and i don't think he can get his interest in reality i think he can get his interest for the things that maybe you don't want him to get his you don't want to get his interest for um but i don't think it's like a lever point and i know a lot of women actually think that it is, but once they happen, they feel like they lost leverage.

1:02:21But I always have one rule. My rule when it comes to sex, especially early stage is essentially, listen, if you don't sleep with any man, unless you've gotten to a point where if this were to fall apart, you'd be okay with it. That really just means that you've made a decision as a grown consenting adult to do what you want to do because you wanted to do it. If you don't feel that way about this guy, that if it were to fall, that you'd be okay. You don't sleep with him because nobody is going to feel later on what you're going to feel. You're going to feel like, damn, I got played. He did this to me.

1:02:54He led me on. No, no, no. There's none of that conversation. You don't sleep with him then. If you can't deal with it, potentially going the other way. It's always a potential. It's always a possibility. That's it. And I don't like to use the number rule, like five, four dates, It's eight days. I just don't buy it. I can understand the logic behind it, why you would say, well, the longer you wait, the more he's invested. I'm like, well, that's not really true. In some way, yes. But in other ways, there are certain types of guys that will wait it out long enough and say, oh, she's playing with me?

1:03:26Okay. I'm done. I'll play for a little bit. Once I get, I am leaving. Oh, that's interesting. I've never heard of that. There are. There are. I'm not saying it's the majority, but if they feel played with, there are guys that will be like, okay, she feels like she can play with me. Yeah. that's so dark because no because the thing from a guy's standpoint okay i understand but let me just be sure so if you don't have sex with them that's playing with them well if you're talking about over 10 20 yeah i mean depending on the time frame if there's no yes definitely because

1:03:54Lindsey Simcik:a guy listen but he's like he's playing because he's going to come up in conversation don't you agree like where it's like oh i love consent so we're not it's like we're adults we're we're kind of dating and the fact that we haven't had sex is definitely on everyone's mind don't you feel like that yes but you know i know that a lot of women typically tend to use the sex thing as like a leverage point like i was saying i agree i totally agree but the problem with that is which is not i guess it's not necessarily a problem i'm all for it right it's fine but when you decide to play the game of like longevity you have to understand the guy's standpoint some were opt out and some would say i'm i'm just not because a lot of guys date for intimacy if there's no intimacy no guys date in any girl period end of story they don't like you that much they like you but if intimacy is not on the table there's no way yeah he has to have some possibility of intimacy at some point at some point if that's off the table i'm like i'm fun to be around yes you definitely are but for a guy dating is money for sure and you have to understand part of that so he's like if i ask Okay, fine.

1:05:03No problem. You don't want to sleep. I totally understand. You shouldn't have to sleep with any man. Of course, you shouldn't even desire it. But the point is, if that were the case, okay, you could pay for the dates until it's time. Of course, none of them would accept that. But the point is, the point is, of course, it's a part of the conversation of the deal. That's the whole point. If it's not on the table, then like, why? Why would he keep just going on just because like, he likes spending time with you, but you're not thinking about from his standpoint that's that's always a main you're not thinking about blue balls you don't know this is like hey that too but you know i don't think a guy should be driven by sex in that capacity i'm just saying that you know long enough when you get when you when you almost feel like you're playing the game some guys will be like i feel like i'm being played with yeah or like friend zone probably or like friend zone yeah you know i i think many guys that kind of have good character won't even get to that point it'd be like if i feel a play i'm just yeah or i'm taking advantage

1:06:02Lindsey Simcik:of or yeah i feel like i see that a lot but many girls wouldn't do that with guys they really like i guess it's my ultimate point unless they're like doing abstinence and that's okay too but just communicate it yeah right right what's one thing you wish women knew about men

1:06:20um

1:06:24I think they do know. I just think that it's kind of gotten blinded that, like, men care so deeply about women that I just don't think that they really think about it that way. I think that guys will start to, you know, guys will do almost anything, especially for the women that they really like. And I just don't think that's, like, such a concept that they see. You know, I think when a lot of women talk about men, they talk about the men they don't like, you know, and, like, the guys, like, the archetype. but like most guys are willing to like do so much for you and so i think that's one that's a main one that i would say yeah you know just in general like i just think that guys care so deeply about a lot of women like you know there's i just think that they would they would die for you and i just don't think that's like such a level that's communicated i know it's like the divisiveness of social doesn't make that message clear but i think for most guys when they like a girl they will really go above and beyond.

1:07:18Lindsey Simcik:I agree. Do you feel like I know your audience is mostly women, but whether it's your friends or just men you meet in community, do you feel like men are interested in like, generally speaking, becoming their best selves so that they can be in relationship and like have the tools and be in healthy relationships? Do you feel like women are kind of surpassing them in some way? What is your read on that? Yeah, it's a good question. I think there's like, I think that the general kind of feel out here right now is that women have surpassed men in that element. And I wouldn't disagree with that. But I think it's gotten a little bit overplayed in terms of how it's communicated.

1:08:02I agree with you that there's a lot of guys, there's a lot of areas that guys can improve on. But I think the methods in which they do it are not in alignment the way that maybe the methods that a lot of women do it. And I think that, you know, like in general therapy, right? which I'm all very much for. It's just a lot of guys don't get a lot from going to therapy and putting all their stuff on the table, whereas a lot of girls are like, if he hasn't been to therapy, that's a no. I'm like, well, you kind of, you know, it depends on how you're quantifying the self-improvement development realm.

1:08:33But I wouldn't say that – I would say that a lot of guys right now are – I have seen more opting out of proactive dating tool development. It doesn't mean it's right or wrong. I just, I do see that. So I do think that women are a little bit more, but it's gotten a little bit overplayed where social's created a different world for it. Yeah.

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1:10:19Lindsey Simcik:This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Can we normalize needing support before we're completely overwhelmed? I think so many of us wait until we're at our breaking point to ask for help when support doesn't have to be a last resort. BetterHelp's 2026 state of stigma report surveyed 2 ,000 Americans and revealed that 85 % of Americans believe getting support is wise, yet 74 % say society discourages people from doing so. We talk about mental health more openly than ever, but there's still this message that we should just push through and handle it all on our own. But with over 30 ,000 therapists and more than 6 million people serve globally, BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals.

1:11:10Lindsey Simcik:And if your match isn't the right fit, you can switch at any time. Don't let stigma stand in the way of support. Start therapy with BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10 % off at betterhelp.com slash almost 30. That's betterhelp.com slash almost 30. Depending on how we're quantifying what that improvement looks like. Can you give us an example? of improvement with men um or both yeah i think my thing is always my thing's always communication like the ability to communicate the ability to have congruency between your inner world and what you're speaking and what how you are energetically so this is what i'm thinking this is what i'm feeling this is what i'm able to communicate so that's like the biggest thing of of that shows growth for me because i think too a lot of men i love men but a lot of men haven't been socialized as much to communicate as much as women have.

1:12:08Like I'm communicating for 12 hours a day. I'm talking to women for about emotions for fucking eight hours a day. So it's just very easy for me to find language, to use language, to communicate how I'm feeling or whatever. But men haven't really been given that chance as much. So for me, that's like one of the biggest signs of growth. It doesn't need to be like deeply spiritual or like into personal growth, but you have to be able to have like a deep sense of self and then some sort of like internalized anchor or foundation for how you live your life like what is the form that you live your life and then communication I think what's yours I think for me it's like that that discipline and commitment to their own growth in their own way so that could look very different from me right and I'm okay with that um you know

1:12:53Lindsey Simcik:they don't need to be going to the healers and the therapist and this like I'm doing but I think to have an interest in that and cultivating just a sense of self and knowing themselves better and better as if we're in relationship, like as we evolve, like I think that is very attractive to me and just makes me feel safe in a way. Self-awareness too. Yeah. Self-awareness. That's like a baseline in every relationship. I have a self-awareness. But I also, yeah. I'm just thinking about men. I'm like, okay, so what is stopping them? Because I feel like they're so quick to optimize for work, for intramural basketball.

1:13:39Lindsey Simcik:So real. You know what I mean? So real. Their fantasy football team is fully set. To invest in that stuff. And so when it comes to investing in themselves in that emotional capacity way or like just having that understanding of how they show up to relationships, knowing that relationships are like, especially the person you end up marrying is one of the most important decisions of your life. It's just interesting to me how that's kind of not the first, one of the first things they... Well, I feel like from an evolutionary perspective, women have been valued based on their ability to connect in community.

1:14:15So it's like that's our currency is community and connection. And I think men are still valued mostly for their success.

1:14:20Lindsey Simcik:Yeah. So it's like they're still being that's like even women prioritize men who make more money or you know what I mean, whatever. So until I think that currency would shift, men probably don't see a true deep reason or need to be as adept as us in that way. And in some capacity, not all, but I agree with you. I just think in some capacity, they even get penalized for it. Say, OK. Yeah. I mean, listen, I understand that the desires for the guy to really have been in touch with his emotions and open up to a point. But I would tell you that they're not really conditioned to even do that with their friends.

1:14:51I agree. Like, you know, they don't sit with their friends facing each other. Like, we don't do this. We would do this and we would talk like this. For sure. I wouldn't be like, so tell me.

1:15:01Lindsey Simcik:Yeah. You know, it's just not happening. Like there's a superficial lens amongst like. There's a game on, there's chips on the table. Yeah, literally. But we're talking deep shit. Yeah. Because there's always like a weird tension, you know, with guys. It's always kind of gay. But it could be like direct. Don't be homoerotic. Like, you know, it could be like direct in a weird way with guys. So they're not really conditioned to open up about like the details of their day. They're like, I don't give a fuck about your day. Guys talk macro. Women talk micro. Yeah. Guys are like, so, you know, and sometimes guys just like want to bullshit.

1:15:31They don't really want to get that. It's like, you know, your one friend, your one guy friend has to open up about it. You're like, all right, man, relax.

1:15:38Lindsey Simcik:So, you know, like get over it. It's just this weird condition. But I also think we could use a little of that in our circles. And then you guys can use a little of our juice in your circles. I agree 100%. I totally agree, by the way. I agree. I agree. I should be like, shut the fuck up. You talked about that. You don't know. No, for sure. Like even one of my best friends, I'm not going to name he, my best friend, who's a little more, has a little more of like some feminine trait to him. That's part of the reason why he's my best friend because I'm so not this thing. And there's something I grabbed from like, wow, he's actually like in college, he got the most girls ever.

1:16:11And I was like, holy shit. now for you know different reasons and for different things but like the point being you know he was just i think it depends right it depends on like your archetype of guy you're talking about it depends on a variety of factors like you know he's a 6 '3 fucking like long-haired spaniard dude you know i mean so you have you have the traits obviously that would make sense why you can be vulnerable and nobody's gonna be like you know they'll give you a pass on it no problem like you know the 6 '5 dude can get away with a lot more than the 5 '6 guy would get away Like it's just not even comparing.

1:16:43So that matters, right? And sometimes guys don't feel as comfortable or confident to be like, this is how I felt today. And this is what I was going through. But where have I passed it now? You know, they just don't feel that because they know that at some point, maybe you feel a little unsafe about I can't be your rock because now I put you in the rock position. So there's this thing where I think that's what I meant by the conditioning of a lot of guys. they get a little conditioned or negatively rewarded when they start to open up because they get the sense from the woman that she's like doubting him yeah i know it sounds real

1:17:16Lindsey Simcik:it's true and it's real and she's like wow i thought he was the rock no it's so real you can't be the rock anymore where do i have to look for my next rock anytime your man gets sick i'm like this ain't it what he needs me right now he's sick no for real you know i dated a girl a while ago and i used to take like by the way i put the shower on a little hot like it wasn't even hot and she was like what a pussy you're so hot i was like it's warm she was like you don't take cold showers i was like no you're like what do you think i am you're like jocko willink i called i called my ex a pussy i think like two years in and i never went i don't think it was ever the same honestly i was like i'm noted never calling me yeah then he definitely feels like you you Yeah, that just was like a different era of me.

1:18:07Lindsey Simcik:Hilarious. Okay, this was very fun. I think the last question for me is... What questions do you want to ask us? Yeah, I mean, I got a lot. All right, go. All right, what are the biggest problems that men are facing in dating? You guys see. Okay, that's a great question.

1:18:29i think men oh okay i think men are overwhelmed with the surface level options there's a lot of beautiful women that are nice and successful i think differentiating them and deciding which one you're going to go deep with is hard for a man is that true are you asking me i would say yeah yeah finish your thought i think that's and then you can rattle i think also too what is men and dating? I do think women want commitment so much. I think women want to get the, sign the deal, close the deal too soon. And they feel a lot of pressure. And I think men feel a lot of pressure to be very successful and make a lot of money.

1:19:08And so they are like, how do I balance being successful and making money with being in relationship? And so they don't really know if they can do both. And they're always, I think men's biggest fear is disappointing women. And so it's like, how do I be doing that without disappointing her?

1:19:21Lindsey Simcik:That's what I think. That's a big one, I think, with just the trajectory of success and pursuing what they want to pursue career-wise, but then also knowing that, you know, being in relationship is going to be an important part of their life. But I think they have the luxury because they're men. They don't have the ticking time bomb inside of them. Yeah, they can wait. They can wait a little longer. And so the settling down thing, I think a lot of men kind of put off. And then I also I do think I do think men, at least the men that I know, are really genuinely looking for like, I think now in this day and age, there's so many.

1:20:05Lindsey Simcik:It sounds like really bad because we're in this world. There's a lot of like. Influencer face. they're on online and i think it's like it's like men are looking at women online and so they're like oh i think i want that and then they're meeting women in person and they're not that but they don't really want that in a white like there's kind of this weird thing happening there's the fantasy and then what they really want and i don't know if they've come to like full digestion of what that actually means for them in pursuing women. Yeah. What do you feel about what you said? I think they're all pretty accurate.

1:20:46I'm just curious what you thought about it, you know. I don't think that men have as many options as women think they do. Oh, that's interesting. At all, actually. I think there's like a small group of men that most women tend to think about. When I say a man, most women are like, they think of like the guy that's like, the guys that they would want to date. Fair. Like Michael B. Jordan. Yeah. yeah you're like michael b jordan like has his selection i'm like yeah i know it's like you're like but nick down the street not everybody nick down the street can't even get a dm back yeah um so i think that that's like i think sometimes um people think that it's the same the other side it's definitely not um but i can understand why and most of the stuff is true i think that guys have this they do have this feel and pressure to be productive because that gets him to a place where they can actually kind of like choose in some way, but they've never had that, by the way, like, so the 20s guy, he just, he doesn't have it in from a committable standpoint.

1:21:50So when he does get to the point, whether it's 34, or whether it's 32, or whether it's 38, whatever it is, when he does get to that point, he is a little more or less likely to commit. because of that reason you know he actually for the first time for most times especially in a major city like new york he has options for commitment that he didn't have at 26 because the 26th girl was dating a 31 year old dude or whatever it was and that kind of moves its way up so the phase of life matters that's why when i hear a lot of women say that they're dating guy 15 years younger than i have no issue with that the only problem is the expectations that come along with is he ready for the phase of life you're ready in and um phase of life matters so much so when i i'm just saying that when i see guys and they shift to once they hit their mid 30s in a place like new york or another city they get to a point where they're desired by the 26 year old and the 35 year old so you have this thing where they didn't have at 26 like they weren't able to even take the 35 year old maybe you sleep with her for a night but that was it yeah they wouldn't get it they wouldn't like a commitment candidate you know so i don't think i think that's worth mentioning is my point for women to think about it in a way of like okay i can understand maybe but i think both have to really understand i think men need to really understand women a little bit better you know uh early stage and beyond like i really you pass date three i know this is the marker of date three but like even just to get to the first date you know they're a little bit more awkward they're not approaching women they don't know how to say high to them and everything else and i get that because there is also on the other side of it there is a fear that this girl is like you know what she gonna put me on blast she gonna talk about me i know it sounds ridiculous to women like no she wouldn't i mean his feed is the same as yours like it's not like he still sees that shit and he's like gonna make some make some less comfortable doing it that's all i feel like there's been a resurgence of men approaching people is there i feel like that i feel like how often do you get approached i i i do a lot i do a lot lately because i'm just really open and nice yeah love that yeah are you gonna ask me yes yeah you were no i'm like not in spaces and places i'm like i think i

1:24:04Lindsey Simcik:smell married i think i you know i have a child like it's just it's different they look down at the left hand you're like yeah i guess like it's it's very interesting but i don't know what's up with women looking at guys rings i've never done that in my whole life i need to do that but i don't what is it i'm gonna your opinion on that like what is the attraction to married men oh i do not have that maybe not you guys but in general like just like a thing you know i think they see that he can commit and he's a good man and they want that right so they want the marriage you know so it's like they see that and they oh i don't think so i have too much i would feel too guilty to ever do that i would be like but would you i want that karma but would you still be that attracted to him if he like cheated on his wife with you know what i'm saying like would you want to pursue the married man is that what you're asking i think women get more attracted to men that are married yeah there's like a weird thing about married guys like you guys with kids or guys with things like there's something that like oh yeah going after a guy with kids is so dark yeah like what I see it.

1:25:05I know. I know. I don't.

1:25:06Lindsey Simcik:Oh, I know. I have like, but I see the attraction is what you're saying. Like being more attractive. Yeah. Yeah. Like there's something, does it speak stability? Like what is about it? Yeah. I think it's like, he's done it already. I think, I do think women have the deep desire to be chosen. And so that desire to be chosen will lead them to do things. And I actually did this for a little bit where I was like, I wasn't ready to be in a relationship, but I was dating men that are unavailable. And I was like, oh the the barrier for like me being chosen was greater like one guy that had kids he was wasn't married had kids didn't want more kids i want kids so i would still dating him and that would be a barrier for him to be like i want kids now so i had that in there it was like he would love me if he chose to have children with me do you know what i mean like i'm like and so i was like okay that's interesting but i think that thing would be like he would love me if he left you know for them he would love me if he left the relationship chose me over his wife chose me over this like the amount of choosing that he would have to do would then prove that I'm worthy of being chosen.

1:26:02Sure. So it just like creates a further thing for it, you know? Yeah. But I don't know, man. Because a lot of your questions are women with relationships. Yeah. They're like, they're like, he's, he's in a relationship, but he doesn't seem happy. What should I do?

1:26:18Lindsey Simcik:It's so unreal. You're like, what? But you can easily get into those delusional states. Do you know what I mean? Where you're just like, I know he's unhappy. I think he's going to leave him for me. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, it's real. Where you forget how self-adbanding that is. Yes, and you then get, this is the whole thing. Then you get older and you're like, if my man was talking to another woman about our relationship, I'm complete. What kind of relationship are you and your man's talking to another woman about how bad your relationship is? It's a no for me. What do you have going on?

1:26:50What can our community look forward to seeing from you? Where can they find you? Yeah. First off, thank you guys for having me on. It's so fun. I really appreciate that. Number two, yeah, I'm having an event October 9th. Right now at the moment, it's at Somewhere Nowhere. Okay, cool. But yeah, if they're interested in attending the event, it's going to be a little bit more like my TikTok show in some capacity. Q &A, people on stage, having a good time. You can follow along at BennyInc.com. I'm sorry, BennyInc on TikTok and Instagram. Okay, cool. Can't wait. E-N-N-Y-I-N-C. I'm excited for that.

1:27:21Okay, guys. Good luck out there. We love you.

1:27:24Lindsey Simcik:We love you. Bye. Goodbye.

1:27:29Lindsey Simcik:You're the best, Benny. We love you. Thank you so much for coming on the show. And we will see you at your event on October 9th at Somewhere Nowhere. You can get tickets at the link in our show notes. And thank you all for listening. We just appreciate you sharing this episode or any other episode that you love. It really helps us to grow. So yeah, sending it to a friend is such a heartfelt thing. Whenever people send me episodes of something, it's such a fun way to connect. So we love that you guys share. Thank you for writing a review and rating Almost 30 and for following us on Instagram at Almost 30 Podcast.

1:28:02You can find me on Instagram at itskrista. And I'm at lindsaystimsick. All right, everybody.

1:28:06Lindsey Simcik:We'll see you on the next one. Bye. Bye.

1:28:17you