802. Three Simple Practices That Transformed My Relationship

0:13Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Almost 30 podcast. It's Lindsey. Welcome to another solo episode. If you're new to the podcast, we do solo episodes, both individually and together each month. And we also interview incredible experts and teachers and leaders in the spaces of health and wellness and relationships and spirituality. And I'm so glad you're here. I'm curious how you found us. You can DM us on Instagram at almost 30 podcast, or I'm at Lindsay Simsek. I am always just loving talking to you all in the DMs. This solo episode, I'm excited to kiki with you all on. It comes from some personal experience as of late, and I feel like it's a timely check-in.

1:03So I want to talk about three things that I feel have changed my marriage for the better lately. Lots of change happening. We became new parents in the last two years. We recently moved. There have been career shifts. There have been career highs and lows, you know, life, right? And I'm sure a lot of you are nodding like, yes, I've experienced that. And I've been in a relationship through that. And so it's been imperative for me and my husband, Sean, to have consistent practices, rituals, promises to each other that keep us connected and on track and deepening even when life gets complicated and life gets really fast and busy and chaotic at times.

1:57So I'm going to share those with you today. I also have some that I haven't tried yet that I wanted to share with you that I have picked up from other couple friends that have shared with me and that I'm actually going to try with my husband, uh, soon. So I just felt like sharing this with you, though. I'm not an expert will hopefully be relatable, but also just kind of bring your attention and focus back to your intimate relationship if you're in one. And this can also be really helpful if you're someone who is not in relationship right now, but you intend to be at some point, it's just good to note, um, just some things that you can employ like really early on in the relationship to keep it healthy, to keep it alive.

2:42So let's get into it. My first, my first change that I made that we made after actually after moving recently, we moved at the top of 2025 and my husband and I now have a bath in our bathroom, which we have not had before. And so we do tub time every Sunday. And tub time is a time when we get together after Mav goes to bed. Usually before my husband gets into any work on a Sunday night, usually before I do like all of my like, you know, rituals in the bathroom and we take a bath and we share with each other our highs of the week, our lows of the week, what we're grateful for. And then we get to ask each other some additional questions to be answered.

3:43So things like, you know, what was one thing I did this past week that you really loved? Um, is there one thing I can do for you this upcoming week that would be supportive? Is there anything that you would love to talk about more deeply, maybe that we started this week or the last few weeks would love to continue? So those are just some examples, but I find that this like intimate intentional time is a great container for the things that, you know, you have on your heart during the week, but you don't feel like there's ever the quote right time to bring it up. It's a container that you can trust to be there.

4:29It's a container that you can trust will most likely make you feel better afterwards. I always feel so much better after we have this time together. I learned something about my husband. Usually he says something or has insight about something that I did that I didn't even necessarily think about twice that really made him feel good. And so that's a note for me to do it again. So it's a really insightful time. And it just reminds me too that like we have to stay curious in our intimate relationships with the people that we are closest to. It can be really easy to assume that we know everything about them.

5:12We know their quirks. We can predict what they're going to say, what they're going to do, how they're feeling. We can assume how they're feeling, which is never a great thing to do. But this time just kind of brings you under the hood of their last week. And I've had many moments in tub time where I've gotten emotional, happy tears, sad tears, and it's a safe place for me to do that. So whether you have a tub or not, you can do this. Maybe it's not in the tub. Maybe it's shower time. Maybe it's the dinner you have after the kids go to bed. If you do have kids, maybe it is, you know, what you do on the couch before you turn your Sunday evening TV on.

6:04I just find that having the scheduled, having this promise to each other is so, so integral. Um, and I think for me, it hasn't been as easy to do weekly dates with my husband. We try our very best. So this kind of feels like a mini yet very intentional little at home date for us. And it really kind of fills my cup in the same way. Last thing I'll say about tub time and this intentional time. time, it really lets some little things be seen before they pile up. And that can happen very easily in a marriage, in an intimate relationship where life is moving fast and you are in little ways kind of getting annoyed about things, whether it's what the other person's doing or not doing.

7:00And resentment can build quite quickly. And it all of a sudden becomes this just like very ugly monster in the room and it could have been dissolved or prevented by having these weekly conversations, these check-ins. And even knowing that you have the check-in, I feel like I'm less prone to have resentment build during the week. So I'm like, oh, yeah, we can bring this up in time where we kind of are settled and more grounded and peaceful. We're not distracted. So I definitely think it's a mitigator of small things that compound and turn into bigger things. Okay. Second thing that has changed my marriage for the better is letting the unresolved in our relationship, some issues, quote unquote, that don't feel like they've been totally solved or tended to or healed, be okay.

8:07I think, you know, I'm someone in the past who felt a lot of shame around things that I didn't have figured out yet, or I didn't have healed. But what I've realized, and I only recently had this realization because my husband and I had a chat and an experience the other weekend that I'll share in a moment that helped me to understand that there are going to be issues that arise in your intimate relationships. The same issue will arise more than once. And I think my tendency in the past would be to say to myself, why is this coming up again? didn't you already bring this up? Why aren't you like intentionally working on this?

8:53Why haven't you healed this or fixed this? And I normally would have grown like very just frustrated and maybe even blamed my partner for like not meeting me halfway and working on this as well. So what I realized, it was like this aha moment, was that in relationship, you are meant to work on very particular things with this person. I believe it's a part of your soul contract. And it's not going to be the one and done thing with these particular issues. If these issues have depth and maybe come from a very early place in your life and are very deeply ingrained in who you are or what you expect or experience or in your partners, then it's going to take more than one conversation.

9:52It's going to come up more than once. And it's going to rear its head in different seasons of your life for very particular reasons. These issues can be layered. And I'm like hesitating even to say issues because that sounds like kind of like ugly. But I can't think of another word. So we'll just call them issues. But I'll give you the example. So it was the other weekend and I think it was on Friday night. My husband and I were laying in bed and I had had a pretty hard week. I shared this on Instagram and I haven't shared publicly the specifics of this and I will in my own timing. But I had kind of an emergency medical situation.

10:45And so it was very unexpected and it just kind of, yeah, totally surprised me, upset me, upset us. It was really scary and I was coming off of that. I believe it was like almost two weeks, maybe a week and a half prior to us like just being there in bed. And so he – it was our first weekend. We were going into our first weekend that I felt like in a few weeks' time had been like normal. We had gone from vacation into this medical emergency. And I just was like really looking forward to a weekend where it felt like we were having our quality time. And it just felt normal because I hadn't felt normal in a couple of weeks.

11:31So I asked him, so what do you like want to do this weekend? Like what are the things that you want to get done or like what can we be mindful of? He's like, well, I want to take a run tomorrow. And then my friends are here from Miami. So I think we're going to do lunch midday. And like he named all these things that didn't involve me or math. And I was like, what? how dare you? You know? And what's really interesting about that is not that he doesn't want to spend time with us, but I had asked him like, what, what do you want to do? And in the context of that conversation, he was sharing with me the things that he desired and spending time with us was, was, and is kind of always a part of the weekend and a part of the plan.

12:23Um, but I was just very sensitive in that moment. And he was like, well, I feel like I had like an attitude. He's like, do you want to talk about something? And I was like, you know, I just like really want to spend time with you guys. And he's like, okay. He's like, you, you can, you can say that and you can be specific about what that looks like. You know, like, do you want to do like an adventure in the afternoon after his nap? He's like, but it's important that like you are communicating clearly. And I realized that what I'm working on and it's coming up again and again is this challenge I have with asking for what I desire and being specific and being overly communicative about it because there's that part of me I think a lot of women have that are like, you should know that I want this and like you should want it too in the same way.

13:28And why, why aren't you the same as me and feeling misunderstood and all the things. So I just, I had a very emotional moment and the next day we came together and spoke about it just after I had processed a bit and had, He had processed a bit and I told him, I was like, man, I was like really bummed that this came up again because we've had this conversation a few times and like my frustration with what I, what I shared. And, um, you know, I was just like, I am insanely human and I just haven't truly like kind of gotten this yet. And I, I have to accept that. And I have to accept that there are levels to this and it takes practice and I'm not always going to get it right.

14:23And, you know, we ended up having like a really beautiful, healthy conversation about that. But all that to say is that this issue has come up before. And I just want to encourage you if you're in an intimate relationship to be okay with something that feels a little bit unresolved, that feels maybe like it's a repetitive thing that keeps coming up. I trust you to know that if this thing keeps coming up, I trust you to know that whether it's a thing that is, you know, has layers and is just like deepening your connection is just something you must work on over time versus something that is a red flag.

15:03So I trust you to discern that.

15:08I feel like for a long time, money felt way more stressful than it needed to be. I stress so hard about money, especially when it came to banking and all the random fees you don't even realize you're paying. I feel like one day I woke up, I was like, wait, how was I charged$40 like eight times? What is happening? That's why I've really been into Chime. It's a smarter, fee-free way to bank that actually feels like it's built for real life, not old school banks charging overdraft and monthly fees just for existing. With Chime, you get paid up to two days early with direct deposit and their MyPay feature lets you access up to$500 of your paycheck when you choose.

15:43That flexibility alone has helped me feel way more calm and in control around money. It's awesome. They also help you build credit history stress-free and you can earn up to 3 % APY on savings, which is seven times higher than a traditional bank. Plus, they're rated five stars by USA Today for customer service. Real humans available 24-7. And their new Chime card is such a shift. You can build credit with your own money and earn cash back at the same time. It's awesome. No annual fees, no interest, no strings attached, no anything. With qualifying direct deposits, you get 1.5 % cash back on eligible purchases.

16:19I use this and honestly, my younger self would have benefited so much from it. Chime is not just smarter banking. it is the most rewarding way to bank. Join the millions who are already banking fee-free today. It just takes a few minutes to sign up. Head to chime.com slash almost 30. That is chime.com slash almost 30.

16:37Lindsey:Chime is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services, a secured Chime Visa credit card, and MyPay line of credit provided by the Bancor Bank N.A. or Stride Bank N.A. MyPay eligibility requirements apply, and credit limit ranges$20 to$500. Optional services and products may have fees or charges. See chime.com slash fees info. Advertised annual percentage yield with Chime Plus status only. Otherwise, 1.00 % APY applies. No min balance required. Chime card on-time payment history may have a positive impact on your credit score. Results may vary. See Chime.com for details and applicable terms.

16:58You know how in your 20s your body starts slowing down in ways you don't notice at first? Definitely started for me in like my late 20s, maybe early 30s. Your joints feel a little stiffer, skin less plump, energy dips. Yeah. Okay. That's when I started paying attention to collagen. Paleo Valley's bone broth protein is made from 100 % grass-fed, grass-finished beef bones, Slow Simmered from Small Scale Regenerative Farms. They do it right. I am obsessed. I'm like kind of holding myself back because I am so obsessed for their bone broth protein. I actually have it in my little cup over there. I love the chocolate.

17:35It is packed with collagen to support skin, hair, nails, gut health, and joints. Plus it's clean. It can be unflavored if you want the unflavored and gently processed with no chemicals at all or additives. I love adding it to coffee, to smoothies, or just hot water like I do with my chocolate. It tastes like a creamy chocolate or vanilla milkshake without the sugar. It's so good. It's basically all the benefits of slow simmered bone broth in 30 seconds, giving you 13 to 15 grams of protein per serving to help you stay fuller and support metabolism. You can head to paleovalley.com slash almost 30 or use the code 830 at checkout for 15 % off your first purchase.

18:20Again, my favorite is the chocolate bone broth protein. I will make sure to put this with hot water. Sometimes I'll add like a little dash of milk, even though you don't really need it. They have like a really clean coconut powder in there that gives it that creaminess, but it is so delicious. I'm telling everyone about it. Again, that's paleovalley.com slash almost 30. The code is A30, A30 at checkout for 15 % off your purchase. The recurring conversation is something that can teach you something new every single time. So this time around, I realized that I had some subconscious feelings that were directing the conversation.

19:07I didn't realize in the moment that my somewhat traumatic experience a week and a half before was dictating this entire conversation. And I only realized that the next morning. And so I learned that. I was like, oh, wow, you know, sometimes I'm not conscious of what's directing this conversation and I need time to sit with it and process and cry and just kind of let things flow in order to get to that clarity. So that was something I learned about myself. And yeah, it was just a, it was a light bulb. So I wanted to share that. And I think the second part of, you know, this, this change that I've made or this reframe that I've made around this is that having time to process individually to allow the heightened emotional state to come to a more neutral place is essential.

20:07I feel like in a, what feels like conflict because it allows us to come together and be so much more grounded, so much more in our bodies. so much more respectful to the other person, to be able to listen, to be able to understand what we individually are bringing to this moment subconsciously and consciously. So give yourself time after an initial conflict. If you need space, take it. If you feel like you're in a heated conversation with your partner and you feel like it's going nowhere, you feel like you're just kind of like circling and nothing's really landing or nothing's really moving forward, take a break.

20:56Sleep on it. Sometimes you will go to bed a little uneasy. I'm not saying you need to like go to bed angry and hate the other person, but I think sometimes it helps to sleep on it, especially for me as someone who's an emotional authority in human design. If you know, you know, it takes me a minute. I need to allow that emotional wave to really pass. So when we came together the next day, we found ourselves outside, sat down, and just let each other talk and really listened and repeated back what we heard the other person say. And And we found various ways in which we were going to then work on this and acknowledged the experience of the other person in all of this.

21:50So it was very, very helpful. So giving yourself the permission to let things be unresolved, let things be worked on over time, not needing to fix it right away because you're obsessed with just controlling everything and everything being okay. I feel you. I hear you. I've been there. I wasn't always great with conflict. I never saw conflict resolution in a healthy way in my household. And so I didn't know what that looked like, but now I do. And then two, to give yourself time and space after a conflict. it's just, it's the gift that keeps on giving. Give yourself time and space, be in your own energy, allow yourself to emote, allow yourself to reflect, maybe journal a little bit and then come together a few hours later or the next day.

22:41And I promise you, you will have a clearer, better, healthier conversation. Um, so I hope that helps. Okay. The third thing that I feel like has changed my marriage for the better as of late is a voice memo appreciation practice. So this is not something I'm doing every single day, but it's something I do when I feel like I just am, you know, overflowing with gratitude for my husband or about something he did or just, you know, there could be multiple things I voice note him about. Um, but you could voice note, you could text, um, you can call them in the middle of the day if they're at work. Um, you can write a note.

23:33Sometimes I'll write little cards just because, um, but it's, it's something that I think is important in making the other person feel seen. We all want to feel seen. We all want to feel appreciated, acknowledged. And so sending a voice memo, for example, say every week, just sharing one thing you admire, maybe one thing you appreciate about that person or are proud of them for, I just believe goes a long way to hear it from the person that they love most, that they are closest to. You really get to hear love spoken. You get to hear love written if you're going to do it in written form. And it's really powerful.

24:24It's a really powerful thing. And imagine them getting that voice note or getting that text or getting that little note surprise in their, you know, bag that they bring to work. And imagine just how that is like a beautiful welcomed pattern interrupt in their day. Something that just allows them to, yeah, love you even more deeply, appreciate you and also just feel so good and seen. So I think it goes a long, long way. My goal is to do this on a more consistent basis. And every week and every weaker would be my goal. So let me know how you're flowing with these. I think these are really easy things to do.

25:13You can do this with your partner. You can do this with the best friend. You can do this with family. But with modern technology, I think we can use it in a really beautiful way. So sending those voice notes, they're my favorite. There's just something about hearing the resonance of a voice and hearing truth that is just so comforting and moving and human. So highly, highly recommend. Those are my top three that have changed my marriage as of late that have really, I think, made it better, added depth, created even more connection points, And just really helped us to understand each other more, you know, be better partners, but also be better parents.

25:59And I think it bleeds into everything, become better at our jobs, become more creative. I think, you know, the person you choose to spend your life with is hands down the most important decision that you will make. And so tending to that relationship is incredibly, incredibly important. And it's also incredibly hard when life lives. So we kind of have to bring these practices and rituals into the room, make it something that's consistent in order to just really hold the relationship in the way that it deserves to be held. I wanted to add two other things that I have not done yet, but I have friends who have done them and they inspired me.

26:46Um, one of my, one of our couple friends, uh, they do a surprise and delight calendar, which is kind of cute. So they take turns doing one tiny surprise for the other weekly or biweekly. Um, so that might be a small gift that might be a posted note of love, you know, maybe a favorite snack or, um, you know, if their parents, which they are, they will be like, hey, other parent, take the night off. Like I got our children. You take the night, do an everything shower, relax, go to bed early, or maybe go out with the girls or get a pedicure. But just a tiny surprise that they orchestrate, that they're in charge of.

27:31It's really not about money or performance. It's just like really intentional, thoughtful gestures. And this just brings into the room that sense of like play and appreciation on a regular basis. It's something to look forward to. I think it's something to look forward to in planning it. I think that's so fun. So surprise and delight calendar for couples. So cute. And then another one of my friends does monthly marriage check-in walks. So we do our tub time and that's more of a weekly thing and not necessarily centered around like our marriage and the health of our marriage, though I do think it improves the health of our marriage.

28:14But these monthly marriage check-in walks that our couple friends do look like this. So they will pick a day in the month and keep it consistent. Maybe it's the third Sunday of every month. And what they do is that like around golden an hour, like sunset, they take an hour long walk and they've designed this for themselves that fit their, you know, preferences, lifestyle, what's important to them. So I encourage you to do the same, but they touch on kind of the unsexy parts of their marriage. So that might be like, you know, the business of like upcoming travel of, um, maybe things that they need to or want to invest in, in the coming months.

29:05What does that look like? Um, so there's kind of that unsexy part of their walk and then they will, uh, walk into talking about, um, more of like a future vision. So, you know, whether it's like year out goals or a few years out, just really dreaming together about what that could look like, bringing just an opened aperture to what is possible, leaving any judgment, no judgment about, well, that's not possible logistically, that doesn't sound right, or we don't have the money for that. No, they let each other dream and just say it out loud and they get excited about it and they feel it in their bodies and just act as if it's happening.

29:56So I thought that was cool. And then another part of their walk is for like an in real time check-in on the state of their marriage. So what's been working really, really well about our relationship, our dynamic. What could use some tending to? You know, is there anything on the table that we haven't really brought to this walk in the last few months that we feel like could use some tending to? And they will also kind of share like appreciation and gratitude and highs and lows, but they'll really just focus on their marriage. So I thought that was really, really cool. And I think a monthly cadence is appropriate.

30:42You know, allow yourself to integrate over that month period, practice new things, keep those promises, you know, work towards those goals and visions. So a monthly marriage walk and talk where you really check in on the health and state of your marriage and just how you can better it and tend to it and tend to each other. So those two I thought were incredible, but I hope these were inspiring. I want to encourage you to make them your own in your intimate relationships and whether you're married or not, or in a relationship or not, it doesn't matter. You know, I think, you know, we are relational beings.