812. Stop Shrinking, Start Speaking Up, and Level Up Your Life

0:13Welcome to Almost 30 podcast. Hi, everybody. It's Lindsay and Krista. It's just us. It's just us. It's you. It's me. It's Lindsay. It's an advice episode. Yeah, it's an advice episode. It's you, me, and Lindsay and the creator. We'll be channeling. We'll be channeling. Actually, I'm channeling this whole episode. Actually, the thing about me is I'm going to be channeling. I'm going to be channeling the advice. I feel like I've been, you know how you go through like a, well, you become your own channel for yourself. But like, you know how you go through that stage where you're like watching other, like We both went through a phase where we were watching Abraham Hicks.

0:47Oh, yeah. You know what's so funny is collectively people go through like that. I was listening to Abraham Hicks a lot for a minute. I saw them live. I did too. You did too, right? In LA? I didn't like it at all. Oh, it was all men on stage, right? Uh-huh. All men. Yeah, same. And I'm not like that. Like, I'm not like, oh, man, where's the women? But I was just like, they were all like narcs. like the one man was like every single time I've seen them I get called on stage and I've gone 60 times well first person gets I'm like what does this man have to say after getting on stage and asking a question 60 times that's interesting no for real like what is what's what are we doing here yeah I think that the men do have more clarity in their field of like knowing that they will be chosen and feeling less clear like women are like should I be chosen should they call on me right should I ask this question I don't know if this is clear I don't even know like as like working with men and women like it is easier with men sometimes because women kind of we can we can build worlds with our words like we can be we can get it real complicated yeah we can kind of but yeah I guess what I'll say I didn't like about it I just didn't find that much value I think the clips online were better so yeah I agree like a more curated version of it yeah totally.

2:09I agree with that. Okay. So today we wanted to just share some advice based on questions we got from all of you, which I always appreciate when you guys send stuff in to us. We kind of put the call out on Instagram and you guys did not disappoint. This is going to be a fun one. I was excited. Silly and fun. I love these ones. Okay. So we're going to go through some advice. All right. I also took a microdose today. Oh, fun. Yeah, that I was feeling a minute ago. Oh, great. So I think that's because when my voice I was like, oh, my voice is really dropped in. I think my voice started to drop in when I started microdosing.

2:45Oh, that's interesting. So this is me. We're going to do a microdose in a minute. I have not in forever. Yeah. It is fun. Glad you brought me one. So there's an extra zhuzh. Yeah. That's what's up. All right. First question. My situationship invited me to his sister's wedding. Is that a sign he's serious or that he just needs a date? Hey, man, ask him. I know. I think this calls for actually a very direct conversation. About situationships. Yeah, because I think inviting someone to a family, and this is his sister's wedding, so his entire family is going to be there. That to me is serious. I would say, hey.

3:28And also it should be serious whether he thinks it or not. So you have the full right to be like, what is this? Even kindly giving him the benefit of that, he could assume that you are together. Yeah. You know, giving him the positive benefit, assuming positive intent. Maybe he assumes that you guys have a label and that you guys are together. And so I would just playfully say like, hey, like, what am I, who am I to you? Who am I? How are we introducing? Who am I in this ecosystem of your world? How am I being introduced? Like, I just want to be aware. It's very, it needs to be very lightly done.

4:07Also situation. I'm like, I'm maybe I'm getting too old. Situationships are like, we're either dating or we're not, but it's still very prevalent. And I think it happens more so in big cities because you have options. Is situationship mean you're hooking up with someone or like, and you're just kind of, so I didn't even realize recently that I guess it goes from situationship to exclusive and you're exclusive before your boyfriend, girlfriend. I think it's the same thing. I heard it's different. I wasn't, I'm not a part of that journey. I think it should be the same thing. Like a hundred percent.

4:40The boyfriend, girlfriend is the title. So it's what you tell other people and how you move about the world where you're like, I am in a relationship. I think it's just like part of that like avoidant thing where it's like everyone's so afraid of commitment where they're like we're exclusively dating but we're not committed. Yes. No, no, no, no, no. I think exclusive is commitment. Exclusive is commitment in the sense that you are only. Yes. Is that what you're saying? So they'll say I'm exclusively dating but we're not boyfriend girlfriend. That to me is crazy. It's so crazy but I think this is a different era and generation.

5:11Weird. I need clarification from people on that. That's crazy. I think it gets guys out of the like lane of being like acting like a boyfriend where they can like have everything but not be their boyfriend. Yeah. And be like because boyfriend pressure. Boyfriend title is too much pressure. So what would we say? We would say this is a time for just a really playful direct conversation. Just like hey who am I being introduced as? Who am I in your ecosystem and your world? I don't want to be made a fool. Yeah, I would say on that note, I would say something like being invited to your sister's wedding feels like a thing.

5:49I'm not taking this lightly. Yes. Like what would you say about what we are? Yes. Just so I'm aware like going into this. I want to be a good representation of you and myself. Yes. Also, but why is it always on them? I mean, it's not, but I think. I want to see where your head's at. Yeah, because. I've been watching a lot of Love Island. So they always say, I'm trying to sit down and they'll be like, thanks for having a chat. I'm trying to see where your head's at. And then they're like, oh, you know, like, that's what they'll say. That's the lead. I'm just trying to see where your head's at. And then their brains rot.

6:22Yeah. And they'll be like, I mean, I'm open, mate. Well, we recently had Benny Hart on the pod. And he was saying, like, hey, like, basically the energy of, like, I'm good no matter what. but like I would just love like a little clarity on this. You know like kind of that energy which I think like gets them off the hook of like making a decision. It's just like oh like they're going to be good no matter what so they don't have to hold that in their answering which is like hilarious but it's effective. Yes. And I think you should be with a person that is expecting that you as a woman are going to ask this type of clarity.

6:56Yes. So it's like throughout the entire process no man that would ever date me would think that I wouldn't want to have clarity on something. Yes. So it's like that would be expected. Like I'm going to ask for clarity. We're going to get clear on things. So being the woman throughout an entire process that would need to have clarity or that needs, not needs to know in a controlling way, but like that you're a participant in this. You're not just waiting. Like, yes, he should be expecting you to have this conversation. Yes, completely, completely. Have fun. Send us pictures. Have a good time. Wishing you well.

7:27Okay. Next question. And how do I navigate a raise when my manager always says, we're like family here? And like, how's that vibe? I think I've talked about this years ago on the podcast, but how toxic that is. When works are like, we're like a family. And I'm like, oh, dysfunctional. Like, oh, like you're dysfunctional family. Because think about most family units are dysfunctional. Right. And use all the times bosses use that manipulative language to sort of take advantage of you and use that as loyalty where it's like family has the, if we are family, there's the assumption that you give up for family.

8:04You sacrifice. Sacrifice for family. I'm looking out for you as someone who's your family. Yes. Uh-huh. And this is like an exchange of some sort. So wow. I would be like, you know, if my boss said, you know, Hey, I'm looking for a raise like that. and he was like, oh, we're, well, we're family. And I'd be like, what do you mean by family? And he's like, oh, you know, and I would just, I would keep asking, putting the question back. What do you mean by family? Oh, well, we, you know, we're all working together for this common goal. And, you know, we have shared vision and interests. Yes. And what does that have to say?

8:47What does that mean about what I'm paid? Yeah. A hundred percent. It's like what? yeah and I just think you know remembering that this is not a familial context like you know just kind of grounding yourself in that you can even say that makes me uncomfortable when you say that yeah I would never want that I'm like I don't want to be your family and if there are any aspects of your experience that do not scream family like I think it's totally fine to kind of bring that up and maybe even saying like you know I respect you and I enjoy working here and And I think we all deserve to kind of move about this place in a way that is professional.

9:27You know, it just kind of keeps what this is going. Like if we were to be like chummy and actual family, I think it would create a lot more to your point, like dysfunction. Yeah. But yeah, I don't think we need to harp on the family thing. It's just keeping in mind that if he's saying that a lot, like there is kind of a lonely person. A manipulative person. You're a very lonely person. If ever all your employees that are paid to be around you are your family, I don't know what's up with your life. But I think that's such a vibe of like someone, if I'm thinking about like, you know, kind of the CEOs and the news, like a WeWork, like kind of culty weird, like we're family here.

10:08We're creating this thing. Yeah, we're in the trenches. We're in the trenches together. And it like, it garners this energy that really can prey on people who maybe don't feel a part of something. there's so many companies like that we work I just saw a documentary on American Apparel that was big one big big big big oh my god big one um yeah there's a lot I think Uber had a similar yeah it's actually a similar one um but yeah you're not a family you know you can be on mission with people you yeah you know it's like you can be connected you could be friends with people but it's like I even remember early on with our team being like I don't want to ever be like I love them I love every one of them but I don't want them to ever be like we're family because then there is a manipulative aspect of that because I have a power and so to say that and is just manipulative in itself

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15:58Yeah, it's a hundred percent. And it's also a fine line that we've walked because, you know, like we're a small team. Do you know what I mean? So like it's, it's hard not to sit down in a meeting and like catch up and not catch up on, on personal things. Sure. You know what I mean? Because we we are so personal ourselves in a public way. And like, I think our energy is very like warm and open and supportive of that. And so like, we've had moments where we have to have like more like direct professional conversations. But we're also feeling a little weird because I think over time, we've gotten better about this, but like feeling a little weird because we have that closeness with someone that works with us.

16:46You know, what's interesting is thinking back on that, I'm like, it's interesting because I was having a hard time when I was so in my masculine and I didn't really know how to be in my masculine and then also be in my feminine of like my the mothering, you know, kind of element. So it felt like a very different act. Like I was like, I am telling you what to do or I am being your mom. You know, like I am loving you or I'm telling you what to do. And those felt very far from each other. and now it's like because I'm in such congruency I can say whatever I need to say in a loving way like it can be both and I didn't really think it could then yes like I felt like I had to either be strict telling them what to do you know giving them the list whatever like firm or I had to be caring and loving for them and I didn't know how to kind of flip-flop as much and now I can be like both yes which is interesting and I think that's an important energy to bring into this conversation Yeah.

17:40You know, where it's like you can be kind and you can be direct. Yeah. And also what's that part of you, that smaller part of you that's potentially, you know, using this one bit of language to prevent yourself from asking for the raise. Right. So him also saying that has nothing to do with your raise. So a lot of times when people self-sabotage, they'll find little things, you know, oh, I'm, you know, I want to ask for a raise, but I'm not going to because I know our company just did budget cuts or they had layoffs or whatever. And it's like that maybe has nothing to do with you. So you need to figure out the truth.

18:09Like what is true? I need to ask to find out what is true. Like I want to raise. He's going to say whatever he's going to say. And it's a little bit of that codependency where you're like, I'm predicting that he's going to say that we're family. And so I'm no longer asking for a raise. You are cutting yourself out of something because of an assumption. We don't know if him being family is going to negate you from getting a raise. He could be like, we're family. I'm going to give you double. Like that also could go the other way. So we just don't know. And so you have to act to figure out what the truth is.

18:39And I think you have to ask for that race. I agree. Okay. Next one. I don't want to go to another bachelorette party in Nashville. How do I tell my friend I'd rather give her like money, like 500 bucks than wear a cowboy hat again? Oh my God. So real. It's funny. Cause I've kind of, I've kind of jumped the shark a little bit, like where it was like, I did a lot of them and was like yay and then was like oh my god I hate them and now I've come back around where I'm like these are fun and I'm like let's put on those cowboy hats let's put on those sashes I was like let's do it you know like now it's like the novelty has has come back again where I'm like available for it yeah I think I've never gone through a season where I had a ton and I'm overwhelmed and I'm like totally burnt out by them.

19:26But I, I personally am someone who wouldn't love to be on a full blown long weekend schedule with 20 other people and like feel beholden to the costumes that I have to wear the theme nights, the whatever. And I think that in doses is so fun, but I would offer, cause I've, I had a few friends do this recently. Cause I do think this is actually a common feeling and they opted into not the whole time so they were like i'm gonna come for you know and and whether you give an excuse or you just say directly like i think my capacity is like two days and just know that that's not personal but like you know whatever totally god there's just a part of me too i don't know what this part of me is but it's like that i'm like oh where are we going as a culture where people are no longer just doing what everyone wants them to do anymore we're all falling apart like in the future how are we going to come together ever but a bachelor party is very specific for sure but i'm just like god back in my day you did everything out of fear of being left out and like you know what i mean you would be your fear would just drive you to participate in everything and now i'm like people have their own identities like i know and their own perspectives and opinions and they're following that and they're speaking their truth But it's such a, I think also what these weekends are, it's like a huge commitment.

20:52It's a financial commitment. Girl, the financial. It's a preparation commitment in terms of like, I need to get outfits for every single thing we do. I have to like, you know, look great or whatever the thing is. And then you also have to prepare for what you're leaving behind. Maybe you have a family. Maybe you don't. Maybe you have work. Like there's just so many things that go into a weekend that's not for you, which is fine, but it's not for you. and then you also don't know what the outcome is going to be which is fine we love the unknown but not knowing like who's going to be there or oftentimes it's a mixed bag of people so i think it could be absolutely so surprisingly beautiful and fun and i definitely think opening up the possibility for that in your heart of like this could be so much better than i think and the lead up is just more painful but if you have like some hard lines around like whether it's being able to afford it or just like being so burnt out.

21:46Maybe you like plan a whole day or a day, like a sleepover somewhere with just the bride. Love that. And you're like, I want to do that for you. Or I want you to come over and like, we're going to like, I'm going to get a little chef for us and we're going to have a night, like whatever. But there are options I think outside of just like saying just hard. No, I agree. Can I come for one night? Can I do something special for you outside this weekend. Also your clarity around that boundary is usually like received. Like I remember years ago, I was like doing this bachelorette with someone. And I remember I ended up doing everything and the other friend didn't do anything.

22:20And it was because she was so confident at the beginning about what she could or couldn't do. She was like, Hey, I can't do this. I can do this. I can help with this. I'm going to be here. And I'm like, and it was like, everyone knew from the jump, but me, I was just kind of like, I'm going to fill in the gaps and do everything and try and and then the bride was mad at me because I was like the one that was like you know what I mean like kind of weak and available and like it was I was like wow like if you're clear and up front and just confident in it like hey babe I don't hey babe Nashville's not gonna work this is what I'm gonna do for you I love you very much yes like it's just being like it is it's clear it doesn't give them the opportunity to punch the wobbles that you're yeah yeah no wobbling don't I mean, that's me.

23:0412 minute voice note. I'm like, Hey, so something about me. I also think that I wonder if bachelorettes are, are dying a little bit. I didn't have a bachelorette. I think it's much more stressful. I didn't either. We were talking to Elizabeth of the wellness process the other day and she was saying how she, her dream would be to take all of her girlfriends to like a wellness retreat or like a, you know, wellness spa moment. Yes. Which I think is like so much more our speed and probably our audience speed too, where like you're going to feel well after the weekend and have relaxation time and have, you know, that spa time and not have it be this up, up, up alcohol potentially like, you know, that type of traditional bachelorette.

23:50type. Okay, good one. Next question. My fiance plays video games until 2 a.m. every single night. How do I get him to log off without sounding like his mom? Hey, honey, let me tell you something. There's way more issues than him being on video games. Something's going on with your husband or your partner mentally, spiritually, and emotionally if they're playing video games till 2 a.m. They've either been abducted. There's an entity. He's depressed. He has problems. I'm saying that in jest and in deep seriousness. Yeah. You are not well playing video games until 2 a.m. Because what are video games?

24:34Escapism, numbing. So it's just like there's also a social element to video games now, which I don't play video games. No, but they're on the thing. Bro, But think about the, you know, sometimes I watch like sports series, like quarterback on Netflix. Anyway. Oh, yeah, yeah. The Joe Burrow one. Yes. So good. I know. But they're playing video games. And if I think about like, you know. They're also multimillionaires. They don't get to see their friends from home. So maybe they're hopping on with their friends. Right. Like on a regular basis. This is a good perspective. This is their numbing. for a hot second, just to kind of turn off their brain, just like if we watch YouTube or turn on something like Love Island, right?

25:21Like, so I think there's an element of it that in doses can be totally fine. It's annoying. I hate seeing a grown man playing video games. I think it's the most unattractive thing. I'm probably top five. Yeah, I agree. But it's very common. I would say until 2am. So this is he's not concerned about sleep, getting good sleep. He's in front of a screen. So he's getting that blue light. It's just disrupting a lot of things. So her question is, how do we get him to log off? I think number one, like the conversation can't be had like right before, during, or after he's playing video games. Like it kind of needs.

26:03I'm so sorry. This is so funny to me. But like, so we can't be in the heat of the moment. Yeah, exactly. We can't be a route to do like pawn noobs and like get a sick kill and then like grab your boy and tell him. You can't be like guns up and like tell him what's up. You need to get him. Because he could shoot you. Honestly, he might take the gun in real life and shoot you. Oh, God. Okay, so we're going to wait till our boys not mid-game. Not mid-game. Not mid-pawning noobs. I would say it's probably on a weekend where we're not like in a stressful environment, work week, yada, yada, whatever.

26:42That's real. I'm assuming. That's real.