816. How To Protect Your Peace While Still Having a Big Life

27:40Yeah. Yeah. Friend-related, relationship-related. Because I think a lot of what we experienced in our 20s too was that part of friendship where I think in your 20s, there's the experience of feeling like you know better or like being very deeply involved in your friend's life and decisions and wanting something for them that maybe they don't want for themselves. Like I remember my best friend from home, we lived in Chicago together for a little bit. We've been friends since we were like 10. And she dated this man, the most toxic man I've literally ever met in my life. They were fucking around for like 15 years.

28:14Torture for me. And I remember one time we were like in bed in Chicago. And I was just, I was beside myself crying. So upset about him. Da-da-da-da. Like it was like he had done something again. And there was just a moment where my soul was like, bro, whose life are you in? And I was like, dude, I just, it was like we were both in my bed. And I was like, I can't do this anymore. And I was like, okay, man, I'm no longer involved. I'm no longer in your relationship. I'm no longer in your relationship. I'm ejecting myself officially. We're no longer talking about it. I'm no longer participating. And that one decision in that moment changed my life because I was like, oh, I don't want to do that anymore.

28:51I actually don't know what's best for her. It's actually, it doesn't make sense for me. Like you kind of have that awakening. So were you overly involved in people's lives? Like what was that looking like for you in friendship? I actually, if anything, have been so on the other side of that pendulum where like, if we have one chat and you ask for my advice and I like give you my advice and then like, whatever you're back with him the next weekend and like we've established you don't want to marry him he's a cheater he's a liar like it doesn't make sense for me I'm actually so black and white that I found um I need to catch myself on that and have a bit more patience because it like triggers me when I have when someone else is able to live in gray area and is able to say wait I think I might need to see them a few more times and I'm not ready to rip the band-aid off and like make a rash choice and go right because that's how my brain works to a place where I've had situations where I'm like, damn, I took a right turn way too fast.

29:42And I wish I drove straight for a little bit longer. Um, so recently I've had to realize that like everyone's at a different place in life and like my way is not the best way. And I need to be able to like tolerate that a little bit more with friends, but I've been really fortunate to have some incredible, really close friends for many years, like 10, 15, 20 years. And even though we met in childhood, like really to grow in similar ways, we're inherently different on paper. But I think when it comes to like values and morals and integrity and just like principles of like the experiences we want to have, it's been aligned.

30:22So that's been great. But I'm definitely at a place in my later twenties where I'm like, energy is really important to me. And I have like a zero drama tolerance. Like I really do. Like I, if anyone has a problem with me, I'd love to talk about it. I pride myself on being the friend who's like, oh, I hurt your feelings. Like I don't care about defending this was my intention or this was what I said. I'm so sorry I hurt you. Like, thanks for telling me that. Fortunately, I have that with my friends, with family. It's like a different type of wound where I'm like, no, let's talk about it. But with my friends, I'm able to be like, forget it.

30:59I literally love you more than anything. I'm so sorry that that comment came out wrong. But yeah, I've had to really like kind of rethink how do I feel when this person calls me? Like what is my immediate reaction when I see the caller ID? And like, am I so excited? Like one of my best friends, Natalie, do you guys know corporate Natalie? fucking love Natalie I feel grateful every day to realize I'm one of her best friends and she's one of mine because she's just such an incredible person and this morning like she calls me and I see the caller ID and I'm like so excited I'm like yeah I gotta talk to Natalie because we're both always so busy and I'm like wait I really should be like prepping for the podcast this morning I should not be running late and I'm like but you know what like I want to talk to my best friend and so I like answer that call you know and then there's other people where I might be like I don't want to take that call in the morning because of the energy it could bring.

31:51So I actually had a friend recently talk about this whole, like, who has a backstage pass, a front row seat, a lower bowl, a nosebleed, access to the arena of your life. And I have definitely been, I'm a see the best in people, more naive, super gullible. Like, you can pull any prank on me and I'll think you were being real. but to a fault where like way too many people have a backstage pass. And I think the people earn the right to know you closely. I think there's power in that. I do think there's power in wearing your heart on your sleeve and being vulnerable. And I am that way. And I've had to learn that some things you don't just tell someone the first day that you meet them.

32:35So at this stage in my life, I'm definitely like, yeah, who has a backstage pass and who do I feel good about and where do I want people to kind of fall in that? And then one more thing I'll say, because my birthday is coming up and we're talking about friends. I think there can be a lot of pressure around that. Like, who are you inviting to your dinner? Are you having a party? Are you having a big thing? And like, I was talking to our mutual friend, Krista Michelle about this recently, because as I was thinking about my birthday, it's sandwiched between a bachelorette I'm throwing as the maid of honor.

33:07So I'm like, that's a whole thing. And then it's sandwiched between another weekend of a bachelorette. So like these two really exciting full social weekends. And then my birthday is on a Wednesday. And I'm like, you know what? I don't really want to do a huge friend thing or like force the issue. Like my friends are all in different places. When I look at my close friends and the people I could call in a crisis, like it feels so full. When I look at the 10 mile radius of where I live and who could come to a lunch, they don't all live here, you know um but that's okay but I was thinking like do I want to have a lunch and like mix and match and have people meet each other and then I'm thinking but then are they gonna come and be like oh this is sad there's like not that many people and she thinks I'm one of her best friends like literally my anxiety and then I'm like and then is my mom gonna be like and who's going like I'm like I'm getting anxious thinking about all these judgments this is so sad no it's so real From people of what they're going to think.

34:07But meanwhile, I'm like, so actually I ended up, I never want to bring up these like trivial things in therapy because like I have like much, I have other trauma. I'm only trivial. My therapist is like, can we talk about something real? I'm like, so he technically said this. I like to go like trauma or like really existential. But then with my last 10 minutes, I'm like, okay, so there's one thing. I do with my therapist, I call it tapas style. We're maybe we're at tapas style where we're just talking about a bunch of little things that are light where I have this like, my dad's really sick. I have my dad stuff looming in the background.

34:37I know every fucking session, she's like, can you please fucking talk about your dad? And I'm like, so my hair this week. That's hilarious. I'm way more like, my money is going on the deep shit right here. And like, I can talk about this birthday with my friends. But so we always have like our last 10 minutes. I'm like, okay, well, there is one thing. I'm like, it's my birthday. I'm like, so I'm worried that they're going to think this. And I'm like, and my mom's going to think this. And then this person, and then she's like, what do you want for your birthday? And I'm like, whoa, because, you know, I don't think that way at all.

35:04I'm considering, I'm considering the emotions of people like who are maybe not even coming. Right. And, um, I was like, you know what I want? I want to just sit by a pool all day with just my one friend. I don't want to do anything else. Like I want to have a family dinner. I love being with my family. Like, you know, that's what I want to do. And she's like, great. And so, you know, I am figuring out with the birthday, getting closer to 30, these like, what do I really want? Not caring about other people's opinions. As long as I feel good, I feel good. And, you know, just starting to prioritize, yeah, myself, my needs more.

35:40And not in a selfish way where I'm like, I do think that nowadays it's a little dangerous when people are just seeing one Instagram post that's like, set your boundaries. And if they don't accommodate your boundaries, cut them out. I'm like, whoa, they're like, I'm a child and you're my mom. No, I'm like, you're literally, no, I'm like, that's how you end up with no friends. You have to flex and give to people for sure. But should I be considering 10 people's emotions on my birthday? No.

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38:49I think emotional flexibility is the number one thing of like health is flexibility. Yeah. Like how are you going to be different in each moment? What were you saying? Yeah. And I think, you know, it's just, you know, this is a prime example of like what is supposed to be happening at 28, you know, in your late 20s where like you are no longer operating based on what everyone else thinks you should do. You are no longer reacting. You're more responding with just thought and care and you're like very attuned to nuance. And I just, yeah, I'm like blown away. I'm like, you are exactly where you're meant to be in this process.

39:29Like going through, I assume you're going through your Saturn return or, you know, in one part of it. Yeah, that's what Michelle has told me. We can look it up after for sure. She's my little soldier. No, I want to look it up to know exactly. You will. It's just really, really cool. And I think, you know, at times it can be heartbreaking to make these decisions for you because for so long I'm sure you've considered everyone else before you, you know. But I think our relationships, especially the ones that mean the most to us, they need that update, that system update that's like, you know, listen, we take care of ourselves before we give to each other.

40:07You know, we do express what we desire without the fear of the other taking it personally, you know? Because everyone, I assume most of your friends are around your age, so everyone's kind of moving through this at their own pace and in their own way. but like a lot of the same updates are happening. Yeah. You know, and to be able to bring that into conversation is so powerful. Do you feel like your friends are going through it too? I definitely feel like they are. I think as you get older and you maybe like find a partner and you want to share your life with them, like I do think I noticed a huge difference in like what my ideal weekend is versus like one of my friends who's single.

40:46I also think a huge element of this too is like, you know your everyone's priorities are different and my husband and I will say this thing like things net out differently for everyone and like what other people might think is a huge priority like you might not or vice versa and I've been thinking about this a lot with my best friend Aubrey who we've been so close for 20 years we have matching tattoos we were first grade together we were next door neighbors like literally my dad carved a hole in the fence and we would go back and forth like my ride or die underneath the fence uh through the fence yeah like a dog no he literally he literally took like a saw and he cut a little door and then like the the dividing line between our houses there was a little door we could go between no and we both have two brothers we were born three days apart we literally all of our similars we joke that we're in a simulation and someone was assigned to code us and someone actually just did it twice so we're like same but slightly different.

41:45But anyways, she is engaged and she's going to be married, which is so exciting. And like, I'm obviously already married. Another crazy fact, but our husbands were college roommates and best friends. Yeah. No, it's actually insane. Like we joke that it's like sickening where like people hate us. It's I would be disgusted as well. But I know, I'm sorry. But anyways, I've been having this thought where it's like, we always used to have this bit where we'd be like, oh my God. Yeah. We would save each other off a cliff. Like we'd was in like, you know, screw everyone. Like it's you and me. And it's like to be at this place where I have my husband and like, he's my best friend in a way.

42:20Like that's my like, you know, marriage essentially you're drafting a team and you choose one person out of everyone in the world that you're like, I want you to be on my team through like the worst games, the hardest games. We're down 10 points. Like you're the person I want to play this with. Um, and she has that too. And it's like the adjustments for like the deep conversation or like the crisis phone call will go to our partners and not each other. And like how to also have like maintain still our close friendship, but also have this with our husbands. And like, you know, that's been an adjustment, but in like a beautiful way.

42:53Like I'm so happy that like I feel like I have this love and that she's found this love too. but yeah it's like how do you grow and like maintain these relationships but know that they're changing and know that we all want to do things differently and like yeah like how we wanted I mean I'm making things up but how we want to spend Christmas it's different than how this family wants to spend Christmas and we might like to go on a vacation here and they don't want a vacation I'm making all this up yeah but like yeah and and having to cope with that and realize like oh it's not how it used to be or you know the time we get to just do our makeup together like doesn't exist anymore because we're not in college and like there's a sadness to that and I'm definitely the queen of like being nostalgic I mean my hysterical crying of the yesterday morning started out of joy I was on the phone with my yaya who's like 87 and she's always like enjoy your life kukla she's like she's like and then she goes oh she goes enjoy today and then And she goes, and enjoy every day you have a life.

43:51And I'm like, it's like hit me so deep. She's so sweet. And I just like then started to cry and feel joyous that like I'm going to my parents and they're cooking dinner. And like as soon as me or my brother has a baby, like the whole dynamic changes. And then one day we'll pass the baton. And one day one of my parents won't be here. And then they both won't. Like the only thing permanent is like impermanence, right? But then it led to like a sad cry. And like, I don't know. I just, I think about everything. Like do you guys do that? Yes. Where you're like, holy shit. And then I'm thinking, I still feel like a baby.

44:22I'm like, does my mom look in the mirror and think, I need my mom and dad? Because I'm like, I can't imagine at any age in my life being like, I have this. But then we look at our parents and forget it's their first time doing this too. And they're trying the best that they can. That's helped me a lot too with forgiveness in life is like, everyone's figuring it out and trying not to hold grudges. And if I saw someone I hadn't seen in five years, can I approach it with a clean slate? Can I hope that they do the same for me? Like, yes, because we're all just like trying to be better people, hopefully.

44:55Or we're not at a place yet where we've had the big wake-up call that something needs to change. But, yeah, it's like I do think your later 20s, when my husband just turned 30, and like he definitely had like a – it wasn't like he was stoked to turn 30. He was like, holy shit, like I'm 30. You know, like that's a – you hear about that. It's a huge change. You have different priorities. he's realizing his dream Friday night is on the couch with me, which is crazy because it used to be like going out, you know? So yeah, there's so much change and it's like, you can either be scared of it and you can resent it or you can allow all the emotions, good, sad, bad to like rise and then accept it and know that you maybe have a good support system or you have your own back as you like navigate what's next.

45:44But yeah, I definitely feel like I'm in a chapter that's like Like for sure, I have no idea if it ends in three pages or it ends in 30, you know? Yes. It's so beautiful because I think you're such a deep feeler and a deep contemplator. And I think a lot of times when we struggle with our mental health in life, it really leads us to that place of thinking deeply about how we, because we really think about how we can be well, like what makes us feel good and what can support us. And I think when we talk about getting older and that sort of like fear of that change and transition, I remember being so scared of any change in my 20s.

46:19I was like, oh no, this all change felt like it was going to the bad. And now I'm like, oh my God, life keeps getting better and better. All change is good. Like all change is leading me to someplace that's even bigger and better. And, you know, to the nostalgia piece, like how beautiful to just be in the moment and be like, oh my God, this is never going to happen again. Like I was, I was out of town this weekend with friends and I was with one of my girlfriends who's getting married and she's going gonna have kids soon I just was with her I'm like girl we've traveled so much together we've done so much and like you're we're probably not gonna be able to do this again for a long time like I just am cherishing this like this feels so special to me and so meaningful and like I will never let a minute pass where I can't be nostalgic where I'm like this is never my husband used to be like or my ex-husband used to be like dude shut up because I'd be like this moment right here is never happening again.

47:07It's true. It's so true. It's so good. And I think it's like, that's the gift and also the heartbreak of like, quote, getting older and like, you know, seeing your parents get older. And when you have kids, like, I feel like my mortality was just like staring me in the face when I had a kid, which sounds like so grim, but it's just like what it is. You're like, whoa, you want to be here forever or you want your parents to be. It's just this feeling of wanting to just bottle all of this up and have. Yeah. But the good thing is, and my husband tries to remind me this, is we're having these conversations and we're appreciating it.

47:49We can at least know that there won't be a future moment where we're like, damn, I wish I didn't take for granted this friendship or this relationship or this opportunity, you know? I will say though, sometimes, and I can feel this way where I'm like, I have to answer every time my parents call because what if there's a day they don't call? Or I have to like, anytime my dad asks me to hang out, I have to do it. And then it's like, you know, my therapist has helped me with this. You can't live every day. Like every single person you love won't be here tomorrow because what will happen to your mom?

48:19She's like, let's walk through it. Would you be able to have a career? I'm like, no. She's like, would you be able to like have good mental health. I'm like, no, like that's not realistic. And so we have to give ourselves grace for sure. Um, and we can't be everything for everyone too. Like, of course my parents would love to spend every day with their kids. Of course they would, but like, you know, they need to experience boredom. They need to have friendships. They need to like have things outside of family and they do. Um, and I have to remind myself that like, I can't be everything for everyone, but I just throw that in there for anyone listening.

48:49Who's like, would maybe take, because I'm this way. I take it the way where they're like, God, I have to just like give up my whole life to just be for others. And it's like, no, it's the balance of it. And just having the awareness of it. And I feel like for me, you know, I was someone that lived for others so much earlier in my life, especially in my 20s. But because it was unconscious, it was like secretly for me. It was like secretly for approval, secretly for safety, secretly for to live up to an expectation that I had for myself. and the more that I've been able to be in my own experience and be myself and live for what I want to do and who I want to be, the better my relationships have been.

49:27I was actually thinking about this last night in bed when I was up in the middle of the night. One thing about me is I do enjoy my thoughts. I enjoy what I think about. I enjoy the landscape of my internal dialogue. So I was just kind of like traversing. I'm like, what are we thinking about? I was thinking about the masculine and the feminine. And I was thinking about a lot of the journey of the masculine is to go from solo and solo building, solo experience of just them. And then their kingship, and I was talking about this at our event, is actually when they care about the community or they care about the kingdom.

49:58And women, it's actually the opposite. We spend our whole lives caring about other people and we're actually the most in our power when we're only kind of thinking about ourselves. And thinking about ourselves in the way of like, what gives me pleasure? What makes me happiest? Where do I find the most joy? Where do I find the most thing? And that doesn't mean that we're neglecting family or relationships, but it's like - It benefits them. It benefits them because I'm filling my own cup up to care for other people. And I've really been focused on that too in my dating life and just all of my life of like, what brings me joy?

50:26What did I come here to do? Like, how did I come here to be and live an experience? And how can I use this experience of what I know to be true to benefit others, but first by benefiting myself? Yeah. I think it's because I think some people would say, oh, that's selfish or whatever. Like, It's kind of like you have to untangle that programming so many times in your life where it's like, okay, why am I resisting this? It's because I was like taught another way and I don't know how you grew up with your mom and your mom. But like – and I mean I know because we've been friends for 10 years. Just kidding.

51:04I know. But like I kind of had to – I never saw my mom do anything for herself ever. and you know I think some people would say like oh that's that's the role of a mother but I kind of had to to just kind of like feel into the nuance of yeah but you know at what cost at what cost to us and her relationship with my dad and you know it's just it's a really interesting thing to think about. And I agree with you. It's like, how can we, I think women will always be serving others, but it's how we do it. So it's like filling our own cup. I was talking this morning about on Instagram about like, just how like, and Peter Kelly talks about this too, like leaning into what gives you life, brings you life.

51:56What you want to do creatively is part of what feeds your family, you know, not just the money coming in. Like that's kind of secondary. It's more just the energy and the life that you bring into the family through what you do creatively. It's really interesting. I think everything though, when we think about women serving, it's like, what's the energetics behind it? Are you serving or helping people because it's your true genuine desire and calling out of abundance or is it scarcity? Like I am not loved unless I self sacrifice. I am not worthy unless I'm putting everyone else above myself. I am not safe unless everyone around me is safe.

52:36And I think that's where the shift is, is like the energetics and like the actual inward desire to serve and give where you're like checking in, like even you with the phone, you're like, okay, cool. What is my true desire for this? Like, do I truly have the capacity and ability to speak to this person in a way that's in service to them, in a way that's in service to me. For Natalie, it's like a yes. Maybe another friend, you're like, actually, it's not in best service to them or me. And that consciousness is really what makes the shift in life, you know, where you can choose what's happening for the best of you and for the best of them.

53:09I need everything you just said clipped and I need to repeat it every day. That was insane. Literally. Like the whole, I mean, it's so true. Like, especially what you said at the beginning, just like, is it because it's serving us? Is it not? Is it an abundance to others? Like to make other people feel safe. It's so like inherently passed down to be like the woman's role to do that stuff. So it's so true. And it's always helpful and like freeing to hear these things. Reminds me of like Glennon Doyle's Untamed, you know, and like have these revelations to then look at your life in a critical, but like loving way to then like course correct.

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56:40I love that you're doing that. Do you feel like your generation is doing, because I feel like you do that well. Like you look at your life critically, you look at how you're showing up. And I feel like that's also why you're so successful is because a lot of people want something different, but they're not looking critically at their own lives to see why it's not a matching. So you can be like, I want to be famous on TikTok or I want to be, have my own business or whatever. And they just want, they have the desire, but they're not really tracking. What about the way I'm operating in my life is not leading me to that place?

57:10Do you feel like your generation is like that? Do you feel like you're just like that? Like, what do you think is happening? It's hard to speak for like a whole generation, of course. I know that I have always been very driven. Um, and I've enjoyed the hunt and I think just always being an athlete as well. You just always have goals and like every single day at practice, like what is practice? It's let's talk about what you're not good at and let's get better. And there's literally never like an end to that. You could always be better. Um, and I think in ways that has like unhealthy aspects and negative aspects, of course, but I do think a core as a core value, like for one of my core values to be like, I'm superhuman and like I can accomplish anything.

57:55Like it's a positive. It's better than like a, I'm not deserving of trying, but you know, it has its negatives when I find myself taking on way too much, you know, I, so I think like for me and at least like the company I keep, I'm really like, I'm energized by people who at least care about what they're doing and they take pride in it. You don't have to be like a CEO of a company, But it is hard for me to be like really close friends with someone who has like no pursuit. And I've had to try to evaluate like, is that my own projection? And sometimes I think it is because like I don't know how to sit still and not achieve something.

58:35So then when someone can do it, it's uncomfortable for me because they can do something that I can't do. Um, but you know, I do think as I look at like Gen Z and like below that, at least from my personal experience with like my company and working with people, I feel for them in the way that like social media has amplified mental health issues and the vibe of the culture is like, screw the world. We're all going down. And like, it seems like there has been some loss of like the etiquette and the pursuit. I'm really grateful to Mel Robbins, like, because even though she's not like a personal guru I listen to every day, I do think she's like really like smacking into shape, like, and reminding young people, like, that they have autonomy and that they have great talents and that they have potential.

59:28And like, it's all comes back to them. And like, I've been loving to see that because for a while I would see on TikTok just so much negativity from the younger generation about like just depression. And I know because when I was depressed, it's comforting to like, you know, um, negativity breeds negativity and enthusiasm breeds enthusiasm. But, um, I remember thinking, dang, like, God, the vibe of the culture is just like, we're all in like this sad, pissy party. And like, that's just not helpful. And it's almost like harder to get out of it. Um, but I do think at least the side of Tik TOK and Instagram I've been on it's so cool seeing like younger people loving the Mel Robbins stuff and like uh no one's coming to save you like you have to get up you have to make the phone calls you have to send your resume you have to do the work you have to give this to then like get where you want to be um so that's been cool I guess it's like my high level thoughts on like I guess the culture yeah there's like this like I don't know when it happened or what generation I guess Gen Z, but like the fuck the man like type of vibe.

1:00:30Was that ours? I have no idea. But I don't think it's because like, so what I mean by that is like related to like not doing the work to get to where you want to go or to take self-responsibility or like, you know, it's like not really like fuck the man. It's actually like so much of it what you're bringing and what you can be in control of is so much more than you think. Yeah. And yeah, I felt like that was a big difference between millennials and Gen Z where like, I feel like millennials like still had that appreciation for like, okay, this is kind of like this thing is going to be a process and I respect the process and it might be challenging, might be hard.

1:01:13I'm going to meet it. But I feel like, and this is a gross generalization and could be wrong, but like they desire it to be a little bit easier and to kind of skip over some very important steps of a process which are like character building which are like healthy in the long run does that ring true or no i feel like you're different but i it's tough because i think obviously you can like look at the coin on every side you could also maybe look at millennials and be like a lot of them are millennials yeah okay i'm actually i don't even know what i am i think i'm i'm 97 i actually think i'm the last i'm in the last of the millennials oh Oh, really?

1:01:54Wait, you're a millennial? I don't know. Can I look this up? What are we? Are we boomers? No, we're not boomers. I definitely think I have traits of both. I agree. Like, I love listening to, like, Daughtry and Nickelback. But then I also, like, am chronically online. Girl. Okay, born between 1981 and 1996 millennials. Girl, you're Gen Z, sister. Let's go. This is our discovery today. Generation, Gen Z is 95 to 2012. I don't know how that makes sense. It overlapped. No, that cannot be right. My husband is not Gen Z. girl. Wait, when was he born? 95. That's crazy. I just want to say really fast.

1:02:33I'm curious too, if your algorithm of depression was where you were at when you weren't feeling well. And so now you know what I mean? What do you mean my algorithms? Oh, like, was I depressed when I was seeing that? No, it was actually like after. But something I will say, because like for about how we're talking about Gen Z too, is like to come up in social media, I think is really, really difficult. And I feel so grateful for like that coming into effect when I was more in high school and like had formed my own opinions a little bit and like had been used to a childhood where we played kick the cam with the neighbors and like we hit the dodgeball against the garage.

1:03:07Like, you know, so I do think it's one of those things where I never want to like say, oh, it's so easy. And these people are missing it because I think to come up with, I mean I had enough like body image issues and stress from like the Victoria's Secret app which isn't even a thing anymore it wasn't wait there was an app yeah there was an app wait say more actually don't know this um there was an app and they had like all the angels and you could like click on their profiles and see all their videos and then I would like google them and I'd look at their measurements of course like measure myself yeah um but I do think to come up with social media and with honestly I totally like also sympathize with parents who like are working jobs and they're busy and they're like here's the phone here's the video game here's the thing than like the addiction.

1:03:46The addiction I feel like with all of the like education and experiences I've had to a phone and you put that in the hands of an 11 year old who their parents are trying their best. Like no wonder their brain is now like wired to this. Like, I don't know, you know? I know. What? As a mom, what do you want to say? You have to, you have to. I have a controversial opinion. I don't think they're doing their best if they're giving their kids the phone. Preach. And the iPads, I'm sorry. I'm not a mom, so I'll stay out of it. It's the harder choice. It's like, I'm going to get so much shit, but it's the harder choice to not give it to them.

1:04:26And there's a lot of other things you can do and teach. And I understand. I'm a working mom. I have unique flexibility, but I still, I'm 3 ,000 miles away from my child right now. She's crying when she landed. But I do think there's other options. I just think it's the easier one and we see everyone do it and we think it's going to be okay. But we actually don't have enough research. We don't have enough years to see what it is doing to our children. We are the first generation that has both. You know, I didn't grow up with – I think I got a cell phone when I was – but it was like the little peanut cell phone.

1:05:04It was like the Motorola. The Firefly? Where you had four buttons? Girl. Yeah, I don't even know. Mom, dad, home, police. Yeah. Police. That's what I'm going to get my kid when he's freaking 16. Like, I don't – it's just we don't know enough yet, and it scares me. And to your point, like, we're severely addicted in a lot of ways. and their little brains are like in that prime time to be influenced, to become literally dependent on having that to comfort them in those moments when they're bored. You know what I mean? Yeah, the pacification of it. Yeah. I think it's like, and again, I'm couching this with no idea-ness, but I'm just trying to think of, okay, so what is the thought process for someone like that?

1:05:51they're overwhelmed and they're unable to manage their own experience. So they're needing relief and the relief is given by given to the child, the phone, right? Is that what's happening? Well, I was just thinking if you don't give the child the phone, then like you might need to if you can't pay for child support, like you might need to help them or entertain them or then watch them. And like, maybe you have a call or you have an email. Like, I mean, this is, I don't have a kid, so I'm imagining, but like, you know, I, I, I don't think, I don't think there's I would bet there's not parents are thinking like this is the best thing to do for my kid I'm thinking they're more thinking it's like this is how I can get through this day but then like that day becomes like every week every month and then it becomes like yeah it when you take it away the kid's like I hate you and then you're like fuck dude yeah because their little brain is addicted to it I do think it's the you know I'm hate to be like this but I do think there's like a global economic pressure that so much so many people are living against too where it's like the women have to work full-time jobs now.

1:06:49Like that wasn't always the case when our parents were growing up, when we were growing up, even, you know, in Ohio, there was so many stay-at-home moms. And now it's like almost every mother also has to work in addition to every father. So it's like both homes have dual income. They're outsourcing the childcare to like whatever. And it's, yeah, it is really, really heartbreaking to think about, but you know, it's funny about that statement. Like they're not doing their best. I'll never forget in therapy one time, my therapist just goes did you think your parents did their best and I was like no and she's like I knew you'd say that I was like bro I think you agree or no yeah um I think it there's something I don't think she was thinking about them I think she was thinking about what that says about me yeah what that what that perception says about me and that perception says about me that I don't know I don't even know I need to ask her but there's I think there's um I think there's an anger and a resentment that is expressed through that of my anger or resentment or thinking they could have done better or thinking that they could have cared for me more.

1:07:49And I guess like the more elevated process would be like, oh, they did do their best. Well, I was going to say like, can I offer a thought? Yeah. I think when it comes to asking yourself if you or anyone is doing their best. That's a good one. I think the answer is yes. not that this means that they've went and done all the research and they've written out all the ways they could do something and they've chosen the best. That's what we think about when they, did they do their best? The way that anyone behaves in a moment is their best. It's how their experiences, their personality, like how it all comes to be and how they are in that moment.

1:08:27That is their best because if they could have done better, they could have said better, they could have taken a breath, they could have stopped and researched, they would have. I'm not saying that it means we should tolerate it or we should celebrate it or we should accept it. But I think that how anyone shows up in any given moment is actually their like top capacity. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does.

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1:12:30What it is is the fact that, you know what I mean? What it is is that it is. But then on the other side, I just feel like so many people, and I know that there's more spaciousness for my greater expression and embodiment and joy and service. So I'm not saying I'm perfect. But I just feel like so many people are not living up to their fullest potential. They know that they're here for more. They know that they want more from their life. They know that there's more potential and possibility. and there's something that's keeping them from making the small steps towards that. And not even outside of moms.

1:13:00Like we're done talking about moms. We're talking about like just people in our 20s or 30s. It's like so many people want more for their life and I don't know if they don't know where to go first and they don't know what it is. What do you think about that?

1:13:13I feel like at a default that's where my brain goes because I'm someone who's like always wanted more and wanted to like reach my potential and that's been fun. And so I want that for others. And like, I'm the quintessential, like, I think all my friends could be like, you know, world renowned XYZs, whatever they love, right? Like that's like what I default to. However, I've had to realize and accept that like not everyone wants the same things. And some people could like be really happy working a job that they actually don't feel passionate about, but they know how it works and it's low stress and it's very predictable and it's very comfortable.

1:13:49And then they get to enjoy their evenings and their weekends and like know that every year, they're going to get a 5 % raise and like, it's going to be good. And so everyone's different. And some people don't want to like talk to their friends all the time, or they don't want to like have family be a priority or they want to live in this place or they want to do. So it's like, I think I'm, that's where I am now. It's like, I think everyone can want different things and it might not be like exactly how I want it. And then that helps me not like push or add storyline or look at someone and think, oh, they should want this.

1:14:22It's like, well, maybe they're actually happy, even though it could never be what I would want for myself. Like it's actually what works for them. Yeah. As long as they're happy. If they're not happy and not doing it, but it is as long as they're happy. Because I do think, at least in my experience as someone that always wants more, it's not, I have a lot of joy in my life, but it's not always happy. That desire for more always, more success, more whatever is not, it's like not always fun. Like it kind of keeps me like never satisfied sometimes. Yeah. Which isn't a good thing. Yeah. I feel like there are moments just speaking to like potential and doing your best.

1:14:59Like I do have conscious moments of like I could make a better choice for myself right now and I don't because I - Say more. Example. Something, a silly example is like going to bed. What am I going to do right now that would be like the best for my mind, for my spirit, for a good night's sleep. It might be like meditating and a book and like a little red light. But then I'm like, oh, I would love to watch like an episode of Love is Blind right now. I know. Do you know what I mean? It's like both are fine. Yes. But like I, it's almost like the meditating and reading like an excerpt from a book and just having like a quiet moment would be like kind of pushing myself to do that you know and the other thing is like oh yeah yeah both are fine but I think I choose the easier just like I'm saying about the moms like we all have that part of us it's just like yeah it's that future self thing it's like what would the future self rather have you do watch that or pray or you know do the thing and it's like how can we get in touch with future self yeah so I have like conscious moments of like, we didn't, that probably wasn't my best.

1:16:09For sure. To be honest. Yeah. I'm like my number one enabler though. Yeah. I'm like, bro. Are we all? No, but like in like a way where I'm like, I'll bring the phone to bed now that I'm like, when I was in a, when I was married, I was like psycho. I was like 7 p.m. off the phone, 7, 8, like I was just like, I think I was trying to prove to him that I was something. I think I had to like have someone else around me to be like, yo, I'm amazing at this. And now that I'm like doing my thing, I'm like all around. I'm in the streets and I'm just like in phone. I'm like, you know what? I'm young. I'm young and I'm like, I just deserve a little cuddle phone time.

1:16:48I'm just like, I'm all good with that. But I will have, I think my thing where I will, and it's related to food and body, because that's been a journey for me. I think my thing will be with food and body. Like I noticed myself this weekend. I was traveling and it was a friend's birthday in the past weeks. I'd been, um, I'd been out to dinners a lot and not sleeping. And then this weekend was like cakes and desserts and like all that, which is fine. But I actually noticed myself angry because I was like, Oh, like I was just annoyed at like how much shit I had been eating. And I was like, okay, what's that?

1:17:24How is like, what's the truth there of like, it doesn't feel good to eat pieces of cake every day. But then there's also the truth of like, where am I annoyed that I'm expecting? You know, where am I mad at myself for having the cake? That balance of like, this doesn't feel good actually for me and my body and the way that I'm relating to food, but also I can't be mad at myself for wanting, you know what I mean? Yeah. Participating in kind of like a joyful celebration is what it is. Yeah. I think with both of these topics too, of like the phone and the cake, like, Like, I think we all have to get to a place where we're, like, recognize, oh, something isn't working for us.

1:17:59And then we're motivated to make the change. And, like, that's what happened to me this past weekend. It's, like, I really got to this place of, like, such overwhelm and such that I was, like, that's it. Putting these boundaries on my phone, making these changes, pulling out my journal. And, like, eventually I think we lead ourselves. Unfortunately, sometimes we do have to fall into, like, this trench to then, like, want to make a different thing happen for us. But sometimes we do need the love is blind night to turn off our brain and to scroll our phone. And I think when we do that, let's not judge ourselves so that we can actually reap the benefit of the R &R and the moment to give yourself a break.

1:18:40And trust that if you're working on – anyone listening to this podcast at this minute of this episode is doing this work. So it's like, you know, knowing that, okay, your spirit's going to speak to you and you're going to feel the desire to make a radical change in your everyday, like when you've reached your limit, you know, and then giving yourself grace and having that trust with yourself. When you have that internal, like, I can't talk about food. I can't trust myself. I can't allow myself to have one piece of cake because I don't have 10 pieces and I'm going to have this and then I'm going to have that and then I'm going to have to diet.

1:19:09It's like, whoa, now we're like fighting ourselves. It's, hey, if I'm craving cake and it's here and it tastes delicious, I'm allowed to have a piece and enjoy that. And then when I'm done, I'm going to check in with myself and see how I feel. And if I want another, I'll grab another. And if I don't, I won't, you know. But the trust and the not being at war with yourself I think is key. Yeah. Where do you find yourself today? Like at this moment, you know, we're about to have your birthday. Like where would you say if you were to – We're going to be at your birthday. Yeah, honestly. I can't wait.

1:19:39You're inviting us to your birthday. We're at the pool. I'm stressed already. Not kidding. Do I know? Literally. Like, where do you find yourself? Like, what do you find yourself thinking about the most? Like, for all of our listeners that are, like, tuning into you right now, like, what's on your mind the most? What's on your heart? Well, I would just think the biggest thing on my heart and my mind right now is my anxiety, which is really manifesting itself in so many thoughts all the time. like two streams of thought, a song in the background and like just feeling really overwhelmed. Actually something you said earlier, Krista, that I loved and kind of like blacked out after you said it.

1:20:18Cause I don't even remember what you said after. Cause I was like, I need to think about that as you said, I enjoy my thoughts. And I think I've had this thing recently where I've like resent my thoughts and I hate my thoughts. I just want to turn my brain off and like stop thinking going back to practice what you preach. Like I'm creating a little mini war with myself, right? Of like, I hate thinking, why am I thinking again? Like, I'm so mad. So when you said this, I actually enjoy my thoughts. Like that was actually really cute. And I was like, wait, can I try to shift this to be a positive of like, I love that I'm a thinker and I focus on details and I care deeply and that this serves a huge purpose from the hours of eight to five every day, but it doesn't when it's time to like be with my friends or my husband or my family.

1:20:59So that's what I'm like currently thinking about, working through, trying to start to enjoy my thoughts and also shift the attention from what other people are thinking. It's like I'm so obsessed with freaking thoughts right now. It's my thoughts, your thoughts, your thoughts, everyone's thoughts. And to kind of clear that out, blow it away, let it fade. But yeah, that's my struggle. that's huge yeah that's huge and I think where you are in your life it's just so pivotal and so important and I think you're just doing such a beautiful job you know of it it's like big time and making so much impact on so many other people supporting so many people just by being yourself but also pushing yourself to be the best version like it's not easy work you know to go to therapy every week to like show up to be vulnerable in front of millions to like support people in the way that you do.

1:21:54So just like honoring you and that, it's like huge. Thank you. Beauties. That's so sweet. And you both too. I love chatting with you guys. I can't wait for her. Me too. I need to re-listen too. Both of you are like so brilliant. I loved this Jess. Thank you for being here. Thank you guys. All right, guys. We'll see you on the next one. We love you. Bye.

1:22:19thank you so much victoria you can listen to her on the real pod every single week you can follow her on instagram and tiktok and thank you so much for being on victoria you're the best thanks for having us on your show as well you can find that episode on the real pod love you guys so much you're the best morning microdose is our clips channel so if y 'all want like five to ten minutes of inspiration motivation some of the best of the best from almost 30 go to morning microdose it's It's just an ad-free show that we provide just for you. Almost30.com for more information on the show, on Lindsay and I, for our partnership information, for our new branding and look.

1:22:55Almost 30 on Instagram and TikTok. And then we have YouTube, baby. If you want to see us on video, if you want to see our girl on video in our studio, come hang. Come hang. All right, y 'all. We'll see you next time. See you soon. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. you