817. A Holiday You Don’t Have to Perform For: Choosing Ease, Joy & Presence

0:12Hello and welcome to a solo episode for the Almost 30 podcast. I'm Lindsay Simsek. I'm so glad you're here. Krista and I do solos every single month. It's some of our favorite content to do. Really, you're getting us in real time, just reflecting on, sharing with you things that we're moving through, maybe lessons that we've recently learned, habits that we are actually doing that have made a difference in our life and more. And you guys love these. So we're back with another one. If you're new to Almost 30, thanks for being here. I don't know how you found us, but I'm grateful in the wild world of podcasting where there's 84 million of them to find us feels kismet and it feels like there's a reason for it.

1:02So I hope the reason is obvious to you sooner rather than later. We also have our book out. It's been out for four months now. Our book baby is just making its impact in the world. I'm getting messages almost every day about people who are reading the book and I'm just, yeah, I'm in awe. I'm like, we wrote a book. It's just, it's crazy. It's a guide for navigating seasons of change, especially that transition from your late 20s into your 30s. It's a wild time. And you feel like you should know more. You should have more figured out. And it's actually very, it's by design that you don't. And so we talk about it.

1:41It's a guide. I think you're going to love it. Get it for people in your life. Get it for yourself. Anywhere books are sold. Target, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and more. All right, let's kick it. Let's get into this solo episode. It's the holiday season. It's the holiday season.

2:01I'd say actually every type, every part of the year has a place in my heart for different reasons. And the holiday season is just one of those seasons that feels very nostalgic to me. It feels very warm. It feels very permission giving in that I know I'm going to have time with friends and family, like very intentional time with friends and family, which I love and look forward to. and it feels like the buzz of kind of the everyday work stuff and new, I don't know. It just, it feels like it lifts a little bit and I can climb into the holiday hole and use it as an excuse until after like January 5th.

2:50So I enjoy it for the most part, but I've learned throughout the years that I have to prep for this season in order to be able to be as present as possible and actually enjoy it. Sometimes life is moving so fast that I get to the holiday season and I'm frustrated because I haven't planned anything. I haven't done anything in advance as far as shopping goes, putting things on my calendar, committing to certain things with friends or family. I'm pissed because I haven't done that. And then I'm overwhelmed by consumerism. I'm overwhelmed more in recent years with what I'm seeing on social media and just comparing this holiday aesthetic to what I'm actually feeling and experiencing.

3:46So in this solo episode, I want to talk about how I'm creating holidays that actually feel good, not just look good. Because I know a lot of us are like, let me capture this and put it on social media and show my friends and families and followers that like my life is all good and so warm and fuzzy. And it's not that it's not. And I don't knock you for sharing the good stuff and maybe only the good stuff. I actually don't at all. I think that's a beautiful thing. when it's done in a healthy way. But I really want to kind of pull us out of that, pull our energy back from the performative holiday, if you know what I mean.

4:34And I want to consciously craft a season that really feels nourishing where you get to the other side and you're like, oh, that felt great. I saw people I wanted to see. They really filled my cup. I rested. I indulged. I had new experiences. I had time to reset or audit some things. So I want to talk about how I've been kind of newly approaching the holiday season and why. Are we ready? Okay, let's adventure. I don't know about you, but you might be a parent, you might not be, but since becoming a parent, I just kind of experienced the holidays a little bit differently. I experienced life a little bit differently.

5:30I think I've said that a million times, but I will say it a million more because it's very true. and what I'm thinking about right now is just this idea that like I'm not at the center of my world anymore and it's such a joy to be able to pour into another little human being and support him in his growth and in his curiosity and all the things and I think around holiday time it's just such a precious, precious thing, a really precious thing. And there's also still that undercurrent that I have as maybe what you would consider an influencer, someone who has a platform online, where I'm tempted to kind of be sucked into the showing on social media, that cuteness, that preciousness all the time.

6:28And I've just like drawn a hard line in the sand for myself because it can get out of control very, very quickly. So as far as social media goes, this is where I want to begin because it just kind of this rule for me then helps me to be a bit more liberated and free and how I'm designing my holidays. And so one of the rules for me around social media is that I am never, basically never, yeah, basically never sharing in real time unless I'm doing something for work. So when it comes to family, personal, holidays, events, milestones, trips, vacations, whatever, I am never sharing in real time. And the reason for that is I would say twofold.

7:28One, because I don't want the technical labor of posting, of writing a caption, of all the things that come with posting something in real time. I want none of it. I just wanted to be able to take out the camera on my phone, snap a pic, take a video, save it as a memory, and then figure out if and when I want to share it later on. And so that has really helped me to stay as present as possible in the moment while still capturing these moments because there are so many times when I'm like, gosh, darn it, why didn't I take a picture? Why didn't we take a group picture? That was the only time that we're ever going to be together for the next 10 years.

8:17Like we should have taken a great picture. So I am getting better with that and also committed to not posting in real time because there's no real reason to post in real time with what I'm doing. The second reason for not posting in real time is safety. I am not the biggest celebrity in the world. And also I am visible online. And so anyone who is visible online, whether you consider yourself to be well-known or not, you should be careful when posting in real time, especially when, say you're on vacation. You're like, hey, I'm on vacation. Here I am. Basically, here's my location. Here's the hotel I'm staying at.

9:07One, maybe people nearby to where you live on a regular basis know that you're not home. Two, if people know that you're at a certain hotel, that's information that they could use. Maybe you traveled without your kids and you say your kids are with grandma in this town. I don't know. Listen, we don't know who's watching us and this is not to generate fear. this is to remind us that if we are online, especially in a social media capacity, we have eyes on us and we don't always know who those eyes are. So I would just say practice safety when it comes to posting. I would recommend not in real time.

9:58Do it afterwards. Do it as like a, look at what I did this weekend. How cute, How amazing, right?

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12:49but that is really that boundary that rule has helped me to then design my holidays, infuse it with intention, plan with people, reorient myself to the holidays in a way that isn't under the microscope of social media and feeling like I have to like share about every little thing and talk about every little thing. The next thing I want to talk about in relation to the holidays is this pressure to perform joy. I think generally speaking, the holidays do bring about a lot of joy and that's part of the reason why I love them. I love them. I love them. And life is going to life. And the holidays might overlap with a season in my life and in your life that isn't marked by a lot of joy and hope and celebration.

13:45And so if I've learned anything over the years, it's that one, not every holiday is going to be the best holiday ever. And two, you know, I think the holiday season can really be what you need during that season of your life. So perhaps you are moving through a season of grief. Maybe you've experienced a loss. Maybe you've lost someone in terms of them passing away, or maybe you've experienced a breakup, or maybe you just lost your job, or maybe you've just had a health scare that's leaving you just feeling very vulnerable and scared. I think the holidays can be a really intentional time to reconnect with yourself and what you actually need to nourish your soul, nourish your body, nourish your mind.

14:45And it might not be the holiday parties. They might not be the answer. And I think it's hard for us to step out of what we feel is expected of us during this holiday, any holiday season. But I think it's so important, especially as we get older, that we liberate ourselves from those expectations and those self-limitations around these things and actually be in our life enough to know that I'm okay, that this holiday isn't going to look like they've looked in the past. But I am committed to moving through my grief, receiving love and support during this time, keeping it simple, getting more rest than maybe I've allowed myself to get.

15:36You know, whatever it is, but allowing the season to be what you need rather than the hallmark card, you know, vision that you might be doled in all of these commercials and on social media. Um, you know, social media, I think that like that pressure syndrome to, to showcase those perfect moments versus actually living them, um, is taking us farther and farther away from our lives. So whether you might be going into this season full of hope and joy and excited for it, And then you find yourself trying to capture as much as possible, post these moments, get the likes, get the validation, fine. But I find that when I'm doing that, it actually pulls me out of living my life.

16:39So it's just really interesting what starts to happen. I actually become exhausted. I become what feels like a temporary, slip into like a temporary depression because I just feel so disconnected from my life because all I'm worried about is capturing it, posting it and curating it in such a way. This was me a few years ago. It's definitely not me today. I've created like insane boundaries around this. But if you are someone who finds yourself in the middle of the season and you're like, I kind of feel awful or I just don't feel connected to my life or myself. Let's take a look at what we are prioritizing, you know, especially around social media or especially around the pressure that we feel to perform, to be happy, to host the parties, to attend everything, to end the year, you know, meeting all of your professional goals and all of these things that I think can really pull us away from being in our lives, like truly in our lives during this season.

17:53So again, it's really about awareness and one practice that's really helped me, really, really helped me during the holiday season. And it's so simple, maybe even corny, but I swear to you, it's going to work. So I know during the holiday season, you're going to have a few holiday parties. Am I right? You're going to have a few holiday parties, professional, personal, you know, whatever it is. And it's important that you are taking literally five to 10 minutes before you host these things, before you go to these things without your phone, without anything distracting you. And you are just present with yourself, your breath, close your eyes.

18:52You kind of bring yourself a bit more inward and you ask yourself, how do you want to feel? How do you want to feel tonight at this event, at this holiday party? How do I want to feel? And be super clear, super, super specific to, I want to feel light. I want to feel open and receptive. I want to feel curious and giddy. I want to be really aware of people in the room who might be yearning for connection, but afraid to make it, make that connection. And I want to be that person that shows them that they are someone, you know, that people want to talk to. I want to feel like I'm in my body. I want to feel confident.

20:01You know, just really get into how you want to feel. And then choose whether it's like a little boundary or maybe a mantra that you declare. So for me, it's I commit to staying in my body even in moments where I want to leave. And if it requires me to excuse myself to go into the bathroom and take a few deep breaths, that's okay. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. Sometimes I get very stimulated in these social situations. And so just giving myself that permission, you know, setting the tone with myself is so, so important. Okay. Next, I want to talk about prevention, prevention as self-care going into this season.

21:08If I've learned anything with my husband, it is that we must plan ahead because our calendars will suddenly get filled up. And yet we haven't filled any of our calendar with time for just us or family time or alone time. And then the disagreements roll in. But yet we were the ones that allowed that to happen. So what we've learned is that we need to plan ahead as a couple. So we will have meetings, literal meetings, where we are syncing our calendars. We're making sure that we have each other's travel schedules related to work, our family travel schedule on the calendar, any upcoming like big meetings or projects or anything that we should be aware of as one another's person, as one another's other half, if you will.

22:08And then we will fill in date nights. We will fill in alone time or, you know, just like areas where we will need a little extra for ourselves, say after a week of work travel for Sean, getting home on a Friday. Maybe he needs a run on a Saturday morning. Let's put that in the calendar. I know it's silly because like, of course, like you can take a run. It's not about asking permission or needing to put it on the calendar, but because it's on the calendar to us, that signals it is important and we are going to abide by it and support it. So that is something that we do. I highly recommend doing if you are just closely tied with someone, whether it's, you know, your husband or wife or your best friend or whatever, just map it out on the calendar for the holiday season, especially.

23:09Then we'll move on to mental load mapping. Mental load mapping, writing out everything that you think you are responsible for and reassigning or removing what is not necessary. So related to the holiday season, you know, say we're hosting a holiday party. I will write down, I am responsible for the food. I am responsible for creating the invitation. I am responsible for following up, RCPs. Like I'll list everything I think I'm responsible for. And then he and I will go through and see if he can take on anything. If our family assistant, which we have a family assistant, highly recommend, can take on anything and anything that's just not necessary.

23:59Like, am I just like loading on my plate just to load on my plate? Is there anything unnecessary that I could take away? And so this mental load mapping helps bring, it just gives one another insight into what we feel like we're taking on, how we can relieve each other of some of that, and how we can just nix some of that. We also sit down and in that meeting plan our recovery days. So say we know we are traveling during the holidays, which can be a bear with a child and just a bear in general during the holidays. And if we know that we are traveling, say, across the country for a few days, that's quite a lot of travel for a short period of time, We're probably going to be exhausted.

24:44And we come back on a Thursday. We want to know that Friday is a day that we can truly rest and reset, where we can unpack, we can do laundry, we can get a nap in, we can get a good workout in, either both of us, where maybe we have support with Mav when normally we wouldn't. Like really supporting ourselves so that it doesn't all of a sudden happen and we're annoyed because we're tired and we didn't plan for this. And then one person really needs their alone time and the other person's like, how dare you take your alone time? What do you mean? So again, this is like the unsexy part of being in an intimate relationship, but I swear to God, your present moment is going to be that much hotter because you've planned these things.

25:36Okay. The American Institute of Stress, fun fact, look this up, said that the lack of downtime during the holidays is a top three trigger for seasonal burnout. So I know a lot of you look forward to the holidays because it's like, quote unquote, a time of like rest and being off work. But let's be real. Are we actually resting? I think we have to be very honest with ourselves. Very, very honest with ourselves. I have to be honest with myself. So in order to get ahead of that a little bit, do what I just laid out for you. And also let's do the holiday audit where we look at what we're committing to related to the holidays, the parties, the get togethers, baking for this, you know, donating your time for this.

26:30Before December 1st, I want you to write down all of your obligations, every single one of them. It doesn't matter what they are, how small or big they are, write them down. Highlight only the ones that give you energy. When you read them and you really feel into them, you close your eyes, do they excite you? Do they give you energy? Do they pique your interest, your curiosity? and I want you to eliminate or delegate 25 % of the rest. I know it's a big percentage, but for real, you will be so much happier. I promise you. Make sure you build in those days where you're not, you have nothing planned.

27:10I know we try to pack it into two weeks or a week and a half, but y 'all, you're going to be miserable if every single day is filled. You're going to be miserable? Where is time for you? Where is time for genuine rest? And also where is time for the unplanned and like kind of seeing what is in store for you that you didn't plan, which is like so fun in life.

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30:56Okay. How are we feeling? Stressed about the holidays yet? All right. Let's move on to how to stay healthy and grounded in your body and mind during the holidays. This is something that, you know, I was thinking about the other day. It's hilarious. I was taken back to when I was like a teenager into my college years. And I just like, I don't, yeah, I wasn't really connected to my body at all. And I would go to these holiday parties, like family holiday parties, and I would eat until my face went numb, to be honest with you. And I just felt like I have to. I have to eat all of this amazing, delicious food.

31:41It's never going to be here again. I can't waste it. I have to have every dessert and I have to have three plates of food at dinner. And mind you, it wasn't about how it made me look. It was more about how it made me feel. I would leave there absolutely bent over, just could not move. So miserable. I feel like now I just have a much healthy, much more healthy relationship with my body where I tune in. I'm like, I'm hungry. This looks amazing. I'm going to eat it. This is gorgeous. I'm going to have a nice glass of wine with this meal. It feels good. But I don't feel like I have that urge anymore to overindulge because it's the only time that this is ever going to happen or it's only happening once a year.