819. Why Looking “Perfect” Still Doesn’t Feel Safe

29:49And so it's the water that we're swimming in. It's the messages we receive when we're kids, when we're adolescents. For me, I remember just like there were four kids in my family growing up and there were a lot of challenges in my home and my parents worked very, very hard and life was a struggle. Everything was a struggle. We just had a lot to contend with. And for me, the way I got attention, the way I got paid attention to sort of became about two things. It became about having accomplishments. And then gradually as I got older in life, I realized I could get paid attention to if I was pretty.

30:29And that sort of developed over time. And so I got really locked into the experience of being successful and being attractive. And it's like a prison of your own making. It is. I think about it too. You know, I think that's the experience I was having where I was like, whoa, being attractive is such a, you know, and whatever people could think I'm attractive or not, but there's a, there's an, or an energy of a life that I've lived of being an attractive person, we'll say. and I was like, dang, it's such a gift and then it is such a prison. And I was like, I almost was like, wow, what a relief it would be.

31:08And honestly, I don't know if this is gonna sound to people, but my experience on earth would be so radically different if I wasn't always clocking if people thought I was attractive or not. And like having a liberation of like, I'm gonna go in and be who I am as a person rather than like this initial, Like I was even thinking about stories that I do on my page on my Instagram. Obviously, looks goes into the Instagram world, you know, kind of that pipeline of like looks, attractiveness, and then perceived in the world. I was doing stories and people I was doing stories are like deep and profound in my own sense.

31:49And people were like, Oh, what is your lip gloss? You look so beautiful commenting on my looks, which is fine, obviously. But the reason why is because there's a part of my aura that's wanting that to be the first thing that gets in. And I was working, I'm really working on the energetics of what is it to be like where people are seeing me and they're hearing what I'm saying rather than going through the filter that I'm making them go through of my looks. Wow. That's really profound. and it's a vulnerable place to put yourself if you've always sort of used your appearance as a way to cope and survive in the world.

32:24For sure. You know, and I also think about anything that we use to cope and survive in the world. For me, it's mostly been my ambition or success, sometimes my attractiveness. Anytime we're using that to cope or survive, there's a fear of losing it. And so it's like, you always have to contend with the inner critic that's saying you're not successful enough, or you're not attractive enough, because you're using those worldly things to feel safe. And so inherently, you're going to baseline feel unsafe without them. And I think always afraid that it's never going to be enough. Totally. So someone listening might understand why the looks applies to that.

33:09Why does ambition and why would that be a part of that category? Because it signals to the outside world, which then gets reflected back to you, that you are worthy, important, and enough. If you have successes, if you have achievements, the outside world typically recognizes them. You get praise and validation for that. And then it gives you a message that I'm good enough. But if you are relying upon your successes to translate that into the message, I'm good enough, it's always going to feel like a prison, like it's never enough. You have to keep doing it in order to be enough. You can't take a break.

33:51You can't slow down. You can't fail. You can't chill. You can't rest and relax because the belief that you are good enough is contingent upon your performance.

34:05Okay, I have to say this because I didn't know this for a very long time. Most traditional nonstick cookware still contains PFAS, also known as forever chemicals. These are the chemicals found in Teflon and a lot of the pans we grew up using, and they can actually leach into your food, your home, and your body. And once they're in the body, they don't break down. So when I learned that, I was like, okay, we are upgrading our kitchen and we're never looking back. And that's where our place comes in. They make really beautiful high-performance cookware that is completely toxin-free, no PFAS, no PTFEs, so you can cook and not have to wonder what's coming along for the ride besides your food.

34:45You know what I mean? What I love most and I think is a great place to start foundationally is their four-piece cookware set. It basically replaces that whole chaotic stack of pots and pans in your cabinet. You get the always pan and the perfect pot in both mini and full sizes. and with just those four pieces, listen to this, you can literally do everything. You can sear, saute, fry, steam, bake, boil, roast. They're multifunctional and they stack so it saves space and sanity. And the nonstick performance is actually amazing. I can make eggs and they just slide off. Cleanup is a joke. It's so easy and it just takes almost no effort these days to cook and clean.

35:25So I'm really happy. I have a ton of cookware from our place and the colors. Yeah, the colors are freaking gorgeous. They have a wide range of colors. Sometimes I just leave the cookware on the stove and it looks beautiful. I feel like buying the set saves you a lot of money. It saves you$150 versus buying things individually. So just a note on that. I also really, I just wanted to shout out, I love their dream cooker. This is a slow cooker, pressure cooker. It sautés. It keeps things warm. It's phenomenal. I'm actually in this moment making a homemade chicken noodle soup. I'm cooking it for seven, eight hours today.

36:10I cannot wait. But our place is having their biggest sale of the year right now, up to 35 % off site-wide through December 2nd. So if you're wanting to upgrade your cookware or you're thinking about gifting kitchen things this year, this is the moment. Head to fromourplace.com to shop the Black Friday sale. No code needed. Free shipping, free returns, and a 100-day risk-free trial so you can cook with confidence. Amazing. I'm so excited for you guys. Again, fromourplace.com, you can shop the Black Friday sale. No code needed. Free shipping, free returns, and a 100-day risk-free trial. I feel like for a long time, money felt way more stressful than it needed to be.

36:49I stress so hard about money, especially when it came to banking and all the random fees you don't even realize you're paying. I feel like one day I woke up, I was like, wait, how was I charged$40 like eight times? What is happening? That's why I've really been into Chime. It's a smarter, fee-free way to bank that actually feels like it's built for real life, not old school banks charging overdraft and monthly fees just for existing. With Chime, you get paid up to two days early with direct deposit, and their MyPay feature lets you access up to$500 of your paycheck when you choose. That flexibility alone has helped me feel way more calm and in control around money.

37:24It's awesome. They also help you build credit history stress-free, and you can earn up to 3 % APY on savings, which is seven times higher than a traditional bank. Plus, they're rated five stars by USA Today for customer service. Real humans, available 24-7. And their new Chime card is such a shift. You can build credit with your own money and earn cash back at the same time. It's awesome. No annual fees, no interest, no strings attached, no anything. With qualifying direct deposits, you get 1.5 % cash back on eligible purchases. I use this and honestly, my younger self would have benefited so much from it.

38:00Chime is not just smarter banking. It is the most rewarding way to bank. Join the millions who are already banking fee-free today. It just takes a few minutes to sign up, head to chime.com slash almost 30. That is chime.com slash almost 30. Chime is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services, a secured Chime Visa credit card and MyPay line of credit provided by the Bancor Bank NA or Stride Bank NA. MyPay eligibility requirements apply and credit limit ranges$20 to$500. Optional services and products may have fees or charges. See chime.com slash fees info. Advertised annual percentage yield with Chime Plus status only.

38:28Otherwise, 1.00 % APY applies. No min balance required. Chime card on-time payment history may have a positive impact on your credit score. Results may vary. See chime.com for details and applicable terms. Do you feel like as a, do you feel like they're like thinking about how this is created besides the water that we swim in? Do you feel like also there's the experience of a child or teen that's sort of going through life and then clocking what can happen when they're attractive or when they're successful and then sort of becoming that as the way that they seek to feel safe or they understand they have the misunderstanding that that's the way to safety.

38:59Yeah. And I know that that's exactly the case for me. I know that, you know, when it was hard to get attention and care in my home, I would bring home my spelling test that I got 102 on and put it with a magnet on the fridge and tell my mom and dad, look, I got the bonus points too. I remember that then like my siblings might, maybe they were getting in trouble at school or they were having a problem. I remember specifically wanting my parents to feel like they were good parents. And so if I did a good job at school and I got the lead in the play and I got hundreds on my tests, that was proof that my parents were good parents.

39:45And so, and it also had this added benefit of I got attention, like great job, Molly. You know, wow, Molly got another 100. And so I learned that I could stabilize our family dynamic and feel good about myself and get attention, stand out in a chaotic situation by performing well. So that's how it was for me. And I think there are as many different iterations of that for people as there are people.

40:23it's interesting the looks I know I'm double clicking a lot on the looks but I've really never processed this I think it's really important yeah it's so let's keep talking about it I think it's so helpful for just women too because it's like we're so pressured to look a certain way and all of these things I want to talk about the relationship between that and like the sexuality and like realizing that you're like a sexual being and that men are interested in you sexually. And it's interesting because even when I talk about that, I kind of go like sideways back to the left because there's a predator prey feeling or when you've had sexual trauma, you know, you are now confused.

40:59You're like, I should look attractive and I like to look attractive, but also I'm getting attention in a way that feels a little off and uncomfortable. And I think a lot of women have had that experience where they're like, this is good, is it type of thing? So can you talk about that sort of journey of stepping into your power as a woman and realizing you're a beautiful sexual being, and then also having the experience of feeling like that's wrong or dangerous? Yes. And this is, again, we get put into this catch 22, where we can never fully be safe as women. You have to be beautiful to feel safe in the world and to feel accepted.

41:40But if you're beautiful, you're going to be unsafe in the world because you're going to be a target for men. Right? So real. You have to be beautiful to get chosen by a man. But if you are beautiful, you are likely also to be the victim of a man who sets his sights on you and takes ownership you in a way that is not his to take. And only likes you for that. Right. So it's like, there's no winning this game. It's really unfair to women that we have to be beautiful. And yet we suffer from being beautiful. And there's this concept that I want to tell the listeners about, which is called a reflected sense of self.

42:24And a reflected sense of self is when you only see yourself through the eyes of someone else. So you can only see yourself in this situation. You can only really see yourself through the eyes of a man and what a man must think of you. And when you look in the mirror, it's like there's a filter where you're not actually seeing what you're seeing. You're seeing what you imagine a man is seeing. And you're judging yourself and maintaining some kind of standard based on that. And a reflected sense of self is, of course, such an unstable sense of self. Because one, there's a degree of separation. It's not what we're actually seeing.

43:07So we have to like travel far to get to it, which makes it a weird and windy road. What do they actually see when they look at me, you know? And it's also unstable because what other people see when they look at you is, first of all, so different from person to person. They're projecting all of their own experiences onto you and they see you through a filter. And, you know, it just, people, what they see in you can change at any time. So if your idea of who you are is based on what other people see when they look at you, a reflected sense of self. That's a very shaky place to live. And I see that a lot in people who are beautiful and get validation from being beautiful and then feel like they have to keep being beautiful.

44:00So other people see them that way. And in people who are highly accomplished, who get a lot of validation from their accomplishments and then feel like, well, that's why people see me as good enough. And so I have to keep doing those things. I'm glad I had a long, ugly face so I could develop a personality not based on that. But in the, you know, the reflective sense of self almost in the real time way. I've done this with my again, I literally don't talk about Instagram this much. But my Instagram stories where you put something out because of the perception you think it's going to give other people, you know, where you're like, how is this going to make a man look at me feel about me.

44:38Like, yeah, it's almost the whole thing is a reflected sense of self, right? Developing a storyline and a persona based on what you perceive others to think of you. Yes. I also know, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm beautiful. I feel beautiful. But I also I'm friends with some of the most beautiful women in the world. And I also know that it's like a burden and it's like an annoyance. And it's like, uh, it's a, it's another entity in the room. It is, it truly is dude. I'm like, how do you like, literally I'm exhausted. I'm like, how do you literally, I'm like, I don't even know if I want to be that beautiful.

45:20Like it's a whole entity and an experience and people, the whole time they're talking to you are thinking about your looks and are clocking your looks. And you know, it's just so much like psychic debris around it and so much exhaustion around it that I don't, it would feel lonely a bit because you'd almost feel like, do people see me for me? Like, where can I feel respite from this? Yeah. I know this is a psychotic thing to say, but it's true. No, I think it's really true. It's like you said, it's a whole other entity in the room. Yeah. And it's like, it's like showing up everywhere in your life wearing a costume, but it's not a Halloween party.

46:00Nobody else is in costume, but you are not because you put one on, but just because of how people see you. They're like evaluating your costume and looking at your costume and thinking about your costume and envying your costume and wishing they could have that costume. And I don't know, just in general, really making you an object. Yeah. So that you are no longer a person, but you're an object of people's projections and fantasies. I was in, I was away with my, my boyfriend recently, and he's insanely gorgeous. He's so attractive. And we were walking in the city and, you know, he's kind of like clocking and he's aware of people looking at him or us or whatever.

46:43and he was like oh did you see these people like I'm like I hope you know that I literally my whole every part of my antenna is off I do not look at clock I cannot be making eye contact I cannot be clocking I cannot be looking at anyone else because I don't want to be a part of whatever psychic conversation they're having about me potentially whether it's she's ugly she sucks cool outfit, pretty, not like, I literally have learned that I'm just like, I'm so like, just attuned to the person that I'm with. And that's the only energy that I can be with, because it's exhausting. I remember when I was younger, just being like, you know, just like walking around looking at everyone looking at me and whatever they thought was like such so important to me.

47:30And it's felt so much better and more peaceful to just be like, dude, I just, I can't even wonder what people are thinking about me. Yeah. Like it's so exhausting. I also think too, the experience of being an attractive man is very interesting because

47:47women, I don't actually, I'd say for both, it's interesting because sometimes people hate you for it. Sometimes people love you for it. Sometimes people want to be around you for it. Sometimes they don't want to be around you for it. Sometimes they want it. Sometimes, you know, it's like, it's, it's so many reactions that you can't even really predict at all. Um, but what I've seen is just so much like almost like objectification in the other way. And then also a little bit of like, he's no longer in this, but like almost like an addiction that he's had to get out of, of like, oh, everywhere I go, everyone looks at me everywhere I go.

48:22People talk to me everywhere I go, you know, and it's like, it's an addiction that you don't want to let go of. Right. It's very reinforcing. Very reinforcing. Yeah. Yeah. To be in that process. So when we think about social media and sort of where culture and society is going, you know, for the women in our audience, like, what would you say to them? Like, what would you want them to remember? Here's where I am with it, because I am also a woman and living in this world. I am really trying to see myself for the whole of who I am, that I think for most of my life, I would look in the mirror and I would see about 10 % of who I am, which is the outer shell and what I look like.

49:09And then my self-concept would be based on that, either positive or negative. and now for me looking in the mirror is really about trying to see much much more of who I am so I'm not focusing on my appearance I might be focusing on whether my shirt is straight or tucked in or whatever but I'm trying really hard to have that not be the time that I start evaluating myself but really looking at the whole of who I am what I contribute to this world and all of my different roles because you are so much more than what you look like. And it's so insulting to your spirit and to your soul to denigrate yourself to being considered for that much of what actually makes you, you.

50:01And so it's just about a more intentional focus on all the things that make me, me. and it's not that I don't ever have insecurities about my appearance anymore or that it isn't important to me but I'm done making it the most important thing.

50:24How would someone know that it is the most important thing to them? Like if someone's listening they're like I don't even really know where it is on my values. Mm-hmm. How you know whether you value something is how much time you spend on it, how much money you spend on it, and how much emotion or effort you spend on it. So it's about what you think about, it's about what you feel about, and it's where you invest. Okay? So think about your money, your feelings, and your time. Where do you spend those? If you're spending those on your appearance, which many of us do, then you are treating it like it's a high value in your life.

51:15You know, if you look at your budget, and you've got X percentage of dollars that you are allocating to what you look like, that indicates that that's a value for you. Even if you wouldn't put it down on a piece of paper, you are behaving like you highly value it because you're putting your time there, your emotions there, and your money there. So I think you do an inventory. How much do I think about this? How much do I feel about this? How much do I spend on this? And how much time am I spending with my appearance every day? In your practice and in your work, working with men, do you perceive that men, like what is like, is it because women in historic historically have been valued for their looks?

52:04And then we've kind of, we're running with that. And then it's being exacerbated with social media. Do you perceive men to think about it? What's been your experience? Not nearly to the degree that women do, because they aren't valued for their appearance nearly as much as women are. I think men are more focused. The way they get power is more through money and through social status, which isn't to say that men don't get insecure about their appearance. They absolutely do. But in my experience, it's not running the show for men the way it really is for women, especially with social media. Social media takes a person and takes a picture of them or a video of them, which turns them into an object.

52:55You are no longer your person. You are an object on a screen for consumption. And And that is a very transformative role that social media plays in our lives, because it takes us from being people and turns us into objects. Like commodities. I have my, you know, I'm not perfect, but I have my, I think what helped me the most, because I was even more focused on looks before was finding purpose, where I was like, oh, like, it's not like it was and I see younger women like this, like in the early 20s. And it's like the early 20 obsession with looks is so great. Because for a lot of them, it's like they don't know what their purpose is in life.

53:41They haven't discovered of them outside of just, you know, having my to do list was like, go tanning, shave my legs, go work out was all looks, you know, it was like all looks based. And now it's so much more about purpose. And I think that's been like the saving grace to having better relationship with it, because that helps me know that there's value beyond what I look like. There's value to my soul and to like the feeling of my soul. And also with beauty, it's, it is interesting. I'm, and I don't know if you've had this experience or not, but you know, there is a texture and a experience that you can have with someone's energy and being that just supersedes whatever they look like.

54:20Absolutely. You know, that's why with some people, the longer you know them and the better you get to know them, quite literally, the more attractive they become. Like, it's funny. I see it when I like watch reality TV shows. In the beginning, you can see someone is maybe not so attractive, but as the show goes on and you develop a relationship with them, like a parasocial relationship with them, they're more attractive to you. Wow. And it's just like, it's scientifically, it's evidence-based. It happens. So the truth of the matter is, is that the things that connect us as human beings, that's the real glue.

54:56And it changes how we see each other. That's why couples who have been together for 50 years still find each other attractive. Because, you know, if you were just walking down the street, you might not find a 75 or 80 year old man attractive. But if you were married to him for 50 years, we still want to be attracted to our partners. So how does that happen? How do we stay attracted when we lose what society calls attractive, you know? Well, it's because we're so glued to someone that we're seeing them for who they really are. So they stay attractive to us. Wow.

55:43I read something recently that completely reframed how I think about aging, and it has nothing to do with wrinkles or energy levels on the surface. Scientists just identified the first nutritional deficiency in 75 years. It's called cellular fragility syndrome. It's caused by low levels of an essential fatty acid called C15. And it turns out that this one nutrient plays a huge role in keeping ourselves strong and resilient. When C15 levels drop, our cells become fragile. They produce less energy, break down faster, and that can quietly show up as poor sleep, fatigue, and feeling like your body just isn't bouncing back the way it used to.

56:21That's why I've been paying attention to Fatty15. It's a science-backed vegan supplement made with pure C15, and studies show it has broader cellular benefits than omega-3s. It supports long-term metabolic, liver, and heart health by actually helping repair and protect your cells. I've been taking it for about, I would say, almost a year now. And it's been incredible. I've noticed not only a difference in my skin health, I am getting older and I just feel like I am slowing the process just a little bit. I've noticed a big difference in my energy and just my bounce back rate. It's been great. Fatty 15 is on a mission to replenish your C15 levels and restore your long-term health.

57:03You can get 15 % off their 90-day starter kit at fatty15.com slash almost 30 and use the code almost 30 at checkout. Again, that's fatty15.com slash almost 30. The code is almost 30 and you'll get 15 % off their 90-day starter kit. Lately, I've been craving more simplicity, not just in my life, but in my nutrition too. It's really easy to feel disconnected when your cabinet is full of random powders and supplements and you're constantly questioning the labels, but that's why I really love cachava. It helps me simplify and feel more nourished without overthinking it. It's an all-in-one plant-based nutrition shake made with really high quality ingredients.

57:47There's no fillers, no artificial flavors or sweeteners, and it actually tastes amazing. Just two scoops will give you 25 grams of protein, fiber, greens, adaptogens, and nutrients that support energy, digestion, strength, and focus. 25 grams of protein is no joke. So I usually blend mine with like a frozen banana and I'll add like a nut milk. I'll, you know, just add kind of my go-to favorite, like different fruits and stuff, but I can keep it simple and it still tastes amazing. Like the other day I mixed the mint chocolate flavor shake with a nut milk and ice and I just shook it up and it was chef's kiss.

58:25It's just rich. It tastes so good. It doesn't taste fake like other powders. They've done it right. So rewild your nutrition at cachava.com and use code almost 30. New customers get$20 off an order of two bags or more now through the 31st. That's cachava, K-A-C-H-A-V-A.com. The code is almost 30.

58:51Yeah, because this is, it's interesting you bring that up too. So I've been having this experience where I'm like, I haven't, a lot of times in life, I'm able to speak about what I speak about and believe what I believe because I've been through the experience. So it's like embodied belief. Yeah. And I'm grateful for that. But also I'm at the point where I kind of need to believe things that are not my embodied wisdom yet. Example, believing that I could be in a relationship for 50 years that was deeper than at the beginning. And I'm having a hard time with it. So this is personal. Yeah. But how would you, how would you help someone understand to believe that, that you could love someone more with time?

59:41Well,

59:45first of all, I know that you know about TBM, right? My girl. Yeah. Yeah. I think look for the expanders in your life who are showing you that a relationship where people are more in love than when they first got married is possible. I have that in my life. I never thought I would have that. I always had the belief system that it burns hot and heavy in the beginning, and then it fades off over time. And how on earth do you stay in love and continue to be attracted to and want to have sex with the same person for decades? That's what I always thought. And what I have learned is that going through difficult experiences in life and seeing my husband show up for me and me show up for him in ways that we never could have predicted, in things that we were called to that we never wanted, we never would have chosen, but here we are and we have to deal with this.

1:00:44That experience makes me love him so much more for how he's shown up for me, for how I've shown up for him, for the muddy waters that we have trudged through together, for the hard things that we've done together, parenthood, everything that's hard that comes along with that. Like for me, going through complicated, hard things together makes me love him so much more because I start seeing all these different colors and iterations of him that are so beautiful to me. Watching him age makes me love him so much more because I see when I got together with him, he was 22. He's 40 now. And I have seen him grow into such a different person than he was.

1:01:39And that's so beautiful. I love to watch that. I love to see him fail and then have to get up again and keep going. And it makes me love him more. He goes through hard things that he keeps overcoming for our family and shows up. First, he showed up for me as a husband and he changed my relationship with my own attachment style. Then he showed up as a father and I see what he does for our kids. He just continues to blow my mind with how he goes through hard things and continues to show up for himself and others. like that's what makes me love him more and more and more. And is that the same experience for men where they love women more when they do that too?

1:02:23I think he would say the same thing about me. I, you know, I read like birthday cards that he's written to me and he's like, you know, I love you because you did this. Like I see how strong you are because you went through this. We went through infertility to have an IVF treatments to have our second child. It was so hard. It was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. And he's like, what I saw you persevere through for our family to get to where we are now, he's like, it makes me love you so much more. Because just life keeps calling us to do harder and harder things. I always thought that life would get easier as I got older, because I would have more agency.

1:03:08I would have more control. You know, in childhood, it was like, I didn't have any control. I was in the whirlpool and I was just going to be taken wherever the water took me. And so I thought, I want to grow up so that I can have control and I can have agency and I can control my destiny and that will be easier. And I do have more control. I do have more agency, but life is not easier because the tests that keep coming our way get harder and harder and you level up and you level up. and it demands more of us. So I think when you're in a relationship with the right person, you level up together and you look at the landscape of where you came from and you're like, damn, I love you so much more because we did all that.

1:03:54Tell me about the healing of attachment styles because I feel like I've been able to heal parts of my attachment prompted by relationship pain, but then I healed it on my own. Does that make sense? So how did you do it in relationship? Mm-hmm. First of all, I just give all respect to you for doing that on your own. Yeah. Because it's a relational problem that is very hard to solve yourself. Yeah. You know? Oh, interesting. I feel like maybe there's a part of me that's a little bit, so it's like, I was an anxious that comes up, but then it's, maybe it's, there's the avoidant part that's like, we can do this on our own a little bit.

1:04:31That's like, you know, coming back home to myself, doing a lot of parts work is what I practice, but continue. Yeah. I think I really made my husband's life hell in the beginning of our relationship because I came in with a mindset that people you love leave you. Yeah. And that this is going to end in heartbreak. And I tested him at every turn. I realize now that I was just putting him through the ringer to see if he was going to really stick around. And I'm so grateful that he was self-aware enough and saw me clearly enough to know that that was happening and was willing to stick with me through it.

1:05:16Like he, I remember he said to me early on in our dating, it was like, you know, one of the many times that I tried to break up with him. And he said, one thing about me, Molly, that I want to tell you is that I will go down with a sinking ship for you. And in this particular relationship with my particular attachment style, which was so anxious, I needed to know that he wasn't going to leave me. And he demonstrated it over and over and over again until finally something clicked for me that I was like, I keep pushing away this person who is telling me they're not going to leave. and it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

1:06:02If I keep pushing him away, I will get the familiar answer that I've been looking for, which is that he's going to leave me, right? But he stuck around long enough for me to realize that that was happening and that he still hadn't left. And something switched in me that I just, I no longer feel afraid of him leaving me. I don't worry that he's going to cheat on me. I don't worry that he's going to leave me. I just don't anymore. And in previous relationships, I always felt that way. I always felt insecure. Yeah, this is very relevant for me. I feel like I, um, I think I do the dance of avoidant anxious.

1:06:53So I'm avoidant until I'm not. And then that part comes through that like is like, there's like a moment that happens that gets triggered where it's like, I can like, she, that little girl is out where she's like, Oh no, I'm in this, you know? And I felt it very much in connection. Like even recently I was like, I am fucking in it and attached and it's brought joy and amazingness in person. And then so much anxiety when I'm not in person. And it's like.

1:07:44It's making me emotional because it's been exhausting a little bit.

1:07:51because I haven't felt like this so long, like where I cared and where I was like in love and just like, but then it's like the flip comes this and it's just like, it just feels exhausting. And it's like, I'll be like walking and my, my thoughts will be like, okay, when I break up with him, I'm going to say this and then he's going to do this. And then I'll dump him this way. And I'm just like planning my escape for preparing yourself, preparing. Like keep planning my escape, preparing myself. Like I just don't want to do that. It's like, yeah, it's just exhausting. What I hear you say is that when we're together, I feel safe.

1:08:33Yes. That's really important. And that's a lot of progress. Stay with that. Don't forget that you have that. Yeah. But when there's separation, that's when I feel unsafe. Yes. Right. So that seems very normal to me. Yeah. When, when a variable, a scary variable gets injected, that's when your brain has the space to say, oh my God, what if, and the worry machine begins. That separation opens a portal for you to spiral. Yes. Okay. So one, I think, you have a lot of good here because you're able to find safety when you're with him. And then it becomes about how do you take care of yourself when there's separation and remind yourself that that separation is strictly physical.

1:09:27It's just physical space. The connection that you have is the same, but your brain tricks you into thinking that physical space means real distance. It's true. Right? Yeah. And this makes complete sense to me. You're in the middle of doing the work. I always, like, I think that love and fear are so closely related. Like, you cannot have love without fear. Because anybody who has a beating human heart, when they have something that they love is afraid to lose it. You cannot escape fear when you're in love, whether it's the love for your family, your children, your partner. Fear becomes something you have to let into your life.

1:10:21And the way I cope is through introducing a third variable, because it's not just love and fear in your life. When you introduce a third party into the room, that's how you can survive. And the third party is courage. The third party is courage. Because love is such a vulnerable experience, you can only tolerate it if you have courage. And in those moments when you're without him and the worry machine begins, you know, I would say to myself, if courage were in the room with me, what would it tell me? Or if I knew that this was just physical distance and all the practices I have about my soul's work tell me that our souls are still together.

1:11:20if I knew that this was just physical distance, what would I do with myself?

1:11:27If courage were in the room and this were just physical distance, not real distance, what would I do? There's a children's book called The Invisible String that I read to my son when he has some separation anxiety. And it talks about how it's great to read to your kids when they're like going off to school or they're going to go to a sleepover for the first time. And it talks about how between people who love each other, there's an invisible string between you and me that connects us, that goes as far as outer space. It even connects us when somebody dies. There's still an invisible string. And all the invisible string is, is a really clever way of talking about a secure attachment.

1:12:13And so I encourage my, I tell my son when he leaves for school in the morning, don't forget the invisible string, you know? And you, you have that with your partner, the invisible string, but you forget, remind yourself, bring courage into the room. Yeah. It's, it's such an, it's been such an interesting experience because it's like, I think what also has been heartbreaking is like when you're younger, you just fall in love without abandon, with like reckless abandon, you know? And I'm like, what a bummer that I'm not going to have that experience of like falling in love in that way where it's like before like my first love it was just like free falling you're like oh this is it you know and then at a point you've been in relationships you've had your heart broken you've kind of seen what happens yeah and then so you approach it so much more guarded yeah and And just so the fear is an equal to the love.

1:13:20Yes. Where before it's the love is like 50 times. Yeah. There's no fear. Yeah. And that just, it bums me out. It does. Yeah. I'm like, what a bummer about the human experience. And I'm grateful to have loved people and had the experience of love. But I'm like, damn, I'm like, never going to have that. But usually with my, you know, usually when I'm going through something, I can kind of find the part and work with the part. You know, I can be like, okay, cool. Like, I got it. I see the part. But this one has just been like so loud. I'm just like, I find her. And then I think I get scared of her, of her voice of like, okay, we're going to leave and we're going to do this.

1:14:08And when he does this, we're going to do this. And because I think I don't fully trust, I trust him in the connection. It's, he's been insanely incredible, but I don't, I still am like, I don't, yeah, I don't fully trust, I guess. Yeah. Do you not fully trust yourself that you would be okay if you lost him? That's what I think it is. That's what I think it is. Yeah. I think it's that. I think I was married and non-divorced. We were together 10 years. Yeah. And I think there's also that where you're like, and there's nothing there as far as romantic interest or anything. But you know, when you have the perception that this is it and then it's not, you're like, is this it?

1:15:04You know what I mean? Yes. Your whole perspective is like, oh my God, like what world am I living in? Yeah. And I know a little bit about your story because I'm a big fan of you. Oh, I love you. And you know, what occurs to me is that in that relationship, you had to leave to save yourself. Yeah. So that blueprint is there. Yeah. I have to leave to save myself. Oh, that's such a good one. That's such a good one. And it was true for that relationship. Yeah. So now you have this blueprint and now you live in a different house, metaphorically and physically. Literally. And you're like, I'm going to take this blueprint for my old house and put it on my new house.

1:15:48Uh-oh, I can't build a door right there. It doesn't fit. Because the blueprint for that relationship, which fit and was true for that relationship, you're now taking to this new one as if it's the right blueprint. You're like, oh, I have to leave to save myself. For that relationship, yes. For this relationship, maybe not.

1:16:14Revolve is honestly my go-to for everything. I'm wearing all Revolve today. We can go through it in a minute. Everyday outfits, date nights, weddings, even those I want to feel more put together days, I go to Revolve. Now that 2026 is officially here, I've been doing a little wardrobe reset and Revolve makes it super easy. I love their curated edits and the recommended for you section. It actually helps me find pieces that fit my vibe without endless scrolling. I don't like to be on there forever. And I've been loving brands like Lovers and Friends, A. Goldie, and Amanda Uprichard lately. And everything just feels like very high quality and effortless.

1:16:52I'm obsessed. So between inclusive sizing, new arrivals daily, and fast two-day shipping, it's the best with easy returns. It's truly a no-brainer. Whether it's a weekend away, a big night out, or just a much needed wardrobe refresh, your dream wardrobe is just one click away. I hope you're watching on YouTube. You will see my full Revolve look. The theme is brown. We have an incredible sweater, these swishy pants, and some Nike. Are these, these are dunks? They're cool, right? They're brown. I love them. Head to revolve.com slash A30pod, shop my edit, and take 15 % off your first order with code A30POD.

1:17:34Fast two-day shipping, easy returns, the easiest of all time. It's literally the only place you need to shop from. That's revolve.com slash A30POD to shop our favorites and get 15 % off your first order with code A30POD. Offer available for a limited time, so happy, happy shopping.

1:17:57Lately, I've been paying way more attention to fiber and protein and realizing how hard it can be to hit those without giving up the foods that I actually love, like bagels and toast and tacos and all the bready things. So that's why I started swapping in Hero Bread. Y 'all, Hero Bread has changed my life, Krista's life. I just went to LA and she was all over Hero Bread. She was having the bagels every day with her lunch. She normally has a little soup. She had the bagels. It was amazing. It makes it so easy to upgrade everyday meals. So my avocado toast, the bagel sandwiches, the wraps for lunch without feeling restrictive.

1:18:36The texture surprised me the most, I think. It is soft, fluffy, and tastes like traditional bread. It doesn't taste like something you're like, hmm, this is like a really bad copy of bread. It's so, so good. You'd never guess. It has zero to five grams of net carbs per serving, zero grams of sugar, and is high in fiber. Plus, things like their breakfast bagels have 19 grams of protein. Okay. That's a lot. That's amazing. Hero Bread has sliced bread, tortillas, which are some of my favorites, bagels, even small batch drops like their croissants, which are unreal, and biscuits. So whatever you're craving, there's an option that fits your goals.

1:19:16I'm excited for you to try Hero Bread. If you want to hit your goals this year without giving up your favorite bready dishes, Hero Bread is offering 10 % off your order when you go to hero.co, H-E-R-O dot C-O, and use the code A30POD at checkout. That's A30POD at checkout at hero.co, H-E-R-O dot C-O.

1:19:44Yeah, that's such a good one. because it is like every time when I kind of have the fantasy of like, okay, this is, you know, whatever of the leaving. It is like, I feel empowered and I feel in control. I think also I forgot about losing control. When I've been single, I'm like, I'm flying high because I have full control of my life, of my emotions, of my experience, of my path. And I want to build a life with someone and lose some of that control. But then it's like, like even, um, you know, this weekend we were together and we were, there was like a moment when we first got together where I felt there was like so much.

1:20:24And then there was a moment of dip in the energy and I was still hypervigilant. Oh yeah. It's like, cause I was, I felt the energy dip. He was in the shower, like energy's dipped. And I was like, alarm bells are off. Right. Right. What do we got? I was like, what kind of monkey suit do I got to put on to perform? and make everybody laugh. And I was like, fuck, I didn't believe. I was just so bummed and I'm still.

1:20:55Doing that, you know? Yeah.

1:21:04It's like, I don't, like, I was like, I think it's like, what's sad for me is that I felt like I was when I'm single I didn't have as much mirror to test my learnings and then when you're in relationship it's like you know I'm like oh I'm not doing that I don't attune to anybody I'm not hyper vigilant and then it's like yeah when I'm alone yeah literally literally but it's just my cats right but it's like then when you're with someone that you love, you're like, oh, and I've known this on the mental level. Yeah. But learning it in the heart space is so different. And then I was just like, that was with my ex being so hypervigilant.

1:21:48And I'm like, and then there's that part that comes back. She's like, well, I don't want to do this. I don't want to be in the hypervigilant. I don't want to be changing my mood for someone else. Like, I'm just in shock at like how much has come up for me. Yeah. Of fear. Well, that shows me that it's a really important relationship because it's bringing up the mirror. Does he know, does he know this part of you? Yeah. So you can have this conversation with him. He's a bust. Yeah. And he can soothe you. And that's so important. That's so important. We have this idea that we should be able to do it all ourselves.

1:22:26And you've done work yourself. But I mean, I'm a couples therapist. This is what I really believe. The power that we have to heal each other through connection and relationship is, it's extraordinary. For him to be able to come in and soothe you and say, I've got you. You don't have to perform. We'll have ups and downs in energy. Yeah. There was a dip in energy. Doesn't change how much I love you. Just a dip in energy. We're going to feel close sometimes and further apart sometimes. And that's totally normal. It's like ocean waves. It doesn't change the ocean. That's what I would want him to be able to give you in those moments where you could come to him and be like, I'm doing that thing again.

1:23:14Yes. I've already done that this week. Good. Good. He just fucking, he's like, it's like a wall. He's like, I'm not going anywhere. It's just like, it's like the steadiness. It's just literally like a wall. And it's just like so nice. And so, and he doesn't even like clock it. Like, you know it's like what can I do to be more helpful yeah you know I'll do this then like is like so and it's just I think at this I think where I'm mindful and I think I'm curious your thoughts is I want to be able to use our container for that what do you think about there's a part of me that's like I don't want to become addicted to his soothing uh-huh uh-huh I want to also be able to self-soothe.

1:24:07So what's that balance? Yeah, I love that. It's super easy. You just do both. Yeah. Sometimes he's going to be available to give it to you. And that's wonderful. Take it every time. But he's not always going to be available. Yeah. He might be out of reach by phone. He might be traveling. He might just not have the bandwidth. He might be in a bad mood, right? He might be dysregulated himself. There will be plenty of times in this relationship, which is going to be long and beautiful, that he's not going to be available to give you what you need. So life itself will present you with the balance, Krista.

1:24:46When he can, take it. That's what he's there for, in part. And you're also going to do this in ways for him so much that might not be obvious yet. And there's going to be lots of times where he can't. And you need to control and take care of, not control, You need to regulate your own nervous system with the things that you do that make you feel better. And there's, to me, there's two categories of those things, self-soothing and self-care. Now, self-soothing, I think, are the things that are easy to do, like get a massage, you know, get a facial, get your nails done, like things that where we get other people to take care of us, we usually pay money for them.

1:25:31I call that self-soothing, and that's wonderful if you have the resources for that. Self-care, I feel like, are the things that are hard to do that we don't want to do that actually take effort, and that is how we truly care for ourselves. Exercising, meditating, journaling, going to therapy, the things that require real effort that we wake up in the morning and we think, I don't feel like X, Y, Z. That is actual self-care. When we think about caring for other people, babies, elderly people, we don't think of care as easy. We think of it as a job. And believe me, it is to take care of someone as a job.

1:26:18You don't wake up in the morning excited about, I can't wait to take care of. And that's how I think about self-care. It's the things that are hard to do that require effort that actually care for us. Self-soothing are the things that are easy to do and that also feel good. And we need to do both.

1:26:40I think in my experience too, and I think this will also be relevant for a question for the audience. It's like, I would go for avoidant or unavailable men. And so then it would be like validated that I would be, it would be like it would be like I would do the dance and then as soon as I would show them I would it's so weird it's almost like when my little girl comes out and she's like all right I like them I'm gonna attach then they'd go away yeah would you say on a whole that there's more avoidant men and more anxious women and why do you think that is I yes I would say that that is true

1:27:24I can't speak to the whole of it, but the piece I can speak to is that there's a way in our culture that women get safety through men. The way in a patriarch, the way things are set up is you achieve safety by being with a man. and it's very, very real. Men do keep us safe in so many ways. How many times have you asked a man to walk you to your car at night because you needed to feel safe? What keeps us safe? A man, right? Now, there's also this other thing that I sometimes talk about, which is that, but who are they keeping us safe from? Oh, that's very interesting. Men are not keeping me safe from other women.

1:28:16I can tell you that. I'm not afraid of other women. I'm afraid of men. So again, there's this catch-22 in a way that we are set up to kind of always lose as women, that we need men for safety. And yet men are the people we need to be kept safe from. If that is not the definition of an anxious attachment style, I don't know what is. I need you, but I'm afraid of you. I need you to keep me safe, but I'm afraid of what happens when you leave. And what a responsibility it must be for men to have this role of constantly having to keep someone safe. My God, that's how I feel about my kids. I've got to keep them safe.

1:29:08And Let me tell you, it's a freaking burden. I'm like up awake at night worrying about my kids' safety. It's a burden. And so how must it be for men that they have to live their lives keeping their women safe from other men? I might be avoidant too if that burden were on me all the time, if someone were always looking for me to keep them safe. I might want a little distance myself. so gosh it's truly like that's just my own personal opinion I've never read that anywhere I don't know that there's any signs to support that but that's what makes sense to me wow

1:29:51I think about for

1:29:56men I don't I'm just going to explain what I what I perceive and maybe it will connect or make sense. I feel like for a lot of the generation of the men that exist now, and even the generation above, the women were not being emotionally supported by their husbands and sort of put the burden onto the sons. And I feel like a lot of sons have like mothers that are over-functioning, over-burdening, you know, smothering, like devouring mother archetype. Preach. And so I feel like a lot of them, because they had devouring mother, smothering mother, and then women had, you know, I would be like, oh my God, my dad is amazing.

1:30:31He's very sick. He's an amazing man. But also, you know, in, in my sort of healing of my mother wound and now looking at my father wound, I'm looking at it more clearly where I'm like, oh, my dad's amazing, but he was never around. I'm like, love you. But like, you were never around and like, but I have you pedestaled as that. So you're amazing. Yeah. You find him amazing. Exactly. So. The amazing person that you couldn't access. Exactly. So then I'm like avoidance. Amazing man I can't access, not always there. So, and I think a lot of women had that where we were, the fathers weren't really around.

1:31:04They were around for a good time to have fun on Sundays for baseball, whatever. But they weren't really truly around and truly emotionally present. And if they were around, they were often enraged. Yes. My dad was docile. Rage converted into depression and sort of that. So I've been thinking about that where I'm like, oh, I want that connection because that's sort of how I saw connection with men in that way. So do you feel like that could be true of what's happening? Totally. I think that's so smart and I wouldn't have thought of it that way. And that makes a lot of sense to me in how you describe your relationship.

1:31:39You have this amazing man, but there's this template that he's not going to be available. Wow. This amazing man, but you're not going to get to access him. of course you're afraid of that that's been your experience your foundational experience that there will be something and someone amazing that you don't get to have I'm trying to think of and I don't know if you remember this in your relationship as a memory you know I'm trying to think of even in my marriage I had anxious at the beginning and then secure and then avoid and at the end but there was the secure period and I'm trying to think of when that turned to secure, like when my anxious turned to secure, because I'm trying to, obviously I'm trying to control.

1:32:25I'm like, what's the moment, you know what I mean? That when I can get secure, do you remember in your relationship where you became secure? What happened? I called off my wedding. With him? Mm-hmm. Okay. Invitations had gone out. We were six, seven weeks from the wedding and I called off my own wedding. And I broke up with him and moved from Texas to Chicago to do my residency. So instead of us, me graduating from my PhD program, us moving from Texas together to go do my residency at Northwestern, I called off our wedding and went by myself. and I just knew that in the relationship, I wasn't going to feel on my wedding day like it was the happiest day of my life.

1:33:23I knew that there were issues that had not been contended with and I knew that getting married without dealing with them was going to end in disaster. And I actually called off our wedding because I wanted to, I wanted to avoid getting a divorce from him because I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. Now, I know that sounds crazy, but I couldn't marry him under the current circumstances because I wasn't happy. There were things I was dissatisfied about and I knew where it would end. And I wanted to give us the chance that we could really have the relationship that I was really, really looking for.

1:34:03And it required both of us to make some significant changes if it was going to ever come to be. So I called it off and I said to myself, if it is meant to be, it will find me. And I jumped into the abyss and I was terrified. I had no idea what was going to happen. And over the next year and a half, he and I both did the things that I knew needed to happen to determine whether we could be healthy in a relationship together. And it was individual work and it had to be individual work. It just couldn't have happened in the context of the relationship. We were too reliant on each other, too dependent on each other.

1:34:44He was so young when we got together. I mean, I'm seven years older than him. So he was 22. I was 29 when we met. He had some things he just had to grow up around, you know, and so did I, frankly, even though he was a lot older. Prefrontal cortex development. Yes, exactly. Exactly. And we always stayed in touch and we always still loved each other. And when we started visiting each other to just explore what is still there, it started clicking into place for me. And I no longer had all these fears about what's going to happen if he leaves me. It was just so evident to me that our commitment to each other was still strong, even though we weren't together.

1:35:33I had called off our wedding, and yet we both still wanted to spend our lives with one another. And I was like, wow, if I can completely end this relationship, move across the country without him, change the dynamic completely. And we are still both feeling like we want to spend the rest of our lives with each other. And we're doing what it takes to put ourself in a healthier place to get there. That's all I need to know. I'm like, ding, ding, ding. And we, by this time I was doing my postdoc in California and he came to visit me. We went to Palm Springs together and I proposed to him because I thought he already proposed to me.

1:36:17I'm the one that called off our wedding. And I'm like, I'm going to propose to him because he deserves that. You know, he deserves to feel truly, truly chosen and try to repair this wound that happened when I called it off. And I proposed to him and I've never been so sure of anything in my life. And I would never encourage someone to get married if you're feeling ambivalent. Postpone it, call it off, jump into the abyss. You might still end up with that person, but do it in a way that you feel really convicted about. Marrying my husband was the best decision of my life, hands down. And it took me a long time to get there.

1:37:01It was not this linear road. It had major fractures along the way, and it doesn't mean it was the wrong decision. I think if anything, I went through what I needed to get to, to ensure that it was the right thing. I think about that, go through hell to get to heaven a lot. And I think about that because I done that in my, my actually another pattern of my relationships. And it's making me emotional because it's true. It's like, is the go through hell to get to heaven. The man always cheats at the beginning. And then, you know, there's a big issue or like, I think in every relationship I've had, there's been some sort of infidelity at the beginning.

1:37:41And then that sort of textures the relationship where I have the power. They're always like less powerful. I always have a card to play. Oh, you're more powerful because... I got cheated on. Oh, gosh. Yeah. But then, you know, also not at the same time. You know, that's what I was thinking. There's the flip side of that coin too, right? I make it make... Yeah, there's... I'm not, but then I'll make it that because then they're working the whole time and no matter what... To get you back. Yeah. no matter what the fight is. And it's almost like my anxious attachment is exhibited through that. And then it's soothed more because I can pull the card a lot.

1:38:20Yeah. I know this is crazy. No, this is, first of all, this is not crazy. This is fascinating and beautiful that you would share this and that you know this about yourself because it's such a, it kind of reminds me of how we find power in beauty, but it's so feeble. Yeah. It's like a feeble power. Yeah, totally. You know, it's rooted in your pain. Yeah, totally. And it's rooted in me feeling like I'm better than them or something. You know what I mean? It's like, there's a power over like, because it's not kind in the way that it was. But so that's been... Do you want to ultimately feel better than your partner?

1:39:01Feel better than them? Yes. You do. Yeah. I'm saying that not proud, everybody, by the way. But it's like, yeah, there's a part of me that wants to feel power over everyone. I love this. Yes. My God. Every room I go into, I'm like, I'm more powerful than all you fuckers. Yes. Power is very important to you. Of course. You want to feel better than because it makes you feel powerful. Yes. It makes me feel like I'm like a worthy. Worthy. Or like I'm something. Right. Special. Yes. which of course tells you that if you need to feel that way, then you don't inherently feel that way. Yeah, that's true.

1:39:40Right. If anything that we need to feel, like I need to feel that way, shows us that we don't feel that way. I have to feel better than you because I don't feel equal to you. Like I'm, I have to feel like the best in the room. Yeah, that's true. Because I worry that I'm not. Yeah, that's true. I worry that I'm average or normal or whatever. And I think that texturing of the pattern, I think the template of the beginning of relationships, I'm also working to break too, because I'm like, I also don't want that to be the template where I'm used to going through hell to get to heaven. And I think a lot of people have that.

1:40:22I've seen that with my clients or other people where they have this perception that there has to be issues and trauma and strife to get to the place where they make the commitment. How could people not have that experience of having all the stuff happen to you to get the commitment? Totally. Here's the thing. I am convinced that every relationship goes through hell. If you stay in a relationship long enough, there will be something that you go through that is hell. For me and my relationship, it happened to happen before we got married. And maybe the average person would have said, let's just get married and we'll sort it out once we're married.

1:41:05Maybe the average person would have done that. Probably, you know. I just wasn't willing to do that because I knew on that day I wanted to feel so rooted. I didn't want to be walking down the aisle with the sense that something was off or that there was ambivalence or I was waiting for something to change, you know. and I just think that if you're going to be in a lifelong relationship with someone, you're gonna, it's not about if you go through hell, it's about when you go through hell and some people go through that hell once they've been together for 20 years, some people go through that hell once they've been together for one year, you know.

1:41:44Now I do think that if you have a long history of good connected time together, it makes it easier to go through the hard times because you've got all this foundation underneath you, you know? But also maybe there's a way in which it makes it harder because you're like, I gave you 20 years of my life and you're going to act this way. I just think what sucks about relationships is that 50 % of whatever happens is completely out of our control. You know, a minimum of 50 % is completely out of our control. And all we can do is show up as we are and make decisions about what's right and best for us.

1:42:32So for me, I went through that hell with him. And for me, it brought me to a place where I had super clarity and knew what I wanted and that I was ready for it. but it could have easily gone the other way where I could have said, you know what? If I'm going to feel this ambivalent and this conflicted, there's something else out there for me. So I don't think there's one right way. I know that before him, I was in relationships where I went through hell and I'm so glad I'm not in that relationship. I'm so glad that I didn't marry that person. I'm so glad that person didn't marry me because that's how it actually went, that I wanted to marry him and he was like super ambivalent and had a commitment issue.

1:43:18And it's like, God, I wanted nothing more than to marry that man. And I, for the life of me, I could not understand why he wouldn't choose me. And I'm so fucking grateful that he didn't. Wow. Yeah, the hindsight, you know. Yeah. Because there's so many women that, and so many of us that are like, yep, you know, knew that thing. It's so wild. Like I was thinking about that for my wedding and my marriage. I'm like, on the wedding day, I didn't know how to feel. And I didn't know, I thought we were in a phase, in a moment of our relationship. What kind of phase? Like a hard phase? Yeah, I thought we were in a hard phase.

1:44:00You know, we've been together 10 years. So it was like. When you got married, you'd already been together 10 years? Okay. So maybe, I think not eight, eight and a half or nine at that point. So because we're only married a short time. Okay. I just was like, oh, I think we're just in it. and I think it'll get better. So I think I thought it would get better. Yeah. But now I'm like, oh, I would never want to feel that way. Yeah. You know, aside with love and reverence, he wouldn't either. But it's like, I would never want to feel so disconnected. I felt so, like it was about everyone else but us.

1:44:27Yeah. And about like the experience and everything like that. But it's so interesting because when you're in it, you don't know what you don't know. That's right. That's right. You know, like, that's what's hard about relationships is you're like, you don't know what you don't know. That's what's hard about life. I know. It's so true. And I'm like, that's why your book is so important. Because I know like people are going to read that from an author who has a vantage point that they don't, you know, and there's no substitute for learning something yourself, but there's also no substitute for having mentors around that are willing to be vulnerable and sharing their own mistakes and failures, you know.

1:45:08For a woman that's single now, just for like some closing thoughts, what would you kind of offer for her if she's looking to find someone and she's feeling a little discouraged? Yeah. Oh my gosh. I see so many beautiful, amazing women in my practice who are gorgeous, successful, wealthy, filled with self-confidence and self-love and earned every bit of it and they have a difficult time finding a partner. You know, one thing that I want to say is you have to get okay with the pool of people who can meet you where you're at getting smaller. Okay. Cause the more you rise above, the more you take care of yourself and the more embodied you are, the smaller the pool of people will be who can meet you in that.

1:46:03so there's nothing wrong with you. I want to start there. Tell these women, there's nothing wrong with you. It's that you are extraordinary and the pool is smaller. Okay. But then the second thing I say is, I know that this is like woo-woo and it's a little vague, but it truly is the best that I've gotten. I think it's worth something. You have to become everything that you're looking for in a partner. I agree 100%. I approached all through my 20s, I was looking for people who had things and could bring things to me that I wanted. I want that guy who's really stable and secure. I want that guy with like a really good like family of origin that is like really solid and like all these things I wanted in a partner because I felt a deficit in myself.

1:46:58And the world just does not work that way. God doesn't work that way. The universe does not work that way. You are called here to find and fill for yourself, in yourself, everything that your heart desires. And from that place, you will be in the best position to pick a partner because you will no longer need them. You will be free to just be with them because you want them. You're not looking for them to meet some need, to fill some space, to bring something to your life because you have already done it. It's so freeing to be able to pick someone from a space of just wanting them rather than needing them.

1:47:48And what it does is it lets you slow down the clock because there's not so much urgency. You don't need it so much. You just really want it. You just really want it. Yeah, that's been a trend is seeing that, you know, when we were younger, I was like, there's a man around every corner. I don't know if it's because we're getting more picky and aware of what we want or because there's less available men. What do you feel? Both. Yeah. you are getting more elevated and therefore there are fewer available men that can meet you. That was another thing too about last thing. It's like, you know, being younger and being like, you should be rich.

1:48:27You should be attractive. You should be successful. You should do all these things and being like, yes, that will give me more options. And it does in a way, but it also limits. You know what I mean? Like being better makes you more alone. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what it does is it makes their life more concrete. And so what's your place in it going to be? You know, like, how are you going to carve out your space? You know this, the older we get, the more set our lives become. You know? For sure. I mean, I've been like, hey, let's keep two bedrooms. No, for real. I'm like, there's a first floor that has your name on it, brother.

1:49:03Totally. Yeah. We don't need to share a bathroom. Yeah, literally. I'm like, I love my sleep. I want to do my thing in the morning. Yeah. Like you become so much more set in your ways. Yeah. And so you really have to ask yourself, like, is there space for me in this person's life? Totally. And ask yourself, is there space for someone in my life?

1:49:27What's one quote you're really loving or what's one thing you're really just loving right now as a resource or support? Okay. I'm so glad you asked such a good question. Okay, so there's a story about the Buddha, where the Buddha goes and he sits on a mountaintop and his enemies are there and they start throwing arrows at him. And as he's looking at the arrows coming at him, he notices that they're all turning into flowers. And I never understood what this story meant, but now I do. The story is that when obstacles come your way, you will turn them into your life's greatest gifts. You will take your pain.

1:50:10You will take the arrows that are being thrown at you. And it is your job to turn them into flowers. And I love that right now. This past year has been one of the hardest years of my life. I went through a really serious medical crisis and it has totally transformed who I am when it could have killed me. And I'm just like taking those arrows and turning them into flowers. And the way I'm doing it is getting up really close to them. Instead of like trying to like push it all away. I don't want to think about that trauma. I don't want to do that. I'm like, I'm saddling up right there. Let me remember that experience.

1:50:48Let me journal about that experience. What does this have to teach me? You get up really, really close to those arrows coming at you and trust, and they're going to turn into flowers. That's how I feel about it. Thank you so much. Thank you for such a beautiful conversation. Thank you. I'm so grateful. So grateful for, so grateful to God and for what I do that I can like use this space for myself, you know, thank you guys. And then you're doing it for other people too. Yeah. That's the purpose. I know. I'm very grateful that this is my life. Where can people connect with you and find you? I'm on Instagram at Dr.

1:51:26Molly Burrits. And please follow me there because that's where you're going to get information about. I'm launching my own podcast. You are. Yeah. Happy to help. Whatever you need. Thank you. Whatever you need. And then also you do couples work, right? I do. I see couples and women. I don't see individual men. Oh, I love that. But I work, my practice is in Pasadena and I see people in therapy who are residents of the state of California. Cool. Okay. It's like I have a client, but they're in Texas. That would be good. Okay, guys. Thank you for listening to Almost 30. We love you. We'll see you on the next one.

1:51:59Bye. Thank you so much, Dr. Molly, for coming on the podcast. Would love if you guys shared this episode with a friend. It's so, so nourishing to have connection and community by sharing podcast episodes. And I really appreciate you guys holding space for me and always just listening to me open up about my stuff. And I appreciate my man for being open to me, talking about my life. we love you guys. Thank you so much for listening. Make sure you're subscribed to Almost 30. You can subscribe on YouTube. We are on video every single week, twice a week, baby. And if you would be so kind to write a review, it would mean the world to us.

1:52:37Yeah, that means the world. And then also check out all of our partners that we talk about on our show. We actually use and love the products. Almost 30 podcast on Instagram. Almost 30 podcast on TikTok. You can find me on Instagram at It's Krista. And I'm at Lindsay Simsek. We'll see you on the next one. See you soon. Bye.

1:52:54Thank you.

1:53:21Thank you.