840. Our Relationships Were Suffering—Until We Regulated Our Nervous Systems

28:00And I was doing that all morning. I'm like, oh, he's going to think this is too much. He might think this is rude or whatever. He's, you know, I just was going on. And again, it was old stuff. It was from a previous dynamic. I had an experience that made me think that he wouldn't be able to hold it. And I was like, okay, God, just please allow me to say this and express this because I wanted it to bring us to deeper intimacy that I had this experience. And we were just like walking on the street and he just said, I don't know what he said. And I was like, yeah, I just want to say, it was interesting.

28:27I had this experience where I felt this thing about this thing. And he's like, oh my God, wow. Okay. So what? And then that was this. And it was just like the easiest conversation I've ever had. He's like, oh wow, that's fascinating. Okay. So then you felt this and then this, oh, wow. Okay. And then what triggered, and it was just like, there's no, it's never making it personal in that way. It's like, it's just depersonalization and relationship is so freaking huge. I think what I also realized too, and then I want to talk more about parent nervous system dynamics and like nervous system of the home, but was the importance of timing for the masculine.

29:03And I think this is something I've really learned and I'm playing with because I don't want to be in a situation where I'm censoring or where I'm holding back what I want to say and who I am. But I also really do think that for the masculine, there's something about timing and there's a real importance to timing. For my girlfriends, if I call them morning, noon, and night, and I'm like, yo girl, I need you. I can drop into a deep process almost any hour, anytime, any day. You could tell me the deepest thing that's ever happened to you and I'm available for it and I can meet you in whatever that is.

29:38That's also in my work. Like the way of my work is like up, down, all around, side to side of the depth. And so I never think about with my friends being any way, but how I am in that. But with men, there is a needance of thoughtfulness around their capacity for an emotional experience sometimes. And he's met me anytime I ever needed. I've never felt like in any moment I wasn't, but you know, there was with this scenario about what we processed on a walk, I waited to process it on a walk till I had moved through it a little bit. We were moving. And cause before that morning we had been working out, working out, it's not a good time.

30:26We're doing our thing. He's focused on my workout. We were also at brunch. He was so hungry. And I I was like, is it the best opportunity to bring something up when he's hungry? No, it's not. Not for me either. Not for me either. And also, secondly, we had our laptops in front of us. We're about to eat. We have laptops in front of us. We're in a cafe. There's three things that are not supporting me in getting the result that I want. Yes, 100%. And getting the answer that I want. And also, he's about to work. I'm about to work. This man is focused on work right now. And men can be, they're focused.

31:00They're linear. and that where they're like, I am focusing on work right now. Girls are like, move the laptop. We're like, tell me sis, you know, like what's up. And I just was like, dang, I'm really gonna play with giving myself in this relationship, the best opportunity for him to show up and for me. And that's another aspect of regulating your nervous system where I could regulate on my own so that I could choose to set us up for success. And I'm not saying I need to be perfect all the time. My nervous system needs to be regulated, but when you can regulate, you really give your relationship the best chance to succeed because you can choose when you want that intimacy and when you want to give opportunity to have something come up that creates more depth.

31:40And it usually just sets you up for success. Yes. And it also just prevents the 100 % dumping of it all on them in that moment where like you've had time to kind of move through and process. Doesn't mean it's perfect. Doesn't mean it's all the way, but it's like rather than coming right away, oftentimes I walk away from conversations like that and I'm like, I'm walking away with more insight that I wish I had in the conversation, if that makes sense, which whatever it is, what it is, but it's like giving yourself that time I think is crucial. And also being just attuned to like when, when there's an, a optimal opening with your partner.

32:25And that's not like, you know, you're, that's not like catering to them and all the ways and whatever that's called, being subservient to like, no, I'll do it when they're ready. It's more just like, no, they're a human being. And I'm going to be mindful of like, when I know they feel most open, receptive, present, and that's normal. Yep. Because it's like, it's supportive of them, but it's also supportive of you. Yes. Like, do you want to really be met? And do you want to really be understood and do you want this to be something that has spaciousness around it and has depth so it's interesting because in previous relationships I'd self-censor and hold back because of them and now I'm it's like it's like the same but like it's so different energetically like I would hold back but I wouldn't ever bring it up I'd kind of process it on my own and never bring it up and then it would come out sideways but this it's like noticing something holding it processing and then bringing it up at the right time to provide more intimacy um but I really have been really now deeply seeing how the nervous system so much impacts our life and our personality and our ability to hold emotions and feelings and things and which inherently leads to like our personality yeah i feel like for a long time money felt way more stressful than it needed to be i stress so hard about money especially when it came to banking and all the random fees you don't even realize you're paying i feel like at one day i woke up i was like wait how was i charged 40 like eight times what is happening that's why i've really been into chime it's a smarter fee-free way to bank that actually feels like it's built for real life, not old school banks charging overdraft and monthly fees just for existing.

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38:55I heard something the other day just on this piece of like that kind of coming together. Women need eye contact in those moments. I think there's a safety around that. I think there's a connection piece around that. And men need touch. Wow. So like if you're having a conversation like that, like even just like if you're able to, or, you know, if you like touch his arm or like, you know, like just a touch of connection is like very important in those moments where it feels like we're kind of moving through dysregulation to regulation or whatever it is. But yeah, I think the eye contact piece, even though we like promote going on walks and like kind of having that, I think that's true.

39:42But I, I think what they were talking about was if you feel like you are not getting their full attention, whether it's, there's a phone there, the game's on or like, yeah, they're looking out, you know, what they're kind of avoiding the connection of like, no, this is really, yeah, I definitely think that. Yeah. I think there's something else we were processing sometime when we were at lunch and he just grabs my hand, was holding my hand and I was like this changed the entire conversation. This completely was like, now we're on the same page. We got this. Like, I was just like, the subtext of that is so weighty.

40:18Cause it's like, I'm here. I got you. I'm not going anywhere. So keep going. Yeah. Tell me all the things break down. I'm not scared. Yep. Like I'm leaning in and I'm holding like, it's crazy. Yeah. So good. Um, yeah. I mean, it's funny how we like kind of move through similar themes at the same time in different contexts but I feel like the nervous system has been a big focus of my therapy work lately yeah just internal conversation with myself um where you know as a mom I am fully aware how much of an impact my own nervous system and my ability to regulate has on Mav, has on my marriage, has on just the home temperature in general.

41:14And I feel like, especially over the last, it's just, you know, it's intensified over maybe the last three months. Mav had like a sleep, let's call it regression, and hasn't slept through the night since like beginning of October. And so sleep deprivation, one, is certainly a way to dysregulate your nervous system. It's just, you're tired, you're fried. I just feel like I'm more susceptible to my own like negative thoughts. I am not myself. I'm not able to show up in a way that I'm proud of. But what I was noticing was that especially in the night, sometimes during the day, when I would have like moments of frustration with him.

42:14Say he's up for the third time and I'm holding him. He falls asleep. And then I put him down in his crib and he wakes up again. And it's like three in the morning and I'm, you know, a few hours away from getting up and having to start the day and all the things and just like spinning on that. And I lose it and I don't, you know, physically do anything to Mav. It's just emotionally I'm losing it. Emotionally I'm frustrated. Sometimes I'm crying. Sometimes I'm like speaking out loud my frustrations. My body, my energy is absolutely exuding the dysregulation. And our children are incredibly sensitive to this.

42:57And children, you know, come into this world with an immature immune or immature nervous system. so it's not like it develops from the inside out like some things in their body it's like it is learned and it is developed through co-regulation through relationship so that is your parents or your primary caregivers and so I've just been so like sad in moments because I'm like whoa this is so important and I'm like not doing it and I'm losing the plot on this whole thing. Um, so what I've learned, which is like cyclical, it's cyclical. It's like, I'm sad. I'm not doing it now. I'm anxious because I'm not doing it.

43:44And then I'm part of the cycle of like, I can't get this like thing. Yeah. It's just like a, it feels like a very ugly side of me that I, I was even telling my sister this, like I even saw like in my dad where like he, I would say because of his own dysregulation and inability to regulate his own nervous system from I would say a very young age he wasn't a very patient person and would easily be dysregulated to this day um my mom it's like a switch bro yeah we're chilling then all of a sudden it's like we need the check you're like what the fuck yeah I'm like dude and then that puts everyone kind of on edge.

44:24And I just remember that feeling. And now I'm having these moments with my child. I'm like, how the fuck did that happen when I've done all the work that I've done? So it was kind of a shame spiral for a minute because like, which can get, you know, a little dicey because then that doesn't allow progress because I'm just kind of stuck in the shame cycle. And, but what I realized and learning through research, but also through like just practice is it's not necessarily about the dysregulation, like that moment that you had in this instance with your child. You can look back on it and be like, that wasn't my best.

45:07That was kind of, I would take that back. But it's really about the repair and the coming back too. So what does that look like? And I think that's what I've been focused on because it's going to happen. I'm going to have my moments and we're all, you know, as parents out there, like we're going to have our moments with our children. It's like very normal, but how do we repair with them? And how do we come, like how quickly can we come back? Because the nervous system isn't about just being in rest and digest. Like the nervous system is supposed to have those moments of, you know, uh, stress and fear and fight or flight, like it's okay, but how do we come back?

45:49How quickly to be, do we come back? How resilient are we in that way? Um, so what I've been doing with Mav is if I have those moments, one, I give myself permission to like take a moment to myself, whether it's like safely leave the room, if he's fine, collect myself, um, and then come back and just be like, I'm really sorry. Mommy's sorry. I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to yell at him or like, I, you know, I just got upset or, you know, whatever it was that happened. Um, and even at two to almost two and a half, like he gets it and it's weird. because like I wouldn't expect him he's not like fully fully fully understanding it cognitively I understand you were dysregulated mother but nervous system his response like he'll give me a hug immediately you know and just like there's just um there's a power in it that I didn't expect and so I think the practice of that has like prevented me from diving into the shame spiral of like, I'm bad.

46:59I'm not doing this right. I should know better. I'm a bad mom. Like, you know, Sean is so steady, but he's also not with Mav as much as I am. He's also not up with him all night because Mav just wants me. So it's like a very different experience in like his capacity too. But I think he's steady by nature. But I do think that like, you know if you're not the primary parent at this time if your partner is the one either working or traveling or whatever they do have more capacity in those moments when they're with the kids because it's not every day and it's not all the time um and I think the other thing that's really been helpful is, you know, just co-regulating with Sean because I was kind of like embarrassed by my behavior when my nervous system was totally dysregulated where I would like just, you know, crawl up into myself and be like, well, like almost embarrassed that like I'm that parent right now, you know, and I can't get it together.

48:09And he wasn't making me feel that way, I'm like, I'm just, I'm feeling that about myself and then being like, I'm sure he thinks it's crazy that I'm reacting, whatever. But we had to have a couple conversations just around like, how I got here, you know, what is kind of influencing this dysregulation? and ideally like how can he support me in those moments and it was like honestly some really simple things that to him he's probably like really like that's all but to me it makes a world of difference so it's like checking in with me after a hard night you know just noticing if I feel a little on edge and like bringing me in close and hugging me and saying, how are, like, how are you?

49:09Is anything coming up? Can I be supportive? And most of the time, like there's not a ton for him to do, right? But it's just the simple act of feeling like you're co-regulating with another person. You're kind of sharing the overwhelming experience. It's like you're filtering your experience a little bit through their stable nervous system. And then it kind of comes back to you in a more like, okay, like I can handle this type of, type of way. It was really, really profound. And thankfully he takes feedback very well and very quickly. And I feel like he's already like, you know, checking in in ways that I'm like, yes, this is, you know, we'll get into a rhythm where it feels he's doing it over time, but I'm like, no, this is good.

49:57Like I actually, I do need that. Um, and then I think the third piece that's been really important. And like, if you're a parent listening, I think this will resonate because I think this happens kind of sneakily when you become a parent and you don't think it's going to, and you think you're going to prioritize yourself still and your marriage and, you know, do all the things you learned and like keep your practice. But I just haven't. And it's like easy to lose it. And I think it's actually, for me, been an important part of my process to lose some of the self-obsession, like to lose the obsession with having the two-hour morning routine and like always looking at what I'm supposed to be working on within myself and like being so self-obsessed, it's been nice to focus on another human being and not do that.

51:00And you kind of have to swing back a little bit because it's not that I'm losing myself. Like I'm a different person on the other side of becoming a parent, I feel. And my life has completely changed as I think it should and will for people when they have kids. but I've kind of lost the prioritization piece of you know what if I prioritized meditating for five minutes before I got MAV up it would have this type of impact on those first few hours together in the day on the mid-afternoon tantrum that he you know like just these little pockets of like how can I regulate my nervous system come back to myself remember what's true feel my breath feel my body and I think my mind says it doesn't really matter it's not going to make a difference like you're so in it right now like you just gotta push through and this is about your child and this you know it's like yes and it will pay in dividends if you invest that small amount of time to do something so intentional and so focused on your well-being so I'm I'm actively practicing this I told Sean to keep me accountable because it's really easy for me to be like, no, it's okay.

52:37I don't have to go to the workout. It's fine. Like I'm just gonna, or I'll do the red, the meditation in front of the red light later. Like I'll, and then I never do it. You know, it's really, really easy to be a bit of a martyr and a bit of like, just I'll put him first because there's a part of me that it, that feels good. I'm doing what I'm supposed to do as a mother. But if I look at my own mother, who's an angel on earth, you know, she rarely did things for herself. And I think if she were to go back, she would do it differently. And we still had a beautiful childhood with her, but I remember her not doing things for herself.

53:17And now I'm also not doing things for myself. So I would love for my children to see me doing things for myself that feel good, that are nourishing, that are healthy, that help me to regulate. And then they see the fruits of that because I am a more present mom, a more regulated mom. I think that matters. And they feel that and remember that.

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56:37You can head to paleovalley.com slash almost 30 or use the code 830 at checkout for 15 % off your first purchase. Again, my favorite is the chocolate bone broth protein. I will make sure to put this with hot water. Sometimes I'll add like a little dash of milk, even though you don't really need it. They have like a really clean coconut powder in there that gives it that creaminess, but it is so delicious. I'm telling everyone about it. Again, that's paleovalley.com slash almost 30. The code is A30, A30 at checkout for 15 % off your purchase. Yeah, it matters so much because early nervous system wiring influences adult attachment styles, emotional regulation, and how people respond to closeness and conflict.

57:22So again, it's like the closeness is important there too, because when you have something good that's close, it can still feel like a threat because in the past you've had, you know, inconsistent experiences with it. it also influences your biological patterns. So when you have oxytocin releasing or stress reactivity, this correlates with your relationship, quality, trust, and co-regulation in relationships. And then nervous system responses are sometimes processed as feelings and sometimes made into the mind of feelings, but they're really just measurable psychological responses to psychological processes shaped by experience.

58:03So the nervous system responses aren't just feelings, they're actually measurable psychological processes that are shaped by experience. So previous experience shapes a psychological, physiological, okay, actually. And also nervous system responses aren't just feelings, they're measurable physiological processes that are shaped by experience. So previous experience shapes the physiological processes that goes on in the body, which the mind then makes sense of through feeling. So tells you you're feeling anxious, tells you you're feeling depressed, tells you you're feeling overwhelmed when actually this is a past experience that shapes this physiological response that's then interpreted by the brain as anxiety or something like that.

58:44Yeah. And kids are, kids, toddlers, babies are neuroceptive. So basically like they, they scan for anything to be scared of, to fear, like it is kind of in their wiring. And so to have a caregiver parent who is regulated around any threat and is, you know, protective in a regulated way, it helps them to not be on high alert, right? But if you have a parent who is also anxious, scanning for things all the time, like there's just this co-regulation happening where the baby who doesn't have that development yet is looking for safety in you, but there's actually no safety within your being because you're constantly scanning for threats.

59:42And so it's a hard thing at times because I think primarily as a parent, you're like, I want my kid to be safe. And so there is a natural inclination to scan for threat. But how do you do it? And how quickly do you come back from those moments? I mean, my intrusive thoughts and like, you know, this is very common, especially in early parenthood, are a plenty and I have to like snap myself out of them. But how quickly do you come back? How do you not let that intrusive thought inform the next moment, inform how you talk to your child, how you direct your child, how all these things like. So it's an interesting thing because there's two things happening at once.

1:00:29It's the primal need to protect your child. And then there's also this very important aspect of co-regulation and helping them develop their nervous system. Well, it's interesting with the nervous system because it's developed before you have any language. So you're developing that relationship of your nervous system with the child through co-regulation, through body, through touch, through their sensing. And then you add in the layers of communication later, which you then apply communication to the regulation of the nervous system or the dysregulation. But at first, it's more so like a body-based experience of attunement with nervous systems.

1:01:07So I think a lot of times people are unconsciously attuning to other people's nervous systems because we've been doing that from such a young age. And then later in life, we kind of have something happens language-wise, like I'm going to leave you, I'm breaking up, I'm going to work, whatever, that will apply a nervous system response. So it's always body-based first with the nervous system too. And so with children, I think that's important because they are developing that before you can talk to them about what it all means and before they can really understand, you know, language. Regulation precedes that logic.

1:01:41And, you know, really think for me and my experience of my relationship, I had such chronic misattunement, you know, in my childhood that it creates hypervigilance. And hypervigilance is sort of the constant state of scanning, analyzing, processing, making meaning, fear around it where I'm like, okay, is everything okay now? Is everything okay now? Has something changed? Has something shifted? You know, what's going on? And it's such an externalized experience where you kind of lose your own self in the process because you're so hypervigilant to what's going on outside of you to try and find and create safety.

1:02:23Yeah, it's fascinating work. And I, I, we were talking earlier on our walk. I feel like there is like a natural cycle of nervous system, um, up-leveling that happens in life where, whether it's every few years or however many years, cyclically where you're going to need to be able to hold more for whatever reason, or maybe there is an aspect of how your nervous system reacts from childhood that is coming up now when you're like 40 or 50, and it's something for you to look at and kind of learn and regulate around. But what it can feel like in the moment is that you've kind of lost the plot and everything you've ever learned, which is how I felt.

1:03:18And I felt so shameful and frustrated and judgmental of myself. Like, girl, you've done so much work. What is this regression? And I think what it actually is, is just this call to hold more, to understand more deeply, you know, what is triggering about this, how I can come back to myself, how I can calm myself. Because if I'm able to be present for that, then what is possible next, I think is like the next level of life experience. So if we're always kind of stuck in the 17 year old nervous system, there's going to be a ceiling on what we experience in life. And I think we see a lot of that in our parents where, you know, I think they're stuck at a certain age and their nervous systems are stuck at a certain age and they're unaware.

1:04:14And then they're missing out on so much of what life is wanting to offer them because their nervous system doesn't allow them to go there. I was a top dollar team, my mom, and we were getting like massages somewhere and it was like all cool and chill. You know, she offered to pay for Christmas, which was great. And then they were having issues with us checking out. Like they were having some issues with some payment stuff and it was taking a few minutes and we're all cool and chill, just hanging out at the store, looking at stuff. And all of a sudden something, she's like, all right, this is just taking way too long.

1:04:47Let's just get out of here. And like, all of a sudden was like this, just like flipped a switch was like not having it freaked out, completely unattuned to the staff and what they're doing and what they're working on and everyone else in the room. Like no attunement was anywhere except for like all of a sudden having this trigger of getting out and having this like surge of adrenaline in her to like move or something. And it was just like, whoa, like witnessing it and seeing it. And I was like, wow. And I even remember, I'll never forget one time I was at the airport. Honestly, it haunts me. I think about it daily.

1:05:20And I was in the bathroom and there was this woman and her daughter. I could see their little feet in the stall next to me. This mom was freaking the mother F out. She was like, you got to just relax, be chill. So activated, freaking the F out, yelling at her daughter to be chill. And her daughter's like kind of way being chiller than her. And I just was like, this is psychotic. Like when someone has that reaction and they're completely out to lunch, unaware of how they seem and sound and how they actually are and cannot get a grip on their own sense of the body. And this is why being in touch and in tune with your body is so important because then you could feel, whoa, okay, my heart is racing.

1:05:58I just got really tense in my jaw. I'm like, feeling overwhelmed. I'm feeling all of these things that like I need to relax and regulate before I'm going to be like present and attuned to my daughter and realize that like I'm the one that's causing this freaking scenario here that's going on. And again, there's a lot that's bombarding our nervous system at all times, you know, we could go on forever, like EMFs, the city, like being ungrounded, the food, the TV, the Instagram, all of that. So it's really hard to stay in it. But I think for me, I've recognized the worthwhile nature of taking things from like a body-based perspective first of tending to the body to provide a sense of calm and peace in the body and then going to the thoughts.

1:06:49I think in my work so much, I'm almost in a therapeutic way with parts work or whatever work we're doing in coaching. It's a lot of conversation processing and we do get in the body, but I really was like, whoa, we actually sometimes are fighting a battle that's not worthwhile for a long time by just focusing on the thoughts. Because in my case of my scenario, I was processing quite a bit things in my past that weren't in my reality about being betrayed, whatever. And that wasn't in my reality at all. It was actually the opposite. And if I would have really focused on regulating my nervous system in the body at the very first thing, then my thoughts completely went away, let go.

1:07:34And so I probably would have saved myself like a month of processing stuff that wasn't real and that wasn't a part of this experience. Yeah. Yeah. I think what you said earlier just around, you know, the mushroom experience is just an example of, you know, you don't need to walk away from a processing with the answers. Like it could just be the moving of energy. It could be moving your body. It could be crying. It could be whatever. ever but I think it has a deeply profound impact when you just create space for that um because I think my sometimes I just want the answers like I want to talk to my therapist and walk away and be like okay we got the answer we're gonna work on this and then I wonder why sometimes I walk away and I'm like better like I don't know totally you know and I really need a good cry in the bath or I really need like a hard workout to kind of get out whatever um but yeah just on the piece of the example of the mom in the airport I just think it's it's just a reminder for me and like one of the things that I'm really it's a very simple thing I'm focused on this year but I want to do what I say you know it's so like and I want to be if I'm telling someone to do something or requesting of them or especially my child I want to be embodying that, you know, and there are so many moments as a parent, even this early on that I'm just like, wow, I'm tested and this is so hard.

1:09:11But when a child looks at you and they see a situation that doesn't make sense where you're telling them, I'm telling them, go to sleep. I know. And I am losing my mind and frustrated and gritting my teeth and upset because I haven't had a wink of sleep. How is that calming to a child that I want to sleep? So it's like, how do I really take a moment before those moments and very much embody what I want, what I want to say before I actually do it and feel it in my own selves before.

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1:13:24Communicating. It's hard. It's like, you have to practice it. It's not easy, but it's important. Because then children aren't as confused. Oh my gosh. I saw another woman at Starbucks. We were at the airport, me and him. And there was this woman that was like, get your dad to come. And she was literally growling, freaking out. I was about something. And I was like, bro, if you could see yourself on tape right now. Yes. If you could have the self-awareness to see yourself on tape right now, you'd be like, what the heck is going on with me? I am unwell. But I don't know if people, this is parts.

1:13:57And internal family systems, it's called being blended. It's like you're so blended with the reaction that you can't even see through the woods. You know, like you are like, I am so in this experience of stress that I can't have an observer or like there's no adult in the room because you're blended to a past version of yourself. And I think that reaction for a split second feels really good. Oh, yeah. So to say like, get your father feels really good. Yeah, you get like a hit of norepinephrine and you get like a adrenaline. It's like releasing whatever tension, anger, whatever. but it's like just such a confusing message to what you actually want in that.

1:14:36Totally. Yeah. It's crazy. It's crazy. So I think for us, for regulating the nervous system, what's super helpful, I think now I'm going to go, you know, nervous system first with my thoughts. So I've been doing a lot of work in this new thing that I'm learning called access consciousness. And it's very interesting because it kind of takes a different approach to thoughts where you really examine the thoughts and the feelings that come up in a different way. And I think it's been helpful for me because there is a lot of time we spend really massaging with and communicating with and exploring the thoughts.

1:15:15And I do that a lot. A lot of my work is that. But there's such a, if we go body first, we can have clarity and groundedness and a sense of peace that almost guarantees that the thoughts are going to feel different if we feel at peace and at home and safe in our body. And this goes for work around body transformation and anything with the body. It's like if we go body first, we're going to have such a different mental experience. And so whether it is a microdose or taking a bath or laying in the grass, like we're getting sun or disconnecting. I think there's a lot of supportive ways you can do that, but making it a practice on a daily basis or weekly basis to find a way just to like downshift is essential.

1:16:00Yeah. I think for me, it's been very essential. I bring back my practices around whether it's meditation, breath work, movement, like how I have learned to access my nervous system and really regulate. I've really lost that. And I've been so just kind of caught in the loop of what feels like survival mode, what feels like just being in the thick of things with a young child. and I also think you know my mind is a number in those moments and I think similar to you it's like how can I bring perspective to this moment so if you know Mav is getting up for the third time in the night and I'm just I'm tired I'm frustrated shifting to the perspective of like one this is a very temporary experience you know before I know it he's going to be freaking 15 sleeping in and wanting nothing to do with me.

1:17:06And then also he needs me, you know? And so while I would like love for him to get back to sleep and just like be in his crib and whatever, it's like, there is an aspect of this parent child experience where, you know, you have to put down these temporary desires that you have to like get that hour of sleep or oh my god I have to be up in a few hours or you know I have I have to be in studio the next day and you know like all of these kind of you know mind task things it's just like what if I just allowed this moment to be what it is which is me showing up for my child when they need me. And if I breathe through it and I just allowed it to be softer and not make so much meaning out of everything, am I doing something wrong?

1:18:03Should I call the sleep girl? Should I look up all these things and just allow it to be? One, I've learned that it passes more quickly. He's calmer. And I just feel then more like myself, more on purpose in that moment rather rather than I'm doing something wrong. I'm a terrible mom. It's just like, no, like I'm here. Like this is my purpose in this moment. And yes, it's a little inconvenient, but this is part of what it is. It's like, it's really not convenient a lot of the time. And it's trying to open me up to like, get out of the comfort of doing what I've always done and being who I've always been.

1:18:48I think that's such a good practice of, it is kind of reminding the why it's like, okay, I'm freaking tired. I have so much to work to do. It's like, okay, I'm doing this to provide my child with a greater nervous system safety. Yeah, that's real. Whoa, okay. Why am I doing this like work of healing this aspect of me? Because I'm wanting the deepest, most truthful, honest relationship. You know, you're just like, okay, whoa, what is going on here? Why is this coming up? Because it's for my greatest good, because I need to look at something I haven't been looking at. Allowing yourself to see that greater purpose.

1:19:22Yeah. And that's aligning to your highest self, to your future timeline. Like when you talk about that, it's like you having, oh, I'm going to pull up. What's the bigger picture here than this moment? Oh, this me choosing what is hard and uncomfortable now sets me up for success in the future and makes it easier for me to make that decision in the future. It's so, so true. I also do for parents, I do visualizations like, you know, hard times and hard nights. Like I'll just imagine like his heart and my heart, like next to each other and just kind of like, kind of blending, you know, pick a color, green, pink, and just kind of allowing them to like warm each other and blend a little bit in those moments.

1:20:01Um, I'll also say a prayer like out loud. Um, you can say a prayer, you can say an intention, but I need that pattern interrupt because my mind's going to go, my dysregulated nervous system is going to take over. But if I can pattern interrupt and say, God, thank you for this moment. Thank you for the opportunity to be Maverick's mom. Like, you know, just really kind of like bring myself up and out and then also change the temperature of the room. Yeah. Have Mav hear a prayer, have like God come into the room and just like change what's happening. It sounds a little corny, but it actually is deeply profound what happens when you don't let your nervous system and the constant loops just really take hold of the room.

1:20:53Yeah. It's huge. Yeah. Give it up to God. Just like I'm noticing this thing. I have this thing coming up and I put this on the altar. Will you take care of this? Like is such a beautiful one, I think for any relationship and, you know, coming just like I've tried and I really need your help. And I think on that day I had like been like, I just really need you to help. And then, you know, I was, had the time, call got canceled, had the time for spaciousness in practice, got the hit to do a little mushrooms. It was so beautiful. So we have other episodes on the nervous system as well that you guys can listen to that we'll put in the show notes.

1:21:30Flynn Skidmore, we talk about that with relationships in the nervous system. We talked about the episode, this is the most underrated tool for your mental health related to the nervous system. We talked about constant simulation and the relationship to your phone. And then we also talked about the nervous system in previous episodes that we will link. Yeah. It's a topic that I think is timeless. Yes. Not just trendy, it's timeless, baby. Thank you all so much for listening. More solo episodes coming your way from us. We wanted to do more of these, especially when we're together. We try to do as many as possible.

1:22:11If there are any topics that you want us to talk about, touch on, you're moving through that would be helpful, do let us know. You can DM us on Instagram at Almost 30 Podcast. I'm at Lindsay Simsek. I'm at itskrista. It's I-T-S-K-R-I-S-T-A. Enjoy the podcast. Make sure to subscribe, rate, and review. We have a morning microdose, which has five to 10 minutes of the best of the best. We have TikTok, we have Instagram, and we're coming to you live every week, Tuesday, Thursday. We love you. Love you guys. Goodbye. Bye.