844. Reignite Your Desire: Sex and Intimacy for Singles + Couples

30:11So leaning into those conversations beforehand. But then there's all the beautiful sexual communication that happens during the experience, right? And so this is where it's kind of helpful to know what your style is, right? And so for some people, you know, ideally, of course, the goal is to be able to feel no problem saying, like, I want this, or, you know, can we try this in the moment, right? And initiating this and saying, can we do this, you know, can we do more of this or try this? But for some people, it might help them feel more present to use more nonverbal signs of sexual communication, right?

30:52And so this could mean moving your partner's hand. It could mean engaging in sighs and moans. And, And, you know, you might feel like a little bit of a drama queen doing it. But actually, those those noises, you know, I have a viral TikTok video with millions of views literally called make noise during sex. We should all be making. Yeah. To make noise during sex. You know, first of all. Why? Tell us why. Yeah. There's some really interesting reasons. You know, first of all, from a physiological level, you know, we only moan and sigh at two particular times when we're in pain, right, and when we're experiencing pleasure.

31:38And the reason we do it is it really activates the vagal nerve, right? And it helps us to, again, calm our nervous system and to become in sync with it, right? It's a way, and again, during sex when you're trying to bring your nervous system into that relaxed state, it can be really helpful for doing that. But it also does a great job of telling your partner what feels good, what you want more of, what's really working for you, right? And it also, again, back to this idea that sometimes our beliefs and our behavior are a two-way street. Yeah, if you're kind of making moans and sighs, your body, you might find yourself becoming more turned on.

32:24Totally. Because you're making those sounds and getting into it. And allowing yourself to do that. And allowing yourself to express pleasure. Yes. So make noise during sex. And then the third phase of communication that's so critical is the part that comes afterwards, right? Right. Reflecting on the experience, figuring out, OK, I loved it when you did this. Right. It felt amazing when you did that. Or even just I feel so close to you right now. Right. Or wasn't it hot when we tried this? Let's try this and do it even more next time. And, you know, that can be a conversation that's right after sex.

33:03It could be the next day, the next morning when you're making your coffee. Right. And then it also that just feeds again into this afterglow effect that, you know, science suggests lasts for about 48 hours where you're just really, you know, marinating in the pleasure that took place and experiencing its full benefit. Plus increasing your desire for the next time it might happen. Yeah, threading it throughout the day where there's like kind of this flirty conversation around it is so fun. And it just kind of, it is like the buildup for the next time as well. Yes, exactly. I mean, maybe I should throw out there that science does show that in committed relationships, sexting can actually be a really powerful source of fueling desire and fueling passion.

33:54Don't be afraid to send a sex. And it can be something, you know, you don't have to become a completely different person to enjoy a fantastic sex life. But you could experiment with being a little naughty or even just saying that was amazing last night, right? Or like can't stop thinking about X, Y, Z, right? There can be phrases that don't feel that scary and don't feel like a major departure from who you are that can nonetheless continue to breathe fire into that passion. I read something recently that completely reframed how I think about aging, and it has nothing to do with wrinkles or energy levels on the surface.

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37:20You can head to paleovalley.com slash almost 30 or use the code 830 at checkout for 15 % off your first purchase. Again, my favorite is the chocolate bone broth protein. I will make sure to put this with hot water. Sometimes I'll add like a little dash of milk, even though you don't really need it. They have like a really clean coconut powder in there that gives it that creaminess, but it is so delicious. I'm telling everyone about it. Again, that's paleovalley.com slash almost 30. The code is A30, A30 at checkout for 15 % off your purchase. Yes. And just at that point, you know, a departure from who you are, I think sometimes like in these conversations, we're kind of like, it's not that it's not us.

38:06Yeah. It's just that we haven't embodied that part of us yet. Exactly. So it's like, I think we can become so hardened around like, yeah, it's just not me. Like I don't do that stuff. And it's like, okay, I hear you. Yeah. Cause I'm talking to myself. Like I've, I've felt that before. And then I'm like, yeah, but I don't know. Life is long. Like, can we discover other parts of us and be able to like practice like, Oh, how did that feel? And how did, you know, like, Like, did that feel kind of fun and like risky and just another part of me that wants to come out more? And I think when you're in relationships sometimes, and this is my next question around patterns.

38:46So when you're in a committed relationship, you know, there are patterns that will just automatically form around sex, around anything. And so when we get into those patterns say maybe one person always initiates sex. Maybe one person is always requesting to do something in particular in the bedroom and the other person's like, no, I don't want to do that. Or whatever the pattern is, or maybe we're in a pattern of just doing the same thing in the bedroom every single time. What would you say to a couple who's kind of not stuck in the pattern, but just comfortable in the pattern? Feels a little bit stuck in that rut.

39:25Well, I mean, first of all, I just want to go back to a really important point you made, which is, yeah, we don't want to become a totally different person, but sex is a place that we kind of journey to with our partner, right? It becomes a new space where we show up and we show a side of ourselves that we quite literally, physically and figuratively don't show anybody else, right? So yeah, even though you may have this initial thought of, well, that just isn't me, right? Is there some sort of form of that activity that might help you break out of the kind of rut that we're talking about, right?

40:07And so like if we're looking at a concrete example, maybe, you know, when we think about novelty, people might think, oh my God, like I'm not going to go dress up as a dominatrix and bring out the whips and chains. Some of us might. That's fantastic. I have lots of information for you in my book about that. Go for it. I even bring a dominatrix into my class to show my students all for it. But for a lot of people, that feels a little bit scary, right? However, we do know that by introducing in sharp sensations into sexual play, it does have this really interesting effect where it brings you into the moment.

40:51It is surprising. And so it forces your brain to become really present, right? Because that is the frame of mind we really need to get into during sex for it to be pleasurable is being present and having that sense of mindfulness. So following this example, okay, maybe you're not into the whips and chains, but try some gentle spanking, right? Spanking can be really fun. And again, if you're going into that place, you might think, oh my God, that's just not me. And just consider maybe, maybe it's a place you go. Maybe you are carrying so much responsibility and working a job and in charge of everything.

41:36And yeah, you have so many responsibilities. And again, your sex life can be a place where you travel to with your partner where you just want to surrender, right? And so feeling like you step into that surrendering role and allow your partner, you know, to spank you a little bit, you can still be a feminist, a girl boss, a woman who is ruling the world and explore those dimensions and personalities and other aspects of yourself in the bedroom with your partner. And that's just, I just want to give people permission to explore that if it's something that you might want to try, right? And that's just going back to this point of, you know, if you're in a sexual rut, you know, look, the literature shows that couples who introduce something new simply once a month, right?

42:32We don't need it to be, again, an astronomical level of complete and total and utter novelty, it's just small doses, right? I talk about this as micro novelty, right? And so, yeah, if there's like a way, for example, that your partner always initiate sex and it's worked, but it's a little bit boring because it's the way that you've done it every single time. When you're having conversations about desire, you know, and you're having this communication that takes place before the event, talk about a fun way that you could initiate, right? Talk about, you know, you know, could it be that you put a blanket out on the bed, right?

43:17And that that signals that you're in the mood for sex that night, right? There are couples that maybe it's that you have a favorite sex toy that you use. And when that comes out of your nightstand and is beautifully displayed next to the bed, as most of them today are, they could be little mini sculptures, that's your sign that maybe you're in the mood, right? Or maybe begins with, you know, a naughty text, you know, sent to them or a selfie, whatever it is. But yeah, if you could introduce, you know, or maybe it's that you want to act something out where your partner, you know, comes home from work or comes home from something or is even just role-playing and pretending and they come up and they pin your hands above your head and it begins like that, right?

44:07And yeah, all of these things might feel a little bit silly or a little bit like it's taking a step out of your normal comfort zone, but in a way that's the point, right? Like sex in a safe relationship, it can be playful, right? It can be something that is a little bit silly, right? When we go to those, you know, we don't play in our adult lives. We tend to think of play as something that is only appropriate in childhood. but sex is play and it should be a place that we journey to with our partner where we can try out these other elements of ourselves that maybe we wouldn't in other contexts be comfortable showing.

44:51Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. It is so fun when you like really surrender. I love that you normalize this idea of non-penetrative sex. Yes. And just, you know, how you can really experience pleasure in different ways and very intimate pleasure, especially for women. Can you talk about that? Absolutely. So we all need to be expanding our definition of sex beyond just penetration. And if you're not convinced, let me just throw out a few statistics. So my students are always shocked to learn. I was shocked to learn that only 18 % of women can have an orgasm from penetrative sex alone. So most of us are following a sexual script where it starts with kissing, maybe there's a little bit of genital touching, maybe a touch of oral, and then it goes to penetrative sex, and then he comes and it's And what we need to do is expand our repertoire because 82 % of women need some kind of direct clitoral stimulation to be able to have an orgasm.

46:08And the reality is that the best way for clitoral stimulation to occur is through either fingering or oral sex or having your partner use your vibrator on you, which is a totally healthy, normal, great thing to incorporate it into sex if it's something that feels fun to you. But when we look at lesbians, their orgasm rates are very equal, right? They tend to report that they orgasm about 85 % to 90 % of the time when they're with their partner. With women and men in straight relationships, there's this enormous orgasm gap, right? Only 65 % of women say that they orgasmed the last time they had sex, whereas it's closer to 95 % of straight men.

46:56So we need to close the orgasm gap. Why do you think that is? Because of this reliance on penetrative sex. And we've been taught by the media and by porn and, you know, by all these stories, we've been told that sex equals penetration. And, you know, layered on to that is the fact that we come from a long history where female sexuality has been shamed, right? Where there's a sexual double standard for sure, where we, you know, tend to be judged more harshly, you know, for being sexual or for wanting sex. So I think women also just don't feel empowered to speak up in the bedroom and be honest about what's feeling good for them versus what's feeling not.

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51:01And I think too, there's, this is weird, but I just came to mind like, you know, when a, when a male finishes, like you, you, you know it. Exactly. It's like very obvious, right? And then for women, it's almost like internally happening, right? Like it feels a little more internal. So I don't know. I don't know. There's something there. And also I feel like, you know, to what we spoke about earlier about just kind of the warming up and the lead up, like, I think this is generalization I know is not true for everyone, but it does take women a little bit more time to get there. And I think I'll speak for myself.

51:44There have been times when I was younger, like in my twenties, where I'm like, I feel bad taking this time. Yes. Let me just focus on you, get you to where you need to go. So common. It happens for me. Great. If not, I'm good. Right. Right. But then that became the standard for me when I was younger. It became the standard. Exactly. And that's why we have an epidemic, first of all, of women faking orgasms. Yeah. Oh my God. that was my 20s. Yeah. Oh my God. Me too. Exactly. I mean, way over half of women, like closer to 60 % say that they've faked an orgasm at some point. And when you ask them to say what their reasons were, it's, you know, to protect my partner's feelings, right?

52:28Or to get the sex to end, which means either you're just suffering in silence through really not pleasurable sex, which is not okay, or that we're in this culture that is treating orgasm like it's something that you need to achieve, right? If you've been thinking of the language around it that we finish, right? And it's sort of framing orgasm as this goal-oriented procedure. And as a result, there can be, you know, a lot of women feel tremendous pressure from their partners to orgasm. And because if they don't, their partner is going to be crushed. They're going to pout. They're going to wonder if they're a good enough sexual partner.

53:11All of a sudden, it's going to be about protecting their feelings at the expense of your own pleasure, right? And so I want to be delicate with this because it is absolutely possible, first of all, to have a great sexual experience where you don't orgasm, right? I mean, making out is totally underrated. Kissing is totally underrated. And, you know, it can go back and forth where one partner's desire might be higher one day or one week than the other. And there might be times when one of you orgasms and the other doesn't. But if we get into a pattern where it's always one partner and not the other, which let's face it, tends most of the time to be that the man is orgasming, whereas his female partner is not, like Houston, we have a problem, right?

54:02And that's when we need to start speaking up and emphasizing different types of touch, oral sex, right? And in fact, couples who report high levels of passion in long-term relationships report having really high levels of oral sex. Again, a technique that directly stimulates the clitoris. And so, yeah, is more likely to lead to orgasm and pleasure. Mm hmm. Yeah, it's it's fascinating. And I feel like. Yeah, there's I want to kind of pick up the porn conversation a little bit because you mentioned just kind of this kind of unrealistic trail of sex. um and so what are your thoughts on porn um I think from a standpoint of healthy sex in society and like being able to access that with your partner and be able to like organically and genuinely develop that rather than kind of having this like fantasy thing play over here that you're always comparing to or desiring.

55:13Exactly. Exactly. And, you know, I mean, the problem with porn is that we have no federally mandated sex education. And so people are curious, right? And especially kids who are naturally curious about what sex looks like. Like they go on the internet. It's easy to access porn. And so they have all of these images about genitals and bodies and response and what turns people on that tends to follow these kind of very gendered, misogynistic storylines that can set up really false, horrible expectations to the point where I've had many of my students come and tell me porn kind of ruins sex for me because it's where I learned about what it's supposed to look like and all I could do is compare myself to it, right?

56:03Now, on the other side of that, there is research showing that couples who watch porn together report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than couples who don't, which suggests that if you're watching it and you are able to remind yourself that it is not something that is a realistic portrayal of sex, which is going to be a lot easier to do if you're watching a genre that's known as ethical porn, meaning it's showing real sex, it shows consent, it shows real bodies, it shows real desire, it shows communication. There are many, many more activities focused on female pleasure. It's not just all focused on male pleasure, that can be really helpful for couples, right?

56:55We also know from the data that porn can be really helpful for queer couples and for queer individuals who are looking to have, you know, many of their desires or interests kind of normalized and understand, like, oh, you know, because they don't, you know, follow along this, like, traditional heteronormative script, like, oh, these are the types of sex and activities that could be fun, you know? And yeah, I mean, so it's, it can be really something that can be, and for women, actually, when women watch it, and again, probably because women are less likely to be watching sort of mainstream porn that's setting up unrealistic expectations, that it can help you get turned on, right?

57:37I mean, look at the millions of women who have gotten turned on by heated rivalry and reported that that's made an improvement in their own sex life. It's fine stuff. It could just be soft porn, erotica, or reading that can just help you get into the mindset that can be hugely, hugely helpful. But again, with mainstream porn, our brains, even if we know it's not real, we're naturally going to start comparing ourselves to it because our brains are just wired to do that. Right. When we see something that is that kind of really immediate, powerful media, it gets imprinted into our brain as what the norm is.

58:24And, you know, in the moment, even if we know it's not real, we're still going to be making those comparisons. So it's just something to sort of, you know, if you find yourself, I think, doing that during sex, You know, again, it's about practicing sexual mindfulness, which means, you know, okay, I see those visions of porn. I see those, you know, perfect bodies that I, you know, am comparing myself to that I might see on Instagram. I'm going to let those thoughts kind of fall out of, you know, my brain. I'm going to see them pass through. And I'm going to bring my attention back to my breath, back to my body, back to the sensations that I'm feeling, back to the sexual cues coming from my partner and try to refocus on that.

59:10Yeah. I can, I can see how it's a really useful tool when used in a ethical or just, um, it's less numbing way. Exactly. Yeah. Unconscious. Sometimes I think, you know, when I think of porn, I'm like, oh, it's just like a quick hit. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. When it's used in an intentional and mindful way, it can be healthy. It's a little bit like fair trade coffee. Do you know what I mean? Like when you're doing it in a way where you're really being thoughtful about like, okay, are these actors and actresses being paid? Are they clearly exercising consent? Does this look real? Or does this look like a woman who's just being gang banged in a really aggressive way.

59:58And, you know, again, but, you know, when we look at porn and we look at where the problems arise, there totally are people who can develop a compulsive use of porn for sure. And in those instances, though, it's usually being driven out of a form of emotional avoidance, which is, you know, kind of what you pointed to sort of this hit or this numbing that can come from watching it. But, you know, we have to remember in those situations, it's usually those feelings of, you know, anxiety or depression or whatever it is that the person's trying to avoid that then causes them to go seek out the porn, meaning that the solution to this isn't to be heaping lots of shame and guilt on people because of their porn use, but to be educating them about how to use it mindfully and empowering them that if they feel like they have an issue with it, that it's probably because of underlying, you know, anxiety or depression that needs to be treated within itself, not because they're being a bad person and need to go sign up for, you know, a porn addiction program.

1:01:11Right. So, but I mean, you know, the research shows that when it's being used out of a place where you're, you know, seeking curiosity, excitement, self-care, because masturbation, which is usually what you're doing when you're watching porn, is a form of self-care, right? When it's just being done as something that's fun and it's not overtaking your life, right? You're not using it at inappropriate times. You're not watching it during work. It can be a healthy part of your life and it's probably less of a concern than many porn anti-activists would, anti-porn activists would have you believe.

1:01:48Yeah. Yeah. I agree with that. Do you believe that, does the research show that we're having less sex today? So the research does show that we are having less sex, but it is a bit of a more nuanced picture. Because first of all, it's primarily being led by Gen Z, some of the millennials as well. But the question is, of course, why is that? And it's hard to pin it down to one answer. It could be stress. It could be the crazy world we live in. It could be that people are on social media and feel a sense of rejection sensitivity. I think we all feel more of a sense of rejection sensitivity just because we're so used to, you know, putting ourselves out there in such a public way that you feel like if you, you know, do something or take a wrong step, somebody could just, you know, snap it and share it to the world.

1:02:49Right. Right. I think that, you know, COVID definitely had an impact on it, even though we started to see the beginnings of this declined before COVID, but sure, we have like a generation of people who were, you know, either in college or right out of college during a time when we were under lockdown and didn't develop the types of social skills that enabled us to connect with each other and put ourselves out there and, you know, negotiate, you know, the sexual experiences that we wanted. But the reason I say it's nuanced is that it's also correlated with a decline in drinking among women. Okay.

1:03:29Right. That's so interesting. I never thought about that. Yeah. So if we look at that, basically women are not feeling, you know, the need to go out and get really, really drunk and have sex, which maybe they're having less of the sex they never wanted to have in the first place. Yeah. Perhaps. Yeah. Right. Right. Or it's just or kind of like sex that you look back. You're like, oh, yeah, exactly. Like, was that really that satisfying? Right. So there's that. And then it's also really just being driven by this huge shift in the average age of marriage. Right. So it used to be that we all got married on average at age 25.

1:04:12Now it's about 31. We also have a much bigger segment of the population that is choosing to remain single or is, you know, feels more empowered to leave a relationship that's not working for them. I think something like one quarter of people in their 40s now are single. So the very like practical consideration is that you tend to have more sex if you're in a relationship. And so it could just be that more people are spending more of their life single and so they're having less sex. Okay. So it could be that, right? Nevertheless, I do think, you know, of course my whole mission is to be having, helping, giving people the tools and the information to be having better sex no matter who they are.

1:05:01whether they're in a 20-year relationship or newly single or navigating casual sex and hookup culture, I absolutely think you can have positive sexual experiences in those contexts. And so, yeah, I spend a good portion of my book explaining that because we probably could be helping single people have more better sex. We just need to be able to empower them with the tools to be creating the sexual experiences that they want to have to begin with. Yes. Yeah. I'm so glad you said that. I wanted to go there for people who are single, who are dating, who might want friends with benefits, like just are at a different place in their life, which is, you know, can be so much fun.

1:05:47I hear from a lot of women and I experienced it myself. I was single for a long time where

1:05:57I feel like I would kind of use sex as like the ticket in where I'm like, let's do this. It's like, it's going to be great. I'm going to like, you know, do a little show for you. And then I get in and then you're going to fall in love with me. Right. Whatever. It worked on sex in the city, right? Yes, totally. That was my playbook. Right. Me too. Me too.

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1:09:19Or it is kind of, you know, with friends with benefits. I feel like it just becomes like the thing you do. Yep. And everything else kind of falls by the wayside, like time spent together, intimate conversations. Now, granted, that can happen. I've been in more casual relationships where we do make it a priority to kind of like be a little bit more human and connected. Yeah. Which I think is like ideal, but like, how do we get there and how do we have an experience where we're not, you know, getting a text at 11 PM and we're just being kind of used. Yeah. The you up text. Like we're being kind of used at that time, even though we say yes.

1:10:06How do we get to a place where it feels like a more conscious choice by both people? We're experiencing pleasure. And we're really getting what we'd like out of this situationship. Exactly. And, you know, I'm so glad we're talking about this because, you know, first of all, friends with benefits can be a great situation if, you know, you're... And it's great practice. And it's great practice. And maybe you're in between relationships, or maybe you're just working your butt off and don't have time for a full relationship. You know, maybe this is a person where you have a real sexual connection, but it's not someone that you necessarily see yourself settling down with, but it's great and it's fun and it's connected and it's good for you for the time being, right?

1:10:53First of all, let's normalize that that can absolutely exist in our lives and serve a healthy place. But the problem, and we know this because there is now really good research on friends with benefits, is that people, you know, because again, we're not educated in school about how to communicate about these types of relationship structures, we're frequently not on the same page, right? That's where things really go awry. So true. So in research that has looked at friends with benefits, right? And they've looked at, okay, what's going on? How is the relationship defined? And what happened one year later?

1:11:33They find that when people start out truly as friends beforehand, right? When there's like actually a foundation of friendship, meaning you actually care about the other person's wellbeing. You may not want to spend the rest of your life with them, but you have respect for them. You care about who they are. You know, you're interested in knowing a little bit about their life beyond just what happens in the bedroom, that when that happens and when there are clear guidelines and boundaries around things like, how much time are we going to spend together? Are we going to be exclusive? Are we going to spend time together when we're not having sex or is this just going to be something that is purely sexual?

1:12:19How often are we going to get together to have sex? If one of us wants to end it, how are we going to end it so the other doesn't feel hurt, right? When we feel like we can have those kinds of conversations and make sure expectations are aligned at the beginning, what the data shows is that one year later, people may not still be in the friends with benefits situation, but they're still friends. They're still happy they did it. They still report it was a positive experience. The place where they really go awry is, I think, in this classic situationship where essentially it's ambiguously defined, right?

1:13:00And a lot of times what happens there is one person is thinking it's going to be something that turns into an actual relationship. And, you know, unfortunately, you know, there can just be because we're, you know, we live in this culture of chill where people feel like if you express needs or ask for clarity or express any kind of hint of frustration that you're, you know, being needy or you're being codependent or you're not empowered, right? That if you're not down to fuck, that you're not a self-confident, empowered person. And we need to really get rid of that toxic narrative because you are an empowered person for being able to state your needs.

1:13:46That's hot. That's sexy. That's confident. Right. And you also need to be honest with yourself. Like ask yourself, is it okay if this is just about sex? Am I going to be okay if this is just about getting together with someone and sharing our bodies and feeling good and being friends, but not depending on this turning into something else. Right. And I think for the other person too, it's your responsibility to not be doing everything else where you're, you know, acting like, let's say, right. In most cases, it would be like acting like a boyfriend and being like a boyfriend and talking about how you want to introduce the person to your parents and talking about how you can't wait to do X, Y, Z together and talking about how cute your kids would be.

1:14:36Don't be saying things like that. right? That's manipulative, right? That's not honest. So, you know, when friends with benefits are honest and on the same page and are enjoying the experience for what it is, don't be embarrassed. That can be a positive experience. That's nothing to feel like you need to shy away from. But if you are honest with yourself and know you're not going to be okay if this is just for sex, know that doesn't feel like a good arrangement to you. Yes, you would lose your mind if you saw this person talking to another girl or another guy at a party, don't do it. And don't feel ashamed for that, right?

1:15:15Don't do it because you feel like it's the only thing that's available to you. Yeah. Yeah. I think this being honest with yourself is so key. And I think the just laying it out on the table. Exactly. Like, what do I desire out of this? Like, what are the parameters, you know? And I think the friendship piece, having that as a foundation is so true because it also creates a sense of safety. Exactly. Which I think is very important for these types of relationships where, you know, it's obviously there can be some unknown, but it's just that like, you won't intentionally hurt me. Like, you know, my heart, you know, there's like an aspect of someone knowing your heart that even if you're not going to be in a long-term committed relationship just allows you to, yeah, like be more present in what this is.

1:16:12I found myself future tripping a lot. I found myself thinking back to like, oh, a couple of times ago when we got together and like, what did that mean? Rather than just like, let's enjoy this. Right. Either let's enjoy this or if that's driving you crazy, ask where things stand. Ask for clarification. You deserve more than an ambiguously defined situation. And you are a self-confident person for demanding that clarity. That does not make you weak. Because if they give you the answer that you're not looking for, good that you have that information. I know. It's all information. Because it's just going to be more and more tricky and risky the more you get in if you don't have it.

1:16:58Because it does, right? It comes down to safety. Safety is the foundation of pleasure, right? We literally, if we don't experience a sense of emotional and physical intimacy, it's going to be impossible for our minds and bodies to relax, to be able to surrender to pleasure. It simply is going to be absolutely impossible. So, and, you know, I think those same guidelines too, by the way, extend to casual sex experiences that may not be lengthy friends with benefits, but might be a night of fun, right? And it's the same thing. You have to just ask yourself, am I okay if this is just for fun? And ask the person that you're potentially having sex with, are you okay if this is just for fun, right?

1:17:45And it needs to, you know, I have a whole consent manifesto in my book around casual sex hookups because, you know, there needs to be intentional awareness throughout the experience. There needs to be a commitment to mutual pleasure, not just about one person using the other to get off. There needs to be emotional honesty about what the experience means and how, you know, where, if it's leading to a relationship or if it really is just a night of fun. There needs to be situational transparency about your STI status or if you're moving across the country the next day, right? And this is something that you can kind of build into a conversation kind of casually.

1:18:27Can you talk about that? Because I'd be like, I'm fascinated by this. How that would actually look. Absolutely. What that would look like. Because I feel like people out there are like, how do I not scare someone off? And again, information. So if someone is scared by exactly something like this maybe they're not the one to have what I stand with I mean what is wrong with saying you know in a really flirty way right not serious not accusatory but in like a confident flirty way just saying like I can't really tell where things stand you know I really like you like can you let me know and just staring yeah into their eyes letting it hang in the air for a minute, let them squirm.

1:19:15But if you are sitting with that power and confidence to say that, that's powerful. It's sexy. I feel like nine times out of 10, the other person's going to be like, wow. It's true. Right? I mean, that is going to evoke that response. It's not going to be like, oh God, it's going to, yeah, it's going to bring on like an, And oh, my God, if it's like, so, you know, if you feel not confident saying that, if you feel insecure saying that, then you won't feel powerful. But if you know that you have the right to that information and that it's going to be a prerequisite for you being able to enjoy yourself, ask for it.

1:19:56Right. And let them squirm and let them clarify. Yes. Right. Because trust me, you would so much rather know that before going in than finding out the next day that the experience meant something totally different to you than it did to them. Yeah, I completely agree. Do you recommend, last question on situationships, but do you recommend, I know a lot of people meet people out and they're drinking and all of that. You know, I've been there and, you know, my my drunk picker is not always the best. So it's like, what do you recommend around alcohol and going out and where we're meeting? Right. Exactly.

1:20:42Well, I don't think it is practical advice to say never hook up if you've had anything. Yeah, totally. Right. Like, I mean, in an ideal world, sure. But like, that's just not helpful. And so, you know, I think, first of all, do not have sex, though, with a new person if you are incapacitated. Right. And this is where it's really helpful to be out with girlfriends. Right. And to have conversations, you know, or this applies to guys, too. Right. Yeah. With guy friends and be on the lookout for each other. right? Make sure that you check in before you go home with the other person. Do a cute introduction to the person and, you know, maybe talk to them, get to know them so that, you know, other friends have, you know, had the chance to talk to him, a little context before things go.

1:21:37You know, I think I'm not saying it needs to be a full committee decision, but to the extent that we can be looking out for each other. I think that can be, that can be helpful. Um, and yeah, I mean, it's, you know, again, it's just a, you know, ideally if it's a casual sex hookup, it's not a person you're meeting for the very first time at a bar, you know, but I'm not saying that, you know, I know people who have gotten married where the first time they met the person at a bar and went home and had sex. So I'm not saying it's off the table. You just have to have that extra element of safety and connection with people who are looking out for you to begin.

1:22:19One of my last questions is around just, it's kind of a right turn, but all connected. How do we get ourselves physically in a state of like optimizing our sex and, you know, the physical related to the physical body. So health and what you're eating and your sleep hygiene and, you know, just these daily habits that we might not think about affecting our sex, but absolutely are. One of the most powerful forms, one of the most powerful pieces of sex advice that I have is get more sleep. I mean, it is say no more sister. I am living proof. Yeah. And it's not exciting advice. It's boring advice, but it is powerful advice because most of us are living in a huge sleep debt.

1:23:17And there is so much research plus just basic intuition that the more sleep you get, the more rested you are, the more you're going to feel in the mood for sex. and the more sex you have, the better you'll sleep. So it's a very nice two-way direction. But the other thing is, again, because we tend to think of sex as siphoned off into this other direction in our lives, we don't forget that it requires feeling at home in your body. It requires feeling a sense of vitality, meaning, yes, you should eat well or eat well 80 % of the time. You should exercise. You should walk. You should move your body.

1:24:01You should also enjoy other forms of pleasure, whether it's a massage or it's getting together with friends that feeds you and feeds your mind, feeds your body. Because especially, I have had so many friends who are primary physicians who have told me that they have, for example, men who come into the doctor's office and they are struggling with, you know, erectile dysfunction. And what becomes really clear when they sort of do a full examination is that the person is, you know, not taking care of themselves at all. They, you know, have really poor cardiovascular health. They're not in shape at all.

1:24:46They're eating junk. They're not getting any sleep. You know, of course your sex life is going to take a nosedive if you're living in that physical state. And so, you know, I want to be careful because I am not saying that you need to be doing all these things because you need to look a certain way to have sex. You don't, right? Like it's, you can have incredible sex no matter what body you are living in, but show your body care, right? And take care of it because that's going to connect you to it. And it's going to allow you to feel more embodied, which is going to lead to better sex and more frequent sexual desire.

1:25:26What would you say? I love that. What would you say to people who are experiencing different body changes, whether it's postpartum or newly pregnant or, you know, weight fluctuation or, yeah, there are a host of things that could happen as you just live your life. Yeah. But how do you walk someone through that insecurity? Absolutely. I mean, body image is one of the biggest things that can take us out of our minds during sex, right? And there's research showing just how powerful body image is in terms of feeding in not just to our ability to feel sexy and sexual, but in the way that we have sex and the cues that we send to our partner, our partner's receptiveness to us and their sexual desire and their sexual experience.

1:26:20right? Because if you are judging yourself and picking yourself apart and not able to relax, right, you're going to be tense and closed off during the experience. And so of course, that's going to feed in not just your sex life, but your relationship overall. So body image is something to really pay attention to. And, you know, doing all of these things to take care of yourself, it's really not about trying to look a certain way. It's just about accepting your body, right? And understanding your body is incredible, right? I mean, I remember right after I had, you know, kids, you know, especially my first two, the changes in your body after pregnancy and delivery are monumental, right?

1:27:05All of a sudden, you have a belly pooch, right? And, And, you know, it can be really hard to feel sexy when you feel like your body is so different. But if you can just remember, like, your body just did something magical. It just created a life. That is absolutely incredible. It's something to be celebrated, right? Or look in the mirror and find something about your body that you love. It might be your feet. It might be your clavicle. It might be your hair. It might be your face. It's, you know, whatever it is, you can usually, it might be your breasts, find something that you love and focus your attention on that, right?

1:27:50Thank your body, right? Show gratitude for your body because it's doing amazing things for you. It's taking you incredible places. It's allowing you to experience amazing things. So I think, you know, body image is something that is just so pervasive. But if we can, again, practice this practice of sexual mindfulness during sex, knowing we may have these thoughts going through our heads where, you know, we become distracted by how our butt looks or how our stomach looks. Which, by the way, I mean, there are even TikTok influencers online that show you how to position yourself during sex so that you hide those body parts.

1:28:32I mean, if you think about the toxicity of those types of messages that are teaching us we need to angle ourselves. I mean, of course we all have body image issues, right? Of course. So just having a sense of self-compassion for yourself and trying to center yourself and your body and understand that it is something you can work through. Focus on your breath. Focus on how you're feeling. Focus on your partner. And the incredible magic of the fact that you are there together sharing something really great. Yeah. No, I love those. sometimes I'll just try on how my husband feels about my body, which is positive.

1:29:14Yes. Very positively. Yes. No matter the season I'm in. So whether it's postpartum, pregnancy, like just having a day, not feeling great. Like just try on like, wow, he, he looks at my body this way. This is how he feels about it. And I know this is not the same for everyone, but in this case, this has helped me where I'm just like, okay, I can get on board with. Yes. You know, I believe you. You know, I believe you. Exactly. And I'll take how you feel and make it my own rather than like trying to, you know, change my mind. Exactly. Use that. Focus on that. And, you know, again, this is where non-sexual physical touch also becomes so powerful because when we're touching our partner, we're showing sort of a physical love of them and their body that's demonstrating how we feel about our partner's body that doesn't even require words, right?

1:30:19Because I think, you know, so often we can hear our partner be like, you look amazing. I love your body. Like you look incredible. And we just don't hear it, right? We're so negative about our own self body image that we just don't even believe it, right? But, you know, what research shows is that when there is more physical touch, hugging, cuddling, handholding, there's sort of this unconscious acceptance that, well, my partner loves my body because look how close they want to be to it. Yeah. And that can be really powerful. Yeah. It's so powerful. So powerful. Last question. So for anyone out there who is feeling really disconnected from themselves, from their sex life, single or not.

1:31:02What is one small thing that they can do today to just really take a step to reconnect with that? I think it's about really connecting with what an amazing sexual experience would feel like for you. Because the reality is no one craves bad sex. And for people who think, God, like I just, this isn't even anywhere on my radar. I don't even want to think about it. I don't need it. You do need it. You do deserve it. Your sexual being is so critical. Pleasure in your life is so critical. And it's about thinking about the types of things that you might want to try or that have been working for you so well and using that as a launching point to create a sex like that you actually look forward to and that you know has the potential to be really pleasurable.

1:31:59Yeah. I love that so much. Yeah. The pleasure piece makes me, I've thought about this before for myself, where else am I like holding back, experiencing pleasure? Yes. Not just sex. Exactly. Are there other areas of my life that I'm just holding back? And so how can I choose pleasure in kind of these mini moments throughout the day. Like if I see, you know, like a cappuccino and I'm like, I really want a cappuccino. That would bring me so much pleasure and like really indulging in that. And so it's like a, yeah, a by proxy practice. Like I deserve this. I can experience this and give myself that time and space and yeah, it's all connected.

1:32:42It's all connected. And the more you cultivate a pleasure practice, the better you're going to be at cultivating desire in the bedroom. Yeah, it's so, so true. It's the cappuccino. It's the get order dessert, right? It's the get the massage. Yes. You take the nap, right? Go on the girls night out, right? Because it might feel exhausting now, but if you get there, it's going to be replenishing. It's going to be fun, right? And, you know, the little things during the day, you don't need to earn them, right? You don't need to like hit a certain target in your life or across a certain number of things off your to-do list to deserve pleasure.

1:33:26We all deserve pleasure. And in fact, not only do we deserve it, but it's critical to our well-being, our mental health, and our relationship. Yes. Amen. So good. This has been amazing. I've learned so much. Thank you for being here. The book is out now. You could be having better sex. I'm so excited for you. Congratulations. Thank you so much. This was wonderful. So, so helpful. I'm going to, I wish I was in college taking, taking your class. I would love it.

1:34:01Thank you so much, Dr. Nicole McNichols for joining us on the podcast. The new book, You Could Be Having Better Sex is out now everywhere books are sold. Please get it. do a little book club with your partner. I think it's so worth it. And chat us. I want to know how it's going and how this has like really brought new life to your relationship, bringing these topics and questions and conversations to your marriage or to your intimate relationship. I'm excited for us. And even for those that are not in partnership, as you heard in the episode, this is for you too. How could we be having better casual sex if that's what we want to be having right now.

1:34:40So thank you so much for listening. Thank you to Dr. McNichols for coming on the show. Thoroughly enjoyed our conversation. So grateful. Make sure you're subscribed. We have two episodes every single week. And if you'll notice, we do have sponsors in our episodes. We have brands that we work with and love and trust and vet for you. I actually just had a brand approach us and my team shared with me. I was like, nope, can't do that. Don't like the ingredients, like we vet them. We're not saying yes to any, just anything and everything. It's important that we vet. And so any brands that we share, it would mean the world if you're called to check them out, to check them out and use our discount code.

1:35:22And make sure you're following us on socials, Almost Already Podcast on Instagram and TikTok. I'm at Lindsay Simsek on Instagram and Krista is at It's Krista. All right, y 'all. Thanks so much for listening to Better Sex Lives. Here we go. All right. Love you. Bye.