847. What I Wish I Knew Before Becoming a Parent

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1:12Lindsey Simcik:Hi, everyone. Welcome to the Almost 30 podcast. It's Lindsay. I am so, so glad you're here. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for subscribing to the pod. It has been almost 10 years, almost 10 years. We've been doing this thing. It's been the most unexpected ride of our lives. It's been the most fulfilling. We've gotten to meet thousands of you all over the world and just really understand the impact of having very real, very honest, very curious conversations about life, about the transitions in life, about the changes in life and how we can support ourselves the best way possible. So just a big thank you.

1:55Lindsey Simcik:And today's a solo episode. If you know the pod and are in the flow with us, you know that we do interviews with incredible guests, experts, teachers, you know, spiritual guides with, yeah, just some of the world's coolest people who are researching and kind of leading the way on so many different topics. And then we have Krista and Lindsay solos where we just go off on whatever we're feeling called to talk about. And those are always fun. Those happen on a monthly basis as well. And then we have solos of just me or just Krista. And these go even deeper into what we personally are interested in moving through and feel like we are well-equipped to talk about here.

2:49Lindsey Simcik:So today's episode, I'm very excited about. It's one that I think some of the points might be a little controversial to some people and some might be comforting. So take this as with anything, whatever hits and lands for you, great. Whatever doesn't, leave it. And then also, like, if anything, if anything feels like it's, like, rubbing up against a part of you, because I've been there, I've listened to different people speak, experts, psychologists, etc., and sometimes they will share an inconvenient truth that, you know, makes me feel a type of way, but knowing in my heart that it's true. I've had to really metabolize it, digest it, and understand the implications of why this truth is actually meant to make me a better person, a better parent, a better partner.

3:50Lindsey Simcik:So I'll just say that at the get, you know. So let's get into it. I have been thinking about this episode for a while now, actually. I keep having these moments, usually at night, when the house is like finally quiet. Lately, it's been around 9.30 or 10 because I have been falling asleep, putting my son to sleep and walking out in a daze. But in these moments where I'm thinking, wow, okay, like nobody told me about this part, you know, this part of parenting, this part of this experience, you know, everyone prepares you for the baby gear and the registry and the birth plan and the stroller research.

4:32Lindsey Simcik:And oh my God, like it's going to be like the most joyful thing ever. And all of that is helpful and true. But I think there's also another part of the truth of this experience that not a lot of people shared with me, at least. Maybe you have people sharing this with you, but no one really talks about what it feels like to become a parent. like the emotional stuff, the identity shift, the weird grief and joy that's happening at the same time, like a lot of the time. And lately I've been thinking if I could sit down with pre-mom Lindsay, you know, like soul cycle teaching, sleeping eight hours, casually grabbing dinner at 8 p.m., you know, doing my two-hour morning routine and blah, blah, blah, what would I tell her?

5:26Lindsey Simcik:I have always wanted to be a mom. So that has always been on my heart. I was waiting to find my person and just really feel like I was in a place to be able to bring a life into the world with a partner. And I feel like for me, my timing, though it wasn't what I planned, it was perfect. I got married at 33. We had our first child at 36. I was 36. And I feel like it was the perfect point in my evolution and where I'm at growth-wise and learning about myself and yeah, all the things. So I wish I could sit down with pre-mom Lindsay, not to scare her at all, but just to like give her a heads up. You know, here's some things that are actually coming and it might be hard to hear, but I think knowing that would actually prepare you even better for becoming a parent.

6:32Lindsey Simcik:So this is that episode, just things I genuinely wish I knew before becoming a parent. Okay. We ready? Let's do this. So number one, your capacity for discomfort is about to expand. It might explode. It's just, it's a lot. The first thing, and this one hit me really, really fast, is how uncomfortable motherhood is. I remember, oh man, I gave birth. I was so, so blessed to have a very fast birth. I intended to have an unmedicated birth. And so I really believe that Mav was like, okay, mommy, I'm going to help you. My water broke spontaneously at 37 weeks and two days. Seven hours later, he was in my arms.

7:26and that was amazing and then I remember when kind of the adrenaline came down like I kind of

7:33Lindsey Simcik:came down a little bit from just like the oh my god I just did that and just the pure exhaustion of how physically taxing those seven hours were hit me I remember just saying to Sean on, I don't know if I can do tonight. I don't know if I can do tomorrow. Just how tired I was, just how tired I was in that moment. And that was the first of thousands of moments where I'm like, I don't know. I don't know if I can do this. And then you prove to yourself you can. And there's kind of that pattern over and over. And you build the confidence and trust in yourself and knowing that even when your mind and even when parts of your physical body, you're like, I don't know if I can.

8:23Lindsey Simcik:You push a little more and you show up the best you can and you do make it. So I think number one, like discomfort I felt was being tired. You know, you're tired a majority of the time. In those early months, it's, I mean, you're up every three hours, you're feeding every three hours. So in those first few weeks, you're feeding every three hours. Your hormones are all over the place, kind of regulating, kind of not. Your milk is coming in. Your life has completely changed. Everything about the day-to-day has changed. You have someone touching you all day. You haven't had a thought to yourself.

9:07Lindsey Simcik:You still have to show up calm and loving as best you can. I mean like there were nights with Mav where I was bouncing him you know like rocking him at like 3 a.m half asleep half crying you know it was just it's just like such a it's a wild thing I remember being like I've never felt this before I've never felt pushed to this type of limit and I remember thinking like how am I still functioning right now and I remember thinking like the next day, like, how am I doing this today when last night was so crazy? And I think what helped me so much was learning this isn't like a personal failure of like, I shouldn't be this tired, or I should be able to do this, or I'm weak.

9:57Lindsey Simcik:You know, this is a biological, very normal experience. You know, so not only is it very normal that you're not sleeping a lot. Your hormones help you in the beginning to kind of like feel a bit more alert, but that levels out and you get just really tired eventually. But also your brain literally rewires after you have a baby. You're more alert to things. You're more sensitive, more attuned. You're basically on watch 24-7. I remember like the sensitivity was exhausting to me. I just, the intrusive thoughts that I would have about something hurting my baby or something happening. Like I was exhausted by all of those sensations and those sensitivities.

10:44Lindsey Simcik:And it's something that I didn't really know. I didn't expect. I thought something was a little wrong with me. But I came to find out this is completely normal. And I think what would have helped me is just giving myself so much more grace. So if you feel fried, of course you do. You know, if you're sitting there and you're just like, yeah, like I can't even, I feel like I can't function. I can't take the next step. Of course you feel like that. And in those early months, especially, honestly, I'll say like the first year. Can I just say that? Because it's, you're in the thick of it. I'm still in the thick of it two and a half years in, but I'll just say the first year, like we take it moment by moment so much of the time, moment by moment, because things are changing so rapidly.

11:34Lindsey Simcik:You have to be so attuned and present to your child. Like you can't plan like you used to plan. You can't control things like you used to control things, which I think for me brought a lot of comfort. So I'm like flailing and discomfort thinking like, man, I can't even plan the next couple hours. I got to take it moment by moment. But it's something I really had to get used to and let it be my new normal. And it's that type of discomfort has really stretched me in the best way, where I feel very agile now. If something happens, we take a deep breath. We honor that what's happening is probably normal and that it's temporary.

12:23Lindsey Simcik:And we shift. We make a new choice. We change directions. It's just something that I didn't expect the discomfort to give me, but it's actually stretched me in the best of ways. So while it's happening, I'm like, what the fuck, to be honest. And then in the wake of it, I'm like, wow, girl, okay. This is something new that you know you're able to do. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. So March is all about celebrating women and everything they carry at work, at home, in relationships, and in the countless roles they hold every single day. I want to take a moment to celebrate a woman who has made a lasting impact on me, my mother.

13:10Lindsey Simcik:She is just the strongest, the kindest, the most giving, generous, warm angel on earth, just the way she shows up for others, for her family. But we all know how much women carry, and I've seen her carry a lot throughout her life. And sometimes that means that our own emotional well-being gets put on the back burner. I've experienced that. I've seen her experience that. That's why therapy is such a powerful, powerful space to pause, reflect, and care for yourself in the way you deserve. I have gone to therapy for the last, oh gosh, I think like seven years. My mom has done therapy. It's been amazing.

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15:54Lindsey Simcik:You guys, as the days get longer and warmer, which I am loving, I am leaning more into my strength training game. Yeah, me. And I've been loving it. And you all know we don't build muscle without protein. And I'm getting my typical proteins, but I also love bread and I'm not giving it up. That's where hero bread comes in. I'm all about easy, satisfying meals that fit my macros, if you will. I'm not counting them, but I'm just being mindful of getting my proteins and all the things. So I love that I can enjoy comfort food favorites like grab and go breakfast bagels and veggie packed lunch wraps without worrying about my fiber or protein goals.

16:34Lindsey Simcik:I recently tried their hero noodles as well. I was totally blown away. They have 12 grams of protein and only 80 calories per serving, plus 11 to 32 grams of fiber, depending on the product. Fiber is so important. I actually had a blood test six months ago that just gave me all the indication I needed more fiber. So this has really been a part of what's been helping me. And the texture of these breads is amazing. I'm not just saying this. They are soft, fluffy, and way better than you'd expect for low net carb baked goods, whether it's the wraps, the bagels, sliced bread, or even the insanely delicious Hero Pen au Chocolat and croissants.

17:14Lindsey Simcik:Okay. I love the croissants. Keep them in the freezer and just pop them out, put them in the oven. They're absolutely incredible. So there's something for every meal, everyone. It's the most amazing flavor without the compromise, zero to five grams of net carbs, zero grams sugar and fiber packed. So you can enjoy the foods you love while building muscle. Right now, Hero Bread is offering 10 % off your order. Just go to hero.co, that's H-E-R-O dot C-O, and use the code A30POD at checkout. Seriously, whether it's breakfast, lunch, or pasta night, Hero Bread makes it so easy to have your favorite meals without any trade-offs.

17:55Lindsey Simcik:One of my favorite thought leaders in this space is Erica Commissar. She wrote the book, Being There. It's basically about the importance of being there and present in the first three years of your child's life. But she talks a lot about how attachment requires presence. And presence isn't always comfortable. Sometimes it's literally just sitting with your kid while they cry and not fixing it and not having to do something. And that, I've learned, takes a lot of stamina. You know, I think my brain is used to doing the most. You know, it's like, okay, let's Google something. Let's talk about something.

18:33Lindsey Simcik:Let's call our friends. Let's talk, and let's do the steps to fix the problem. And it is so not that most of the time. Most of the time, it is being present for what is and not doing much. and just knowing that your presence, your love, your comfort, and your ability to be there for your child is actually what is needed. It's honestly like emotional CrossFit. I am like emotional Hydrox over here. Any Hydrox fans? I'm not, but like, I'm not not, but whatever. that came to mind. But weirdly, it does 100 % make you stronger. So I just want to say that if you are in the early years of parenthood, and you're feeling like, man, I haven't had fun in a while, I haven't felt just chill and comfortable in a really long time, absolutely correct.

19:39Lindsey Simcik:You know, there is a next level of being a human being that parenthood pushes you into that will just, yeah, make you the most uncomfortable I think I've ever been. And now I'm feeling into, wow, I'm in a new place because I was able to be in that discomfort. For a long time before becoming a parent, I was comfortable. I was on my schedule. I was doing what I wanted to do. I was like sleeping as long as I wanted to sleep. I was like designing my day, you know, like I was prioritizing things that I wanted to prioritize and it just changes. And I think I am a different but better person. I am stronger.

20:26Lindsey Simcik:I have more capacity. I am more confident. I am more agile. So just know that the discomfort has the power to give you all of those things and more. and it will pass. These first years are uncomfortable for the most part and they will bring you a level and a depth of joy that you have not experienced in your life thus far. A friend of mine said to me, my friend Carly, we were catching up last time I was in LA and she said, you know, someone told me that parenthood, you're, you know, you're not going to have a lot of fun, especially in those early years. Like it's not fun. You know, it's not fun to chase after your kid at a restaurant, right?

21:10Lindsey Simcik:It's not really fun to like fold their little laundry when you just want to sleep. But you will experience a kind of joy that is just so unique and so profound and not a lot of people will experience that. Like people who don't become parents. It's just a very specific type of joy. Not saying it's better or worse than others, but like it's just very specific. So I thought that was pretty profound because I was like, yeah. A lot of this isn't like I would say fun, but there's like a deep purposeful and profound experience in it that I would call a lot of the times joy. Okay, let's go to number two.

21:51Lindsey Simcik:The second thing that I wish that I would have known before becoming a parent, your relationship will change. even if you do everything right even if you center you you say you're going to center your marriage before you have the kid i remember literally specifically sean and i saying we will put our marriage first we come first because the health of our marriage affects the health of our child the experience that our child is having in the day-to-day their emotional health their mental health, everything. Yeah. I haven't had, I haven't been as consistent as I intended to. Okay. So let's talk partnership because I really, yeah, I was pretty confident that we were going to crush this.

22:41Lindsey Simcik:I really was. I, you know, I really believed like we were so solid. We communicate, we prioritize each other, we got this. And then Mav comes and we were like, okay, I still felt supported. I felt the love. I felt connection deeply. And you just look at your partner differently when they become a parent. It's like the sweetest, most joyful thing. But I obviously, as the primary parent, mother, birthing parent, had this primal focus on my child. And that just is. And that is normal. And that is necessary. This child cannot live without me. I am feeding the child. I am caring for the child. I am comforting the child.

23:36Lindsey Simcik:I am like all the things. I'm keeping them safe. Not that Sean's not doing some of those things, but like you get what I'm saying. And so this kind of builds up over time. And I wouldn't say that we were in the dumps at any point or like, oh, fuck, but we just had points throughout the last two and a half years where it would come to a little bit of a head where he's feeling, understandably so, like I'm not a priority. And that's like partly true and also partly me not having the bandwidth or the energy or focus to prioritize him in new ways, you know? So yeah, I just wanted to be honest about that because I think it's really important.

24:30Lindsey Simcik:So yeah, like I wouldn't say we became roommates running a small startup, you know what I mean? But like we, everything, a lot of things became logistics and kind of planning around the baby, you know, who's doing bedtime? Did you order wipes? Can you heat the bottle? Did he poop today? Like all of that. So like what was like romance and like connection all the time turned into kind of like operating a household very fast. and like I said it's not about the love disappearing it was just about my bandwidth disappearing you know you're tired your hormones are all over the place I didn't find myself like initiating sex like I used to or like you know just kind of being in that flow like I used to like he's used to so there's actually research from the Gottmans a popular research institute tooth that most couples experience a dip in relationship satisfaction after a baby.

25:27Lindsey Simcik:Normal. It made me feel so much better because I thought it was like we were doing something wrong. So if you're feeling like, oh gosh, we're, you know, one of those couples and we're never going to get back. No, it's normal. Like if we look at what's happening and the facts, like it's normal and it's actually very challenging to prioritize your marriage in that first year. Okay. What What helped us more than anything isn't the grand date nights in the beginning. Yes, we tried to thread those in. Like that was, you know, something we wanted to start doing. But it was more compassion from both of us.

26:02Lindsey Simcik:Like, hey, we're both fried. We're on the same team. You know, him understanding kind of what I'm doing on a day-to-day basis, kind of the physical demand, the emotional demand, my hormones going all over the place, feeling like a different person, my identity shifts. and him also feeling like he's deprioritized, feeling like, wow, I'm a dad now. What does that mean to him based on his history growing up? And like, there's just so many factors in this equation. It's very complex. So bringing compassion into the room via having conversations that are very honest, very forthright, very loving was so helpful.

26:45Lindsey Simcik:It's like, it's less less sexy, but more deep, you know? So I highly recommend if you're in the early throes of parenthood and you just feel disconnected from your partner, I would say, I mean, I could go on and on about what we can do. But I would say first and foremost, bring compassion into the room, bring it to the conversation, you know, sharing with each other how you've been feeling, sharing, no, no you statements like you never do this. You never do this. I've been feeling deprioritized. You know, I can imagine like with your focus being the baby now, like that is, that is real and that is true, but I just have been feeling deprioritized.

27:32Lindsey Simcik:It's hard for me because like, I just miss the days when, and in those conversations, it's actually cool because I think you're going to relate on a lot of things. You know, I remember having a conversation with my husband where I took a deep breath because we both literally said, like, I kind of at times miss our old life. We would never take it back. But like, there are moments where we're like, oh man, I wish we could just be spontaneous right now and go do whatever, you know? So that is my first line of defense when you are in the thick of it and your partnership just feels disconnected. Number three, let's get to it.

28:10Lindsey Simcik:I wish someone told me that you don't go back to your old life. I don't know. I knew I was going to be changed when I became a parent, but I thought that after a certain amount of months, I would go back to my workflow like I used to. I would go back to feeling good in my body the way I used to, feel the same in my body. um, that I would be able to like have the relationship with Sean, like I used to just all the things go back to normal after a certain period of time. And it took me while to accept that this is absolutely not true, like at all. And I think this is where a lot of women, especially get tripped up and maybe partners too, you know?

29:05Lindsey Simcik:I have a lot of compassion for myself during that time because I think there was a part of me that was fighting the fact that I had changed, you know? I was like, I kept waiting to feel normal again. Okay, when does life go back to what it was? When do I feel like my old self? And I was judgmental and I was like fighting it. And then I had this moment where I was like, oh my God, it doesn't. I think it was in therapy, to be honest. There's no going back. That version of me is done. Okay. One of my goals for 2026 was to actually train consistently. It's hard as a mom, but I'm doing it. I'm committed.