853. Married at 35, First Baby at 36 + Wanting More Kids: Age, Fertility & This Season of My Life

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1:11Hello, and welcome to the Almost 30 podcast. I'm Lindsay Simsek. This is a solo episode. Welcome to the show. If you've been here, you know the deal. We do solo episodes, both Krista and I individually, and then we interview some of the world's most incredible teachers, healers, experts on everything from health and wellness to spirituality, relationships, and so much in between. And I'm so grateful you're here. If you've been an OG fan, you know, we've been doing this for 10 years and I can't believe it. I can't believe we did not plan to do this for 10 years. So glad we have been so honored to just grow alongside so many of you.

1:53And I know we have new listeners. So people finding the podcast when, especially when they're moving through that transition from their 20s to their 30s, it's a big one. So much is happening. Feels maybe like your life is falling apart, but it's really coming together. Not to be cheesy, but it's true. um we write about it most recently in our new book called almost 30 a definitive guide to a life you love for the next decade and beyond and that is my plug and you can get it anywhere books are sold uh but let's get into this solo episode it's one that i've been sitting on for a while now i would say just been percolating um and i want to talk about the fact that i got married at 35, had my first baby at 36, and I want to have more children.

2:40I am in my later 30s. It is not the plan that I had for my life. I thought I was going to be married by 27, having a couple kids by 30, like just thought that would be my prime. And, you know, I think it can bring up a lot when your life doesn't happen the way you initially planned plan it or envision. But I've realized over the last, you know, 10 plus years that there's definitely a greater plan for my life that my own mind could never imagine. And there's like a sequencing that is very purposeful to these major milestones. You know, I wasn't meant to marry my now husband when I met him back in 2012.

3:35We actually weren't even meant to get together back in 2012. We got together in 2019 and then things kind of moved very quickly from there, getting engaged and married and then having our first child. And it had to happen that way. And I know I can say that now in retrospect, And that's, you know, the beauty of looking back and the privilege of looking back. But I use that intel from my life and apply it moving forward. So the fact that I want to have more kids, yet I'm approaching 40. And that brings up a lot for me. I am also very much trusting in the fact that I am meant to have more kids at this age for very particular reasons, whether it's biological, mental, spiritual, emotional, because I just believe that it's all by design and all on purpose.

4:30So today I want to talk about just this invisible timeline and shattering it and trusting in it, especially related to marriage and having kids or not having kids or starting a new career or whatever those milestones are for you. I do want to talk about how I'm thinking about fertility in my later 30s. And probably, you know, if I have a child in my 40s, and what that would look like. I'm 38 now. And just kind of like bringing you up to speed on this season of my life. So um where shall we begin uh how do I feel about my age I'm 38 this is how I feel I don't feel 38 um I feel like candidly I look younger now than I did at 27 when I was like drinking my face off and ordering late night food and going out every weekend and not treating my body well and doing HIIT workouts twice a day.

5:38I feel like I looked like I was doing all that stuff back in my late 20s. And now I just feel like I have a much healthier lifestyle. No, I'm not getting enough sleep because I have a toddler, but I just feel like I have so much more respect for my body. And because of that, I am so much more intentional about how I feed my body, you know, how I treat my body, how I listen to my body, how I move my body. And I'm proud of that. And there are also if I'm being honest days where I look at myself in the mirror, and I just feel like, wow, okay. I can I can honor the fact that I feel and look good for my age, generally speaking.

6:28But there are some days where I'm like, damn, those lines on my face, or wow, my body's changed, or looking back at a picture from my 20s or early 30s and being like, oh, will I ever get that back? Will I ever look like that again? And so I have my moments of feeling like deeply insecure. They don't last that long. But I do have those moments. And those are thoughts in my mind. I also have days where I do the math. You know, I think about, okay, so if I want to have another kid at 38, 39, then how old would that kid be? How old will I be when that kid is 30? You know, all these things. What if I have a third kid, and I'm 40, 41?

7:17What will that what will that mean? Like, will I be, you know, 85 at their college graduation, the math doesn't math that way. But, you know, your mind just goes there, I want to be as healthy and vital as possible for my kids. At every stage of their life, I know, that's not like totally realistic, as I get later, later, later in life. But yeah, I just think about that. And not that I'm afraid of death, but I do have thoughts about just not being able to show up in the way that I have always been able to, which is pretty healthy and energetic and all of that. So you just think about those things and I let myself think about those things, but I don't let myself harp on those things because I also know that my mind is so limited in what it can imagine and what it can logically kind of map out for my life.

8:20I think there are going to be advancements, you know, in the coming years and decades that will be really exciting for our health and wellness and vitality. I also just very much trust my own relationship with my body and that will take me on a journey that, um, yeah, we'll, we'll support the life that I want to have with my family, with my kids, with my friends, you know, with my creative life. And so I know it sounds a lot like there's a lot of woo woo in that, but it's, it's for me just about trusting and not getting so caught up in the spiral of, Oh my God, I'm getting older. What does this mean for my life?

9:03I want so many things. Will I be able to do them, achieve them, obtain them before a certain age? I've had to let that go. And it feels much better. You know, I believe very deeply that life is long. And if I am meant to have my body be this vessel for, you know, growing kids and raising young kids for the next however many years as fulfilling and fulfilling and as hard as it can be like I am going to pour my energy into that for those years and not try to you know get to the top of my career in that time if I'm being honest so I think also when we're thinking about age we just have to be realistic about what's a priority and realistic about the fact that

9:57Lindsey Simcik:hopefully life is long and that I could start a career at freaking 45 50 and have like a very decent amount of time to go all in on something that I'm super passionate about outside of my family so all of that is not how I always thought you know I grew up being fed that like build your career, build your career, build your career first, and then everything else can fall into place. But I, even though we've had obviously success, I've really shifted in thinking like I have to do it all before I have kids. And it's, it's, it's still flowing in the background, my creativity and pursuits and things, but it's definitely not my total priority.

10:49Lindsey Simcik:You guys, as the days get longer and warmer, which I am loving, I am leaning more into my strength training game. Yeah, me. And I've been loving it. And you all know we don't build muscle without protein. And I'm getting my typical proteins, but I also love bread and I'm not giving it up. That's where hero bread comes in. I'm all about easy, satisfying meals that fit my macros, if you will. I'm not counting them, but I'm just being mindful of getting my proteins and all the things. So I love that I can enjoy comfort food favorites like grab-and-go breakfast bagels and veggie-packed lunch wraps without worrying about my fiber or protein goals.

11:28Lindsey Simcik:I recently tried their Hero Noodles as well and was totally blown away. They have 12 grams of protein and only 80 calories per serving, plus 11 to 32 grams of fiber, depending on the product. Fiber is so important. I actually had a blood test six months ago that just gave me all the indication I needed more fiber. So this has really been a part of what's been helping me. And the texture of these breads is amazing. I'm not just saying this. They are soft, fluffy, and way better than you'd expect for low-neck carb baked goods, whether it's the wraps, the bagels, sliced bread, or even the insanely delicious Hero pain au chocolat and croissants.

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14:15Lindsey Simcik:This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. So March is all about celebrating women and everything they carry at work, at home, in relationships, and in the countless roles they hold every single day. I want to take a moment to celebrate a woman who has made a lasting impact on me, my mother. She is just the strongest, the kindest, the most giving, generous, warm angel on earth, just the way she shows up for others, for her family. But we all know how much women carry, and I've seen her carry a lot throughout her life. And sometimes that means that our own emotional well-being gets put on the back burner.

14:52Lindsey Simcik:I've experienced that. I've seen her experience that. That's why therapy is such a powerful, powerful space to pause, reflect, and care for yourself in the way you deserve. I have gone to therapy for the last, oh gosh, I think like seven years. My mom has done therapy. It's been amazing. BetterHelp makes it simple with licensed, fully trained therapists and a therapist match commitment. Just answer a short questionnaire and BetterHelp finds a therapist aligned with your goals. And if the match isn't perfect, you can switch at any time. It's easy. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform with over 30 ,000 therapists and an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 based on over 1.7 million client reviews.

15:34Lindsey Simcik:It works and it's a place to feel lighter, supported, and seen. Your emotional wellbeing matters. So sign up and get 10 % off at betterhelp.com slash almost 30. That's betterhelp.com slash almost 30. the other thing I want to just touch on that I think a lot of people mull over when they're thinking about their age and how they feel about their age is just what everyone else tells them about their age you know we are able to see into people's highlight reel on Instagram and TikTok and all these things and make assumptions without knowing who that person is, what made them who they are, their daily life, their hardships, their struggles.

16:21And so we can put this just like insane pressure on ourselves to be everything and to look and feel and act as young as possible. And I also feel like we have pressure around us. that's like the clock is ticking, you're losing time, you know, the body starts to lose quality of your eggs at a certain point. There's all these things that I'm not saying aren't true, but it's a lot. It's a lot of information. It's a lot to digest. And it's general information. Sometimes, you know, biologically speaking, you might be perfectly healthy and fertile well into your mid forties. Um, there are tests you can do to kind of check on that, et cetera, but we can't take what we are consuming online, especially as Bible, you know, as the end all be all, and then make it our truth and then live our life.

17:23According to that, I think we have to get to know ourselves as deeply as possible during this time. So on a health level, spiritual level, mental level, and try to block out some of the noise. Because you are meant to follow a path that is not like anyone else's. And I know that's hard for us to wipe when we are consuming everyone else's life all the time. But it's really important that we revisit that truth that my life is not going to look like another person's life. I can be inspired sure by other people's life life, but I can't get it twisted. I can't think that just because say, I don't look like, um, the pregnant mom at 40.

18:13Uh, if I get pregnant at 40, we don't look the same or experiencing the same gorgeous, beautiful, amazing pregnancy, that there's like something wrong with me, we're just having a different experience. And it's it's meant to be that way. And if we're talking about late motherhood, specifically, the statistics are that women are having children later, like well into their 30s, it used to be younger. But it is a fact that it's more common in their 30s and even their early 40s. I live in Brooklyn. I see 40, 45-year-old moms, you know, pregnant women walking around all the time. And it's been rising for decades.

18:56Birth rates for women in their 40s has continued to increase in recent years. I think there's many reasons for that. I think, you know, a lot of women are building their careers early on. That's a choice. I think some women are waiting to meet their person, their partner, and that takes a little bit longer. I think some people are just grappling with the question of do I want to have kids? And all of these things are really important not to rush, right? Like these are huge decisions. The person that you're going to be with for the rest of your life, hopefully, is a huge decision. And so I actually think it's overall a good sign that we are being more thoughtful about this and taking our time and not being so hasty with these major, major decisions like having children, like getting married.

19:50So overall, I think it's a good thing. I wouldn't, I don't know if I would be able to, ready to receive or be the same type of mom at 27 or 29 than I am now at 38, right? Like I have so much more life experience. I've done so much more work on myself. I feel like I'm so much more aware and have just a better head on my shoulders. And I just, I take that very seriously in terms of my own timeline and why it happened that way. But a lot of you might be thinking, okay, yeah, like it might be better that I am waiting for the right partner and I'm being mindful about when I have kids and working on myself and being more stable than I was when I was younger.

20:36Great. But there's also a reality in the room that fertility, there is a window of fertility. Everyone's window is different. some people are very fertile fertile well into their 40s some people have kind of a drop off earlier than that some people you know have trouble with their egg quality sometimes it's the sperm quality some like there are so many things that have to go right in order to get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy so many some that we don't even know there is a stout out there that I've read a couple times. So I'm assuming it's close to truth, but it says that after 40, your likelihood of getting pregnant naturally drops to about 10%.

21:34I don't think that's true for everyone. I do believe that the quality of our eggs or the quantity of our eggs does go down into certain points. We need to be mindful of that. Um, this stat doesn't scare me, I think, because through my process of just being in relationship with my body, I would say over the last 1015 years, plus being in process with my pregnancy experience, which I haven't shared my very nonlinear pregnancy journey yet publicly, I will eventually, I think probably over in my momplex world on Substack or the like. But what I will say is that through those experiences, whether of loss or disappointment or, you know, not being my timing, I've learned to trust my body.

22:35And I know the body's incredibly intelligent. And I know that I am able to get pregnant, I am able to create a healthy child. And so if that doesn't happen for me, at any point, I know that there is something happening that my body is detecting. and I think I trust as I get older and near my 40s and into my 40s that if I'm meant to have more kids, I will. I will do everything in my power to support my fertility and my health and my longevity, but I also just have a deep trust in the intelligence of my body. I did want to share a stat that I think got me excited.

23:29there was a few studies actually. There are multiple long-term studies that have shown an association, not causation, between having a child later in life and the odds of living to an older age. So it doesn't mean that if you have a child at 40, that that will cause you to live longer. But what it means is that there are factors in your biology and the way you're made up that allows you to have kids at a later age, which indicate that might also help you to live a longer life. So it's just really, um, an association. It's an indicator. Um, so that excited me because I want to be around as long as possible for my kids.

24:13We'll see. That's the plan. The last thing I'll say about having kids later, and this is, you know, obviously my journey, what I will say, and this might be controversial if I had gotten together with my husband earlier you know of all these things that happened earlier I would have started having kids earlier I've always known I wanted to be a mom that's always been a part of what's felt very true and natural to me and if I could have started before what was it 30 I think I was 30 I was 35, but then I turned 36 or I turned 36 a couple weeks after Matt was born. I would have started earlier. I feel very blessed that I'm able to and all, you know, all is well.

25:06But I think I would have started a little bit earlier. So if you, this is what I will say. And again, please take what lands and leave what doesn't. But if you are with the person that you want to be with. I think sometimes we prioritize building all of our individual successes and reaching those goals prior to having kids just because we feel like we will lose that once we have kids and we push off having kids because of that. I will just say that kids are going to bring a motivation, inspiration to your life, just this dynamic nature to your life that will, I think, enhance what you are doing.

25:58Sure, you might pause on some of your professional pursuits for a little bit, especially the primary caregiver. But I just think we talk ourselves out of this and feel like we need to reach a certain level in life and then have kids. But I actually feel like we can be a little bit more nuanced about it. I think we can actually think about bringing kids in if we have our foundational securities set, like having a loving, supportive, amazing partner, like whatever's important to you. Maybe a home is important to you. Maybe having one of the people in the relationship have a stable job is important to you.

26:45Maybe being close to family is important to you. If you have those foundational things, I would, I would start. So I would start a little bit earlier. I wouldn't start in my 20s, that's for damn sure. But you know, early 30s, I would have started. So that's what I'll say about that to each their own yada yada.

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29:23That's one of my non-negotiables when it comes to cookware. I have the four-piece cookware set, two always pans and two perfect pots. It's a great set. This covers almost everything and it replaces a whole stack of like bulky pans I used to have. You can sear, saute, steam, bake, boil, everything. And buying the full set saves you I think like$150 plus they all match in those gorgeous colors. You can have these on your stovetop just to display and people will be like wait what are those? Those are beautiful. I also have the dream cooker which is phenomenal. It's a pressure cooker. It's a slow cooker.