855. Relationship Advice with K+L: Feel Secure, Stop Overthinking + Choose Better

21:59Lindsey Simcik:Again, my favorite is the chocolate, but they have other flavors that are just so delicious. Check it out paleovalley.com slash almost 30 or use code a 30 at checkout for 15 % off. okay next question okay okay i'm deep in therapy and realizing how much resentment i still carry towards my parents um or i'm yeah still carry towards my parents i know this is part of healing but i feel like really angry right now how do i stay in the process without getting stuck in blaming them or being bitter. I remember this point in therapy very, very well where we were, you know, at that point in the process of my therapist getting to know me where I'm like sharing like about my childhood and how I was brought up and my parents and their background and all the things.

22:55Lindsey Simcik:And, you know, sometimes I think therapists should kind of preface that part of therapy where they're like, you might get resentful, but know that on the other side, there is going to be compassionate feeling because I feel like I was there for a bit. And then when I would see my parents, I would just kind of have this weird resentment energy around them that really colored my experience of them in the present. And I wasn't able to access any compassion. So one, I would just say this is a part of the process. This is totally normal to feel resentment and anger about like how you were brought up or certain experiences or patterns between you and your parents or between them or the family dynamic.

23:41Lindsey Simcik:Maybe it's an enmeshment or codependency or any of that. And very soon, I feel like hopefully in therapy, you'll be brought through this process of reparenting yourself and finding, you know, kind of that healing and power that you have in this present moment to be what you needed back then. And I found that after I went through that, I looked at my parents almost more as the children that are kind of governing their every decision and every move, you know, because they didn't go through therapy like I'm going through. And so through my own process, I actually was able to see them through a different lens.

24:31And I think the resentment in particular, to be honest, and maybe this isn't like super

24:37Lindsey Simcik:helpful, but I just didn't want to be resentful. You know, it was like an energy that just felt so heavy, felt so not me. And so it almost felt better to like kind of visualize putting it down. And then standing up really proud as like the adult that I am. And being able to walk into situations with my parents in the present day and just at the forefront remember to whatever capacity I have to remember why they are the way they are. and to have compassion for that and a lot of love and know that I'm in a place that I can be in a room with them and self-regulate. I can be my own best friend, be my own cheerleader if need be.

25:29Lindsey Simcik:And I don't know, it was a process. It's not going to happen tomorrow. But I think sticking with the process and maybe talking to your therapist about this very particular feeling of, I'm nervous, I'm going to be angry for a while. Perhaps they can walk you through kind of this next step of therapy, which in a lot of situations is reparenting yourself through EMDR or other modalities. Yeah. I think it's a thing to celebrate. If you're angry, it means you're acknowledging the truth of what is, and you've made progress from moving the unconscious to the conscious. And that's a part of the therapeutic process is recognizing the unconscious things that have been holding you back, the unconscious ways your parents have impacted you.

26:16And so it's a thing to celebrate, to be like, I've recognized this. And then you've actually moved from the consciousness state because you just become aware. And then you're like, whoa, I'm aware. And then you move to emotion where then the emotion comes in of the anger, frustration, and then you move to grief and there's a journey with it. So it's actually a part of the therapeutic process to move through stages of emotions and it's good to be in anger. I think maybe there's a judgment about anger being bad. Like, oh, anger is bad. Maybe I'm afraid to feel angry. I'm afraid to feel mad at my parents that doesn't feel like it's okay.

26:47And so there oftentimes is like a censoring part when we go to therapy where we're like, oh, I'm recognizing that my dad never really like protected me, never really provided for me in a real emotional way. And I'm angry about that, but I shouldn't be mad at my dad because my dad did his best and my dad tried and my dad had a lot going on. And so you have this polarization of the truth of how you feel, the anger of not being with a father that was a good father. And then you have the part of you that's judging that because you think you have to love your father. He has to be perfect and right.

27:22And both of those are parts, you know, that you can work with. And And the truth is that there's like an experience beyond both of those that you can have where you're in right relationship with your father as a person and a human where they're off the pedestal. They're off like this belief that they need to be something for you. And I think a lot of the process in therapy is recognizing that your parents are never going to live up to your standards or your expectations of what you believe a mother and father should be. And I think that's when we can really have liberation. So I think feeling the anger is really good.

27:51I think feeling the emotion is good. you can pull back from your parents and maybe process it with your therapist and go through your own process of an anger and then a grief that you were never met in the way you should have been. You were never held in the way you should have been. You were never loved in the way that you should have been. And most people weren't, you know, so most people weren't taken care of in the way that they wanted. So I think it's something to be good. I know there's like a big conversation online about going no contact with parents. Have you seen that? Yes. and that might be something you want to kind of take a break.

28:23I don't, I know that's a kind of a charge topic. I feel, what do you feel about it? I feel like, I feel like temporarily it was supportive for me at points in time in my journey, you know, college when I had to individuate from them and I had to learn who I was and how I felt and what I wanted. And so I think I took maybe me six months off, nothing crazy, a year. I think as far as healing goes, I think you're potentially missing out on a deep opportunity to heal and grow. But then also some people, you are just continuing to harm yourself in the same way over and over again. So I don't have an answer or a preference for people, but I do, at the highest spiritual platitude level of the belief of the truth in healing is that you are ignoring something that you could eventually heal through and it could eventually help you, but I just don't know.

29:18How do you feel?

29:21Lindsey Simcik:Yeah, I, I agree. I think there are cases and scenarios where it could be helpful for a period of time. I think like maybe the healthiest expression of that would involve a conversation rather than just like completely cutting off without any explanation. Because I think that could be a healthy part of the process of communication, of being honest, of creating a boundary with your family or parents. But I agree. I think there's like... You know, I have the belief that we choose our parents. I think we are on a very specific path with our parents in what they have taught us, what they haven't, what they were for us, what they weren't.

30:09And so...

30:11Lindsey Simcik:yeah, I think my inclination would be to want to lean into it. But there have definitely been times when I've just like created a little bit of distance, I think more subconsciously. I don't think I made a conscious choice, but it was just kind of time to take a moment. And I just didn't feel connected or seen. And I just needed to, in your case too, like individuate. But I just think there's opportunity, you know, and I think we just need to check in with ourselves, whether it's like, no, this is like the healthy choice or is this just the avoidant choice? Totally.

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34:13I think, yeah, there's like situations with people where I just could never imagine what it would be like to be a something, you know what I mean? Parents are so manipulative or so maybe that is the best for them in their path and they just bless them and go on their own way.

34:26Lindsey Simcik:And I think sometimes I've experienced this where like, I just need to create a little distance because in being so exposed to a parent on a consistent basis, I'm unable to like detach from the intense emotional reaction I have, you know? So like creating distance, then I'm able to kind of sit with that. I'm able to process that. I'm able to maybe further understand where they are on their path. And then when we come together, I feel like that's as like human design, emotional authority, I feel like I have that wave. So I'm like, I need to wait until it settles a little bit in order to come into a situation with a bit more like groundedness and logic.

35:15Lindsey Simcik:And that's been helpful because I don't really like the reactive, like frustrated version of myself that's like with this person on a consistent basis. I'd rather create a little space, understand myself and maybe the other person a little bit better and then return. And I think what's heartbreaking for some people too related to their parents is that I don't know if they're going to change. For sure. Most likely they're not at this age. For sure. In a profound way. I think it happens. Absolutely. I've seen a lot of parents change recently. That was crazy. I agree. My mom is like very in your mom.

35:49Lindsey Simcik:I feel like there's been a lot of transformation. So I think it's specific to the person, but I do think a lot of times, like there's not a lot of growth. Growth. Yeah, for sure. And I mean, you can't be with them expecting them to change. Yeah. No, no, no. No one. Yeah. No, you know, expecting them. So I would celebrate it as a win. I would not judge yourself for the feeling of anger because potentially you were judged for that as a kid. You know, a lot of kids were not allowed to feel anger. Feeling is good. Allow yourself to express what's coming up. Use therapy as a space to allow the angry part to fully be present and fully be there and just see it as a part of the progress of the process.

36:26Like it's not bad to feel angry and it's not all of you. You know, it's a little part of you that's like recognizing the truth in what's going on. So it's great. Totally.

36:36Lindsey Simcik:Great. Okay. Next question. I'm a new mom and feel completely overwhelmed and touched out. My husband feels more like my roommate than a partner. How do you reconnect when I barely have energy to shower, let alone be like physical or romantic? I know our two cats, they've been, they've been crazy. What? They're keeping, our cats are keeping us up all night. Oh. impacting our intimacy. You're touched out. I'm touched out by the babies. They were actually keeping it. They've been like just scattering all night. Last night, like it was like 4 a.m. and they're just sitting on their little perch. Like they have a little cat tower by the bed.

37:19And they're just one on top, one on the bottom, just ominously looking at us, meowing.

37:23Lindsey Simcik:Meowing? Just meowing. And John Mark goes, can I throw an airpod at them? And I go, no, you may not. He goes, can I jump? And I said, sure, you can jump. and he jumps out of the bed and they're like they like scurry out of the room he's like that felt so good i'm like great we gotta work on this i know i'm like i i had to give it to him though because at that point it was like complete with the hour of meowing oh yeah yeah that we were under that we were under but okay so yeah when there's a when there's i mean it's it's not no it is like it's just it's another part of the equation you know as you like get deeper relationship.

38:00Lindsey Simcik:You involve your pets, you involve your family, you involve your children. Like there's just things that get added to the equation that can draw your attention, your energy, employer focus. This is like a very pertinent topic for me right now. My husband and I just had like a, I feel like we do this every maybe few months to six months where, yeah, we're just like, ah, like we, we need to come back to the conversations that we were having before we had kids, I had a kid, which is like, we are committed to prioritizing our marriage first and knowing that that is really good and really healthy for our entire family, for everything.

38:48Lindsey Simcik:And And I was just, you know, to validate the mom in the situation, I was explaining to him, I'm like, there is just like this primal, biological, emotional experience I have that is like, it's hard for me to pull out of at times and be everything to everyone. You know, make sure that I'm giving you enough attention, make sure I'm tending to Mav. Like, there's just such a complex experience that I'm having that it can overwhelm me at times. And then I become kind of inactive around what I know needs to happen because I'm just like, I can't deal with this. Mav needs me to survive, right? In so many ways as a two-year-old.

39:48Lindsey Simcik:But I really am deeply committed to ways in which I can tend to my marriage because I feel better. Sean feels better. I see Mav benefit from our dynamic being healthy. um so what i would say practically is first of all i think just an honest conversation and i know sometimes it could be overwhelming because i do think that there are things that are going to be said in these conversations that might feel so true they hurt you know um whether it's like you know you never touched me anymore like if your husband's like you haven't touched me in a year like or initiated anything in a year. That's like hard to hear.

40:36Lindsey Simcik:That's like, because you're like, oh, of course I want to touch you. Of course. Like, but the truth is you haven't. And so I do think it's healthy to get things on the table. And I think it's really important that you also express

40:55what you need because I think the reality of being touched out, the reality of being so tired

41:04Lindsey Simcik:is just what it is in the early stages of parenthood. You are very, very, very tired and touched out. And so is there a way in which the path to intimacy and connection can be actually mapped out between you two. And it's kind of unsexy. It's like, oh, we have to follow this every time. But eventually it just becomes the way in which you move. So for example, instead of when, if your husband comes home and he's all over you and you're like, get off me. This is a lot. Or you're just like, oh, I need a moment. Maybe you can tell him, I love that you are so touchy with me. It makes me feel so loved and so wanted.

41:51Lindsey Simcik:I think I need a step in between to kind of get me into the receiving mode of that because I'm going from mom to this other mode. Can you come and give me a hug and tell me something that you love about me or that you're thankful for. I mean, because that gets me kind of in the emotional relaxed state of like, okay, that's what I need to feel in here. And then we can kind of go to the next level. It's kind of like first base, second base, third base. Sometimes men are just like, I want to be physical. I want to like feel my wife. I want to like go there. So I think you can be specific, map it out.

42:32Lindsey Simcik:And you can talk through this. It doesn't have to be orders. It's like, how does that feel to you? How can we make this doable? And then I think also the reality of the situation is coming back, when you're kind of coming back to that part of you that maybe you were pre-kids where there was kind of the spontaneity and sexuality and intimacy that was a part of your rhythm on a regular basis, you're going to need to push yourself a little bit. Like it's going to feel like it's outside of your comfort zone. You might feel awkward. You might be in a different relationship with your body. Like there might be a lot of things that you're just like, your mind's like, I don't want to do this.

43:17Lindsey Simcik:But there's a part of you that's like, when you are in it, you're like, this is beautiful. And this is so nice. And this is why, why aren't we doing this every day or every week or whatever it is? So I do think the reality is, is that you might need to push yourself to initiate. But once you're in the moment, I do think we are reminded of like why this is so amazing and why this is so important. So just know that it might feel just a little funky. Obviously, you have to discern what feels like wrong and what just feels a little bit like uncomfortable in the moment because you haven't been doing it.

43:55Lindsey Simcik:And then third, my husband and I are now, And I have kind of planned this where we are carving out time every single week, a pretty big chunk where we have a babysitter coming on the weekends, for example, on a Saturday, 12 to 6. And we have a day date. And we go and we take a walk. We go out to lunch. We catch up on things. We can visit with friends. We can go get a pedicure. We can get them, like, whatever we want to do. but having that time to look forward to every single week, like it's an immovable thing on the calendar, I think will reorient you around the importance of tending to your relationship.

44:45Lindsey Simcik:And so easily in parenthood, those things get pushed aside because you're like, well, you know, well, Mav like has a nap and like, I don't want the babysitter to put him down. And then like, he has this thing in the afternoon and I should be there. And you just have to be careful because that could happen over and over and over. And then all of a sudden you're three years in and you haven't gone on a date with your husband. And so what's going to happen when your kids go to college and you're back in the house, just you two. So even though it feels a little uncomfortable at times to make this such a priority, I do know that it is so, so worth it.

45:27Lindsey Simcik:And I want to make it just a part of our regular flow now as a couple. I want Mav to see this. I want Mav to get used to it. I want him to, yeah, I mean, he does see the love between us. We're very conscious to express that in front of him. But I think it's important that he feels the energy of the house after mommy and daddy have had solid time together every single week where we make that our priority. I think this is something I've heard from almost all women I know that have had children and having this experience of reorienting to a different type of touch energy and a different type of connection and a different connection to their body and things.

46:11I think it's very normal and it's very natural. I think the only thing that I would say is that my hope is that in my future, I'm in a relationship with a man that, and I think you guys have this, but that's also carrying the load of the health of our relationship. And so that she's not, this person is not the only one that's feeling responsible for maintaining the type of connection that you both want to. Because if you're already with the kids doing everything, and then you're also having to think about, is he physically satisfied? And all of that, it's like that's where it kind of feels unfair.

46:47And so having someone and giving them the permission potentially of like, hey, when we go to children and have kids, I want you to also be super vocal with me about the health of our relationship, help hold that load for me to make sure that we're both feeling really good. Because I think it would feel a lot to also feel like you're responsible for maintaining the health of your marriage or your relationship.

47:13Lindsey Simcik:But ours was so uneven. I felt like Sean was initiating these conversations. He was asking, can we do date nights? And I was very like, yeah, but this weekend, I just feel like I didn't spend time with Mav on this day. And then I want to be... Totally. I was always, always, always thinking about Mav, which is not a bad thing. And he doesn't think it's a bad thing. It just is reality. So he was feeling like I didn't really care. I didn't want to initiate. Totally. So you're right. Like that imbalance can just be kind of insidious, you know, and just sharing the load, I think. And it's not a load.

47:51You know, ideally it doesn't feel like a chore, but it's just like, yeah, being attuned to like when things feel like we've gotten a little off track.

48:01Lindsey Simcik:Okay. And like when you feel that immediately you can bring it to each other.

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53:39Okay. The higher vision is we want to have the basis of our family, be our marriage and our relationship. Okay. Good point. That brings me up out of this feeling that I need to be with Mav 24 seven, And that brings me to the recognition that there is alignment to this higher vision. So I think when you have a higher vision for your relationship and how you want to orient yourselves, it also makes it easier because then you're like, oh yeah, shoot. It's not about this thing. It's not about that thing. It's about this that will orient. So how do we come back to this feeling like the truth? And so I think that values alignment can be really, really good too.

54:15Lindsey Simcik:So yeah, agreed. Agreed. Hope that was helpful. Okay, last question. I have a friend I've known forever, but lately every interaction leaves me feeling really drained. We've grown in different directions. I feel guilty even. I've been thinking about pulling away a little bit. How do you honor the history you have with a friend without betraying yourself? Yeah, I think this is a question I get with a lot of my clients. and here's a conversation in the ether of like, how do you honor long-term relationships even though you don't feel aligned anymore? Which can be challenging. I think there is a point or there is a point in your spiritual path and your spiritual growth and development where sometimes you do have to pull back from those types of relationships and reorient yourself because it's almost like when you become a new version of you, maybe your friends from home are all victim mentality.

55:11they watch gossip TV, they engage just in like lower vibrational activities, we'll say. If you're new on the path and you just started meditating three months ago, you might be more susceptible to fall back into those old patterns, routines, and habits. And so it's good for you to take a step back to create your own reality, your new paradigm, and really settle into the new identity and then go back into the relationship because you can be tempted to fall out of that new identity, being back in those spaces with those people. You know, if you are the five people that you spend the most time with, you do want to be really making sure that like they're in alignment to who you want to become.

55:51And so it can make sense to take a little bit of a break with people. It can make sense to, to shift the dynamic of the relationship. And I don't think that there's anything wrong with that. I would get curious about, I think for me, what I've done is, because I have friends like this, from home, from different aspects of my life that aren't in sort of my work, my reality, personal growth, self-development, et cetera. And I think when I released them from the belief that they had to be on a path that looked like mine or that was similar to mine or even be doing anything that I do and just, I could see and meet them for who they are.

56:33And I sound holier than thou and kind of patronizing saying this, but like, really I was just like, my God, we have, this is, I kind of put them in a box of, this is like someone I've known forever that makes me laugh, that knows a lot about my past. And I'm not going to see them as someone that inspires me on a daily basis to, you know, grow my business. Like I have friends for different things. And so just kind of putting them in a box mentally, and that's the friendship edit in a sense of like who they are to you and what they can bring to your life and then release them from this belief that they need to be anything more.

57:04Lindsey Simcik:Yes. Yeah, completely. I think that's so good. And I would just say, I think we can respect the cyclical or natural evolution of a relationship. I think there's something about knowing someone from a young age where we categorize them as someone we need to be in touch with forever, especially if we have a lot of history and it feels like you're a bad person if all of a sudden you're not in touch. And I've done this where I just judge myself. I'm like, I'm being a bad friend. What does this mean about me? And I just feel like I've found a lot more peace and understanding when I've just allowed the natural evolution of a relationship to happen.

57:54Lindsey Simcik:And it might mean they come back and it might mean they don't. And we have to be okay with both scenarios. If we want to get into the nuance, like you have to discern whether this is worthy of a conversation. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. You know, it can get more complex or more simple depending. But yeah, I found just a lot of freedom in knowing that like some people are in your life for a recent season or lifetime, LOL, quote on a pillow. But it's true, you know, and knowing that like life is long and that I might meet someone tomorrow that I'm friends with for 20 years, 30 years, you know, or that's a lifelong friend.

58:37Lindsey Simcik:And it doesn't just have to be my third grade bestie. That is the one that I keep forever. It's like, I can meet them tomorrow slash you are one of those. So it's like, yeah I just think like we have to kind of look at our programming and what we think is like right and good and um just trust the evolution of relationships when they happen yeah I completely agree and just maybe you know protect your energy do a little energy bubble send some energy back to her maybe you're so tired from hanging out because you're faking it and you're not being yourself and you feel like you have to be someone that you're not and so you can liberate yourself to be more of yourself rather than lowering yourself to whatever energy or frequency they're on.

59:20So it's just, it's all opportunity for you to be better, for you to sculpt who you are and what you want out of friendships and relationships. I think it can only be good. Dude, there was this ending on that period, the end. There's this one thing with friendship that I've been thinking about a lot lately.

59:35Lindsey Simcik:This is like a total, not a total side, but like a right turn. Just with like, for me, and I think I was talking about this with you yesterday, it's like, I think there's this belief because our lives are so convenient. We get Amazon delivers everything, food delivers everything. We can get everything at the click of a button. You know, AI creates everything, writes our emails, does nothing. Like, it's like that, like, relationships should be really easy and like simple. And I'm like, friendships require you to do things you don't want to do. Yeah. Sometimes you're going to go to a birthday and you're not going to like all their friends at the birthday, but like you're there for their birthday and it's actually not about you.

1:00:16Sometimes you're going to go to a wedding and you're not going to have your friends spend as much time with you as you would want. And there's so many situations where I'm always blown away at like how convenient people want their friendships and relationships to be. And I'm like, friendships actually are a lot of inconvenience. It's someone calling you at a time where you don't have time to answer. Someone asking for something where you don't really know how to answer the question or like someone bringing up something to you at a time that doesn't feel easy or convenient. It's like, that's kind of the rules of the game is that it doesn't always feel convenient or easy or whatever.

1:00:52Like I was at a birthday recently and one of her like really, really good friends that I know is really good friends with her, like wasn't there. And And she's like, oh, I just didn't like the theme or whatever. Like, didn't, I'm like, what?

1:01:07Lindsey Simcik:Yeah, what do you mean? It doesn't, it's not about you. Like, I just, that type of mentality, I'm just like, how would you have any relationships in life when you literally like, oh, this is inconvenient for me. I'm not interested in this personally, even though this is someone I love's thing. Because I do think so much of what relationships are, are like healthy compromise. where we put down our, you know, egos and whatever. And we're just like, you know what, this is important to this person. I actually would find a lot of joy in indulging them. Totally. Great. You know, it's, and so, yeah, I completely agree.

1:01:44Lindsey Simcik:It's like, and if I've learned anything in my thirties about friendship, it's that it does take work and that conscious relationships aren't just the easy, like fairytale relationships. They are the ones that call you into the deepest growth, like the most challenging moments and conversations. And on the other side, there is a depth and connection and trust and respect that like, I truly desire in a relationship. Like it's the relationship that I really want, not just the, we're best friends. We talk all the time. We laugh all the time. It's like, No, there's that aspect of depth and true safety.

1:02:25Yeah, true safety. Totally. I was just like, wow, this is like a fascinating thing. And I think for this person, I've seen there was like a few situations with this and it's with this person kind of doing things like that. And they try and be close to me. And I'm like, always like in my head, like, why would I get really close to you when I feel like you don't show up for people? like in a way like I don't know it feels interesting to me very interesting very interesting and no shade they're fucking cool I love them definitely want them in my life and they're never going to know who this is but um it just I've noticed that so much with social media and I think with how things are going and people like I have boundaries I'm like you know I need to take care of myself self-care or like you know da da da I'm like yeah like the price of relationship is, I mean, they've said this before in quotes, is inconvenience.

1:03:18The price of being in relation with someone is not having it be like the easiest thing or like everything is perfect. Like that's what it is. That's what true relationship is. Yes.

1:03:30Lindsey Simcik:Yes. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. Show up for your friend's birthday theme parties. God, show the frick up. Show up. Okay. That was a good one. Send this to a friend, Start some conversation. I love when I have conversations with my friends about podcasts that I listen to or things that we've heard. It's just such a good conversation starter. You can even have it for a girl's night. What would you do in this situation? How would you answer this? Thank you for subscribing and reviewing. It means so much when you go to Spotify and just give us a five-star and some love, even on Apple Podcasts.

1:04:02And you can also listen to Morning Microdose. It's ad-free. It's just inspiration. It's five to 10 minutes, five days a week. And it's just an incredible morning routine to your day, the morning microdose. Almost 30 podcast on TikTok and Instagram. And you can find me on Instagram at itskrista.

1:04:18Lindsey Simcik:And I'm at Lindsay Simsek. We love you guys. Thank you so much for listening. We'll see you on the next one. We'll see you soon, guys. Bye.