857. From Burnout to Desire: Reclaiming Your Body + Sex Life

27:51Like if they're, you know, this isn't so easy when that's the case, but he immediately started shifting when I started shifting. So you have to be able to like know yourself and be able to articulate to your partner, this is what I need in a healthy way. So you say, so there's like three steps to that. You know, you have to say, this is what I'm noticing, the story I have. This is how it's making me feel physically. And this is what I want. So I went to him and I was like, you know, I love you so much. And I have this story that you've been really angry lately, just this low grade burning anger.

28:26It's just a simmer, but it feels like you've been snapping at me a lot. And I noticed when I'm around you, my stomach feels clenched and my heart feels closed. And I don't want to feel like that. So what I want is for maybe you, if you're willing to put some attention on that. I'm going to put attention on being more loving and open-hearted and not judgmental of you, but I would love if you would join me there. What, how did he reply? Okay.

28:54But he's used to me, you know, this is how we operate. Yeah. Right? He's used to it. Yep. So I think, and that's what's so interesting in relationships is realizing how much when you shift, they shift. Huge. Huge. Like it is so, I always thought, I didn't know. I always didn't believe that could be true or maybe I didn't, I wanted to be so far into victim. So it's having the basic communication, having the self-awareness and things. I think understanding the state of your relationship too, of like where you're kind of at with things. Like, do you feel safe? Do you feel like you trust them? Do you feel like you're able to go deeper?

29:29What would you say to women? You know, a lot of women right now, they're incredibly burnt out and they're out of touch and they have low libido and their hormones are off and they're not feeling like they want to have sex or what would you say to them? Well, thank goodness the Health and Human Services just came out of the government at the day we're recording this and announced they're going to take the black box warning off estrogen finally after 20 years, which makes me so happy. Because what does that mean? Well, basically 20 years ago, there was this study, the Women's Health Initiative that was so flawed.

30:04I was screaming from the rooftops at the time about it, but no one was listening, but basically where they claimed that estrogen causes breast cancer. And then every woman in America was ripped off her hormones. And the next 20 years, women have been suffering in silence through perimenopause and menopause, not just with a lack of estrogen support, but testosterone, which plays a huge role in desire and response. And so starting in your like mid to late 30s, you're going to start having some of these hormonal symptoms. If you are seriously stressed, which you're referring to most women today are, that actually causes an increase of a protein in your blood that binds more testosterone to your cells, making it unavailable for the body to use for things like desire and sexual response.

30:55Then if you're on hormonal contraceptives, which many women in their perimenopause years are, that binds up more testosterone. So if you're a woman who is stressed in her mid to late 30s, much less if you're on hormonal contraceptives, your free circulating testosterone is pretty darn low, most likely. And you're going to have low libido, low genital and nipple sensation, difficulty getting aroused, rows, low energy, low general sense of well-being. That all is part of testosterone. So yeah, hormonal support, especially for that age group and beyond is really important. But what I find is that we have a whole, and I'm one of these women too.

31:40I mean, my mother put me to bed every night making me promise I would never depend on a man, right? Oh my God, my mom too. Oh, I mean, God bless her, but she did so much. I know it was coming from the right place, But it messed me up. Always keep your girlfriends. Always keep your own bank account. Like, yeah, me too. Like I'm 12. I know. I know. That was after she put me to bed every night making me promise I'd be president, which, of course, I didn't reach that. I didn't I didn't accomplish that promise. But what I think, you know, that's kind of an extreme. Our mothers are extremes. But pretty much every woman, if you're, you know, under if you're 50 or below, you were raised to be like, I can do whatever guys do.

32:22I can do it all. I need to do it all. The only way I'm going to be safe is if I can do it all. I don't need a man, right? And there is, we don't need, right? We don't, that's good, okay? You want to be your whole complete cake and whoever you're with should be the icing. And not but, it has a shadow side where we feel that the only way anything can be done right is if we do it ourselves and we won't let anyone help. And we're scared of being a burden. And we think we're weak if we allow help. I can't tell you how many women say to me who are dating and looking for love, you know, well, men don't want to date me because I'm too successful.

33:02And I'm like, no, that's not it. It's that he can't see a place where he can be of service. That doesn't mean he has to support you or take care of you. But if you aren't creating any space where he can see that he can be needed and wanted, which for a guy is often the same thing, then he's going to not want that, right? A huge part of a man's relationship satisfaction is besides, you know, if he has a healthy libido, regular sex, that's a huge part of it for him because that's how he achieves a sense of emotional closeness to you that we achieve through kissing, cuddling, connecting, talking, they achieve through sex, but also feeling like he's doing a good job in the relationship.

33:50And if you're doing everything, and then when he goes to load the dishwasher, you're like, oh, that's not right. And you redo it, you know, or if I, you know, cause you're so stressed, right? Not because you're trying to be a bitch. Not only are you keeping yourself in the cycle of exhaustion and burnout, but you're alienating him and infantilizing him where now you're experiencing him more as like an errant, annoying, misbehaving kid than a sexy, hot partner. And he's seeing you like a critical mother rather than his beautiful, sexy love. Okay. So I have to share something that has been such a game changer for my mornings, especially paleo Valley's bone broth protein.

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35:10And it's gentle on digestion, which for me is everything. I found that when I was waking up and just having coffee first thing, it was not the vibe. Okay. And this is something that is both gentle, but also giving me a ton of protein. I had two scoops to like a nice big mug with hot water. And sometimes I'll add a dash of milk, but you don't need to because there is, I believe, coconut milk powder in this that is just so yummy. It makes it creamy, but it feels like it's one of those small upgrades that really adds up. My younger self would have benefited from something like this so much in my mornings.

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37:30Go to fromourplace.com slash almost 30. I think a lot of women I've seen, they fall after a relationship into the mother-son dynamic like that. Yeah. Because they think, and I don't know if it's internally, they have their own inner critic that just kind of keeps them on a tight leash and then they kind of keep the partner on a tight leash and then the man to like find safety and it kind of falls in line of her inner bully or something like that. But it's interesting in my relationship, I like don't, he does so much more and it's like, I've never, I hold, I feel like I hold back, but I'm like, I've never, he does so much more because that's how he wants to show love and show up and it makes him feel good.

38:14Yes. And I'm like, normally in relationship, if someone would do something, I would match them. I'd be like, they got me something. I get them something. They did this. And I'd be like, or I'd be like going so far above and beyond what is needed. And now I'm just like, oh, my existence and all the love that I give is like what is needed. Yeah. And your appreciation. Appreciation and the nurturance and all of that. Yeah. It's interesting. So for women that are burnt out, what would you say some practical strategies are to like get them out of their heads and into their body? And I talk a lot about embodiment.

38:47Body men is such a huge part, not only of health, but of sex too. So it's really about taking pause. Like one of the best exercises I did for myself, and this is maybe 15, 20 years ago, is make a circle in the middle of the page with your name on it. And then make a circle of everyone in your life, whether it's coworkers, people who work with you, your siblings, your kids, your friends, everyone who you feel some kind of responsibility for. And even objects, the home, the car, whatever. Make the whole map. And you will be shocked at how many places your energy is going. And it's really about making a decision first and foremost.

39:31And then going to your partner, your friends, your family, whoever is part of your support system and say, look, I am feeling burnt out. I am noticing that I'm giving my energy in all these different places. And I want to pull some of it back from these specific places, especially with a partner. You can't just say, I need more help, right? You have to say, you know what? Yeah. I need more help. And I would really appreciate it if you would be able to pick the kids up from school three out of the five days a week. If you could take them to their afterschool activities, if you could take over paying the bills for a while, whatever those things are that you are willing and ready to let go.

40:12And by the way, you have to be willing and ready to let them go and not micromanage how they're being handled. Then you let that's the practical side. Right. But the embodiment side, and this is why we're able to get to the point of being burnt out, is that we leave our bodies where we do that automatically. All of us do that. You know, when you drive from A to B and you can't remember how you got there. Right. But you got there because it's so rote. But we do that in a million ways. And the more stressed we are and the more anxious we are, the more we do that. So there's so many beautiful practices that I talk about in the book for coming back into your body.

40:50So there's like a grounding meditation where it just takes three to five minutes where you're breathing light in through the top of your head and shooting it at your tailbone, grounding into your body. where you're just taking a few minutes several times a day to breathe deeply and notice like, what am I feeling in my body? Or you're having a conversation, you're noticing, you're having a reaction to it. Where am I feeling that in my body? Like I do this with mostly with guys a lot who can't talk about feelings. I'm like, how are you? I don't know how I'm feeling. Okay. What are you feeling in your body?

41:21Well, I have tightness in my back. Okay. That's anger. Well, I have it in my chest. Okay. That's fear, right? Like, so where are you feeling in your body means different things, but starting to attune to that. When I, we're not getting into this episode, maybe another one we will, but I'm pretty out there about how I lost my 16-year-old son four years ago. And that just destroyed me, as you can imagine, and started, broke me, you know, apart. I basically couldn't move for a year. But one of the blessings of that is that in order to survive, I decided that, and this is, so I really encourage everyone to try this.

41:59I started it as a two-week experiment. And now four years later, I'm still doing it. I started something I called the full body. Yes, because it was out of survival. I couldn't function. So I was like, I am only going to say yes to things my body says yes to. And even if I want to do it, I'm going to say no. If my body doesn't say no, I'm going to say no to things it says no to. And my whole life changed. I still do it because it's so powerful. And it's annoying because sometimes I really want to do something and my body's like, hell no. And then sometimes I definitely don't want to do something.

42:36And my body is like, yes, you do. How do you listen to the body in that way? It's in, well, there's a couple of ways. My favorite way, so sometimes it's really obvious. Like if you're trying, so you try something on going to this party, right? So this is one of the times I noticed I was invited to this yacht with all of these celebrities and people and professionals that I would have loved to network with. And I was like, this sounds amazing. My stomach totally clenched as I was thinking about it. And most of us don't even notice our stomach clenched. We're like, go to this party, right? So I would stop every time I'd try something on, ground, breathe, do a body scan like an old-fashioned Xerox machine.

43:20And I'd be like, whoa, my stomach. Okay, I'm going to this party. My stomach is clenching. Are you sure? I really want to, you know, I'm thinking about going to this party. Nope, my stomach is clenching, right? So sometimes you can feel it that way. But one of my favorite ways to discern anything, whether something is true or false, whether something is good or bad, whether your body wants it or not, is in the heart, the heart center. So if you just hold it in the center of your heart, any question, and it takes some attunement because it's not always so huge. It's very subtle. You will notice a clenching, like a sense of closing and tightening in your heart center when it's a no and a loosening, relaxing expansion when it's a yes.

44:06Really important. You have to come into your body before you can do this. You can't be like in traffic screaming at your kids and going crazy and be like, okay, heart, what do you think? You know, you have to be in your body to attune to it. But it is, that is where the truth is. And for someone who's a recovering codependent like me, this was huge because I would often second guess my truths. I didn't trust my truths. I would often give my truths away in order to survive my childhood like many of us do. So your heart will not lead you astray. Yeah, I work with people that are highly sensitive empaths.

44:41And oftentimes that's like so, you know, neighbors with codependent, usually sometimes the same. Yeah. And it is like when we're on retreat, like we will every day just tune in to like, how do I feel today? Yes. Like, and it'll take sometimes a bit to get an answer. Oh, yeah. Because there's so much denial or gaslighting of truth or connection to others where you're then attuning and receiving their answer as your truth. So it really is such a worthwhile and deep practice to do that. And, you know, one of the things I think about when I think about listening to the body or embodiment and even the practice for women of them being able to get into their bodies, what I find that stops them is I practice and teach parts work.

45:25And I think parts work is so helpful for that because a lot of women, they have a part of them that's like, it's not safe. I have to keep going. I've got my to do list. It's like the part of them that's constantly doing is so online and is so hyper vigilant that she keeps them from being embodied and relaxed. And I think until she's able to understand or sit on the couch or, you know, have a moment or she's able to chill, it can be pretty hard to kind of get out of that like loop thought that she offers all the time. And I think that over-functioning part is really what keeps so many women from being in their bodies.

46:03Yeah. I mean, I do parts work too. I love it. And it's, that's what we're talking about, right? Like the little us as little girls being told, you know, don't ever depend on like that's a part that is coming that is driving the bus. Right. I call them personas, too. We all have these personas, these parts of ourselves that take over and they're doing it from such a beautiful place of wanting to keep you safe. You know, I do all these exercises with people where I will have that part, you know, imagine that part sitting next to you on the couch when you were sitting here relaxing. And she's like, no, we got to do more.

46:37We got to do more things on our to do list. and talk to her like you would a child. Be with her like you would a child. It's okay, honey, I got this. I know you're scared. You did this and you feel this way to keep us safe, but I've got us. We're gonna get it all done, but we need to rest. And you get to rest, you rest. In fact, what do you wanna do to relax? No, I don't actually wanna watch this show. I wanna go out and jump on the trampoline. Okay, let's go jump on the trampoline, right? So you start to build a relationship with that. I mean, you know this, right? I'm sure you talk about this all the time.

47:12But it's a beautiful - The unblending, yeah, is so huge. Yeah, I just, I think women have that part. And I think, I don't know, I want to be curious to think about, I've never thought about this because I work with women. What part men have over-functioning right now? What would you say? I think it's this part around I'm not of value unless I am making something happen. an end and encouragement. It's not okay to not, this is the, I think the biggest one is it's not okay to not be okay. It's not, I'm weak. I'm not a dude. I'm going to be teased if I cry or if I say I'm really sad or really scared.

47:55I'm going to be seen as less than. And they are definitely, even in today's world. They are definitely given that very clear message, if not by their more informed and educated parents, by their classmates and even their teachers sometimes. I mean, I made such an effort with my three boys and they still got teased if they cried in school or they missed their mom or whatever. And that had more impact even than I did in many ways. So I think that's a big part of it for guys is not being, because if they could say that, they could just say, I'm really struggling right now. Um, then, then they would come back into themselves.

48:37They wouldn't have to disassociate from themselves. Yeah. It's like, yeah. Cause that's, that's what it is too. I think it's like protector part that makes them disassociate. Cause that's what I find the most is men disassociating, disconnecting, and then they're going to addictions like porn, gambling, you know, phone time, screen time. So yeah, I think ours would be the over-functioning and theirs would be disassociating. And it almost like creates the cycle of like the women, you know, the men pulling back and then the women having to like do more in a way. What's one thing that you wish that all of the couples that come to couples therapy understood?

49:12That, well, so many things, but that relationships take work. I'm sorry, but they do. And they are the mirror to your soul and your soul's work. And that I really do believe, and I've been doing this for 30 years, if you are both willing to take responsibility for your own stuff and do the work, there is no relationship that can't be saved and you can end up after a crisis, infidelity, whatever that thing is, that can be a catalyst and you can end up with a better relationship than you ever would have had if that thing hadn't happened, if you're both willing to do the work. And I would also want people to know to come earlier, right?

50:01And I see that happening more now than it did maybe 20 years ago. It used to be, I would see, you know, people wouldn't come to therapy until they were like like ready to sign divorce papers, the sooner you get help, the easier it is to get you back on track and the sooner you learn the tools that you need to stay on track. I think that's really important too. Yeah, it's like getting the help sooner. And then for women that are single right now, what's one thing you would say to them? I would say that you're going to attract in someone who is at the level of emotional consciousness, health, and awareness that you are.

50:35And if you want a really high value, emotionally attuned, conscious partner, you have to do your work. The more you heal, the more you shed that density of trauma and disassociation, the more you claim your worth, the more you attract in and are attracted to people who are the same. Because, you know, that's what I see happening so often with singles is that that we, you know, they are attracted to someone who's going to trigger their wounds, right? And they, and they, this is why I always say, don't, if you feel butterflies, that is actually the body's warning signal. Danger, right? That means you are back with, you know, oh, I feel like I've always known you.

51:24Yeah. Cause he's just like your last abuser and your father and everyone else. Right. So the right kind of love will feel like the best way I can describe it. It's the kind of excitement, not butterflies, but like you're about to move into your dream home. It's that kind. You're coming home. It's that kind of excitement.

51:48You guys, as the days get longer and warmer, which I am loving, I am leaning more into my strength training game. Yeah, me. And I've been loving it. And you all know we don't build muscle without protein. And I'm getting my typical proteins, but I also love bread and I'm not giving it up. That's where Hero Bread comes in. I'm all about easy, satisfying meals that fit my macros, if you will. I'm not counting them, but I'm just being mindful of getting my proteins and all the things. So I love that I can enjoy comfort food favorites like grab-and-go breakfast bagels and veggie-packed lunch wraps without worrying about my fiber or protein goals.

52:28I recently tried their Hero Noodles as well. I was totally blown away. They have 12 grams of protein and only 80 calories per serving, plus 11 to 32 grams of fiber, depending on the product. Fiber is so important. I actually had a blood test six months ago that just gave me all the indication I needed more fiber. So this has really been a part of what's been helping me. And the texture of these breads is amazing. I'm not just saying this. They are soft, fluffy, and way better than you'd expect for low net carb baked goods, whether it's the wraps, the bagels, sliced bread, or even the insanely delicious Hero Pen au Chocolat and croissants.

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53:48Okay. Can we talk about aging for a second? You know, I love to talk about this. I feel like in your 30s and 40s, you start noticing little things. Sleep isn't as deep or energy isn't as consistent. Maybe just some changes in your physical appearance and you're like, wait, is this just how it goes right now? Healthy aging is something I care deeply, deeply about. I think ever since becoming a parent, I'm like, I want to feel as good as possible, for as long as possible. And I've spent a lot of time trying to get ahead of it instead of reacting to it. That's why I am so excited about C15 from Fatty15.

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55:00So I've been taking fatty 15 consistently, and I love that it feels like I'm supporting my long-term health in a foundational way. It's vegan-friendly, 100 % pure C15, and even comes in a gorgeous reusable glass jar. Fatty 15 is on a mission to optimize your C15 levels to help support your long-term health and wellness, especially as you age. You can get an additional 15 % off their 90 day subscription starter kit by going to fatty15.com slash almost 30 and using the code almost 30 at checkout. Again, that's fatty15.com slash almost 30. Use the code almost 30 at checkout. I bet people fight the butterfly thing a lot.

55:40Oh, they fight me all the time. What do they say? So what do you feel about chemistry? Is butterflies chemistry? Do you see this as the same thing? Chemistry is necessary. You have to want to jump their bones. What do you think chemistry is? Oh, it's so many things. It's definitely, we have a love map, and many scientists believe that that even develops our first seven years of life, what we're attracted to, like just physically and energetically what we're attracted to. That's very weird. I know. Isn't that weird? Well, it's not, no, because sexual attraction is an extension of emotional attraction.

56:11You know, it's not like when we're five years old, we're wanting to like do it with our preschool teacher, you know. But we feel this admiration. And, you know, anyone who's been with a little kid, you can see, you know, they're not wanting to jump your bones, but they're like, wow, you're amazing. I really like you. You know, it's that kind of thing. And they do like attract, they do like pretty people. Yeah. They do like, there's just a study. Yeah. They like pretty people. Like sometimes they'll be like, like, I'm like, oh, I don't know. I'm going to change the subject. So, okay. Sorry. You were saying.

56:42I think it's in their DNA. So the first seven years you're creating. Yeah. So that's part of it. And then there's pheromones, which are real. They discovered there's a nerve zero in the back there. So basically the, there is a nerve that goes from the olfactory, you know, from the nose, right to the amygdala, like right to that base of the brain. So smell plays a role. Energy, I think there's like a frequency that's part of attraction. And you have to have that chemistry. I see so many women mostly say, well, he's checking everything. He's going to be a great father. He's such a great guy. He has a great job.

57:22He's so kind. He's so spiritually aware, blah, blah, blah. But I'm just not attracted to him, but do you really need attraction? Yes. You really need attraction. That is a big part of what's going to see you through the duration. Not that he, not that you should go by hotness alone because hotness, you know, fades over time. But like, you know, that there's that chemical, like my husband does not look like he looked 25 years ago, but my uterus still contracts when he looks at me a certain way. Like I still feel that chemistry with him because I was always there. Sometimes I didn't know when I was dating, I was like, I didn't know if I had chem, like, I didn't know if I was attracted to them or they were attracted to me and I was just running their energy.

58:06Well, that can be, especially for an empath. Yeah. I was like, I had to like, I had to go to the bathroom and be like, do I like, like, are they just really attracted to me? And I'm like in this vibe or what? Yeah. And by the way, that's attractive when someone's really attracted to you. For sure. But for an empath, one of our biggest challenges is distinguishing our feelings from others, right? So that's the practice. And I'm sure you teach that to empaths of how to discern, is this mine? Right? So that would be a great opportunity to go to the bathroom and run it through your heart. Like, all right, is this attraction mine or not?

58:42It will never fail you. It will automatically tell you. And then kiss them and see how it feels, right? Like the first kiss or any kiss. I would imagine them, I would imagine us kissing, so I wouldn't even kiss them, but I'd imagine us kissing and be like, how do I feel about this? And I'd be like, ugh. Okay, that's a good test too. I don't know that everyone could do that, but that's a good test. I know. I mean, that's how like energetically sensitive I am. I could like think about it and like puke. Or sometimes they're like, oh. Well, if you think, and this is something I teach in sex magic, but got deep into the weeds, really explain in Quantum Love in my last book, that the body and the brain don't know the difference between reality and rehearsal if you are imagining something in first person present.

59:26So this is great for manifesting, right? If you want to move your body into the energetic frequency of what you want to manifest, you imagine yourself in that scene of whatever that would be as if it's happening right here, right now, and you aren't seeing yourself in the scene, you're in it, right? You can look down and see your feet and whatever. So in this case, you would imagine in first person present, kissing them and it would literally move your body into the energy as if you were and then you could tell. Maybe that's why I'm moving in too close. Yeah. I could be in it. Yeah. It's like, ugh.

59:59Yeah. Okay. So in sex magic, so walk me through in the beginning of the book I had, I thought it was really interesting and I wanted to talk about the chart that you shared here that was the calibrated energetic value of emotional state. So quantum love and harnessing the energy within you. Can you talk more about that? Yeah. So that was my last book, Quantum Love. And that what you're referring to is the quantum love map. So this was based on all kinds of studies. And the most, the one that was probably the most pop well-known is David Hawkins, you know, power versus force. Basically they were able to go around the world with a million different disciplines, so many different disciplines, and analyze using psychological tests, written things, kinesiology, muscle testing, they were able to calibrate the energetic frequency of different emotional states.

1:00:55And what we know, and this is, you know, from quantum physics, is that we're all pure energy, right? So if we were to look at ourselves through an atomic microscope, you and I aren't solid, we're pure vibrating energy, and we're not separate from each other, We're part of the same energetic soup. And so the higher what we've learned, and this is kind of the secret behind the secret, is that the higher our body holds an energetic frequency. So if you think about like an old fashioned radio, there is the station, the frequency, and then the volume, the intensity of that frequency. So our bodies hold usually a kind of general baseline frequency, but it's constantly shifting and changing based on our conscious and unconscious thoughts and feelings, especially.

1:01:45That's why I'm always so interested in how you want to feel and the energy of everyone around us. So right now, when I walked into this room with you, what would normally happen is that you and I and your camera person and everyone would be unconsciously, like human tuning forks, we're all kind of finding the happy medium. So maybe someone walks into a room and a really, like, shame is the lowest frequency your body can hold. Joy and bliss or orgasm is the highest frequency your body can hold and anything in between, right? So maybe there's someone who's in anger in the room with someone who's in forgiveness, you know, feeling that energy and that frequency.

1:02:27They're going to meet somewhere in the middle unless you hold your own. So when I walked into this room, I was in a state of open curiosity and everyone meets me there, whether they intend to or not. So what this map shows you, and there's all kinds of cool exercises. I have it on my website. I don't get into it as deeply in sex magic, but in quantum love. And if you go to heal with Laura, you can find all the quizzes and tests there. But you can learn how you tend to live on the on the map and how to move into those higher frequencies. Because if you can spend 51 percent of the time in a place of just even open curiosity and up forgiveness, joy, aliveness, excitement, your whole life will change.

1:03:16Mm-hmm. Everything will change. So that's why I'm always going back when people were talking to me wanting to spice it up in their relationship. I'm like, okay, well, if it was spiced up, how would you feel? Because that's where we want to start everything with how you want to feel because that's where the frequency is. Would most people say the same thing like bliss, joy? Do you find people come to the same type of words? It was always some version. When it was the spice it up question, it was always some version. They'd be like, well, I just want to try a new thing. okay, and then how would you feel?

1:03:48And then how would you feel? Some version of excited intensity or intense excitement. That same feeling that you have when a relationship is brand new, right? When the dopamine levels are high. Is it because dopamine levels, is it also like when a relationship's brand new, it's also like your fear it's going to go away? I think there's a lack. Yes. Fundamentally, part of the excitement is in the chase, right? So that infatuation stage lasts anywhere from three months to three years, depending how quickly you commit and show your true selves to each other. And then comes safety, which we were talking about earlier.

1:04:25And then with safety, you don't have the same levels of dopamine. So dopamine is, that's the same part of the brain that lights up when you do coke. It's the addiction part of the brain. So the things that stimulate dopamine are the chase, novelty, and fear. Those are things that stimulate dopamine. So those could be things that people could be looking for when they're looking to reignite that spark. Yeah. So it used to be that I would say like, okay, go do something adventurous together. You know, that will stimulate. They did a study where they showed couples who went to an amusement park and did scary rides versus couples who went on a romantic picnic.

1:05:01The ones that did something scary together have a boost in libido, right? But the reason I love this book and the reason I wrote it is that I could give them 365 things to try, and in a year to a year and a half, those things wouldn't be novel anymore either. And the only thing I have found that really continues to create that feeling of excited intensity, which is endless, is sex magic, which is really bringing you to sex as a sacred energy exchange. And you're learning to move that energy through your body so it's not just localized to your genitals. So physically, it's really exciting. You're running it through your body, out the top of your head, circling it between you.

1:05:43There's a level of spiritual connectedness that starts to happen. There's this kind of enhancement that starts to develop. And this is something that's been around for thousands of years, but nobody, I mean, maybe they do a couple of like Kama Sutra handbook or whatever, but nobody really talks about how to work with the energetics of sex. And that is what I've discovered creates ongoing excited intensity versus temporary until that too becomes old. And would you say like that people first need to calibrate or attune to themselves or be in touch with themselves to then come together in union? Or what would you say, I guess, if we're talking about the energetics of sex and the energetics of a sexual exchange, what is the energetic exchange that's currently happening and what is the potential that could happen with sex magic?

1:06:37What I see happening in most relationships is that there, energetically, is that there is some degree of exchange, but a lot of it is around ego. go, I'm going to do this to you. You're going to do this to me. I'm going to get you off. You're going to get off. But in a long-term relationship, there's some of that, but then it's like almost energetically, I'm not talking about like that it feels and looks this way when you're looking and experiencing it, but energetically, it reminds me of kids doing parallel play. You know, have you ever seen that? Like you're each just doing what you need to do to get off.

1:07:12I do this to you. You do this to me. This is the formula we know works that gives you your orgasm. I have my orgasm. Okay, okay, am I getting there? Am I getting, okay, am I doing it? Am I doing it? You know, there's kind of like these inner dialogues. You're both in your own heads, right? That's what's kind of energy. You're next to each other energetically. And there are these threads going back and forth together. What I'm trying to do with sex magic is help you step into the vortex together, where you're really connecting soul to soul, where you're circling the energy consciously and with awareness between the two of you.

1:07:47So like really beautiful, the masculine, whoever, and I don't mean men have to be in their masculine, but in order to have attraction, you need to have that polarity where one of you tends to be more in your feminine and the other tends to be more in their masculine. The one in their masculine receives energy through the genitals and shares it through the heart, which I think is so interesting that the ancients knew that because that's really how it works for men, right? They get that sense of closeness through sex. And the feminine receives energy through the heart and shares it through the genitals.

1:08:17So you actually can create this circle where you're pulling energy from his genitals into your heart. Or he's pulling the energy into his genitals and sharing it through the heart. And you're receiving it through the heart and sharing it through the genitals. And you're creating this circle of energy that you can actually feel. It's really beautiful. I saw in the book there was healing through penis, penal penetration. What is that? Oh, I love that. It's a lot. I find that women who have been sexually harmed, you know, emotionally in sexual relationships or sexually traumatized or had sexual trauma, you know, obviously not if you've never talked about your trauma and you're really activated.

1:08:59But if you've done some work around it and now you're wanting to really allow for healing within the sexual relationship, there are lots of beautiful ways to do that that require conscious awareness and communication. But the one you're talking about is penetration, where you're really connecting to the penis, especially if you're the woman who's had the trauma and the penis was a part of that trauma, that now you're with this loving, trusted partner, and you're allowing that penis inside, and you're allowing the healing energy. He's sending loving energy through his penis. He's eye-gazing you.

1:09:37There's a gentleness. There's a sweetness about it. It's extremely slow. There's very little movement. You know, it's almost just a resting inside and allowing the breath and the energy to move through both of you. It's a really beautiful practice. None of these I made up. I'm just kind of like making them accessible to people. But this is something that the ancients knew to do. Because you have tantra in their Tao. Kundalini. Kundalini. Kama Sutra. Kama Sutra. What were some of the practices from these that you really loved besides the one I just shared? Well, I love the circling energy I talked about.

1:10:17I love the Taoist, there's a version of the microcosmic orbit is what the Taoists call it, where there's different ways to do it. You can pull energy from the earth or even from the top of your head or from your genitals as you're having sex and pull it in your pelvis and then start sipping it up your spine and circling it around your own body. So you can do this during self-stimulation, for instance, or even during sex. I love soul gazing. That's a really simple one that you can do as part of foreplay or as during sex in certain positions like the yab yum position I know I talk about in the book where the larger partner is on the bottom with their back supported and the smaller partner is on their lap with their legs around their waist.

1:11:07And you each stare into the eye above the heart and you synchronize your breath. And it's deep. I mean, most people can't stare into their partner's eyes for two seconds without feeling awkward. And you go into their soul when you do that. Yeah, it is like, I live in LA, so I've done it many times at events. But I mean, for the first years, I would be like, I'm not doing this thing. Like, I'd be like, I'd go to the bathroom, I'd like go to my car. Like, I just was like... Because it's really self-revealing and intimate. Yeah. I mean, the first time I tried it with my husband, this was early in our relationship, but not that early.

1:11:45And I'm a freaking sex therapist. And, and I was like, let's try soul gazing. And I, and I couldn't do it without touching him, which then I realized was a distraction, like a way to, and he's like, Nope, Nope, you can't touch me. Just look at me. And he was having no problem with it. And I was like, Oh my God, stop. Oops, like to soothe yourself, you wanted to like touch. Yeah, I wasn't aware that that's what I was doing. But once I couldn't do that and I had to just totally let myself be seen and see him, that was hard. Wow. One of my favorite snacks and favorite breakfasts and favorite things to have on the go is a protein shake from Cachava.

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1:15:34That's a three zero P O D to get 15 % off your first order. And this offer is available for a limited time. So take advantage. Now, again, that is revolve.com slash almost 30. The code is A30Pod. For women that feel like they're sort of like the spiritual lead and guide in the relationship, I think a lot of our women of our community are that. And their men are not as much on the spiritual path or as privy to this information or these practices. What do you think some communication strategies or how do you think they could support themselves in their relationship and doing these practices with a man that's not as versed?

1:16:14Yeah. Well, I will say that I, you know, I developed all of this without, my husband has been my guinea pig for 25 years. And so most of the things I teach, especially technique-wise, I try on him or with him first. He is not a particularly metaphysical person at all. In fact, my nickname for him is Senor Root Chakra because he's just so practical and grounded. And I would try the, I would not tell him what I was doing. and I would try each of these on him, you know, like, and then watch how he responded. And, you know, he was like, and then afterwards I'd say, you know what I just did? I was blah, blah, blah.

1:16:56So your partner doesn't even, and I heard this from so many women, your partner doesn't even need to know what you're doing. I mean, it's fun if they do and they participate with you, but if they're not that kind of guy, it doesn't even matter. This is something that will change both of your experiences for the better, even if you're practicing it. And I always tell people, you know, most of these techniques, while they're not difficult, they do require mind-body coordination. So it's really helpful to do it on your own first. That's a good one. And figure out how it works. And then try it with your partner.

1:17:30You don't even have to tell them what you're doing. And see what happens. Like the pink sparkly vagina one, that is something. Explain that one. So that is where, well, it's supposed to, and it does enhance his, you know, whoever, whatever's in there. So let's say we're talking about heterosexuals here, but his arousal and yours. But what I found accidentally is that it really helps when you want your partner to finish. So for a lot of women, they've already gotten there or, you know, they're not going to, whatever it is. Or they faked it. Yeah. Or they faked it. And they're ready to do the dishes.

1:18:05Yeah. Or whatever it is. Just kidding. And you want him to, you're ready, you know, and, or you just want him to, you just want him to have an amazing time. And you basically put all of your conscious awareness into your vagina. You become the inside of your vagina. You imagine it, it's like a swirling vortex of pink sparkly light just swirling around the penis with love and abundance and yumminess, beautiful pink sparkling light. And you will be astounded without saying a word how quickly they finish. And I had a woman not long ago tell me, so I had done like a little book club with them. This was maybe like a year ago.

1:18:51And then one of the women from the book club I happened to cross paths with, and she told me that I had taught them, among other things, the pink sparkly vagina. And this one woman had been trying to get pregnant for two years unsuccessfully and was about to just kind of give up. And she, that night she tried the pink sparkly vagina and she got pregnant. She just had a baby like two months before. Now I'm not saying that works for everyone, but I think that's pretty cool and makes sense to me. Wow. I love that. I mean, that's an easy one in our pockets. I loved in the Tao, the Taoism part where it says, where you're kind of describing the importance of choosing who you have sex with.

1:19:35Yes. And that energy. So can you talk about that? Yeah, that's something. When you have sex with someone, as a woman especially, you're taking energy, not that men aren't also, but you're taking that energy inside you. And there is an energetic hangover. And I always have said to women, don't have great sex, at least, with someone you don't want to fall in love with. Because when you have an orgasm, your brain and your body gets washed in oxytocin, which is the chemical of attachment. So even if you picked him up the night before and knew you didn't want anything to do with him, you're going to be bummed the next day when he doesn't ask for your number or whatever.

1:20:15So it does cause attachment. And I see so many women fall into that. And you are taking in energy every single time you share your body. And I, you know, I, it's not like I don't believe in casual sex or think it's wrong or bad. I don't. Like, I think you should do whatever you want sexually, but it's important to know what you're doing. And I even created this like sexual healing practice that I describe in the book where you can take, you take a rose quartz wand, a smooth rounded one, not one of those pointy ones. Just a raw one. A smooth rose quartz wand, some bath salts, and like a sage or palo Santo and a candle.

1:21:02And I even if you go to heal with Laura, I have the sexual healing meditation. You can listen to it. But you basically rose quartz is really absorbent. And so what I did this as an experiment with a couple of women who are really struggling with past toxic relationships or sexual trauma, and they had done a ton of healing, but they still were just struggling sexually to open up or they felt the remnants of that. And or even if you just want to clear it, I recommend this. But you get in a bath, you set, you light the candles, you do the Palo Santo, you make a beautiful bath with organic bath salts.

1:21:39And you can even do it in the shower if you don't have a bath. And then you do this kind of conscious meditation where you're calling in the healing and calling in the release of anything that that it's time to let go. and then you put the rose quartz inside and you just breathe deeply and allow it to absorb because rose quartz has a frequency of love and is extremely absorbent and allow it to absorb all that you want to let go and then after that put it out in a full moon or bathe it in you know sea salt overnight so it can be cleared of whatever it took on I can't tell you I probably at least 10 women have reached out to me and told me that after several times, their rose quartz wand broke, which crystals break when they've taken on enough energy and are done.

1:22:29Yeah, it's too much. Yeah. Yeah. And that's okay. But that's a beautiful sign that it's working. And then you just bury it and thank it. Hopefully not inside them. No, no. No, they didn't break inside. I remember I dated someone and I remember I was like, we were having sex and I was on, And it was after I left, I was on the plane and I just was having these horrible thoughts, just like foreign thoughts to me. Like so negative, so insecure, suicidal almost, which I have like a suicidal part, but it wasn't that. And I was like, what is going on? And I was like, I just felt so off and I just like touched my womb and I was like, oh my God.

1:23:07Oh, yeah. And that's the empath in you too. Because not every woman that will happen to. No. But if you're super empathic, you are like a sponge. And I was unconsciously processing his energy, taking on his energy. Especially he was like, he's amazing, but he was like a lower vibrational than me. And so I was like taking it all on. And I just, I went into the bathroom and I just was with my womb, just clearing my womb. And was bawling my eyes out. Because I had all that energy stuck in me. And I was like, wow, I really did not realize. I really, you know, it took me this long in my life, in this age, to realize how much that energy, you know, impacts.

1:23:46Oh, it's major. You just felt it, but most women aren't conscious of it as you are. And I even have like a, you know, before you have sex with someone to just be like, okay, I am putting up a boundary energetically where I am not taking on any of their energy, clearing, creating a filter that clears any of the energy coming in. and, you know, preferably know the person. You can't know them completely right away necessarily, but, you know, it's good if you, it's one more reason to know who you are allowing into your energy and into your body. It's so, so key. You know, it's interesting, the oxytocin thing.

1:24:23I get oxytocin spray. Have you ever done that? Uh-huh. And so me and my partner will do that. It is so much fun to, like, do oxytocin spray and then have sex. You're like... then you're really in the vortex. Then you're really, it is like, you can feel all of a sudden your like face gets rushed and you're like, Oh, but it's funny. Cause I'm like, now, you know, cause women release it more when you have sex, right? But now he knows. No, I'm like, now you got that bonding chemical baby. Like, you know what it is. You said earlier, like with women and having sex with someone, they shouldn't have good sex.

1:24:55Like what do you, how could you have sex and not have it be good? Like, what do you mean by that? Cause you were like, basically what can happen when women, women are having sex with men that might not be their man and they have really good sex. They have oxytocin released and then they bond. Yeah. So is it that they shouldn't be having sex with a man that's not their man or? It's that. It's that you got to be careful who you have great sex with because you might fall in love. I've done that. Yeah. We've all, many of us have done that. And, and it's tricky, right? Because we should be able to have sex with whoever we want.

1:25:28And And there's no reason not to, but you have to know what you're getting into. And it's helpful to know why, you know, to really question the attachment. Because sometimes the attachment is because of the great sex. That's why I really do. And I'm not saying this because, you know, I'm trying to shame anyone that has casual sex or I'm, you know, I'm not. I sound like a 1950s mother. Hey, girl, you're safe here. But I really think, especially if you are looking for a long-term relationship, don't have sex with someone right away. Like, definitely see if there's some chemistry. You know, am I attracted to them?

1:26:04Do I feel attracted to them? But in an ideal world, don't have sex with anyone until you're both clear that you don't want to have sex with anyone else for the foreseeable future. You don't have to be ready to get married or move in together. But, like, have that conversation. So on the second or third date when maybe you make out or something, say, listen, I just want you to know I'm really attracted to you and I love sex, but I am not sexual with anyone until I am clear that neither one of us are really interested in pursuing a sexual relationship with anyone else. And I don't know that we're there yet, you know, but I just want you to know where I stand.

1:26:41And by the way, that's a great litmus test because the guys that are only out to do you will disappear. And the guy that is or whoever who's really and this is whether you're with a guy or a woman or anything in between to do this. The person who is, you know, definitely there looking for love and really kind of interested in you will stick around. Yeah. And it also shows how safe you feel communicating and how safe they are, how much they can communicate. So there's a huge component of that, too, where you're building that connection. I mean, I think I'm, yeah, I just have realized so much getting older how sacred sex is, how important it is.

1:27:20Also, you know, for what people really want in life, which is like, you know, deep relationship and to be loved, it is to be taken care of and to be mindful of. And I think, I think our generation was the women of, you know, be independent, have your own money, do your own thing. But I also think we were taught about casual sex. Yes. Being, it's fine, do whatever you want. But I think we were taught about it being fine. And I actually think biologically, it's a deeper, it's just way deeper mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically than I think we were told. And we were told that because it was part of female empowerment.

1:27:53Guys are allowed to have casual sex. You know, why should we be shamed if it's not to, right? Yeah. And so we didn't want to be slut shamed. We wanted to reject that, which I wholeheartedly support. And the way we did that is like, we'll just have sex like dudes, you know? And then everyone's like, unwell. Yeah. All the women. What's the hormone that men release when they have sex? Well, their testosterone levels spike. Their oxytocin levels don't. They don't have the same. I mean, they have an oxytocin wash. That's wrong to say they don't. But they have such high levels of testosterone that that counteracts the effects of the oxytocin.

1:28:31That's why you'll start to see as men age, especially if they aren't doing testosterone replacement, their oxytocin can start to take front seat more. And then they'll be bonded more. Isn't that sweet? God just created such great creatures. Yes. You know, over time, it's like men become more bonded. Yeah. And then do we have more or less oxytocin release? Maybe we have higher testosterone. I don't know. No, we don't. We don't get higher testosterone as we age. No, we just, you know, we have, I think we have, I think they just, we're all the way bonded, right? But they just start to bond more easily and more emotionally.

1:29:08You know, they can be more emotional at that point. Sex manifestation. Tell me about it. How can you use sex for manifestation? Oh, I love it. Okay. So, you know, the secret behind the secret that I was talking about earlier is that the higher, you have to get into the energetic state of, it's not enough to just write yourself a check for a million dollars. You have to move into the energetic state in your body of he, she, they, who has a million dollars. That's what supercharges it into the quantum field. That's what makes manifestation work. Sexual arousal and orgasm is the highest frequency the body can hold.

1:29:46And so it's very powerful manifesting energy. And by the way, thousands of years, people have been practicing sex magic. This isn't new. But basically in the book, I teach you different ways. One of my favorite is to create what's called a sigil. So it's like a visual representation of something you want to manifest. Because you can hold that image in your mind during or on a piece of paper under your pillow or next to you while you're getting aroused and reaching orgasm. If your partner is participating with you, then you got double whammy oomph into your manifesting. But even if they're not, so it could be, I am, you know, you want to make your statement with I am, I am a mother or I am a bestselling author or I am an award-winning songwriter or I am in a loving relationship or whatever, because you can do this through self-stimulation too.

1:30:39And then you hold that image. You can hold the image of yourself in that situation in first person, but it's a really beautiful practice to hold the sigil image in your mind. And then after orgasm, you hold it, you know, during the afterglow and then key and manifestation practices, you have to release it, right? So then you burn it in a safe way, tear it up, throw it away. And you can always create another one for the same thing if you want to keep or something else. But it's a really powerful manifestation practice. Do you do it? Yeah. I do it all the time. I manifested this, actually. I manifested you through sex.

1:31:20Me? Yes, this interview. What? I'm like, what? No, because you and I met maybe. Yeah, when did we meet? We met a really long time ago, and I'm trying to remember where it was. Was it like Sarah Stewart's or Lori's or something? I don't remember. I was trying to remember, but I remember meeting both of you. And it was really brief. Oh, you know where it was? Which is a whole other conversation. Human garage. Sister, don't get me started. All right. So that's where it was. But, okay. So I'm remembering now. So that was, I don't know, eight years ago, a long time ago. And then I was trying to reach out to you.

1:32:00I tried to reach out to you guys a million different times to come on this show. And I couldn't. Huh. And I was like. It's not that hard. That's what I mean. That's weird. Normally it's not hard for me to get on places. For some reason, I just, and I was like, what is going, okay. And so this book was coming out. And so I've done it several times. But this book was coming out. And I was like, oh. I mean, because I now, it's not like it has to be this high stakes thing for me to manifest where my life is. You know, this is just something. So I have sex often, right? So like, I take advantage when I do.

1:32:36This is something. So I remember there was this incident. I was like, oh, I, you know, I want to connect with the 30 something girls. So I was like, okay, I'm on 30 something, you know, because I'll do it for anything because it's easy, you know, for whatever. It's not like this is the end. I mean, I love being on here, but it's not like this was my life dream, but it was something I really wanted to happen. And then literally the next day. You're with Saw. I was with Saw and something came up how he'd just been with you guys. I was like, oh, well, I've been trying to get in touch with them. My boy.

1:33:10Which is, I mean, love it. I remember I got that text. I was like, oh, perfect. Like it's, yeah, it worked out perfect. Yeah, that's such a. So there's your example. There we are, baby. How does it feel that I manifested this conversation? It feels good. It feels right. You know, I'm in a lot of people's thoughts during sex, so I didn't know it would be yours today. Only that one time. Yeah, only that one time. What is one thing you want people to take from this book? Like, what is your dream of what people could take from sex magic? That you don't have to put your relationship at risk. You don't have to keep chasing dopamine.

1:33:45That deep, powerful, fulfilling, intense excitement, exciting sex is available to you and not hard. you just have to lean into it right and they're the and and it's available i think i think there's so many books and there's so much pressure to you know bring a third person turn to porn swing from a chandelier whatever it is you know and all those things and all of it's women doing yeah yeah let's be real yeah and this is i'm gonna take a heels class yeah i just really want people to recognize the healing, manifesting, profound relationship power that's at their fingertips and that no one freaking talks about.

1:34:33And it's not hard. You know, it's just about getting into your body, getting conscious and exploring. You know, you don't have to work so hard in all the wrong places. I think that's such a beautiful lens and place to land on it because because that's what's shifted a lot for me in sex is just being like, oh, this is just play. This is exploration. It's not like this is the last time. It's like this is let's see what's possible. Let's see what's here. Take the pressure off. It's so good for you. Just be an exploration phase. It's good for you physically. It's good for you emotionally. It's good for your relationship.

1:35:11It doesn't have to be hard. It doesn't have to be intense. I mean, it can be, but like emotionally intense. Like, you know, it's, it's a beautiful part of human existence that can just be so seamless, you know? Amen. Beautiful. Well, congratulations. Thank you. This is your eighth book? Tenth. Tenth book? Tenth book. Last one? Well, I have another one coming out in the fall, but it's not about sex. That one is about grief. I'll come on. Now that I have my number. Yeah, you can hit it up. That one will be, that one will be a different vibe. A totally different vibe and I'm grateful to talk about grief too.

1:35:51So I'm excited for you guys to get this book, Sex Magic, beautiful book cover. We will see you on the next one. Love you guys. Bye. Thank you so much, Dr. Laura Berman. We appreciate you. The book is Sex Magic and it is out now on taking your mind, body and relationship to the next level with spectacular intimacy. We love you guys. If you want more from Almost 30, you can watch our clip show. Listen to our clip show, Morning Microdose. It's the best of almost 35 to 15 minutes. A great way to start your day rather than jumping into your email inbox or something like that. And you can follow us on all the social platforms, TikTok, Instagram, YouTube at Almost 30 Podcast.

1:36:32I'm on Instagram at It's Krista. I'm at Lindsay Simsek. We love you guys. We'll see you soon. Bye.

1:36:45Thank you.