863. Rewire Beauty Conditioning + Actually Enjoy The Body You Have

27:03I feel like mine has mostly been control. And I think it creeped into my consciousness in high school where...

27:15I don't even know where I was being fed this because we didn't have social media then, but like cleanses, the master cleanse, like just taking periods of time to restrict in order to reach a goal was something that like interested me. It felt like doable, you know, it felt like a challenge, you know, that I would be, that I would be like satisfied with. And it's not that I, I didn't feel like actively, like I hate my body, but there was just this deep desire to control and kind of, I think, see if I could get skinnier or whatever it was. And so that was really interesting and a weird thing for a frigging junior in high school to do a master cleanse in the middle of a school day.

28:12But people need to be monitoring that, by the way. like teachers need to be aware like that's crazy like I couldn't function I was I was talking to my I had a whole session with my therapist because she specializes in eating disorder recovery eating disorders all of that asking her questions about like what what would so what would you do in the situation if you saw a teenager not eating what would you do if you saw a friend like just like understanding the like the proper way that an adult or someone that's like well should be around eating disorders and eating stuff. And it's interesting because I'm not going to say the word correctly, but it's like dysiosis and then it's egosiosis.

28:56And this is incorrect, but it's similar to that. Basically, eating disorders and food stuff is egosiosis where you want to hide it. You don't want people to know about it because you don't want to change it. Where egosiosis would be something like anxiety or depression where you want it to go away. You want it to change. Like you'd go to a therapist and be like, help me not be depressed. But if I have an eating thing, you go to a therapist and you're like, I don't want you to know that I'm on master cleanse or I'm controlling because I want to do this thing. So it's really hard to find. It's really hard to track.

29:25It's really hard to be with because a lot of times, there was someone recently that I reached out to because I feel like they're really unwell. And when you do that, there's the part of their, if they have any true eating disorder, is really excited that you've noticed that you don't feel like they're well. But then there's also the part that could be like, don't talk to Krista because she's going to try and change you. So there's a lot. I mean, it's an interesting thing.

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33:11Yeah, and then it swung, I think, like in my college years, I think because drinking and just kind of a need for like release or numbing. And I would like binge, you know, at night. And so food became kind of this like sneaky reward at the end of a day. You know, whether it was like after a long school day or, you know, drinking, whatever, like I would plan on like what crazy fucking thing I was going to make. Um, and then that just like fed into the cycle of feeling shame, feeling, you know, like I have to control. I remember going, just eating apples for a week, one week in college because I had gained weight.

33:57Like, yeah, it was just a very, very weird cycle that my, my, my brain liked to take me on, in order to not feel, in order to control instead. And I think it leveled out after college, but then I met a whole new... That relationship with my body when I became a fitness instructor eventually was interesting because I'm like, I'm healthy. I'm working out all the time. And then it was a whole new level of disconnection from my body because in order to work out as much as I was working out, I had to disconnect because my body was like, this is not natural and this doesn't feel good. And so there's just overall, there's been many points in my life where I've unconsciously chosen to disconnect because connecting would have been too painful.

34:55And I chose to just control instead, whether it was through food, restricting, working out. And I don't think it was until leaving SoulCycle and really feeling what it felt like to have like homeostasis in my body and not the stress coursing through my veins. the adrenaline, could I actually connect and hear my body again? So it had been a really long time. And in that journey, I mean, I just naturally lost weight. I kind of came back to what felt like a natural weight, if you want to call it, or a natural kind of form in my body. and from that place, I didn't feel like I had to do anything to control.

35:51I just felt like I could actually listen and trust that what my body needed and wanted was exactly what it needed and wanted and I didn't need to bring my mind into the equation to tell me otherwise. And then now I'm in a season of being pregnant for the second time where yet again, I'm feeling like it's hard when your body changes and you want to like control it and you have fear around will it ever go back I had this the first time with Mav um and just feeling like what the what does that mean about me you know I think as women we tie so much of our identity to how our look and feel um more than men for sure and so I've just had to monitor where my brain goes in those moments of like, you know, what does this mean about me?

36:46How am I perceived? Um, it brings me back to the days where I really relied on my body to be that like calling card in the world. So it's really a call for me to one, like deeply, deeply sit in the respect that I have for my body because of what it's doing. And my body's doing, my therapist was like, your body's doing exactly what it needs to do in order to create life, which is so simple. And it's like, yes, of course. But to really feel that is like deeply profound for me because I think so often we forget like the incredible intelligence of our bodies and the incredible resilience of our bodies and the incredible life cycles that our bodies go through and take us through.

37:38So yeah, I wouldn't say I never have the thought of feeling insecure or just like this body is not mine and frustration around that. But I have, I think, more awareness than ever. and I think more patience with myself and that part of me than ever. And I have proof in what I've experienced with my first pregnancy that I was blown away by just how, you know, what my body did, how it recovered. Not to say it'll be the same, but I'm ready to be blown away again, even if it's different, you know, and just kind of be with her throughout the process, even if there are moments of like discomfort or not recognizing myself.

38:31Yeah. I think something I heard in that, which is something that I really wish I could tell my 20-year-old self was your body is not an object. It's an experience. And we just objectify our body so much. Like it's like your body is creating life and we're like, look hot, you know like it's like I remember seeing this meme one of our communities shared and it was like for moms like postpartum it's like me just creates life from nothing it's like the world are you hot yet yeah and it's so real like I think in your 20s it was all about the objectification of your body like how others see your body how others perceive your body whether that's with sex or whether that's with you know culture and people and I think the more that you can just be in the experience of like your body as this like living, breathing entity, the sensory experience of your body, like the pleasure experience of your body, the experience of enjoying your food, of enjoying moving, of enjoying your life.

39:27Like you experienced your life through your body. Like that is like how you are here. It is like the vessel for divinity that your soul chose. And I think the less we can just see it as this thing that's outside of us, not part of us, like that just we're looking at it through the lens of someone else, I think the better. Yeah. But it's interesting though, just on that point, sometimes it has helped me to see myself in the physical form through other people's eyes. Sometimes when it's like a positive, healthy, you know, interpretation of it, whether it's my husband, whether it's you, like, I just feel like sometimes that helps me get out of my own loop.

40:10Totally. I think it's like, you're right. Yeah. Well, it's other people, That love you help you see the truth. Yeah, exactly. They help you see when your vision's blurry, when you're like, what? You know, like, what am I talking about? Or like, what is, and that's what's crazy working with women so closely. Like, sometimes I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, what are you seeing? Like, just because it's, and I say that with love and someone that has done that myself. Like, we live in this, this like, these, we have these veils over us. We have these parts of our pain that stick in our aura that cause us to see the world through that.

40:44I'm fat. I'm not enough. I'm not powerful. I'm a loser, whatever. And like when you're looking at someone with the purity of heart and the purity of love and the purity of like the truth, like I see you the truth, you can see through like what are you talking about? Like that's so crazy. Like I think so many people in our lives and I've known beautiful women, thin women, stunning women that have like struggled so much with their body. And you're like, what are you talking about? Like, what is this world that you're in? Like, there's no woman that I've ever met that's been safe from having this struggle or feeling this pain or having this experience.

41:18And I think with the more with the objectification of the body, realizing that your body is always going to be with you. It's always going to be there. I think we think we can change it enough that it will be different. It's like, no, like I'm always going to be 5 '8". I'm always going to have like aspects of me that are always going to be the same. Like the more we can accept those aspects and attributes and really just lean into them, love them, like be with them, the better. And I think in the body process too, for anyone in their 20s or anyone that's wanting to love their body, the process doesn't need to be like you going from deep self-hating and loathing and hate to body love and celebration.

41:53It's like just moving to neutrality and respect, I think could be the goal that you have because it might not be that you're ever like, I'm in love with my body. I'm so beautiful. but if you can just have reverence and neutrality for all that your body does for you, like your life will be so much better because your entire life is possible because your body, I've been thinking about that this week. I'm like, I'm going here, I'm doing this, I'm doing that. And we're so in the mind of like, what am I doing? Where am I going? All that. And it's like, I am going because my feet are moving my legs.

42:25I'm moving because my body is well enough and functioning enough to allow me to sit here, to allow me to digest this food, to allow me to speak to you, to allow me to think like, what? And it's just doing this all the time with no respect and no love, just consistently there for us. A hundred percent. Crazy. How have you felt after having a transformation like you've had physically, mentally, emotionally, across the board? Do you still have moments with your body that feel like kind of old talk and old interaction and how, like, what do you do in those moments? Yeah. So, and for anyone that's new or listening, like I think after my divorce, I lost like 20 pounds or something, maybe more.

43:11And it was really just like this process of completely shedding and feeling all my feelings and completely changing how I relate to food because of my emotional experience. And yeah, I just, I completely re-related how I worked with food and I've talked about it before on the podcast, but now with my body, yeah, I'm just like, it's changed in so many ways, but I would be lying if I didn't have the thought. Like, I think I, you know, I'm like, I feel so fit and so good. And like, I just love the way I look, but sometimes I'm like, I wish I had a fat ass, you know, like sometimes I'm just like, oh, like I'll have these like intrusive thoughts of like, yeah, I wish I could like change this.

43:47I wish I could do that. And I think right now I just find like, okay, the way I process that emotion or feelings, is that true for me? It's like, yeah, that'd be kind of cool. Like I do love my body. I'd like to build more muscle. Okay. How can we use this for motivation and like a light goal? Not like where something I'm like hating myself. I think something's wrong with me. I'm like, I'm just like, cool. I'm going to start lifting glutes more. I'm going to start lifting legs more. I'm going to like make progress to something that I desire, but I'm not going to hate myself if I'm not there and I'm not going to hate myself in the process.

44:17I think too, like last night I was at a, or the night before I was at a dinner with a friend and we ate an entire bread basket, like risotto, cake for dessert, ice cream, whipped cream, and like some fish. And I was like, ooh, that was like, I hadn't eaten that day either because I'd been running around, not normal for me. I had like bars and just nothing good. So I was excited about a good healthy dinner of like a salad and like really a lot. Like I was excited for a lot. And I just was in, I had a moment where I was like, ooh, like I did not love this experience and it is from the lens of body.

44:51There is that part of it, but I was also like, there wasn't much nutritional value. There was so much sugar. There was so many things in here that were not really supportive of what my body really needed. And I don't like that I wasn't supporting my body before. So I had like good blood sugar. I had enough protein. I felt really good. So I was like stable when I came. So it's sort of the feeling of like, there was a better opportunity for me to take care of myself that I could have been taking. And sometimes I get disappointed about that. And how has dating been? It's like circling back to that time in our teens, 20s where the body becomes a thing that they're...

45:29It's like the first line of what they're seeing of attraction. I'm just curious how dating has felt. Yeah. I mean, it's totally different. I would be completely lying if I wouldn't say it was totally different. I mean, my body's changed. I've also just changed physically. I look so different. And I'm so much more confident. That's the thing too. My energy is completely different. Like I just am so much more open and flirty and loving and just vivacious and feminine. And so that all leads to it too, but like it's completely different. Like I just, I do also feel the objectification of men way more.

46:00I feel men making comments about my body all the time. Like it's just, yeah, it's a different experience. And so you have to like find the balance of feeling like I'm a beautiful woman that wants to be loved and admired for my beauty. And then also there's so much more. and so I think sometimes when you're I felt like it's a good way in and sometimes I've just stayed there where I'm like okay we're just gonna be talking we're gonna be in a physical experience and then I'm like oh okay cool you can't go further and then feeling that grief and disappointment of like oh I'm like so much more than than this and I'm I'm beautiful I'm not like insane it's not like I'm insanely so it's not like I'm a supermodel or anything like that but I think it has been an experience in dating but it's honestly made it really beautiful and fun because I just feel so good within myself to enjoy my body, the sensory experience of my body, my femininity.

46:49I enjoy meals. I enjoy life. I enjoy like, you know, I'm not... I think if I would have come in before with that constant nagging of like, I need to lose weight or there's something wrong with me, that's also in the room if I'm at dinner with a man. Exactly, yeah. And I think it keeps you from the deepest connection that you want to have. For sure. So for any woman that wants to have a deep love and connection with someone, a man, you'd be like, I want him to love me for all that I am. If you don't love yourself for all that you are, how can you expect him to? So it's a huge part of your healing to be in right relationship with the partner that really loves you, to be in right relationship with your own body and respect and love and honor your own body.

47:22It's cues, it's wisdom, it's guidance, it's intuition. And I think I'm still, you know, I'm really far, but I'm still on my journey with that.

47:35Okay. So lately I've been thinking a lot about how I want to support my body in this season of life, in this kind of like preconception mode, conception mode. And it's a season of life that I've been through before. I have one son. I'm just really intentional about what I'm putting in my body and how I am making sure I'm getting the nutrients that I need. So there's so much information out there and it can feel overwhelming trying to make the right choices when it comes to your prenatal. One thing I feel really good about is that in my first pregnancy, I took Ritual's Essential Prenatal. Even if you're just in a phase of preparing your body or being intentional about foundational nutrients, it feels like such a supportive place to start.

48:13Their clinically backed essential prenatal includes key nutrients like choline, folate, and omega-3. And I love that the ingredients are traceable and thoughtfully sourced. I and a lot of my friends chose ritual because I really love and trust the level of research behind it. It's the only leading prenatal backed by its own human clinical trial, and it was clinically shown to deliver key nutrients like folate, biotin, and vitamin D. I also appreciate that it uses methylated folate and a patented capsule designed to dissolve in the small intestines, which I found makes it really gentle and easy to take, especially I remember that first trimester.

48:52It was kind of like a hard thing to wrap my head around that I had to take prenatals, but it made it a lot easier. So compared to other supplements I've tried, it's just been a better overall experience for me. So I highly recommend don't settle for less than evidence-based support. Save 25 % on your first month of Ritual at ritual.com slash almost 30. That's ritual.com slash almost 30 for 25 % off your first month.

49:21Yeah, it's interesting because I feel like a lot of, I feel like it's a good point. A lot of women out there who are single and on their healing journey as well, Sometimes they feel like they need to do it, like heal it all before they meet the person and be ready. We don't believe that's true. But on that connection with the body front, I think that would be one to really focus on before calling in or engaging with like someone you feel like could be, you know, a long-term partner because they can only do so much. I think there's a lot of healing you do with a partner. but I think on the body front, so much of that is your own, you know, and it's sacred and it should be your own.

50:10And like you said, it's kind of the other person in the room if you're in a relationship and it's, I think it's hard for a partner to understand fully, you know, and because they're seeing something totally different most of the time. Totally. And it could be a space for vulnerability and healing. And I think that's a really, really good point. I think also too, like I just would have been so much more gentle with my body and, you know, like slowing down, really understanding what works for me. I think if in my twenties, I would have understand like my body is its own unique experience and journey different than other people's.

50:44What works for me food wise, routine wise, sleep wise is so different. And I think you learn that over time in life. Like you kind of only learn that through trial and error and through experience, but you know, I don't eat dairy. I don't really like dairy, not my testimony. I haven't eaten meat since I was 18. It works great for me. I feel amazing. I eat fish now, you know? And so like, just being like, okay, Krista, I love getting up super early. I love walking. Like I love lifting, like what works for you and how can you stick with it? But instead I was kind of trying what everyone else is doing.

51:16Like I was trying all the diets, all the things like, maybe this will work. Maybe this will work. Maybe this will help. Maybe this will help. And when you're able to just really own yourself and own what you know to be true about yourself. I love getting eight hours of sleep. I like sleeping in a pitch back room. I don't like eating gluten. Can't really eat nightshades. You know, like just owning it, like it can be so much better. In metamorphosis, like one of the things that we talk about later in the program is like being okay with being a weirdo or like having opinions or having your own flow and preference.

51:48Like it's okay for you to go to a dinner and be like, yeah, actually I don't eat gluten. It doesn't feel good for me. I ate dinner before I came here just because I wanted to eat a meal that was really nourishing. I'm not going to eat as much. You're okay to break the mold of what everyone else is doing, what everyone else is eating, what everyone else wants you to eat. I'm not drinking tonight. I'm going to have tea after dinner, not dessert. You are okay to love your body in the unique way that you're doing it. It doesn't mean you have an eating disorder. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

52:17the way our society and culture is set up with food and eating and going out, it's not going to set you up for success. So you kind of have to have your own boundaries for yourself with that. Yes. A hundred percent. I think that comes with time and age too. Like just being okay. I mean, if my 20 year old self or 20 self did that, I think we'd be much further along in that way. So that's a good thing to remind them of. But I do think for me, it's just come with age and confidence and experience and knowing that when I do that, I'm actually a better person, not only for myself, but for my friends, for my partner, for my family, where, you know, I think it also shows them the possibility of having preferences and being okay doing something that might not be what everyone else is doing.

53:08So I do think you can be a leader for yourself and a leader like within your community realm in that way. I would also tell my 20 something self just that I think if she would have known, this sounds like super out there, But I would have loved to educate her or have her kind of dive deep into just the body's intelligence on so many different levels. We talked about this. But like actually understanding how my hormones work. Oh, my gosh. What do you mean? Like how I'm different throughout the month. I didn't understand that. I was on birth control. So I actually didn't experience that. But like before and after, you know, I would have, I would have loved to know that I wasn't experiencing what I should experience when I was on birth control.

54:11Like I just, I would have loved to sit her down and just kind of give her a little one-on-one on, on the body, on hormones, on nutrition, on, um, the effects, the gut brain connection, like all these things. Yeah. So if you've heard these buzzwords, you're in your twenties, you heard these buzzwords. Like, I think it's, it's a worthwhile dig to learn about these things because it explains so much about my emotional life, about my mood, about my energy, about my digestion. Um, and I could have taken, I think, better steps knowing what was actually happening rather than just being like, I'm in a mood.

54:58Let's go down a bottle of Chardonnay. I think it'll help. Oh yeah, totally. You know what I mean? Yeah. That was like the solution was like, okay, let's drink more, eat something. Yeah. I think I would say figure out and learn about your hormones. Learn about your gut brain connection. Learn about how certain foods can impact your mood. Figure out your sleep. Get really good sleep. Learn about blood sugar. Learn about what happens when you drink alcohol. what happens when you drink alcohol. Because once you know, you might not drink as much. I know. Honestly, I think they're not drinking as much anymore.

55:31They're not. The kids. Yeah. They're definitely not. But also weed or any like... Yeah. I think they're doing drugs. Yeah. I think so. But weed has a profound impact, especially on some people who are genetically prone to certain neurological things or... I don't like weed. It's a very possessive plant. Yeah, I think that I really love that. So my overall thing that I would tell myself in this process of it is like, understand the basics of your body, which is what you just said. Find a purpose outside of you that exists beyond you looking a certain way that can motivate and pull you toward having more foundational confidence in who you are as a person outside of your body.

56:21figure out your own unique blueprint for success, whatever sleep amount that is, whatever food that is, whatever diet that is, eating alone, eating with people, eating outside, eating inside. Like get surgical with yourself and study yourself and what works for you. And then I would find, you know, this way that you can really look at the body as this collaborative partner and this friend and see whatever you can to have presence and love and attention given to the body with thanks and gratitude for all it's given for you outside of being a perfect weight or a perfect size. Definitely. And I would just add this idea of being in relationship with your body before you let other people be in relationship with your body.

57:08It's a really good one. I think cultivating that relationship is so important and feeling that trust and connection before you use that as the first line of connection with other people. That doesn't have to be, you know, in a sexual way, but just noticing, like, am I only focused on how I look when I go out today? You know, can I kind of be more focused on my kindness and my inner light shining rather than what it looks like on the outside. And all these things are like not easy, right? Like it's hard to go out and not care about what you look like. But I think just in terms of how you're walking around embodied, it's like knowing that this is a beautiful suit that like will change over time.

58:05And so can we actually attract the people and experiences through who we really are like on a soul level and just let that come through first and take very much, a lot of care in cultivating that relationship with your body in your own time, in your own way before kind of giving it, giving it away. Mm-hmm. Beautiful. We love you guys. The body. We have other episodes on the body. If you search body, Almost 30, there's been a few. I've talked about my body journey quite a bit. I also have the metamorphosis program. You can do a 10-day body challenge on my website. It's krista.com. If you want to have 10 days of learning to love your body more deeply, we are very grateful for you.

58:52Thank you for subscribing, for reviewing. If you felt like this episode resonated with you, we would love a review. That would be super kind. We also have our book. Almost 30, our book came out in June, and there's a whole section I did on the body, and there's a whole section Lindsay did on nutrition and health and wellness. So there's so much more resource in the Almost 30 book that you can get on Amazon, anywhere you buy books. You can find more information about me at itskrista.com and on Instagram at itskrista. And I'm on Instagram at lindsay simsik. And for the mamas out there going through identity and body changes, you can follow my Substack Momplex.

59:24Love you guys. We'll see you soon. Bye. Bye.

59:36viviez