871. If You’re Constantly Wondering ‘Could This Be My Person?’…Listen to this

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1:12Lindsey Metselaar:Hello and welcome to the Almost 30 podcast. It's Lindsay, your girl, one half of the Almost 30 podcast. I'm so glad you're here. This is a solo episode, which we do once a month at least. Kristen and I have been really doubling down on our solos, both together and individually, because we heard from you. You guys want more of these? I think us starting the podcast on our closet floors and talking about life and all the things that we were moving through brought so many of you here. And while our guests are incredible and we've learned so much and we will continue to bring on guests, I think the solos are a really special peek inside our brains and our hearts, what we're moving through.

1:54And what we found is that when we share, usually a lot of you either relate or learn something or think about something differently. And so, yeah, if we can have a vulnerable moment with you here in our solos and make a difference, it is well worth it.

2:11Lindsey Metselaar:So today I wanted to do a solo inspired by my time dating. If you've been here for a while, you know, I had a whole moment in my life. It was truly my brand of being the single girl. The sacredness of being single was a program that I created, was a movement I led. No, it was a very, very powerful time in my life. And I've spoken to thousands of you about this time in your life. and really we've reframed it for ourselves. We've rewritten this story that it's a murky in between. It is a super powerful and purposeful in between in your life. And if you don't lean into it and really find the growth opportunities and be okay with the silence and the quiet and cultivate that relationship with yourself, dating and being in a relationship could actually be harder.

3:16So I wanted to kind of zero in on an experience or pattern that I had that I was very judgmental of during my dating years, and that is future tripping. Future tripping, I used to judge. I used to think I was too much. Girl, why are you thinking about this guy? And if you can marry him and whether your parents will like him and what vacations would be like with him in 10 years. Why are we doing this? Why are you pulling yourself out of this moment and just living in the future on date one?

3:53Lindsey Metselaar:And I realized, you know, however many years later, now married, I am with my person. We are building a life. And I realized that actually the future tripping was a superpower. And actually, my brain was trying to tell me things during this time. And so I want to walk us through why that is and how we can kind of use it as a tool and use it as a really special indicator as we're dating. It doesn't mean that we're going to live in the future the whole time. It doesn't mean we aren't going to make an effort to be as present as possible with someone. And it doesn't mean that we can't grow with someone, but I think this particular part of human nature is so interesting and so purposeful.

4:48So again, I have credibility in this space. I was single for about seven years. My husband always makes a little like sing song about this. He's like, I was single for seven years. Yes, I was.

5:04Lindsey Metselaar:A lot of dates, a lot of data. Okay. And now I'm married to Sean and I can really look back and see exactly what my brain was doing. So future tripping and dating. Let's talk about it. If you don't know, it is when you are mentally projecting into a future with someone. So like someone new, someone you just met, it could be on the first date where you are imagining, okay, like, can I marry this person? Would this person be a good father? How would my parents react to this person? What kind of house would we live in? Would we live in a city or the country? Like, what would he be like every morning next to me?

5:48And, you know, I think my immature brain was like, this is embarrassing. You're doing too much. Like, This is why guys aren't sticking around. You're desperate. But no, there is something happening neurologically. So I want to read a little bit about the science. So when we meet someone, okay, when we meet someone we are drawn to, like someone we are attracted to, the brain's reward circuitry. So the dopamine and what's called the nucleus accumbens,

6:20Lindsey Metselaar:they activate, simulating futures to assess probability of reward. How interesting. Okay. Then there's also the prospection happening. So we're, you know, the human ability to mentally time travel forward. We are assessing, you know, prospects, whether it's people, opportunities. psychologists Martin Seligman and Roy Baumeister argue the human brain is fundamentally a future-making machine, not a past-processing one, which I think is really interesting when we think about manifestation and we think about just the power to create worlds outside of what we feel like our past holds us to, which I think a lot of us can get stuck in.

7:14Lindsey Metselaar:Future tripping is also tied to attachment system activation. So we know attachment theory. We've read about it. We've heard about it. Maybe we've learned about it. Maybe we've like really applied it to ourselves. When we feel a pull, our nervous system models what safety and connection might look like. So this is biology doing its job just to validate you if you are someone who is future tripping. But what gets tricky is this cultural message of don't get too ahead of yourself. Don't look desperate. Try to stay present. And I've said these things, not the desperate part, but stay present. Stay present with this person.

7:56Pick up on the things that they're showing you and giving you in the present moment. And that is true. but two things can be true at once. And that is you might be tripping to the future and that is you are able to gather information from there, mostly about yourself and for yourself. And then in the present moment, you can be gathering information and data from what you're experiencing about this person, both like actual information and running it through your system and also how this person is making you feel.

8:31Lindsey Metselaar:So while presence absolutely matters, make no mistake, it absolutely matters. We have overcorrected into suppressing our emotions and that makes us not trust our instincts. So we got to swing back a little bit. You can stay present and notice what your imagination is doing during this interaction. Okay. So I want you to reframe or rebrand your imagination as a diagnostic tool. Okay. So if you are sitting there and you are on a first date and you just met this person, say on Hinge, and you sit down at your local pub and you know, you're looking at this person and they have really kind eyes and they're telling you about their mom and you're like, wow, he's going to be a great husband one day.

9:24Like if he talks about his mom like that. Like I'm sure, you know, like just going all the places. But this future tripping, sure, it could tell you about them perhaps, but I want you to actually focus on what it is telling you about you, what you want, what you fear, what you're ready for. There's a lot of information here that I think we miss. And so I want you to take note. All right, how do we do this? Let's just assess a situation and ask some questions.

10:03Lindsey Metselaar:This future that you're imagining, right? I'm sure it's a scene. You know, we paint it pretty specifically. There's a lot of details. What is this picture exactly? Are you traveling? Is it adventurous? Is it more relaxing? Maybe you're craving expansion, right? Because travel really means kind of stepping outside of your comfort zone. It means outside of your routine. So maybe you are craving expansion. Are you picturing more of like a cozy domestic scene? Like coffee on a Sunday morning, them making you eggs and toast. Maybe you're craving safety and comfort and stability in that way. Picturing someone, say, coming to your events, you know, if you are a speaker or a performer, you picture this person in the audience just looking up at you, admiring you.

11:02You know, maybe you are craving that visibility being seen, being appreciated, being, you know, honored and loved in that way. So next time you catch yourself future tripping, don't shame spiral. I actually want you afterwards, as soon as possible afterwards, to write down exactly what you pictured. So this is your new love language map. It is going to give you a lot of information. It will give you information about your values, what you really value in a partnership, what you really value in life. So try that out. Let me know how it goes. it really gives a purpose to this quote habit that we think we have and we need to break.

11:55It's like, no, what information is future tripping giving me?

12:00Lindsey Metselaar:Future tripping can also be a tool that doubles as like a red flag radar. Okay. Hear me out. Future tripping can also surface nervous fears. You know, I've definitely been in dating situations way back when where I would future trip and I would almost hit like a roadblock or like just this feeling of like uneasiness when thinking about this person in the future. and my nervous system I know now was already clocking how this person would fit into my life. So it was clocking it before my conscious mind could catch up. So this is really important. You know, our bodies are so intelligent. You know, our nervous system is, you know, a network throughout our entire body that controls or affects so much.

13:05And so when I would feel that like tightness in my chest or just feel kind of like that confusion and just not that like easeful clarity back then, I would try to force it. And I'd be like, well, maybe they could change and, you know, maybe I could help them become that. But what I know now is that my nervous system was giving me the data on this person that maybe the way they talked about their dating life was actually an indication that they weren't ready to be in a partnership. Maybe the way that they were so obsessed with work and had their priorities really imbalanced was going to be an issue for me.

13:57Or maybe not. This is just kind of preferential, but know how it registers to your nervous system and your body. So again, future tripping can be a desire detector for your values. It can be just a map for your love language. And it can also be a red flag radar. Okay? So it can be both.

14:26Lindsey Metselaar:This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and it's a reminder that whatever you're going through, you don't have to go through it alone. Life has seasons. We know this. Some feel really grounded and others can feel overwhelming, especially when you're carrying things quietly in your own head. I think there are always things that keep us up at night. I've got a few of those right now, big decisions, transitions, relationships, work, and it's easy to feel like we're supposed to figure it all out ourselves, but no one has all the answers. That's the truth. Having someone to talk to who's there to listen and support can make a huge difference.

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18:25or Stride Bank N.A. MyPay eligibility requirements apply, and credit limit ranges$20 to$500. Optional services and products may have fees or charges. See chime.com slash fees info. Advertised annual percentage yield with Chime Plus status only. Otherwise, 1.00 % APY applies. No min balance required. Chime card on-time payment history may have a positive impact on your credit score. Results may vary. See chime.com for details and applicable terms. The third way I now know I can use future tripping is for compatibility. So it can really be a compatibility compass, okay?

18:55Lindsey Metselaar:When you're future tripping, you are running a values compatibility simulation, a values compatibility simulation. Okay. So you're kind of bringing like your values, what you perceive as their values based on like probably an hour of interaction and kind of seeing if they fit pretty well together in a simulation. So give it a scene, give it a year, give it different circumstances, and just seeing like, huh, does that feel good? Does that feel compatible? And granted, like an hour, you're not going to have all the information that you need to be super, super accurate. But again, so much of this is energetic and what your nervous system is picking up on that you can trust.

19:50So, you know, you're picturing, do they actually fit into my life? Their way of life, my way of life, what's important to us, do they fit in? Or are you constantly kind of like editing in the moment in order for them to fit in? So saying like, well, maybe, you know, if they are someone who's like kind of nobatic, Maybe I could work remote or quit my job and then I could figure it out and we could go across the country and just kind of like extremely editing your life so they fit in. Does the imagined future feel expansive or does it feel like you're quietly compromising? So just really feeling into that part of compatibility where do you expand each other?

20:47Do you inspire each other? Do you make each other grow? Does it feel like you can really become more of who you're meant to be? Or do you have to dim your light? Do you have to compromise on a lot of things? And don't get it twisted. You're going to compromise in a relationship. That is a part of being in a relationship. But I do think there's a nuance to that in that are you abandoning yourself when you compromise? Or are you understanding that there is actually a benefit in compromising with someone you love and knowing that it will have to have been on their side as well? Like there's a difference between that and abandoning yourself in the compromise.

21:32you might be picturing them with your friends and family. Do you see them like your friends and family embracing this person? Or are you already anxious about your parents meeting this person? Or are you already negotiating in your heart like, okay, well, maybe I won't introduce this person to so-and-so because I feel like they don't really like that type of person and like just doing the most, which I've done so many times before. And it's not always about the person that you're dating. It might be about your relationship with those people. It's very complex and layered, but I want you to notice, are you yourself kind of negotiating and trying to like position this out so it works, like forcing it to work.

22:22So again, you can really pick up on compatibility in these future tripping moments. It's not like, you know, a surefire diagnostic tool, but it's going to give you information. Okay.

22:35Lindsey Metselaar:So it's a desire detector. It's a red flag radar. It's a compatibility compass. Okay. Can we remember that? Three things. All right. So one of the biggest questions I've gotten over the years related to dating and especially to that early dating period is, is this intuition or is this anxiety? Both can show up in your feelings about the future. Both feel urgent, you know, but they are very different. Okay, let's talk about it. So intuition for me, I will describe from my perspective and you can kind of noodle on your own and see how it feels for you. Intuition for me is a quiet knowing. It's very quiet, but it has just like these roots and this stabilizing, peaceful nature about it.

23:45Anxiety, sometimes I, like literally I will hear my anxiety sometimes. It's almost like an inner voice that's shouting at me. And it's so loud and it's so chaotic and I'm overwhelmed by it. I almost just want to be like, shut up, stop. But I never feel that way about my intuition. My intuition is quiet and it knows. It almost waits for me to come around and to listen. But the anxiety is noise. It is just, it's urgency. Intuition is consistent over time. Consistent, just again, loyal, like she's there. And if you stray and you question, she's like, I'll be here when you're ready. And then anxiety fluctuates depending on if he texts you today or whether, you know, you get a match on your dating profile.

24:53Like it fluctuates with the circumstances. It's all over the place. It's very circumstantial in that way. I remember, oh my gosh, dude, dating people. If I was dating someone, I rarely dated more than one person. I just couldn't handle two. But like if I was dating someone and it was kind of like one of those people that texted me just like when they had time, when they would finally text me, I mean, the happiness, the way my mood would switch, you know, was unreal. And then when they wouldn't for like days, I mean, my nervous system was like off the rails and I was like always thinking about it, always checking my phone.

25:41That is anxiety. Okay. Intuition doesn't need reassurance. We don't need to over-explain. Intuition is, it is a knowing. Anxiety is, yeah, anxiety is, again, very circumstantial. Like it'll appear when this happens and disappear when this happens. Right? So it's similar to what I just said, but to reiterate, like it fluctuates. It's It's predictable in the sense that it's associated with certain things going right and certain things like that you can control and make you feel stable rather than an inner stability and inner knowing being your compass or your foundation. Your intuition will be pretty clear about, no, this way.

26:45It'll point clearly towards something. You might want to avoid it. You might want to deny it. You might want to question it, but it's pretty clear. Anxiety keeps you spinning in one place. You're going to spin. You're going to spin. You're going to get confused. You're going to get dizzy. Probably won't know which way is up at times. So intuition is clear. It's pointing in a direction. Anxiety will keep you spinning. I remember when I was dating in LA, I was dating this specific person. It's funny because like I'll say dating, but then like if I were to ask that person, they'd be like, we hooked up a few times.

27:26Yeah, that's part of the problem. Um, I just remember wanting more clarity from this person and my intuition was like, was telling me pretty clearly that this person was not available. was not ready to settle down. And not that I was, but like not ready to be in a more like committed or exclusive relationship. My intuition knew that. She was waiting for me to come around. And so I would do so many things for this person that someone in a committed or exclusive relationship would do for another person, but without having that clarity or conversation. And I just remember like the reaction from the other person was like so far from what I wanted.