880. When you’re not on the timeline you thought you’d be

0:00A quick shout out to the brand supporting our show today. Kachava. Go to Kachava.com and use code ALMOST30 for 15 % off your first order. Air Doctor. Head to AirDoctorPro.com and use promo code MICRODOSE to get up to$300 off today. Hero Bread. Go to Hero.co and use code A30POD at checkout. Better help. You don't have to say yes to everything this summer. Find support in therapy. Sign up and get 10 % off at betterhelp.com slash almost 30. Naturium. Give your skin the affordable, luxurious glow-up it deserves. Go to naturium.com slash almost 30 for 10 % off your first purchase today. This episode is brought to you by Prime.

0:46What if you had one more chance with the one that got away? Sam, you came home. Based on the best-selling novel from Carly Fortune. Every year after follows childhood friends Sam and Percy as they reunite in the dreamy, nostalgic lakeside town of Ferry's Bay. Love can be hard to find. So if you're lucky enough to find that person, never let go. A second chance at first love. Every year after. Now streaming only on Prime. Women 40 years plus are having children at a rate of 127 % higher since 1990. The biggest one that people saw online was women over 40 having more babies than teenagers, than teen pregnancies.

1:2785 % of women in their 20s now are childless, which is wild. Women haven't even been allowed to vote for a long time, haven't been able to own credit cards. In so many places in the world, women do not have voices at all. You are actually now, for the first time, seeing women self-direct their own timelines. There is no timeline in the new paradigm than the timeline of your soul. I think the biggest regret I have of the girl boss thing was that I thought I had tons of time and I didn't. What if I'm just like being willy-nilly and I just have my like head in the sand? I know amazing women that are single.

2:04I know amazing women that don't have children. I know amazing women that weren't able to have children. I know amazing women that have struggled to get pregnant. I know amazing women that have lost children while trying to get pregnant.

2:31Hello and welcome to Almost 30 Podcast. My name is Krista Williams and I'm really glad you're here. And I'm secretly sad that you're here because I decided this episode was going to be really vulnerable and honest and a stretch for me and one that I have like general notes but like that I wanted to feel really from the heart and really authentic and true and is something that I never thought I'd talk about and something that I don't really want to talk about. But sometimes the growth edges are uncomfortable and I've always felt like it was my duty to go first in being vulnerable and honest and authentic.

3:12And so we're going to be talking about timelines and women's pressure of timelines. If you're new to the show, welcome. This is, you know, a similar type of vibe of episode. It might be a little bit more, you know, heartfelt and emotional rather than playful and curious as the other episodes. But Almost 30 started, you know, when we had more questions than answers in my late 20s with my best friend. And we decided to start a podcast on our closet floors. We were working full-time jobs. I was in marketing. She was a SoulCycle instructor. And we just kept at that thing until we started Almost 30, which is a brand in community and business that's been around for 10 years now.

3:52We have done courses, programs, retreats, merch, corporate work, brand deals, et cetera. And we've been pioneers in this space, I will say. And as a pioneer, it's my job to go first and be honest and be vulnerable about timelines. So if you are a woman that is on a timeline that you didn't think it was the timeline that you're going to be on, you didn't think you'd be where you are, you didn't think your life would end up this way, this is a conversation that's for you. I think I had to really like get outside my comfort zone here because I feel like there's a part of me that feels a little embarrassed to be where I'm at.

4:27There's a part of me that's critical of myself and judgmental of myself. And, you know, I love myself enough to love that part and just honor and cherish that part and then also to move forward and be truthful because what the heck, what am I here to do but be honest and truthful about my path and be just okay with who I am. So what inspired this conversation was I had my birthday recently and man, you know, birthdays like, wow, what a portal of things. And Friday night, I had a comedy show or Friday, maybe Saturday, Saturday night. I had a comedy show. Each year I have a comedy show. I do a comedy set with my best friends.

5:12We had ice cream. We hung out. It was like 50 people. We bumped rap music. We just danced. We had the best time. And Sunday I had scheduled a few weeks ago to go to Malibu by myself to spend the night at one of my favorite hotels and just have the evening alone. And I just had this intuitive have hit to do that. I was like, I should probably be alone to spend a hotel, to spend a night at a hotel by myself and just kind of process and get out in nature. I had a friend that had been staying with me for a few months at that point. So I was kind of like, okay, I'm going to be in my own space for my birthday evening and just kind of like be with myself.

5:46And I love being with myself. I enjoy my own company. I find myself interesting and curious and just delightful. So I was like, okay, let's be with ourself. And then that day I was hanging out with some friends in the morning and I was like, dude, I do not want to go to this freaking hotel. And I understand, I sound like such a freaking out of touch freak being like, I did not want to go to this Malibu hotel for the evening. It was not my ideal scenario. Puke, I know. But I just was like not feeling it. I was like, I just want to be home. I'm so tired. I feel like enough. Hotel wouldn't let me cancel, wouldn't let me change.

6:22I wasn't going to forego it. So I was like, okay, I'll go. I go. I realized why I had so much resistance to going because I had resistance to all of the emotions and feelings that had come up or that were about to come up when I was alone and when I had a moment to be by myself, when I had a moment to really think about my life, my path, my journey, and where I was. And that's what birthdays do. They give you time to pause and reflect and look at who you are, who you're with, and what your life is and what's going on. And so I had been on my way. I was like, I'm going to get food on the way to have like a really good, healthy, nourishing meal, substantial meal before I get into my hotel room.

7:04Because once I got to my hotel room, I was like, it is, I'm chilling. I'm taking a, I'm in the tub. I'm looking at the stars. I'm in my robe. I'm doing dirty, dirt pig, silly things like you guys don't even know. So I park over, pull over this parking lot, dude. I don't know if it was the gospel music. I don't know what it was, but I just start bawling my eyes out. And I'm like, oh, right. So the resistance was this. So my resistance was the resistance to feel and emote and express. Because for a lot of us, we weren't encouraged to do that from a young age. So I was like, oh, I start bawling in the car.

7:37I'm just like, oh my God. And I just was thinking about like, I'm, and it makes me emotional thinking about it now. Like I'm in a white Tesla, which was like my, so silly you guys, but just be with me. My dream car before I'm on the side of the road in Malibu. I'm healthy. I just had the best birthday with 50 of people that I love. I did a comedy set. I had the morning with people that I love. And I love my life so much. And I love who I am so much. And it's confusing to me because I'm like, I love my life. And yet, it doesn't look at all what it should look like, what I thought it would look like, what I thought it was going to look like.

8:21And it's not even like I was, you know, because I was married before. And it's not even like I was like, I thought we would be together because that's not it. That's not it. And that sounds surprising. But I did think it would be different. And I'm like, it's confusing for me because I'm more successful and more embodied and more in integrity than I could have ever dreamed. And also, I'd be lying if there wasn't a voice, if I didn't acknowledge the voice of this outdated or expired or previous version of me that grew up in Ohio, that's like, girl, you are not married with kids. What are you doing?

9:04This is not your dream life. This is not your path. You are doing something wrong. You are missing the boat. You are off. There's something really wrong here. And so I was sitting in the car on the side of the road or in the parking lot waiting for my food, bawling, my eyes out. I am doing this so right and I'm crushing this and it's all working out for my greatest good and I will meet the right person at the right time and we will have a family and it will be perfect and I have become successful and embodied and who I was meant to be along that route or I'm fucking this up and I'm dilly-dallying along and I am not trying hard enough and I'm not making myself open enough and and I'm not healing enough, and I'm not efforting enough, and I'm not doing all the things I need to do, and I'm not apping enough or putting myself out there or whatever to find the person and have a family.

9:59And the thing about it is that there is a window and a timeline for our bodies. Of course, I'm a woman of miracles. I'm a woman of magic. I'm a woman of God. And so I understand that there is flexibility and that there is room for magic and miracles within the body and within life. And I know and believe that if God has it on his heart and in his will for me to have a family, that is what it is. I also believe in free will. And so I've known actually that the later path of my life is actually more about co-creation than direction. And that now I'm at a point where my conscious mind is co-creating the reality with the creator rather than following the guides or the rules.

10:51And that's a totally different esoteric deep subject, but it is my choice. You know, I could choose to be on a path where I'm trying a lot harder, I'm making effort, I'm like putting myself out there doing all the things but I'm not I'm in receivership and I'm in you know there's things happening in my love life but it's like I think for women there's this really tough thing because it's like a lot of us have this desire to have a purpose be who we came here to be, be successful, get our voices heard, be visible, create a business, be an entrepreneur, serve, be creative. And yet we also have this period in time where we have to make the choice that will inherently change the rest of our life for the rest of our life and change us and who we are in our most primary relationship forever.

11:46And you have a time period in which you have to do that decision. And there's a window which you have to make that decision. So for me, being someone that's like, I love my life. I love who I am. I never thought it would be this good in truth of that's how I feel. And if I'm not taking an action, I could be missing out on. And I'm just going to leave in the fact that I'm crying. but because that's what you know what's true is like it's so crazy because it's like you could miss out on the opportunity to be a mother if you like don't hit this window but then you're like I want to be everything that I'm doing is making me all the healing all the work, all of the ways in which I'm like doing so much for my family, my lineage, myself is supporting me and being the best mother, making the best, most optimal choice for the father of my kids.

12:53Like, isn't that like what, like, it's, it's like, how do we do both? You know, like, how do I do all this, healing, growth, you know, build a business and serve. And then also pick the person that's like the best person for my family, the best person for my future. And then also have children in this time. I'm just like, it's so bad because I know women, there's like, I saw this person that did this reel. She's like, I think the biggest regret I have of like the girl boss thing was that I thought I had tons of time and I didn't. And that I thought I had like all this space and grace and I didn't.

13:31And that I started too late to have kids and I waited too long. And I thought I just had all this time in the world and I could just do whatever. And I'm like, oh my God, what if that's going to be the thing? Like, what if I'm just like being willy nilly and I just have my like head in the sand and I'm just like, yeah, we'll just, you know, it's going to happen. We'll figure it out. And the thing about it is like, I trust God, but like I'm making a cringe face. If you're watching on YouTube, you see, but sometimes I'm like, is it all good? You know, cause God is also not here to just like grant every wish that I have.

14:08And sometimes lessons are what we don't want. Like there's a lot of lessons in life I've gotten that I didn't want. There's a lot of lessons that people get that they don't want. And so I'm not saying that I'm like above like, Oh, God is just going to grant every wish that I ever have and it's all going to be perfect because I actually don't freaking know. I have faith and I have trust and I have belief, but I also like know that sometimes if you are not listening to the call to put yourself out there, to try, to trust, to open yourself up, it's also not going to happen in quotes for you. But then I also know that like sometimes God can make miracles happen.

14:43Like it's interesting in the Bible and I've been reading the Bible more lately, more as like a historical document and just like a really powerful set of teaching. But in it, it taught a lot of the women in the Bible actually were like a lot older getting pregnant. Like Sarah was in her seventies and there was so many women that God gave the gift of being pregnant as much, much older. And, you know, especially for that time, like there was radical ages, even for now where women were, got pregnant and there's radical ages for them that got pregnant. So I know it's a part of the path and I know it's a part of what happens for us that we can get pregnant, especially being older.

15:23And I think a lot of women now, more women now are getting pregnant in their forties than they are in their teens, which is so beautiful, especially for a woman that comes from a small town in Ohio where, you know, teen pregnancies were happening, but it is happening where women at like in their forties are getting pregnant. And that means that women have done more work and are more in their body and in their choice and in their gift of motherhood are able to have children. But it's still one of those things, like I'm at such a point in my life where it's like, what if it all works out better than I could have ever imagined?

16:01And then also I'm like, what if it fucking doesn't? and I'm like, because I know amazing women that are single. I know amazing women that don't have children. I know amazing women that weren't able to have children. I know amazing women that have struggled to get pregnant. I know amazing women that have lost children while trying to get pregnant. It's like this kind of bag, you know, sometimes in life I'm like, wow, I know what's up. I know what's going on. I got this all down. I figured this out. I'm attuned. I'm tuned in, tapped and turned on as Abraham Hicks would say. But then sometimes I'm like, dude, I don't freaking know what the heck's going on because I'll meet some of the most amazing women that are not in relationships that want relationship and are not able to find someone.

16:47I know amazing women that want to have a family and are not able to have one. I know amazing women that would be amazing mothers and they're not able to have children. I know all of these things that I'm like, if you're putting all the car this doesn't necessarily make sense so it would be I think a little not insane like insane is too strong of a word but it would be a little naive I guess for me to say like oh yeah it's all gonna work out it's all good like life is great and this is all gonna work out because I don't know what I do know to be true is that at this time I can't deny the deepening relationship with myself, the deepening peace I feel with myself, the deepening service I'm able to be in, this growth opportunity that I've been gifted in life post-divorce and being in relationships post-divorce has been such another expansive opportunity for me to become even better of a future wife, a future mother.

17:53And the thing about it is like, I've never once denied that I wanted to have children. Children are like everything to me. My godson is everything to me. My friend's children are everything to me. Children on the street are everything to me. Like it's never been a question for me. So it's weird because I'm like, I'm not wanting to make an effort or try to date or be in relationship and like change that because I feel so good and I feel so at peace. And I think so many women feel that invisible time. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. I always think summer is supposed to feel like super easy, more sunshine, more travel, more spontaneity.

18:45But if I'm being honest, it can also bring a lot of pressure. There's this feeling that you have to make the most of every weekend, every trip, every moment. It's like a short season. And sometimes that can leave me at least feeling like you're surviving the season instead of actually enjoying it. I don't know about you, but one thing I've learned is that taking care of yourself has to be intentional all year round, whether that's creating boundaries, saying no when you need to, or making space to check in with yourself. Those things truly matter. I'm a testament to that. Therapy can be a really helpful way to better understand your needs, feel more confident, setting boundaries, and create a version of summer that actually feels good.

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20:43It's luxury you can use every single day and that's what creates real consistency. I'm excited for you. So give your skin the affordable, luxurious glow up it deserves. Go to naturium.com slash almost 30 for 10 % off your first purchase. That's naturium.com slash almost 30. There's this invisible timeline, I think, that every woman really feels in their life where they feel like they have to be more successful than they are. They have to be making more money than they are. They have to be further along in their career than they are. They have to be a better mom than they are. They have to be, you know, further along in their marriage and connection than they are.

21:17Like there's so many timelines that women are now held to that they weren't before. Like, think about this. Like for me, I'm like, wait, wait, wait, wait. Like back in the day, I wouldn't even have this as a priority of being successful, being financially independent, being healed, being well. Like none of the things that I've accomplished would be a priority because my only priority would be finding a husband and kids. And so now we have these additional priorities, additional desires, additional wants and needs of our path. And it just makes things like, can we have it all? And I think in some way, my delusional brain is like, yeah, of course.

22:01Like I feel like right now I have it all. I, but then I don't. And I'm like, wait, I don't have it all. You know, there's probably that's like, but then can you? And there's invisible timelines that women feel, whether it's about relationships or being married or having kids or success. And even in success, you know, there's definitely a timeline where I'm I feel like I should be further along in my career. And then there's a part of me that's like, I didn't even know I would have a job outside of the corporate world. So we have all of these outdated versions of us and sort of this media and society programming a lot of times that's sort of keeping us confused.

22:40And that is one thing I'll say in this process that I've really noticed and noted that there was an expired version of me that existed that had grown up in a small town in Ohio that believed that her life had to be married at 28, kids at 30, and the house is bought in there and I'm kind of working up the corporate ladder. And what's so interesting about that part is that that part knows little about all of the good of my life that I've built with my other parts present, my creative part, my entrepreneur part, etc. And so this outdated version was kind of like tugging at me. She was like, hey girl, why are we not married?

23:20Why are we don't have kids right now? What's going on? This is not right. And especially me, I've been in relationships almost my whole life. So there's, I've been in relationships my whole life. So that relationship part is like, girl, SOS, at the most important, at the ninth hour, you're not going to be with someone like, girl, this is when we need it. Like this is the time that we need to be in a relationship and you're not in a relationship. What? And if you're not on these, whatever timelines it is, to be really successful, to be married, to have kids, to have the relationship, you feel like you're behind.

23:55And what is so insane, and I'm just going to say this again in a different way, but the fact that women now have the pressure of timelines with men, with kids, and then success is crazy because we didn't have that before. There wasn't a timeline of success that we were working towards or wanting to seek. We were really just interested in being good moms and wives. And of course, it's so much better this way. Duh. But it's like now it's added to our plate of like now we also feel like we have to climb a corporate ladder or be making a lot of money when we didn't have that before. The timelines that we have, and I've said this to my clients all the time, I say this to myself, that are cultural are dissolving.

24:36The timelines that exist that are cultural are dissolving. And so what looked like a timeline for having children where it was natural in your 20s is now in your 40s. The timeline for success is now in your 40s. They say the average woman's career pivot is at 39. She hits her greatest success at 42. I remember when I was younger, it was like 27, 28, you're getting married. And now I'm like, that is a child bride. I have my girlies in the DMs are like, I'm 28 and I want to find, I'm like, sister, go live in Europe for the summer. Like do live your life. And there's cultural ideas we have around women's success, women's, you know, when they should be married, how they should be married.

25:27And all of that is sort of going away because now women are making more money than men, more successful than men, outperforming men in a lot of different areas. And so what were the cultural ideas around men and women and relationships is also going away. So now that women are often the breadwinners and are often the leaders in the household, what are we going to do now about timelines? Because if women are breadwinners and they're making most of the money and they also have to have the children and bear the role of mother, that's going to change her ability and opportunity to do that. And I think the reason why women are waiting longer is a lot because women are now breadwinners and making money and leading the household in the home.

26:08Almost every single woman in my life is the breadwinner in the home. And I don't know if mine's a weird situation because I'm friends with people that are entrepreneurs and in the media space or in the wellness space or whatever. But like most people I know are breadwinners. And so that also requires the man in the relationship to assume a different role and position when you're having children. So that changes the timeline for that relationship and that connection and that bond. And women are now marrying later than I ever have before. There's actually fewer married households and there's actually more single child-free paths that people are taking.

26:53There's a lot of women now that actually don't want to have kids. I work with a lot of women as a coach that chose to not have children are in relationships or not in relationships and children doesn't feel like the path for them. And so there's more opportunity, there's more choice, there's more ability for you to write a different path and go on a different way than there was before. Because before it was get married, have kids, that's the path. Stay married forever. Now people are getting divorced more often. People are choosing to not get married. There's really a lot of options and opportunity for us to be more creative, for us to be more expressed ourselves.

27:27And, you know, there is the other side of that too, where the timelines that we're on are not really stable and they're not guaranteed. But oftentimes our bodies can really feel pressure. Like there is a biological awareness that exists. And I think, you know, as I've gotten older, I've been like this connection and bond I have with someone is so strong because of trauma. I'm just kidding. Sometimes. But it's like because I'm like my body is like I desire creation. I desire to make a family. I desire to procreate. I'm like ready to carry a baby. And we have a biological awareness as women and you know we can feel and be in touch and in tune to desire to nest and slow down and change our priorities and change the way we're showing up in the world.