901. Toxic relationships: How they hurt you + how to find healing

0:00What is the reason why someone does? We consciously say, I want to be in a toxic relationship. I think we go for toxic relationships because we're familiar with them. We know how to survive them. When you know how to walk through thorns and shattered glass and you know that you can get to the other side, you've survived it. To you, it's not going to be anything that's new. If you leave a toxic relationship, you become cynical for a while. If somebody's nice to you, you think, hmm, I wonder what your intention is. I think for me, the parts when there is like a break of trust within myself because I've betrayed myself, I have to also show myself.

0:38I can say and be there for that part, but it also for me takes proof and action. When people ask me, well, then how do I allow people after I've been so heartbroken and damaged? I say you have to have a conversation with the part of you that's really scared to let someone in and tell that part.

1:11hey guys welcome back to almost 30 podcast what's up so today on the podcast we have one of my friends Najwa Zebian and we're here to talk about her new book called the one who broke you can't heal you. Yes, it's called the one who broke you can't heal you. And it's about letting go of toxic bonds and building healthy ones. And this conversation is about toxic friendships, toxic relationships, toxic ties that we all have had in our lives. And especially if you're a conscious woman on your path, and you are evolving and changing, and you're committed to, you know, clearing karma in this lifetime, or having a process of evolution in this timeline, you most likely will experience toxic relationships.

1:52But when we think about a toxic bond or a toxic relationship, it's really a relationship or an attachment where the connection repeatedly costs you your peace, self-trust, boundaries, or your sense of self. So Najwa's book is about why we remain emotionally bonded to people who hurt us and why healing can't depend on getting closure, accountability, or love from them. And I was watching an interview with Dr. Tara Swart, who's been on the podcast many times, and she's a friend as well. She was saying that, so we meet people at the same psychological wounding that we are. So if you are in a situation of a certain level of psychological wounding, of self-abandonment, of self-erasure, you will meet someone at that same level.

2:28You are meeting people and you are matching your wounds. That is why it's so important to do the work on yourself, especially when you're outside of relationship, to learn your patterns so that you can come into relationship as a whole more being. So in this conversation, I think what was so beautiful is exploring friendship, toxic dynamics, what it looks like to have a toxic friend, especially as women, like we can really have toxic friends in our lives, and how jealousy, competition, gossip can be incredibly toxic to dynamics. and then also what it looks like to be in a toxic relationship. How for a lot of us, we are trying to get closure from people that we will never get closure with and we will try and get peace from people that have never given us peace in the first place.

3:11And it's exciting because I feel like the conversation around toxic relationships and dynamics happens so much online, but there's not a lot of action or permission for us to really look at it. So I'm excited for you guys to dig into that and I'm excited for you to get to know Najwa if you don't already. She's an amazing, loving human with a pure, pure heart, and I'm grateful for her in my life. So the book is called The One Who Broke You Can't Heal You, and it is about letting go of toxic bonds and building healthy ones. And it is now available for you to purchase and order, and you guys can use this as like your healing moment for yourself.

3:45Najwa has been on the podcast once before, so if you spell her name, N-A-J-W-A, almost 30, you will find the other episode we did with her on her book, Constant, The Only Change. Thank you so much for tuning into Almost 30. I really appreciate you. I'm grateful for you. I'm sending you a lot of love and peace if you're in a toxic situation and dynamic right now. My hope is that you can use this to heal and really see your own worth and your own power because you deserve to feel peace in your life and you deserve to feel at home and not dysregulated all the time. So I've been there. I get it. And I love you.

4:21almost30podcast.com or almost30.com almost30podcast on YouTube. Thanks for subscribing. I'd love to see you guys on YouTube. Almost 30 podcast on Spotify and Apple. Morning Microdose is our clip show, five to eight minutes of the podcast. And then I'm It's Krista. So It's Krista on Instagram, K-R-I-S-T-A. It's Krista.com for coaching, for retreats, for transformative programs that will help your life. All right. I appreciate you. Bye. Well, welcome to Almost 30. welcome again my darling i'm so happy to have you um i'm so excited to talk about your book because this conversation on toxic relationships ships toxic dynamics toxic friendships i feel like it's talked about a lot in culture and talked about a lot in the zeitgeist but i don't know if it's understood and then there's also the truth that i think almost everyone has been in that dynamic you know of a toxic relationship or friendship and what i found so fascinating for myself is like I don't know if you feel this is true but what I've noticed about any toxic relationship that I've been in sometimes I feel like out of that relationship they're not toxic and I'm not it's almost like we had this magical karmic thing that happened where we co-created this very toxic dynamic and relationship do you feel like that's true or do you feel like someone is just toxic forever you know what I think I think relationships where you get close enough to someone bring out the toxicity in you but a good relationship for you creates a safe space for that toxicity to come out and you kind of hold up a mirror to the person and say hey look this is what's coming out of you and they hold up a mirror for you that says hey look this is what's coming out of you and there's a safe space for you to actually work through it and grow from it but the dynamic remains toxic when they bring out that toxicity from you but there is no safe space to hold it there's no here's the way that we can work on this together or you know here is what i'm noticing like this this side of you comes out when you're feeling insecure or when you hear somebody talk about their success or when you hear me talk about my success i feel like that toxic side of you comes out and then you kind of see if they're willing to work on it or if they're even aware that it's a problem right i genuinely believe that intimate relationships of any sort friendship family even even in work and romantic relationships they bring out the best in you and the worst in you.

7:01And it's just about what you do with that moving forward. There is no relationship that will only extract the best out of you because we live in, it's the balance of the good and the bad, right? And you and I talked about this in the last episode where we said part of why a person can't really open up to somebody else is they really want to be seen, but they're afraid that when they show you all the amazing things, all the ugly things are going to come to the surface too. Like I want you to see all of me, but I only want you to see the good parts and it doesn't work that way. Because if I give you access to be my source of joy, then I'm also giving you access to be my source of pain.

7:51That's how vulnerability works. So I don't think there's a way for you to be in a relationship with someone where all the insecurities and triggers just magically go away. What do you think of that? I know I completely agree. I think that's a really beautiful way to put it that it's like any truly intimate dynamic will have that element of that toxicity or that feeling and it's so funny because I was in my long-term relationship for 10 years and then was single and then was in relationship again and I just like it was so funny because when I'm single I'm like I'm like perfect I'm amazing I'm like the best and then I get back in relationship like what the fuck I'm still codependent I'm like still like adjusting what I want I'm still self-abandoning I'm still it was actually like gosh I just like deep sigh for myself because it was actually kind kind of heartbreaking to experience that and be like fuck like I still have this part of me I still have this side of me I really thought I had healed I thought I was done with this and I was seeing myself just slip into these same patterns that I had been in and I think you get closer and closer in your life you feel better and better but um I really do think that relationships bring out this side of you and I know that for myself being in mostly relationships in my life I've been in you know relationships pretty much the full time since I was like 14 I have seen so much darkness in myself and so much like of my of the parts of me that need healing because of that and I think without of that I wouldn't have the opportunities to look at myself and then the opportunity to hold compassion for other people's darkness like it really takes a lot for me to be in judgment or be in judgment of someone else's issue or problem.

9:44But when we hear the word toxic, do we need to define that? How do you see the word toxic? If we were to think about what that word actually means. I think toxic is very context specific because there could be a great trait in you like maybe you're such an authentic person that when you're around somebody else and they're they witness that authenticity it makes them so uncomfortable that your authenticity could be toxic to them because they can't sit with it because it reminds them so much of how inauthentic they are or how afraid they are to express themselves freely so what i say you are toxic to somebody because you're authentic no it's the dynamic that's toxic there's just an incompatibility there and then what ends up happening is you feel like your authenticity is too much and that's what pushes you to feel like maybe maybe i'm too too needy because this i'm trying really hard to explain to this person why my authenticity is just so beautiful i'm trying to get their buy-in on me being the person that I am and so with trying harder you end up feeling like maybe you're the toxic one right when you were talking about feeling in relationship after feeling like you're perfect on your own in relationship you're like I still have this codependency and I still have this and that that doesn't mean that you're not healed yeah because Because you're healing and you're coming to terms with these parts of you that need tending to.

11:33Yeah. There is a level of codependency in every relationship. It's not wrong. Yeah. I actually talked about this in The One Who Broke You Can't Heal You, where we have this idea that to be the healthiest person in relationship, you have to be detached. Yes. Like you're your own person and I'm my own person. And, you know, we just we come together when we come together. There's no expectation of me to be a certain way or you to be a certain way. And I disagree with that. I think attachment is one of our basic human needs as children and as adults. You and I both love Dr. Gabor Mate's work. And he talks about four adult needs in relationship.

12:20and one of them is attachment. You need to feel to a certain level that this person is my safe base that I come home to at the end of the day where I can be my authentic self and express myself and express my needs and my grievances and bring up certain issues without feeling like I'm the issue for bringing them up. And so when you are with someone who either doesn't have the capacity for that or isn't willing to even tend to themselves, let alone tend to somebody else, or if they've been raised in an environment where needs make them feel so much pressure that they just shut down because it automatically makes them feel like they're not good enough, you're going to end up feeling like something's wrong with you.

13:12Like, I'm perfect on my own, but when I'm in a relationship, I have all these things but it's like those are basic human needs that you're with someone who's not able or willing to meet them and that's why you end up feeling like oh that's too much so toxicity to me is very relative if a toxic person sits with another toxic person they can have a great relationship they can have a great friendship because they're at the same level of openness of maturity of seeing the world through a certain lens for a certain worldview i wouldn't say that's a healthy dynamic it would be toxic but they won't feel like they're toxic to each other they just feed off of each other right there's one thing i i wrote about in the one who broke you can't heal you that I think you'll relate to but I used to be in groups of people where I would think I'm not welcome as I am I have so many of my dear friends that are moving through pregnancy right now actually three of my closest people in my life that are moving through pregnancy and it's been so beautiful to see how intentional they become about their body and the way they're choosing to support themselves the way they're choosing to nourish themselves Lindsay, as an example, she truly is like doing like eating sardines, eating like liver.

14:42And so seeing her use Ritual and just like support her body in the best way she knows how, it has shown me how powerful and how great of a brand Ritual is because I trust her so much. She's reading every label all the time. So you can really fully trust Ritual for your brand to support you in your journey of pregnancy. So they have this really powerful essential prenatal, which is clinically backed with prenatal vitamins with traceable ingredients like choline, folate, and omega-3. It's also non-GMO. It's vegan. It's gluten-free, and it's major allergen-free. And it's made without synthetic colorant.

15:17I also love that Ritual uses bioavailable nutrients designed for optimal absorption and designed for the capsule to be gentle on the stomach and easy to take, making it easier for people to stay consistent. Don't settle for less than evidence-based support. Save 25 % off your first month at ritual.com slash almost 30. That's ritual.com slash almost 30 for 25 % off your first month. So living in Los Angeles, I have so much access to supplements, to all the things. But I remember over a year ago, finding the absorption co and using their little packets. I use restore energy, calm, and sleep all the time.

15:50And I remember really thinking about the brand and being like, this is a genius idea because no one really asks about absorption of a supplement before buying something. So for a supplement to actually work for you, your body needs to actually absorb it. And that's completely, for me, changed the way I think about my routine. The Absorption Co. is so great because they're focused on solving the biggest problem in supplements, which is low absorption. Most supplements absorb at less than 16%. So much of what we're actually taking never gets used by our body. One of the things that I use and really feel a difference in is their magnesium.

16:27It is my number one stunner of all supplements. And I've also added their berberine into my routine. This is for metabolism, blood sugar, and craving support. Most berberine actually doesn't absorb. It's like 1%. So I love that they're really focused on making significantly more bioavailable berberine. So start taking supplements your body can actually absorb. Go to absorbmore.com and enter code ALMOST30 at checkout for 35 % off your first order. That's absorbmore.com, enter code ALMOST30 and check out for 35 % off your first order. I would walk in to sit with these people, friends, and I would feel like my best shot at being welcomed here is to just be quiet.

17:09If they said something negative about another person, if they were gossiping, if they were, you know, raining on someone's parade, I just had to not say anything. I had to not stand up for that other person who's not in the room. And if they said something I disagreed with that had to do with human rights or politics or whatever, I also my best bet was to stay quiet. So I always felt like no matter what I did or said, I wasn't good enough for them. Like they were up here and I was trying to get to them and I couldn't. And then with time I realized, this blew my mind when I realized, it's not that I was trying to rise up to their level.

17:54I was trying to fall down and crush myself to be at theirs. And they were pulling down at me, wanting me to. That's what, when people break you down and criticize you and make you feel like your outlook on life is wrong, like there's something wrong with the way you see things, their goal is to break your image of who you are. Because if they can do that, then they're more comfortable not looking up at you and how great of a person you are. They want you down here. So I realized it's not that I was working hard to be better. I was working to dismantle everything that made me this someone who's fiercely authentic and fiercely, you know, an advocate for people, even if I don't know them, even if they're not in the room, someone who has empathy.

18:54And so a lot of the times when people are in a toxic relationship, friendship, work environment, family relationships, they think I'm trying so hard and it's not working. Why isn't it working? It's because you're trying really hard to make this glorious big person that you are fit into a small box and you're crushing yourself. That's the pain. When what you really need to do is say, that's not my place and I need to stop working hard to fit in because fitting in is not belonging. Right? Well, it's funny that even the word and phrase fitting in is almost like to your example of like someone who's really big who's just trying to fit in.

19:41um why do people choose toxic dynamics like if you know what is the reason why someone does i mean i'm taking it one-on-one a little bit right i just want to i want to bring us all along just in case i don't think we consciously say i want to be in a toxic relationship i think we go for toxic relationships because we're familiar with them we know how to survive them better the devil you know and i talked about this and the one who broke you can't kill you why not change the narrative of better the devil you know that you know how to survive to better the peace you don't know yet better the amazing love you don't know yet better the unfamiliar that yes is scary but is so good and healthy for you when you know how to walk through thorns and and shattered glass and you know that you can get to the other side and you've survived it, to you it's not going to be anything that's new.

20:40You're like, I've done this before. And it takes a while to heal, but I end up healing. But then you walk, you're standing in front of this beautiful garden that looks like it has these beautiful flowers. And you're like, I've never walked through this before. I don't know how it's going to feel. What's on the other side? and that's why if you leave a toxic relationship you become cynical for a while yeah if somebody's nice to you you think hmm i wonder what your intention is i want i wonder what's gonna fuck away from you you're like don't don't come near me with a 10-foot pole you know talk to me yeah because what happens when uh in the aftermath of a really toxic relationship it's kind of like your whole being has somehow been bombed and now it's just it's rubble because you don't know who you are anymore you question whether you ever knew um ever knew yourself like why did I not trust my gut?

21:52How did I not see this coming? Where did I miss the red flags and the yellow flags? And so you're starting from ground zero. And somebody walks in and you're thinking to yourself, I never want this to happen again. I'm rebuilding and I don't want somebody to shatter that again. And so you're trying to protect yourself. The part of you that says, never again will I ever let myself go through that isn't trying to make you cynical it's trying to protect you and when people ask me well then how do I allow people in after I've been so heartbroken and damaged I say you have to have a really sorry you have to have a conversation with the part of you that's really scared to let someone in and tell that part you can trust me because if somebody ever tries to do that to us again i'm a new person and i'm able to say no this won't happen so trust me i know you're afraid to let somebody in but we really deeply want to be loved and seen and that's the risk we have to take so that conversation you have with yourself is you're healing your inner child and the other inner child and the other inner child and adult you that went through a really bad friendship or a really bad relationship and you say I got me I think too for me the parts when there is like a break of trust within myself because I've betrayed myself or you know something like that I have to also show myself it's like I can say and be there for that part but it also for me takes like proof in action of like okay in small moments here's a chance are you going to do that again with this person or this friend or whatever like how can i also create and establish trust like i would in a relationship like if i broke trust in a relationship i would have to show an action and in words and so i think taking small actions where i can kind of like re-pattern like and i had that opportunity recently where um i have this pattern of allowing someone else to pick the pace of our relationship whether that's a friendship or romantic and kind of would be like going along with the pace and in this chance it was like okay i'm not gonna i'm gonna dictate the pace like i'm not gonna allow someone to dictate the pace and had to like continue to like speak into like the boundary that i have or the pace that i want when in the past i wouldn't have done that for myself i would have been like okay like whatever like they want to hang out all the time that you know just kind of been like loose about it yeah so showing ourselves I think is a really important thing too um to go all the way back like what was your inspiration for writing this book I mean you could write about so many things but why did you want to write about toxic relationships so about 10 years ago I which is around the time I started writing all together I was sitting in a park making a video answering questions and someone had asked me how do I move on from this person who hurt me who's not apologizing who is not admitting what they did and these words just came to me the one who broke you can't heal you is it beautiful to get an apology from someone who hurt you absolutely I was thinking back to all the people in my life who hurt me ever since I I was a child you know family members who I've told you this story before like with my aunt and uncle and how that really shaped a belief for me that said that I don't deserve that which is what I witnessed which was the love the consideration somebody going out of their way to think of a special gift for me and in thinking of for example, a story like that, and thinking of friends in university who just completely ghosted me out of the blue and never really explained to me why, or people that I worked with looking at all the great work I was doing and bashing me behind my back saying that I was just a you know a suck up and I will just do whatever I need to do to get higher positions and looking at all those stories and how I never really got to sit with any of those people and hear them say that was a terrible thing I did to you and I'm really sorry and I clung on to that Like I was a walking around shell of a person leaving parts of me with every person who hurt me in some way and waiting for them to see the light one day and come to me and say that they messed up.

26:44Even with men that I got to know on a romantic level, I always felt like, for example, there was this one guy that I dated for maybe six weeks. and you know he came on too strong like I you know I really admire you and your work ethic and everything you've done for yourself you're a beautiful person you're this you're that and uh and then out of the blue and I this is the worst feeling in the world I have so many of my dear friends that are moving through pregnancy right now I actually have three of my closest people in my life that are moving through pregnancy and it's been so beautiful to see how intentional they've become about their body and the way they're choosing to support themselves the way they're choosing to nourish themselves lindsay as an example she truly is like doing like eating sardines eating like liver and so seeing her use ritual and just like support her body in the best way she knows how it has shown me how powerful and how great of a brand ritual is because i trust her so much she's reading every label all the time so you can really fully trust ritual for your brand to support you in your journey of pregnancy.

27:54So they have this really powerful essential prenatal, which is clinically backed with prenatal vitamins with traceable ingredients like choline, folate, and omega-3. It's also non-GMO. It's vegan, it's gluten-free, and it's major allergen-free. And it's made without synthetic colorant. I also love that ritual uses bioavailable nutrients designed for optimal absorption and designed for the capsule to be gentle on the stomach and easy to take, making it easier for people to stay consistent. don't settle for less than evidence-based support. Save 25 % off your first month at ritual.com slash almost 30.

28:25That's ritual.com slash almost 30 for 25 % off your first month. So living in Los Angeles, I have so much access to supplements, to all the things. But I remember over a year ago, finding the absorption co and using their little packets. I use restore energy, calm and sleep all the time. And I remember really thinking about the brand and being like, this is a genius idea because no one really asks about absorption of a supplement before buying something so for a supplement to actually work for you your body needs to actually absorb it and that's completely for me changed the way i think about my routine the absorption co is so great because they're focused on solving the biggest problem in supplements which is low absorption most supplements absorb at less than 16 percent so much of what we're actually taking never gets used by our body.

29:15One of the things that I use and really feel a difference in is their magnesium. It is my number one stunner of all supplements. And I've also added their berberine into my routine. This is for metabolism, blood sugar, and craving support. Most berberine actually doesn't absorb. It's like 1%. So I love that they're really focused on making significantly more bioavailable berberine. So start taking supplements your body can actually absorb. go to absorbmore.com and enter code ALMOST30 at checkout for 35 % off your first order. That's absorbmore.com, enter code ALMOST30 and checkout for 35 % off your first order.

29:50The moment you sense, like it's a split second, you sense that this person has changed. They don't feel the same level of I want you in my life and they're not trying as hard. you feel it but there is no word to describe it like discard yes and you you you talk to them about it which is what i did at the time i said i feel like you're pulling away a little bit and i got all these excuses and then he was going away on a trip and um and i was i was feeling down a little bit i was i was in my 20s at the time i was feeling really down about that because i was really excited about this person and um he messaged me when he got back and said I took some time to think and I just don't think I'm at a point in my life where I can actually be the man that could be with you because you're such a great person and whatever and I looked at that and I was like of course you're gonna say that you know totally right and why didn't you think of that at the start because you knew how how great i was at the start because this was someone that knew me for a while before he asked me out on a date and so i'm like you knew me right so with something like that for example i held on to that for a little bit and then i let it go because i was in a space where since i said these words the one who broke you can't heal you where I was like, okay, I don't need him to say out loud, you know what, I was a jerk.

31:31I shouldn't have even asked you out on a date when I knew that I wasn't ready. Or, or maybe jerk isn't the right word. But you know what I mean? I stopped waiting for any kind of conversation or validation at all. And out of the blue, I think I had shared a story on Instagram that said, what's your biggest regret in life? And this was like six or seven months later. And he responded to it. And he said, my biggest regret is letting you go. And I was like. Classic. Classic, like the tiniest effort ever. So the moral of the story is some people wait for that for a long time. I wasn't waiting for it because I made the decision to give myself the closure that I needed, which was, you know what?

32:26Thank you for your honesty, even though it came a little bit later than it should have come. But thank you for at least telling me, I don't think I can be the person that you require. And I just let that go. Like that must not be my person. And another story is with a friend who really deeply hurt me, like in ways that, you know, the betrayal of friends, like you've known someone for so long. They know all your secrets. They know everything about you. And then one day I discovered that she had been gossiping about me, saying all these terrible things about me that could really hurt my reputation.

33:10Yeah. And I remember not even confronting her about that because I was that hurt. There was the cry I cried when I found out all the things she was saying about me. I was like, there was something inside of me that said, if you go to this person who you thought would never talk about you like this, would never backstab you like this, what are you doing? It's like you have somebody standing behind your back, obviously, because you trust them. You don't just allow anybody behind you without looking back to what they're doing unless you trust them. So you had this person behind you. And instead of them embracing you and continuing this journey on with both of your lives with you as a friend, they held a knife and, you know, figuratively stabbed you.

34:08and what I would be doing if I turned around to confront her is I'm saying why would you put a knife in my back like what I need to be doing is getting myself the help I need and saying wow you did that I trusted you and you did that and so that's what I did but I didn't say it out loud. I just decided I'm never speaking to you again. And I held on to that for about a year. And out of the blue, I got a call from her. Actually, I held on to it to the story for about a year and then I let it go. And then years later, I got a call from her saying, I'm really sorry for what I did. I knew that when I said the things I said, I was lying.

34:58And I knew that it was like, It came out of jealousy. It came out of me not being able to handle who you were as a person and how great you were, and I did that. I'm really sorry, and I'm hoping we could be friends again and all that. And Krista, I felt nothing. The first words that came to me in my mind, and I didn't say them out loud, were, I already forgave you, not for you, for me. There was no way for me to move forward with my life without making the decision that I'm not going to hold on to the identity of someone who was so wronged by someone who I thought was a great friend of mine. I choose to let you go.

35:45And I actually didn't accept the offer to be friends again. And I felt like that was my way of saying this is how I protect my peace with you in particular so when you ask me where this where did this book come from it came from all of these experiences where the apology that I thought was going to heal me did nothing for me it was the work I did to say I'm never gonna give the person who hurt me who broke me the the thread that's gonna stitch me back up you can't be my healer if you were the one who gave me something to heal from in the first place and all the stories that people sent me from all over the world of these deep pains they went through and you know i was in a relationship with someone for 20 years and we had three kids together and and they left me and two months later there was somebody else and they got married to somebody else right away and started a new life and how do i where do i go with all my pain and i need to see them suffer like i get this a lot how where do they get their karma and i say you don't need to see them suffer the way they made you suffer their biggest punishment is that they are who they are their karma isn't something that's coming for them their karma is who they are and another thing i always say is don't give them a taste of their own medicine they already know what it tastes like somebody who's willing to hurt you that way there's something deeply wounded inside of them and part of saying the one who broke you can't heal you is also saying watching the one who broke you suffer isn't going to heal you nothing about them and what they do with their life and where they go with their life is ever going to heal you it's what you do with your life that's going to heal you that's where that came from so good with I think there's I'm curious what your thoughts are on this because I think that I 100 % agree with you in the truth of like we are the ones that have to heal and release and I think that work is done on our own I always get curious about this for myself because in my life there's been such an invitation for greater expression and using of my voice and I feel like I've kind of bypassed that in the past and I think there's a healing aspect for ourselves of speaking things.

38:28Where do you feel like that's appropriate for people? Like how do we know we're using our voice to express for our own truth versus like what we're requesting something from them? I am a big advocate that you should express yourself the way that you feel is best. So if you feel like you really want to tell somebody, hey, you did this thing and it really hurt me and I don't even know how you could do that. I think it's brave to do that if you feel like that's your way of releasing some of that pain so that you don't ever look back and say, I wish I said it. But don't say it with the expectation that that's going to make them realize the bad thing that they did.

39:14So remember, somebody who chose to hurt you in some way, there's two options. They either knew what they were doing or they were so inconsiderate of how their actions would affect you that your pain was just a byproduct of their inconsideration of you. Both are bad. Whether you intended to hurt me, like if you and I were walking down the street and I accidentally tripped and bumped into you and you fell on the street, that wasn't intentional, right? or I pushed you and you fell on the street that was intentional both ended up with you being on the street and hurt in some way and maybe you broke your arm so my intention versus how what I did impacted you is no different when it comes to how you were hurt right so if I'm coming to the person who hurt me and I'm saying this thing you said this thing you did affected me this way if they intended it they don't need you to tell them that because they know what they were doing and if they didn't intend it they're gonna say to you I'm really sorry I really didn't mean that and I apologize that I did that or they're gonna say you know I didn't mean that how could you even bring that up to me but either way your expression will show you where you stand so if you choose that I say do it but if you also choose silence like I did when that friend hurt me I also think honor that decision of yours but whatever decision you make let it be one that you can live with moving forward and when you think back you don't say I wish I said something but I feel like many people don't express themselves because they don't want to be perceived as oh I'm too emotional and I'm you know I should have I should have known not to express myself I want to act like I'm nonchalant yeah right yeah let your intention of speaking up be to honor your authenticity yeah not to get to be perceived a certain way if they're going to perceive you as somebody who's needy or insecure for expressing a very valid need or a very valid pain of yours, then that tells you something about where you stand in their life.

41:51You know, maybe you thought you stood in the same home you built together, but really, you stand outside on the street, or you stand at the front door knocking, begging for them to, to let you into their life right if you're in a relationship with an avoidant for example that's how you feel you feel like you're always meant to be outside but but you share something together but you're not allowed in it until you're told okay now you can come in yeah where do you think so maybe i'm delusional but like i always think about this like i i think it's my delusion but i'm like how many people besides psychopaths are genuinely trying to hurt someone am i insane that i don't think like anyone's genuinely trying to hurt other people i don't think you're insane to think that i think that shows a beautiful part of you that says i don't think people intend to hurt others yeah i don't think you're insane but i think in your experience you found that to be true i think for the most part because i don't like making generalizations for the most part I think people know what they're doing wow okay and I think if they do they hurt you one time then maybe you can say maybe they didn't intend it but if you brought up how that made you feel and they did it again then they're telling you one of two things either I don't care how my actions make you feel or I know this thing hurts you and I want to see you hurt so i'm gonna do it again i have so many of my dear friends that are moving through pregnancy right now actually three of my closest people in my life that are moving through pregnancy and it's been so beautiful to see how intentional they become about their body and the way they're choosing to support themselves the way they're choosing to nourish themselves lindsey as an example she truly is like doing like eating sardines eating like liver and so seeing her use ritual and just like support her body in the best way she knows how it has shown me how powerful and how great of a brand ritual is because I trust her so much.

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