It’s My Birthday. Here’s Everything I Know to Be True at 44

0:09Okay, so I did this for you, but I also did it for myself. I turn 44 tomorrow. And so I wanted to pull together 44 truths, learnings, beliefs, pieces of advice, the things that I have learned to trust and just the stuff I know to be true from all of my life's experiences. It's actually started off as a little journal challenge to myself. And I asked myself, like, what have I learned over the years? And in that very Oprah way, what do I know to be true at 44? Once I started writing, I basically just thought, I really need to share this because that is what life is all about. And honestly, the more I learn about this community, the more I understand exactly what you want.

0:50You want to know what I've actually learned and how I learned it. And you want to know how I apply it to my life. And so hopefully I can take some of this 44 years of decision makings, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and you will be able to apply some of the learnings to your life.

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2:23Here is something that I know for sure. Advice only changes your life when it changes your behavior. Now we're going to move through this chapter by chapter. And by the end, you're going to have my personal operating system for basically everything in life, because I'm going to talk to you about it all. I decided that we would talk about mindset and relationships, about meaning and time. As I was writing this list, it became about relationships and motherhood and action and ambition. And honestly, how I think about failure and work and money, because come on now, you know, I'm going to talk about money.

2:57So number one, we're going to start at the start, which means you guessed it. You have to start with yourself. So this has to be the first thing. Taking responsibility for your life and everything in it really is the single biggest power move that you'll ever make because no one is going to come and organize your life for you. Now, I've heard what a lot of people have to say in response to this. Help matters, privilege matters, structural barriers are real, but your next move still belongs to you. And I think as someone who grew up with very little, what I've been able to do is turn what I did have into everything that I would ever need.

3:37I had me and I knew from an early age that no one was ever going to come to help me. So I decided that what I want is so important and I work tirelessly and consistently every day for years and years. But what I want to let you know is that once you've made that decision, it's so important. Starting with yourself is the number one thing that you can do. And once you make that decision, the next step is my number two rule. You have to have a vision for your life. Now, that's why I've got the book here too. The first chapter in this book is where I take you through the questions. And I did a whole episode about this on the pod last year, so you can go back and have a look at my birthday episode.

4:19But I think that having a vision for yourself is one of the most important things you could do. I wrote an entire episode. I did an entire chapter on the book for it. And if you want, you can go through the whole thing. So I'm not going to redo that here, but here's a little short version. Grab a piece of paper, write down what you want your life to look like in 10 years. Where do you live? Who's around you? What does a regular Tuesday look like? And then what you need to do is look at what you did this week and ask if any of it is pointed towards that. Now, if you want to do the full exercise, all the questions are in Start With Yourself.

4:56The episode is in the feed. You can go and do it totally properly, but I promise you, if you do this, it will be the single best use of your time this week and I don't need to say anymore. Okay, we're going to move on. Number three. The third thing that I wanted to share with everybody is that finding something that is just for you is really, really critical. Now I did the Hoffman process and I came out of it with so much. And the one thing that stuck was this. You need a moment, ideally every single day where you actually honor yourself. Now, mine is having a little hot drink in the morning. I have a reading ritual.

5:36And in the rush of everyday life, it's that moment that I carved out that has that little ritual attached that becomes the moment that you think of yourself. And when you do that routinely, you build a habit of speaking to yourself very, very well and really magical things start to happen. So I want to challenge you today to actually try it for yourself. And obviously, you have to let me know what happens. Okay. This next one is literally the single best advice that I ever got. Number four, you have to control the controllables. Now, as women, we are so often told control our emotions, honor every single feeling as a truth.

6:17And I think both of these ideas are actually incomplete. I like to feel everything, but I don't let every feeling make my decisions for me. We've really got to learn the difference between what's happened and the story that we're telling ourselves about what happened. And that means asking, what is within my control now? What's the most useful response? Who do I actually want to be in this moment? You can't control whether someone rejects you, if they underestimate you, if someone betrays you or criticizes you, or if they just like completely refuse to recognize your value. But you can control whether their behavior becomes the author of your next decision.

6:57When we have feelings, they all deserve to be heard, but they don't automatically deserve the final vote. Control the controller boss. Here's a good one that I love, a really lovely rule of my 44. Number five, please stop asking yourself whether you're ready. Ask whether you're willing. Readiness is usually just a feeling and that arrives after you've begun. So, and I've said this so many times, you have to start and you have to try things. If I'm really honest, I've never felt qualified or ready or fully in control or like anything was a sure bet for me. But I did it anyway because readiness is not a feeling, it's just a decision.

7:37So if you have an idea that's brewing, try it. Don't wait. Don't try to perfect it. Just try it. One of my favorite quotes is that you should never sleep on an idea that visits you daily. So just don't. Number six, you don't find yourself, you build yourself through the choices you make. Now, I love a self-help book as much as the next person. I've read them all. There are just so many of them for a good reason. But the clue here is in the name, self-help. Your identity is created through repeated decisions, what you decide to do and how you decide to live day by day. It's not discovered through endless introspection.

8:16And I've learned to build myself through deciding actually more about what I didn't want in my life. And I actually decide and actively decide to stop those behaviors. Number seven, your life changes when your standards become stronger than your moods. I really just want you to take that in for a minute, like take it in. Now, my whole family and all my friends and anybody that works with me, in fact, will tell you that I'm a bit of a moody bitch, but I have learned to control what I put out because it's directly linked to what you'll get back from the world. Motivation is really unreliable. Your standards decide what happens on an ordinary day and your whole life, especially your work life, will work out better if you create impeccable habits.

9:00Number eight, it has been so important to me to learn to take responsibility without taking all the blame and to apologize when you're wrong. Now blame asked who caused the problem? Responsibility asked who can change what happens next? Be the person who takes responsibility when you fuck up in life. You've got to own it, make good, say sorry, and just move on. And if you don't have a pen and paper yet, let me just tell you, because I love to write everything down. I really suggest that you just pause this video and go and grab one right now because this next one is crucial and we're not even at 10 yet.

9:37Okay. The next one is this. Number nine, learn about yourself and who you actually are. What do I even mean by that? I mean, go to therapy, figure out who the fuck you are. I started anger management when I was about 19 and I went for three years or thereabouts, but thank God that I did that because I had things I needed to learn about myself that were not particularly flattering. And we've all been there when like an ex or a family member or a friend, you get into a fight and they say something so cutting that it hurts because you know it's true and you just didn't know it. So what I want to say to you is find that shit out for yourself.

10:18Know and want to learn about yourself. That my loves is the entire job of your life. So let's talk about action and ambition, shall we? because you cannot have one without the other. Number 10, never ever confuse motion with progress. Listen to all of my fabulously busy women out there, a full diary can be one of the most sophisticated forms of avoidance. And we women, we are so good at filling a schedule, but it's really important to ask yourself, is this actually creating forward momentum or am I just filling time. When you have a plan for yourself in your life, you get really good at spotting being busy for busy sakes.

11:01And the reason that you're filling the schedule is usually this next one. Number 11, if everything feels important, you haven't made a decision. So prioritization means allowing something worthy to remain undone. Yes, just not doing some things, which is a nightmare for all the perfectionists out there. But if I had to summarize the biggest thing that I think holds women back, it would be this belief that everything needs to be perfect. You cannot have a perfect relationship, perfect job, perfect face, a perfect home, and still be striving towards anything that matters. You just won't get there.

11:39So do the hard work of actually sitting down and figuring out what is important to you the most and just focus on that. If I think about all of my success and all of the things I've done in my life, it is because I've decided what not to do. And more importantly, you have to deprioritize the stuff that is just sucking your energy. But, and here's my next one, and this is so key, which is why it's on the list. Number 12, the work you avoid is often the work that would really change your life. The difficult conversation, the uncomfortable ask or the unfinished proposal, that usually contains all the leverage.

12:18Can you just stop for one moment and be super honest? Like if you just take a pause right now and be really honest with yourself about what you're putting off. Is asking for more from someone something you should do? Looking at your bank account, leaving something that you know you've outgrown. Whatever came into your mind in that moment while I was saying that, that is probably the thing and whatever it is, I want you to face it today. Don't put it off. Don't say I'll get to it next week. Don't say I need to think about it. Just do it today because procrastination hurts you more than you could ever understand.

12:53And you know the quote, it says, do the hard thing first. The water doesn't get warmer because you jump in late. Number 13, always make the decision that creates more options. As I was writing this list, I thought about this so much in my life because all of my days are full of me having to make decisions. And the truth is, when I think about what decisions should I make and where should I go, I'm always thinking about the ones that create more options. So when the future's unclear, like right now for so many of us, choose the move that builds something that you get to keep, like a skill or a relationship or ownership or information.

13:31This is how I thought about almost every job I've ever taken. Not, what does this get me right now, but what does it let me do next? Number 14, don't wait for confidence. You have to make it. It is the question that I am asked all the time. Emma, how did you get so confident? And this is the truth. It's so simple. It was never a given for me. I think that I became confident for doing and trying and failing with some things working out and then understanding what was actually possible to replicate. Because here's the thing, you actually can't think your way into self-belief. You have to behave your way into it.

14:09You cannot sit at home thinking and thinking and thinking until one morning you just kind of wake up and suddenly you believe in yourself. You have to give yourself a reason to believe. Confidence is going to come through action, through you making moves and through you taking chances. So if you're really seeking and you actually think to yourself, you know what, I really want to become more confident. Try taking one action and doing one small thing in the direction of the person that you want to become. And then you do another one. And there's a trick to this because you keep going and going.

14:39Okay. On to the next one. Number 15, a dream without a calendar really is just a preference. Now, if you say something matters, it needs protected time, not just good intentions, not just you saying, it needs you to safeguard the intention. This one really took me a lot of time. But if you start to do this, if you start to put the things that you want most in your life out there and you say, this is so important that I'm going to safeguard it, everything begins to change. So here we go. Number 16, don't make permanent decisions in temporary emotional states. This one took me the longest to learn.

15:18Exhaustion and anger and fear and guilt. These are all terrible strategic advisors. When you have a big decision to make, You have to do it on your own timing and never, ever let anyone else impose their deadlines on you.

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18:12Okay. So now I want to move into work and leadership and power. This is the section where I get the most questions. And honestly, I think it's because people are looking for some kind of trick, but I'm really so sorry, my darlings. There just isn't one. There's only a way of behaving that compounds and that's it. So number 17, you have to be useful before you try to be impressive. The fastest way to become valuable is to solve problems that other people are avoiding. I have spoken so much about spending the early part of my career with my hand in the air, just saying, I'll do it, putting myself forward for whatever it is that I could get my hands on.

18:54And it worked for me because the premise was simple. I figured out that I would need to be useful to someone before I could be impressive to anyone. Number 18, your reputation is built in the moments when there is no immediate reward. I've said a million times, even when you don't have much, you have your reputation. And I think about reputation like this. Your reputation isn't the image that you project. It's the pattern that other people experience when they experience you. And it's entirely built between what you say you value and what you do repeatedly over time. It can work for you and against you.

19:34And actually, if you make it work for you, it will be one of your most valuable assets. Reputation is actually how you behave when no one is watching. I'm going to say that one again. Reputation is how you behave when no one is watching. When the opportunity disappears, that tells people exactly who you are. Number 19, ask for what you want. Nobody lives inside your mind. Your boss does not know that you want a promotion. Your partner doesn't know that you're waiting for them to notice something. the person you admire doesn't know that you'd love 10 minutes of their time. People are busy and they tend to only think about themselves.

20:13We know this to be true because most of us spend so much time in our own head thinking about ourselves. Everything good in my career started with me having audacity. And the worst answer you'll get is just no. And no is information, which brings me to the next one. Please, please. Number 20, think about feedback as information, not a reason for a breakdown. You can examine a criticism without turning it into a verdict on your worth. The best moments of forward motion in my life have actually happened when I've taken harsh feedback really seriously. If it hurts you, then you should take the pain, but figure out why it hits so deep.

20:52And then you use that energy that you feel to do something about it, but never let it destroy you. Never let it consume you. It's just feedback and it's always useful. Number 21, your job is not to be liked by everyone. Your job is to be clear and fair. You guys have heard me say this, but you can't be a people pleaser and a leader. And I will keep saying that because I think it's such a hard one for us to get our head around. If you still find this a really difficult thing to swallow, then think about it this way. Kindness without truth eventually just becomes cruelty and nobody needs or deserves that.

21:26So lead with the truth. Honesty actually never needs to be brutal, but if your focus in life is to be liked, you're not built to lead. Number 22, never stay in a place where you are not moving or learning. Let me tell you ladies, comfort is so dangerous. It doesn't feel dangerous, which is exactly the point, but you will look up and it's been three years and you can't name one thing that you can do now that you couldn't do then. And that is not loyalty. That is just a slow leak. So I want you to ask yourself once a year, what did I actually learn here? What can I do now that I couldn't do 12 months ago?

22:01And if you can't answer, well, that's your answer. Number 23, the room will not always recognize your potential. So you have to learn to recognize it yourself. This is so hard for so many of us, but other people's inability to imagine you bigger is never evidence that you should remain small. Now, before we get into this next section, I want to do a quick little PSA. If you're listening to me regularly, you know by now that I want you to understand that money is a tool and it is necessary and you need to think about it and you need to learn about it. I've done a lot of episodes on money and I plan to do so many more, but if you don't know where to start or you've started and you're stuck and you know what I'm saying is right, that it's important, here are the biggest lessons that you need to know.

22:46Now, first things first, number 24, money is not the meaning of life. Of course not, but it changes the conditions under which you live it. Money creates safety and time. It gives you choice and leverage. And more than anything, it creates the ability to leave. And we all need that. Money changes how you stand in the room. And that for so many of us is incredibly important. Number 25, I need you to know your numbers, especially when you would rather not look. Avoiding financial reality actually never makes it kinder. The number in the account is the same whether you check it or not. The only thing that changes is how much time you have to do something about it.

23:27So please know your numbers. Number 26, never be embarrassed to ask how the money works. Confusion actually protects people who already understand the system. So you have to ask questions and there are no stupid ones. What does that mean? How does that get paid? What happens when I leave? Who gets what and when? Make plans, create budgets. Nobody who actually knows what they're doing, mine's being asked. Number 27, I want you to negotiate before resentment sets in. Always, always, always ask for more. Always. I can't say it enough times. People cannot respond to expectations that you haven't clearly expressed.

24:07If you don't want to negotiate from a bad place, a place of scarcity, ask early, ask clearly and ask with a number. Number 28, profit is just not a dirty word. A business that cannot support itself eventually loses the ability to support its mission. And purpose doesn't pay the team. Profit does. Wanting your business to make money is not a portrayal of why you started. It's how you just keep doing it. Now, number 29, do not build wealth merely to look wealthy. I'm not interested in wealth as performance. I'm interested in wealth as agency. You've heard about the emigre disease? Oh yeah, I know you have.

24:46Acting out on social media and skipping the hard work. Girls, don't you dare. I am so here for the show-offy part once you've earned it. But I need you to get the order of operations right. You have to actually do the work, create value. If the only thing your money can do is be seen, you don't have wealth. You have a costume. Okay. So I know I've spoken a lot about my lovely husband and my sisters and my friend, of which I have like very, very few friends, actually, very few close ones. But I've also left a lot of relationships behind. And the older I get, the more I think about who gets access to your life and how much that really matters.