S9, Ep6: Suzi Ruffell, comedian

0:00This is The Guardian.

0:07A quick warning, there is some strong language in this episode. I'm Grace Dent and this is Comfort Eating from The Guardian. A podcast where we pay homage to the lesser celebrated foods in life. Because even as a restaurant critic, I believe the food that matters most is often that snack you cobbled together when you curled upon the sofa. Each week I ask my guest to lift the lid on what comfort foods have seen them through their lives because you can tell a lot about a person from what they eat behind closed doors.

0:51Hello friends. Now you find me sitting on my stairs in the hall. Two stairs up since you ask. I'm doing something very revolutionary today. It's something quite radical. I don't know if you've ever tried it. I'm doing nothing. Waiting for my guest. It is the comedian, broadcaster and podcaster, Susie Ruffell. I never normally want to wait for any guest like this. I like to try and play it very cool. I pretend that they are just but a small bit part of my day rather than the main focus. I suppose it's a bit like delaying replying to a message from someone that you really fancy just for the sake of it.

1:37I am the queen of playing the battle of who cares less wins. There is actually something very wholesome and vulnerable to admitting, however, that Susie Ruffell and she alone is my sole focus of the day. Actually, it feels quite good to say that it is all about you today, Susie Ruffell. The Portsmouth-born comedian Susie Ruffell's comedy CV boasts an impressive live career. Five sellout runs at the Edinburgh Fringe and TV appearances live at the Apollo and Mock the Week. You can hear her nattering away on the airwaves of her Virgin Radio show or on one of her three deliciously funny podcasts. Susie's comedy is an honesty box full of confessionals, so much so that she's worked her way through a breakup on stage.

2:35She once said, talking about it every day, it hurt a little bit less. And by the time I was doing the show in Edinburgh, my heart was sort of mended. With her new memoir out, Am I Having Fun Now? it's a very important question she is touring her new show and continuing to make us all laugh with tales of our life sitting here doing nothing i'm asking myself am i having fun now the answer is yes turns out doing nothing is really quite lovely oh hang on here she is

3:22If you're a custodial supervisor at a local high school, you know that cleanliness is key and that the best place to get cleaning supplies is from Grainger. Grainger helps you stay fully stocked on the products you trust, from paper towels and disinfectants to floor scrubbers. Plus, you can rely on Grainger for easy reordering so you never run out of what you need. Call 1-800-GRAINGER, click grainger.com, or just stop by. Grainger, for the ones who get it done.

4:17orders with code APRON20. Terms and conditions apply. Visit blueapron.com slash terms for more.

4:25Susie Ruffell. Hello. Welcome to Comfort Eating. Hi Grace Dent, how are you? I'm very well. It's nice to be in your house. This is my, do you know something? This is as clean as it's ever looked because I spent yesterday on my hands and knees trying to get rid of cat hair off the floor, like hay bales of it. Yeah, you've got a lot of cats. Has somebody been talking? It was just a vibe as I came in. I thought cats live here. Susie Ruffell, we offered you a taxi to pick you up like the huge star you are. But you came on the tube. Yeah, of course. What do you have against cabby banter? Oh, I mean, so many things.

5:09I like trains and tubes. It's a bit of a novelty for me to go on the tube now because I live in Brighton these days. So, you know, I come up, I thought I'd get into Victoria, grab myself a quick coffee. You're that person that's had a child and now the child is left with your partner. Yeah. And you are up west, basically. You're up in the big smoke having a day out, aren't you? Yes, kind of. I mean, I'm... I see the shoulder pads. It's a shoulder padded cardigan. It's very chic. Oh, that was kind of you to say because I saw my mum last week. I'm doing a work in progress tour at the moment. There was one near my mum's house.

5:44So she came by. She walked into the dressing room and went, oh, don't you look tired? First thing she said. So today I've put on so much touchy clout. Cubby banter. Yeah. Do they ask you what you do? Yes. And I always lie. One of two things will happen. Either they'll say, here's a joke. And then they'll say, you can have that. And it'll be the kind of gag that might end my career. Or they'll slag off one of my very good friends. I'll tell you who I hate and you'll be like oh yeah I went to his wedding What's the best lie that you've told about what you do? I once told a taxi driver that I was the assistant stage manager at the Lion King and I didn't even know I had dreams of being the assistant stage manager at the Lion King I've seen the show twice it's a great show but I don't know why in that moment he said what do you do it was late at night he said have you just finished work I said yes I jumped in the cab he said what do you do I said I'm the assistant stage manager at the Lion King Then I had a 20 minute journey where I had to sort of riff on being the assistant stage manager at the Lion King.

6:45But there's such a lot going on here. Yeah. Yeah, always. You're not fantasizing that you're in the Lion King, like singing and dancing. No, I also don't believe that it's believable that I could be the stage manager. No. Like even in my fantasy, I'm like, well, we have to make it believable. She couldn't be the stage manager because, you know, she doesn't seem like she's got her shit together. You're the person that comes up and goes, everything's all right to go. And then you just leave again. Well, no, I go and the props are in place. And okay. Q smoke. Yeah. Q smoke. That'll be that. That'll be my sort of thing.

7:18LX4. I've heard people say things like that. Don't even really know what that means, but you know.

7:28I ask all of my celebrity guests to bring me their comfort food. Yes. Because I believe it is really how you get the measure of somebody. by what they shove into their gobs when no one's watching. Now, as you can see underneath our very pricey branded, our branded comfort eating tea towel, please reveal what is underneath the tea towel. Oh, yes, please. So that is a thick cut farmhouse brown bread. You don't need to fuss about with your sourdough or any of that. It's just classic bread. that's brown and then it has got a really thick layer of marmalade on it but it's marmalade without rind. See what I've got in front of me is literally this is a Hadrian's wall of marmalade and toast.

8:20Oh that is so good that's really zesty too. Why don't you like the rind? I just don't think it needs it. My palate doesn't need another sensation. Set the scene of when you might make this rather complex recipe? It's probably 20 to 12. I'm getting off a train. It's dark. There's a pub opposite the station. I know the guy that runs the pub. He always waves at me when I go to and from gigs. He makes me feel safe. We have a little wave at each other. What's he called? He's called Steve. All right, Steve. All right, Steve. You're one of the good ones, aren't you? I'm walking up the street and I'm thinking, it's time for a snack.

8:53I've done a gig. I've got my work done. Maybe I've done two gigs and I've been working out new material and it's all worked so I'm feeling good I get to my house and everyone upstairs asleep you can probably hear my daughter's white noise machine which she might be too old for now but she sleeps so we keep it and I go into the kitchen I will put the kettle on and I see we've got tea as well so this is very important I'm quite picky on my tea bags well I'd go for Yorkshire yeah you know I'm from the south but I'm not an idiot the last thing you want is when you get to a hotel and they've got rubbish tea or heaven forbid when you get somewhere and they've got posh tea I don't want to I don't need to see through the bag yeah I don't need to I don't need it to be in sort of like a silk sack I'm like no just give me just give me proper tea so then I will put a couple of bits of toast down and I will sit at my kitchen table and have a a cup of tea that is I drink tea quite quickly and it's often too hot I think to really I think I've probably damaged my esophagus by how hot I like my tea.

9:52I think tea before bed's brave though. Do you know what? I might have a decaf one, but it would still be Yorkshire, still be branded. I don't know if Yorkshire are interested in sponsoring me, just me as a human. It is interesting that even if you've done two gigs back to back and they've both gone really well and they have probably paid really well, that you go home and have toast and marmalade because I'm pretty sure that Jimmy Carr probably has like a false one.

10:26you have a five-year-old daughter i do i know that we both know a lot of nonsense comes out of children's mouths but at times wisdom can also yeah apparently she gave you a book title she gave me my book title which is am i having fun now we were in a soft play center and she was running around and having a nice time and she said am i having fun now And I thought, have you? Because I'm not loving it here. Do you know something? I would count, because I don't have children, and I would count soft play centres as one of the cornerstones that made me not go and really hammer trying to have one. Yeah, and I would say culinary.

11:06It's also not a place where you'd thrive. I don't think you've lived, though, until you have retrieved a screaming child from a jungle play area. by kind of yomping. Is that what they called it? Yomping through just like hair. Like a commando guy. Yeah, and then you go in, removing the child because it won't come out. I think it was at that point I thought, you know, I'm all right with cats, actually. You should take your cats to soft play. I wish I could. But, you know, that really spoke to me when I heard that, that, you know, because they are meant to be happy places, but for a little girl to turn around and go.

11:43Am I having fun? Is this fun? I think is what she was saying. What did she say? Well, I said, yeah, I think you're having fun. And she said, great. That was sort of the grain of the start of the book. It then made me question like, oh, am I focusing? Am I having enough fun? I think often when you're like a career-y person, you can be quite headstrong in like what you're doing all the time, like going to gigs, writing things, pitching things. You know, as you say, I'm a mum now and I'm a bit more grown up and I'm approaching 40. I thought, I don't know that I can, I don't want it in my 60s to decide how good I feel about myself by other people.

12:20It needs to be sort of from within, which was the beginning of the book, about me writing about anxiety. For the longest time, I've really fought my anxiety. The book is about me stopping fighting it and becoming sort of companions with my anxiety and going, do you know what? Regardless of what I do, you're going to be here. And the funny thing about being in stand-up is that people, routinely, people's first reaction when they say, what are you doing? You say, I'm a stand-up. When I'm not saying that, I'm the assistant stage manager at the Lion King. On those brief occasions when I'm not saying that, the first response is always, oh God, I would hate to do that.

12:55It's lots of people's worst nightmare. Gerry Seinfeld said that most people, their biggest fear in their whole life is public speaking over dying. So at any funeral, they would rather be the man in the box than the one giving the unogy. Oh, that's funny. Without enough anxiety in your life, if you decide to write a book about yourself. Yeah. Does that spark anxiety? Well, yeah, because now, you know, we're sat here talking about it and there's part of me that goes, oh, it's deeply cringe that you've written a book and think that anyone might want to read it. How embarrassing that you're you. But here we are.

13:27This is the decision you've made. You're going to have to just run with it now. That was one of my first questions about the book. How embarrassing is it to be you? Well, I mean, that was my only question. No, my question was because I've written books. And what I find is that it's anxious, anxious, revealing, revealing, revealing. And then everyone says, what are you going to do when you finish? And you think, have a party, but you don't. But I mean, maybe I'm putting words in your mouth, but were you filled with an elation when you pressed send? I enjoyed writing it way more than I thought I was going to, is the honest truth.

14:04I'm severely dyslexic and I found school really hard. And I always felt like I was kind of a bit thick and then I started stand-up and I would always sort of say well oh I'm more of a performer really and I don't know why I felt like I needed to sort of take ownership of that in case anyone was going to say like oh she thinks she's better than she is or something like that. Years later I sort of pitched an idea for a book during Covid and then and someone went no I don't think it's very good and I was like oh no you're right it's not very good it's terrible I'm awful. So a different publishing house saw it and were like this is great you don't need to do anything else will buy the idea as it is.

14:38You just need to write it because it's just someone's opinion. Were you writing on trains? Yeah. You know, but I quite like that. Do you like that? Yeah. Hang on a minute. Are you telling me that you get into like a double seat, a four seat situation, double seat, and you've literally got your laptop out and you're just writing beside like random person from Siren Sester who's literally reading and writing a memoir? I've got a thing that I put in front of my screen so you can't see what I'm writing. Are you James Bond? oh my god I can't believe I haven't brought this up yet yeah yeah I'm James Bond I'm the new James Bond um so I do a bit of that I do a bit of at home I've got a little office space at home but I'm I find it very hard to focus so I'll do everything else first so I'll tidy the house I'll change the beds I'll water the plants I'll maybe nip to the shop so I've got the bits in for dinner I'll do all of the things I need to do and it's only when the house looks great and everything's tidy and everything's organised that I can then do like two hours of like going crazy.

15:41I would rather do anything than the job that I'm meant to do. I was once caught, my last book was about seven months late and I was just upstairs like reading Beowulf. And how did you find it? I mean, it goes on a bit. Right, so you're writing, writing, writing, writing, but are you eating? Are you eating while you're writing? nuts if there's marmite ones available have those have you had those marmite nuts yeah yeah like do you know they're a bit much so am i so i get it

16:22you come from funny stock it seems i'm talking about your family here um your uncle um described a spicy meal once as giving his arsehole a black eye. Yeah, he said, you've got to be careful with that because if you're not the next morning, it will give your arsehole a black eye. My job's safe with the Guardian. Well, I think, I don't think they're going to get Marty Ruffell because when I told my uncle I was writing a book, I said, oh, I'm writing a book. He went, do you know what? I've never read a book. And that was it. That was the end of the conversation. That's just who I'm from. I think my dad's read one book.

16:57I said to my dad, are you going to read my book? And he went, maybe. I appreciate the honesty. It was like your mum's told me about it. It sounds good. Your dad once dared you to eat a spoonful of mustard when you were 10. Yeah, for 15 quid, Coleman's. Did you get them or no? Yeah. But then I cried and him and mum had a row and then he bollocked me. You know, he's a joke. He's a lot. He's, you know, likes making people jump. Like, he's that guy. He's great. I love him. I'm really close to him. But now you have your own five-year-old. How do you reflect on your father? I would say to him, you are not allowed to frighten her.

17:33Please don't frighten her. He took her crabbing. I said to him, don't you dare throw them crabs at her. He went, I wouldn't, I wouldn't. I said, no, I know what you're like. Don't you dare throw those crabs at her. He threw a crab at her. She lost her shit. And then wouldn't give him a cuddle when he left. And I was like, what did you, I told you not to throw a crab at her. He was like, I was just trying to have a laugh. You grew up in Portsmouth. Pompeii. Your brother Joe, your mum, your dad. tell me about meal times well people find this surprising and i'm interested in your take on it we would have at least three roast dinners a week is that a lot i mean it sounds delicious i'm big into roasts yeah um but yeah we would have sunday roast classic and then probably two or three other roasts throughout the week it might be a pie one day but it'll be with roasted vegetables i say roasted vegetables it wouldn't it would be would like cabbage that's been like boiled within an inch of its life and maybe broccoli peas is this your mother it feels like your mother knew what crowd pleasers were listen and was like why am i gonna bother doing anything over a risotto but but she wouldn't i don't know whether it's a confidence thing or what but she wouldn't even attempt something like that she wouldn't even i like they've not got a cookbook in their house mum cooks what she cooked because that's what nan cooked and nan cooked what she cooked that's what her mom cooked well i left home at 18 and one of the things i asked for when i left was a cookbook and mom got me like a jamie oliver like you can cook anything you know you put it in just chuck it in don't matter and so i just learned to cook through bish bash bosh jamie oliver yeah it's for these roasts do you all sit around the table yeah and eat it and talk about your day does your dad linger does Does he hold court?

19:23Yeah, he holds court. And also the moment he's finished, he leaves the table. There's no sort of airs and graves. That was lovely. And then pushes his, and then he's gone. Where's he gone to? Who knows? Does he go straight to the telly to his seat? Yeah, quite frequently. Telly on and he's watching Emma Dale. No, his favourite channel is Crime and Investigation. Oh my God. It could be Border Control. Or you will overhear something like, and the body was found six weeks later. Nobody knew where the cops had been. And then someone going, it had definitely been moved. Yeah, the carbs had been moved.

19:55And then my dad being like, you want to watch this? See this geezer, he killed 15 people. You know, and then you're just sort of finishing your dinner while dad's sort of, while they're putting up crime scene pictures. But it's funny, isn't it? Because that's normal to you until you go to somebody else's house. Remember going to other people's houses. Everyone would like sit down and they'd have a glass of wine, which we never, my mum and dad both don't drink wine. like they both have a vodka but they don't drink wine they we didn't we wouldn't drink indoors and then you go to other people's houses and it was like oh they and I kind of love that I kind of love like making a real effort and like yeah you know but I'll say to mum like we always do Christmas dinner now and I'll say to mum mum what do you want to drink like at the table what do you want and she went I'll have astis spalenti it's all she likes all she likes is an astis or she might have like she'll be like don't get that expensive champagne i can't bear it too dry yes too dry which is fine or like oh like not that i will be buying very expensive champagne when you sometimes when you do a telly show they'll give you a nice bottle of champagne and so i might have a couple of nice bottles of champagne not that i've bought but that someone has given me and they'll be like oh mom do you want a glass of this moe and she'll be like oh put a bit of orange in that oh can't bear it without orange why not because that's what she likes oh my god so it's bollinger but um it's got it's got chiora yeah i mean that yeah yeah oh mum would have a baileys she does it in sort of half pints like with loads of ice in it but you know why because that stuff is delicious yeah it's great and it kind of gets you pissed from the ankles up which is lovely like slowly legs are gone first then your hips have a bottle of baileys and you're like totally functioning, but your knees just go as you.

21:42If there was a fly on the wall TV show at this point called At Home With The Ruffles, what would the pilot episode be? It depends what part of my childhood you're talking about. I mean, it could be the bailiffs at the door and it also could be dad turning up with a Porsche, depending on how his business is going. What's the best thing to say to bailiffs to stop them getting in? You're looking for next door, mate. You know, I don't know. Well, I was really little when that happened. But it wouldn't really matter whether dad was like on the up and up again or in a period where he was making less money.

22:23My dad is always unbelievably positive. There was always music on. My dad was always singing. We weren't allowed to lay in as kids. We weren't allowed to like sleep in. We had to get jobs from when we were about 12. it was like, oi, where you got that sleeping sickness? Up. He's unbelievably positive, but you ended up with anxiety. Yeah, I know. Do you think that was through the crabs? Maybe. My mum's side of the family are warriors and would always overthink everything and talk about it all. Catastrophising. Yeah. Like I distinctly remember like sitting around my nan's table and us all having like a cheese sandwich and sharing some crisps.

23:01They would talk about, you know, all of the, oh God, yeah, that's terrible. and what if that happens and they've got cancer and oh god and she died and that's terrible tell you who else died there was just sort of a, I think that sort of this is very, this is my childhood is it relatable? oh my god yeah it would just be like women sitting around going Susie's had to have a leg off you know what I mean, or Julie Julie's lost use of one arm and that would be it well she's having a hysterectomy so hopefully that'll sort it out yeah all that sort of thing oh she's got a flush open the window So, oh, honestly, then someone there going, I can't bear this.

23:38Honestly, it's killing me. For the listeners at home, Susie is currently wafting herself with her book. Your dad bought and sold lorries. It has been said that he is more proud of the miles you cover between shows than Live at the Apollo. Well, yeah, I think he was quite proud when I did Live at the Apollo. In fairness, he was, bless him. but he loves to sort of, he brags in that way that any parent brags. You know, if you're lucky enough to have a parent that's like that, I'm lucky that I do. But he would be like, you won't believe how much she's driven this week. He loves to tell people, because what he really respects is someone grafting.

24:19Yeah. He really respects someone grafting. He grew up, he was one of five. They lived in a two-bed place when he was very little. They didn't have a lot of money, you know. The one thing my dad respected was hard work. That's it. He didn't understand what I did, but hard work. My parents are both dead now and still I can't understand the concept of leisure. The, we'll go, well, what about if it all goes? And now I've got, you know, you've got to keep your place. That was the whole thing when I started stand up was that my mum and dad could, would never, like, you know, doing comedy is quite a privileged thing to do.

24:55Now, I had a privileged background in many ways. And, you know, there were periods where my mum and dad did have money and then there were periods where they didn't. A lot of stand-ups that I know, their parents gave them a hefty amount to buy somewhere in London. But there's, you know, there's lots of stand-ups that, you know, that come from really well-off backgrounds. And there's nothing wrong with that. You can't help where you're from. And I'm sure, you know, if I've got loads of money and my daughter wants to go and study somewhere and I can help her, I will do that. So there's no judgment there.

25:24But what I always knew is that mum and dad wouldn't be able to buy me anywhere to live in London, but I would always be able to go home. I could always go home. And there was nothing wrong with going home. I had a very nice home, but I never wanted to go back to Portsmouth, to everybody else. I've heard that your mother used to communicate love via sandwiches. Oh, yeah, in a big way. What does a cheese and pickle with slices of tomato in it signify? Here's the thing they all mean, love. I told you my mum came to my gig this week where she said, you look tired and she brought me a ham and pickle and cucumber roll with a packet of smoky bacon crisps and I had that on my way home and you know it was better than anything you could buy in a shop yeah one of the stories that I tell in the book is about after I had a terrible breakup and I think lots of us have had that one that's like oh god mum turned up but she didn't tell me she was coming she just turned up at my house and I was really sobbing really sobbing and she just brought loads of different sandwiches because it was just like oh I better take her a few different sandwiches she's probably got no food in because she hasn't been to the shops because she's so sad and it was and that's how she looks after me you know when my mum and dad go out when they go like for a drink quite often what they'll do is when they get in they'll both get into their pajamas and then mum will make a sandwich she'll make a sandwich and a big cup of tea like this one here like a big cup and a sandwich and they'll lie in bed and have half of it each.

26:50Share the cup of tea and share the sandwich. That's loving my family.

27:06If you're a maintenance supervisor at a manufacturing facility and your machinery isn't working right, Grainger knows you need to understand what's wrong as soon as possible. So when a conveyor motor falters, Grainger offers diagnostic tools like calibration kits and multimeters to help you identify and fix the problem. With Grainger, you can be confident you have everything you need to keep your facility running smoothly. Call 1-800-GRAINGER, click grainger.com, or just stop by. Grainger, for the ones who get it done. Emoji moment from Sadie, who writes, I'm not crying, you're crying. This is what I said during my first appointment with my physician at Mochi, because I didn't have to convince him I needed a GLP-1.

27:50He understood, and I felt supported, not judged. I came for the weight loss and stayed for the empathy. Thanks, Sadie. I'm Myra Ameth, founder of Mochi Health. To find your Mochi moment, visit joinmochi.com. Sadie is a Mochi member compensated for her story. When you think of skyrocketing brands like Aloe, Allbirds, or Skims, it's easy to credit their success to great products, sleek branding, and brilliant marketing. But here's the overlooked secret. The real magic lies in the engine behind the scenes, the business powering their business. For millions of brands, that engine is Shopify, making selling seamless for them and shopping effortless for us.