#461: The Secret to Happiness & It’s Not What You Think With Heather!

0:00I'm on this journey with me. Each week when you join me. We are going to chase down our goals, to overcome adversity and set you up for a better tomorrow. That's in your seat. I'm ready for my close-up. Hi, and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back here with me this week. Okay, this has been an incredible week, and I want to encourage you, not every week in my life is like this, for sure. I wish it was. Oh, my gosh, it would be so, so exciting and fun, but it literally was like miracles, especially one day this week. Every time I picked up the phone, every time I opened an email, it was just incredible.

0:34So I want to encourage you because not every week is like this, which means this could be your week that is going to be so basic. And so I'm so hyped for you. So putting that out there for you. I think that we all get busy. We all, you know, struggle with not seeing things come to fruition as readily as we would like them to. I know I do, right? I get discouraged. And you start wondering, is this ever going to happen? and maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree and maybe this concept isn't meant for me. I just want you to know that things take time. Great things take a little bit longer, right? We know that.

1:10What is interesting is two really big things happened in my life, in my business. One of them came together out of thin air and happened so fast, it almost felt like it was reckless. It was wild and it's been incredible, right? That's one partnership that I just formed. And gosh, it's only been two weeks and it feels like it's been a year. We are so close already. And I'm going to get into more of those details soon. However, and I'm going to be on the West Coast a heck of a lot more now. So it's super exciting. West Coast, I'm coming back for you next week. So here's the thing. The other one, the other one that's actually in my mind had been one of these goals, like major when I got fired, like, oh my gosh, if I could achieve this, this I'll know I really made it right.

1:56Kind of a thing. So for seven years, I've had it in my mind that I want to do it. I'll say that the last two years, I've been aggressively doing the work. Well, I mean, really the whole time I've been working towards it, but been meeting with the other side and doing different things together to see it test and try and see if we could work out something. Anyhow, I'm not at liberty to announce it yet, but I will next month. It came to fruition this week. And it's so wild to see because my iPhone reminded me that one year ago today, I was on this trip and I was actually working on this partnership on trying to bring this partnership together.

2:31And when I saw the pictures this week, it was just so serendipitous that it actually came together a full year after a project that we were initially working on. And really a couple years after we started talking about these things. So good things take time. Great things take a little bit longer. And to that point, that other partnership I just shared with you came together in two seconds flat, right? So it came out of left field. Just because we think things should go one way doesn't mean they're actually going to go that way. Be open-minded to that intro could happen this week, just like what happened for me, you know, a month ago.

3:02And suddenly you could be in a new partnership with, you know, a co-founder of a new company in two weeks flat. Things can change that quickly. But I also don't want you to get discouraged if you've been working on something for a long time, like I had been on this other one and really nothing had been happening. And it was frustrating. I really started questioning, like, is this ever going to happen? And then suddenly everything just fell into line. So we can't predict the future. We don't know exactly how it's all going to turn out. We just have to have faith that we're moving towards that right goal, that we're doing good.

3:33And I'm going to tell you, a lot of the stuff that I've been doing to bring this partnership, or at least my piece of it, into play, I was doing a lot of stuff for free. A lot of it was a risk, right? I was investing a lot of myself, spending money to do things that I thought were going to bring this partnership into existence. And listen, it all paid off. It doesn't mean it always does pay off, right? Because, and I've shared this with you a few times, like I have a failed skincare line, I have a failed clothing line three times over. I put money, time, and resources into things that haven't panned out yet, yet.

4:05I believe they will one day. They haven't panned out yet. But I also know as long as you take some type of a learning from it, as long as you're doing good work and moving towards something you believe in that you think is that next right thing, doesn't mean it's going to work out every time exactly what you think, but just stay open to it's leading you to that right place. Have faith that the best is yet to come. Have faith that you're moving in that next right direction and doing that next right good thing and have faith that it's all going to work out and it will.

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8:13I'm just so excited about it right now. I can't even like contain myself. It's just, I'm sure you understand this when you work so hard for something for so long and then it actually happens and you're like, what? Oh my gosh. It's just, you got to believe you have to believe that it's actually going to happen and know that it will have faith that it will. Okay. So super hyped about that. I can't wait to give you more details on it. And I will for sure tell you the whole thing next month. Once it's publicly announced, I will let you know, but you're going to be super excited. And I already am super excited.

8:44So, and I'm excited for you. I'm excited. this is going to be your big week ahead and that there's miracles right around the corner for you and that something great is going to come into your life and things could change so much. You know, I was just, like I mentioned that one year ago photo, my life is so different today than it was one year ago. And one year ago, I'd give anything to be sitting in the seat I'm sitting in right now. Right? So be grateful for where you are. Be present in this moment right now. Enjoy where it is and know that it's working you towards something even better in your future.

9:11Your future you thanks you for the work you're putting in today. Okay, so a couple of things happened this week that I wanted to share with you. One was a friend of mine reached out to me going through a hard time in her relationship. And I was listening, you know, I was letting her empty her glass, of course. And I could just hear the tension in her voice. You know, when you hear someone or it's us, right? We're just livid. We're irate. And you could just hear someone's on edge. So I could hear her voice that she was really on edge and very frustrated and super stressed out. Right. You could hear it.

9:48You know that feeling. And so I was listening to her because I could tell she really needed some empathy. Right. But I also know this. I am direct. And sometimes it can be hard for other people. But this is one of my dearest friends. So she's known me her whole life. So I have to believe that when she called me, she knew I would give her, you know, a truth bomb, whether she wanted it or not. Now, there's plenty of different ways to do that. Right. At first, we let people share what they have to say, get whatever it is off their chest, because oftentimes that's going to help them feel better. One of the closest ways to feel love is to actually feel that you're being heard.

10:22And there's science to back that. There's a study at Harvard that shows that. And this actually goes back to sales. And when I did teach on sales at Harvard, mind you, we use that study and it just shows that when you are actively listening to and empathizing and understanding and having compassion for another person, it allows that person truly feel loved. And that is such an important thing, right? So when someone does open up to you, put everything else down, put the phone down, right? Be fully present and allow them to empty their glass. And that's really going to help them to feel so much better and feel connected.

10:54Okay. So I was letting her do that. And I was listening to her. And I did feel bad. I could hear the tension and upset in her voice. And it made me feel so bad for her. We've all been there, right? Like we all have those days that just feel like nothing's going right. And you're, you know, you're on very little sleep and you're under deadlines and your relationships have asked or, you know, whatever it may be. The other thing I want to note is that this stuff happens over time, right? It didn't happen over a week. This has been happening over years. It wasn't a new relationship. This is something that was happening over a long period of time.

11:23Frustrations start running high. And then, of course, there's always, you know, the straw that breaks the camel's back. And so I'm listening to her. And finally, at the end, she says, you know, well, just don't even worry about it. Like, obviously, we're going to work it out. Things are going to get better. And they always do, which she's right. They always do. And no relationship is perfect 24-7. Just that doesn't exist, right? I don't know any marriage that's like that. And so I totally agreed with her. And then I asked her, I said, are you open to some feedback? And I love that line, like asking, right?

11:50Asking permission before you jump in. Are you open to some feedback on this? And she said, yeah, sure. And so the first thing I asked is, have you gotten to therapy? She had. But she said, you know, at this point that they feel like they had exhausted that avenue. They had done it enough. And things had gotten better for a while, right? But now here they were just having like a little breakdown. And so I said, well, I have another idea for you. If you don't like the situation you're in and the situation is not new, that means you need to change your behavior, right? And this person was definitely looking at the other person, right?

12:22The fingers were pointing out and I can understand why, like I get it, right? There was a lot of things going on there that just were annoying or felt like could be fixed easily. But if the other person's not fixing it, then you have to say, okay, what we're doing is not working. If we aren't happy with that, we want to keep the relationship, of course. How can we fix it? If pointing the fingers at that person is not the answer because it currently is not working, we need to try a different approach. and so I said listen maybe this might not be what you thought you were going to hear from me today or what you wanted to hear from me today however I guarantee if you try it you're going to have a different outcome and I know you want a different outcome correct and she said yeah of course I want a different outcome I don't want to I just want him to change right like I don't want him to do this anymore I want him to fix this whatever it is it was just so funny and I get it oh my gosh I so get it and p.s.

13:13I'm not married right so it's like yeah I'm probably the wrong person to be coming to for advice. But I do know one of my dearest friends who's got the most incredible marriage in the world. I'm certain on some level, something similar, she would say something similar to this. You can't just keep pointing the finger at that person and telling them what they should be doing and how they're doing everything wrong and how upset you are with them. That is not going to change the behavior. We need to reward the behaviors that we want, right? So another example of that is like, you don't want to say to your kid when they're leaving for school, Don't speak on the phone the whole time.

13:46Don't speed. Don't do this, right? That's just putting more negativity and putting that idea more and more in their head. Instead, you want to do the opposite, right? You want to say like, I hope you have a peaceful drive to school today. I hope God watches over you and you're safe and have an amazing morning. Remember last week, what a great job you did driving to school every day. I'm so proud of you. Keep up the good work, right? Like you want to encourage the behavior that you see and want in others. Goes back to sales too. like when you have a sales team, reward the behavior you want. When people do the things you're asking them, praise them.

14:19But it's no different in a relationship, right? Like a lot of the stuff that we do in business that works can be applied to our personal life. And I think you should, or I encourage you to. I certainly try to. Pointing the finger at that other person wasn't working. Okay. We know that. She tried it for a long time, has been failing. Even though it seems simple to her, it's not working. So my suggestion was try this approach. Instead of pointing the finger at him, point the finger at you and ask yourself what you can do differently. And here's where I would start. I would own, you know, where you are, like put yourself in that other person's shoes.

14:53Like, I'm sure it's hard to hear all the time that you do everything wrong. I'm sure it's hard to hear why you suck every day, right? Like, I'm sure at this point, you just feel like you're being berated all the time. And that probably doesn't feel good. I don't think I would like that, right? I'm sure you're feeling over time like that I'm better than you, that you're less than me. Like, that's not nice. That's not positive, right? So when you can find some empathy for that person, and I'm not saying it's easy, right, when you're upset with someone, frustrated with a situation, but try, you know, try to step away from it for a moment, give yourself some space.

15:25And that's another important thing is, like, do whatever it takes for you to find happiness. Like, maybe go for a workout, go out with your friends, read a book, whatever it is, go outside for a walk, do something that's going to make you feel better, more calm, or happier, so that you can kind of separate from the anger and upset first to get a clear head. Pause, right? Don't react. We always respond with all the class and grace within us. So kind of like pump the brakes on the whole situation. Give yourself some space. Find some happiness for yourself. Point the finger at yourself instead of at the other person and make the decision to put yourself in their shoes and imagine how hard it would be to be in their situation and then flip the script.

16:05Do it differently. So my suggestion to her was this, once you have some happiness in your life, once you have some empathy for him and his situation, and once you've given yourself some space from the fighting and arguing, start to notice and reward the behaviors you do like in that person. Maybe there's not a million right now, right? Because you're still, you know, connected to what's been going on recently. But there's a reason why you married that person. There's a reason why you want to stay in that marriage. Like there's a lot of good, right? There sure is. I know these people. They're great people and they're amazing.

16:33So start focusing on those things. Start praising the behaviors you like that are happening. Yes, I understand there's a bunch that aren't happening that you don't like, but instead of putting, shining a light and magnifying that, let's magnify the ones you do like. And if you can only do it for 30 days, do it for 30 days. And if you can only do it for seven days, do it for seven days, but like create a finite window where you're going to try this different approach to see if it delivers a different outcome. So I asked her, I said, do you think you can do that? And she was like, oh gosh, you know, I don't know.

17:03But the thing is, it's a choice, right? It all starts with us. And it's really empowering because if you don't like the situation you're in, you're frustrated with it and you want it changed, putting yourself in charge of the change instead of the other person who's not giving you the results you want, that's empowering. You're like, oh my gosh, I'm taking my power back. Instead of complaining to somebody all day long and pointing a finger at them, I'm pointing the finger at me and talking about what I can do differently. I know I trust myself to do something differently. Like I know I'll deliver on it.

17:29That's like, oh my gosh, I'm hyped. Like, let's go. I can totally do this. So when you do that and you say for the next seven days, 30 days, whatever it is, I am only going to praise behaviors I see that this person is exhibiting that are positive and worthy of positive feedback and gratitude. And I'm going to focus on all the things I'm grateful about this person. I'm going to go through my old cards and find the ones that I loved and mention it to that person. I'm going to notice these little things at this point, made the bed, made dinner, or like whatever it is, pick the kid up from school.

18:03Things that maybe normally you would just kind of like take as normal, but now you're going to say, I'm going to praise it. So it's a complete 180 approach from I'm going to vilify and point out all the negative things and things that haven't happened that I wanted to happen. but instead I'm going to praise and approach from a place of gratitude all the things that I do like that are happening. It's a huge pivot and it's simply a choice, right? It's a choice to empower yourself. So, I mean, I can tell you that if she does this for seven days, she's going to see a completely different relationship.

18:38Like it's really is that simple. The hardest part is coming to grips with your own mind about letting go of the way you have been doing it, the fighting and the pointing fingers and the blaming and choosing to shift to the gratitude.

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20:23And I understand that that is not always easy. Like I completely get it, right? However, a lot of this goes back to forgiveness, right? And this is something that I've been seeing come up a lot lately is that, you know, it's so important to forgive. And a great example of forgiveness for me is like the woman that fired me, right? She never asked me to forgive her. I've never spoken to her again since she fired me. But for a long time, I hung on to blame and anger against her. And I wanted to see her fail. And I was like watching the stock price drop and Googling her. And then I realized I'm giving this lady all my energy.

20:56I'm wasting time, energy, and effort to go to a negative place that isn't benefiting me at all. I need to change this because it's not helpful for me. So when I decided to do that, I thought maybe I'll start from a place of forgiveness. Even though she didn't ask me, I'm offering her forgiveness because I can't imagine, like, I put myself in her shoes. It's probably hard to work side by side with me, right? Like, I definitely take up a lot of space. I definitely, like, over the top loud. I'm like a super type A overachiever. Like, I'm always trying to, you know, go outdo everything. Working side by side with someone like that can be challenging when you feel like you don't get your praise or you're not getting seen enough.

21:34I'm sure, for sure, that had to be hard, right? And I never thought about that. And so I decided to give her a lot of empathy and a lot of forgiveness around, it must have been hard to work next to me for all those years and feel like she didn't get her dues or whatever it may be. And that, yeah, I can forgive her for firing me. Probably was intimidating and probably didn't feel great having me there all the time. And it probably wasn't a personal attack. It was probably a self-saving move for her so that she could put herself in a better position to feel better. And you know what? I get that.

22:05And I think that that probably was the right move. Well, gosh, for sure it was the right move for me. And I'm sure it was for her too. So I can forgive her when I come from that place. But again, it was hard at first when all the emotions were running high, right? Like it took a little bit of time for me to calm down, find my own happiness, separate from that, give myself space and then offer forgiveness. But once I did that, I stopped stalking her on Google. I stopped, you know, putting ill will out there and negativity. And I started feeling better. And I put that energy towards positive things and towards myself, right?

22:35So take your power back by offering forgiveness to others. When you are blaming and attacking, your wounds will never heal. That goes for my friend and her marriage relationship or me and my working situation or with kids or with best friends. It doesn't matter. The more we blame and attack, the more we're holding an inability for ourselves to heal and get better. The more we love and forgive and offer forgiveness, the more we heal. So why wouldn't we want to get better? Why wouldn't we want to heal? Why wouldn't we want to be the best versions of ourselves? The more we let go of the past and live in the present, the easier it is, right?