Confidence Classic: How to Face Your Worst Fear and Still Say YES with Heather Monahan

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0:45I'm ready for my close-up. Tell me, have you been enjoying these new bonus confidence classics episodes we've been dropping on you every week? We've literally hundreds of episodes for you to listen to. So these bonuses are a great way to help you find the ones you may have already missed. I hope you love this one as much as I do. Hi and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back with me today. Okay, this is complete insanity. I'm going to share a personal story, a very, very personal story with you today about what's been happening in my life this week, which is not good. However, we are dealing with it.

1:22And one of the things I noticed, I had a super stressful week, really a lot of anxiety, stress, because it has to do with my son. And I'll tell you, in those moments when your life just feels like everything is going wrong, you're in shock, you're upset, and people send you emails saying, hey, why haven't you got back to me on this or that? Or a text saying, hey, I haven't heard back from you on this. The message I want to share today is this, that you never know what someone else could be going through. So try to lead with kindness. anytime you reach out to people. And I'm going to remind myself of this too, instead of just sending Kurt emails, because you just don't know what shoe could have dropped in that person's life.

2:04And if you're not hearing back from someone, you never know, it could be something really hard. So this week, as I had mentioned, my son is away at camp and it's academic camp, not some fun camp. He's not loving life. But on Wednesday, I got a phone call and it was the school nurse and he was in the emergency room and he didn't have his phone and they think his arm's broken and I they had no one I could call to speak to him I didn't know who he was with it was such an awful situation knowing that my son is completely on the other side of the country away from me I can't get to him it was dark it was at night I don't know who has him and there's no phone to reach him so to To say the next few hours were bad would be an understatement.

2:52It was, you know, I went on a downward spiral. I was able to get a hold of the emergency room doctor who told me that his arm was broken, but that he was taking good care of him and that he would be OK. But I still hadn't been able to speak to my son. And of course, like any mother, I went crazy and was calling the camp 900 times, emailing 900 times demanding someone give him his phone so he can speak to me anyways hours later but it seemed like a lifetime later but it was a couple of hours he got back to camp and they put him on the phone with me just to say hello for a moment before he had to go to bed he was obviously very upset and you know the next morning when I spoke to him it was just heartbreaking listening to how scary it is for a kid to be alone somewhere not have a phone not have people that you know there to help you, to take you to an emergency room.

3:44I'm 47 and I don't want to go to an emergency room with someone I don't know, right? You want people who love you, who support you and encourage you around you. And it was just, it was really sad. However, I will say my son handled it better than I did. I definitely, gosh, I just never expected anything like this to happen. I never expected his health to be in jeopardy. I never expected him to have to go to an emergency room and need medical attention. It was just, it was an awful feeling of everything out of your control and someone that it's your job to care for and keep safe and you can't help them.

4:19It was really hard. And my son handled it incredibly well that next day and said, you know, it's not ideal and it really hurts and my arm's swollen and he has to go get a cast later this week. He said, but you know, I'm gonna, I'm gonna be okay. He said, oh, I'll remember when I broke my leg, mom. I wonder which one's going to be worse. He said, I think the broken leg I had the cast on a lot longer than I'll have the cast on for this one. So he was trying to see the positives in it, which was a miracle because I couldn't even see straight for the first 24 hours. And then the next day he had a really bad day.

4:54And luckily I was starting to feel a little better. And so I was able to talk him off the ledge, but it's so important, you know, 24 hours can change so much in your life. It's insane. And the things that mattered, you know, a week before just don't seem to matter anymore. Or the way that you're feeling is so incredibly different. And to see how my son changed so much overnight, he had a bad night's sleep, of course, with the arm in a sling, it's not cast yet. And he's in so much pain and the swelling has not gone down. And for some reason, the pain was just a lot worse. So hearing how his actual physical circumstances hadn't changed, but his mindset changed incredibly.

5:36And he was really down. And so I tried to focus on the things that I do when things are going wrong, which is number one, this is temporary, right? We all know that this is temporary. It is not going to stay this way. This, this too shall pass. This will change. Your arm will heal. You will get out of that camp. You will see me, right? Things are going to get better. You're not alone. And then I always try to focus on what are we looking forward to. So, you know, looking forward to almost done with camp now, looking forward to the day that you get the cast on because you'll feel better and then off because it'll be healed and, you know, so excited for you to come home and, you know, let's do a countdown.

6:14Anything to focus on where it is we're going and where we want to be instead of really staying mired and where we don't like where we currently are. That has been very helpful to me. And he wasn't really buying it that much this morning because he was having a really tough time. But luckily, I got to speak to him again later in the day. And his whole demeanor had changed. He had had a good talk with a friend of his and his friend was helping him carry his bags. And one of his teachers was really nice to him today. And he just sounded so uplifted. It just it just really reminds me that our mindset and our attitude towards everything is what we're always in charge of.

6:56And I certainly did not do a good job this week with mine. I did a horrible job because I completely lost it and acted like a lunatic, but we are all a work in progress. So what I wanted to do today, because I am so crazy for my son and so worried about my son right now is in my first book, Confidence Creator, I wrote a chapter about my son and actually something my son taught me that's really powerful. So I want to read it to you today. Okay. It's chapter one, Confidence Creator. Remind yourself, mom, can you write on my shoes? That's what my nine-year-old son, Dylan, asked me at 6.30 in the morning before school.

7:33I was rushing around the kitchen trying to make breakfast and get his backpack before we had to fly out the door and he's asking me to write on his shoes. What? Hurry up, we're gonna be late. I saw that he was holding out one of his basketball sneakers and a Sharpie. I knew he had a game that night, but still had no idea what he was talking about. What am I writing? I want you to write, you can do all things on the bottom of my shoe. I think he saw the blank look on my face, so he explained. Mom, no matter how good you are and no matter how talented you are, every once in a while, you need to remind yourself, when you're in a tough spot, you have to remember who you are.

8:11You can't feel confident every minute of every day. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How brilliant was this? I wrote out the phrase for him in marker on the bottom of his shoes and handed it back to him. He ran off and finished packing his bag while I watched him in stunned silence. I couldn't get over what had just happened. My son taught me the importance of reminders. I literally cried. I was 41 and still struggling with confidence. It took me years to learn how to believe in myself. He was nine, but he was already capable of creating a confident safety net that he could turn to for support when he needed it.

8:48At the time, I was a CRO for a radio company, because of my job and my role in various charities, I was often required to speak in front of large groups of people at functions. But it wasn't always easy for me. I would feel nervous before I had to take the podium. I'd look out over a sea of faces who were all staring at me, and I would feel doubt creeping. I would question myself. That's not a comfortable position to be in. Deep down, I knew that I was capable, but there were times I found it difficult to calm my confidence. Dylan was right. We need to support ourselves during challenging moments.

9:21So after that talk with my son, I took a page from his playbook. I started to write little reminders on my shoes whenever I found myself nervous about a big speech or attending a big meeting. One month later, I was asked to speak at a charity luncheon for an organization called City Year Miami. They mentor inner city youth to give them the direction they need to get through school without dropping out. Many of those kids didn't have a support system. Many were impoverished and living in very dark places. They were just trying to get by. It wasn't easy to have confidence and trust in yourself when growing up in that environment.

9:56So one thing I wanted to stress in my speech was that those kids could learn confidence. Confidence is a skill that can be learned and not one they had to be born with. What better way to prove that than by using myself as an example. At the end of my speech, I told that story about my son and the message he wanted me to write on his basketball shoe. I brought the actual shoe up with me to the podium. I even showed everyone the message that I had wrote on the bottom of my heels that morning. The very next day, I was sitting at my desk at work when I opened up my email and saw that my mailbox was filled with messages from my friends and co-workers who attended the luncheon.

10:33They had all sent me pictures of the notes they wrote on the soles of their shoes. I love me. I deserve better. I can do this. I am not alone. The messages went on and on. The ladies really got into it. Today I write myself reminders on my computer, in my iPhone. I hide some in my clothes and around my house. I even have a picture frame that says, hello, gorgeous. I sometimes forget where I put them. So when I come across one, it will always bring a smile to my face. More importantly, those reminders have a lasting impact. We all need people who pick us up when we're down, but sometimes it's a job that we can do ourselves.

11:13Playing a role in our own rescue is the ultimate key. Sometimes it's as simple as having access to reminders. If you ever see me at an event, you can bet that I'll have a supportive message on the bottom of my heels. And that just reminds me that I need to send my son a text and remind him that he can do all things and he can get through this. Hang tight. We'll be right back.

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15:09It's been, oh my gosh, it's been almost two years now I've been working on from the book proposal to the book, to the edits, to everything with Overcome Your Villains. Crazy enough, Today was the first day that my publisher mailed me a paperback version of my new book. And it was it's so weird because even though it feels like it's so long, the process is so long and painful. Right. And it does take a lot of time and you have to be patient. And I'm not patient. I don't know about you. Patience is not my virtue. And seeing it today was so exciting. But then it's interesting because anytime you create something, people will come and criticize, right?

15:57It's always easier to criticize than it is to create because creating things takes a lot of work and a lot of time and a lot of risk, right? Because you're doing something you've never done before. You know, this book is not like anything I've ever done before. It's not like my first book. I mean, there's some similarities, but it's not the same, right? You're doing something new, something different. And anytime you do something new and create, you're taking a risk and a chance. And so suddenly for me, all those feelings come up again of, oh, my gosh, it's so scary to launch a book. Oh, my gosh, it's so scary, you know, to step into something new.

16:34What are people going to think? Right. All these negative possibilities rush into your head and, you know, good positive ones, too. Right. I think the book looks amazing. And when I held it, I I feel so emotional because it represents so much to me and I'm so proud of it. So there's all these great and scary positive and negatives going through my head. And it's, you know, it's it can be overwhelming, but I am super excited. I'm super proud of it. And it it looks amazing. So one of a friend of mine who has a pretty big podcast, I'd asked her if I could be on her show. And she said, hey, send me a copy of the book.

17:11And so what my publisher does is they send people that have big shows a digital copy of my book so they can read it. but they don't want to send out, you know, the actual paper or hardcover yet because the actual final version isn't done yet. And so she said, listen, I can't read digital. It just doesn't work for me. I have to have a paper version. So her show is big enough that when I told HarperCollins Leadership that they said, OK, we'll get her an advanced paperback copy. And they sent it to her, too, this week and she just got it. And she sent me a note and said, holy cow, Heather, this book is fire.

17:46The cover is fire. I love it. And it made me feel so excited because, first of all, you don't know sometimes if anyone's even going to respond or say anything. You know, people are busy and there's so much going on in the world. But it does mean so much when people take a minute to give you feedback and encouragement. And this woman has a super successful book. So it meant a lot to me that, you know, she offered that feedback. And if you have something nice to say to someone in your life or someone you work with, extend it. Right. Give it to them. give them that gift because you never know what stress someone has going on in their life or what they're dealing with, you know, in their personal life or professional life that it could really help out.

18:29And for me, you know, in this moment where I'm starting to get nervous about the new book coming out and of course, doubting some things, it just meant a lot to have her encouragement and sort of somewhat validation, right? That I really liked it and thought it looked great, But you never know what the rest of the world is going to think, right? You just never know. So I'm all about, yeah, you know, stepping into fear, taking the risk and going for it. But as I'm about to go to this next level and take this new risk on, I'm remembering how scary it is. And let me tell you, it is not for the faint of heart.

19:04OK, so that was exciting that that happened this week. I was super excited about that. But of course, like in any week, you know, there are positive things that happen, negative things that happen, challenges that come up that are unexpected, as well as positive things that are unexpected. And I wanted to give you the analogy. I go to spin all the time. And imagine if you were to go to your spin class and it was the exact same playlist and exact same routine every single time you went. How long would you keep going? right if everything was predictable about it and scheduled ahead of time and you knew exactly what it was it wouldn't be that much fun and I started thinking about that to myself in spin I definitely get my best ideas when I'm working out and I was thinking it's kind of ironic that what I love most about going to spin is that I don't know what the playlist is going to be like I don't know what the instructor is going to do next I don't have any control over it so it's really out of my control And it seems super exciting.

20:08And of course, there are amazing classes where, you know, your favorite playlist and everything went unbelievable. And then some days you're like, oh, you know, that was an OK class or whatever. But I still like that. I don't know what to anticipate. OK, pause there for a minute. Grasping that. I would imagine you agree with me. You feel the same way, right? You wouldn't go to the same workout if it was just mundane and the same exact thing over and over again. However, in our lives, definitely in my life, I'll find myself and I was doing it this week. You know, I just wish I knew what was coming next.

20:40I just wish I knew. And part of this comes from I think I shared this with you last week that for me in 2020, I remember saying, OK, this is temporary. You know, live events are going to be back. I'm sure by Q4 2021, all the live events will be back. Business will be booming, just like the roaring 20s. You know, I had created this false idea of what I wanted to happen. Apparently that did not happen. And, you know, little did I know that there would be the Delta variant and all whatever else happening. So I had shared that, you know, almost all of my in-person speaking engagements were canceled.

21:18And I was so disappointed and it really felt out of control, right? That, wait a minute, everything spinning out of control wasn't supposed to be this way. I didn't think it would be this way. I didn't plan on it being this way. And I was having to remind myself that I love spin class because I don't know what to plan for. I don't know what to expect. And it's exciting that it's unknown and great that it's unknown. And I have to try and challenge myself to see life and business that same way. and it's definitely doesn't come natural to me right now, right? And it's sort of interesting because when I was in corporate America, I always thought it was everything was so clear and laid out in front of me and I knew what to expect and I knew the process and I knew the timelines and I knew who to call.

22:05And then when I went out on my own after I got fired, it's been confusing and unknown and stepping into fear and darkness and not knowing what's going to happen next. And it definitely feels at times like everything's out of control, which can seem super overwhelming. I'm sure you can, you know, identify with that a little bit somehow in your life that things feel out of control or uncertain and that can feel really uncomfortable. So to that end, this is what I wanted to share with you is that and I was reminded about this two weeks ago. So, OK, let me take a step back. A couple of weeks ago, I was tagged in a post on LinkedIn and the post was so good.

22:43it was basically the same post that I put up the day after I got fired, right? Which was, after 14 years, I have just been fired. If I've ever helped you in any sort of way, I'd love to hear from you today. This really hurt or this is really hard, something like that. And that post went viral. And at a lot of my keynote speeches, I share that whole story for a few different reasons. There's things that I think are important to learn from that. One, step into shame. When you shine a light on shame, it dissipates and disappears. And then you claim the shame, right? So people might tell you that getting fired is not a good look.

23:19I decided to make it rock my look. Oh yeah. Oprah's been fired. JK Rowling's been fired. Steve Jobs has been fired. I'm in good company, right? Reframe. So that's all about the reframe and stepping into shame and claiming your shame and not letting it claim you, which I believe is really powerful. and then of course asking for help when you put a post up like that you're making yourself vulnerable and letting people know you need assistance right you don't have all the answers and if anyone out there has some or would like to you know help you in some way you'd really appreciate it so I believe that strong people ask for help I incorporate that in some of my keynotes not all but in some of them well wouldn't you know a woman that attended a virtual keynote I did for the ASA this past year ends up getting fired.

24:04And after thinking about it for a couple of weeks and having nothing going on, crickets, she did not know what she was going to do. No one was reaching out to her with options, right? Because nobody knew she was struggling. She finally decided, I remember this keynote, this woman Heather Monahan gave and how that post changed her life. I've got to do something to change mine because she wasn't hearing from anyone. She didn't know what to do. So she put the post up. And so that post for her did really, really well. She tagged me in the post. So I was able to comment on it. And I also supported her and told her in a DM, Hey, I'm going to add you to my Friday.

24:41I have a team meeting every Friday. I'm going to add you to that group because it's going to support you and help you. Also, I'm going to send you a bunch of different things, basically, you know, an outline or game plan, how to get through being terminated and how to bounce back quick. And so I sent her all this stuff and, and wanted to support her and help her. But the funny thing was she messaged me and said, Heather, you're not going to believe it. That post has opened up countless opportunities. I have job offers now. She said, I have so many things going on right now that in 24 hours, my entire life has changed and my perspective has changed.

25:16I feel excited and happy where 24 hours ago, I was really feeling depressed. And so it just reminded me that there's so much to be hopeful for. Yes, we need to take action. We need to take massive action and put ourselves out there and take chances. But at the same time, we don't know what's going to happen next. Right. So she didn't know if she put that post up, if it would be embarrassing for her, painful for her. But she did know she didn't like the position that she was in. She didn't like that no one was reaching out to help her. So she had to do something different to start herself down a different path.

25:49And now she's far down that other path and things are going so much better for her and I'm so excited for her and she's super helpful and optimistic and she's gonna land somewhere much better than where she was and she also shared that she realized she had a villain at that old place of work so make a long story longer I'm sharing this because I want you to be hopeful that no matter where things are today for you there is unknown ahead of you which is really exciting and I'm constantly reminding myself of this okay so here's what happened to me this week that I had no idea was going to happen.